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1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,505
Here's your fish of the day.
2
00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,107
That day is last Monday.
3
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,410
Excuse me, miss?
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,046
There's a hair
in my meatloaf.
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,781
This never happens.
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,383
Oleg!
7
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:18,252
We got a H-34 at T-2!
8
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,620
A hair?
That's impossible.
9
00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:21,522
Let me put some pants on.
10
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,659
I am so sorry
11
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,396
that you ordered the meatloaf.
12
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,198
Shouldn't he be
in a hairnet?
13
00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,166
He should be in a prison.
14
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,804
Good news.
15
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,340
It's not mine.
16
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,675
That Propecia's
really paying off.
17
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,578
Obviously, it's not mine.
I'm blonde.
18
00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:47,248
You're not blonde everywhere.
19
00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,483
I love carpet-and-drapes talk.
20
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,085
I want my money back.
21
00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,486
Me too.
22
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,424
Well, it ain't mine.
23
00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,126
Last time my hair
was this long,
24
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:01,829
I was a back-up dancer
on Solid Gold.
25
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,763
Han!
26
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,632
We got a customer
with a hair up his butt
27
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,400
and one in his meatloaf.
28
00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:07,401
Step aside.
29
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,503
Let an expert through.
30
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:13,241
Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD."
31
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:17,145
It's brown, somewhere between
coffee and burnt sienna,
32
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:21,715
cleaned hastily with
a combination shampoo-body wash.
33
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:25,319
Mm, this hair belongs
to a single white man
34
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:29,357
alone, and not by choice,
but so set in his ways--
35
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,225
Okay!
36
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,294
It's mine!
37
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,728
Next time you want a free meal,
38
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,397
order the fish of the day.
39
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,831
Am I right, ma'am?
40
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,704
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
41
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,473
(cash register bell dings)
42
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:50,778
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
43
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,686
Hey,
can I order something?
44
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,421
I'm gonna need to
see some ID.
45
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,190
I'm getting the itch
to hit the road again
46
00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,757
and I'll need a new identity.
47
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,260
I'll have a Moscow Mule.
48
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,429
Uh, how about
a Jolly Rancher shot?
49
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,897
They're one of our
signature drinks,
50
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:13,467
served with a side
of my finger-guns.
51
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,868
How about a Moscow Mule
52
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:17,471
since that's what
I just ordered?
53
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,906
Oh, are you sure?
54
00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:21,642
The shot glasses are made
of actual Jolly Ranchers.
55
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,277
Kids love 'em.
56
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,282
One Moscow Mule coming up.
57
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384
All righty.
58
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,286
You don't know
how to make one, do you?
59
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,587
No clue.
60
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,256
How 'bout I just
make it myself?
61
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:38,359
Hmm, while you're at it,
I'll have a Jack and Coke.
62
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,861
Always wanted to know
what was in that.
63
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:43,664
Max, what's that guy
doing behind you?
64
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,233
Oh...
(scoffs)
65
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,900
You know I never
look when they're back there.
66
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,403
Look, you can't let
people serve themselves.
67
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:52,540
Again, not everything
is a Hometown Buffet.
68
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,443
Uh, if it were,
I'd be eating a biscuit
69
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,978
with macaroni and pudding
on top.
70
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,314
People aren't ordering
our signature drinks.
71
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,815
They want real ones,
and I only know
72
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,417
how to make the stuff
on the menu.
73
00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:06,620
And Molly lollipops,
which I call "Mollipops."
74
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,389
Then let me do it.
75
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:12,226
And is that why I slept
for three days after Halloween?
76
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,762
Can I get a greyhound?
77
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,431
Greyhound...
78
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:18,566
Oh...
(scoffs)
79
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,669
I don't drive for them anymore.
80
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,337
Politics!
81
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:25,939
Uh, you heard the man.
82
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,276
We're not paying you
to just stand around.
83
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,478
You're not paying me at all.
84
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,580
Not with that attitude.
85
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,449
Believe me, if we could afford
a bartender, we'd hire one.
86
00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,286
This obviously isn't working out
for either of us.
87
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,722
Ahem!
(clears throat)
88
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,492
Was there a problem
with your service?
89
00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,263
Max, we need to talk about
what happened last night.
90
00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,832
Oh, crap, you said
you were on the pill.
91
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,868
We need someone
at the dessert bar
92
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,570
who knows how to
make real drinks.
93
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,373
Not that your
"cigarette butt and tonic"
94
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,974
wasn't a hit.
95
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,943
You said we couldn't
afford a bartender...
96
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,312
or a mechanical bull,
97
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,946
which would have
paid for itself by now.
98
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,681
Here's my idea.
99
00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,884
We are going to
bartending school so we can--
100
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,653
and don't kick me--
be the best--
101
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:13,887
no pinching,
not my nose--
102
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,022
business we can be!
103
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,757
-G'doink.
-Oh.
104
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,892
You didn't say anything
about G'doinks.
105
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,861
What do you think?
'Cause we're already
106
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,463
signed up and
it's non-refundable.
107
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,465
I took your share
out of your piggy bong.
108
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,198
(gasps)
109
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,701
You stole from
Cheech and Change?
110
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,803
(baby crying)
111
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,573
Okay, you can say
you hate the idea,
112
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,442
but you don't have to
cry about it.
113
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,944
Man, this baby's
more full of crap
114
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,413
than a Coldplay album.
115
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,950
Fine, I'll change your diaper,
but when you grow up,
116
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,454
you're going to have to
return the favor.
117
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,589
SOPHIE: The diaper goes
the other way!
118
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,059
Earl, did that doll just talk
119
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,328
or are the voices
telling me to kill again?
120
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,930
No, no, it's been
yelling at me all day.
121
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,866
Between this and
the police chatter
122
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,334
I pick up on my hearing aid,
123
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:03,537
it's like a damn party
in my head.
124
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,940
Roger that.
125
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,543
Can this doll get any creepier?
126
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,612
SOPHIE: Takes one to know one,
Caroline.
127
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,714
Asked and answered.
128
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,383
Hey.
129
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,685
Can't a lady have
a smoke and a tinkle
130
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,820
without having to
worry about her baby?
131
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,390
You were watching us
from the toilet?
132
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,025
Can't you just hold your nose
and hover like everyone else?
133
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:29,530
It's my surveillance doll.
Look.
134
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,500
It's hooked up to
an app in my phone.
135
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,101
Look, she's got
136
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,103
cameras in her eyeballs;
137
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,472
she's got a microphone
in her mouth;
138
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:42,376
and look, a laser pointer
in her butt.
139
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:46,013
Is that the American Girl Doll
PATRIOT Act edition?
140
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,015
Isn't she cute?
141
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,718
Look, she's like my twin,
142
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,520
only more alive.
143
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,924
Thank you
144
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,693
for keeping your eye
on Barbara.
145
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,929
BOTH: Aww.
146
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,765
Well,
thanks so much.
147
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:08,402
I'd pay you, but I know you're
too proud to take the money.
148
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:11,138
Uh, actually, the medical bills
are piling up, Sophie.
149
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,607
-Well, see you later!
-And I could really use...
150
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,946
If you need a free babysitter,
that guy.
151
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,748
Is it just me
152
00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,584
or is it hot and blurry in here?
153
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,720
Pardon me, sir.
154
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,556
Oh, my God, Han.
155
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,891
You're covered in spots
and you're delirious.
156
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,560
You have chicken pox.
157
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:35,195
You also have chicken legs,
so I guess you're even.
158
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,930
Han, you have to go home.
159
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,931
You're contagious.
160
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,167
And not like my laugh.
161
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,169
(laughs)
162
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,641
Welcome to
the Dinersburg Williams.
163
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,042
Who said that?
164
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,545
You did!
You have to go home.
165
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:54,181
Well, I suppose
I could get into bed
166
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,817
and Hulu a little
Mindy Project.
167
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,919
And, boy, is she a project.
