Original subtitles

¶¶¶

Welcome, welcome all to So You Want to Win a Million.

Let's bring our first contestant up.

Hi, um...

Larry. The name's Larry.

And you are?

Hurly T. Wiggins.

Well, Mr. Wiggins, what would you like to do with

the money if you win a million?

Buy a motorcycle.

I've always wanted a motorcycle.

That's it?

Just a motorcycle?

Well, and a helmet.

Gotta protect this brain of mine.

[phone rings]

Hold on.

No no no no, don't worry, we ain't giving away no million.

Yeah. Well, sure I like my job.

Yeah yeah.

Ok. Ok. No problem.

Oh boy.

¶ This story, it is totally true. ¶

¶ It happened to my friend named Sue. ¶

¶ She'd had rough times way back, ¶

¶ that sure is true. ¶

¶ She'd been nabbed As a thief In fourth grade ¶

¶ Stole five spearmint sweets But then had gone straight ¶

¶ (just couldn't wait) the very next day. ¶

¶ The men in blue had scared her but good. ¶

¶ Ain't that the truth ¶

¶ Sue was not the criminal kind ¶

¶ There was no solace she could find. ¶

¶ Not for a moment had she any peace of mind. ¶

¶ She was no doubt A five sweet snatcher ¶

¶ Was totally sure The cops would catch her. ¶

¶ She dreamned of how for that crime she'd pay. ¶

¶ Guilt has its way of staying in your heart ¶

¶ Years later she was really rich. ¶

¶ To an oil baron she had just been hitched. ¶

¶ She drove a car so huge a moose could fit. ¶

¶ She went downtown to shop ¶

¶ At a boutique very hot. ¶

¶ Just to wander and browse and try on a blouse ¶

¶ and pass the time of day. ¶

¶ She left the store without a thing. ¶

¶ Though she'd been lookin' at some diamond rings ¶

¶ She rounded the block and spotted a startling thing. ¶

¶ She looked down At her hand And there next ¶

¶ To her wedding band ¶

¶ Was a rock that could choke, ¶

¶ perhaps even croak, a very large horse. ¶

¶ She'd tried it on. ¶

¶ But she hadn't taken it off. ¶

¶ Sue tried to keep her panic down. ¶

¶ She'd just return the ice and they'd laugh all round. ¶

¶ But as she turned, a nasty thing she found. ¶

¶ There were cops swarming round ¶

¶ An alarm Began to sound ¶

¶ Then one pointed in, at our heroine, ¶

¶ and ran down her way. ¶

¶ Sue took off just like a bat from heck. ¶

¶ All she thought of was to save her neck. ¶

¶ And that childhood episode, you bet. ¶

¶ So she slipped behind the wheel ¶

¶ Of her large Automobile ¶

¶ And burned tires so hot, the black top burned off, ¶

¶ as she sped away. ¶

¶ Did she stop? Oh, I don't think so. ¶

¶ Sue knew that she was good no more. ¶

¶ Even as she slammed the pedal to the floor. ¶

¶ Screeched the brakes and swerved on I-194. ¶

¶ In the rear- view she saw Eight or nine ¶

¶ Arms of the law ¶

¶Gaining so fast, they'd catch her at last, ¶

¶ so Sue got on that ramp A. ¶

¶ From bad to worse now, baby. ¶

¶ Right on out to the country, she went. ¶

¶ The day went black, the rain came tumbling down. ¶

¶ No turning back, Sue drove far out of town. ¶

¶ Down country lanes, up hills and right back down. ¶

¶ Sue's poor heart In her throat ¶

¶ Lost control of the road. ¶

¶ Went flip flop over top, then the car just stopped, ¶

¶ on a big bale of hay. ¶

¶ Was she okay? ¶

Oh yeah... For now at least.¶

¶ The cops spun up just as our girl climbed out. ¶

¶ The gig was up, her luck had all run out. ¶

¶ With arms held high, "Don't shoot!" ¶

¶ she tried to shout. ¶

¶ Then one cop Broke the back Rear door window ¶

¶ Of the Cadillac And hauled out a guy, ¶

¶ with a look in his eye, and four bags of cash. ¶

¶ It seems the cops were never after Sue. ¶

¶ A bank was robbed right near that boutique, too. ¶

¶ The guy'd hid in the back of Sue's auto. ¶

¶ One cop'd spied him climb there ¶

¶ And he nearly tore out his hair ¶

¶ When our nice Sue climbed in, ¶

¶ and then baffled him, by just speeding away. ¶

Hey! What happened to the ring?

