All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S13E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

FRANK:
You lock us in a room

and then we try to escape.
That's it?

Yes, that's correct. People
all over the world do this.

We're one of 15 escape room
companies in Philly alone.

Yes, I'm fully aware
of this practice.

It's a highly sexual experience
for people.

You'll get no judgments from us.

No. No, no, no.
I'm sorry, this is not sexual.

It's not sexual.
Then I don't know what this is.

You've not explained it.

Uh, well, it's a mystery
role-playing game.

You solve puzzles in order
to escape from a room.

It's really about seeing
how well you work as a team,

and it's also a lot of fun.

-FRANK: Hmm.
-This sounds very nerdy.

-Is this a nerd thing?
-It's definitely a nerd thing.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I don't do nerd things.
-DEE: No, no, no, no.

It's not-it's not nerdy.
It's not nerdy.

It's actually really fun.

That's why I set
this whole thing up. You know?

It's fun. I've done one before.

-You've done one?
-With who?

-My friends.
-What?!

-What friends?
-We're your friends.

All right, I did it alone.

-She did it alone!
-Oh!

Hey, it doesn't matter.
It's fun.

So wait, wait a minute,
so what's the prize?

If we get out of the room,
what do we get?

Well, if you escape
before your time is up,

we will put your team photo
on our website.

-Just the picture?
-That's it?
-Just the picture.

-That's the worst thing
I've ever heard.
-And it's not sexual?

-I'm out. I'm out.
-DEE: Come on. Why does

there have to be a prize?
Why does it have to be sexual?

Why can't men just do something
for the challenge of it,

'cause it's fun?

Men don't do things
just to do them.

Okay? We're busy
running the world,

-providing for our families.
All right?
-Exactly.

We need stakes. If there's
no stakes, what's the point?

That's a good idea, though.

How about if whoever wins,

you buy them
a 20-ounce sirloin steak?

-CHARLIE: Yeah.
-DENNIS: That makes sense.

-That could be fun.
-As a man, that makes sense.

-Well, okay, yes.
-FRANK: Different.

DENNIS: Absolutely.
Then it becomes a game.

You see, I get out of the room.

That means I win the game,

the lady here,
she takes me out for a steak,

-and then it becomes sexual.
-WOMAN: Nope. No.

That's not how it works.
So you have to win as a team...

You know what?
Don't explain it anymore.

Challenge accepted.

♪

Ooh, hoo, hoo,
this is gonna be so good.

Whoa, they really went all-out.

This might actually
be kind of fun.

-Aah! Whoa, ho, ho!
-Oh, Dee!

-Whoa, what...
-Guys, guys, guys,
I found something.

What are you screaming at,
Deandra?

You didn't even find it.

-It was right there
on the table.
-[click]

WOMAN [English accent]:
Greetings and salutations,

-Detectives.
-Who's that broad?

It's Amanda from before. She's
just doing a bad British accent.

[English accent]:
A tuppence to you, Amanda.

-[groaning]
-Oh, now she's gonna do it.
-Doth thou...

Give me this,
'cause you can't...

All right. Yeah, Amanda,
um, if you do that accent,

-then Dee's gonna want to do it,
and we hate that.
-Yeah. Yeah.

So w-why don't you just go?
You go.

AMANDA [English accent]:
You have arrived

at 221B Baker Street,

home of world-famous...
um, excuse me.

You're not supposed
to start searching yet.

-I haven't started the timer.
-I didn't.

AMANDA [normal voice]:
Oh, yes, you did.

I have cameras
all over the room.

I can see and hear
everything you do.

Oh, my bad.
Okay, I stopped.

AMANDA: No, you didn't.
Again, I can see you.

Yeah, um, Amanda,
she's not gonna stop,

so why don't you just, um,
uh, speed things along?

AMANDA [English accent]: Oh, u-uh, Holmes is in trouble,

-and he needs your help...
-Yeah, faster, faster.

Oh, okay, well,
if you need a hint...

Yeah, you know what? Um,
we're not... we don't like this

at all. Um, why don't you just
go ahead and start the game?

