Original subtitles

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We got the very latest in Twenty First Century,

ultra-contemporary, high tech,

state-of-the-art, wireless internet access.

The Hand-held Wanderer.

You can get absolutely anything that exists in the

world on the internet.

Now, [clear throat] just tell me what you want here.

A piano?

You can't play the piano.

You got no hands.

Maybe that's why I can't play too good.

Hm, now, pick something else.

We'll be back with more adventures in

cyber space after this next Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Wally Willis.

He was an accountant, like me.

Well, maybe not exactly like me.

You see, Wally was a full-blown numbers freak.

He once made his entire staff work a whole holiday

weekend, because one account ledger was short

by one cent.

Cost him six thousand dollars in overtime

to find that penny.

So you can imagine Wally's reaction when he came to our

office building for the first time.

He got on the elevator...and saw that there was no button

for the thirteenth floor.

Fourteen does not come right after twelve!

Wally's brain synapses fused.

And he tried to get the elevator to stop between the

twelfth and fourteenth floors by punching a lot of

buttons, getting frustrated and pulling wires

out of the control panel.

This set off the alarm - and when the fire department

broke through the trap door, they found three terrified

passengers and a crazed accountant trying to pry

open an elevator door with his pocket protector,

screaming "I'll get to that thirteenth floor!"

He was more determined than ever to find

the missing floor!

Then he saw a window washer's platform,

and realized that he could use the ropes to pull

himself up to the thirteenth floor.

Now, normally, Wally's idea of a workout was dodging a

tax audit.

So after fifteen minutes of intense effort,

Wally's heart was beating like a pile driver,

he was practically drowning in sweat.

But Wally didn't give up.

He was driven to get to the logical and rational

conclusion, which in this case would be to find

floor number thirteen.

Sure, thirteen may be unlucky to some,

but accountants like Wally don't believe in luck.

Slowly but surely, he made it higher and higher,

then finally managed to haul himself up

those last few inches.

And as he leaned forward to look into the thirteenth

floor window he realized that he'd let go of the

rope, and was falling towards the ground!

Luckily, the building's flag pole

diverted his plummeting body.

He bounced off the entrance awning and landed in a dump

truck hauling sand.

So much for not believing in luck.

When he regained consciousness,

Wally was a man possessed.

The thirteenth floor had defeated Wally Willis twice now.

Time for this Bruised Willis to turn into Bruce Willis.

He could have shouted "Shazam!",

or slipped into a phone booth to change into tights

and cape.

But no, Wally was an accountant...a profession

most definitely devoid of super heroes.

So Wally got hold of some blueprints,

and determined that the only way left into the building

is through the sewer system.

And the only way to get through the sewer was in a

scuba suit...

Wally made it through the sewer and into the basement

of the building.

Now for phase two: crawling through the building's

ventilation systems without being detected.

After Wally's sewer adventures,

it was a good thing the building's alarm systems

weren't triggered by smell...

Still, Wally followed his blueprints,

and eventually emerged in the building's stairwell

just like he'd planned.

He was on the twelfth floor - now all he had to do was

climb up one more flight!

And with his own personal Mt. Everest

just a few feet away,

what is Wally hoping to find on the thirteenth floor?

Fame? Fortune? Respect?

Well, yeah, all those things - but mostly he was hoping

to find a men's room.

It had been a l-o-o-ong day.

But suddenly there it was.

A little door on the landing between the twelfth and

fourteenth floor.

A door.

it had to be the 13th floor door.

It did exist!

Taking a deep breath, Wally opened the door -

and saw something that took his breath away.

Numbers nerds - dozens of 'em - maybe hundreds!

Guys just like him, with bad skin and worse breath.

Guys who can remember pi to a million decimal places,

but couldn't remember to wash more than once a year.

And they turned to him as one,

and yelled out - "DON'T CLOSE THE -"

"-DOOR!"

But it was too late - the door had locked from the other side!

He was trapped - just like dozens of other deadly dull

digit detective dimwits, all of whom had found the

solution to the mystery of the missing thirteenth floor.

That was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Wally Willis.

You can think about him the next time you're in an

elevator without a button for the thirteenth floor,

just don't go leading any rescue missions for ol'

Wally - not unless you want to be the thirteenth floor's

next victim.

What are we gonna buy on the net?

Chicken nuggets.

What???

Chicken nuggets.

That's it?

This is the latest in scientific development.

And you want...

Chicken nuggets.

Why???

I never had one.

Where have you been all these years?

In the grease trap.

Uh, of course.

We'll be back with chiphead here after the next Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Tod.

Actually, it had to do more with his entire family.

Tod's dad pictured himself to be the outdoors type.

Like he was Paul Bunyon, only not so giant.

He always told stories about what a good fisherman he was

and how he once caught this twenty pound bass or that

four foot long blue fish, or a trout that was so big,

it didn't fit in his trunk.

But everyone knew he was ... "exaggerating."

Which was the nice family way of saying their dad

was a big fat liar.

Everybody thought that except for Tanya.

You see, when she wasn't playing with her doll

collection, she would tell her dad she wanted to be a

great fisherman -- okay, fisherperson.

He was so proud that he had this fatherly "role model"

influence on his kid that he decided it was time to

introduce his family to the great outdoors.

The worst part is, Tod's dad insisted the family was

going to "rough it...with one exception,

he let Tanya bring her doll case,

which made Tod learn the advantages of sucking up.

Tod's dad rented a cabin way out in the middle

of nowhere.

It was supposed to have the best fishing in the world.

Tod wondered why any creature,

even a fish, would come to a place like this.

There was no electricity.

No running water, except through the roof

when it rained.

And if you had to go to the bathroom,

there wasn't one.

There was an outhouse.

Tod and his mom hated the cabin,

couldn't stand the bugs.

They were totally grossed out by the outhouse.

And fetching water from a well is kind of cute...

in fairy tales.

In real life, let's just say,

Tod would rather die from thirst.

But Tanya loved the whole adventure.

Especially the fishing.

She toddled off down the path with her runny nose and

her toy fishing rod and reel like she really expected

to catch something.

Her dad was bursting with pride.

Tod played with his computer game in the van.

His mom spent all of her time complaining.

But Tod's dad was determined to have fun...

whether anyone liked it or not.

At the end of the day,

Tanya came back with a huge big-mouth bass

dangling from her hook.

The fish was practically as big as she was.

Dad came back with nothing.

He acted like he was thrilled with his daughter's

success.

But were his compliments a little flat?

His pride a little touched with jealousy?

Of course not.

Tanya was his offspring.

If she could catch such a big fish...fine.

Tod's dad prepared the fish,

his mom handled the barbecue and the bass was enjoyed

by all.

Even Tod, who was not a big fish lover,

kinda liked it.

Tanya gave her boring account of her catch

and described her fishing hole as

"the bestest fishing hole ever."

he next morning, Tod's dad wished his daughter good

luck, but secretly, he was bummed out.

Not because he was jealous.

Oh no, but he had a reputation to keep up.

Sure it was a reputation he made with his own "big fish"

stories, but he wasn't about to be out-fished

by his very own daughter.

Okay, so maybe when you think about it,

the guy was jealous.

He went up and down the river.

Tried here and there and everywhere.

But he got nothing.

Zip. Zero. Totally shut out.

At the end of that day, Tanya toddled back home with

another big fish on her line...

even bigger than the one she caught the first day.

They all sat around and enjoyed the fish.

Tanya's dad was all full of compliments and praise

for "his little fisherperson."

But Tod could tell, his dad wasn't as pleased

as he looked.

In fact, Tod thought, his dad seemed to be a little jealous.

Well, "a little" soon became a huge understatement.

He was determined not to let his daughter

show him up again.

So the next day, when Tanya headed off to her

"bestest fishing hole", her dad followed her.

He was pretty surprised when he realized

he didn't have far to go.

You see, Tanya headed to a little run-down shed

behind the outhouse.

Dad peeked in the window.

There was Tanya, pulling a big fish out of her doll

case which was filled with dry ice...and fish.

This was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Tod...

and his sister, Tanya, who grew up to become the owner

of Tanya's Frozen Fishstick Company.

Ah, let's see here.

Chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce.

Chicken nuggests with barbecue sauce.

Chicken nuggets with hot sauce, plum sauce-

No sauce.

Plain chicken nuggets.

You got it, pal.

Ooo! Ooo! Me! Me! Please please, can I do it?

Okay.

Go ahead, order. How many do you want?

Be my guest.

[BEEP BEEP]

See how easy.

With one tap, you just ordered...

YIKES!!!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

An old friend, Billy Baxter.

Billy "Bean Boy" Baxter.

We used to call him Bean Boy because Billy loved beans.

Really looooved beans.

That's all he ate was beans.

He was a beanaholic.

Navy beans, kidney beans, lima beans.

For breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Billy's mom did her best to make Billy's meals "normal".

She made bean casserole, bean stew,

bean omelets.

And on special occasions, beans a la king.

But there was one invisible problem.

Invisible, but you sure knew it was there.

It's what beans make you do.

My mom used to call it "passing wind".

Man, I'd hate to get caught in one of Billy's wind storms.

Billy would release his "wind" storm after he ate

beans, which I already mentioned,

was every meal.

The bad news was, the house took on a

permanent fragrance.

The good news was, they never had to call an

exterminator...

the house was permanently fumigated.

So, just about every evening,

right after dessert, when Billy was finishing his bean

pie, the whole family would don their gas masks.

They had everything worked out...lived a normal family

life, except for one little thing-after dinner,

when they sat around watching TV,

there was more than a family resemblance.

You see they all had gas mask faces.

Then came that fateful day, Mr. Baxter -that'd be

Billy's dad - was to be awarded a citation.

It seems his neighbor was overcome in her garage

by carbon monoxide.

Luckily, Mr. Baxter had his anti-Billy-gas mask,

which he used to save her life.

Unfortunately, he came home without his gas mask,

got one whiff of Billy's you-know-what and went

unconscious for three days.

He recovered in time for the big award ceremony.

He'd be getting a plaque from the mayor at a fancy dinner.

There were newspaper reporters, TV crews.

Everybody was very excited.

It was gonna be a big night.

But Billy's dad was worried his son would gas

the place and send all the big shot guests

running for their lives.

So Mr. Baxter sat Billy down and made him an offer.

If Billy would not eat beans at the dinner,

he'd get a brand new dirt bike.

It was something Billy wanted with all his heart.

You see, dirt biking was something Billy could do

with the other kids, being that you went dirt biking

outdoors. Plenty of fresh air.

And if you got yourself upwind of Billy

it was pretty bearable.

Well, the night of the dinner Billy tried to be good.

But, they happen to serve a lovely bean soufflé.

Billy couldn't resist.

One little bite.

What could that hurt?

But yummmm...

the bean soufflé was irresistible.

Billy ate all of his...

and more.

When his dad turned to greet the Mayor,

Billy ate his dad's soufflé.

Then he finished up his mom's portion.

Like I said, Billy looooved beans.

As soon as the Mayor began his speech,

Billy's belly started to rumble.

But he knew he had to control himself.

There was the dirt bike to think of.

And his father, who he didn't want to embarrass

in front of the whole world.

So he sat as stiff as he could,

not moving a muscle.

But the rumbling got louder...

and louder.

Some people thought it was thunder and went to the

windows to see if it was raining.

Up on the stage, Billy's dad could hear that

oh-so-familiar rumble.

Billy was going to explode.

As hard as he tried, Billy knew he couldn't fight the

forces of nature.

The Mayor called Mr. Baxter to the podium

and they posed.

The TV news cameras rolled.

Which is exactly when Billy blew.

The gas rushed out of him like a jet engine.

Oh yeah, it was lift off time.

Billy got launched.

He jetted around the ballroom like you let the

air out of a balloon and it goes out of control.

Well, there was Billy...

Woosh! BAM! Into the Mayor.

Woosh! BAM! Into the Mayor's wife.

Woosh! BAM! Into the ice sculpture.

It looked like a hurricane had barreled through.

Cops showed up. The Fire Department.

And the Emergency Hazardous Materials Unit

arrived to evacuate the entire neighborhood.

That was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Billy Baxter, who grew up to join

the Hazardous Materials Unit.

Oh sure, for all the good work they do,

but more important, he gets to wear one of those

completely sealed bio hazard suits,

so he can eat as many beans he wants and keep

the after-effect all to himself.

Are you nuts?

You ordered a hundred boxes of chicken nuggets.

A hundred boxes...

Why?

I wanted to answer a question that's been bugging

me ever since I first heard of chicken nuggets.

And the question is?

What part of the chicken is the nugget?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Well, two of them really.

Brothers.

Phil's eight and Ben's ten.

The trouble started when their Uncle Harry came for a visit.

Phil and Ben's dad told them,

whatever you do, Don't laugh at Uncle Harry's toupee.

That's like saying, Don't stare at the wart

on that lady's nose.

So when Uncle Harry showed up,

the boys tried to look at his big fat belly,

or his smelly cigar, or whatever.

Anything but that extra hunk of hair.

But the toupee was hard not to stare at.

It looked like a dead squirrel.

Now, Uncle Harry was one of those uncles who doesn't

come around much and all he remembers is his nephews

from when they were babies.

You know, he tells stupid baby jokes and if you don't

laugh he tickles you till you laugh so hard the milk

you just swallowed shoots out your nose.

Uncle Harry even remembered the time he changed

Phil's diaper like it was some major event.

Oh yeah...

Uncle Harry along with all the great things he believed

he was, thought he was an animal expert.

He tried to teach Romeo, that's the family dog,

how to stand up and beg for a treat.

Romeo thought a family dog should not have to beg.

So he ran out his doggie door.

Uncle Harry said Romeo was too dumb to learn tricks and

turned his attention to Juliet, the cat.

Well, cats are not stupid when it comes to big old blowhards.

She saw that gleam in Uncle Harry's eye and bailed

right out after Romeo.

By then, Uncle Harry wore himself out being so amusing

and decided to take a nap.

Now Romeo was as annoyed with Uncle Harry as anyone.

And since the dog was not a relative of Harry,

he didn't have to be nice to him.

So while Harry was napping, Romeo jumped in the window

and stole Uncle Harry's toupee.

Luckily, Phil looked out the window in time to see Romeo

take off down the street.

He got Ben and the boys chased after the dog.

Romeo looked kind of silly, running down the street with

this limp piece of black fur hanging out of his mouth.

Like he was some kind of hunting dog who just caught

something.

The chase went on across back yards,

through parking lots and even into the park where

Romeo tried to hide behind a tree.

But another dog, a much bigger dog,

wanted the tree for his own personal use.

So Romeo was off and running.

He took a sharp left and scooted into

Mrs. Fiorello's back yard.

The boys ran past the house, but then realized Romeo

must have pulled that old trick of his...

Anyway, when the boys got to the Fiorello's back yard,

there was Romeo, wagging his little tail,

proud as could be, sitting on a mound of dirt.

They knew right away it was the toupee's grave

Romeo was sitting on.

Much to Romeo's disappointment,

Phil and Ben dug up the ratty hunk of fake hair.

It was even rattier coming out of the ground

than it was going in.

It seems that Mrs. Fiorello had done some natural

fertilizing of her lawn.

Natural. Like... it really stunk... awful.

When the boys got back to the house,

Uncle Harry was still snoring away.

Phil and Ben tried to wash the toupee by hand.

But to do that they would have to touch all that

yuchy fertilizer still stuck to it.

Yuck.

So they tossed it in the washing machine.

Phil and Ben don't know about Delicate cycles

and Permanent Press settings.

So after the machine pounding and an hour in the

dryer, that toupee was nothing but a naked piece of

tumble-dried hair net.

Dinner! their dad announced.

Phil and Ben had to think of something quick.

And they did.

When they all sat down to dinner,

there was Uncle Harry, looking as good as

Uncle Harry could look...

complete with all his fake hair.

Like he didn't have a clue his toupee had gone through

an obstacle course.

And everybody was once again forcing themselves

to laugh at his bad jokes.

So Harry was pretty happy.

That is, until the boys' mom came out with the main course,

a beautiful baked salmon.

That's when Juliet leaped off Uncle Harry's head,

grabbed a hunk of salmon and dove out the doggie door.

That was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

actually two friends, Phil and Ben,

who changed their Uncle Harry's life forever.

He became a star, kind of, when he got the lead part in

the Community House production of The King and I.

[DISGUSTING EATING NOISES]

Last one.

LARRY: All gone.

You just pulled one of your dumbest stunts.

Now, are you satisfied?

MAURICE: Just a minute.

[BURP]

Now I'm satisfied.

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