Original subtitles

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Hey there. How're you doin'?

Tonight, in between some fabulous Freaky Stories,

we're gonna show you some of our Freaky Bloopers.

Yeah, that's right, we're not perfect.

So, uh here's one, from the "dating" sketch.

Hey there, sugar.

[laughs] I'm sorry.. I'm s--

CUT! CUT!

ACTION!

[LAUGHS] CUT! CUT!

I'm sorry..

Oh please, come on.

Maurice, what's the matter with you!

[LAUGHS]

More bloopers, after this Freaky Story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Ramon's Tortilla Stand stood proudly in the shadow of a

pylon supporting the new superhighway.

Its recent completion had whisked away his once

prosperous business, taking it to the new resort town

by the bay.

Ramon was a good man.

An honest man.

And he watched in anguish as his staff,

once numbering thirty-five proud employees,

dwindled down to just he and Juan,

his not-too-bright assistant.

One day, as Juan, the not-too-bright assistant

made a batch of tortillas, a miracle happened.

One of the tortillas bore a perfect image of "The King".

Was it the consistency of the batter?

The arrangement of bricks in the oven?

Or was it Juan, who could never get the mix right?

No matter.

As word spread, people flocked from miles around to

see the image of "The King" baked into the 'holy tortilla'.

Ramon was agog.

Or was it aghast?

No matter.

Whatever the word, Ramon couldn't believe

his good fortune.

People, who had once forsaken Ramon's Tortilla

Stand for the new resort, now sheepishly returned.

On nice days, it took hours to reach the front of the

line and view the 'holy tortilla'.

And each and every pilgrim bought a replica

holy-tortilla.

Ramon's fortunes grew.

He made so much money that he began to renovate.

What was once a humble tortilla stand was now a

wonderful tortilla shack.

Success brought more success.

With Ramon's business wizardry and Juan's

uh...experiments in the kitchen,

the business grew from a tortilla shack to a tortilla

hut and finally into a fine tortilla restauranté.

And with each new success, Ramon raised the prices.

But no matter: people were coming to see "the shrine of

the holy tortilla" no matter what the cost.

While Ramon greeted the pilgrims and profited from

their success, poor Juan was locked away in the kitchen.

Forgotten.

And he was so overworked.

Because Ramon wasn't going to cut into his profits by

hiring extra help, Juan began to make mistakes.

And one day, poor Juan, not a rocket scientist

to begin with, slipped up.

Big time.

You see, Ramon had become greedy.

So greedy in fact, that he began to limit the times

that pilgrims could view the holy tortilla.

He didn't want the filthy 'tortilla pilgrims' to

interfere with his fancy dining room customers.

Replica 'holy tortillas' didn't make as much profit

as Ramon's double enchilada surprise dinner special.

So, during the 'dinner hours' the 'holy tortilla'

was moved from its impressive shrine in the

dining room to any available spot in the back

of the kitchen.

Wherever there was room.

This arrangement kept the dining room clear at meal

times and that was very important to Ramon.

One day, a poor man comes to the back door

of the restauranté.

He had no money, but was begging for scraps to eat.

Juan, the not-too-bright assistant looked around the

kitchen and seeing nothing to give away,

asked Ramon's advice.

Ramon quickly looked around and saw an old tortilla

lying on the counter.

It was dusty and very stale.

Certainly fit for a beggar.

"Give that to him, and then send him away,

said Ramon.

"But...but..." protested Juan.

"Give it to him, then get him outa here!"

ordered Ramon, who then stormed out of the kitchen.

Juan's "buts" fell on deaf ears.

Juan went to the back door and handed the tortilla

to the beggar.

"Thank you. Thank you very much", said the beggar.

"Say," he asked, as he turned to go,

the sunset bouncing off his silver pilot framed

sunglasses, "You wouldn't have any peanut butter and

'nannners to go with that, would ya?

And that is how the holy tortilla magically

left the building.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

But it is said that someday,

if we truly, truly believe...the holy tortilla may return.

Here's my favoritest blooper.

Okay, well...I'll be seein' ya.

Yeah. Hey, Maurice.

You want some custard?

Yeah, I want the custard. -You want the custard?

Yeah, I want the custard.

Okay - Yiiiii!...

[LAUGHING]

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

Friday the Thirteenth was a big night for

Steve and Larry.

'Cause that's when Channel ninety-nine always ran a

Monster Marathon...non-stop spooks, dusk útill dawn.

This Friday the Thirteenth was even more special,

because Channel ninety-nine was running an

"All-Mummy Marathon".

Steve and Larry were excited,

because the Mummy was their favourite movie monster.

I never really bought into the Mummy,

all moldy and shambling around,

trying to do whatever it was that Mummies did

when they caught you.

And that was the other thing.

In all those old Mummy movies,

there'd be the Mummy, lurching along dragging his

rotten leg behind.

Step...Draaag...Step...Draaag...

And the pretty girl, usually some B-Movie starlet that

you'd never heard of, would be running away from him

like an Olympic sprinter...

And he'd always CATCH her!...

And carry her back to his tomb to make her his bride.

Like I said, I never personally saw the

attraction of Mummy movies, but Steve and Larry

were nuts about them.

So anyhow...the highlight of 'The Mummy Marathon' was at

two o'clock in the morning, when Cannel ninety-nine ran

"The Mummy's Curse".

Now this was widely acknowledged by Mummy

aficionados as the best of the Mummy movies.

I mean, aside from the original 1932 "Mummy"

starring Boris Karloff.

In this one, an Egyptian priest

summons the Mummy by brewing nine

tanna leaves by the light of a full moon.

So, it was two thirty in the morning,

during a commercial.

And Steve said to Larry: "Hey!

There's a full moon out tonight.

Let's try it!

Let's brew nine tanna leaves."

But I guess Steve's mom was out of tanna leaves.

Would regular tea do?

They popped nine plain old tea bags into the pot

and poured the boiling water over it.

And waited.

And waited.

But they got tired of waiting and went back in to

watch the rest of the movie.

Larry turned to Steve and said,

"You hear what I hear?"

They ran out the front door and there...coming out of

the fog at the end of the street was...the Mummy!

And it was heading straight for them!

It was only then that they realized that they didn't

know how you got rid of a Mummy after you'd

summoned him.

"Good thing it's moving slower than the movie."

So they ran back in, just in time to catch

the end credits.

Uh-oh...Dad was gonna kill them,

if the Mummy didn't first.

How do ya kill a Mummy? How do ya kill a Mummy?

"Silver bullets!", shouted Steve.

"That's for Werewolves", cried Larry.

"Wait!

What about a stake through the heart?"

"Nope...Vampires.

Anyway, he's rotting, I ain't touching him."

"Mummy's don't like cats 'cause they're..."

"Allergic?"

"No doink, 'cause they're the gate-keepers of the

underworld!"

They were sure that would do it.

Now the Mummy was gonna turn around and head back

where it came from.

Problem was...it didn't.

Step, draggg...step, draggg...

They had to think fast.

The Mummy was getting closer.

He was at the bottom of the driveway.

"Quick! Get the hose!"

"The what?"

"The hose, you doink! Don'cha get it?

He's all dust and bandages!

We're gonna make Mummy Maché!"

Steve stuck his thumb in the end of the hose,

while Larry put a kink in it to hold back the water.

They waited útil they could see the whites of

his...uh...bandages.

Then they let'er rip.

The water blasted that stinkin' Mummy.

There was dust and bandages flying everywhere.

Looked like a snowstorm as it rained down on them

that summer night.

They did it! They were heroes!

They killed the Mummy!

Hey, it's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Oh yeah, and the next day Mrs. Melnick from next door

showed up with a policeman.

She was filing a complaint against Steve and Larry for

toilet-papering her house and garden.

We'll have more bloopers after this Freaky Story...

[GRUNT]

What the heck are you doin'?

You were supposed to go left!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Mousey Marg, a school librarian who only ever had

a date on like, birthdays or Christmas.

And they didn't call her Mousey Marg for nothing.

I always thought a little lipstick or make-up might

help, but then again, she was a librarian.

Every year, the school had a fundraiser and she would run

the book sale.

So she was out driving around collecting books -

as if there aren't enough books already...

Anyway, she had the worst sense of direction.