-AMANDA [normal voice]: Okay,
fine, your time starts now.
-[beep]

-Oh! We're locked in.
Here we go!
-Oh, that's cool.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa,
she locked the door?
-DENNIS: Yeah.

Did you not listen to the whole
setup that the game nerd did?

-That's what the game...
-No, that's-that's no good.

I can't have that.
I can't be locked in.

-W-What's the code for the door?
-DEE:
That's the whole point, Frank.

-We're supposed
to work together...
-Shut up, Deandra.

-I can't be locked in here.
-CHARLIE: O-Okay, calm down.

You know, I was worried
that this might happen.

Frank hasn't been locked up
since the nitwit school,

so he gets a little tight
about it.

I brought some of that gum
you like, buddy.

You want to chew on that?
Want to chew on that?

It's gonna settle you down.

-That's gonna calm his nerves.
-DENNIS: All right, hey, guys.

Uh, let's huddle up.
Guys, listen, listen.

Frank, it's gonna be cool, man,
we can do...

we can totally do this. Okay.

Here's what I'm thinking:
I think-I think we should

actually split up into teams,
and then when we find something,

-we come...
we come back together,
-[smacking]

and we put... we use the...
collective brain power...

I'm sorry. Frank,
that gum-chewing is insane.

-What?
-The chewing of the gum.
It's happening,

u-uh, right in my ear.
It's ludicrous.

That-that is the most irritating
sound on Earth.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Guys, guys.

I'm thinking that
since I've done this before,

-I should probably quarterback
this whole thing.
-Well, I spoke too soon.

That's the most
irritating sound on Earth.

-Yeah, yeah.
-DEE: And just, I can-I can
walk you guys through

how to get clues, what you're
looking for, specifically.

-Why don't you just
go find the clues?
-Thanks, Dee.

-Help us out. Thanks, Dee.
-Go, go, go.

-Yeah. Thanks a lot, Dee.
-Great, thanks.
-Keep going.

-[gasps]
-Is she gonna be doing that
the whole time, man?

-Like, just chiming in--
like, advice, and...
-DENNIS: You know she is.

Did-did you hear what she said
about being the quarterback?

Does she think she's the leader?

Everybody knows
quarterbacks are men.

And honestly, like,
I don't want to say it out loud,

-but a female leader?
It's just...
-No.

Doesn't sit well, right?
Doesn't sit well with me.

-Gives me chills.
-It feels, like,
un-American, maybe?

-Yeah. Bro.
-FRANK: It's un-American.

-Very un-American.
-Is it? Is it?

Thing is, is like,
we had a vote in America.

-Yeah.
-We almost had one,

and then America
was like, "Mm..."

-No women.
-We couldn't have been
more clear about it.

-Very clear.
-[quietly]: I... I got a plan.

No, no, no, come on, you guys.

No, we're supposed
to do this together.

We're supposed to do it...
Goddamn it!

FRANK:
Ah...

so-so much more relaxed
without her in here.

MAC:
That's the move.

Both of 'em. I mean, the last
thing we need is two women,

-"helping us"?
-Oh, I know.

Why do you have a lock
on the outside of your door?

Uh, well, that's... Don't ask.
You... Look, the point is,

th-there's a lock on the door,

and there's no way
Dee's getting out of there.

-[laughs]
-All right,

so now that we don't have those
ladies squawking in our ears,

let's get back to doing
what men do best,

and we strategize, okay?

So we need to come up
with a game plan.

-Yeah? All right.
-CHARLIE: Mm.

-Yes. I know exactly
what we should do.
-I actually have a good idea.

-Wait. Hold on, hold on, hold
on. Wait, don't interrupt me.
-Here's what we do...

-No, no. We go... No, no!
-Mac, shut up.

-Let me say my idea first.
-No, it's really good, it's
gonna get us out of the room.

-I have a great idea.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down, slow down. Okay.

Clearly, we're gonna
have to designate a leader here.

-Oh.
-Oh! Right.
-Right?

-Of course.
-That's what men do.

What are we...
That's what men... Right!

We-we figure out
who's, uh, in charge.

-Right, exactly.
-That's how things work.

I nominate Dennis.

-Oh.
-Yes, because he's the smartest.

-Right, Dennis?
-Uh, I-I am very smart,

and it's not a bad idea
to have me be the leader.

