Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Danny De Vito.

We've just completed filming five years of Taxi

and NBC thought it was time to celebrate.

So, we put together scenes from our best shows.

Now, if you've been watching Taxi for the past five years,

you're in for some great memories.

And if you haven't,

(muttering): you dirty miserable...

Come on in here.

(theme song playing)

(loud whirring)

Excuse me, um, my name's Elaine Nardo.

They told me to ask for Louie.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm Louie De Palma. Oh, hi.

I hope there's no trouble.

If there is, I'll be glad to help in any way I can.

Oh, no, no, it's just that they told me

I'd be starting work today as a driver.

Oh, here's my hack license.

You're a cabdriver? Uh-huh.

What do you mean busting my chops here,

making believe you're a regular person.

Go wait over there!

I'll call your name and number!

Till then, keep your mouth shut!

What's wrong?

Don't they feed you in there?

Whoo.

Whoo, whoo.

Oh, you mustn't be too upset with Louie, Miss.

He's really a very nice guy.

He'll give you the scales off his back.

Well, I don't have to worry too much about him.

I'm only gonna be working here part-time.

Oh. Yeah, I have this other job,

Oh... where I work as...

Yeah, yeah, I know. We're all part-time here.

I'm part-time.

I only work 60 hours a week.

No, really, I really work as a receptionist at an art gallery.

Oh, yeah? No, I, I'm not really a taxi driver.

No, no, I understand.

You see that guy over there? Now he's an actor.

The guy on the phone? He's a prizefighter.

This lady over here? She's a beautician.

The man behind her? He's a writer.

Me? I'm a cabdriver.

I'm the only cabdriver in this place.

Why is everyone here just a little angry?

Okay, we got a lot of cabs here!

Reiger, 214.

Banta, 83-67.

Nardo, 15-32.

Wheeler, 999.

Gravas! Fix the horn on...

Jim, please don't be offended by what I'm about to say,

but don't you ever feel like you're wasting your life?

Me? No, no.

I have function in life.

I-I stand for something.

Not everybody stands for something, but I do.

I am the living embodiment of the '60s.

Everything that came along, I went with,

even if I didn't know what it was, I went with it.

I marched in protest against that crummy war.

Is that so?

Pardon me?

Hey, hey, hey, Tony.

No, I got something to say, Alex.

You know, the only reason why guys like you got to stay home

protesting and getting loaded is because guys like me

were over in Nam doing your fighting for you.

What do you say to that?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Take it easy, old man, and...

Good night. Hey, guys.

Let's get him a job.

Yeah, let's do that.

Doing what?

Are you kidding?

What kind of training could he possibly have?

None.

What kind of skills could we possibly have?

None.

What kind of job could we possibly get him?

ALL: Cabdriver.

BOBBY: Here, let me help you out, okay?

"Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness,

"hallucinations, dizzy spells, convulsive disorders,

fainting or periods of loss of memory"?

Hasn't everyone?

Put "no."

Uh... "Mental illness or narcotic addiction?"

That's a tough choice.

No.

Just put "no."

Okay, that's it.

You're ready for the test.

I thought this was the test!

No, no, no, this is the application.

Oh, man!

Psst.

What does a yellow light mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

(slowly): What... does... a...

yellow... light... mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

(slower): What... does... a...

yellow... light... mean?

Slow down!

(slower): What...

does...

a...

yellow... light... mean?

It doesn't get any better.

Hi.

I'm-I'm Alex.

You blew it. You could've said

you were looking for another apartment.

No, I was looking for this one... 3-D.

It fell off when I knocked... on the door.

Well, my admirers will just have to wander the halls

looking for me. Um...

I hate to disappoint you, but I'm Angela.

Oh, here... Here's your "D."

You want to come in?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

You got guts.

Hey, Elaine, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

I-I don't want any advice. I just want to talk.

Go ahead.

I can't stop thinking about that girl.

You know, you're a terrific guy.

That's not what I want to hear.

Which just goes to show you how terrific you are.

All night long, she kept accusing me of going through the motions.

That, uh, I wouldn't call her again because of her looks.

And I kept telling her she was wrong.

Terrific.

But she wasn't wrong.

Oh, Alex, you, too? No.

Hey, listen, what I can't figure out is that,

that hour I had with her on the phone

was one of the greatest conversations I've ever had.

A witty, bright, sensitive girl

who came to the door disappeared.

What happened to her?

Maybe Angela ate her.

It wasn't just her looks.

She was also the bitterest,

surliest, most depressing person I ever met.

So how come I feel like I have to go see her again?

So, what's on your mind?

Well, I, uh... I don't really know.

I, uh...

I guess I would sort of like to get to know you better.

Why?

Why not?

Well, you might not know to look at me,

but, um, I'm not exactly beautiful

or, uh, even good-looking.

I'm not quite plain.

Now feel free to jump in and stop me anytime.

Hey, come on.

I'm no Robert Redford, you know.

I wouldn't mind looking like you if I was a man.

Would you want to look like me?

It wouldn't be so bad.

I'd, you know, kind of fix up my hair

and, uh, I'd do that sort of stuff with makeup

and, uh, I'd go to a gym and, uh, I'd work on myself.

I mean, that's what I would do.

I mean, not that I'm saying that you should do anything.

That's just what I would do.

Okay, uh, let's say I did all the hairdo and makeup

and everything, dropped ten or 70 pounds...

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Yeah, sure, why not?

In a romantic sort of way?

You don't have to answer. You could just nod.

(nervous chuckle)

Hey, look, uh, I'm not, uh,

I haven't been romantically involved in eight years

and I'm not about to break my streak right now.

Hey, look, we-we, uh,

we did have fun talking on the phone

the other day, didn't we?

I mean, that was sort of special.

Hey, look, I'm... I swear,

I'm not that, uh, comfortable with that many people.

I just think that we could get to be friends.

I can't believe you came all the way back here

just because you forgot to give me

the "let's be friends" speech.

Hey, can we drop that?

I just think I'd like to get to know you better, that's all.

You want me to open up?

Would that make you happy?

Make you feel like you did your good deed for the day?

Okay. Okay.

But then you better plan on sticking around.

'Cause I'm not standing here alone

with my insides on the floor while, uh, you walk out

feeling you did the poor fat girl some big favor

by helping her get in touch with her feelings.

You want to be a hero?

Then be prepared to stick around for the rest of the war, okay?

Maybe I will.

But can we start slower?

Like where we went to high school?

And then we'll work up to your insides on the floor.

Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.

Huh?

(laughing)

Well, listen, you don't mind if I get a little clear on, uh,

what we're trying to establish here?

Wouldn't make you nuts, would it?

No, it would not make me nuts.

Uh... So, uh... So what it is, is-is...

I could call you whenever I feel like it?

If I need advice, I could call you?

Yeah.

Uh, if you need advice, you could call me?

Yep.

If we have something interesting happening,

we could call each other?

Yeah.

We could call just to shoot the breeze?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or, uh... if I just need a hug?

Oh, you know how long it's been since I cried?

No.

A half an hour.

MAN: Conskufflement.

You are now husband and wife.

All right!

(cheering)

Is nothing personal. I am a married man.

It's a very simple choice, Latka.

Either you have sex with me or you freeze to death.

Sex. Death.

Sex. Death.

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Oh, Simka, hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, you see, because Latka has had sex

with someone he works with,

our priest has said

that I also must have sex with someone he works with

if we wish to remain married.

And we decided that the last man to enter the dinner party

would be the one.

And, as you know, you were tardy.

May I come in?

Yeah, I-I don't think I understand any of this,

but come in.

I suppose you want to have someone to talk to, right?

Talk is cheap. I want your body.

(chuckles anxiously)

You're not serious, are you?

It won't take long.

I know you have to go to work soon.

I just want to have sex with you and then I'll run along.

No, no, no, stop that!

Stop it... Stop it right now. Stop it!

Alex, if you do not help us,

Latka and I must circle each other once

and complete the ancient divorce ritual,

and I will do anything to keep that from happening.

See? Smooth, milky white. Yours.

Simka, Simka, no... stop that.

That's barbaric, you know that?

Are you telling me that in that religion of yours

that, uh, two wrongs actually make a right?

"In that religion of yours"?

Do you mock us?

Do I mock you because you do not eat animals with cloven hooves

unless they chew their cud? No!

Your people knew that it was unhealthy.

Please, Simka.

But our people know that you cannot have intimacy again

without knowing the pain of infidelity

that the other one went through.

Ours, like yours, is a profound tradition

of tolerance, brotherhood and faith.

Now, peel me like a grape, so I can get out of here!

I must take one last look at you as my wife.

Simka... you will always have my heart.

I don't need it without you.

I will miss you.

I will miss your touch.

Are they unhappy?

It's because they got divorced?

Yeah.

Why don't they just get married again?

It's not that simple, Jim.

You think they'd go through this kind of hell

if they could just marry again?

We must seek the Reverend Gorky right away!

Jim, thank you.

(smooching)

Thank you very much.

Let's try to make it work this time.

Well, sit down, tell me about it. Come on.

See... I'm in a tough spot.

I really like Elaine.

You son of a gun, you!

Tony, the problem is I like somebody else, too.

Oh. Somebody else?

Well, man, that's a problem.

It is a problem, Tony. I feel bad about it.

Oh...

I honestly never meant to get involved with Elaine.

Oh...

You remember the night I came up to you two at the bar?

I said, "Are you two together?"

Yeah. I told you we weren't.

(sighs)

Well, she wasn't the one I was after, Tony.

Oh, no?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

He wants to date me.

No.

Yeah.

No, you must have misinterpreted what he meant.

Well, he said my simplicity was engaging

and that we'd be wonderful together.

Oh, no.

Well, see, now the point is here, Alex,

that this could go rough on Elaine.

I mean, if she's getting serious about him, she should know.

So, should I tell 'em?

No, I say he ought to tell her.

Someone's got to talk to Kirk and set him straight...

as it were.

Thanks, Alex. Let me know how it turns out.

No, no, no, no. I'm not going to do it.

For once in my life, I am not going

to let this thing get dumped in my lap.

You tell him.

All right. I know it's my job,

but do you think you could come along with me?

I mean, you don't have to say nothing.

Oh, Tony...

All you got to do is sit there and be a buddy.

Come on, Alex, please, please, please, please.

All right, all right, all right.

I don't understand.

Why can't you do this by yourself?

I can't be alone with him.

I'm the one he spends tortured nights dreaming about.

He said that?

No, I'm just assuming.

This is a gay bar, isn't it?

Yeah, sure.

This your first time here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sorry, I, uh...

I didn't mean by saying "yes" so quickly

that I thought it'd be terrible if I'd been here before.

Because, well, actually, it would not have been terrible

if I had been here before.

You know, I-I've been meaning to.

Just out of curiosity, of course.

No, I don't mean you're a curiosity, but, I mean, I...

Let's not chat anymore.

I used to be such a good chatter, you know?

(chuckles)

Look, uh, Kirk, I-I have a really terrible,

uh, difficult thing to talk to you about,

and I-I don't even know how to start.

Alex, I think I can guess what you're trying to tell me.

You can?

But I've already told Elaine that I'm bisexual.

Shh!

Oh, okay. It's okay here.

I'm sorry.

Anyway...

we're still friends and we had a fine talk.

Oh, and by the way,

I understand that Tony's not interested and that's okay, too.

Oh, wow.

Can we have a couple of beers?

Sure.

Hey, chief, can we get a couple beers?

Well, I thought this was going to be difficult,

but instead it's a snap.

Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Excuse me. Would you like to dance?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just having a beer with a pal.

Thanks. Come on.

Don't be shy.

No, no, no, I really can't.

(disco dance music plays)

It's okay with me.

Whoa!

I-I'll just...

Good step.

Duck! What?

Thanks, pal. Thank you very much.

Yeah, one, two, three, ha!

One, two, three, go!

One, two, three, step!

One, two, three, dance!

One, two, three, dance!

(dance music continues)

(all cheering and whooping)

(all shouting encouragement)

(cheering, whooping)

(rhythmic clapping)

(cheering and dance music continue)

Alex, Elaine's heart is getting broken

and you're having a great time here, dancing.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)