168
00:06:58,952 --> 00:07:00,087
(giggles)
169
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,825
Han looked pretty unsteady.
170
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,194
Do you think someone should
make sure he gets home okay?
171
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,196
Don't worry so much.
He'll be fine.
172
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,572
See?
Fine.
173
00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,577
I know this is just
bartending class,
174
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,813
but gum, please?
175
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:28,448
That was chewing tobacco, FYI.
176
00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,085
We need to take this
seriously, Max.
177
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,822
(gasps)
Is that a pocket knife?
178
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,256
Uh, yeah.
179
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,691
How are they gonna know
I was here
180
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:40,160
if I can't carve my initials
in the desk?
181
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,696
Maybe we should sit
at separate workstations.
182
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,732
I'm obviously gonna be
the top student here
183
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,634
and I don't want to be
associated with your
184
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,836
"rebel without health insurance"
attitude.
185
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,539
(scoffs)
Fine, smell you later.
186
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:54,775
Hi.
187
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,843
I haven't been in a class
188
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,244
since I graduated from Wharton.
189
00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,280
-It's an Ivy League--
-I went to Harvard.
190
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,651
Wharton was my safety school.
191
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:06,520
Max, do you still have
that pocket knife?
192
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:09,923
Okay, I think everyone is here.
193
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,560
Hi,
my name is Gil Bronski
194
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,596
and I am in no rush
to go home.
195
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,532
I live with my mother
and her three cats,
196
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,768
two of whom
have diarrhea.
197
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,771
(laughing)
198
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,876
I thought it was an icebreaker.
199
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,078
No, it's a carpet-ruiner.
200
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,145
(laughs)
201
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,015
Oh, thanks, Julie.
202
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,750
Julie's killing it.
203
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,020
Now, you're probably
all wondering,
204
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,189
"How did this former child actor
205
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,659
"briefly sidelined by
a 30-year drug addiction
206
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,729
find himself teaching
bartending school?"
207
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:49,863
Just got lucky?
208
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,566
Just got lucky!
209
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,603
Now, who can answer this?
210
00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,872
He hasn't asked it yet,
ass-kissers.
211
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:03,343
Churchill declared war while
sipping a Long Island Iced Tea.
212
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,179
The Magna Carta,
French Revolution,
213
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,948
my three divorces,
214
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,750
what's the common denominator?
215
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,151
Booze, duh.
216
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,054
Booze, duh!
217
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,624
She didn't raise her hand.
218
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,060
Boy, we have got some
eager beavers here, don't we?
219
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:24,698
Ha, that's what my pimp told us
at our working brunch.
220
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,800
Now...
221
00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,902
I have only one rule.
222
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,037
No--
223
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,038
(iPhone rings)
224
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,641
Interruptions.
225
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,343
This is crazy; no one
has called me in six years.
226
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,812
I would have guessed longer.
227
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,313
(laughs)
228
00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,916
Oh!
Thanks, Julie.
229
00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,186
Let's make some drinks!
230
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,322
Oh, my God.
I love school so much.
231
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,227
How am I expected
to know the difference
232
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,830
between a vodka sunrise
and a vodka sunset?
233
00:09:56,864 --> 00:10:00,701
12 hours and
a missing pair of pants.
234
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,302
Now, shh.
I'm studying.
235
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,374
That was the first homework
I've ever done.
236
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,878
I've never seen you
take anything this seriously.
237
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,346
And you had rabies once.
238
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,349
Stop joking around.
This is for school.
239
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:23,290
Where did you get those glasses,
The Golden Girls?
240
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,994
For the first time in my life,
I want to learn goodly.
241
00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:30,864
Max, have we switched bodies?
242
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,300
If so, enjoy chlamydia.
243
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,805
(sighs)
I want to do well on this test.
244
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,107
I want to get a, uh...
245
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,275
what's the good letter?
246
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,510
It's an A.
247
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,880
And I think this is gonna be
the first time I don't get one.
248
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,382
I am just not connecting
to the material.
249
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:53,420
Like sci-fi comedy,
I mean, pick a lane.
250
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,022
Well, give me that book
251
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,024
'cause I'm gonna nail
this bartending exam
252
00:10:57,057 --> 00:11:00,961
like it's some guy
I met at the grocery store.
253
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,932
Most of my tests just had
"see me" written at the top.
254
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,366
Mine always had,
255
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,136
"You've done it again,
Caroline Channing."
256
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,371
And I have to do it again.
Let me try making a drink.
257
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,140
Okay.
Bartender?
258
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,441
Make me a Bloody Mary.
259
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,143
The drink,
not my friend Mary Nichol
260
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,311
who got her period
in fourth grade.
261
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,146
I have to get this.
262
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,749
I know the bloody part
is tomato juice,
263
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,250
but what the hell is the Mary?
264
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,086
I should know.
I've dated so many.
265
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,721
I'll give you a hint.
266
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,257
Rhymes with "schmodka."
267
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,259
Grodka!
268
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:35,162
That's not even a thing.
What is wrong with me?
269
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,131
Vodka.
270
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,233
Um, that was clam juice.
271
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:43,403
Sure was.
272
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,506
(bell dings)
Pick up, hot...
273
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,909
doll.
274
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,077
The Sophie doll?
275
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,311
Well, it's covered in hair
276
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,413
so it'll pass as food
around here.
277
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,982
Just get rid of it.
278
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,484
Sophie's constantly using it
to criticize me,
279
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,352
so I disconnected her app.
280
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,421
I mean, how many times
can she yell at me
281
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,124
to wash my hands
after going to the bathroom?
282
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,097
Every time?
283
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,833
That doll is driving me crazy.
284
00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,835
Plus, I think I'm...
285
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:18,238
starting to have
feelings for it.
286
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,106
Fine.
287
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,174
I'll take her.
288
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,876
I haven't had a possessed doll
289
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,545
since Chucky moved out in '09.
290
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,380
Now, he could make
a Bloody Mary.
291
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,950
And a bloody Denise
and a bloody Julio.
292
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,824
Speaking of creepy dolls
come to life.
293
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,893
Han, if you have open sores,
you have to go home.
294
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,429
Not that it's stopped
anyone else who works here.
295
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,264
I can't go home.
296
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,000
I took an oatmeal bath
to get rid of the itching,
297
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,002
and it flooded my apartment.
298
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,403
I tried eating it down,
299
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,273
but I passed out
and nearly suffocated.
300
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:57,077
Well, find a nice subway bench
to curl up on.
301
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,846
Or even a Subway sandwich.
302
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,014
You know how embarrassing
it would be to catch a disease
303
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,952
from a guy I haven't slept with?
304
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,286
(gasps)
305
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:08,321
What?
Do I have something in my teeth?
306
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:10,958
Yes, of course.
But not that.
307
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,394
Max,
I think you have chicken pox.
308
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,898
Well, I could make this
less embarrassing for you.
309
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,067
We could have sex.
310
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,572
Ugh.
311
00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,041
I can't believe
that little Outbreak monkey
312
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,477
gave me the pox!
313
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,412
If I get my mittens on him,
I'm gonna tear him
314
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,547
from tiny limb
to tiny limb.
315
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,985
Best I stay
in the bathroom then?
316
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,452
No.
317
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:42,890
Come on out,
patient-zero-friends.
318
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,125
I need you to enter
your Netflix password.
319
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:49,029
It's "Han job 69."
You're the one who set it.
320
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,398
And thanks for letting me
crash here.
321
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:54,601
I'm not sure you can legally
make me your butler for life,
322
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:57,337
but I did sign the contract.
323
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,640
I'm still feeling
a little woozy.
324
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,175
Hello, Sophie.
325
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,211
Don't change the subject.
326
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,479
For the first time,
I really wanted to go to school.
327
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,615
I know I could fit
your head in my toilet,
328
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,517
but I wonder if I can get
your whole body in there.
329
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,955
Wow, you really put the "bitch"
in "itch."
330
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,190
Could you?
331
00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,626
Ah, that's the stuff.
