Original subtitles

¶¶¶

Let's see...

Maurice: Larry? Are you out there?

Okay, here we go.

[LAUGH] Yeah!

Maurice, buddy ol' pal, come here.

Take a look at...THIS!

Uh, oh. I'm in trouble now.

Staring...

Yeah, a maggot can't be hypnotized.

You're wasting your time, you know,

no matter how hard you try...[SNORING]

[LAUGH]

You are now under my control.

When you wake up, you will think you're a...chicken.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Arlo had it.

He had it real bad.

It...it was the NEED.

The Need for SPEED.

Let me explain it to you.

You see, ever since Arlo was a little boy,

he had this compulsion to go faster.

It started the day when he was just a little baby and

his Mama lost hold of his stroller.

Little-Baby-Arlo went a-flying down that hill on

Main Street, Mama and everyone in hot pursuit.

Now when they caught up with him,

little Baby Arlo was just fine.

When Mama scooped him out of the stroller,

little Baby Arlo said the words that would haunt

his Mama to her last, dying day.

He said "Baby go Vroooommm!

When Arlo got a little bit older,

he kept pushing himself to go faster,

entering soap box derbies and racing his bicycle down

the steepest hills in town.

And like he said: "I can't help it Mama,

I gots the Need. The Need for Speed!"

And so one day, when Arlo had grown to teenager-hood,

he was watching a news item on the TV.

It seems that the Air Force was using these little

itty-bitty rocket engines to boost heavy transport planes

into the air.

He felt The Need a-coursing through his veins.

Without missing a beat, he lit out to his local Army

Surplus store, but Dang!

Just his luck.

They were fresh out of rocket engines.

And the man at the store said that the Air Force

wouldn't sell a rocket engine to just any ol'

Tom, Dick or Arlo.

With The Need a-gnawing at him,

Arlo hatched a plan.

He called his local air force base,

saying that he was Mister Arlo J. Arlo,

President of the Arlo J. Corporation,

could they please ship him a rocket engine immediately?

It arrived the very same day.

"And where do you think you're going?"

shouted Mama.

"This here's an army surplus rocket engine.

I'm a gonna set me a world land-speed record,

'cause I got The..."

"Yeah, I know."

said Mama, "Yous gots the Need for Speed."

Arlo stomped on the gas pedal.

"Y'all be back in time for supper."

Arlo drove to the old dry lakebed.

The car took off in a cloud of smoke.

She bounced across the dry lake and,

at eighty-eight miles an hour,

Arlo, heart a-pounding in his throat, lit the fuse.

There was a pause,

Arlo thought maybe the rocket motor was a dud.

And then...

It was alive!

ALIVE!!!

Felt like an angry mule'd drop-kicked him

right in the chest.

He gripped the steering wheel,

holding on for dear life, as the fingers of acceleration

kneaded the skin on his face.

The car tore across the lakebed.

He'd never felt so alive.

The Need for Speed was fulfilled.

Arlo looked across the lakebed ahead of him...

or what remained of it.

Hot Dang!

Up ahead of him and closing fast,

was a solid rock cliff wall!

I don't really know what happened first -

the tires blowing or the brakes melting.

I guess it really don't matter much none now,

because at that point, Arlo was airborne!

And that's when he realized that flyin',

FLYIN' would be his salvation!

He couldn't steer the thing and there was no way

to stop in time.

But if he could just get her up and over the cliff ahead...

He pulled back hard on the steering wheel,

just the way fighter pilots on TV did.

"A few more feet...just a few more feet",

thought Arlo.

The car kept flying upwards.

"I'm gonna make it, Mama!!"

Just then the second stage of the rocket engine

kicked in.

Arlo didn't know these rocket engines had a second stage.

Up through the stratosphere, then the troposphere and

into the ionosphere...

And for one shining moment, Arlo J. Arlo lived his dream.

He became the fastest man in the world...

Yessir.

This here's a true story.

Happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

And Arlo. Yep.

He's still got that Need for Speed.

But he's put it to good use.

He's president of Arlo Express.

Five...four...three...two... one...

One, two, three...

WAKE UP!

Oh, well. Easy come easy go.

Alright, we've got another Freaky story here...

[CHICKEN CLUCKS]

What was that?

We got a winner here!

Uh, me and my fine feathered friend will be back after

this next Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Gordon.

Now, like most kids, Gordon gets zits once in a while.

Okay, like a new one every hour.

And he's tried everything.

Every cream, lotion, pimple-popper or

blister-buster going.

But when Gordon gets a zit, nothing seems to help.

It just gets bigger and bigger until it erupts

like Mount Vesuvius.

Except oilier.

Now, Gordon had this thing for a girl at school.

But she had a peaches and cream complexion,

while his was more like strawberries and oatmeal.

So, knowing that he had absolutely no chance with her,

Gordon worshiped Stephanie from afar.

Very afar.

Like restraining order afar.

But one day, a miracle happened and Gordon

had a good zit day.

Only a few dozen on his back,

and his face was zit-free.

So Stephanie, who'd never even noticed Gordon before,

casually sat down beside him at lunch.

And before Gordon knew it, Stephanie was actually

talking to him...

him! Gordon Russell!

The zit king!

He was so stunned, he didn't know what to say.

So he asked her out on a date to the amusement park,

and she agreed!

It wasn't until he tried to get to sleep that night and

he actually began to think about the date that he was

really freaked.

He was gonna have to be entertaining for a whole

entire evening!

And what if she wanted a good night kiss?

Now the sweat started pouring out...and with it

came a big, fat, oil refinery right in the middle

of his face.

The next morning, Gordon discovered the oozing

pustule threatening to engulf his entire face,

and he had a zit fit, 'cause he was also out of zit cream!

By the time he got to the pharmacy,

there were two more bouncing baby blemishes on his face

and Gordon didn't need an ultrasound to figure out

that further bundles of joy were on the way.

Now, Gordon could have either afforded his usual

industrial size tub of pimple paste,

or the date with Stephanie, but not both.

But as luck would have it, the pharmacist was working

on an experimental instant zit-reduction formula in the

back room.

"Some people, they look at a zit and all they see is a

giant pus module", he told Gordon.

"I look at a zit and see a giant source of revenue.

But first I need to test my Preparation Z on a willing

vict...ah, subject."

So, with a long list of instructions from the

pharmacist, Gordon rushed off to the amusement park

to meet Stephanie.

Now, at this point, Gordon only had a few minutes

until the date.

And his face was threatening to become carbuncle central.

There was no time to worry about instructions...

As he was rushing to the park,

Gordon squirted a little bit of cream on one of the angry

red blotches.

Zilch, nada, zero.

Okay, a little more.

But the blotches... bupkis.

No tingling sensation, no nothing.

And as he looked at the reflection of his

pock-marked puss in a store window Gordon really started

to panic, which causes another zit bulb to bloom.

Okay, now it's serious.

With no time to lose, Gordon ran into the amusement park

washroom and started slathering it on.

He squirts the whole tube on his head,

but when he looked in the mirror,

he was zittier than he'd ever been in his life.

The pharmacist's cream did nothing!

In Gordon's mind, there was only one thing to do.

He'd have to run home and hide in his room,

at least until he gets out of his teens.

He looked out the washroom door...and unlike his face,

at least the coast was clear.

No sign of Stephanie.

Maybe he could leave before anybody saw him!

He ran right into Stephanie, who was coming out of the

girls' washroom.

Now she took one look at him and SCREAMED!

And then some other people in the park caught sight of

him...and they started screaming!

"I didn't think I looked that bad,

thought Gordon...at least until he got a look at

himself in a mirror.

And then he started screaming!

Because the zit cream took a little time to take effect.

But when it worked, it really worked.

The pimple cream dried out the pus all right...

and then some.

This was a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Gordon.

Now he never got together with Stephanie

after his head grew back to normal size.

But he eventually did find a girlfriend with a complexion

just like his.

And you could say that Gordon and Yolanda are now

each other's main squeeze.

[CHICKEN CLUCKS]

He probably tastes like chicken too.

Heck, we probably all taste like chicken!

Ahh, let's watch another story while I watch

Chicken Little here. [CHUCKLE]

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Tom.

It was the first day at school after a long hot

summer of burger joint jobs and baby sitting the brats

next door.

Everyone couldn't wait to hook up and compare notes.

Then there was Tom.

He was new in town, which didn't really seem to be

working to his benefit, if you catch my drift.

Then Tom fell head over heels for Cindy.

Well, sort of.

She was new too, but in her case everyone seemed to

stand up and take notice...

especially Tom.

Tom instantly fell in love with every square inch of her.

From the glistening nails on her dainty toes to the tips

of her long dark hair.

[SIGH]

Unfortunately, he wasn't the only gallant knight

seeking the fair maiden's attentions.

Archie was the type who always got any girl he wanted.

Then, the strangest thing happened.

Or, more accurately, the strangest sound...

[HOARKY COUGH]

It was kind of like the sound you make when you're

trying to hoark up a big loogie and then nearly choke

on it at the same time, if you know what I mean.

Ha. Anyway, it was like that, but about a million times

more disgusting, and with some serious amplitude.

[HOARKY COUGH]

At first, no one could really pin point the source

of that revolting sound.

Nah...it couldn't have been.

So, anyway, while Tom was busy figuring out how to

bust a move on Cindy, something about Cindy

started to make itself more and more apparent.

"Hi Tom", she said.

And all Tom could muster up was a dopey, "Uh, hi".

Poor guy missed his chance... again.

But soon, there was no denying Cindy's special talent.

[HOARKY COUGH]

Yup. That big hoarky sound was comin' from her.

But Tom didn't care about the cough

and it turned out Cindy liked Tom's down to earth quality.

In fact, they found they had a lot in common,

hoarky cough aside.

They were both new in town, they didn't have a lot of

friends and nervous about making new ones.

You know how it is.

So Tom finally worked up the courage to ask Cindy out.

They had a blast.

Turns out Tom could be pretty funny when he wasn't

too nervous or anything.

And that's when it happened.

[HOARKY COUGH]

Luckily Tom had got some special training at the

burger joint he worked at...and mastered the

Heimlich maneuver.

Then from out of Cindy's mouth came the biggest,

grossest, hairiest hairball anyone had ever seen!

Cindy was majorly embarrassed.

Her mom always warned her that her nervous habit of

chewing on her hair would give her a humongous

hairball in her stomach.

But Tom told her right there and then,

that she was the one for him and no stinkin' (well, it was!)

hairball was gonna come between them.

Cindy was so overwhelmed she swore her undying love

to her newfound hero.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

From that day on, Cindy never chewed on her hair,

and never so much as had to clear her throat again...

...Unless she had a cold, that is!

[CHICKEN CLUCKS]

[CHUCKLE] Too much!

I fooled ya. You thought I was hypnotized.

You mean...

[LAUGH] Fooled ya, fooled ya! I'm so smart I fooled ya!

There was no way you were gonna make me think

I was a chicken.

[LAUGHS]

[GASP] But, you, wha, but, ha...

This is true story.

It happened to friend of friend of mine...

Vladimir commanded one of my submarines.

The Illia had been on secret mission near our adversary's

territory and was just setting course to

Mother Russia when disaster struck...

You see Vladimir and crew, jubilant with success,

had not been monitoring the sonar as closely as they

should have been.

Enemy sonar had spotted them.

Sasha, the engineer, immediately

stopped the motors.

They, who moments before, had been the hunters,

were now the hunted.

"Shut down all systems NOW!" hissed Vladimir.

"Dead quiet," replied Sasha.

They watched the luminous screen display the location

of their antagonist.

"Just one torpedo...", muttered Gregor.

"...And you'll give away our position!

Quiet! Everyone!"

But then, the situation worsened.

"They've called the other ships...!"

"It's getting warm in here," said Gregor."

"Fetch a canteen of water," ordered Vladimir.

As they drank, Vladimir noticed something.

"Sasha, did you?.."

Vladimir made a note to ban cabbage from the menu

on all future voyages.

He turned back to the problem at hand.

The ghostly light from the screen traced the closure of

the net as it tightened around them.

The heat continued to rise in the tiny cabin.

The atmosphere became thick with sweat and the rising

smell of fear.

Gregor poured another cupful of water for each

of his comrades.

The stench in the cabin was sickening.

"Sasha, are you sure...?"

"It wasn't me. Blame him!"

But then there was a third ship.

Vladimir cursed the hunters above.

The arrival of the third ship made any hope of escape

impossible.

They braced for depth charges.

They could hear the propeller of the approaching ship.

Vladimir took a deep breath of the putrid cabin air.

The time of reckoning had come.

He would not allow his beloved Illia to be

captured, but they were only human and could not stand

the smell for much longer.

"What was that? It wasn't a depth charge!",

Gregor gaped at the sonar screen.

"Nothing!", Sasha looked on in wonder through the

Illia's windows..."Whales! It's Whales!!!"

"Full Speed Ahead!"

The Illia turned and joining the whales,

made her escape.

They surfaced, hours later.

Ahh, the sweet air after being trapped in that putrid

smelling submarine for so many hours.

"I'm thirsty," said Sasha.

"Then we shall toast our good fortune with the last

of this water."

But as Gregor poured the water,

he felt something knock around inside the can.

He gave the can are hard shake

and a dead rat, with a very familiar stench,

fell onto the deck!

This is a true story.

It happened to friend of a friend of mine.

And today, when the crew of the Illia set sail,

they pack their water in glass containers...

Okay, our first letter is from Becka.

Dear Larry, do you have any suggestions

for warding off a cold?...

Oh, do you? 'Cause I hab a bad code.

If you hab a rebedy...

Well, Maurice...

and Becka, there's an old roach cure for...

AHCHOO! [fart]

Oh, what was?

Oh, never mind.

I recognize that... parfum d'maggot.

I can't hep it. I hab da Maggot Flu.

What's the Maggot Flu?

Well, it seebs, that wit da Maggot Flu,

when you sneeze you al-so...

ACHOO! [fart]

Aw, cut that out!

My advice to you, Becka, is to avoid maggots!

Oh, no, no, no.

Da good thig about the Maggot Flu is dat it's

not cottagious.

Oh, well, at least I got nothing to wo- to wo- to,

a-a-a CHOO!...

[fart]

¶¶¶