Plus, also now
that you've said it,

I feel like it can't be unsaid.

I wouldn't have said it,
but it is true.

Uh... technically,
Frank is the oldest,

which makes him the smartest.

Yeah, but Dennis is, like, the
smartest person I've ever met,

and I've met,
like, a hundred people.

Ooh, you know,
that is a lot of people.

Well, I've met, like 105.

-Now, why would you...
-You have not. Where?

-Whatever. Supermarket, mall.
-Charlie knows a lot of people.

-I know people.
-I'll table it, I'll table it.

Why don't we break up
into the two teams?

I'll pick my leader,

you pick yours,
and we can find our own clues.

Uh, you know what? That's
actually a really great idea,

because that creates
a more competitive atmosphere,

-Okay.
-which is more conducive

to the problem-solving abilities
of a man. Huh?

-Huh?
-Yeah. Yeah, I think he's right.

-All right, fine. You and me?
Want to split off?
-Okay.

-You and me. Let's go.
-Lose these bozos.

-[scoffs] We need 'em? No.
-All right, we're out of here.

-Come on, follow me.
I got a couple ideas, man.
-He might-he might die.

-He might die. Yeah.
-Good luck, suckers.

All right. Hey, let's, uh,
let's find some clues, buddy.

Don't worry, Dennis,
I already found one,

and I think it's significant.

-Whoa.
-It's a heart-shaped lock.

-Whoa, excellent find, buddy.
-Yeah.

[quietly]: Excellent.
Okay, the game is afoot.

-[chuckles] All right.
-Yes! Yes.

Let's-let's keep this
between us.

[whispers]:
Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Nice, nice.
-I won't tell them.

I-I'm terrified. I don't feel

like touching anything
in Mac's room.

-Hey, don't touch the bike.
-I'm not going near that.

-Okay, all right.
-But we can't let them beat us.

-Frank, Frank, Frank. Frank.
-Just look. We don't...

Look no further.

-'Cause when I was out there...
-Hmm?

...I already found one.

Great! You didn't-you didn't
tell them.

No, I'm not gonna tell them.

Because the most important
aspect of a man's success

is to never trust another man.

-For sure, yeah.
-Okay, well, w-what is it?

-All right, check it out.
-Hmm?

A heart-shaped key.

-Oh!
-[chuckles]

DEE:
Ugh!

Goddamn!
Sons of bitches.

Amanda, what's
the protocol when a team

locks one of their team members
in another room?

AMANDA [on walkie-talkie]:
I have no idea.

This has never happened before.

All right, well,
what are they doing out there?

Not much. They've basically
just been arguing

about which one is in charge
this whole time.

All right, well, have they found
the heart-shaped

-lock and key yet?
-They have, but they

refuse to admit it to one...

Wait, how did you know
about that clue?

Ooh, yeah, yeah. I've done this
exact same escape room before.

Yeah, that's why I picked it.

I wanted to show them that
I'm smart and I can solve stuff.

-By cheating your way through
a game you've already played?
-Okay, don't

judge me, nerd.
All right? I don't need that.

What I need is for you
to get me out there

-so I can solve puzzles
and be a star.
-Okay, well, again,

this is a team-building
exercise.

Perhaps if you could tell them
about the lock and the key,

they'd let you out of the room.

Oh, yeah, right. I'm sure--
and give them the satisfaction

of unlocking it? No, thanks.
Now, come on, sister.

We got-we got to stick together

and solve this problem
the way women do.

Let's approach it
like women. Right?

Through cooperation we can find
a way to emasculate the men

whose attention we're seeking.

I don't feel
comfortable with this.

Let's see how comfortable
you feel in five minutes,

when they get frustrated and
start smashing all your shit.

It's not in here.

Yeah. Nope. Here either.
You now what?

Let's-let's just...
let's stop.

Let's just... Okay. We've
smashed a lot of things here,

and I'm not seeing a single key,

which means the key's
got to be in your room

with Charlie and Frank.
Now... Oh, damn it, Mac.

Stop-stop chewing so loudly.

I'm not chewing anything.

Well, I can't think. Okay?

I hear you chewing,
and I can't think.

I don't have anything
in my mouth.

Oh, Jesus.

That's Frank in the other room.
[scoffs]

You know what that is, right?

That's a power play.

Frank's trying to assert
his dominance over me.

It's a classic alpha move.

-Oh, my God, it is?
-Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, no.
Don't sit. Don't sit.

-Oh, sorry.
-[sighs] You see,

by constantly chewing so loudly,

he's sending a very clear
message that he is the head cow.

And, as we all know,

the head cow's always grazing.

Aren't all cows female?

Well, that was a metaphor.
Okay, you know... [sighs]

Mac, sometimes I'm just riffing.

Would you allow me to riff?

As the leader, can I riff?
Can I riff?!

-Ye-Yes, yes, yes. Yes.
-All right, so the point is

go get me some of that gum.

That was the point
you were making? You want gum?

Well, yes, I need the gum.
It sends a very important,

subconscious cue that
sets the tone for pack animals.

I need to assert myself
to this monkey

so that he'll submit to my will,

and we can win the game and
get the hell out of this place.

I'm so sorry, Dennis.
I'm very confused...

Don't sit down!

Yes. Um...

Just a clarifying question:
are-are we monkeys or cows?

We're whatever the hell
I say we are, okay?

I'm just riffing.
Now will you go get my gum?

Yes.

Anything?

No. Nothing.

Well, keep smashing,
because whatever lock

goes on the end of this key has
got to be in here, somewhere.

I've smashed everything,
I can't find it.

-Hey, guys. How's it going?
-Super great.

-Super awesome, dude.
-Yeah. Really good.

Super great. We're finding
all sorts of cool stuff.

You know, probably gonna be
out of this room in no time.

My leader's killing it
over here.

-You touched the bike?
-No, I didn't your bike.

Didn't touch a thing in here
that was yours, man.

Didn't touch one of your
gross things.

-What's up?
-Nah. You guys cool?

-Yeah, we're cool.
What's up with you?
-Huh? We're good.

-I'm so cool.
-What do you want?

-What do you want?
What do you want?
-Yeah, what's up?

-What do you want?
-What's up? What's up?

-Dennis wants some gum.
-Oh, all right. Hang on a sec...

-No, no. Don't do that.
-What?

-That's a power play, Charlie.
-It is?

-Yeah.
-How is it a power play?

It's a power play. Everybody
knows that the head cow

is always grazing.

-Oh, that's true.
-Wait, so that's, like,
a real thing?

-Yeah. That's what it is.
-Makes sense.
If you're a top cow, what,

-are you gonna not eat?
-Now, I'm sorry,
we can't help you.

A-All right.
Well... I have info.

All right, well,
what's your info?

First, give me some gum
for Dennis.

Oh, hardball, huh?
Okay, I'll tell you what.

No, no, don't, don't, don't...

I'm gonna give you one shred.

-Ooh! Oh, not cool dude!
-Oh, I knew he was
gonna do that.

I just didn't want to feel weak
in front of Frank.

I-I want to be
a big-deal cow, too.

Well, now I want to be
a big-deal cow, and I want gum.

But don't eat
all my gum, Charlie.

All right, well, what's your
info? What'd you find out?

-I found a clue.
-What is it?

Give me some more gum
for Dennis.

-No. I don't trust you.
-Why not?

'Cause you're just gonna put it
in your mouth and eat it again.

I won't.
I promise.

Mm. His neck is high.
Makes me trust him.

Good posture, bro.
Okay. All right, I trust you.

-Ooh!
-Aah!

-I knew he couldn't be trusted.
-Oh, not cool, man.

Never trust another man in
a negotiation, that's textbook.

Art of the Deal.
Art of the Deal,bro.

Oh, you tried to tell me that.
All right, Art of the Deal.

Art of the Deal,
Art of the Deal.

Hey, look, we're getting
somewhere, right?

We're in negotiation.
That-that's good.

-That's good, men being men.
-What do you got?

All right, well,
tell-tell us what the clue is.

Why would I tell you?
You already gave me what I want.

Because we both know
what Dennis'll do to you

if you come back empty-handed--
he will scratch you silly, Mac.

Killer negotiation, man.

-Holy shit!
-Yeah. Pretty sweet, right?

-Art of the Deal.
-Art of the Deal.
-He was lying.

So what's up,
what'd you find?

I got this.

I think it's time for a summit.

Thank you for coming
to my summit.

Well, it's not your summit.
It's everyone's summit.

That's what a summit is.

The point is
we're here to discuss

the terms of your surrender.

Our surrender?
Why would we surrender to you?

We know you have
the heart-shaped lock.

Goddamn it, Mac!
You told them?!

-[exclaims]
-Ooh!

And we have all the leverage,

because we have
something you need,

and we're not gonna
tell you what.

The key?

-Yeah.
-Okay,

so there goes your leverage.

Yeah.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

For you cannot open a lock
without a key.

And you can't do anything
with just a key.

It appears we're
at a standstill.

Yeah.

-Yeah.
-By the way, is anybody
else wondering

why we haven't heard Dee
make a peep this entire time?

Goddamn it, you guys!

Why is no one answering me?!

AMANDA: I don't even think
they can hear you.

Is there a chance
your brother would've

sound-proofed his room
for some reason?

Ugh... Oh, no.

Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah, there is.

Oh, Dennis, you psychopath.

How long have I been
locked in here?

-[rapid beeping]
-What the...

-♪
-DENNIS [on laptop]:
Welcome, sexual conquest.

As previously discussed,
you've pressed the button

on the alarm clock,
signifying your permission

to begin the game.

-Ew.
-A digital copy
of your thumbprint

has been sent
as your e-signature

confirming your full consent

-for whatever
may happen to you.
-Oh, God.

We've also discussed
the safe word.

Feel free to use it
at any time...

but, as we both know,
from your Craigslist profile,

you probably won't.

Good luck.

[exclaims]
Oh! Oh, no!

-Oh, my God. No, no, no.
-DENNIS: Remember,

-Come on, Dennis. -if you're having too much fun,

-it ruins it for me.
-Wh...

Ah, ah, ah.

You didn't say the safe word.

Goddamn it, Dennis.

AMANDA:
This is insanely disturbing.

All right, you do it
for a living.

Get off your high horse.

-Dennis! Oh, no.
-AMANDA: Okay, okay,

maybe I can help you
unlock the door after all.

What do you see in the room?
What's the first clue?

No, no, you don't get it.

There's no going
out that door, all right?

I-I know my brother
better than anybody else.

The fact that his prisoner
cannot escape

is really
what's getting him off.

[sighs]

Without that safe word there's
only one way out of this room.

And that's doing
something drastic.

[all mumbling indistinctly]

-[laughs, mutters]
-And no decision upon us.

So I will tarry forth
with what we've said about...

Oh, gentlemen, uh,
gentlemen, if I may.

As your newly elected speaker,
I'd like to start by saying

I henceforth
relinquish any possibility

of becoming team leader
from myself.

So long as I am able
to retain this excellent title,

as speaker of the tribe.

Uh, do we all agree
to these terms?

Uh, yeah.

Then, as the time in the game
is drawing close to an end,

as is the flavor of our gum,

I shall commence with the terms
we've all discussed posthaste.

As we all know, we men possess

both the lock and the key.

The turning of said lock and key
shall give us the code

to open that door
and render us victorious.

The turner of said key should
and shall be our team leader.

So the election of this leader

is our top priority
at this time.

Followed only
by the power dynamic

that falls underneath
this leader.

And then, lastly,
there is the matter of meat,

and who among us

gets to graze upon it.

Too far?

I'll dial it back a bit.
I'll dial it back a bit.

-FRANK: Back up.
-That's very good.

Frank...

as the purchaser of the meat
upon our imminent victory,

you have offered to award
each one of us with our own

20-ounce sirloin steak,

provided you bite yours first.

Is this correct?

Correct.

Now, Dennis,
as the possessor of the lock,

albeit through
unscrupulous methods,

let us not have another scratch.

You shall bite your steak
second, followed by Mac,

the original finder of the lock.

And lastly, me, for I picked
the shortest of the straws.

It was unfortunate, but you were
all kind enough to grant me

the speaker position as to stop
the incessant arguing

that took place upon
the picking of straws.

FRANK:
Yeah.

Do we all agree to these terms?

Very good. Very good.

Then, gentlemen, on the count
of three, we shall dispense

of our chewables and commence
with the turning of the key.

One...

two...

three.

Gentlemen, I will remind you

that time is of the essence.

Very good.

Frank, the lock and the key.

But before he opens it,
I'd like to take a brief moment

to recognize
our excellent work as men...

-FRANK: Mm.
-navigating these
difficult waters

with ethics, with grace,

with minimal violence.

But, above all,
without compromise

to our masculine identity
by any admission of guilt,

failure or weakness.

-[laughing]
-Hear, hear.

Ah, to us as men.

Ah, to us as men. Frank,
uh, lead us to our victory.

Men.

Hmm.

-There's something inside.
-DENNIS: Uh...

-What is it? What is it?
-A note.
-Ah!

-What does the note say?
-[Charlie laughing]

"And so the game begins."

What?!

I-I think this is
only the first clue.

Oh, oh, shit.
There's a whole

shitload of instructions

-on what to do next.
-DENNIS: No, no, no.

-Next? H-How many things
do we have to do next?
-CHARLIE: Yeah, what is that?

-Well, well, 20, 30...?
-Uh...

There's like a hundred in there.

-FRANK: Oh, shit.
-20, 30? How much time
do we have left?

-Oh, no, no, no.
-Two minutes.

-Two minutes?
-Two minutes.

-We don't have time
to do all those things.
-Oh, no!

Frank, Frank, you're in charge.

-What do we do?
-I don't know what to do!
-DEE: You assholes!

-Let me in!
-MAC: Holy shit.

-Dee's out on the ledge.
-She got out of your room.

-Clever girl.
-CHARLIE: Dee!
-DEE: Come on!

Come on, you son of a bitch.
Let me in. I can help you.

-Dee...
-I can get you out of there!
-Dee, be careful.

-That ledge is really small.
-Just let me in.

Stop! Stop the game!

She's gonna fall!
Let her in!

You guys, you have to...
[shouts, screams]

-[all shout]
-Oh, shit!
-[thump, glass shattering]

I am so sorry that
this happened to you.

We've never had
an injury before.

Well, I'll sue the shit
out of them, Amanda.

I'm gonna do it.
I hate them.

Okay? I-I... If they just
would've listened to me.

-I knew how to help them get...
-[guys chanting]:
Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!

-Oh, there she is! There she is!
-Hey!

-Oh, my God. Woo!
-Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!
-There's our girl.

Oh, yeah. Hey, guys.

Yeah, Dee, you outsmarted them.

-You won the game.
-Yeah.

You took a fall for the boys.

A-And you know what?
That's what a quarterback does.

Sacrifices his-- or her--
body for the team.

-You really were
the quarterback.
-I was...

-I was the quarterback, right?
-Absolutely.

Yeah, you sure were.
Yeah, no, you figured out

the only loophole
in my carefully curated

and well-researched
bondage facility.

You're the only person
who's ever done that.

-Really?
-Yeah, the only one.
The only one.

Yeah, game nerd.
Now, take the picture.

-What are you talking about?
-Oh, y-you said

if we worked as a team
and we escaped from the room,

-then you would take
our photo for your website.
-DEE: Yeah.

But you didn't work as a team.

-Yeah, no, no,
yeah-yeah, we did.
-Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely we did,
'cause we-we got

-out of the room.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Yeah, because I let you out.

Oh, yeah, but it was
before the timer went off,

and you didn't specify how we
get out, just that we get out.

-Yeah, that's on you, really.
-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

-That's not on us. Okay?
-Yep.

-Take the picture.
-I don't see the problem here.

Just take the picture.

-Okay.
-Yeah, but, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, before you do that.

-Uh, Frank got steaks.
-Yeah.
-Steaks for everybody.

-Oh! Steaks.
-MAC: Yay!

Yeah, everybody
gets one, but Dee...

you get to bite first.

Oh, wow.

Thanks, guys.

All right,
take the picture, loser.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, let's go, let's go.

[laughing]

One, two, three!

ALL:
Cheese!

♪

[trio chanting backwards]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH