All language subtitles for Freaky Stories - 2x13 - Pirates Choc-Roaches Femme Fatale Dear Mother and Father_Legendas01.ENG

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Hey, this is
your lucky night.

We got some great stories.

In fact the first story, is all
about this really great...

Come on, Bob...yeah, yeah.
Come on Bob, come on Bob...

What's this?...
What the..?

Maurice, we're doin'
a show here! Hello?

Don't be afraid,
Bob, he may look weird,

but he's just a
harmless cockroach.

Bob?

Who's Bob?

Oh, Bob.
My dog.

Come on Bobby, come
on boy, come on Bob -

This I gotta see.
Right after our first story.

Zis is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine,

Dr. Werner Von Bunsenburner.

I used to see Werner every
year at the League of Mad

Scientists
convention in Poughkeepsie,

but even for a
mad scientist,

Werner vas fou-fou crazy.

He vas alvays going on about
how he vas going to preserve

his brain so he
could live forever.

Ve all laughed and told
him he vas crazier than a

zoup zandwich.

All of us other mad
scientists knew zat ze real

money vas in creating
products for late night

infomercials.

But Werner vas determined.

He turned his back on the
League of Mad Scientists

and verked night and day on his
brain preserving invention.

He vent vithout food,
vithout sleep --

even vithout television!

I TOLD you he vas crazy.

But he got his
machine to verk!

He managed to zap his
own brain into a jar,

where ze special preserving
liquid would keep it alive

forever!

Okay, but zere
vas a problem.

You see, his brain was
in zis jar on a shelf,

and it had to stay there
vith nothing to do.

It vas connected up to
a voice synthesizer,

but zere vas no
one to talk to.

You know, without a
body, immortality zucks.

So he vas imprisoned in zis
jar on his own for veeks,

months, years!

He vas going out of his mind
because he couldn't go out

of his mind, if you follow.

And Werner's lab
never got any visitors,

so Werner resigned himself
to living ze rest of his

long, long life all alone -

until a burglar came crashing
through his vindow.

Werner zaw this as a
golden opportunity.

He could use his machine
to svitch brains with the

burglar and escape...

all he had to do vas
lure the burglar into it.

Zo, using his
voice synthesizer,

Werner made an announcement.

"Attention", he zaid.

"Zis is the
computerized alarm system.

Do not go near ze vall safe.

Repeat. Do not attempt to
open the vall safe where

all ze valuables are."

Vell, ze
burglar's face lit up,

and he vent right over
to vot he thought

vas the vall safe.

"No! Don't do it!

You'll be sorry!",
yelled ze brain,

trying to suppress its glee.

Ze burglar turned ze
vheel to open ze safe,

and ze brain-sucking machine
came down from ze ceiling

onto his head.

Ze burglar's brain
vound up in ze jar.

But even better, Werner's
brain vas sucked into ze

body of ze burglar!

At last, he had
a body again.

He could interact with
the rest of the vorld!

He ran outside for ze
first time in years.

Oh, ze zweet
smell of fresh air!

[ACHOO!]

Ze sounds of nature!

Ze feel of ze cool,
green grass under his feet!

Yes, for ze first time in
years Werner could enjoy all

the smells, sounds
and sensations

the vorld had to offer.

But zen Werner saw something
really sensational...

Ze first Fraulein he
had seen in decades!

Zis must be love,
thought Werner!

He stood zere transfixed,
trying to muster ze courage

to go over to her --
zen he discovered why

he couldn't move!

He vas zurrounded by
policemen who put him in

handcuffs and leg irons!

You see, ze burglar who
broke into Werner's office

vas vanted for a
series of robberies,

and Werner's new face and
fingerprints pointed to him

being ze burglar.

Werner couldn't convince ze
police that he vas no thief,

just an honest, mad
scientist trapped in the

body of a habitual criminal.

In fact, ze judge vas
so disgusted at Werner's

ridiculous claims she
decided he must pay ze

maximum penalty for ze
burglar's crimes -

life in solitary confinement!

Zat vas a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine,

Dr. Werner Von Bunsenburner.

He got burnt, all right
-- he escaped his jar,

only to end up in ze jig.

Heh!
Some dog you got.

He won't even come
when you call him.

Well, he's cute, but
he's not too bright.

You're not too bright.
He's a dog!

Just drag him in here!

Ohh!
I want him to love me.

You drag him in.

All right.

Get over here!

Maurice!
This dog is...

I love him so
very, very much.

Huh?!

How am I gonna tell him his
pet dog ain't a real dog?

This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

Ruth Smedley, a
chemistry Professor.

The college had a reputation
for discovering some of the

brightest stars in
the world of academia.

But from time to time a
student came along that

one would recognize as a
black hole in the bunch.

In this particular
case there were two.

Peter and Paul were perhaps
the most obnoxious young

trouble-makers to ever set
foot in those hallowed halls

of higher learning.

They were chemistry
majors, but most of their

experiments were performed
outside the laboratory.

And they usually involved
members of the periodic

table of elements that could
be combined to make the most

obnoxious sounds,
offensive sights,

and nauseating odors.

First it was bubbles
in the school fountain.

Good clean fun you say?

Ha ha!

Then the
washroom stink-o-rama.

There was nothing
clean about that.

Then the floating
food in the cafeteria,

uplifting for a
moment perhaps,

but ultimately ending in
a vile, sticky mess.

There was little doubt
amongst the faculty and

student body as to who
were the architects

of all the mayhem.

But Peter and Paul seemed
to have skin like Teflon.

No one could pin the blame
on them and make it stick.

By year's end, Peter and
Paul were still holding on

to passing grades,
much to the chagrin

of Professor Smedley.

It irked her to no end that
these thorns in her side

kept coming up
smelling like roses.

She couldn't wait to see
the backs of their fat heads

heading out the door
for the last time.

It was the night before the
important final examination.

Figuring they could easily
keep up their 'D' grade on

the final, Peter and Paul
decided that instead of

studying like
other students,

they'd sneak out for one
last night of bone-headed

buffoonery.

Their venue of choice on
this particular evening was

the women's dormitory.

Their goal, as always,
was to wreak havoc for no

particular
reason whatsoever.

For Peter and Paul, it
was a night to remember.

Unfortunately, they failed
to remember to set

their alarm.

They made a mad dash
to the auditorium,

but by the time they
got to the exam room,

it was all over.

They'd missed it.

Their hi-jinx had
finally caught up with them.

Their parents would kill
them if they didn't at least

get passing grades.

Or at least make them
pay back the rather hefty

tuition fees.

They had to think fast, so
they did the only thing they

could do under
the circumstances.

They threw themselves at the
mercy of Professor Smedley.

And together they conjured
up the most unbelievable

crock about going away to
a retreat and studying for

hours...getting so involved
in their research that they

barely had enough
time to get back.

But wouldn't you know it,and
much to their horror,

they got a flat tire!

And of course, the
car had no spare,

and on and on they went,
deeper into their lie.

To Peter and
Paul's surprise,

when they looked up
at Professor Smedley,

she seemed to be buying it.

"In fact," she said, "I'm
going to give you boys a

second chance to
improve your year end mark.

Yes, I'll let you take the
exam...and it's going to be

worth a hundred
percent of your grade."

Needless to say, the boys
couldn't believe their luck.

Yes, this was
their finest hour.

They'd pulled one
over on Smedley!

But even better, now they
might get decent marks which

would definitely
impress their folks.

Not bad after goofing
around for three years.

So the boys hit the books
and pulled an agonizing

all-nighter.

The next morning Peter and
Paul were all set to ace

the final exam.

They arrived right on time.

Professor Smedley gave them
each an exam booklet with

their name on it.

It seemed strange to Peter
and Paul that she put them

in separate rooms.

The first question was
worth five percent and was a

no-brainer about what
chemical compounds could be

mixed together to form
different types of gasses.

Neither boy had a
problem with that one.

The next question, worth
ninety five percent of the

year's final mark,
was not nearly so easy,

oh no.

It was just four simple
words and it had the boys

completely flummoxed.

The question read,
'Which tire was flat?'

This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

As for Peter and Paul they
never did graduate but they

were able to eke out a
meager existence doing what

they did best...

clowning around.

I gotta tell ya...

Isn't he the sweetest, cutest
most darling little fella?

Oh, man, the truth is
gonna break his heart.

Did you want to tell
me something, Larry?

Uh...later.
Uh, roll the next story.

Okay...good boy!

This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

Smelly Kelly's this guy from
the neighbourhood, right?

Got his nickname for,
eh, obvious reasons.

See, Smelly Kelly
worked in the sewers

and what's more, he liked it.

It's what makes you happy
that counts, right?

But Smelly wasn't gonna
get rich and famous

hanging around down there.

Yeah, well, that's what
we all thought, too.

But see, one day Old Man
Grisnat sent for Smelly Kelly.

Smelly went right up to
the miser's mansion

on the upper West Side.

Now anyone who read a paper
could tell you 'bout Grisnat.

Rich, rich, rich and
mean, mean, mean.

This guy closed an orphanage
once to open a drive-through

yogurt shack.

Smelly Kelly was
ushered in the front door.

And he stopped dead.

Cause at the top the stairs
was the most beautiful girl

Smelly had ever seen.

Their eyes locked for a
split second, see...

but then the butler shoved
Smelly into the master's

study, mostly
in self defense.

Ohhh, the girl
was a real beauty.

Right out of
Smelly's league.

The crinkly old miser sat
there and he got right to

the point.

"I want you to map me out
the whole underground

of the city," he said.

"Never been done
in a hundred years!

Gonna buy the whole thing
and charge the public

by the flush!
[LAUGHS]

Smelly was excited, right?

He was already dreaming
about all the caverns of

putrid slime and rivers of
sludge no one had ever seen.

Smelly didn't think twice
about quitting his job with

the city right
there and then.

And he was down
there for months.

Years even.

Never saw daylight
for weeks on end!

Packs of rats started
following him around

as he criss-crossed through
the underground maze.

Slipping through traps no
one even knew were there.

Ducking through grids no
wider than a river snake's

behind.

But one day, finally,
the maps were done!

Smelly was a sewer
genius, right?

But he was broke.

So he took a three hundred
year old viaduct to an

ancient set of stairs
and popped out in Old Man

Grisnat's laundry room.

But this is where everything
went bad for Smelly, right?

He and his putrid odor
hauled themselves into the

old man's den,
presented him the best,

stinkiest set of sewer
maps anyone ever saw...

And the Old Man
just kicked him out.

Seems he lost
interest in the whole deal,

like hours after
Smelly went underground!

Just never
bothered to tell the guy.

Oh, and, eh, he wasn't
paying him neither.

Smelly tried getting his
job back with the city,

but his old co-workers
found his new aroma

a little hard to take.

He was on the street
when the news hit.

"Billionaire's
Granddaughter Swept Away!"

It seems Old Man Grisnat's
granddaughter's Diamond

necklace fell off and went
right down an open manhole.

The kid reached in
for it, and boom,

down she went too.

Smelly lost no time.

He dove in the nearest
sewer grate and off he swam.

Not uptown where
the girl fell in,

but downtown where he
knew the girl was headed.

Smelly swam fast and hard.

He took a left,
then a right,

then another sharp
right and then he waited.

The current was
unbelievably strong,

but no girl.

Just then...

A twisting lump of tangled
dress came swirlin'

round a corner.

Hit one wall,
then the other,

and then it screamed at
the top of its lungs

"Oooooo! This...is
so much fun!!!"

Smelly caught the
girl in his arms

as she whooshed past.

Heh, heh!

They were made for
each other, right?

You could see it
in their eyes.

And you could sure
smell it with your nose.

This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

Good thing they handed out
clothespins at the wedding,

huh?

Hey, Maurice, about
this dog of yours...

He may not be real to
you, but he is to me.

If I believe he's
real, then he's real.

And I believe.
I really do believe!

Hey, I tried.

Our next story.
[woof! woof!]

Huh!?

He missed his mommy.

I had to let him go.

Now, this is a true story.

It happened to a friend of
a friend of mine, Vern...

and his five-year-old kid,
Charlie, eh - Charles.

Vern and his truck,
Big Bertha,

were staking out the
interstate waiting for

somethin' to happen.

He had his kid along,
to sorta, you know,

show him the ropes.

Never can start 'em
too young these days.

Anyhoo, it was young Charlie
who spotted 'em first.

A bus load a kids were
on a field trip to the

planetarium.

Anyhow, the bus driver, he
musta been somewhere else

'cause when he took the
cut-off he completely misses

the big sign that
says: "Low bridge,

Maximum Clearance Six Feet."

And Whammo!

When they said "Maximum
Clearance, Six Feet",

they meant it.

Vern revs up the engine on
Big Bertha and gets his butt

down there as
fast as he could.

To see if he
could help, you know,

and maybe make a
good buck on a tow.

Just to show his kid how
it's done, you see.

The kids on the
bus were okay,

thank goodness, you
know and the driver,

wha-he was more
embarrassed than anything,

but the bus was wedged
in there like nothin'

Vern had ever seen.

I mean this was
a real good one.

Vern tried and tried to
get that sucker outa there.

Even Big Bertha
couldn't tow out that bus.

It was well and
truly stuck, my friend.

Like gum on the
bottom of your shoe.

So Vern finally gives up
and calls fire company

Number One, who responded
in record time.

They, eh...they couldn't
save Big Bertha, though.

A real shame.

So anyways, the firemen
turned their attention to

the two dozen children,
still trapped in the tunnel.

A leak in the fuel tank
added a whole new wrinkle

to the problem.

See the kids
couldn't get out.

And, if the
firemen created a spark,

the fuel could
ignite and...kablooie!

There'd be an explosion
to end all explosions.

They decided they needed
somebody higher up

to make that kinda call.

Vern and Charlie stood clear
and soon the whole place was

swarming with cops,
engineering experts,

and a slew of looky-loos.

Not to mention every
major news station

in the tri-state area.

Within minutes, the whole
country had its eyes

on the drama unfolding.

And with the press, a
course...came the politicians.

I'm tellin' ya, they
came like cockroaches

outa the wood works.

Well, the Mayor finally
shows up and puts himself

personally in charge.

I mean, after all it
was an election year,

and somethin' like this
could make him a hero.

Heh, heh, heh.

All he needed was a simple
solution, and soon!

He assured the crowd that
everything was under control.

He and his "people" were
gonna get everything right.

Those kids were
gonna be fine.

And that's when Charlie
decided to get in

on the action.

Charlie was a
smart kid, ya see.

He noticed a lot o' things
other people might miss.

Ya see Charlie had an idea,
but the Mayor was far too

busy makin' sure that
the press was impressed

with the job he was doin'.

He just said: "That's
nice, now go find

something to do, kid!".

Well, things weren't
gettin' any better,

so they decided to
bring in the big guns.

The Mayor had clout,
no doubt about it.

But brute force just
wasn't gonna cut it.

The bridge looked like it
might collapse at any moment.

That's when Charlie gave
the Mayor another try.

Charlie tried to get a word
in edgewise...again...but

the Mayor shut him
down like a road closure.

"I thought I told you to go
find something to do, kid!"

At first Charlie
was a little hurt,

I mean, nobody was
listening to him.

Then he got angry.

And then...
he got even.

He walks right
under the police line.

The Mayor yells:
"Stop that kid!"

The police pulled
out their bullhorns.

Vern even called out to him,
but Charlie just went up to

the bus and stuck his
lollipop in the pressure

release of the tires.

Everybody stops and stares.

I mean, what the heck
was this kid up to?

In seconds those tires had
gone flatter than a skunk in

the middle of the road.

And the bus was
clear of the bridge.

Just like that.

And Charlie motions
for the bus driver

to back the bus out.

Nobody could believe
it...especially the Mayor.

Yup, Charlie was a hero.

And a few months later the
news Mayor awarded Charlie

a key to the city, declaring
it "Charles Day",

with free
lollipops for everybody!

This is a true story.

It happened to a
friend of a friend of mine.

Oh, ah, the former Mayor?

Heh, hee, well...

he had to go find
something else to do.

Dear Larry, - this guy in
Saint John's Newfoundland

writes - eh, someone told
me Maurice used to be a

stand-up comic.

This can't be true, right?

Wrong.

In fact, we got some
tapes of Maurice's act.

Roll the tape.
Check this out.

My brother had his nose
broken in three places.

I told him not to go
to those places....

My brother
plays piano by ear.

My father fiddles
with his whiskers...

My father's so rich, he uses
bookends for a money clip...

He's so old, his birthday
cake had a hundred candles.

My father ate the candles.

He had a wick stomach!

So you see why Maurice's
career as a stand-up comic

is history.

Old news.

Bygones. Adios. Toodle-loo...

You know what's worse than
raining cats and dogs?

Hailing a taxi.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you!

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