I mean, she couldn't even find her way to the school

washroom and she'd been working there for eight

years or something.

So Marg got lost in some little town.

She turned a corner and right there in front of her

was this weird old occult bookshop.

It was pretty creepy but a) she needed directions

and b) maybe they'd give her some books for the book fair.

So Marg went inside.

From down there on the floor,

all Marg could see was two legs eerily backlit

coming toward her.

It was this crazy looking woman.

She called herself Gladys.

But it turns out Gladys was really happy to see

someone...anyone, even if they'd just scared her cat

nearly to death.

She told Marg she didn't get many visitors,

but Marg wasn't really listening because she

couldn't take her eyes off that eerie glow coming from

the back room.

Gladys told Marg that that was her crystal ball.

It seemed that Gladys was a fortuneteller on the side.

Then she asked Marg if she'd like her fortune told.

Gladys got all weird and stuff from the crystal ball

and Marg was like, dying to know whatever the crystal

ball has to say.

Gladys said she's gotta get those doors fixed one of

these days and sat back down.

Then, back at the crystal ball and back in her trance,

she predicted that Marg would meet the man of her

dreams, you know, the tall dark stranger sorta thing.

But Gladys said that he's not a stranger but he does

have dark hair and that Marg already knows him.

Well, Marg went nuts because she hadn't had a date in

like, a hundred years and every guy in the world is

either married or a complete goof.

Gladys got all solemn and told Marg that she herself

had once met her soul mate and had a passionate

romance, but he was lost at sea many years before.

Marg swore that now she'd look at the guys she knows

with an open heart.

The next day, the mailman, who looked really sharp in

his uniform, arrived and handed Marg

a fistful of bills.

No, not him.

Then Marg took her precious little Zippy to the vet and

he really loves animals, but Zippy nearly

scratched his eyes out.

No, wasn't him either.

Then Marg visited her local fishmonger,

Clayton...who's really hot, by the way.

He offered her a sample of his homemade crab cakes.

Okay, why not?

She bit into one and WOW!

Her taste buds just freaked.

She'd never tasted anything so great or seen anyone so,

well, hot.

It's like she'd noticing for the first time how beauteous

and swarthy and how kinda well,

hot he was.

And he even had this cool gold tooth.

Turned out Clayton thought Marg was pretty hot too,

so they go out on a few dates and fell madly in love.

Next thing you know, they got married!

After a while of delirious happiness,

Marg remembered Gladys - the old fortuneteller.

She didn't know that her prediction actually came true!

Marg decided to pay Gladys a little visit and she took a

batch of crab cakes as a, y'know,

'thanks for my fabulous life' kinda thing.

After all, the crab cakes were what brought them

together in the first place.

Gladys was happy to hear Marg's great news,

but not too surprised, 'cause she fancied herself a

pretty incredible fortuneteller.

Marg offered her a crab cake,

made by none other than her new gorgeous,

fantastic husband.

Gladys took a bite and just like that,

her face went whites.

Marg thought she was having a conniption fit or,

or thought she'd maybe poisoned her or something.

"There's only one man in the world who makes crab cakes

this good," cried Gladys.

Marg's Clayton was actually Gladys' Clayton...

her long-lost-at-sea true love!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Marg and Clayton are still happily ever after and stuff.

But Gladys got her revenge...she's a millionaire!

She figured out the recipe for the crab cakes and now

she owns 'Gladys' Crab Cakes To Go' franchises

all over the world.

And yet, another blooper.

And this one was not my fault.

Hi there. I'd like to introduce my sidekick, Maurice.

Hello, Larry.

You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the show.

CUT! CUT! CUT!

I'd like to introduce my sidekick, Maurice.

Hi everybody.

You know, a funny thing hap...

CUT! CUT!

Oh man. That's disgusting!

What is it?

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

Clem was a tour guide, down under,

in Australia.

Now, when you think of Australia,

you probably think of macho men with corks hanging off

their hats, hassling sheilas and wrassling crocs,

but Clem's not like that.

Just didn't inherit the genes.

Actually Clem's a bit of a goof,

well okay, a real goof, but the lad can't help it.

And not a lot of luck with the ladies either.