Nobody likes a snitch, big mouth.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

The first question on your way to a million.

For $1.

Why is the French prision called the Bastille?

Because it is made of the best steel in France.

Ok, oh, you're right.

Well now, that was exciting.

We'd better take a breather here and watch a

breathtaking freaky story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

This girl Shelly was the worst chicken you ever saw.

Horror movies made her scream every time.

So anyway, Shelly's nightmare started in the

café the day her friend Jennifer

wanted to go out on a date.

She asked Shelly if she'd sub in for her

for baby-sitting.

Jennifer was supposed to sit at the Thompson place

that night.

Way out in the country.

Way up on that hill.

The Tompson place was a scary old mansion.

Shelly got the shakes just thinking about it.

It reminded her of those movies where a bunch of

teenagers go into a spooky old house...

and never come out.

But Jennifer wasn't above shaming the girl into

taking her place.

"Oooh, What's the matter, Shelly?...Scared?"

I guess the taunt just got under Shelly's skin.

A strange look got into her eyes.

Like determination or something?

Very bad timing, I'd say.

Very bad.

So at nine o'clock sharp, Shelly knocked on the

Thompson's door.

Everything went as usual.

Parents were gone. Check.

Kids were in bed. Check.

Fridge was raided. Check-a-roonie.

And she settled in for a little TV to pass the time...

And then the phone rang...

WELL, Shelly figured it would be Jennifer.

But when she lifted the receiver this gross mumbly

voice said, "Have you checked the children?"

She tried to scream - but it got clogged up

in her throat.

So she slammed the phone down.

She was paralyzed with fear.

'Til a thought crept into her head:

What if Jennifer set this up to scare her?

What if it was some kind of practical joke?...

Shelly was almost calmed down when the phone rang again.

This time she fell off the couch and tried hiding

under the coffee table.

She just wouldn't answer it.

Just, just let it ring, right?

And what if it was Jennifer calling back to say how

funny the whole thing was?

Shelly couldn't stand the ringing and lunged

for the phone.

Same creepy voice.

Same creepy tone: "Have you checked the children?"

No frozen fear this time.

Uh-uh. Total panic.

She ripped the phone RIGHT out of its socket.

And threw it across the room.

Shelly raced around the down the stairs shutting every

blind, locking every door and pushing the big

furniture up against the outside doors.

Then there was nothing for her to do but wait.

Alone. In that big old house.

With that stupid clock just ticking and ticking

and ticking.

You could hear it all the way from upstairs.

Upstairs!

Then the thought hit her:

Maybe she should check on the kids.

After all it's only a stupid joke, right?

Jennifer was probably having the biggest laugh of her

life - at least, that's, that's what Shelly hoped...

She headed for the foot of the stairs.

There's nothing to be scared of, right?

Even though the stairs were awfully dark and creepy.

But just as her foot hit the bottom step...

[phone ringing]

It was coming from the study this time.

Shelly tore into the spooky old room.

It had stuffed bear heads on the walls.

She whipped the phone off the hook: It was the voice:

"You haven't checked the children!

You haven't checked the children!"

Shelly was frozen with fear, but a thought suddenly

calmed her down.

She could phone the operator,

and get them to trace the call and scare the heck out

of Jennifer.

Or arrest her... Or something!

So she called the operator.

But they said she had wait for the creepy guy to call

back before they could trace the call.

And just as soon as she hung up -

the phone started to ring again.

Shelly snapped up the receiver and held it to her

ear, waiting for the creepy voice,

but no one WAS there...

She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Whew. Wrong number."

But just as she hung up the phone -- it rang again.

"Stop calling me! She screamed.

"I know it's you Jennifer!

This isn't very funny!"

But it was the operator.

"GET OUT!" she screamed.

"Why?" asked Shelly.

"We've traced the call," said the operator.

"It's coming from a second line inside the house!

GET OUT NOW!!!"

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

who got real brave and now baby-sits anyone,

anywhere, in any house...

as long as there isn't more than one phone line.

He only answered one question,

you've got my word.

He ain't gonna win no million dollars.

What do you mean it's gonna come out of my pocket,

I ain't got - hello?

Hello?

We'll be back after this terrific freaky story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

An old friend, Arnold, who I met one summer at camp.

Now, Arnold considered himself a pretty special kid

on account of there was nothing he wouldn't do.

Jump off the highest dock?

Kur-Splash.

Swallow a snail? Yum.

Why he even ate the chef's mystery special.

Arnold thought all these things made him Mister big

shot, but truth be told, most people thought he was

a, well, lunkhead.

Well, one day during a hike in the woods,

Arnold got himself a notion.

"Betcha I can climb that there tree", he said.

But that tree was a sixty-foot redwood,

the tallest tree in the forest.

And no sooner then you could say 'lunkhead',

Arnold was off, scrambling up the tree like some kind

of monkey: Now I guess the lack of brains made it easy

for him.

He kept going higher and higher until we couldn't see

him no more.

Then our counselors showed up.

They told us to get going, we had to make it back to

camp before nightfall.

And, of course, they wouldn't listen to our

screaming about Arnold.

By now Arnold was so high up he couldn't hear anyone.

And when he climbed back down,

we had already packed up and left.

"Well I better go find those guys" said Arnold,

"It'd be a shame if they started missing me."

So, off Arnold went...

It was getting dark by the time we got back,

and suddenly the counselors realized that Arnold

was missing!

They started to get real worried.

Because no one should be out in the forest at night.

There were stories told, about strange things

happening out there in the woods.

The same stories that were going around in Arnold's

head, making him even more lost.

He had found that very same redwood tree

five times now...

Suddenly, a twig cracked, something was in the bushes

and coming closer.

Maybe the campfire stories were true!

Arnold struck a Karate pose - ready to defend himself

against hideous forest creatures,

when three very old Grannies stepped out of the mist.

"Something the matter, deary?"

one of them said.

They told Arnold how they had been out collecting

mushrooms when they spotted him.

Arnold explained how he'd been deserted

by his counselors.

The Grannies kindly offered to put him up for the night

in their cottage.

The old Grannies lived in the middle of the deepest

and darkest part of the forest.

They said it was very private and close to all the

very best mushroom patches.

Inside, from floor to ceiling were shelves and

shelves of jars filled with every kind of fungus and

plant you could imagine.

The grannies explained they were all herbs and spices,

which they used to add a bit of the unusual

to their meals.

"You must really enjoy cooking."

said Arnold.

"Would you like a meal, young man?

You must be starving", said one.

"You look cold." said another,

"We have just the thing to warm you up..."

said the third.

In the next room, the Grannies proudly showed

Arnold the largest hot tub he had ever seen.

It was homemade, they said.

Great for soaking their bunions after long walks

in the woods.

So there sat Arnold, soaking away in the bubbling

water trying not to think about the old Grannies'

bunions - ewwww!

They sure were nice ladies even if they were

a tad strange.

He could hear them talking in the kitchen about

"What a nice young man" and "how long it had been since

they'd had anyone for dinner."

The Grannies sounded very excited,

cackling away as they sharpened their knives.

Something about that place reminded Arnold about those

old campfire stories.

Wasn't there one about a boy lost in the forest?

And Witches who liked eating...?

Naaah! Couldn't be!

These were Grannies, not Witches.

Grannies with scary black cats,

and bottles of fungus-es and...

The door opened and Arnold jumped.

A Granny said she needed her broom to sweep up

before dinner.

"We're almost ready for you", she croaked.

"No reason to worry", Arnold told himself,

"just spooky old Grannies, with black cats,

brooms and this big - giant - pot he was sitting in."

They weren't warming him up, they were cooking him!

He had to get out of there before tonight's meal was

Poached Arnold!

Then the doorknob rattled!

He was trapped!

Arnold looked around and saw his chance.

He opened a jar of spice and threw it in the air.

The Grannies started to sneeze!

He leaped from the pot, through a window and away

through the forest as fast as he could go.

The sweet old Grannies stood there holding a freshly

baked dish of maple-walnut meatloaf

with parsley parsnips.

"What was wrong with that boy?

Didn't he like meatloaf?

Maybe he was a vegetarian..."

This is a true story, it happened to a friend of a

friend of mine, Arnold, who we found the next morning

shivering under the redwood.

He doesn't go on hikes anymore and whenever he sees

old ladies he screams and hides way up in a tree.

While you were gone Mr. Wiggins here answered

999,999 questions.

Only one more to go to win a million?

Ok, the question is, why does a stork stand

on one leg?

Well if he lifts both legs he'll fall down.

You're right! Gah!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Hunter.

