Original subtitles

WEBVTT - Beware of THE JÖNSSON GANG EngSubs

STYLE ::cue { color: yellow; }

NOTE Translated by: JojoVV on opensubtitles.org Unfortunately, the last two versions of these subs used a "DVD-rip" which omitted 7 WHOLE MINUTES of the start of the film as basis. So, these corrected subs should be used with a proper rip where the music "kicks in" at exactly 02.605 seconds, and an image of the moon fades in after 15 seconds. The original comments follow below: I've had vague memories of watching the movies as a child, and definitely played the first point-and-click game based on the series. Now that I revisit the series as an adult... It's safe to say I still love it enough to want to share with the English-speaking world, warts and all. Happy watching!

Rubber gloves...

Packed.

The talc...

The torch...

The chamois leather...

And the stethoscope.

- ... What's that? - Spare parts!

Fine... The lockpicks?

The whipped cream spray...

... And the smaller spray.

The sausage.

- The masks... - This isn't dangerous, is it?

Nah... It's watertight, y'know.

Of course it is.

Inspector, where is the Jönsson gang?

Not this again...

- One of our contacts sent me a tip- - Young man...

This is the Jönsson gang... No solved cases.

But we could get them this time, Inspector. I got a tip!

- They said the gang will strike tonight! - The fishing club has its annual meeting tonight, but alright... Where?

The time is exactly 22:26.

26 past 10.

The operation begins exactly 22:38.

8 past half past, got it.

- Here... - Shh!

Hey, Rocky! Get the sausage!

- Be careful, now... - Shh!

This is a routine check. May I see your license?

Well, I... Think I forgot it. I'm a Chief Inspector - the name's Svensson.

Could you show me any other kind of identification, then?

- And I'm Holm from the police sector. - Do you have your license, then?

N-no I don't have it, but the Jönsson gang- don't you understand, they'll strike any-

- Clever shit. - But of course...

Clever shit!

- It's brilliant, y'know - we're simply a brilliant gang. - Of course we are!

Rocky? Take care of the alarm.

The bag! [inaudible]

Hey, Sickan, look - it's a Franz Jäger-safe, y'know, it's brilliant!

Shhhh!

NOTE This is where the original version of the subtitles started. Many of the cues were automatically pushed forward timing wise; I have checked manually that all of them appear properly, though.

[mumbling]

Idiot!

YOU SWEET TOOTH!! Cream...

Cream-faced... Loon!

- Put them up. - What?

Put them up...

- What?! - Put your hands up! Just do it!!

Beware Øf THE JÖNSSON GANG

SCRIPT: ROLF BÖRJLIND BASED ON THE ORIGINAL BY: ERIK BALLING & HENNING BAHS

CAMERA: ROLAND STERNER

MUSIC: RAGNAR GRIPPE

PRODUCER: INGEMAR EJVE

DIRECTION: JONAS CORNELL

Hurry, hurry, we're already late!

Hurry u-...

Car's shit...

Nah, you're totally off. This one's a steal - I know the car trade inside n' out...

Whatever, just hurry up.

Come on, calm down - he's not even here, right?

We've actually got 1 minute and 23 seconds left;

Japanese clock, first-grade goods, comes in handy.

ИAꓘƆIƧ ƎMOƆ⅃ƎW

Bet he's already left!

Hush, Bill - don't say that!

- Look, guys, there he is! Welcome, Sickan! - Sickaaan!!

- Go Sickan, go! - Beautiful, Sickaaan!!

- Turn it around. - We did it wrong? Is this better, Sickan?! Look!

WELCOME SICKAN

Guys, you seein' that envelope?! He's got a plan - good ol' Sickan!

... What's he doing? What's goin' on?

The hell is he up to? Sickan!

- Somebody else is here to pick'im up...? - That can't be it, he would never abandon us!

"Never, never," we are the gang! Like, he doesn't know anyone else, we're all he's... got...

- What'd I tell you? - Unbelievable.

Leavin' without a word... What's up with that?

- Now what? - We're tailin'im, duh!

- Car's shit. Shit! - Whatever...

Wall-Enberg Junior, banker.

Jönsson, Charles-Ingvar.

- It's a pleasure. - Likewise.

I assume that you know the details?

Indeed. Surely you know that I shared a cell with Mr. Gottfridsson, the attorney.

Yes... Poor Gottfridsson.

- He sends his warmest regards. - Does he? Thank you.

Gotfridsson implied that the issue is a safe of the model: Franz Jäger, Berlin series, model 32.

That is correct.

- I don't get it... - Nothin' unusual about that.

But we did what we always do!

We were there 9 o'clock, he came out with a plan, we'd be back in business... Yet now we're here!

Well...

I have to say, resting here for a few days would be wonderful.

- That's a given - and we are paying all the expenses, too. - But of course!

- Well, I thought that Mr. Jönsson maybe would- - Call me "C I".

C I, as in "Charles-Ingvar"-C I.

- Ah, alright. Cheers on that. - ... Cheers.

As I was saying, I believe you would like some information about this operation?

- That tends to help, yes. - Naturally.

The safe is located in a villa in Switzerland.

This villa belonged to Director Fromm, who handled our- no, the international interests of the company.

- "I see," indeed...

- Unfortunately, Fromm passed away very suddenly two weeks ago.

- Tragic. - Yes, very.

So, he was the only one to know the combination to the safe?

Yes, sadly.

Je comprends... Verstehe... I see...

And that is where you enter the picture... Feel free!

Ah, thank you. Er, I see, indeed...

The operation begins Thursday.

- I assume that everything is timed and prepared? - Down to the very last detail!

What do you think of this?

Well...

Attorney Gotfridsson has been a great help with the legal details...

What, 25 percent?!

Well, considering that the investment company has international expenses prepared...

That said, I would not like to act improperly!

I assume you won't disclose any of this?

I swear on my honor.

Look, stuff's movin' around in there.

What a guy!

But that means Sickan's gotta be alone in there!

- C'mon, let's go. - Don't you think this could be dangerous?

Nah, never. It'll be fine if you let me handle this - c'mon!

Yeah, I'm lookin' for Charles-Ingvar Jönsson?

Yeah, tell'im Vanheden sends his regards, that's usually enough!

By the way, do y'all take American Express here?

Mister Jönsson says to meet him in the solarium.

Rocky, the solarium.

Thanks!

Oh, would you look at that? What a surprise!

- Hiya, Sickan! - It's "Charles-Ingvar"!

Welcome to freedom, Charles "Ingvall," heh...

Buy something nice.

Come on now, take a seat.

And, how is life treating you?

- Thank you we're doing well how are you- - And Eivor?

- Why Eivor is fine and dandy and she's been- - And the children?

- Children? If you're talking about Bill, he is sitting in the car right now!

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Ugh, such kitsch...

And you, Si- uh, Charles, what's going on?

Wh- what are you planning?

Unfortunately, when it comes to my immediate future, my lips have been sealed.

- Eh, loosen'em up a bit, Sickan! - "Charles-Ingvar"!

However, gentlemen, I could let slip this much:

finally, I have found coworkers who both appreciate exclusive work skills, have ambition...

... And know the costs.

Th-then I guess... We're not all that?

Even though we've spent our whole lives stealing... Don't old friendships mean anything to you anymore?

To be honest? No.

What you two never seem to have fully grasped is...

That when it comes to the big sums - millions, billions...

Old friendships actually mean nothing in the international financial circles.

Then what matters in those circles?

Heh! He's absolutely an idiot.

All he's good for is opening safes.

No, we can keep calm, he's the perfect tool!

Tell you what, the madman had the guts to ask for 25 percent!

No, it's true - 25! On paper!

Sickan's passed on...

He's working with others now.

We're not enough anymore, we're worthless, ran over...

He just... Knocked his forehead like that, and smiled...

's all over! No plans no more, no millions - it's all over.

Rocky!

Huh? What's up?

I can smell the morning air.

- Is it the incense? I could open the door- - Nah, I'm talkin' about the gang.

What about it?

We are the gang, you n' me. Sickan's out.

We are? How are we the gang?

Lemme tell you how: we'll start our own, create a business.

Never heard of limited partnerships or joint stocks?

Right? What'cha think about makin' our own moves?

Yeah, that's-!

Hold on, wha- what'll we make?

What we'll make? Chrissakes, man, the market's open like a-

Like a...?

Yeah, like... Like a clam!

Y'know, you just gotta grab those, uh... Pearls before they run away. Get it?

But what will we DO?

You a broken record, or what? Same thing we've always done!

NOTE Just a fun detail: the original phrase above was "Käkar du karbonpapper eller?", meaning "You eatin' carbon paper or what?", which for a while was Stockholman slang for constantly repeating yourself due to carbon paper being used for photocopies.

- Waiting for Sickan? - Nah, we're not waitin' for Sickan...

We'll pull heists - big, brilliant heists!

Stockholm's packed with... with...

- With what? - Y'know, packed with ice cream trucks,

newspaper stands, pensi- I've got it... I've got it. I've got a plan!

- A plan? - Yeah, a brilliant plan - a terrific heist, y'know!

- The crown jewels? - Gonna one-up ya there, sweetheart, I'm talking 'bout the biggest cut.

The tickets.

Our contact in Switzerland is Dr. Carl Schmetterlink.

He'll meet you at the airport - the rest will solve itself.

I see, I see.

Honestly, this isn't anything out of the ordinary... It's barely even illegal!

- "The biggest cut," huh? - Sure thing!

The heist of our dreams... That's a treasure trove!

Looks more like a Pressbyrån-kiosk to me, that.

Whatever - you lack imagination, that's your problem.

- The hell's YOUR problem?! Can't you drive? - Don't gimme crap 'bout that!

Here I work up a sweat, cleaning that goddamned window over and over...!

- {Beautiful, no?} - ... I can see the lake myself, yes.

NOTE The above line has one part in German: "Sehr schön, nicht?" and one in Swedish: "Ja, jag ser sjön." Sickan heard "beautiful" ("schön") and thought he was talking about a lake ("sjön"). Had a hard time thinking of a way to replicate this pun in just one language (especially English), so just... Didn't, this one time.

Yes... {Please... Come... Thank- thank you very much.}

{Please... Don't... No clicking, please.}

Oh. Whoops.

If only Sickan was here...

NOTE The track they're playing is a higher-pitched version of "Dancing Aztecs" by Bengt Palmers and Ragnar Grippe; yes, the latter wrote the OST of the films as well hence the cameo. The full version is available here at the moment if you want to take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HYxpMzOsZI

Coward... Pull yourself together, Rocky! And turn the radio off!

Car's shit.

C'mon...

Get a move on!

The torch.

- Brilliant... - Of course.

"A real treasure trove," huh?

Knock it off!

They've just hidden the cash - get searchin'!

Gotta have the lockpick... Hold on.

Nice, nice...!

Check this out! ... Right? Look.

What are you doing? The lights-!

- I can't believe I wasn't there when the earl came over, he was so wonderful! - Yes, yes! Unbelievable! ... I need some cigars. Hold on.

Evening, I would like six Schimmelpennincks?

- Uh, six...? - Yes, six. An upside-down nine, if that helps!

Six Schimmelpennincks, huh? Comin' right up!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

Pretty cold outside, I think, but uh... It's warm, too.

Er, if you don't have Schimmelpennincks, simpler cigars work fine!

Yeah, you heard'im, numbskull, some simpler cigars! Cigars...

Well, here you have your cigars.

And here you have your money.

That's nice, then we're even!

- Ah... Good evening. - Have a good one!

Good evening!

Uh... Good evenin'!

Cars.

Nah, that was many years ago, like, not my area anymore - it was my brother, Leopold!

... Like, chewy cars.

Oh, those car-shaped sweets! Welp, here I am, jokin' around on the job!

... Sweets, right! Well...

Here you go - it's on the house - we know how tough and thankless your job can be at times!

Hand some out to your buddies at the office, too! Feel free!!

... Thanks...

Outta here, now.

The cash.

Huh?