Clem could never win a round with a gator,

but he could pin a koala in ten seconds flat.

Anyway, as an Aussie tour guide,

Clem takes tourists from all over the planet in his jeep

and shows them the wonders of this rough and beautiful

country: Ayre's Rock, dingos,

diggeree-doos, you name it.

One day, he picked up a family of Brits:

Mum, Dad (real yahoos who like nothing better than a pot of

tea and a raunchy joke).

But Clem's put up with worse,

he'd just grin and bear it.

The fact they had a knockdown drop-dead gorgeous

daughter didn't hurt.

Well, for Clem, it was love at first sight.

And for Lisa, well, her loser radar

nearly blew off the scale.

But hey, all's fair in love and war,

and Clem was ready for battle - to win this pretty

little sheila's heart.

So Clem pulled out all the stops.

Caught a lizard for her, tried to surf,

even took them to see some ancient aboriginal

cave drawings.

Mum and Dad are real impressed,

but Lisa?

No go schmoe.

She won't even talk to him.

A right real snob, that one.

But as I say, Clem's a fighter and that night,

as he threw another shrimp on the barbie,

he got a great idea.

He convinced Mum and Dad to take a special four wheel

drive adventure deep into the outback.

See some kangaroos!

Just the four of them.

Of course, the parents accepted...nothing they'd

like better than a photo op with a kangaroo -

much to Lisa's horror.

They started off bright and early the next morning

in Clem's jeep.

Off they went, deep into the rocky outback.

Unfortunately, there's not a roo in sight.

Dad started to complain, but Clem patiently assured them

they'd soon be surrounded by herds of them.

Lisa's in the back seat, of course,

so Clem spent a lot of time looking in the rearview

instead of where he's going and eventually...BANG!

"Not to worry, not to worry, happens all the time."

Clem insisted the family stay in the car out of the

sun, while he, all manly like,

started changing the wheel like an old pro.

Now, Clem was on his knees, screwing in the bolts and he

gets up to give a wink to Lisa,

when staring him in the face across the jeep's hood

was the big hairy mug of a kangaroo.

Both of them let out a bit of a shriek,

and they both keeled over.

Now Mum and Dad piled out of the jeep and stood around

the kangaroo, poking it to see if it's alive.

"Looks like you've given him a heart attack!"

laughed Dad.

Lisa recoiled, horrified.

Clem, desperate to make the best of the situation,

agreed.

What a photo op!

Clem propped up the poor beast against the jeep

and Dad pulled out the camera and handed it to Clem.

"Just like my best mate!" crowed Dad.

"Let's get your sunglasses on him Clem."

Lisa just stewed in the jeep.

But Clem's a fighter, remember?

So when Dad figured Clem's jacket would make the pic

even better, Clem obliged, hoping this would make Lisa

laugh, a little at least.

But Lisa?

She thought it was disgusting.

Suddenly the roo gave his head a shake,

and bounced away, still wearing Clem's jacket

and shades.

Could it be? For once, Clem's victorious.

Lisa laughed and laughed - music to his ears!

He finally had a chance with her.

That is, until Clem realized the keys to the jeep were in

the jacket and the kanga was now a bouncing speck

on the horizon!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

It was a remarkably long hot walk home and Clem

never saw his beloved Lisa again.

I hear they didn't even tip him either.

And next time Clem saw those cave drawings he noticed

something he'd never seen before.

Here's one from Joliette, Quebec.

Claude writes; Dear Larry, do you know if there's

life on Mars?

Well Claude, we're gonna find out right now.

Come on!

Wow! You're right.

I see a cockroach. He's very far away - teeny-tiny...

That's me, you idiot!

You're looking through the wrong end!

Here.

Ugh, there.

Now look out the window - come on. Whadya see?

Yeah, yeah.

I see that lady bug in the flower shop

across the street...

UP! UP! Maurice, up! Look up at the sky.

[GASP] You're right.

There is life on Mars.

But it's the strangest, weirdest,

ugliest life I've ever seen.

Let me look at this!

Take a look!

[GASP]

Oh my gosh!

This is disgusting.

Now you folks at home.

If you don't have a strong stomach,

don't look...

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