He was a detective, a shamus, a sleuth.

He was the best of the best.

He sniffed out the clues that no one else could see,

solved the cases that everyone else said

were unsolvable.

He was the stuff that legends were made of...

Hunter'd been working the "Six Finger" case.

Seems some six-fingered, second story operator had a

prodigious penchant for pendants -

of the diamond-studded variety.

Hunter'd been combing the crime scenes for clues -

but the crook always got away clean.

Then nothing. Nada.

The big Nowheresville.

It was like ol' Six Finger had disappeared without a trace.

Vanished off the face of the earth,

leaving Hunter in the lurch.

This was "the one that got away" and it was slowly

driving him mad.

He was morose.

His work was slipping.

He was fixated on finding the Six Fingered thief.

Finally the Chief of Detectives called him on it.

"Hunter", he said. "You're a good man.

But this Six Finger fixation isn't good for you

or the force."

Then he ordered Hunter two weeks off -

his first vacation in six years.

Hunter packed up the Missus and plodded off for

two weeks of quiet.

Nothing but rest.

Nothing but relaxation.

In sunny Las Vegas?

They made the most of their time together -

quality time.

They took in the local culture: the nightlife,

the shows, the two-dollar earlybird steak dinners...

One night they were touring the famous "neon" strip.

That's when the missus spotted the fabulous

El-Rancho Mirage Wax Museum.

Propped up outside were likeness of Lee,

Wayne, Frankie, Dino and Sammy.

Standing there - big as life - and twice as fragrant...

"C'mon honey! Let's go in!"

she urged. "It'll be fun."

Hunter wasn't convinced.

But she smiled at him as the neon twinkled in the ice she

wore around her neck.

Hunter figured "Why not - we're on vacation".

They stepped through the turnstiles,

into the cool, dark lobby.

"They toured the Hall of Fame,

the Walk of Presidents and the Dungeon of Horror.

Finally they came to the Gallery of

Heroes and Villains.

There were the law-breakers and the lawmen who brought

them to justice.

Hunter looked them up and down.

He'd known these mugs in the flesh - and when he'd caught

them, they melted faster than these wax dummies.

Then they came to the Masked Stalkers;

"The Drooler", "Johnny Runny-nose" and "The Hook".

Hunter didn't even blink.

He knew that behind the circus costumes,

the masks and the capes, these masked terrors were

pathetic mama's boys.

Up ahead was a bend in the hall.

Hunter froze when they rounded the corner.

This is what he'd been afraid of.

The Unsolved's. The one's that got away.

Hunter knew them all.

O'Malley and Morrison and Stubbs.

He eyeballed them.

Each and every one.

He held his breath as he stepped forward,

close to the velvet rope.

There was a new rogue on display.

Clad in Ninja black - his only identifying mark

was his hand - with Six Fingers.

Hunter drew a breath.

Then the lights went out.

The hall was plunged into pitch darkness.

The missus screamed.

Hunter grabbed for her - but felt a third person

brush by them.

In a moment it was over.

The lights flicked on.

They were still alone - standing in the Gallery.

Only now, the missus was gasping for breath -

clutching her neck.

"What is it dollface - What's wrong?" he asked.

"The ice. It's gone..."

Her diamond necklace had been snatched

from her throat.

"I heard a scream. Is everybody all right?"

It was the manager - running through the gallery.

"The lights went out and someone snatched my wife's

diamond necklace", said Hunter.

"Oh dear", said the manager.

"We'd better call the police."

"I am the police", snapped Hunter.

He turned, looking back at the display.

That's when he noticed something peculiar about the

security guard snoozing in the corner.

"Mind if I use your phone..."

Reinforcements arrived moments later.

No chance of a slip up this time.

Hunter stealthily crept up on the crook.

Ingenious.

Where better to hide than in a gallery of the country's

most wanted criminals?

The guard was still sawing wood when Hunter

snapped the cuffs on him.

"Caught ya nappin', Six Finger!" said Hunter,

jerking the handcuff with a snap.

That's when Hunter realized that he'd just arrested

a wax dummy.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Hunter?

He took a good ribbing from the Vegas P.D.

who never did find the missus' missing ice.

But y'know? The funny thing was -

next morning the wax dummy of Six Finger

was missing!

Gone from the Heroes and Villains Gallery.

Missing without a trace...

Anybody out there want to marry a millionaire maggot?

It's awfully hot in here.

[sigh]

Gently.

¶¶¶