Chocolate balls!

Get out!

We're out of here.

The hell? ... Our car!

Hey, you! Hit the brakes!

Oh, come ba-... What's up with that?!

Everything is under control.

We can calm the banks and stock holders down.

Who? Oh, him! Oh, that Jönsson! No no no...

We don't need to worry about him, thanks to the Swiss police!

Indeed, they're effective.

No! Money!

No wallet...

No watch...

No car!

If you two work a couple nights more, we could at least open a nudist camp in here!

You teasing us won't make things better...

Let me take a look...

Your past is filthy - dust in the life line and sweat in the heart line.

Sickan!

It's "Charles-Ingvar".

Already a millionaire?

- Want a seat? - No...

I want ten seconds of silence.

I have a plan.

Oh, do you? What a surprise, Charles!

Welp, guess we're booking tickets to Hawaii again!

Last time we forgot the refund...

Hush! If he has a plan, you just have to listen.

Ooo~ Straight from Paris, I see!

Yeah, all millionaires gotta be original somehow, right Sick- uh, Charles?

- I have been tricked. - You, tricked?

{Oh dear...}

Hey, how'd THIS pan out?

- What'd you write on your shirt? - Huh?

I. Have. A. Plan!

ON your sleeve?

No... I've already talked with that granny seven times today. Enough is enough!

Explain that a male forcing itself on her dog Majsan isn't a case for the police, OK?!

We have a message from Switzerland. It's about Froum... The Bulvanian who pulled the rug out before we could arrest him.

What rug?

NOTE The original line is closer to "He pulled our beards."/"What beards?" Unfortunately the meaning does not QUITE overlap with the English idiom of pulling someone's beard.

Um... Anyways, Fromm died a while ago,

and apparently somebody broke into his villa - the whole safe has been emptied.

All they could find was a bag, some rubber gloves,

and talcum powder from a Swedish brand.

What model of safe?

Franz Jäger.

Jönsson...

No, Jäger?

- But nothing is missing from the safe! - Except the Bedford Diamonds.

What's that?

They say the Bedford Diamonds are the most expensive collection of privately owned diamonds.

They used to belong to the viceroy of India, but disappeared without a trace during WWII.

Now they're passed around as inflation-proof investments on the black market... For black money.

They don't weigh as much as gold, either.

When did Fromm enter the picture?

Fromm was part of an international investment enterprise that had put all their money on the Bedford Diamonds.

Fromm kept those diamonds at his home...

But then, as you know, he up and died suddenly.

- What's their worth, then? - If treated with care, as things are on that level...

- I'd say twenty millions. - That much?

In dollars.

Twenty million dollars...

You sayin' it's in dollars? 20 millions?!

Times that... Times that...

There's not that much money in the world!

I have seen it myself.

But... I-isn't this a little dangerous?

Whatever! Higher pain, higher gain - you get that, right?

Eat a pig and maybe you'll calm down; we're hittin' the road!

On the contrary! We'll lay low and let the others handle the hard part.

Oh, that's more like it. Treat'em with the silk gloves first, that's how to get'em.

What's the hard part?

Selling the diamonds.

Who could buy something that expensive?

Guess.

The Sheikh of Abradan...

An oil dealer who has no idea what to do with all of his millions,

and is planning to invest some of them in the Bedford Diamonds.

Hey, check it out, we've got company!

Gotta watch out for the cops...

So it'll all go down the drain anyway!

On the contrary, it's just as I've calculated.

The police are here to escort the Sheikh to the hotel in Saltsjöbaden, where they are holding a conference.

That way, he gets a free escort of the three suitcases containing twenty million dollars.

- Just imagine, twenty millions... - In a strong currency at that!

- That's illegal, you know! - Very.

Then why are we just standing around here?

We're standing guard for them!

- Doesn't seem wise to me. - No, but we've got our reasons.

What do you think interfering would lead to?

Somebody getting sued?

A governmental crisis... Already got enough of them in this country!

If somebody unravels a single thread of the Sheikh's turban, the diplomatic troubles would come up immediately.

