All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S13E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]

ARTEMIS:
I'm confused. Wade who?

Wade Boggs.
He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy

who drank 70 beers
on a cross-country flight.

We're gonna beat that record.

That's why I booked us
these tickets.

Uh, I thought we were
flying to Los Angeles

for the Women's March.

Mm-hmm. You are correct that
this is an all-female flight

on the way to
the Women's March... [burps]

...but I don't give a shit
about that.

It's about the Boggs thing.

I didn't know it was
an all-female flight.

That feels dangerous.

What are you...
no, hey! Come on!

-Oh!
-Can't smoke on an airplane.

-Goddamn, when's
the last time you flew?
-[grunts]

Yeah, I don't get it.
You already did this.

Shouldn't we do our own thing?
Why are we copying the guys?

No, that's the whole point.

It's the same exact thing,
but it's with women.

Right? So it's a new idea.

Okay, I just feel that
if it's all with women,

-then it should be better.
-Why can't we just
do the same thing?

Because if we do the same thing
then why are we doing it at all?

Yeah, I got to say
I agree with that.

I mean, why can't we just come
up with our own record to break?

Like some badass woman who could
really throw them back?

You know, Judy Garland,
Liz Taylor...

Joan Crawford...

Betty Ford!

[stammers] No.

Those are all sad examples
of alcohol abuse.

The Boggs thing just feels
more fun, you know?

When women do it,
it just feels sad.

♪

Okay. So, last time,
Mac was commissioner,

but I figured I could do that
and participate

because women are
excellent multitaskers.

What kind of plane is this?

How come the coloreds
are allowed to sit up front

with the whites
and we're way back here?

Wow. I never heard you
talk so much. Truly awful.

What is going on with her?
Why is she so perky?

She ate all her
nicotine patches already.

Ate them?! What? You're not
supposed to eat them.

Oh, my God, there was
a two-week supply.

[groans] You know what?
Who cares? Who cares?

In that case,
since you're all hopped up,

you be the commissioner. Okay?

Just mark everybody's shirts
every time they finish a beer.

[electronic chime]

FEMALE PILOT:
Hello ladies and ladies.

-[cheering]
-Yeah!

FEMALE PILOT:
My copilot Patricia and I

just wanted to welcome you
aboard our all-female flight

-en route to the Women's March. -[cheering]

Hell yeah! Can't wait.

Oh, no. Two women pilots.

-I'm getting out of here.
-No, no, no. S-Sit down.

Sit down. You're not getting...
everything's fine.

You're not getting off.
Sit down.

We're in mid-goddamn-air.
You know what? Drink your beer.

That'll calm your nerves.
My goodness. Okay.

Keep going like that, we might
have ourselves a real scrimmage.

She's gonna be passed out
by Indiana.

Just mark her shirt off
while she's still in the game.

[Mrs. Mac groans]

["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]

Was not expecting this line.

Why do women pee so much?

Uh, lady, thank you so much
for saving my spot.

-I wasn't.
-All right, shut up.

What's with this line?
It hasn't moved.

Excuse me, excuse me.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mark me.

All right. Nine, huh?

-Yeah.
-Nine, Waitress.

-Very nice. I like that.
-[whoops]

Some record chugging.
What's your secret?

-I'm an alcoholic.
-That'll do it.

Artemis, one? Only one? Come on.

Just feels lazy and uninspired
to do exactly what the men did.

Let's at least beat
a female sports star.

Ooh, I like that idea.
Like who?

Secretariat?

The racehorse?

I like that.
Let's beat a Secretariat.

Mm, I don't like that she was
named after a secretary.

She should be a boss. But fine.

I don't get into this bathroom
soon I'm gonna shit my pants!

Yes! Do it! See?
That's what I'm talking about.

Gross-out humor.
It's like taking the original

to the next level. See?
Nobody expects that from women.

It's so much more shocking,
isn't it?

Give me that, give me that,
give me that mark.

Oh. Here we go.

Yes. Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

-I need two more beers.
-We're out.

No problemo.

I planned for this.

Mm-hmm.

[grunts]

They don't check medical bags.

See? The guys didn't do that
last time.

How's that for originality?

What-what the hell?

Where-where are my beers?

Oh, I had to make room
for all my merchandise.

Just, uh, crystals,
worry dolls, dream catchers,

labia rings-- your basics.

I'm gonna make big money
in California.

-With this crap?
-Yeah.

It's a land of sad,

lonely, desperate women

willing to pay any price
for fake spirituality

and clean orgasms.

Ooh, I want to--
I-I want to 'gasm.

See? Lookin' at
my first customer.

Yeah, okay, look, I love a scam.

I-I love to scam
pathetic, sad, lonely women.

But let's wait
till we get to California.

For now,
I need to get you drunk.

I need beers. Goddamn it.

All right. Hey, hey!

Hey, you! Servant!

Hold on a sec. Servant.

Oh, dear God.

[chuckles]

How do I keep winding up
with you people?

-[scoffs]
-Do I know you?

Do you...

I used to work at Guigino's.

And then I moved to Minnesota

and I waited on you guys
at the Super Bowl.

-Nothing? Mm?
-Nope.

-Forget it, forget it,
forget it.
-Nope. Nope.

What can I do for ya?

Hold on a second.

How come you're a man servant?

Shouldn't there be
a woman servant

on an all-female flight?

Well, it's "flight attendant,"

and I actually volunteered,

because I think women have been
disrespected for far too long

and I wanted to honor them
and be their champion...

Great.
You're a soy boy beta cuck.

-A what?
-Whatever.

Look, uh, we're doing
the Boggs thing.

I don't know what that is.

Wade Boggs.

Okay.
Is that a person's name or...

Doesn't matter.
Uh, listen, we're gonna need

about 50 beers each, all right?

And you can put it
on the Boggs account.

Just make sure
you keep all the ladies

in the white tees lubricated.

Okay. I'm afraid we don't have
any beer, is the thing.

-What? What did you say?
-Yeah.

Uh, in honor of the Women's
March, we are serving pink wine.

So we only have rosé.

-Right. Okay.
-Yeah.

Cute. Great.

Uh, we'll take
a shit-ton of pink wine.

-Thank you.
-Okay. You're welcome.

Hey, hags, come on. I got news.

I do, too, and it's bad news.

I just found out
Secretariat was a boy.

All racehorses are male.

I know, because I find them
so attractive.

Well, that's messed up.
Why-why woman horses can't race?

They should be able...

They can run just as fast
as the boy horses.

-That's not what we're ta...
-They should march.

-Pussies on the track.
-Getting off track.
That's not...

-WOMEN: [chanting]:
Pussies on the track.
-What are you doing?

-Pussies on the track.
-Shut up! Stop it!

-We should notdrink in protest.
-Stop! Shut up! Okay?

Shut up!

[chuckles]

It's all right. It's all right,
'cause I got a new plan.

Okay? You guys need
a female athlete? [scoffs]

Check this out.

I happen to know that
tennis great Martina Navratilova

drank 70 beers
on a flight to L.A.,

only to wake up the next morning

and beat her rival, Chris Evert,
at the California Open.

-Mm, that's very impressive.
-Mm-hmm.

So now we're gonna try to beat
Martina Tinatinova...

No, goddamn it!
We're doing the Boggs thing.

We're still doing
the Boggs thing,

but you're gonna use Martina
as your inspiration. See? Okay.

And we're also switching
to pink wine.

How's that, Artemis,
for switching it up?

Trying new stuff?

You can't just change one
small specific and call it new.

-I changed three! The wine...
-We're still copying the men.

-...the athlete, and the bag!
-Copy, copy, copy.

-I will drink anything
that you put in front of me.
-Okay!

Well, there you go.
Did you hear that?

You happy? Okay, great.

So, we're all settled.

I just need to do
a quick conversion

because beer has
a five percent alcohol content

and rosé has
a 12% alcohol content.

Oh, dear! Watching a woman
do math scares me!

Okay, so every little
airplane bottle of wine

will equal 2.4 beers,

so we'd have to drink

29.17 bottles of wine
to equal 70 beers. Okay.

So let's just call it
an even 29 to win. Good?

Nerd.

["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]

Oh... We're doing a good job
on those guys, huh? Mmm...

Oh, yeah. We're tearing it up.
Tearing it up.

-Yeah. Okay. Whoo!
-[attendant button chimes]

Man, it is sad that there are
only chicks on this plane

'cause, I mean,
I am all horned up.

Well, there is a-a male servant.

Oh, yeah? Hot?

-No. Soy boy beta cuck.
-[grimaces]

I know, but, uh, don't
get distracted by that, okay?

The main reason I picked
an all-female flight

is because sex
is how Dennis lost.

Oh, Dennis? I-I like
to hear about Dennis.

-Tell me more.
-[scoffs]

He and Frank, he...
they made a side bet, you know.

See who could have sex.

And then Dennis ended up banging
this disgusting person,

and then he got off
at North Dakota to avoid her.

He was... [chuckles]
He was the first one out.

So-so Dennis had sex on
the plane, how-how many women?

-Just the one. Again...
-Hm...

...don't get distracted by that.

Well, I'm gonna beat his record.

There's only one man
on this flight.

Okay, well, I will
figure something out.

No, no, no. Stop. Stop it, okay?
Kno-Knock it off.

You're my Chris Evert.
You're my rival, okay?

The only reason you're here
is so that my hatred of you

can fuel my desire
to beat you, okay?

So I need you staying
in the game.

Okay. Then I'm gonna
beat you, you skank.

