Original subtitles

(upbeat rock music)

What the hell are we doing here on a Tuesday afternoon?

The only customer we've had was Earl

when he forgot he works here and ordered lunch.

First of all, you're forgetting the pack of dogs

that wandered in, had an orgy, and left.

Probably easy for me to forget 'cause

I wasn't the one they tried to have sex with.

And we still have to work here because our dessert bar's

only been open a week; we need income.

(sighs) I don't like working in the daytime.

You can see freaky things in this light.

Look, there's an ant carrying a stool.

Look, there's a waitress carrying nothing.

Wow, Han, you have new-stool money?

Are you in Forbes' "40 Under 4 Feet?"

I didn't buy this. Lady Luck threw me a bone.

I'm sure she hated herself in the morning.

A beloved old man in my building passed away,

and after the neighbors paid our solemn respects,

we cleaned the dump out.

Han, that is so disrespectful.

We didn't get a text?

Ooh, I forgot my sweet hemorrhoid doughnut I scored.

You don't need hemorrhoids to enjoy it.

Hemorrhoid doughnut.

All of the comfort and none of the calories.

Ooh! A new stool.

2005 is shaping up to be a great year.

That's Han's stool.

Well, Han's stool just bought a one-way ticket

to Earl's butt.

This the saddest episode of Game of Thrones

I've ever seen.

Still, I'm rooting for the dwarf.

(Peter Bjorn and John) * Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Tonight, we are hitting the chic-est spot in Williamsburg

to poach their chic-est patrons.

If we start out with a cool clientele,

models, gays,

rich guys that want to have sex with models and gays,

we'll be an in-spot for at least five years.

Were you talking to me that whole time?

Who else would I be talking to?

You're the only one here.

-(giggles) -Oh.

That was a Randy giggle.

And that's Randy's penis.

Not all of it. It's a pretty small screen.

Yeah, we decided to continue our nonexclusive,

long-distance, sexting thing.

Is that the Oxford English Dictionary definition?

If Oxford likes to get naked and squat over a phone.

But your girl's running out of sexting ideas.

There's only four emojis that look like penises.

Five if you count the corn on the cob.

Don't ruin the corn on the cob for me.

I use that for barbecues and farmers markets.

That's what you were talking about?

I've just been adding "in my pants" to everything.

Example:

"What do you think about climate change

in my pants?"

Come on, I need you focused tonight.

No more sexting.

Just put it away and tell him to do the same.

All right, let me just find the eggplant emoji

and, of course, the pants.

(knocking)

Hey, girls.

(cheers and applause)

Oh, do you need a hand there, Soph--

I can do it!

Sophie, why the enormous old-timey stroller?

There better be a cartoon baby

dressed like Al Capone in that thing.

Hey, girls,

can Barbara and me stay down here tonight?

Oleg and I can't have sex for two more weeks

and it's just getting too steamy up there.

So, that explains the heavy panting

we're hearing through our ceiling, our walls, and

most disturbing of all, our drain.

I gotta pee.

I gotta go all the time now.

You know, that's something that you girls

need to know about me.

Any time that we talk,

I'm peeing a little bit.

Uh--yeah.

Oh.

There's daddy's little jock block.

(sighs) I tried to release my sexual frustration creatively,

but my erotic poetry

was rejected by National Pornographic

for being, quote, "just disgusting."

My sexts are so lame.

Why can't I be disgusting?

There's a burrito stuck to the side of your dresser.

You're there.

"Can't wait for you to put your butt

"on top of...my butt

in my pants"?

Jeez, thanks for the nice break from being horny.

I am not proud of how not slutty it is.

Now, give me back my phone. It hasn't had its shots.

-Sent. -What?

"Your testicles are two glistening Cadbury Eggs,

and Mama's got a sweet tooth."

This mama's got puke in her mouth.

I cannot believe you'd send something so disgusting.

You are dead to m-- (text swoosh)

(gasps) He likes it!

You want to turn a man on?

Heh, you call Oleg.

(strained moans)

I hope it doesn't make you too jealous, but

I was just sexting with Randy.

Yeah?

-Yeah? -Oh...

(strained moans)

Caroline, get the hose.

* *

Okay, now remember, we're targeting models, gays,

and upwardly mobile millennials with discretionary income.

Basically anyone better than us.

Were you talking to me that whole time?

And yes, I was talking to you that whole time.

IDs, please?

You know they don't force you to use

the first picture they take.

I'm eating a pickle in mine.

I think you look great.

Hi, I'm Jake.

Hi, Jake.

ID, Jake?

He's about 27,

lots of discresh income?

27 exactly.

Guess my weight and I'll buy you a drink.

So, um, how do you maintain such a dork-less clientele?

I need to know 'cause I have a roommate situation.

Watch and learn, pickles.

Oh, sweet,

I found Carmen Sandiego.

I don't know where in the world you're going, buddy,

but it ain't in here.

(both laugh)

Oh, you got this.

