Original subtitles

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Hey! Guess what we found today?

An old tape of 'Freaky Stories'!

Yeah, actually, the first tape of the first show...

a long, long time ago.

Hi. How're ya doin'? -Welcome to the show.

More of the good old days after this next

superb Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine - Jerry.

I guess he saw too many episodes of "Space Base Mars",

cause sometimes you just gotta ask yourself,

is it paranormal, or am I just paranoid?

He had this crazy idea that there were monsters

hiding everywhere.

Jerry was taking Leonard, for a walk in that creepy

old park on Mulberry Street.

Leonard was doing his business in the bushes,

as usual, and Jerry was waiting around for him to

finish...when he heard a strange noise.

He peeked through the bushes and he nearly had a

conniption!

Y'see, there...in the park...was a UFO!

A spaceship from another world!

And coming out of the spaceship were brain suckin' ALIENS!

"Oh man! Aliens! Just like the one's on TV!"

Jerry freaked!

He started to run, but Leonard was still doing his

business, so Jerry sorta dragged him on his leash as

he ran down the street.

He had to find his pals, Mickey and Pete.

Jerry burst through the door.

"Hey guys!", he screamed.

Only they couldn't hear him over all the noise of the

pinball game they were playing.

"What did ya do that for?", they yelled.

Boy, were they mad.

"In the park! There's aliens! From another World!"

"ALIENS?!", screamed Mickey.

"From another world?", hollered Pete.

The three of them were outta there.

And Leonard too.

But when they got back to the park,

the spaceship was gone.

"You're nothing but a goof, Ya know that?",

said Mickey.

"And you owe me a quarter for the pinball game".

So Jerry and Leonard went home.

The next night, Jerry took Leonard to the park again.

Boy, would they be sorry when he captured the aliens,

single-handed.

He was really gonna show those guys a thing or two.

They were sneaking looks through the bushes.

And there, plain as day, in the middle of the baseball

diamond, was the alien spaceship!

Jerry and Leonard crawled into the alien disguise that

they'd made at home out of paper maché.

Leonard was on top, on account of...he didn't have

any hands...so he'd have to be the 'head'.

Then they infiltrated the alien ship.

They made their way past the alien guards,

and up the ramp to the space inside the flying saucer.

That's when Jerry saw it.

He thought, why not?, so he swiped it.

And that's when the aliens saw him!

They tore through the hatch and down the ramp

into the park.

But the brain-suckin' aliens from another world

were in hot pursuit.

Jerry turned around, and remembering the deadly kick

they use on "Space Base Mars",

stopped the aliens in their tracks.

Jerry and Leonard ran like crazy through the park.

They made it to the road, just as a police car

pulled up.

"Help! Please Help!", screamed Jerry.

"What's the matter, son?", asked the nice Policeman.

"A flying saucer! Invaders...! From another galaxy!

There, in the park!

"Now calm down, son", said the police officer,

"they're just making a movie over there."

But...we stole a...deathray!

Proof that they exist!"

"STOLE?!", said the first Policeman,

kinda suspiciously.

"You'd better give that to me.",

said the second officer, as Jerry handed over the gizmo.

"Just as I thought", said the officer.

"This is a prop from the movie."

"Son, I'd say it's way past your bedtime.

We'd better get you on home.", said the cop.

"We'd better get it back to the movie crew.

They'll be needing this."

The policemen dropped Jerry and Leonard off at their

house and watched as they went inside.

"Phew!", said one of the policemen.

"That was close!", said the other as he ripped off

his rubber mask.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Jerry?

He still watches too much TV,

but now, he walks Leonard in a different park.

Freaky Stories, the early years.

Eh, hi. Hi there.

My name's Larry and I'm gonna be your host...

What do mean, you're gonna be the host?

I-I'm gonna be the host!

No, no, no, because you ain't, you ain't.

A host has gotta be dignified and calm and cool...

All of which I am. Here, I'm gonna show you.

Huh, okay. Okay.

Hel-lo, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome t-- [ACHOO]

Sorry.

[SIGH] Welcome to Freaky St-- Fre-...Fre-

Freaky Stories!

Freaky Stories are urban legends...

These stories -- have been -- gathered -- [SNEEZING]

WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!

Here comes the next Freaky Story.

Can I be the sidekick?...

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Only the names have been changed to protect a certain

person from complete and utter social disgrace.

Mike and Janet, or so we'll call them,

were an odd match, if I dare say so.

Mike was a cop, a very conscientious and

confidential type.

Janet wrote a column for the society page and couldn't

keep a secret if her life depended on it.

If you ask me, it was just one of many social graces

that eluded her.

Mike was working his way up through the ranks to become

a detective - first class.

Very serious about his job, believe me.

Janet was much more of a social butterfly,

or a shark, depending on who you talked to.

Secrets were her life's work...and passion.

If there was an event worth attending in the city,

Janet knew all about it and expected an invitation

with plenty of advance notice to shuffle

her busy social schedule.

When she got an invitation to the big masquerade ball,

she thought it was an absolutely fabulous way to

dig up dirt...in disguise!

And a great way to get Mike out of uniform

and into the swing of things.

Janet had to go alone to rent her costume.

Mike said he had an urgent case to attend to and

suggested they pick out their costumes separately

and surprise each other.

Janet loved surprises and thought this idea was simply

marvelous...and romantic.

She was always looking for ways to

spice up their marriage.

But, it wasn't long before Janet's curious nature

got the best of her.

After tearing the house apart looking for it,

Janet guessed that Mike probably hadn't picked up

his costume yet.

Then the telephone rang.

She hoped it was someone with a secret to share,

but it turned out to be just a fax.

It was a picture of a gruesome Mr. Hyde type,

as in Dr. Jeckyll, you know?

At first Janet was grossed out,

but then it dawned on her.

It must be the costume rental shop letting Mike

know his costume was ready.

Just then Mike came home, so Janet put the fax back -

satisfied that she knew his little secret.

But Mike had bad news.

He was assigned to a particularly tough case

and couldn't make the masquerade ball after all.

At the ball, Janet was getting a tad peeved that

no one was revealing their identity.

After all, how was she going to gossip about them if she

couldn't figure out who they were?

Then she spotted Mike in his costume.

She figured he must've been trying to surprise her

all along.

He played up the Mr. Hyde routine to the hilt,

so Janet decided not to spoil his surprise.

Together they were the life of the party,

dancing and swaying the night away.

Then they slipped out on the patio

in the romantic night air.

And before long they were behaving just like

teenagers!

But they were rudely interrupted by some other

couples and Mike disappeared into the night.

Now Janet went after him, but she couldn't find him

anywhere.

When Janet got home, Mike came in the door

soon after her.

She was surprised to see him back in his uniform already.

Mike didn't have a clue what she was talking about,

but was relieved to see that she was safe.

He'd been on patrol all night tracking a homicidal

maniac on the loose in the area.

Janet got very quiet and very pale.

She realized the man at the party wasn't Mike at all...

it was the insane killer!

You should've seen the look on her face when Mike asked,

"Did you have fun at the party?"

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Janet, who for once in her life was able

to keep a secret.

And this is how I got even.

Hey, good news about the buy-out eh?

Oh, oh!

Okay, now that that's outta the way.

Our next Freaky Story... -[BELCH]

Our next... -[BELCH]

our next Freaky Story's on... -[NOSE BLOWING]

Okay -- the next -- story oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Todd.

He was polite, obedient, respectful

and courteous, and he wasn't even a Boy Scout.

Boy, did he make the rest of us look bad!

But Todd's parents were thrilled with him.

See, if perfect little Todd met with his Great-Aunt

Hortense's approval, Mom and Dad just might

inherit her fortune.

So, just before Todd's first visit to his Great-Aunt's

for dinner, his parents made it clear that Todd was to be

on his best behaviour, or no more allowance.

Now for me, good behaviour would be not mentioning that

Great-Aunt Hortense looked like Boris Karloff in a

gingham dress.

But Todd was so polite to his Great-Aunt,

he didn't even mention that he was allergic

to her perfume.

Of course, when she went to give Todd a great big

welcoming hug, Todd accidentally let loose with

a huge, wet sneeze and Great-Aunt 'H'

got totally slimed.

That's where politeness gets you...

but things got worse.

See, Todd isn't so great under pressure,

so when he tried to set the table,

he accidentally dropped the gravy boat on Great-Aunt

Hortense's priceless lace tablecloth.

To be fair, he did try to cover the stain

with a plate.

Then things got really bad.

See, Todd's least favourite food in the world

is baked beans.

So what did Great-Aunt Hortense serve along side

the main dish of cabbage and hamhocks?!

A huge pile of baked beans.

Her late husband, Alby, had loved them,

so she still served them with every meal.

Now Todd's parents had made it clear...he had to enjoy

his Great-Aunt's cooking, no matter what!

So, Todd being a good boy, he decided to eat all his

baked beans first and get 'em out of the way.

He kept shoveling them into his mouth 'til he got

through 'em all.

At last the ordeal was over, until

Great-Aunt Hortense spoke up.

"I knew you'd love my special baked beans,"

she said, beaming.

And before Todd had a chance to stop her,

she proudly plopped another whole plate full in

front of him!

Obedient, courteous Todd had to eat his beans.

Again!

But when nobody was looking, baked beans got hidden in

vases, in his mom's purse, even in the dog's bowl!

But even with all his ingenious hiding places,

Todd still had to eat a LOT of beans.

By now he was putting forth a super human effort just to

keep all that baked bean gas inside him.

Todd hid the rest of his beans by putting his napkin

on top of his plate.

But when Great-Aunt Hortense came by to collect his

plate, her perfume made Todd sneeze again...

"Oh!" said Great-Aunt Hortense, "I guess you didn't like my

special baked beans that much after all..."

Have I mentioned that Todd is courteous,

respectful, blah, blah, blah?

Todd had been respectfully, obediently,

courteously and politely holding it in for the entire

evening.

But that final combination of beans and pop sent his

gas levels beyond the threshold of human

endurance.

He tried to stop it but...

His intestinal system let loose with a gas explosion

that practically leveled Hortense's mansion!

Well, Todd figured he had blown his parents'

inheritance...literally.

But then he saw Great-Aunt Hortense crawling out from

under the table with a smile on her face.

See, it turned out her late husband,

Alby, spent time overseas, where some folks break wind

as a polite way of saying thanks for the grub.

Alby had thanked Hortense in his own way every night

for thirty-eight years...but Todd's thunderous thank-you

topped them all.

Great-Aunt Hortense was so touched,

she decided to leave her entire fortune to Todd!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Todd, who is currently teaching his parents to be

polite, courteous, obedient and respectful...

or else they won't get their allowance.

See you guys next time. -Good night everybody.

See you guys next time. -Good night everybody.

[GIGGLES] The more things change...

The more they stay the same.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Zeke, Old Man Murch's farmhand.

Now, Old Man Murch was a piece of work.

Here was a guy so cheap, he wouldn't even

buy fertilizer.

He just worked out where he rented it from somewhere.

Not to mention he had a reputation as the smelliest

man in Scorch County.

Okay, so there was this huge pond on Old Man Murch's

land...a real rarity in Scorch County.

It would have been an ideal swimmin' hole.

Except, Old Man Murch was an ornery old cuss.

He didn't want ANYBODY to go near his pond and he warned

Zeke that if he ever caught anyone in it,

they'd be in deep doo-doo.

Sometimes after a long day of schleppin' and slidin',

Zeke was sorely tempted, but he saw what happened to kids

from the town who tried to sneak in and go

skinny-dippin'.

A kid would hardly get over the fence before Old Man

Murch would start runnin' at úem with his pitchfork...

and believe you me, the kid would soon get

Old Man Murch's point!

Zeke never once went for a swim in that pond.

In fact, he worked there until Old Man Murch died

during that cold spell we had some time ago,

back when the temperature fell below a hundred degrees.

Now, as his employee, it was Zeke's final duty to carry

out the Old Man's last wishes,

which were these...

Old Man Murch wanted to be buried beside his house.

Then, after he was buried, no one was ever to set foot

on his property again.

Especially, no one was ever to swim in his pond,

or else, to paraphrase the old man's favourite

expression, they'd be in 'deep doo-doo'.

Pretty weird, thought Zeke.

So the very next morning, the whole county was there,

hoistin' up the old man's coffin with a winch.

After all the effort they put into just diggin'

the hole, Zeke and the other townfolk were ready to fall

into that grave out of pure exhaustion.

The old man's water hole began to look

mighty inviting.

Even if some people's strongest association

with it was a memory of a pitchfork comin' straight at

their gluteus nether regions.

But it was so hot and, let's face it,

there's no way Old Man Murch could stop him from going in

that pond now.

So even though Zeke had an obligation to see that the

Old Man's last wishes were carried out to the letter...

well, Zeke striped to his skivvies and cannonballed

himself into Murch's pond!

Now, to this day, residents of Scorch County claim it

was the most sudden storm they ever saw.

Fact is, we get so few clouds around here,

some say it's the only storm they ever saw.

And Zeke later swore that one of the cloud formations

looked just like the face of Old Man Murch.

But whatever people say they saw,

the fact is, the wind just whipped right in and ripped

out the winch cable that was holding up the

old man's coffin!

The coffin came crashing down and smashed into a

switch on the side of the house.

The switch that was attached to the old man's fertilizer

pipeline - the county's main sewage pipe!

Suddenly, sewage spewed everywhere,

flooding Old Man Murch's field faster than Ted's

three-alarm chili fills up the washroom

at the local diner.

And the sewage kept a-comin'.

That's when Zeke realized that Old Man Murch made good

on his threat.

He was in deep doo-doo...literally!

This is a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Zeke, who always said, if life hands you lemons,

make lemonade.

And considering what life handed him,

I guess that's why today, he's a fertilizer salesman.

Okay, this here letter is from Mikey in Winnipeg.

Dear Larry, [AHEM] I'm doing real bad in math.

Any suggestions on how I could improve?

Well. Mikey, just for you, we have invited the world's

smartest math genius, Professor Sir Wilfred Logarithm.

The hypotenuse square root of pi plus the concentric

parallelogram equals the tangent of the isosceles

quadrant to the Nth power.

I'm getting the feeling you don't know what you're

talking about.

[GASP] You think I'm a phony baloney?

How much is forty-six times fifty-seven?

None of your business.

The square root of eighty-two?

Who wants to know?

I give up.

The least you can do is tell Mikey how to

improve in math.

Oh, elementary.

When the teacher calls on you and you don't know the

answer, you say, "Oh! Behind you! A mouse!"

And, when she turns around, you look for the answer

in the back of your book!

Right, well, there you go, Mikey.

Need any more advice, just write.

Bye.

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