-Yes. that is the spirit.
-[laughs]

The only way to beat men is by
competing against other women.

-[laughs]
-Here's to that.

[baseball game
organ music plays]

Oh. [groans]

-Oh, it hurts so much...
-Where the hell is he?

-I dinged that goddamn thing
ten years ago.
-Yeah.

So the rose quartz
is a healing gemstone,

as well as the lapis lazuli.

And the goddess stone
is for putting up your snatch.

-Only $70, ladies.
-All right. All right.

What the hell is this shit?
What are you doing?

I'm selling my sundries, okay?

Why wait for California

when I've got a captive audience
right now?

Here. Drink this.

Mm-mmm.

What is that? Oh, my God.

Are you trying to poison me?
That's not alcohol.

No, it's my special "uni-tea."

Well, it's selling like
hotcakes.

Drink up, ladies.

It helps your prostate.

Women don't have a prostate,
goddammit.

Or is that what men
want you to believe?

You're supposed
to be drinking wines.

You know, you're not supposed
to be selling vag rocks

and-and shit tea.

You ca... Six? Six is pathetic,
even for you.

No, you know what's pathetic?
Is this Boggs ladies remake.

-Don't do that.
-Huh? Yeah, no.

I will do that.
This Boggs is busted,

'cause I'm doing
my own thing now.

And it's empowering
and communal.

Next-level shit, right, ladies?

Not to mention I've already
taken these bitches

for three hundo, so, what?

All right, goddammit, Mrs. Mac,
Artemis is out.

Yeah. Out... of this world.

Sw... Oh, okay.

All right. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, six is a yonic number,
I'm cool with it.

Hey, who wants me to read
their moon charts?

-Oh, oh.
-Yes.

["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]

Where's the goddamn drink slave?

Does anybody here do their job?

Oh, hello, Deandra.

Hey. 15, huh?

Nice. I underestimated you,
champ.

I'm trying to find the guy
to get us some more drinks

to calm your nerves,
but I think...

Oh, I don't need any more.
I found a man

to help me feel safe.

-Who, the waiter?
-No.

A realman.

Yo!

Frank. What... What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm posting up.

I figure a plane full of broads,

there's gonna
be a lot of horny women,

so I'm like a spider waiting
back here to catch some flies.

No. No, goddamn it.

This is my all-female version.

You're not supposed to be here.

Whe... In every reboot
you gotta have somebody

from the original
to make a cameo.

-No.
-Hey.

I heard there's a man back here.

Oh. Nope. It's just you.

-Want to rumble?
-No, I don't,

but I do want to beat Dennis,
so just pop it in.

I'm gonna need more wine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, drink slave.

Been looking all over
the damn plane.

I need more five more bottles.

Sorry, that is not possible.

One of our premier passengers
just bought

the rest of the bottles
on the plane.

What? Who?

Whoa.

Coach people are not
allowed in first class.

Oh.

Okay, so I'm a second-class
person?

-Mm.
-Is that 'cause I'm a woman?

-Did you hear that, ladies?!
-That's not what I said.

Oh, Oh, my God!

Did you just
try and slap me in my face?

-No.
-Oh, you better
say cheese, buddy,

'cause you're about to go viral.

-CHARLIE [on phone]:
Got to connect the Wi-Fi...
-MAC: Oh, she picked up.

[audio breaking up]:
-Oh, hi, Dee.
-Hey. Hi.

What are you guys
doing on my phone?

[audio breaking up]

How many checks
do you have on your...

-CHARLIE: It's only got
20-20 beers.
-No.

-MAC: We knew
you wouldn't do it.
-No, 20 wines. I sw...

-We had to switch to wine.
-Three beers. Three beers.

-They ran out of the beers.
-We knew you wouldn't do it.

-Wine has a higher
blood alcohol content.
-[Mac and Charlie shouting]

-DEE: They switched to wine
'cause of Women's March.
-[yelling indistinctly]

-There is no smoking in here.
-A higher blood alcohol...

-Whoever's in there...
Is this a friend of yours?
-[alarm blaring]

-Who is this?
-Oh, my God.

-Goddamn it, Mrs. Mac.
-Hello?

ATTENDANT:
Hello?

-It's the women pilots!
-ATTENDANT: What? No.

Oh, we're all gonna crash!

-No, we're not. Ma'am. Ma'am.
-[sobbing]

I've got to get out of here!

-We're fine, calm down.
-You've got to take over
the controls!

All right, where's the wine?

Which one of you first-class
assholes decided

to go and take all the wine?

'Cause I'm gonna be needing
a fe-a few of 'em back.

GAIL:
Looking for this?

[slurping]

-Snail?
-Yeah.

Heard you were doing the
Boggs Soggs lady reboot thing.

Did you lose my invitation?

No. You weren't invited.