But do not let the guy in the overalls

get out of here without me calling him "Farmer Yawn."

Max, I am killing it.

Jake, you've met.

Nahani and Ariel are models. They can eat whatever they want.

* Hate them

And then, this is Tad

and Jameson, they're gay.

I perform reenactments

of the life and tragic death of Amy Winehouse with Barbies.

I work at Staples.

Oh, power couple.

None of New York's elite are here, besides me.

I guess I'm not going backstage at Barbie Winehouse.

You tried to make them come to this bar

and they said, "No, no, no."

(gasps) My gay guys at 12:00.

I spoke too soon.

And you spat a little.

Tad! Jameson!

Welcome to the M and C Dessert Bar.

No, you're not dreaming!

If they were, we'd be shirtless dudes.

This place is fabulous.

Can I have one of these cookie dough-tinis?

It's my cheat night,

that's why I'm with him.

(jovial commotion)

Hmm, not sure who these gals are.

Max, did you talk about this place at Pep Boys?

I told Manny and Moe, but I didn't say a word to Jack.

Oh, Tad. Let me get you another one.

It's fine, it's fine.

-It is? -No.

That's gay for "we're leaving."

They chased off my hot gay guys.

I don't want to be rude here,

but who invited these horrible women?

Charlene's in the house!

(cheering)

And there it is. Damn it, Max.

Why did you invite your bouncer buddy

when you know I'm trying to cultivate a vibe?

I didn't invite her.

And I did not think she'd be wearing gym shorts

and a SUNY Albany sweatshirt.

Hey, I know you guys were trying

to get the cool crowd in here,

so, you know,

boom!

And where are they? The cool people?

All right. Take it easy.

Maybe they are cool.

Is that one eating a PB and J?

All right!

Who wants to take on Big Reba?

Take on how?

Max, you speak Goon.

How? How--how?

Not fluently.

I only lived in Goon for a semester.

You're on.

On how?

How--how?

CAROLINE: Oh good, they brought rope.

I hope they brought some for me too.

And they did not bring deodorant.

Ladies, what is this

and how can we make it stop?

You got a front row seat to New York City's elite

underground ladies' arm wrestling.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

(all shouting)

Oh, my God.

I own an arm wrestling bar.

No, you don't.

We own an arm wrestling bar!

(screaming)

* *

I hope you're texting Charlene and the rest of

her WWE Raw crowd to never come back to our bar.

Uh, you were sobbing and begging them to stop.

I think she got the message.

I don't know if she was listening.

She was carrying Big Reba around on her shoulders.

This is pitiful.

I just sexted Randy a picture of a penguin.

I don't even think penguins are that sexy!

Oh, my God. Everything is turning me on.

I just walked in on an elderly lady in the bathroom

and almost lost my mind.

What were you doing in the ladies' room?

All right, fine, it was a man.

Yeah, we all have problems.

I have sexter's block.

Want me to take a stab at it?

See, that's already better than anything I have.

Just write it down. I don't want

your fingerprints on my phone.

You think I still have fingerprints?

Oh, my God.

Are you really gonna have sext with Oleg?

I don't know why you think I'm above this.

Out of the way. Earl's looking for me.

And as soon as he realizes he's outside,

I'm in big trouble.

Can you unfollow a person in real life?

Where would he least expect me to hide this?

Up high?

"Shorty wouldn't go high," Earl would say.

Oh, won't I, Earl?

Han, you're talking to yourself.

And why don't you just buy another stool?

Earl wants this one.

And for once in his life, he's not gonna get what he wants!

I'll just keep it under here till he forgets about it.

Which should be in about an hour.

Yesterday I caught him putting pennies on his sandwich.

Hide and seek, old timer.

I don't know how it's possible,

but he's getting weirder.

Those wrestlers won't be back tonight, right, Max?

Right, God? Are you there, God?

It's me, Caroline, the one you forgot about?

Where'd that turd hide my stool?

Thanks, y'all.

I knew Shorty wouldn't go high.

Oleg, how you doing over there?

You're gonna need a bigger data plan.

* *

(commotion)

Max, it's been two nights in a row.

If we don't nip this in the bud,

we're both gonna be lady arm wrestlers' girlfriends.

You're not exactly thriving

not being a lady arm wrestler's girlfriend.

And I don't see what the problem is.

They're paying customers.

They're drinking beer.

From a helmet they brought with them.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't go, don't go. Please, please, sir.

Well, the last of our vibe is leaving.

Pretty sure all these ladies have vibes.

Guessing vintage plug-ins.

That's it. Everybody!

Everybody!

You cannot have your arm wrestling meetings here anymore.

Find a dock or a junkyard

or a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Who wants to drink where they work?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

This is discrimination.

-Yeah! -Yeah.

Look, miss, I am extremely pro-lesbian.

(audience groans)

Please be lesbians.

We're not lesbians.

Ooh, swing and a miss.

Actually, I am.

That's the first time I've said that out loud, isn't it?

Wow, that's freeing.

