Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

Uh, listen, the auction

that I'm going to is an art auction.

Would you, uh, like to join me?

I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean that as a come-on.

No, that's not true. I did mean that as a come-on.

Oh. Would you?

Oh, I don't know.

I... I couldn't date a guy that I didn't know.

What's your name anyway? Mike Beldon.

It's certainly good to know you, Mike Beldon.

Mike Beldon, Mike Beldon...

It's like, you know, here we are,

sharing the same experiences and the same interests.

Sort of, maybe, feeling a little attracted to each other.

Maybe a little.

Maybe a lot?

Maybe a lot.

(chuckles): Good.

So we got divorced.

I wanted kids, she didn't.

Uh, simple as that.

I don't know, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned,

but, uh, I still believe in families.

Would you spend the night with me tonight?

(long sigh)

I can't.

(sighs)

Kiss, we can do.

What was that question again?

(both chuckling)

Oh, you're sure gonna get remembered, fella.

Uh, hey, listen, I owe you some money here.

Mm, that's right.

Thanks.

Here, take this.

A hundred dollars?! No, no, please take it.

Oh, Mike, I can't. No, please.

I, I'd feel like a call girl.

You didn't do anything.

I'd feel like a bad call girl.

But I want you to have it.

I mean, think of it as a-a down payment

on your art gallery. You deserve it.

Oh. It's the best cab ride I ever had.

Oh, oh, this is some tip.

What would you have given me if I had stayed the night?

A very sweet memory.

LOUIE (over radio): You're better off with the hundred.

Louie! Oh! Louie!

Oh! I don't believe this!

Louie!

Louie, I'd like you to meet Zena Sherman.

Zena, Louie De Palma.

Zena wanted to meet you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I think maybe you'll, uh...

like each other?

Oh.

How do you do?

Hi.

(grunts)

Sorry I'm late.

(laughs)

But Zena and I had another one of those nights.

I didn't even have time to change.

You'll have to excuse my attire.

She ripped the shirt off my back.

I got nothing. Alex,

I thought at least you would be interested

in the intimate details.

After all, you are kind of responsible.

(cackles)

I don't want you to do that anymore.

Do what? (cackling)

I don't do that. Yes, you do.

You do it almost continuously.

I don't. Yes, you do.

You do it every time you mention Zena.

(cackling) You just did it.

All right, we've been seeing each other

for five weeks and, uh, being normal,

healthy adults, it's natural

we'd have some physical involvement.

Yeah.

So why haven't we?

I mean, you know Louie.

What is it? Why won't he touch me?

You mean he hasn't touched you?

I can't even get him to hold my hand.

(snickers)

Oh, Zena's not your first girl,

she's your first nice girl.

Yeah! Mm-hmm.

And I can't handle it.

I'm, I was brought up believing

that there was nice girls and girls you had fun with.

And there was no mixing of the two.

I like Zena.

I really do.

But I can't even bring myself to kiss her.

Well, there's only one thing you can do, Louie.

Break up with this lovely, warm person,

who obviously feels a great deal for you,

and spend the rest of your life floating through

meaningless affairs with cheap strangers,

who you'll have to pay to satisfy

your disgusting, physical lust.

Great advice.

Zena, I'm going to be straight with you.

We're splitting up.

Good-bye.

Why?

You really want to drag this out, don't you?

I just want to know why.

"Why?"

There's someone else.

Oh, I see.

Who?

"Who?"

Donna Summer.

We had a little spat before I met you.

I couldn't take the pressure of the racial thing.

And besides, she's always shaking it in front of other guys.

It got to me. I told her,

"I don't want you moaning on records anymore."

This morning, she gave me a call.

We reconciled... Stop it, Louie!

Just don't make up stories.

I think I deserve better than that.

I know what it is.

You think I'm too good for you.

Eh, are you crazy?

It's just that you're too good, period.

I'm used to another kind of woman.

You're so nice.

I can't ever even think of...

relating to you in a nonverbal manner.

Oh, I see.

Louie, you know,

when people like each other a lot,

they should be able to work things out.

I'm willing to try.

I'm nuts about you, Louie.

Well, you, you hock at me all the time, right?

I mean, let me ask you a question.

Why are you nuts about me?

To tell you the truth, I've been asking myself that question.

My friends have been asking me that question,

my parents, the doorman's been asking me that question.

I don't know what to tell them.

But I know what to tell you.

You touch me.

Holy crap.

You know, all those nights

when you left me at my doorstep,

I'd go into my bedroom and cry.

Take me to the place you cry.

ZENA: What's going on?

I can't go in there, Zena!

Oh! Let me out! (pounding on door)

Let me out!

No, I'm sorry.

(banging)

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, but this is really the end!

Okay, Louie!

All right.

Louie, would you just do me one last favor?

What's that?

How about a good-bye kiss?

(grumbles)

Women.

It would mean a lot to me.

(muttering): "It would mean a lot to me."

All right.

Well, so long.

(moans)

You can go now, Louie.

That's easy for you to say.

(chuckles)

Louie?

Yeah?

(cackles)

I have dreams, dreams that come true.

So what was your dream about Alex?

Uh, i-it, it was horrible.

It's going to happen to you

Thursday night at your apartment.

You'll be with a friend.

I couldn't make out who.

You'll drink a glass of water very quickly.

Somebody is going to mistake you for a girl.

You'll do the cancan in a green shirt,

wearing a catcher's mask,

and then comes the crazy part.

Oh?

There'll be a knock at the door.

You'll go to the door.

You'll open it...

And what? What, what, what?

What happens?

That's the end.

The end of the dream or the end of me?

Both.

Reiger, the dream's coming true.

You're here in your apartment,

it's Thursday night, it's almost 7:00.

All right, look... (laughs) All right...

I admit your life is nothing to jump up and down about,

but it must mean something to you.

Oh, and you think

all those other things will come true, huh?

Like drinking a glass of water quickly,

being mistaken for a girl,

dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask?

Oh, and at 7:00,

precisely at 7:00, there's a knock at the door.

And who's on the other side?

Death is on the...

(coughing): Death... Excuse me.

(coughing)

(clears throat)

(coughing): That's the silliest thing I ever heard.

Aha!

Aha!

Aha-ha!

Reiger!

Reiger, what do you say now?!

Look what time it is.

Let's get the hell out of here!

Louie! Come on!

Out, out, out! I'm not leaving here!

Out, get out! I'm staying here tonight!

I'm staying right here.

I have no intention of going...

(phone ringing)

Hello.

No, this is not Mary.

Do I sound like a Mary?

You have the wrong number.

Louie, why don't you ju...?

(whimpers)

Mary?!

It's happening!

It's happening! It's happening!

Come on, out. Louie, Louie...

Out of here, Reiger. No, no, no, no, no!

Louie, no, Louie, no, Louie... Get out, get out.

No! Get out!

I am not going to leave this apartment.

If I walk through that door,

I am violating everything I believe in.

I'm giving up the control of my own life!

The hell with that!

I'm going to live my future!

I'm not going to be afraid of it.

Reiger, will you cut the Joan of Arc stuff?

And don't tempt fate!

Tempt fate, Louie?

No, I'm not going to tempt fate.

I'm gonna beg fate!

No, not green! Yeah.

Reiger, not green!

No, no, no, no, Reiger.

Reiger, Reiger... Yeah!

Don't do this, Reiger.

Louie, if I'm going to die, I'm going to die as I lived,

dancing the cancan in a green shirt and a catcher's mask. No, no, no, no,

don't... don't lift those feet.

(humming cancan) Don't... Reiger.

Reiger, don't do this.

No, no, Reiger.

It's coming true! (whooping)

(clock chimes seven times)

(muttering)

(whimpers)

Louie... I didn't die.

(chuckles)

(laughing)

Ignatowski's a boob.

Nice cancan.

(chuckling): Thank you.

(laughing)

Now, listen, Louie... Repeat after me.

Superstitions are... (slow banging on door)

Now you did it! I almost apologized!

Don't you dare!

Don't go near that door!

Reiger, get away from this door.

Louie, I have to see what's on the other side of that door.

No, death is on the other side of this door.

I don't care; I want to see it. No.

Louie, get away from the door. No.

Get away from the door, Lou. No.

No, Reiger. Louie!

No, no, Reiger. Get away...

No, no. Louie, get away from the door!

(screaming)

(screams)

(both screaming)

Reiger, did you see it? It was hideous!

BOBBY: Hey, uh, come on, Elaine.

You're trying to get everybody else

to talk about their fantasies.

Why don't you tell us one of yours?

Yeah. Oh, forget it.

I mean, if, uh, nobody else

is going to talk about it, why should I?

Yeah, you're right.

No point. Let's forget it.

But if I were to tell you my fantasy,

it would knock you out.

(Bobby groans, Alex sighs)

Anybody got any ideas about what we can do?

Let's play another hand of poker.

We always play cards.

We play cards every day.

That's all we do is play cards.

Play cards.

♪ Come on along and listen to ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The hip hooray and ballyhoo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The rumble of a subway train ♪

♪ The rattle of the taxis ♪

♪ The daffodils who entertain ♪

♪ At Angelo's and Maxie's ♪

♪ When a Broadway baby says good night ♪

♪ It's early in the morning ♪

♪ Manhattan babies ♪

♪ Don't sleep tight ♪

♪ Until the dawn... ♪

Elaine, we're trying to play cards here.

Come on!

Buzz off.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ The milkman's on his way ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

♪ Hey, come on along ♪ Hey!

♪ And listen to ♪

ALL: ♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪

♪ The hi-de-hi and poop-a-doo ♪

♪ The lullaby of Broadway ♪ Then he begins to go to town.

♪ Then he begins to go to town ♪ Sway!

And everyone goes crazy.

♪ And everyone goes crazy ♪

♪ You rock-a-bye your baby round ♪

♪ Till everything gets hazy ♪

♪ Hush-a-bye, I'll buy you this and that ♪ (bell dings)

♪ You hear her daddy saying ♪

♪ Then baby goes home to her flat ♪

♪ To sleep all day ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Baby ♪

Bounce! ♪ Good night ♪

♪ The milkman's on his way ♪

Kick! ♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Sleep tight ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

Hey!

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ Of old Broadway! ♪

(musical interlude)

♪ ♪

♪ Let's call it a day ♪

♪ Listen to the lullaby ♪

♪ Of old... ♪

♪ Broadway! ♪

LOUIE (over P.A.): All right, we got a lot of cabs here!

Let's hit the streets.

Banta, 472.

Nardo, 218.

Latka, get your butt to work.

Iggy, 714.

Reiger, 421.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)