332
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,095
Now get my back.
333
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,597
You like that?
Is it hard enough?
334
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:25,933
Am I hurting you?
335
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,901
Don't flatter yourself.
336
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,402
Don't stop till I get enough.
337
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,539
OLEG: Won't that be easier
if Max takes her shirt off?
338
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:34,975
Oleg!
339
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,944
Are you spying on us?
340
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,679
OLEG: Momma.
341
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,114
I am so screwed.
342
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,250
The bartending test
is in two hours,
343
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,118
and I can't remember
what goes in a White Lady.
344
00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:49,222
A bottle of chardonnay and then
a fat guy that makes her laugh.
345
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,623
OLEG: Is that Caroline?
346
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,260
She sounds like
she's not wearing underwear.
347
00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,431
How did Oleg get inside
the doll?
348
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:02,135
Wish it was the first time
I said that.
349
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,270
OLEG: I got the app,
350
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,505
and now I have a Saturday night.
351
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,675
SOPHIE: Oleg, have you seen
my Sophie doll?
352
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,677
OLEG: Uh...I haven't seen her.
353
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,145
(whispers)
Gotta go.
354
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,615
Wait, this thing
works with any phone?
355
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,684
Oh, my God, Max,
we can use the doll so
356
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,353
you can read me the ingredients
for drinks on the test.
357
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:23,190
You mean cheat?
At school?
358
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,992
Wow, maybe we did switch bodies.
359
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,195
-Rats.
-Oh, thank God.
360
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,997
Is there any way I could
get either of you
361
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165
to scratch my tum-tum?
362
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:34,968
Here.
363
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:35,969
Ooh.
364
00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,338
The nails are real.
365
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,381
Nice shirt, nerd.
366
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:51,018
Ooh, nice shirt.
367
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,352
Thanks, Mr. B.
368
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,988
Any love for my shirt?
369
00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,189
Mm, feels desperate.
370
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,058
Hey, where's Max?
371
00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,327
A bunch of us are going
to Chili's after class.
372
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,362
Max is sick,
but I'm totally free.
373
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:05,098
Mm, reservation's only for ten.
374
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,467
But Max isn't here,
so I can take her spot.
375
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,069
You'd think.
376
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:11,871
What's that?
377
00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,474
Oh, this is my
emotional support doll.
378
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,743
I brush her hair
and it calms me down.
379
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,677
I'm not insane.
380
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,480
Hey, I've been saying
that for 30 years!
381
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,349
All right, kiddies,
382
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,551
I need ten drinks
in ten minutes.
383
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,120
Or, as a blacked-out me
once said,
384
00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,389
"Let's get this starty parted."
385
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,390
Begin.
386
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,325
Max, are you there?
387
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,560
Can you see the set-up?
388
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,495
I see you and Julie both
389
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,665
shop at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose.
390
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,700
Care for a cinnamon stick
in your cocoa?
391
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:44,204
Never mind, a millipede
carried it off.
392
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,473
How's school?
Did anybody ask about me?
393
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,108
Tell Keith whassup.
394
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:50,310
And tell Dave whassup,
but not in front of Keith.
395
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,678
Max, focus.
396
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:54,281
The first drink I have to make
is a Negroni.
397
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,815
And I'll tell you how to make it
398
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,185
as soon as you relay
a message to Jeff
399
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,087
that goes a lot like this:
400
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,388
whassup.
401
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:02,422
(sighs)
402
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,125
Max says, "Whassup, whassup."
403
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,793
Okay, I'm listening.
404
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,395
Gin.
405
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,796
MAX: No, that's not gin.
406
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:12,199
Did you even go to kindergarten?
407
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,334
It's the one right next to it.
408
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,435
Got it.
409
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,704
Wow, I am really cheating.
410
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,773
I am such a bad girl.
411
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,543
Here we go,
hot cocoa Han-style.
412
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:26,279
Complete with a frothy
marshmallow layer.
413
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,281
Ooh, marshmallows.
414
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,350
And marshmallows, got it.
415
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,518
No, no, no, not you.
416
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,586
I was talking to Swiss Miss
over here.
417
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,088
[both screaming]
418
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,489
Aah...
419
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,459
choo.
420
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,728
Man, you are acting
crazier than me
421
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,231
when I was stalking Tom Hanks.
422
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,465
It's okay, it's okay.
423
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,500
(stammers) You spilled
all over the book.
424
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,836
I can't read a thing.
How is this okay?
425
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,238
Because...
426
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,206
that was your cocoa.
427
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,177
Mmm.
428
00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,547
How do you like
your girl Swiss Miss now?
429
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,183
You better grab something
to dry this book off.
430
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,452
Bookoff?
Is that a vodka?
431
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,287
I'm panicking.
I'm gonna fail.
432
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,755
(hair dryer blowing)
Aah!
433
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:12,091
(hair dryer blowing loudly)
434
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,394
Aw,
435
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,196
cheating on a bartending test?
436
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,432
I am gonna tell you the same
thing I told The Situation:
437
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,269
you take it on back to Jersey.
438
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,903
Good one, Mr. B.
439
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,339
Oh, thanks, Julie.
440
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,575
I am so sorry, Mr. Bronski.
441
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,477
Please don't fail me.
I'll do anything.
442
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,345
-Oh.
-But nothing sexual.
443
00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:33,646
Oh.
444
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,183
I mean, after all,
it's just bartending school.
445
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:39,452
I'm gonna take
this doll with me.
446
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,554
She's gonna be our tenth
at Chili's.
447
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:43,590
MAX: (gasps)
448
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,225
Hey, Mr. B, whassup!
449
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,793
Hi, Max.
450
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,198
I just can't get it
out of my head.
451
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,199
It was terrible.
452
00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,634
He ripped apart the doll
right in front of me.
453
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,803
And then this part
I couldn't even tell you,
454
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:59,206
I f...
455
00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:01,140
-Failed?
-Farted!
456
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,811
You know how my stomach gets
when I'm upset.
457
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,180
Well, if it makes you
feel any better,
458
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,449
I woke up with
me and Han spooning.
459
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,518
(gasps)
460
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:12,852
Which spoon were you?
461
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:16,623
The one with the stiffie
in her back for three hours.
462
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,660
Hey, everybody.
463
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,498
We just stopped in
for a Jolly Rancher shot
464
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,166
on our way to a live sex show.
465
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,303
Sophie, where's the baby?
466
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,239
Oh, she's with the babysitter.
467
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:36,376
Some perverted SOB
stole my Sophie doll.
468
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,546
I realized that
469
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,548
it's okay
not to watch baby Barbara
470
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,583
for 24-8.
471
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:48,221
You know, in Poland,
we get the extra day.
472
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,590
For dredging the lakes.
473
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,561
Why don't you go
get us a table, Sophie?
474
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,929
Okay.
475
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,898
Any chance of getting
that doll back?
476
00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,469
I really underestimated how
strong my feelings for it were.
477
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,237
I know.
478
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:07,374
I was the one who walked in
on you brushing her hair.
479
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,810
And I was the one who
asked you not to repeat that.
480
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,579
I'll have a mojito.
481
00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,347
Sorry, we don't do
off-menu drinks.
482
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,348
I'm on it.
483
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,683
Bup-bup-bup!
484
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,984
One mojito coming up.
485
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,321
What are you doing?
We failed the class.
486
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,591
Ooh, first time
I didn't fart saying that.
487
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:25,758
You failed.
488
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,360
Between studying
and helping you cheat,
489
00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,596
I learned how to make
every drink in that book.
490
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,999
Oh, my God, Max,
you learned something.
491
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,435
I failed so you could succeed.
492
00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,637
So in a way,
I succeeded too.
493
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,640
You've done it again,
Caroline Channing.
494
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,009
OLEG: Oh, yeah!
495
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,748
Oh.
The live sex show is here.
496
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:52,919
(cash register dings)
497
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:58,291
(upbeat rock music)
498
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:05,264
*
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