I am just anti-arm wrestling in my dessert bar.

Well, tough ta-tas.

Which happens to be my other nickname.

Go ahead, take a shot.

I'll pass.

MAX: Hold on, um,

is that an open offer on the, uh, ta-ta punch?

Will you at least order some drinks?

Okay, we'll order

12 waters.

Tap.

(laughter)

You guys, please, this is my dream.

And my dream doesn't have soda-stained sweatpants in it.

It's jelly, but whatever.

I'm a reasonable woman.

Yes, that is true.

She's more reasonable than the Big Reba at the train station.

Fine, we'll leave.

If one of you can beat me arm wrestling.

But if neither of you can,

my squad and I stay.

(squad grumbles affirmatively)

Getting real '80s movie up in here.

Huh? Who's it gonna be?

It has to be you, Max. I'm weak,

fragile, beautiful, but approachable.

Ready to get taught a lesson there, Jugsy?

(scoffs) School's in session, Reebs.

But call me Max.

Jugsy is my mother's name.

Do it, Max.

She is gonna take you down

to downtown...

Mmm.

In a car,

made of...

pain.

Maybe just watch.

On my count. One, two, three, wrestle!

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(roars)

(yelling) Oh--oh!

Wrist can't hold! Nothing in the tank!

All the sexting!

Fight, Max! Put your back into it!

My back's shot too.

Haven't you seen my front?

(screams)

(cheering)

We're staying, girls!

Max, what are we gonna do?

I think it's pretty clear.

You're gonna have to arm wrestle Big Reba.

Can't I just marry her?

Come on now, Caroline, you got this.

You've been wrestling with disappointment for years.

And I'm losing.

On my count.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

(screaming)

Ya'll seen the stool?

Han hid it again.

What in the sweet name of Jesus is going on in here?

Earl, I'm trying to motivate Caroline.

Do you remember any of the lines from Rocky?

I'm gonna tell you what I tell three tourists a day.

I am not Carl Weathers.

Max, I'm losing it!

-Help that poor girl. -Uh, Caroline,

look at all these arm wrestling ladies

in your dream dessert bar!

You were aiming for five years of class,

you didn't even get an hour!

(grunting)

Hey, I can't get the carriage in the dessert bar!

The only place it would fit was the car wash.

Hey, what is all this?

Caroline is trying win our bar back,

and I'm trying to inspire her

by pointing out how bad her life is.

And I didn't get a text?

Max, help!

Uh...you haven't had sex in a year!

And I think you know I'm being quite generous there.

(screams)

It's working. She's lonely.

You chased a dollar onto the third rail of the subway,

and you didn't get it!

(screams)

You work as a waitress in a diner!

(roars)

Did you mention the waitress thing?

Yes, I just did, Earl.

Sorry, things are getting to me a little late.

Wait, did--did you tell her that baby Barbara

is gonna get married before she is?

(screams)

Caroline,

six years ago,

you had a billion dollars,

and now-- I'm gonna say it...

Say it!

Old Navy is out of your price range!

(wails)

(cheers and applause)

* *

I haven't heard from Randy.

Oleg's graphic sexts must've freaked him out.

Even Siri covered her eyes after that last one I sent.

You ask Michelangelo to paint,

and then you criticize the painting.

Why are you bringing the Ninja Turtles into this?

I just want to know what to do now.

I completely understand if you don't

want to take love advice from an arm wrestling champion,

but why don't you just say "hi" or "I miss you"?

"Hi, I miss you"?

No "in my pants"?

Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot.

Hey everyb--

(cheers and applause)

Damn it.

Do you need a hand there, Sophie?

No, I got it!

You really don't.

Earl, you can have the stool.

I've had a really hard year,

and I allowed myself this one indulgence.

But, if it's important--

Sweet, I'll take it.

Oof! Cold as ice.

I didn't come here to make friends.

No stool for you.

Hey--hey, why don't we settle this

the 80s movie way and arm muscle for it?

At my age, only thing I can beat is a little girl.

So, yeah.

Bring it on.

This little girl's tougher than she looks.

EARL: You won't be able

to sit on that damn thing after the ass whooping

I'm about to lay on you, Shorty.

Shorty's ass can take a lot, old man!

We don't want to hear about your personal life, Han.

One, two, three, wrestle!

Have they started yet?

When this is over,

I'm gonna be wiped out.

You gonna help me carry my stool back up there?

Here's an idea.

Yeah, you say it, Han!

Burn in hell!

(both straining)

(strained moans)

Remember when I used to make you moan like that?

(moaning)

You really turn me on.

(various strained moans)

Barbara, you stay with your daddy.

He's a very sexy man.

Randy texted me back "I miss you."

Aw, that's so sweet.

Oh! In his pants!

(grunts) Damn, Han,

I didn't realize bad breath was your secret weapon.

(cheers and applause)

Stool me, Shorty.

Who am I wrestling for the hemorrhoid doughnut?

* *

(cash register bell dings)

(upbeat rock music)

*