Original subtitles

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LARRY: As a public service, Freaky Stories brings you...

The Freaky News.

Our man in the capital. Tonight.

Big weather system on the way.

We'll show it to you.

Big upsets in sports. Stay tuned.

Bank robbery downtown.

We'll tell you all about it.

Scandal in the suburbs. Coming up.

Hey, are we ever gonna do the news here?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Jonah was a sandlot slugger.

He was the best player in our neighborhood baseball

league.

Which is a good thing, because he lived for the sport.

I mean really lived for it.

Jonah ate, breathed, slept, even drank baseball.

There was nothing he'd rather do in his whole life

than play a game of baseball.

Which was a good thing too, because his team was headed

straight for the inter-league championship.

And the great thing was, Jonah's parents couldn't

have been happier.

He never saw them more excited.

They were even more excited about it than he was.

No other parents came close to being as dedicated

and supportive as Jonah's mom and dad.

Jonah went to bed early because there was a practice

in the morning.

But in the middle of the night Jonah woke up.

He was hearing strange noises.

He followed the noise, tiptoeing down the stairs

and into the basement.

That's when he saw something he never noticed.

A light, some sort of eerie,

scary kind of light.

He could see it through those tiny holes in the

pegboard walls of dad's workshop.

There was a room back there.

A room that Jonah never saw before -

and Mom and Dad were back there.

A secret room?

Why would they keep it a secret from him?

Jonah tried to get a peek but there was something on

the other side of the wall, blocking his view.

Whatever was going on - his folks were real intense

about it.

So the next day, when his parents were at work -

Jonah snuck down the stairs to the basement.

All he had to do was find the door to the secret room.

He poked around Dad's workbench,

there must be a hidden lever - just like on TV.

He tried turning things, pressing secret buttons

under the bench - but nope.

Jonah headed up the stairs and stopped to turn out the light.

That's when he noticed his old T-ball plaque was crooked.

He leaned over, straightened it and,

he heard a creaking sound.

He turned around - just in time to see:

a door swing open.

A secret door!

And behind it was a secret workshop.

It was a long, low room, filled with workbenches

and shiny machines.

There were drill presses, computers

and all kinds of stuff.

Kind of reminded him of an old Frankenstein movie

he saw on TV.

And Trophies!

But whose trophies?

Jonah had no idea that his Dad ever won anything.

He was supposed to be the Champion of the family.

But sitting there in front of him was a whole big

display case stuffed with silver trophies and things.

Jonah kept exploring.

Then he turned the corner - and saw them...

Robots - all lined up in glass cases.

The first one was the Mark I.

It looked like a robot from a Science Fiction movie.

But some of the wiring was ripped out...

The Mark II was better.

Not really human, but closer.

It looked kind of like a doll.

Jonah opened the case and poked at it.

It had a hard plastic skin and hair.

But it's wiring was gone too.

The Mark III was even better.

It had rubber skin and the eyes almost looked real.

But you know what?

It had the same wiring problem.

There was an empty space where the next robot should be.

The robot that should have been there - I guess it was

the Mark IV - was missing.

But on the workbench there was something under a sheet.

Jonah switched on the light.

There were plans that read, "Mark V".

He pulled back the sheet.

The Mark V robot looked just like him.

There were a few parts lying around.

It was almost finished...

And that's when Jonah realized that he

was the Mark IV robot - and the Mark V was his replacement!

A Baseball Playing, Championship - Winning Robot!

Hey! It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Jonah.

Yeah, he plays baseball every chance he gets and he

still practices baseball all day - but at night --

he practices sabotage...

And now, here with the weather,

the lovely Stormy Rains.

That's me, Stormy Rains.

I live weather. I am weather.

I feel weather with every iota of my very being.

Like um...

Over here, it's going to be hot.

Whew! Wow, I can't stand the heat.

It ruins my eye liner.

And over here it's going to be cold.

Brrrr. I'm freezing!

And I think it's going to snow.

Uh-oh.

[LAUGH] That's better.

And Over here it's -- batten down the hatches --

windy!

[STRUGGLING SOUNDS]

This is a true story, it happened to a friend

of a friend of mine.

Oh, I'm friends with a lot of the kids who play in the

park where I work.

Now, Nancy was only six, but she was kind of special.

You see, she had this invisible friend named

Shirley who lived in my tool shed

over by the water fountain.

Nancy had real live friends too.

And Nancy would let them play games with Shirley.

Problem was, Shirley would always win.

They'd play tag.

And all the kids would run around until Nancy would

shout, "Shirley tagged you, you're it!"

When they played Hop Scotch,

Shirley never stepped on the line...

according to Nancy.

And Hide and Seek, well forget about it.

No one could ever find invisible Shirley,

except sometimes when Nancy would call,

"Come out, come out wherever you are.

And Shirley would come out.

Well, at least Nancy would say she did.

Well, everybody in the park, me included,

thought it was kind of cute.

Except Nancy's brother, Ned, and his pals.

They were troublemakers.

You see, Ned was nine.

And nine year old boys can be a problem,

especially if they have a little sister who gets

a whole lot more attention than they do.

Ned and the boys would tease Nancy all the time,

telling her that there was no Shirley,

and that anyone who talked to the air when they they

were supposed to be talking to a person had to be totally nutso.

The thing that pushed Nancy over the edge

was when her brother offered to help the girls

play jump rope.

Ned took one end and turned the rope as the girls,

one by one, hopped in and jumped while chanting their,

"A my name is Anna and my husband's name is Abe,

we come from Alberta and we sell Apples."

And then, "B my name," and then C and, like that.

When Shirley's turn came, she had to do the letter 'F'.

She jumped in...

according to Nancy, just when Ned jerked the rope and

He shouted, "There's no one there!"

Nancy dropped to her knees, looked down at the pavement

and said, "Look what you did.

Shirley scraped her knee."

Ned laughed and laughed.

And Nancy not only cried, she ran home

and told her mother.

Now, it just so happened that Nancy's mom had an

invisible friend when she was a little girl.

Oh, Poor Ned.

He really got it.

He was grounded for a week, with no video games.

Now imagine a nine year old boy with no space aliens

to shoot, no race cars to spin out,

no virtual basketball, virtual football or virtual

anything.

Ned made a solemn vow, then and there,

that he would get even with his little sister.

And he had a whole non-video week to plot and plan

his revenge.

He watched and he waited...

for his chance.

Then one time when Nancy went to the tool shed to

bring Shirley her dinner, like she did most every

other night, Ned and his pals were lurking behind a bush.

They watched Nancy bring some dinner leftovers.

There was meat loaf and those little roasted

potatoes that Ned loved more than any other food.

Okay, so maybe having Invisible Shirley go to bed

without dinner wasn't really getting even with Nancy,

Ned thought, but at least he had a chance to get some

more of his favorite food.

So as soon as Nancy placed the dish in front of the

tool shed and left, Ned ran up to it,

sat down and reached for a potato.

The potato was slapped out of his hand by... something.

Or... someone?

Each one of the other boys swore it wasn't them.

Could it be invisible Shirley?

Then Ned got poked in his belly.

His shoelaces seemed to untie themselves.

He started to giggle and twist himself up as if he

was being tickled...by a really nasty tickler who

just wouldn't quit.

And then, the ultimate embarrassment,

his pants got hiked up into a world class wedgie.

All the boys laughed as they watched Ned do a running

waddle with his pants pulled up his you-know-what.

The plate of leftovers was dragged into the tool shed.

Although no one could be seen dragging it.

And the door slammed closed.

As Ned and his pals ran away,

they heard "And don't come back!"

from inside the tool shed.

And yet, the tool shed was empty.

Now that was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Nancy, who's seven years old today.

Oh and so is Shirley.

I watched them share a slice of birthday cake.

Now blow out the candles...

Our papers, our script... gone!

Well, we'll just have to ad lib it.

Ah, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um. Maurice.

Oh, Uh... thank you, Larry..

And now, for what's new...

Larry.

Thanks, Maurice.

Here with the details... Maurice..

How long do we have to do this?

Until our next Freaky Story.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Maurice?

Run the story!!!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

It was cool and rainy, the summer that Brother

Benedictine joined the monks at St. Ignatious' Abbey,

located in a remote area miles from what is known as

"civilization".

It had been a long and very tiring trip,

but we welcomed the young novice to our humble home

with a hearty bowl of cold gruel and a slab

of crusty bread.

First stop on his agenda was a meeting with the holy

Father Simon.

As the doors of the chamber closed,

silent speculation ran rampant.

Was Brother Benedictine aware of the requirements of

our Abbey; prayer, penance and a vow of silence?

Yes he was.

But because of Brother Benedictine's special status

- having spent so many years of his life as part of the

outside world - Father Simon granted him

a special privilege.

Once a year, on the anniversary of his arrival,

Brother Benedictine would be permitted to utter two words

- and two words only.

The new arrival soon fell into a routine about the

Abbey with the other Monks.

Harvesting grapes, working in the winery and

transcribing the parchment scrolls.

Time passed and soon it was the first anniversary

of Brother Benedictine's entry to our little world.

He was called before the assembly of brothers

to speak his two words.

He stood tall before the congregated brethren

and thought for a moment.

Anticipation hung heavy in the room.

Then Brother Benedictine cleared his throat and spoke

out proudly.

"Hard Work."

The words echoed throughout the Great Hall.

Several of the monks in attendance nodded their

heads in agreement.

Then we went back to our tasks.

Each and every on of us with silent concentration.

The seasons passed and soon it was time for Brother

Benedictine to once again, speak his thoughts.

We gathered in the Great Hall as he took his place

before us.

A hush fell over the assemblage.

Brother Benedictine thought hard for a few minutes,

searching for the words to accurately summarize his

second year among the Brothers of Saint Ignatious'

Monastery.

And, as before, one year prior,

the audience of brothers waited with

heightened anticipation.

Then, Brother Benedictine's face brightened.

He had the answer.

But his tongue was unused to speaking after almost two

years of silence.

Struggling, he formed the words: "Lousy Food".

Again, several of the monks in attendance nodded their

heads in agreement.

Then we went back to our assigned tasks.

Alas, the seasons passed as they always do.

A time to reap, a time to sow.

A time to harvest and of course a time for study and prayer.

Brother Benedictine spent a great deal of time in his

cell - diligently studying and engaged in other

scholarly pursuits.

As spring and the third anniversary of his joining

the Abbey approached, there was a festive air around

the Monastery.

What insights would this now mature Monk share with us?

Brothers from distant Abbeys,

who'd learned of the young monk's annual ritual made

great pilgrimages to join us on this most special of days.

Finally, Brother Benedictine, led by Father Simon

took his position before the hushed masses.

He paused in thought for a time,

contemplating the universe and our place in it.

Glances of anticipation were exchanged.

Each brother on the edge of his bench,

not wanting to miss any of the two words

Brother Benedictine was about to utter.

Finally a ray of sunlight shone through the window

and once again, divine inspiration touched his brow.

His countenance brightened.

He looked up - his eyes sparkling.

And he spoke words of such insight,

such feeling - that to a man,

we were touched as we had never been before.

Brother Benedictine spoke the two words that

summarized life in the monastery as no words

had ever done.

He said, "Lumpy Beds."

The assembled throng broke out in tumultuous applause.

Brother Benedictine bowed his head modestly.

Then he held out his hands to hush the crowd.

He had something else to say.

But this was unheard of!

He was only permitted to speak two words,

once a year!

What could a monk endlessly devoted to this order

possibly have to say?

What would make him break his vow of silence?

"I QUIT!"

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And many years later, when Father Simon was asked about

the mystery of Brother Benedictine,

the good Father replied: "Good Riddance!

All he ever did was complain!"

And now our sports report.

An interview with legendary baseball star Leo de Roacher.

Welcome.

We take it one game at a time.

We just have fun out there.

We came to play.

Did I leave anything out?

We'll get 'em next time.

Oh, I keep forgettin' that one.

But I've had a pretty good year.

Well, rumor has it you're retiring.

Right. I'm goin' to sleep.

Wake me at game time.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

They called him Ox.

You didn't have to look at him twice to know why,

know what I mean?

They had a saying down at the construction site where

he worked: When the Bulldozer Breaks Down -

Get Ox!"

Well, one day, Ox was clearing off a boulder from

this building, when he hears a woman screaming for her

life inside a dilapidated old house across the street:

So without any hesitation Ox drops the overgrown rock,

and high-tails it to save the woman.

Only thing is, the door's locked.

But one measly door isn't going to stop anyone

the size of Ox.

So he gives it a swift kick.

And not only takes out the door but half the wall as well.

And there inside he finds this sweet little,

old lady, named Miss Melody, who just bought the house

a few weeks ago.

She's perched on a shaky wooden stool and pointing towards

a little mouse.

When he saw Ox he stood up on his hind legs,

fixed the giant with his beady red eyes,

put up his dukes, bared his tiny teeth,

and dared Ox to take his best shot!

Ox answered with a terrifying, "Growwlll!"

that rattled the old house - Not to mention Miss Melody.

Then the mouse charged!

But being a mouse, he scooted into his tiny hole.

Ox, who couldn't put on the brakes,

crashed right through the back wall leaving sweet

Miss Melody speechless and leaving the house

with hardly any of its back wall standing!

But like the old saying goes: "It ain't over 'till

the mouse squeaks."

With Miss Melody still planted on her stool,

Ox carefully placed a trap into the rodent's hole.

The mouse, hiding inside a maze of wiring,

watched curiously.

Then without even so much as a, "thank you!"

he snatched the cheese.

He had what surly was the fastest paw in the west.

He scarfed down the cheese by the time the trap had sprung!

Hearing the trap snap, Ox quickly pulled it out.

But instead of a dead mouse, he found that the mini-rat,

who was probably the Einstein of rodents,

had attached a live wire to the metal snapper.

The booby trap sent a jolt of electricity through Ox.

The electrically charged hulk surged around from wall

to wall, yanking out every appliance in the house.

No question about it, this round went to the mouse!

Now, I gotta warn you, next to the mule the ox

is the most stubborn animal on this good earth.

So you can imagine what went through poor Miss Melody's

mind when Ox told her to wait right there while he

went to get something from the construction site.

Well, she knew by the rumbling sound,

and by the way the ground was beginning to shake,

that whatever it was he got was bigger than a

screwdriver.

Miss Melody shook in her fuzzy pink slippers when she

saw what could only be described as a mechanical

tyrannosaurus.

It had clomping steel jaws and huge teeth that clanged

with every chomp.

The sound of crunching and smashing and demolishing

everything in its path roared through what remained

of her house.

Even caused the little mouse,

peering out from the safety of his hole,

to let out a blood-curdling "Squeeek!

Miss Melody screamed, but no one could hear her over the

bulldozer's roar as it began

chomping the little house to bits.

It left nothing but a pile of kindling,

Ox thumped his chest and shouted victoriously,

"Goodbye mouse!!!"

To which Miss Melody replied...

"And my houseeee!!!"

So much for gratitude.

But one look at the pile of rubble,

Ox realized she had a point.

He told her not to worry, that he'd build her

a new one.

And true to his word - the Ox and his crew went to work

building Miss Melody a house fit for a queen.

He even added a swimming pool.

And when they were finished,

Miss Melody thanked them with tears in her eyes.

Then she immediately planted a "FOR SALE" sigh on the

front yard.

She sold it the very next day to a stockbroker for a

cool million bucks profit.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

You can just imagine the look on Ox's face when the

little mouse suddenly appeared,

wearing a pure cashmere sweater,

and slid into the limo alongside Miss Melody

where an assortment of cheese waited on a silver plate.

That's all the news for tonight.

So...Good night, folks.

Good night.

Hey, not bad tonight, hunh?

Yeah, well, Good enough for our stupid viewers.

Yeah, anyone who watches us has gotta be a real moron.

[EVIL LAUGH]

DIRECTOR: Guys. We're still on the air.

[EMBARASSED LAUGH]

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