Original subtitles

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Hi there. In our never-ending quest for Freaky stuff,

our crack correspondent has been dispatched to bring you

a live interview with one of the freakiest creatures

in the World, The Loch Ness Monster.

We'll be back after our first story.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Laura.

She had a wonderful life, with a wonderful husband,

Wilson.

He was perfect.

Almost.

You see Wilson had this little hang up.

When Wilson was a kid his sister Wendy buried him

in the sand.

And when she scooped sand over his neck,

Wilson began to cry.

[crying]

That night he had a nightmare about it where the

sand just kept piling on top of him until he was covered

by a giant sandcastle and crabs and -

like I said, it was a nightmare.

Now most nightmares disappear with age but

Wilson's just got worse.

Even when he grew up he was convinced that one day he'd

be buried alive.

Wilson was so scared of being buried alive he

couldn't even look at a shovel without

getting nervous.

Snowstorms terrified him.

Even though Wilson was a little weird Laura was

so in love, she didn't mind.

The wedding was beautiful but Laura knew something was

wrong when the wedding guests started throwing rice.

He couldn't help it - he suddenly had terrible

visions of being buried in rice.

So that night Wilson confessed his fear to Laura

and she came up with a plan.

They would build a special burial chamber - and inside

it they'd hook up a special phone.

A hotline.

And the phone would be directly connected to a

hotline phone in their house.

That way when Wilson was buried he'd always know that

all he had to do to escape his grave was phone home.

And Laura promised that when he passed on,

she'd sit by that phone for a whole year

to wait for his call.

For the first time in his life Wilson

stopped being scared.

In the summer he actually let kids bury him in the sand.

In the winter he went outside and built a snowman.

He was as happy as he'd ever been.

Happy enough to take Laura on an African Safari.

They had a grand time venturing into the most

remote jungles.

It was there Wilson got bitten.

It looked like a purple mosquito - and he swatted it

as soon as it stung him -- but it sure wasn't any

ordinary mosquito because an hour later Wilson was on a

plane, which was met by an ambulance,

which took him to a hospital.

The doctors were mystified.

Wilson was going fast.

He wasn't scared though because Laura was there

beside him - and she swore she'd put that phone in his

special burial chamber.

Laura, grief stricken, announced her plan.

The folks at the local cemetery were a little surprised.

So was the telephone company.

A phone line?

In the grave?

Everyone thought this was crazy - not to mention

expensive.

But she promised.

And sure enough - they installed the fancy silver phone.

At her home, in the living room,

right next to the T.V. set and the gold- fish bowl -

they installed an identical silver phone.

The hotline.

And just like she promised Laura sat by the phone,

she ate by the phone.

She even showered by the phone.

Oh, she would not leave that room - never mind the house.

For one month.

Then two.

Then ten.

Eleven.

And her friends and family would come over,

beg her to get out of that house,

take a vacation - at least get out of that house,

stop staring at that silver phone.

But she couldn't break her promise.

They just shook their heads.

Then one day after eleven months and twenty eight days

Wilson's sister Wendy came over.

The one who had buried him in the sand all those years ago.

Wendy was so excited she was practically bouncing.

She'd won a trip for two to Hawaii.

Leaving today.

"Come with me," she begged.

Laura looked at the ticket to Hawaii.

Looked at that silver phone.

Looked at the calendar.

And then back at Wendy "But it hasn't been a year."

"Dear," said Wendy, "It's only a few more days.

I think he would have called by now."

Laura looked at the ticket again,

looked at the silver phone and looked at Wendy who said

"free surf lessons and tickets to a luau."

An hour later her bags were packed.

And Laura was out that door, on her way to Hawaii.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Laura. [PHONE RINGS]

She came home from Hawaii, rested and tanned and

blissfully sure her husband had passed on.

And this time she was right.

Okay, without further ado, we cut live to our

correspondent somewhere in Loch Ness...

Take it away, Loch Ness.

'Tis a bra bricht day here at the bottom o' the loch.

What's with the Scottish accent.

When you're lookin' for the likes o' the Loch Ness

Monster, 'tis the thing to do.

Imagine if we sent him to interview Godzilla.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

You know those identical twins who dress the same and

do everything together like they're almost the same

person?

Well Trixie and Tammy weren't like that.

They were identical twins all right.

But close?

Only during wrestling matches over the remote.

They hated each other's music,

they hated each other's friends,

if they wore the same clothes it was only to get

the other one angry.

Trixie spotted Roger first.

He was trying out for quarterback and she was

trying out for cheerleader and she actually did a

double somersault just so he'd notice her.

And Tammy spotted the guy in science class and asked if

she could borrow some frog intestines just to have

something to say.

But then Trixie went right up to Roger

and asked him out.

And he said yes.

And did she flaunt it in her sister's face?

Girl...You can't buy that much attitude with a

double triple platinum card.

Well, maybe Tammy couldn't spell sabotage but she sure

had a real taste for it.

So that night when Trixie was getting ready for her

date, Tammy got ready too.

She wore the same dress, the same shoes,

the same slightly tacky hairdo.

But she did one thing her sister would never do.

She sat down for the hugest, garlic,

onion, and limburger cheese salad anyone ever saw.

Then she followed her unsuspecting sister

to the movies.

Trixie and Roger sat in the front row,

Tammy huddled near the back.

Waiting for the extra large diet soda to work it's magic

on Trixie.

Nature called and Trixie made for the ladies room.

And that's when Tammy pounced.

She slipped in beside Roger, pretending to be Trixie,

gazed longingly into his eyes,

and laid the biggest, wettest,

stinkiest one on him.

Her breath was so bad Roger thought he'd lose his

Number 4 combo.

He ran screaming up the aisle,

passing Trixie so fast he never even saw her.

Revenge burned through Trixie's mind like a

curling iron on a vinyl couch.

Next day?

Tammy asked Roger out.

She picked him up for a cozy little drive-in date...

and had no idea her evil twin Trixie had hidden herself

in the trunk, ready to strike back.

So when Tammy went off for a second helping of

Chubby Chews, Trixie made her move.

She climbed in the car pretending she was Tammy.

Snuggled right up close.

Rolled up the windows.

And let loose a gas attack that could only have been

caused by that huge bowl of brown beans she forked down

right before the show.

Roger turned green and announced a sudden desire

to walk home.

So you'd think these girl's would give up now, huh?

But not these two.

Prom season was fast approaching and both were

determined Roger would never be the other one's date.

Tammy posed as Trixie and painted her teeth green.

Trixie posed as Tammy claiming a highly contagious

eye infection.

Roger couldn't turn around without one of them throwing

a really hideous affliction in his face...until both of

them tackled him at the Dance and Bowl.

And so, feeling extreme pity, Roger said yes.

Wrote their names on their wrists in indelible marker

and said he'd pick them up at eight.

The girls were in shock.

I mean why would a guy like Roger want to go out with

either one of them, let alone BOTH?

And they were right to wonder.

'Cause Prom night came and when they got to the dance

they're BOTH totally disappointed.

Roger showed up in the ugliest powder blue tux

you've ever seen.

His grace on the football field somehow didn't

translate to the dance floor.

He got punch all over Tammy and spit all over Trixie

when he talked.

And just when they thought the whole disastrous night

was over and they could go home and start blaming each

other, the guy insisted on taking them out for

shakes and fries.

At the burger joint suddenly everything became clear.

Roger had just elbowed a plate of fries and gravy on

Tammy's taffeta dress when the girls heard a very

familiar laugh coming from the back corner booth.

They turned.

And they absolutely couldn't believe their eyes.

There was Roger!

A second Roger!

But with a way nicer tux and a way nicer girl.

And the truth hit the twins right between their eyes.

Roger was an identical twin too!

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Tammy and Trixie.

The blonde in the blue dress is Tammy.

The brunette in red is Trixie.

Okay, we're back with our correspondent who is...

MAURICE: Here he comes! Ladies and gentlemen...

I bring you the Lock Ness Monster!

He gotta be kidding. Maurice!

What?

Oops.

Blub, blub.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...Lizzy,

a bit of an odd duck.

She never played make-believe as a little

child, was never interested in Cinderella or

Rumpellstiltskin.