Restrictions on oil... Currencies collapsing, market speculations, and so on and so forth.

When the big elephants dance, it's up to the police to make sure the curtains stay up!

If we plan an operation down to the last detail...

... Keep track every minute - every second - through the binoculars...

... We could strike at just the right moment, and the Bedford Diamonds would be right there. Wouldn't that be nice?

Yep - and then you'd have to start over out on patrol and catch seniors walking the red lights. Is that what you want?

At the Academy I learned that crime never pays off, at least.

The building is... Here.

That's a brilliant plan, Sickan, brilliant!

"Charles-Ingvar"!

You actually thought it all through.

But of course! Who else would?

I would!

W-what's that?

- A bombshell. - Huh??

... Plane tickets?

To Hawaii!

That's where my little millionaire has planned to go by the end of the week, just as usual!

W-well, yes, but is this for all of us?

Sure thing - and we'll be filthy rich, just as usual!

You can bet your li'l butt on that - Charlie's got a great plan, y'know!

- As usual. - But of course!

- Timed and prepped. - Yup, just as usual.

Perhaps we should concentrate on the operation for a bit?

Where is the sleeve?

Here.

Here, here.

This is what we'll need:

100 balloons, 1 bus, 1 boat.

The boat needs an extremely tall mast.

To achieve this, we need one slab of meat and one tiny dog.

The meat slab, Rocky... The meat!

Who's a good boy... Wh- Who's a good boy?!

Lay- lay down!

- Brilliant. - But of course!

- Go up and fix that! - Oh, calm down! Let's move that... Jump it!

Rocky!

Bill has gotten all the instructions, yes?

Yeah, I told Eivor to wake him up before she does the paper rounds!

Hit the gas, guys!

Yeah, that's good!

- Just jump it. - Alright!

Sickan, just jump it! What's with the fuss?

'Aight, now you jump.

Coming!

And the boat has fuel...

Yep, full of juice.

Not petrol?

NOTE They originally used the term "soppa", which normally means soup but occasionally is used as slang for fuel - but only in Stockholm. (I guess that "souped up", while not having QUITE the same meaning, would also have worked considering the particulars of their plan...?)

- Bill is done. - Yeah, yeah.

The measuring tape...

Everything's timed and prepared, right? We just need the balloons.

Yeah, I'll get that done.

Good. Vanheden, you and I will 'catch' the bus, alright?

- Sure thing. - Good, then...

What's this?

What are you doing? These are my things!

Guess they WERE your things...

"Were"... What's the meaning of this?

Guess you should talk to the biddy upstairs.

Biddy?

Eivor... Eivor, what have you done?!

I've made my decision!

- What do you mean? - Every word.

Honey, I mean every word I'm saying: I'm tired of all your planning.

Always the same plans, the same things, the same hullabaloo.

Y-you're moving out? Back to your mother in Farsta?

No, to Hawaii!

Wh- wuh... weren't we all supposed to?

Great, then we'll get some company!

But what about our home?

Weren't we supposed to become millionaires?

... Of course we will...

And go to Hawaii on Sunday, filthy rich?

Definitely!

And we won't be coming back for a while, right?

Hardly!

- Well, there you have it. Get it, honey? - No...

There'd be no reason to let this house rot in the meantime, right? Right.

The flowers have gone to Sis in Rocksta, new tenants are coming on Monday, full speed ahead!

We'll donate the clothes to Sverigehjälpen, our furniture goes to Myrorna... We'll do our part for the colony!

NOTE Sverigehjälpen, lit. "The Sweden-help", being an organisation that helps people in need, (curiously, results have vanished from Google but were found on Ecosia as of this writing...) and Myrorna, lit. "The ants", being a chain of second-hand stores across the country.

There's a small fire at the neighbour's...

There has to be something we can do...

Yes, sure... Our duty!

Listen: those millions will be traded for the Bedford Diamonds here, nice and easy.

Then the diamonds fly out of the country, and those millions trickle down into the elephants' cofferts.

There's naught we can do about it... Nothing.

- Will you make it, li'l guy? - Sure thing, it'll be easy! And you?

Yes yes, everything's fine - everything's up there, see?

- For sure? - For sure!

's not dangerous, is it?

Piece of cake.

Hey, dad... I got you this marzipan pig!

- Good luck and goodbye! - Same here, see you!

Shoo!

Shoo, you... woodpecker!

NOTE No idea whether him calling the bird the wrong species is a reference to something. Googling the phrase "Schas hackspett" only brings up a few people talking about this film, so... Rocky-ism? A joke about him bungling terms up? Perhaps the world will never know...

Go away, go away...

Get out!!

Shoo, shoo!!

Talk about snails...

- Right... - Right?

The snails are talkin'! The snails-

Quiet!

Anytime, I suppose...

SHOO!

Perfect.

That's brilliant, y'know.

But of course.

Hey, Sickan...

... Green side up, right?

NOTE Reference to a comedy act that went on the radio in 1979, parodying a contemporary football manager. Also, I believe there is an actual filler conversation in an Arabic language here, but unfortunately I do not know the language and don't want to do any guesswork.

Oh, if this had been in New York...

It's like a real Mafia setup. The closed bridge... A hidden hold-up.

That's enough, Holm. You've been reading too many bad crime novels...

This is Sweden! Our deliveries go smoothly.

C'mon Sickan, get a wiggle on...!

MOVE IT!!

Sickan, for... Fuck's sake!

Charles-Ingvar...

- Cheers! - Cheers on that!

Y'know, this is good stuff!

Watch out for the Jönsson Gang, guys!

Raise your glass for the millions!

Now let's see...

20 million dollars...

That's 104 millions in crowns, y'know!

Lemme check... Then we've got some expenses for travellin' - but eh, we can pull that off the record - twice, too! And then we'll pull...

All I could pull off is this!

Would you come over for a second?

Sverigehjälpen are coming over tomorrow - think we should save any of this?

Eh, throw the whole thing away!

Yeah, y'know, that's my style - throw the garbage away!

What, "garbage"? Look at this pretty ash tray, we can't just throw it away?

Hey, y'know how much we've got in lira? 24 193 millions-

And what about this fancy tie? It has Hagge Geiger's signature!

Keep it, then! Anyways: 1 943 million pesetas, we're billionaires, all of us!

Not yet.

Not yet?

- Not yet. - What do you mean?

We've got 100 millions and you're just pouting?

Quiet!

The time has come...

W- what for?

Revenge.

Revenge? You yanked the loot out from right under their noses!

Materially speaking, yes. But the psychological blow remains.

What do you mean?

There is something called pride!

I have been treated like a flea, like a... Twit!

People have laughed behind Charles-Ingvar Jönsson's back!

And nobody get away with that.

I have a plan.

- He's cold as ice. - A lunatic.

A brave man!

- Surprised? - Somewhat.

And what do you want, Mister...

Jönsson. Charles-Ingvar Jönsson. Perhaps you recognise me?

Then what do you want, Jönsson?

- The contract. - What contract?

Why... That little contract we signed to break open a safe in Switzerland,

containing the oh-so famous Bedford Diamonds,

which your very good friend Dr. Schmetterlink then brought to Sweden...

In exchange for 20 million dollars which are located right THERE.

... Oh, look!

A good old Franz Jäger... My, what a funny coincidence!

Er, anyway... If my memory serves, it said twentyfive percent in the contract.

I don't understand what you mean.

Ah? That's quite a shame...

The police can usually wrap their heads around this kind of information.

Why do you bring them up?

Nowadays the police are especially interested in black money...

And if my sources are correct, the Bedford Diamonds are wanted over the entire world!

There must have been a misunderstanding!

I know nothing about any Bedford diamonds.

How sad.

The Sheikh of Abradan will be especially devastated to hear that...

Once he calls you to ask why the elegant suitcase he received...

Was empty.

What do you mean? What exactly are you implying?!

... What's in there?

The Bedford Diamonds.

And now, CEO Wall-Enberg, 25 percent won't be enough.

Now I want 50 percent.

You're bluffing.

Car's shit.

OK...

Cigar, beret, thick glasses?

