All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls S06E03 1080p Amazon WEBRip DD+ 5 1 x264-TrollHD_track3_[und]

(upbeat rock music)

What the hell are we doing
here on a Tuesday afternoon?

The only customer
we've had was Earl

when he forgot he works here
and ordered lunch.

First of all, you're forgetting
the pack of dogs

that wandered in,
had an orgy, and left.

Probably easy for me
to forget 'cause

I wasn't the one
they tried to have sex with.

And we still have to work here
because our dessert bar's

only been open a week;
we need income.

(sighs) I don't like
working in the daytime.

You can see freaky things
in this light.

Look, there's an ant
carrying a stool.

Look, there's
a waitress carrying nothing.

Wow, Han,
you have new-stool money?

Are you in Forbes'
"40 Under 4 Feet?"

I didn't buy this.
Lady Luck threw me a bone.

I'm sure she hated herself
in the morning.

A beloved old man in
my building passed away,

and after the neighbors
paid our solemn respects,

we cleaned the dump out.

Han, that is so disrespectful.

We didn't get a text?

Ooh, I forgot my sweet
hemorrhoid doughnut I scored.

You don't need hemorrhoids
to enjoy it.

Hemorrhoid doughnut.

All of the comfort
and none of the calories.

Ooh!
A new stool.

2005 is shaping up
to be a great year.

That's Han's stool.

Well, Han's stool just bought
a one-way ticket

to Earl's butt.

This the saddest episode of
Game of Thrones

I've ever seen.

Still, I'm rooting
for the dwarf.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Tonight, we are hitting the
chic-est spot in Williamsburg

to poach their chic-est patrons.

If we start out
with a cool clientele,

models, gays,

rich guys that want to have sex
with models and gays,

we'll be an in-spot
for at least five years.

Were you talking to me
that whole time?

Who else would
I be talking to?

You're the only one here.

-(giggles)
-Oh.

That was a Randy giggle.

And that's Randy's penis.

Not all of it.
It's a pretty small screen.

Yeah, we decided to continue
our nonexclusive,

long-distance,
sexting thing.

Is that the Oxford English
Dictionary definition?

If Oxford likes to get naked
and squat over a phone.

But your girl's running out
of sexting ideas.

There's only four emojis
that look like penises.

Five if you count
the corn on the cob.

Don't ruin the corn
on the cob for me.

I use that for barbecues
and farmers markets.

That's what you were
talking about?

I've just been adding
"in my pants" to everything.

Example:

"What do you think about
climate change

in my pants?"

Come on, I need you
focused tonight.

No more sexting.

Just put it away and
tell him to do the same.

All right, let me just find
the eggplant emoji

and, of course, the pants.

(knocking)

Hey, girls.

(cheers and applause)

Oh, do you need
a hand there, Soph--

I can do it!

Sophie, why the enormous
old-timey stroller?

There better be
a cartoon baby

dressed like Al Capone
in that thing.

Hey, girls,

can Barbara and me
stay down here tonight?

Oleg and I can't have sex
for two more weeks

and it's just getting
too steamy up there.

So, that explains
the heavy panting

we're hearing through
our ceiling, our walls, and

most disturbing of all,
our drain.

I gotta pee.

I gotta go all the time now.

You know, that's
something that you girls

need to know about me.

Any time that we talk,

I'm peeing a little bit.

Uh--yeah.

Oh.

There's daddy's
little jock block.

(sighs) I tried to release my
sexual frustration creatively,

but my erotic poetry

was rejected by
National Pornographic

for being, quote,
"just disgusting."

My sexts are so lame.

Why can't I be disgusting?

There's a burrito stuck
to the side of your dresser.

You're there.

"Can't wait for you
to put your butt

"on top of...my butt

in my pants"?

Jeez, thanks for the nice break
from being horny.

I am not proud of
how not slutty it is.

Now, give me back my phone.
It hasn't had its shots.

-Sent.
-What?