Instead she spent her free time charting the growth

patterns of mold or learning how to spell

in ancient Greek.

She certainly didn't believe in vampires...Or so she thought.

Anyway...One day, much to everyone's surprise,

Lizzy signed up for the school's annual camping trip.

Not that a couple of days in the open air wouldn't do her

a world a good.

Singing 'round the campfire, dipping into moonlit lakes

and heaven-forbid, cuddling up to a boy or two.

But our Lizzy had something very different in mind.

Slug hunting.

So to say her co-campers failed to warm to poor Lizzy

would be an understatement.

The very first night the tiniest of bats made a

little swoop toward Lizzy's head.

That girl freaked out like no one would ever

have believed.

Needless to say the other teens were intrigued.

No one would've pegged Lizzy as a bat-phobic kind of girl.

Those kids pounced on it.

Then they scooped up a bat and stuffed the poor

creature under Lizzy's flap.

And when Lizzy and the bat finally emerged...

Lizzy had a crazed look in her eyes.

And the tiniest of bat bites right on her neck.

Now the kids didn't let up the whole way back to town.

She'd been bitten by a bat.

"She'd turn into a vampire for sure".

But now in the light of day, Lizzy was calm,

collected, she had too scientific a mind to be

afraid of the undead.

The symptoms were subtle at first.

Back at home.

Lizzy became lethargic.

She could barely get out of bed day after day.

She'd lie in her darkened room,

curtains closed, unable to face the day.

If it'd been only that, Lizzy might have been able

to shake it.

But she suddenly developed a craving for meat.

Rare meat.

Nearly raw meat.

Late at night she'd sneak into the kitchen,

fry herself up a couple of extra rare liver burgers

and wolf them down.

And then it got even worse.

The girl got this image of the hugest glass of tomato

juice in her head and she just couldn't shake it.

She needed a jug of it.

So she snuck out past dark and headed straight for the

all night Drive and Sip.

She loaded up on every brand they had and carted her

bounty home.

Draining jar after jar, can after can...Lizzy sat on her

bed and gave recent developments some serious thought.

The bat bite throbbed and she hadn't seen the light of

day in a week.

There was only one explanation.

Lizzy was really and truly turning into a vampire.

How long would it be until she was drooling at the

sight of an unprotected neck.

It was all too, too horrible.

Something had to be done.

So the next day Lizzy forced herself into the noon day

sun and to her family doctor's office.

She begged the doctor to do something.

"Cure me, treat me, hook me up with an affordable

blood bank before it's all too late!!!"

The doctor remained calm.

Looked into her eyes.

Took a few samples, consulted his chart.

Then gave her the news.

One, she had a vitamin deficiency.

Two she needed a better sun block.

And three if she didn't stay up all night hunting

gastropods she might be able to stay awake during the day.

And as for that bite?

He told her to take two aspirin and call him in the

morning...which Lizzy did.

This is a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Lizzy.

Don't see much of her.

Bet she's hiding.

Doesn't want to be seen with those ugly braces on her fangs.

So long, Nessie. See ya.

So Larry, where are you sending me for the next show?

To the middle of the Sahara Desert.

The middle of the Sahara Desert?

Are you kidding?

It's scorching hot.

There's no one around for hundreds of miles.

What idiot creature is gonna be

in the middle of the Sahara Desert?

You.

This is a true story, it happened to a friend

of a friend of mine.

Actually my very nosy co-worker, Tina.

Want to know how nosy she is?

Well, her nosiness caused loads of problems doing

simple things like grocery shopping.

She was always bumping into people while she was busy

looking in other customer's shopping baskets.

Tina and I worked at one of those big downtown hotels.

It was great for Tina.

Everyday there were new visitors in new rooms with

new luggage and new things that she could peek into.

Now don't get me wrong, she was very good at her job,

almost as good as I am at mine.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel,

kicked your shoes off, undressed and just left

everything where it fell?

Then you come back and find your clothes folded and put

away, your bathroom stuff rearranged according to

liquid volume and height, and your shoes are neatly

lined up according to color!

They even look like they were polished!

Well you've probably just been Tina-ed.

She was very conscientious.

A model maid.

She made great tips too.

And why not?

When you've just spent the morning snooping around in

everyone's luggage, toiletries and drawers,

it's a good idea to straighten up so no one

notices what you've been up to!

Tina worked at the hotel for a long,

long time and was never caught.

There were some very close calls mind you.

Like the time she was snooping through a lady

guest's cosmetic bag and saw a shade of lipstick that she

thought might suit her eye color.

While she was 'borrowing' a thick application of the

stuff, the lady unexpectedly came back to the room.

Tina was just quick enough to snap the lady's purse shut.

The lady excused herself, "Don't let me get in your

way, I just forgot my purse..."

Tina turned around and said, "No problem,

with the biggest, freshest, reddest lips

you've ever seen!

You'd think the lady would have noticed but she just

complimented Tina on the shade of her lipstick,

and left.

Then one fateful day, Tina learned a big lesson.

It was a particularly busy weekend.

There was a home furnishings trade show in town and the

hotel was full of 'furniture-folk'.

Tina was cleaning up one of the delegate's rooms.

Once Tina was sure the coast was clear she started into

her routine.

She looked in the drawers.

Then into his suitcase.

Nothing there either.

She headed to her 'never-miss' area: the bathroom.

Sure enough, she hit pay-dirt!

She eyed a group of identical exotic-looking

spray cans.

The label on them read "SUPER-STRENGTH WITH

CONDITIONER".

She picked one up, shook it, sprayed a little in the air,

sniffed, then said, "(cough cough) Hmmmm,

just what I needed!"

You see, Tina always had 'problem' hair.

She positioned herself in front of the mirror,

took careful aim and sprayed with all her might.

Tina made sure she covered the top,

back, and sides thoroughly.

She stood back to admire her work when suddenly her scalp

started to feel funny.

She noticed that the spray had begun to foam and bubble

up on her hair.

She figured it must be the 'conditioner'

part of the spray.

Then the bubbles got bigger and bigger,

bursting forth little 'poofs' of warm gas!

Tina wasn't worried though, because sure enough her

patience paid off.

Within a minute or two, everything had died down and

her hair was finally set in place.

"Wow. This stuff really works", she uttered as she marveled

at the label once again.

She was just about to turn the label around to see what

was in the miraculous stuff when the door opened.

She was caught can in hand!

Fortunately, the guest was in such a hurry he hardly

noticed, just grabbed the can from Tina's hands with a

friendly 'thank you'.

Tina just smiled knowing she had dodged another bullet.

As the guest was leaving he yelled back,

"What kinda furniture stripper would I be without

my samples!"

Tina was frozen in her tracks.

Sheer terror overcame her.

She ran to the counter, picked up one of the other

cans, quickly turned it over and read clearly the rest of

the label: "SUPER-STRENGTH WITH CONDITIONER

PAINT STRIPPER"!

She looked in the mirror, slowly tapped her rock-hard hair.

It shattered into a million pieces

leaving her totally bald.

It's a true story.

It happened to a friend of a friend of mine,

Tina, who has become a fanatic about privacy.

When she finds out someone is snooping,

she flips her wig.

Our first letter.

Is it true that Larry graduated from Medical school?

Oh, yeah. I was a doctor once.

In fact, I remember...

Tell me, Doctor, how much do you charge?

Fifty dollars for the first visit,

Twenty dollars for the second visit.

Five dollars for the third visit...

Well, here I am, my fifth visit.

Won't you have a seat?

Oh, thanks, I'll take it on my way out.

Doctor, what's wrong with me?

You need open head surgery.

How much do you charge for an operation?

Well, different prices.

For brain surgery, eight hundred dollars.

Heart, six hundred.

Liver, four hundred.

With onions, four and a quarter.

I think I'm sick from eating bad fish.

You should see a sturgeon. [rimahot]

Last week, I told you to drink a glass of orange juice

after a hot bath.

Yeah well, I'm still not finished drinking the hot bath.

Look me in the face.

I've got my own troubles.

You don't get me. -I don't want you.

How do you sleep?

Like this. [snoring]

See you next time...

And keep those letters coming.

Yeah!

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