Come on. You don't want
the coolest chick

in the world around?

You're so jealous, obvi.

I'm not jealous of you,
I didn't invite you

because you're the worst.

Oh, really? 'Cause I'm gonna
ruin your game now.

Good luck beating the guys.

You're stuck at 20,
'cause I bought all the wine.

Mm-mmm.

-I'm gonna salt you, Snail!
[grunts] Back!
-Mm-mmm... Mm!

-Stop it! Help me!
-[Waitress singing on intercom]

-Stewardess!
-Oh, what now?

[slurring]:
♪ When funny little men♪

♪ Are walking down
the golden road♪

♪ Rainbows,
rainbows and wine...♪

Oh, wine. May I borrow this?

Thank you.

She's gone full Judy Garland.
Isn't it glorious?

All right. Well, you don't
do the mic thing, though.

-The mic thing...
Uh, the mic thing is my thing.
-♪ Rainbows and wine♪

-♪ Rainbows and...♪ No! no!
-Yeah. Yeah, I did the mic thing
last time and it killed,

but when you do it, it just
seems to be depressing and sad.

That's because when women drink,
it isdepressing and sad.

I had sex in the bathroom
with Frank,

and now I'm in a shame spiral.

I'm gonna drink myself to death.

Okay, there you go.
Whatever keeps you going.

Stand up, though, okay?
Stand up, though, Waitress.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no. Stay with me. Hey.

-Stay with me. Hang in there.
-[moaning] Dennis.

Not Dennis!
Don't-don't do...

Don't touch me, okay?
Wake up. We're not...

Goddamn it. We're not even
halfway to California.

Step aside, Dee,
and let me do my job.

Fine. Goddamn it.

[mutters]

["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]

WOMAN:
Giving up so easy?

[gasps]

Martina Navratilova?

I never thought you'd give up
when you're so close

to beating the record.

[sighs]
I can't do it, Marty.

-Don't call me that.
-Well, I'm all out of booze,

and I'm all out of motivation.

Right? 'Cause my competition
pussed out, up there.

-[moaning]
-And this one back here.

-[snoring]
-It was my hatred for them

that kept me going.

It's not about
hating your opponent.

Chris Evert and I were
actually good friends.

We'd play a hard match,

but then go out
for dinner after.

Male opponents have the luxury
of hating each other.

But, as women,
we had to stick together

to fight for the respect
we deserve

and grow the sport.

-Get it?
-Yeah.

You and Chris were...

No.

-No.
-No.

-Okay, I don't get it.
-You and your friends need to...

-You know what? Forget it.
-What?

You're using me as inspiration,

but you don't know
anything about me.

-I don't even look like this.
-Yeah, you do.

No, it's just your imagination
filling in the blanks.

Really?

Now you're imagining me
as Lori Petty

in A League of Their Own.

That was a good female reboot.

No, it was its own thing.

And just so you know,
I never drank 70 beers

before winning
the California Open.

That's not even a real event.

Your whole hallucination
is a mess.

Who cares?
Tennis is boring.

Let's face it, I'm not gonna
find my Chris Evert

in this sea of duds.

It's over.

Deandra, you should have
let them crazy boys do this.

Well, now, don't you start.

GAIL:
I'll be your Chris Evert.

No, get out of here, Snail.
I don't respect you.

Oh, yeah?
Well, respect this.

I've been playing the game
the whole time.

You're one behind me, loser.

Snail.

Let's do this.

-["Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
playing]
-[Dee moaning]

[Gail moaning]

Too much spit.

[slurring]:
Ah, I did it! I did it.

I'm Mar-I'm Martina!

It's okay, baby girl.
It's over.

I know it's over.

'Cause I beat Martina.

I beat Boggs.

I'm about to beat all of 'em.

No. It's over.

I'm pulling the plug
on your male hand-me-down plot.

As women, we deserve better.

We deserve our own story.

-[coughing, retching]
-What is happening?

That tea that I served

was spiked with ayahuasca.

♪ We're talkin' baseball♪

♪ Kluszewski, Campanella♪

♪ Talkin' baseball♪

♪ The Man and Bobby Feller,
the Scooter...♪

[retching, farting]

Oh, no!

It's coming out both ends.

[retching]

-The maximum gross-out.
-[farts]

So nobody saw that coming
from women.

[farting, coughing]

Oh, God, wha...
What is going on?

I'm tripping so hard.

[gasps]
Where are we?

Are we in L.A.?

-No. We're in North Dakota.
-Mm.

And only those passengers
deemed fit to fly

will go on to Los Angeles.

And you're not one of them.

-No.
-Oh. Wait.

One more thing.

Mm...

Okay.

Bye-bye.
Thank you for flying with us.

[farting, moaning]

[tires screech]

California, USA.

-Meh.
-Mmm...

[laughs]

Meh.

[trio chanting backwards]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH