Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,237
Ladies and waitresses,
2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:06,774
I am the great Han-dini!
3
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,509
Somewhere there's
a top of a wedding cake
4
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:11,245
missing its groom.
5
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,281
I went to traffic school
this weekend
6
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,116
and was taught by a magician.
7
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,385
My traffic school
was taught by a comedian.
8
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,120
It wasn't funny,
but at least I saw
9
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,455
what Jon Lovitz was up to.
10
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,557
Did you get a DWI?
11
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:24,792
Driving while itty-bitty?
12
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,826
(laughs)
13
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:28,396
I ran a series of red lights.
14
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:32,066
I received word there had been
a Squirtle sighting.
15
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:34,402
And now, I'm about
to pull a rabbit
16
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,537
-out of a hat.
-Big deal.
17
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,572
I just pulled half a raccoon
out of the toilet.
18
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,376
Presto!
19
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,746
This is making me depressed-o.
20
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,549
Where are you?
21
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,583
(bell dings)
22
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,153
Pick up.
23
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,188
Salad with a rabbit on it.
24
00:00:58,326 --> 00:01:01,829
He just can't serve a salad
without a hare in it.
25
00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:04,132
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
26
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,666
(cash register bell dings)
27
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:11,071
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
28
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,509
Amazing news:
29
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,478
I found a penny.
30
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,748
And our dessert bar
is in Time Out Magazine.
31
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,450
(gasps) Whoa!
"Where are they now?
32
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,852
Pizza Rat!"
33
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,454
Not that.
Our piece is right here
34
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,389
next to this Walking Dead ad.
35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,224
Oh, wait,
that's Michael Douglas.
36
00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:34,495
So, the walking dead.
37
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:38,132
"Former scandal queen
Caroline Channing's
38
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:39,800
cozy Brooklyn dessert bar,
M&C's, that's beaut--"
39
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,336
"Caroline Channing's
dessert bar"?
40
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,205
This place isn't like
your sex life, Caroline.
41
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,773
You're not doing it
all by yourself.
42
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,609
I don't even do it
by myself anymore.
43
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,911
I was talking too much,
44
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,347
and, look, I mentioned you
right here.
45
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,149
"Partner."
46
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,684
I'm more than just the partner,
47
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,652
I'm the creative inspiration.
48
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,488
I'm Steve Jobs
and you're the fat guy
49
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,589
that drives a Segway.
50
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,492
I tried to include you.
51
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,260
I told you
the interview was on Monday,
52
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:07,895
and you said
that's your whippit night.
53
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,697
Oh, I whipped it.
54
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:11,899
Whipped it good.
55
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,671
Caroline, back that ass up.
56
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:21,609
I don't want anyone
too close to my baby.
57
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,212
Is that why you dipped her
in perfume?
58
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:27,215
I want everyone
to treat little Barbara
59
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,582
like Mariah Carey
60
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,818
and never look
directly in her eyes.
61
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:33,554
Is that why
she's wearing sunglasses?
62
00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:36,790
I just got off.
63
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,659
And also, I'm done with work.
64
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,261
Okay.
65
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,829
There's my girls.
66
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,531
We're not your girls, Oleg.
67
00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,799
I have it in writing
from a judge.
68
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,502
Oleg, give her some space.
69
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:51,672
Her spray tan
hasn't even dried yet.
70
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,808
Sophie, I've been reading
a parenting blog called
71
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:57,645
"So, You've Ruined Your Life,"
72
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:01,582
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
73
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:04,585
I think that's only true
for human dads.
74
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:07,521
Maybe you can
bond with the baby later.
75
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,457
You know,
like, when she has a baby.
76
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,460
I can't wait 12 years.
77
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,696
Sophie, I'm her father.
78
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,265
I helped make her.
79
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,867
This wasn't
a Virgin Marski situation.
80
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,570
There was nothing immaculate
about this conception.
81
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,839
Well, the fun part's over now.
82
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,708
Yeah, she's mine.
83
00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,747
Excuse you.
84
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:41,355
(thumping and clattering)
85
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,829
She's getting really good
with that thing.
86
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,299
I'm gonna do what I do
when all women tell me
87
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,600
not to be near them.
88
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,502
I'm gonna follow her.
89
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,839
Uh, Caroline Channing?
90
00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:00,874
Hi, I'm Doug Reynolds,
I'm a professor at Wharton.
91
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,843
Hey, I went to Wharton.
92
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:03,977
Yeah, I know.
93
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,313
I saw your interview
in Time Out.
94
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,814
You mentioned it several times.
95
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:07,915
Once when you were asked
96
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,350
where the dessert bar
was located.
97
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,386
Well, it is east of Wharton.
98
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,787
You haven't heard
her Wharton song.
99
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,523
* Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton *
100
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,824
* Wharton, Wharton, Wharton
Wharton, Wharton *
101
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,427
Yeah, it's not a great song,
102
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,663
but the story about
how you built your business
103
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,465
from the ashes
of your father's infamy,
104
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:25,966
that's inspiring.
105
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,735
You're the business world's
Rudy.
106
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,703
Well, now you're just
quoting me.
107
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,041
Hi, I'm "Partner."
108
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,909
Howdy, Partner.
(chuckles)
109
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,778
Hey, I teach a business class
over at Penn
110
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:41,549
because the stock market crashed
in 2008.
111
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:43,384
I would love it
if both of you would come
112
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:44,818
and talk to the students.
113
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,720
Like a scared-straight thing?
114
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,423
Not the pen.
115
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,691
Penn,
the University of Pennsylvania.
116
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,925
-That's where Wharton is.
-Hmm.
117
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,093
If you'd listen
to my whole song,
118
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,595
you'd hear it
in the third verse.
119
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,531
We'd pay for your train
to Philadelphia
120
00:04:57,565 --> 00:04:58,932
and campus housing.
121
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,768
-Ooh.
-We'd love to come.
122
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,935
Right, partner?
123
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,804
And my parole officer,
124
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,005
mother,
guidance counselor,
125
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:06,073
and the state of Rhode Island
126
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:08,376
said I'd never go to college.
127
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:09,943
I can get your email
from the website.
128
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,945
I'll send you the info.
129
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,547
We have a site?
130
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,082
I hope there are no nudies
of me on it
131
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,917
'cause Larry Flynt owns
the rights to my image.
132
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:20,654
-You know what this means?
-Uh...
133
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:22,623
(both) * Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton *
134
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,792
* Wharton, Wharton, Wharton,
Wharton, Wharton, Wharton... *
135
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,096
One bong or two?
136
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,565
Max, this is a business trip.
137
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,967
We're not going to Comic-Con
with Woody Harrelson.
138
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,803
Wait, is that on the table?
139
00:05:36,870 --> 00:05:38,539
Anyway, this is your trip
140
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,540
for the dessert bar.
141
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,108
So again, one bong or two?
142
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:44,412
I am never gonna live down
the "partner" thing, am I?
143
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,681
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
144
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:50,584
(scoffs)
I wasn't gonna eat your face.
145
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:53,787
I am not having this argument
with you again.
146
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,457
I'm not mad
about the partner thing.
147
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:59,159
I'm excited to go to college.
I already told Randy,
148
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,762
and he's gonna send me
a care package.
149
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,031
Emphasis on the package.
150
00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:07,635
I broke up
with my high school boyfriend
151
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,504
when I went to college
just to keep my options open.
152
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,606
Pfft, you're in Time Out
New York with Pizza Rat.
153
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,007
What's that loser doing now?
154
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:17,010
It was Mark Zuckerberg.
155
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,547
Just tell me about
the parties at college
156
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,014
'cause that's
the only reason I'm going.
157
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,783
Oh,
158
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,952
they were epic.
159
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,620
You know what they say,
160
00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:28,956
if you remember
the parties at Wharton,
161
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,491
you weren't there.
162
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:31,825
You weren't here, were you?
163
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,028
-No.
-Okay.
164
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,631
But some of those
all-night study sessions
165
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,066
got pretty punchy.
166
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,934
Like whackadoo.
167
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,671
You're making me punchy
right now.
168
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,674
(knocks on door)
169
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,542
Hey, girls,
170
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,077
Oleg isn't here, is he?
171
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,946
Do you hear us screaming
"get out" or "put that away"?
172
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,485
He keeps wanting
to bond with the baby.
173
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,887
Why can't he be more like
the men in Poland?
174
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,656
Why can't he be in Poland
is my question.
175
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:06,026
I mean, they wouldn't even be in
the same room as their baby girl
176
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:08,896
until it was time
to sell her off.
177
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,832
You know, my father's
first words to me were,
178
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,767
"Next item up for bid."
179
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,537
I can't believe I'm saying this,
180
00:07:16,570 --> 00:07:18,639
but Oleg's not wrong here.
181
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:20,641
He's wrong, literally,
everywhere else.
182
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:21,909
(knocks on door)
183
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,645
Oh, it must be Oleg.
184
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:28,181
-Hide us.
-Hide you?
185
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:31,552
That carriage can be seen
from space.
186
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:35,188
All right, tell Oleg
I'm definitely not in the barn.
187
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:38,492
Yeah, now,
188
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,860
I'm gonna be in the barn.
189
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,499
This is where we put up
grad students
190
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:46,800
and occasional guest lecturers
191
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,669
who are too poor
to stay in a hotel.
192
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,270
Losers.
193
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,639
You guys got any towels?
194
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,807
You'll have to forgive Max.
195
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,242
She's just excited to be here.
196
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,545
We know, obviously,
there'll be a bath sheet
197
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,979
and a hand towel for each of us.
198
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,581
Right?
199
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,983
And here's your bedroom.
200
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:05,085
I'm the RA,
but don't worry,
201
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,754
I'm not super uptight.
202
00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:09,557
Just no noise after 10:00
or I'll come at you hard.
203
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,825
You'll have no problems from us.
204
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,894
I was an RA
when I went to school here.
205
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,262
I'm Caroline Channing.
206
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,597
The.
207
00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:19,132
Caroline Channing?
208
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:20,601
You're Buzzkill Channing?
209
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:24,271
I knew Caroline wasn't
your real name.
210
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:27,274
You're the most legendary RA
we've ever had.
211
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,910
I heard you once threw a kid
out of a second-story window.
212
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,144
That's just a myth,
213
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,013
but a hookah pipe
did take flight.
214
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,147
(laughs)
215
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,916
And I was a hookah
216
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,718
by the airport.
217
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,220
Well, it's an honor
to have your here, Buzzkill.
218
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,758
I'm gonna have to search
your trash bag before you leave.
219
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,661
Everything good's gonna be
in my butt.
220
00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,998
She's fun.
221
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,800
Okay, let's unpack,
222
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,668
get our shower buckets
organized.
223
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,771
I'm unpacked.
Let's go par-tois.
224
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,840
How many flasks do you have?
225
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,274
I already took two away
from you.
226
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,843
Now, you be the audience.
227
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,712
I need to practice my speech
for tomorrow.
228
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,246
We need to party.
229
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,248
Tonight needs to end
with us driving a police car
230
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,851
into a fountain on the quad
or it is a fail.
231
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,120
I am not here to party.
232
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,989
I am here to--
to show people
233
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:18,325
with determination
and perspiration,
234
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:20,994
you can become an inspiration.
235
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,096
Max, what do you think of that?
236
00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,598
Max?
237
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,033
Max?
238
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,769
I'm not organizing
your shower bucket.
239
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,710
(door opens)
240
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,046
Caroline, are you awake?
241
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,648
No.
242
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,015
It's cool, she's up.
Come on in.
243
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,618
(indistinct chatter)
244
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:47,721
(gasps)
Who are these people?
245
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,322
I'm sorry, but we had
to leave the bar.
246
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:51,024
The roof was on fire.
247
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,392
At first we thought
the DJ was just
248
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,162
getting the party started,
but it actually was.
249
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,765
Anyway, we'll try not
to keep it down.
250
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:04,371
(indistinct chatter)
251
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:07,107
Okay, who's next?
I washed it out.
252
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:08,809
Nobody else
throw up in this thing.
253
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:09,843
I mean it.
254
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,278
After I crush this,
255
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,413
you wanna come back
to my dorm room?
256
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,115
I have a junior suite.
257
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,817
You're sweet, Junior.
258
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,119
but I have a boyfriend
who could be your father.
259
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,722
He also could be my father,
I've never met the man.
260
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,757
Uh, Buzzkill, 3:00.
261
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,025
Just a minute, young man.
262
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,260
There is no underage drinking
here.
263
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,262
This is college.
264
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:31,131
(cell phone ringing)
265
00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:32,432
Hello?
266
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,034
Oh, hi, Oleg.
267
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,869
I lost Sophie again.
268
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,305
She's like
a sexy set of car keys.
269
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,273
(gasps)
Hey!
270
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,710
No random,
uncommitted sex here.
271
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,644
This is college.
272
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:50,884
I have a computer full of videos
that says you're wrong.
273
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,886
CAROLINE (over phone):
Oleg, I can't talk now.
274
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:55,155
I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is,
275
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,857
so I've had to step up.
276
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:59,760
We're like the Marines
of no funny business.
277
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,931
(gasps)
That better not be a joint.
278
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:07,000
(sniffs)
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.
279
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,204
Sophie won't even
let me feed Barbara.
280
00:11:11,238 --> 00:11:13,874
She says fathers aren't equipped
for the job.
281
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,710
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.
282
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:19,980
Anyone ever tell you
you're a real buzzkill?
283
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,815
(gasps)
I have to go.
284
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,751
I hear zippers unzipping.
285
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:28,021
Were you just on the phone
with Poison Control?
286
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,923
Because I told you,
Steve's gonna be fine.
287
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,095
See?
Breathing, I think.
288
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,497
Now take off your top
and shotgun a beer with me.
289
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,967
Max, my speech is tomorrow,
290
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,502
and this top gets
a lot of compliments.
291
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:45,138
I just want you
to have fun at college for once.
292
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:46,373
Can you do that for me?
293
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,041
I do things for you
all the time.
294
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:49,076
You remember when
I told your date
295
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,377
it was Chestnut that farted.
296
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,979
Fine.
297
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,347
If I have one drink,
will you roll Steve out of here
298
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,648
and get everyone to leave?
299
00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,955
all: (chanting)
Buzzkill!
300
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:04,825
(electronic music playing)
301
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:07,094
-Whoo!
all: (cheering)
302
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,097
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
303
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,232
(cheering)
304
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,834
Ah...
305
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,837
corrupting dorks
is meaningful work.
306
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:20,841
Who wants to see me
pretend bang Steve again?
307
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,076
(cheering)
308
00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:24,845
Do it for real!
309
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,247
(laughs)
310
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,849
Caroline, what are you doing?
311
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,250
You of all people should know,
312
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,852
you can't have a party here.
313
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:32,986
This is college.
314
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,522
Pfft, get off my back, narc.
315
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,390
Ooh, who's this?
316
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:43,897
My fiancé.
317
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,401
Guess we gotta make it even.
318
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:52,806
*
319
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:54,041
Oh, my God.
320
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,445
Oh, my God,
I love College Caroline
321
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,881
so much more
than all other Carolines.
322
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:06,119
*
323
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,426
(exhales)
Damn, college is fun.
324
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,795
I'm glad I went.
325
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:19,566
Oh, no, I'm late!
326
00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,402
That's impossible.
You haven't had sex in years.
327
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,472
Also, you look like
an Italian grandmother.
328
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,579
(gasps and screams)
Oh, my God!
329
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,314
Who did this to me?
330
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,582
This was the compromise.
331
00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,117
They wanted to shave your head.
332
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,318
(gasps)
333
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,153
I am still a little drunk,
334
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,922
and I forget
what was in my speech,
335
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,324
and I look like
a very pretty Burt Reynolds
336
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,293
and this is all your fault!
337
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:49,096
Is the implication here
that Burt Reynolds isn't pretty?
338
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,999
Yes, it is my fault
for forcing you
339
00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,333
to have the time of your life
340
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,601
and make out with those dudes.
341
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,936
Max, you don't even--
342
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:56,937
dudes?
343
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:58,071
Plural?
344
00:13:58,105 --> 00:13:59,272
How many dudes?
345
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:01,474
I lost count
after the third Chet.
346
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:04,077
I can't believe
you did this to me.
347
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:06,413
It was more like
you doing it to them.
348
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,416
Max, I am serious right now.
(exhales sharply)
349
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,351
Calm down, Luigi.
350
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,954
(exhales)
Max, I know you were mad
351
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,957
about the Time Out interview
and the "partner" thing,
352
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,226
but I can't believe
you sabotaged me on purpose.
353
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,361
Okay, first of all,
354
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,030
I don't think about you
that much.
355
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:25,032
I am sorry
I didn't give you credit,
356
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,634
but ruining this for me
is so much worse.
357
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,236
This was gonna be my comeback.
358
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:30,537
I wasn't mad.
359
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,172
You were the only one
upset about it.
360
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,640
I don't care about that stuff.
361
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,675
Honestly, I just wanted you
to have a good time.
362
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,111
I didn't need
to have a good time.
363
00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,980
I needed to make people jealous.
364
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,414
Who's gonna be
jealous of me now?
365
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,984
Guys that can't
grow facial hair?
366
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:46,553
Look, you were great at school
367
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:49,389
and last night you were great
at having fun at school.
368
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,958
You're lucky.
I have last night,
369
00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,359
but I'll never get to have both.
370
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,627
What're you talking about?
371
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,163
You're the smart one.
372
00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:57,664
You deserve
your moment of triumph,
373
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,967
but you also deserve
not to be Buzzkill Channing
374
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,301
for the rest of your life.
375
00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:04,204
You really weren't mad
about the interview?
376
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,438
A little,
377
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,340
but I'm always
a little mad at you.
378
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,210
I'm sorry
if I screwed things up.
379
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,179
You don't have to be.
380
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,982
I really did have fun, Max.
381
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:17,650
See if you like the googly-eyes
I drew around your nipples.
382
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,554
Fun how they go
in different directions.
383
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,494
Sorry we're late.
384
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:29,229
I had to scrub the googly-eyes
off my--
385
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,431
bicycle traffic.
386
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,000
Well, let's get started.
387
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,002
I'm supposed to have lunch
with my son, Steve.
388
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,170
We had a little fight last night
before he left for a party.
389
00:15:37,204 --> 00:15:39,172
If anything ever happened
to him, I'd be devastated.
390
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:42,575
Praying for a different Steve.
391
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:47,047
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.
392
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,316
I'm pretty sure you got
one of the Chets pregnant.
393
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,054
Caroline Channing is
an alumni of Wharton,
394
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,056
and also the brains behind
395
00:15:56,089 --> 00:15:58,091
a thriving new dessert bar
in Brooklyn,
396
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:01,194
and she is here
to tell us how she did it.
397
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,595
Oh, also, um, whoever
keeps writing "wash me"
398
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:06,233
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.
399
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,335
Caroline.
400
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:11,338
It is a great honor
to be here today.
401
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:14,107
I learned a lot
at this fine institution.
402
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,343
Hard work, integrity,
403
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,446
a lot of math I'll never use.
404
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,481
There are
a lot of smart people here,
405
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,383
but the smartest person I know,
406
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,318
I met waiting tables in a diner.
407
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,519
Max, turn around.
408
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,557
The other way.
409
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,363
And I am proud
to call her my partner.
410
00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,498
(coughs)
Gay.
411
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,667
This woman is
the reason I'm here today.
412
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,503
She should be giving the speech
because she's how I did it.
413
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:46,239
Her name is Max Black.
414
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,807
(light applause)
415
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,310
Um, what're you doing?
You're leaving?
416
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,345
They're jealous enough,
417
00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,114
and I want you
to have your moment.
418
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,383
You should get to have both too.
419
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,051
And also, chug-chug
has to puke-puke.
420
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,489
And, uh, all right...
421
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,126
I didn't go to college,
422
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:08,228
but after spending
some time here,
423
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:11,298
I think I could teach you
a few things.
424
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,534
Beer...
425
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,769
before liquor,
426
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,071
never sicker.
427
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:22,175
Liquor before beer,
428
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,776
never fear.
429
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:28,081
And weed before
and after everything.
430
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,252
Also, pimps up, hos down.
431
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,686
Never...
432
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,223
get high on your own supply,
433
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:37,824
and, most importantly,
434
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,226
shake ya ass,
435
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,428
but watch yourself.
436
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,630
You should be taking notes.
This'll be on the midterm.
437
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,303
Well, like most people
straight out of college,
438
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,305
I'm at a job
I don't wanna be at.
439
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,806
That's right.
440
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,644
She went back and got her degree
in "Make-out Slut."
441
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,579
And we may have killed a guy.
442
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,381
I may have too.
443
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,183
I drove here without my glasses.
444
00:18:04,884 --> 00:18:08,288
You know, in Poland,
girls don't go to college.
445
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,123
They drop them in a lake,
446
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:13,693
and whoever doesn't drown
is a witch.
447
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:16,863
Doesn't that make you a witch,
Sophie?
448
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:19,299
No comment.
449
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:23,703
If it isn't Magic No-Johnson.
450
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,540
Pick a card,
and don't show me what it is.
451
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,810
Don't worry, I'll hold it
well above four feet.
452
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,346
Whatever puts the card
in your hands, toots.
453
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:37,617
Was this your card?
454
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,719
Nope, it was
the Queen of Hearts.
455
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:42,189
Oh, my God,
456
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:44,791
Han's a witch too!
457
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,327
Drown him!
458
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,897
I did it.
459
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,666
What hell have I unleashed?
460
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,536
Whatever it is,
keep it in your training pants.
461
00:18:57,837 --> 00:18:59,506
I should have just
done traffic school online,
462
00:18:59,539 --> 00:19:01,341
but, no, Han wanted
to meet people.
463
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,544
Sophie,
464
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,647
I think I found the solution
to all our problems.
465
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,915
(gasps)
466
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,184
Microwave in the headboard?
467
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:13,853
I've told you repeatedly,
468
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:16,155
the science
just isn't there yet.
469
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,525
Make sure I get an email
470
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:21,194
when it is there.
471
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,795
This is about us
472
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,464
and Barbara.
473
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,566
I want to be more involved.
474
00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:29,302
That's why I got these.
475
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,442
Moobs...
476
00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,746
To feed Barbara with.
477
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:42,382
Great, now I'm jealous
of Oleg's rack.
478
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,853
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there,
so am I.
479
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,421
Oleg,
480
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,857
tell me you kept your ding-dong.
481
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,693
Oh, yeah.
482
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,696
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it
for the time being.
483
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,866
We've gotta get that kid
out of that house.
484
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:03,236
Well, you know what, Barbara?
485
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:06,839
You're really lucky
to have such a good father.
486
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:10,577
I guess I have been
bogarting baby Barbara.
487
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,746
Yeah, it really is sweet
that you did that, Oleg.
488
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,382
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
489
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:21,621
We're out of milk
in the kitchen.
490
00:20:32,499 --> 00:20:35,535
I really hope Earl milking Oleg
491
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:36,636
is our rock bottom.
492
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,771
It won't be.
493
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:42,642
(cash register bell dings)
494
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:49,849
(upbeat music)
495
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:56,889
*
34669
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof