Original subtitles

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One iddy-biddy baby step for mankind.

One giant step for us maggots.

What are you talkin' about?

And what's that space helmet?

Well, you have to wear one when you're out in space.

Duh!

I went to talk to a maggot on Venus.

He imagines he goes places.

This is not my imagination. And I'll prove it.

I set up a remote camera...

On Venus?

Well, if you want to talk to a maggot on Venus,

would I set up a camera on Saturn?

Ugh. Here's a Freaky Story.

And then...

The Venus maggot!

[SIGH] Yeah.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Special Agent Wolf Muddler and his partner,

Special Agent Deena Skelly.

Muddler and Skelly were called into the office of

Deputy Director Spanner and were given an assignment.

Investigate a forest fire deep in the

cascade mountains.

Objective: uncover the identity of a man

found unconscious at the scene, dangling from a charred

tree, outfitted in full scuba gear.

And there was no body of water for miles around.

Since the case defied explanation,

it fell into the category of the Y-Files.

Muddler and Skelly set off for the mountains,

once again at odds from the outset.

Muddler was ready to accept any weird supernatural

explanation while his partner,

Skelly, was pragmatic and assumed there would be a

sound, scientific solution.

When the man in scuba gear regained consciousness,

he was interrogated by the agents.

He seemed to be suffering from amnesia.

The local Sheriff asserted his authority

and arrested the man.

Charged him with arson, since he was found at the

scene of what had been a large forest fire.

Ollie, the Sheriff's ten year old son,

said he might know where the mystery man came from.

But the Sheriff was too busy to listen...

he was working with the F.B.I.,

an honor not available to many law enforcement

officers.

So the Sheriff, even though his son was with him,

tried to ignore the boy, kind of pretend he wasn't

there, so as not to distract the investigators,

which in this case included him,

from solving the mystery.

Muddler and Skelly began their forensic investigation

of the scene...

in the dark, working with flashlights.

And, as always, there was fog.

They could have gone in daylight,

but Muddler and Skelly like to add a touch of mystery

to every, um, mystery.

And flashlight beams spiking through the night had become

their trademark.

The Sheriff tagged along, not just to be in the

proximity of the big time agents.

He really hoped he could help.

And Ollie, no matter what excuse his dad could make to

have him stay at home, tagged along as well,

just for the fun of it.

The agents found the area to be damp and soggy

and scattered with fragments of Pacific Salmon.

Did the man expect to barbecue the salmon?

Did he get all done up in his scuba gear

for the occasion?

Was he expecting a heavy rain?

Ollie stood near by and, as the agents voiced their

theories, shook his head.

Of course, his dad reminded everyone he was just a kid,

so no one paid any attention.

It was at this point that Agent Muddler sought an

answer to a more immediate question:

How does a guy keep from starving around here?

The Sheriff suggested Ollie take Muddler

into town to see what they could find.

And maybe, Skelly suggested, he could pick up a pizza.

Ollie shook his head and he said,

"The pizza stinks."

His dad dismissed the comment, noting,

"He doesn't know, he's just a kid."

While Muddler and Ollie were gone,

Agent Skelly found the mystery man's wallet.

It seems he was an oceanographer.

If he was he studying the plight of Pacific Salmon,

why was he in the forest?

The mystery was becoming more and more mysterious.

Muddler returned with Ollie and the pizza

which, as Ollie had indicated, stunk.

The kid knew his pizza.

Even if he was "only a kid."

Then Muddler reeled off his theory.

The oceanographer had somehow tied the depletion

of the Pacific Salmon stock to forest fires.

He possibly suspected, Muddler suggested,

that the salmon were being transported to the forest by

aliens in order to develop a salmon hybrid.

A half-salmon, half grizzly bear.

The aliens would end up with a bear who would never go

hungry because he could eat himself.

Ollie listened with great interest.

As most ten year olds, he was fascinated

with science fiction.

Still, when Muddler or Skelly would express one of

their theories, Ollie would shake his head, no.

Skelly had a scientific explanation.

Perhaps there was an underground river,

right under the forest, and the oceanographer got caught

in it while researching his salmon.

Then the forest fire caused the river to boil,

shooting a jet stream - and the diver -

up onto the charred trees.

This theory was punctuated by another head shake from Ollie.

Muddler and Skelly had reached a dead end.

Neither agent could come up with another theory.

As they stared into space despondently,

their eyes fell on Ollie.

Why not ask Ollie?

The kid knew stuff.

He was right about the pizza.

Ollie said he was impressed by their theories,

but what actually happened was,

the water all around them came from one of those

planes that picks up water from the ocean and dumps it

on forest fires.

This time, it picked up the diver,

who was in the ocean, and dumped him on the fire,

along with the water.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Special Agent Wolf Muddler, and his partner

Deena Skelly, who returned to headquarters to place the

case in their Y-Files...

as in "Why didn't I think of that?"

Or did you?

Hello. Venus Maggot.

Can you hear me?

Loud and clear.

I gotta say, you look exactly like I expected you to look.

All Venus Maggots don't look like me.

Some are pink, some are kind of orange,

some are bluish.

Bluish?

Some of my best friends are bluish.

Tell me, what do you do?

I'm in gromlick school.

You know, studying to be a gromlick.

Gromlick?

Yeah, gromlick, you know, they look in maggot's

mouths, look in maggot's ears.

Play golf every Wednesday...

Doctor! You're a doctor.

Makes my mother proud.

And I get to meet nice bluish girls.

Is it time for another Freaky Story?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

two of them.

They were really closer than friends.

Barry and Harry.

Identical twins.

From the beginning, Barry and Harry were always doing

the "twin thing", pretending to be each other,

especially when things went wrong.

And with these fun-loving twins,

something always did.

A broken window, a flooded basement.

a chocolate-covered cat.

It was hard to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt,

which one was guilty.

By the time they went off to university,

they registered as one student, Barry.

So only one of them had to be in class at any one time.

They were pretty smart, so one being in class only half

the time, while his twin brother was sleeping in,

worked just fine.

Barry was a wiz in English and History.

Harry aced math and science.

Depending on how you look at it,

Barry, or Barry and Harry, was,

or were, phi beta cappa.

And when "Barry" got a part time job at the burger joint, he...

only one of them, I couldn't tell who,

would have to show up at work while the other had the

luxury of sleeping in.

It was in their senior year that Barry --

the actual, real Barry -- fell in love with Carrie,

the loveliest, brightest, wittiest girl he ever met.

And the loveliest, brightest, wittiest girl Harry ever met.

Oh yeah, the twins did their "thing" with Carrie too.

You see, Carrie had what they like to call "eclectic taste".

You know, she liked all sorts of very different

kinds of things.

Carrie loved the ballet.

Barry hated the ballet.

Fortunately, Harry enjoyed it.

Off they would go, Carrie and Harry,

to watch a guy in tights throw some skinny girl around.

Carrie also enjoyed good jazz.

And Harry, well, he didn't dig it.

Barry, on the other hand, was totally cool.

So Barry and Carrie spent many a night in some club

listening to the mellow strains of a

moody saxophone.

On Hockey Night, Carrie would be in front of the TV

with Harry.

World Series time, it was Carrie and Barry

watching the games.

At the gym, it was Carrie and Harry.

At a poetry reading, Carrie and Barry.

Although Carrie didn't know she was dating two guys,

it worked out pretty well for her too.

Whatever she liked to do-- Carrie's "boyfriend",

one of them, would like it too.

Carrie was sure she would never find anyone

with such similar taste.

So when Barry (I think it was actually Barry)

asked her to marry him, she said, "Yes."

Barry and Harry were thrilled.

Not only because they would have such a wonderful wife,

but with the system they had going they could be more

attentive than most husbands and still spend lots of time

"out with the boys."

Now, watching all this happening -- oh yes,

I watched it all, very closely indeed --

I have to say, I thought there was something wrong with it.

I don't know, I couldn't see such a nice girl like Carrie

being fooled like that.

But things have a way of working out.

You see, by the time the wedding day rolled around,

Barry and Harry had their "twin thing" worked out perfectly.

So perfectly, they...

one of them, could get through a day of quality

time together with Carrie at the gym,

a picnic, a foreign film and a midnight snack...

while spending the same day alone at the race track,

a football game and a wrestling match.

Barry and Harry got so good at it,

they could handle their schedules

without even thinking.

Eveything became instinctive.

But sometimes when you stop thinking,

your instinct can get you in trouble.

As did Barry's.

Oh yeah, AND Harry's instinct too.

They were so "intense" they fouled up in the same way.

Barry thought Harry would be the groom at the wedding.

Harry thought Barry would be the groom.

So Barry was at a baseball game while Harry

was at the art museum...

while Carrie was at the church.

Alone.

From the museum, Harry called Barry to find out how

the wedding was going.

"Wedding??? Aren't YOU at the wedding???"

"YIKES!!!"

Both of them made a mad dash for the church.

Poor Carrie, they thought.

How embarrassing to be left at the altar.

But when Berry and Harry, both panicked [GASP]

and out of breath [GASP]

finally showed up [GASP]

there was Carrie, leaving the church,

on the arm of her new husband, Larry...

who looked EXACTLY like Barry...

or Harry, if you like.

This was a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Actually two friends, Barry and Harry.

Okay, they were closer than friends.

They were my brothers.

That's right, "brothers."

You see Barry, Harry, and me,

Larry, we were triplets...

and I was the one separated at birth.

Are you still there?

Well, until my saucer comes along.

I'm going to visit my friend on Mars.

Ain't that the red planet?

Well, you know what makes it red?

Tell our audience, why is the planet Mars red?

Ketchup.

Ketchup?

Are you sure you're a maggot from Venus?

What do I look like?

You look my idiot sidekick.

Hey! Who's an idiot?

You are.

Now get yourself back here.

Beam me to the set, Scottie.

We'll figure this out right after our next Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

a guy in high school named Daryl,

a nice enough guy.

But he had a few strikes against him.

First of all he was cheap, second he wore glasses

thicker than the lens of the Hubble telescope,

and worst of all, he was downright vain!

Which is hard to do when you look geeky.

But when Daryl looked in the mirror,

with his inch-thick glasses on - which had to be on

so he could see himself - what Daryl saw was a hunk.

On weekends Daryl tried his best to be a "chick magnet".

One weekend while at the amusement park,

Daryl bumped into a girl named Brittany.

Literally, bumped into her.

His glasses were gone, as was his pocket protector,

and even his "Bill Gates" hairdo.

Brittany asked him where his glasses were.

Fighting back a squint, he said he really didn't

need glasses at all.

But Daryl still very much needed his specs,

but he figured his chances of meeting girls were better

without them.

Whenever Brittany wasn't looking,

he'd sneak his glasses on to get his bearings.

Just as quick, he'd whip them off before

she could catch him.

Glasses or no glasses, Daryl's true wimpiness came out.

They rode the kiddy merry-go-round

and Daryl screamed.

They rode the little rowboats,

and Daryl screamed.

They rode the ponies, and...

yes Daryl screamed.

Bored with all the kiddy rides,

Brittany suggested they go on a ride which actually

warranted some screams.

The roller coaster.

Daryl was dead set against it,

especially after sneaking a peak at it with his glasses on.

But all Brittany had to do was question his masculinity

and "Mr. Macho" caved in.

They got on the coaster.

From the moment they boarded,

before they even moved an inch,

Daryl screamed.

And when they started, he shrieked and screeched

some more.

And then when they were at the very top of the tallest

peak of the ride, Brittany said,

"hey look, you can see for miles up here!"

That got Daryl's attention.

He stopped screaming for a second,

whipped on his specs and took a good long look.

While he was gazing, the coaster wizzed down the

steep drop, It dove with such speed,

the wind whipped off Daryl's glasses.

They just flew away.

After the ride Daryl was wobbling around

in a pool of tears and slobber.

Brittany finally had her fill of Daryl ...

and she split.

Daryl was completely dejected.

Without his glasses he couldn't even glance in a

shop window and imagine his reflection

was not a wimpy nerd.

One of the midway "carnys" saw Daryl feeling his way

around and felt sorry for him.

He knew a guy who couldn't see,

couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a baseball.

So he offered Daryl three throws for free to knock

over the three milk bottles.

I guess luck finally found Daryl.

Daryl obliterated every one of those milk bottles!

The carny couldn't believe it and reluctantly

handed over that week's prize: one real, live turtle.

The overjoyed and highly nearsighted Daryl grabbed

the prize without even realizing what it was and

ran off before the carny could tell him

how to take care of it!

Two weeks later, Daryl was at the amusement park again,

and for a second time, he bumped into Brittany.

Only this time he could see.

He had a brand new pair of designer glasses.

Remembering the embarrassment of the last

time she tried to give him the brush off,

they were both a bit uncomfortable.

But Daryl assured Brittany that he would keep his

glasses on, and said that he was going to

"treat her to a free lunch".

Well Brittany was hungry and Daryl was so pitiful.

w\Why not?

For once Daryl was being generous!

Well, kinda.

First he hurried back to the same throwing game.

Assuming that his lack of vision was the trick

last time, Daryl removed his glasses.

He wound up and sure enough, threw three perfect pitches

knocking off the milk bottles, a second time!

Brittany was impressed.

Daryl slipped his glasses back on and beamed.

The Carny begrudgingly handed him

a stuffed teddy bear.

Daryl looked very disappointed and blurted out

that he wanted the same prize he won the week before

a delicious chicken sandwich on a crusty kaiser roll!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Daryl.

He's not so vain about his glasses now,

he wears them all the time.

Even when he sleeps.

No, that was you on the monitor.

Can't be, because I'm me.

Will you stop tryin' to fool the audience.

Hey, Maurice, next time bring me a pastrami sandwich.

How about another Freaky Story?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

The Amazing Miranda, back when she was fifteen.

That's what Miranda called herself when she put on her

tuxedo and top hat to do her magic act for little kids'

birthday parties.

And, uh, truth is, she was pretty amazing.

Regular magician stuff.

But she did it pretty good.

Every kid in the neighborhood wanted

The Amazing Miranda to perform at their party.

At one nine-year-old's birthday party,

Miranda was putting on a spectacular show.

The kids were going wild.

After the party, Baxter, one of the kids there,

told Miranda that he thought she was the most amazing

magician he had ever seen...

which Miranda, like any magician,

liked to hear.

Besides, Baxter, with his bright orange hair,

was so sweet, flashing a big toothy smile.

And to make it all so much sweeter,

Baxter asked for Miranda's autograph.

She thought that was so cool

to actually have like a fan club.

Okay, a fan club of one.

So Baxter begged Miranda to tell him how she did

the pulling a rabbit from her hat trick,

Miranda, who thought Baxter was the cutest little thing,

couldn't resist.

She showed him the false bottom of her top hat,

where she hid the rabbit.

Miranda would soon learn what every magician knows:

no matter how cute your big fan is,

never, never-ever tell anybody how a trick is done.

At the very next party, Baxter was there.

He got up, just when Miranda was about to pull the rabbit

from her hat and he just blurted it all out.

You know, about the false bottom of her top hat.

You see, behind the freckles,

Baxter was a nasty, jealous brat.

Still, with his big smile and his big eyes and his

totally innocent kind of look,

he was able to get Miranda again.

Baxter said he was sorry.

That little redhead could make himself look all

ashamed, so when he apologized to Miranda,

she kind of melted.

And he said he didn't know what came over him and he'd

never do anything like that again.

And then he had the nerve to ask Miranda

to show him how she did the Chinese ring trick.

Can you imagine?

Miranda may have been amazing sometimes,

but she was also not very bright...

sometimes.

She actually showed Baxter the secret separation in one

of the rings and how she kept her thumb over it to

hide it while she slipped the other rings through.

And wouldn't you know it, her next party was for

nine year olds.

And who was there?

Your guessed it.

Nasty little, freckle-faced, red-headed Baxter,

flashing his big toothy fake smile and batting his

big innocent-looking eyes.

He stood right up and told all the kids how

Miranda did the ring trick.

And the kids, well they got a little less amazed

with Miranda's magic powers.

Then, if you can believe it,

Baxter apologized to Miranda... again.

And he swore he wouldn't do it again... again.

And what did Miranda do?

She forgave him.

That's when Baxter went a little too far.

Miranda did this trick where she put a bird in a

box, made some kind of red puff of smoke

and the bird would disappear.

It was a weird-looking bird, black feathers and a very

long beak.

Sort of like Larry Jacobs who used to live around here.

And good riddance, since all Larry did was annoy Miranda.

Anyway, no big surprise at this point,

Baxter asked Miranda how she did the disappearing bird trick.

Without the slightest bit of hesitation,

she told him that there's this red button on the back

of the box.

And when you push it, you can see how the fake walls

flip in to hide the bird.

"So whatever you do," she warned Baxter,

"Don't touch that button."

Next party...

everything went pretty much the same as it went all the

other times Miranda did her act.

Only this time, when Baxter jumped up to say,

"I know how she makes the bird disappear,

Miranda didn't seem too upset.

Baxter ran up to the box with the weird bird in it...

and he pushed the red button.

And POOF!

A puff of smoke. Baxter was gone.

Disappeared.

The kids applauded and hooted and hollered.

It was a great trick.

Miranda was truly amazing.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

The Amazing Miranda, who I found out later spends most

nights in her basement, over a bubbling cauldron mixing

spirit plasma with eye of newt and wing of bat,

cooking up a brew to feed her new bird...

The one with the red hair and freckles

and a big toothy smile.

I guess you were right.

Mars is the red planet.

Oh, I'm not on Mars, I'm in another diner,

under the heat lamp.

YIKES!!!

[LAUGH]

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