"Your testicles are
two glistening Cadbury Eggs,

and Mama's got a sweet tooth."

This mama's got puke
in her mouth.

I cannot believe you'd send
something so disgusting.

You are dead to m--
(text swoosh)

(gasps)
He likes it!

You want to turn a man on?

Heh, you call Oleg.

(strained moans)

I hope it doesn't
make you too jealous, but

I was just
sexting with Randy.

Yeah?

-Yeah?
-Oh...

(strained moans)

Caroline, get the hose.

* *

Okay, now remember,
we're targeting models, gays,

and upwardly mobile millennials
with discretionary income.

Basically anyone
better than us.

Were you talking to me
that whole time?

And yes, I was talking
to you that whole time.

IDs, please?

You know they don't
force you to use

the first picture they take.

I'm eating a pickle in mine.

I think you look great.

Hi, I'm Jake.

Hi, Jake.

ID, Jake?

He's about 27,

lots of discresh income?

27 exactly.

Guess my weight
and I'll buy you a drink.

So, um, how do you maintain
such a dork-less clientele?

I need to know 'cause I have
a roommate situation.

Watch and learn, pickles.

Oh, sweet,

I found Carmen Sandiego.

I don't know where in the world
you're going, buddy,

but it ain't in here.

(both laugh)

Oh, you got this.

But do not let the guy
in the overalls

get out of here without me
calling him "Farmer Yawn."

Max, I am killing it.

Jake, you've met.

Nahani and Ariel are models.
They can eat whatever they want.

* Hate them

And then, this is Tad

and Jameson, they're gay.

I perform reenactments

of the life and tragic death
of Amy Winehouse with Barbies.

I work at Staples.

Oh, power couple.

None of New York's elite
are here, besides me.

I guess I'm not going backstage
at Barbie Winehouse.

You tried to make them
come to this bar

and they said, "No, no, no."

(gasps)
My gay guys at 12:00.

I spoke too soon.

And you spat a little.

Tad!
Jameson!

Welcome to the
M and C Dessert Bar.

No, you're not dreaming!

If they were,
we'd be shirtless dudes.

This place is fabulous.

Can I have one of these
cookie dough-tinis?

It's my cheat night,

that's why I'm with him.

(jovial commotion)

Hmm, not sure
who these gals are.

Max, did you talk about
this place at Pep Boys?

I told Manny and Moe,
but I didn't say a word to Jack.

Oh, Tad.
Let me get you another one.

It's fine, it's fine.

-It is?
-No.

That's gay for "we're leaving."

They chased off
my hot gay guys.

I don't want to be rude here,

but who invited
these horrible women?

Charlene's in the house!

(cheering)

And there it is.
Damn it, Max.

Why did you invite
your bouncer buddy

when you know I'm trying
to cultivate a vibe?

I didn't invite her.

And I did not think
she'd be wearing gym shorts

and a SUNY Albany sweatshirt.

Hey, I know you guys
were trying

to get the cool crowd in here,

so, you know,

boom!

And where are they?
The cool people?

All right.
Take it easy.

Maybe they are cool.

Is that one eating a PB and J?

All right!

Who wants to take on
Big Reba?

Take on how?

Max, you speak Goon.

How?
How--how?

Not fluently.

I only lived in Goon
for a semester.

You're on.

On how?

How--how?

CAROLINE:
Oh good, they brought rope.

I hope they brought
some for me too.

And they did not
bring deodorant.

Ladies, what is this

and how can we
make it stop?

You got a front row seat
to New York City's elite

underground ladies'
arm wrestling.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

(all shouting)

Oh, my God.

I own an arm wrestling bar.

No, you don't.

We own an arm wrestling bar!

(screaming)

* *

I hope you're texting Charlene
and the rest of

her WWE Raw crowd
to never come back to our bar.

Uh, you were sobbing
and begging them to stop.

I think she got the message.

I don't know
if she was listening.

She was carrying Big Reba
around on her shoulders.

This is pitiful.

I just sexted Randy
a picture of a penguin.

I don't even think
penguins are that sexy!

Oh, my God.
Everything is turning me on.

I just walked in on
an elderly lady in the bathroom

and almost lost my mind.

What were you doing
in the ladies' room?

All right, fine,
it was a man.

Yeah, we all have problems.

I have sexter's block.

Want me to take a stab at it?

See, that's already better
than anything I have.

Just write it down.
I don't want

your fingerprints
on my phone.

You think I still
have fingerprints?

Oh, my God.

Are you really gonna
have sext with Oleg?

I don't know why
you think I'm above this.

Out of the way.
Earl's looking for me.

And as soon as he realizes
he's outside,

I'm in big trouble.

Can you unfollow a person
in real life?

Where would he least
expect me to hide this?

Up high?

"Shorty wouldn't go high,"
Earl would say.

Oh, won't I, Earl?

Han, you're talking
to yourself.

And why don't you just
buy another stool?

Earl wants this one.

And for once in his life, he's
not gonna get what he wants!

I'll just keep it under here
till he forgets about it.

Which should be
in about an hour.

Yesterday I caught him
putting pennies on his sandwich.

Hide and seek, old timer.

I don't know
how it's possible,

but he's getting weirder.

Those wrestlers won't be back
tonight, right, Max?

Right, God?
Are you there, God?

It's me, Caroline,
the one you forgot about?

Where'd that turd
hide my stool?

Thanks, y'all.

I knew Shorty wouldn't go high.

Oleg, how you
doing over there?

You're gonna need
a bigger data plan.

* *

(commotion)

Max, it's been
two nights in a row.

If we don't
nip this in the bud,

we're both gonna be lady
arm wrestlers' girlfriends.

You're not exactly thriving

not being a lady
arm wrestler's girlfriend.

And I don't see
what the problem is.

They're paying customers.

They're drinking beer.

From a helmet
they brought with them.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't go, don't go.
Please, please, sir.

Well, the last of our vibe
is leaving.

Pretty sure all these
ladies have vibes.

Guessing vintage plug-ins.

That's it.
Everybody!

Everybody!

You cannot have your arm
wrestling meetings here anymore.

Find a dock or a junkyard

or a Buffalo Wild Wings.

Who wants to drink
where they work?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

This is discrimination.

-Yeah!
-Yeah.

Look, miss,
I am extremely pro-lesbian.

(audience groans)

Please be lesbians.

We're not lesbians.

Ooh, swing and a miss.

Actually, I am.

That's the first time I've said
that out loud, isn't it?

Wow, that's freeing.

I am just anti-arm wrestling
in my dessert bar.

Well, tough ta-tas.

Which happens to be
my other nickname.

Go ahead, take a shot.

I'll pass.

MAX: Hold on, um,

is that an open offer
on the, uh, ta-ta punch?

Will you at least
order some drinks?

Okay, we'll order

12 waters.

Tap.

(laughter)

You guys, please,
this is my dream.

And my dream doesn't have
soda-stained sweatpants in it.

It's jelly, but whatever.

I'm a reasonable woman.

Yes, that is true.

She's more reasonable than the
Big Reba at the train station.

Fine, we'll leave.

If one of you can
beat me arm wrestling.

But if neither of you can,

my squad and I stay.

(squad grumbles affirmatively)

Getting real '80s movie
up in here.

Huh?
Who's it gonna be?

It has to be you, Max.
I'm weak,

fragile, beautiful,
but approachable.

Ready to get taught
a lesson there, Jugsy?

(scoffs)
School's in session, Reebs.

But call me Max.

Jugsy is my mother's name.

Do it, Max.

She is gonna take you down

to downtown...

Mmm.

In a car,

made of...

pain.

Maybe just watch.

On my count.
One, two, three, wrestle!

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(roars)

(yelling)
Oh--oh!

Wrist can't hold!
Nothing in the tank!

All the sexting!

Fight, Max!
Put your back into it!

My back's shot too.

Haven't you seen my front?

(screams)

(cheering)

We're staying, girls!

Max, what are we gonna do?

I think it's pretty clear.

You're gonna have to
arm wrestle Big Reba.

Can't I just marry her?

Come on now, Caroline,
you got this.

You've been wrestling
with disappointment for years.

And I'm losing.

On my count.

One, two, three,

wrestle!

(screaming)

Ya'll seen the stool?

Han hid it again.

What in the sweet name of Jesus
is going on in here?

Earl, I'm trying
to motivate Caroline.

Do you remember any
of the lines from Rocky?

I'm gonna tell you what
I tell three tourists a day.

I am not Carl Weathers.

Max, I'm losing it!

-Help that poor girl.
-Uh, Caroline,

look at all these
arm wrestling ladies

in your dream dessert bar!

You were aiming
for five years of class,

you didn't even get
an hour!

(grunting)

Hey, I can't get the carriage
in the dessert bar!

The only place it would fit
was the car wash.

Hey, what is all this?

Caroline is trying win
our bar back,

and I'm trying to inspire her

by pointing out
how bad her life is.

And I didn't get a text?

Max, help!

Uh...you haven't had sex
in a year!

And I think you know
I'm being quite generous there.

(screams)

It's working.
She's lonely.

You chased a dollar onto
the third rail of the subway,

and you didn't get it!

(screams)

You work as a waitress
in a diner!

(roars)

Did you mention
the waitress thing?

Yes, I just did, Earl.

Sorry, things are getting
to me a little late.

Wait, did--did you tell her
that baby Barbara

is gonna get married
before she is?

(screams)

Caroline,

six years ago,

you had a billion dollars,

and now--
I'm gonna say it...

Say it!

Old Navy is out
of your price range!

(wails)

(cheers and applause)

* *

I haven't heard from Randy.

Oleg's graphic sexts
must've freaked him out.

Even Siri covered her eyes
after that last one I sent.

You ask Michelangelo
to paint,

and then you criticize
the painting.

Why are you bringing
the Ninja Turtles into this?

I just want to know
what to do now.

I completely understand
if you don't

want to take love advice
from an arm wrestling champion,

but why don't you just say
"hi" or "I miss you"?

"Hi, I miss you"?

No "in my pants"?

Okay, fine.
I'll give it a shot.

Hey everyb--

(cheers and applause)

Damn it.

Do you need
a hand there, Sophie?

No, I got it!

You really don't.

Earl, you can have the stool.

I've had a really hard year,

and I allowed myself
this one indulgence.

But, if it's important--

Sweet, I'll take it.

Oof!
Cold as ice.

I didn't come here
to make friends.

No stool for you.

Hey--hey,
why don't we settle this

the 80s movie way
and arm muscle for it?

At my age, only thing
I can beat is a little girl.

So, yeah.

Bring it on.

This little girl's
tougher than she looks.

EARL: You won't be able

to sit on that damn thing
after the ass whooping

I'm about to lay on you,
Shorty.

Shorty's ass can take
a lot, old man!

We don't want to hear about
your personal life, Han.

One, two, three, wrestle!

Have they started yet?

When this is over,

I'm gonna be wiped out.

You gonna help me carry
my stool back up there?

Here's an idea.

Yeah, you say it, Han!

Burn in hell!

(both straining)

(strained moans)

Remember when I used to
make you moan like that?

(moaning)

You really turn me on.

(various strained moans)

Barbara, you stay
with your daddy.

He's a very sexy man.

Randy texted me back
"I miss you."

Aw, that's so sweet.

Oh!
In his pants!

(grunts)
Damn, Han,

I didn't realize bad breath
was your secret weapon.

(cheers and applause)

Stool me, Shorty.

Who am I wrestling for
the hemorrhoid doughnut?

* *

(cash register bell dings)

(upbeat rock music)

*