That man has to disappear...

... For good.

Right, right, got that. Disappear for good, yep.

OK!

Eivor!

Stop that at once!

Will you stop the...!

Come on, stop... That... At... Once...

Have you gone stark raving mad, woman?!

Where are they?

There!

The diamonds, you idiot!

Where. Are. They?!

You're driving me nuts!!

This was one...!

{Oh dear, oh dear...}

It's always the same...

I get here... With the most ingenious plan the world has ever seen...

Everything is timed and prepared! Everything is perfect!!

And then everything goes to pot!

And whose fault is that?

Oh, I will tell you that...

Yours, you imbecile - it's all your fault -

and Vanheden's fault, and your sweet-toothed freak of science of a husband...'s fault!!

- Now you'll listen to me, Charles-Ingvar Jönsson... - Yes?

I've had to suck up so many things from your side during all of these years...

And I have stayed mum because I love Rocky.

But this time you have gone just a little too far...

If you say another bad word about my little Rocky-boy, you'll end up on the receiving end of one of these!

Oh... Sweet little Eivor, I didn't mean...

Yes you did!

Listen, Eivor, I just want the diamonds.

If you let me know where the diamonds are, I promise you'll never have to take any more illwill - but where are they?!

I put them in the cupboard!

Buggering around with 100 millions in a bag... How typical of you.

... May I have them?

Rocky? In the back of the cupboard.

Wuh- there's no cupboard here!

Whaddaya mean, there's no cupboard?!

Oh right! Dang it, Sverigehjälpen came by to pick it up earlier, I forgot.

What is it?

Have you gone nuts?

S-sent the cupboard with all the diamonds off?

Cut the crap, lady: you donated that old cupboard with diamonds for 2 billion pesetas in it?!

For Christ's sake, don't wind yourselves up so hard. All we have to do is drive to Sverigehjälpen and get it back!

- T-That can't be all? - Let's ask Sickan!

Oh, little kitties~ You can sit in my lap if you want~ [unintelligible]

Oh, little kitty-cat, you want to sit on my shoulder? Yes~

Yes... The little kitty-cat is sooo hungryyy~

Oh cut it out Sickan! What are you doin' with my new Italian shoes, huh?! Knock that shit off!

Don't talk so loudly!

- But- - Misse gets scared!

Charlie, stop scratching the shoes!

- We've got bigger things to worry about- - No! Don't... Pinch... My... Cat!!

Oh no, you're not allowed to bite the butterball~

Dear little kitty-cat...

- Si- - Mommy!!

What is it?

♪Have you seen my little cat, little cat, little cat?♫

What are you up to? Playing charades?

Sickan's gone nuts...

- Come on, let him play with the cat. - Yes~

Can't you tell? He's a little overexterted and has turned young again, simple as that!

"Simple as that"? We've lost a couple billions of pesetas, y'know?!

And Sickan's playin' with my new shoe!

[Singing continues]

I knew this would go down the drain...

Listen, we'll have to solve this ourselves: go downtown and get the cupboard back!

Oh, then you'll have to bring the baby along. I can't have him wrapped around my leg while I finish packing our things!

- ... Sickan? - What?

Would you like to go for a car trip? You can bring the kitty along.

- Yay~! - Let's get going, then...

Butterball! [laughter] Yay!

- Why did you do that? - Whatever...

Let'im be, then he might stay put.

Kitty, kitty, look! See that black cat? Would you like to say hi?

Come along and let's say hi to the black kitty~

Maybe we should take a look around? Yes, we could jump around~!

Want to hop around? Yes, just like that! Little Misse...

Misse? Want to go for a swim?

Sure, then you can take a swim here!

You can... splash around for a bit~

That's right, take a drink~

Dude! Haul your dumb ass out of the way - or should I do it for ya?!

What? ... Oh, you're so fat!!

There's a lardo there, Misse! We could bite him! We could bite...

Clad in a beret and thick glasses... Is your name Jönsson?

Charles-Ingvar Jönsson, and this is Misse!

Misse wants...

Misse wants... Misse wants mint kisses!

Of course he'll get some mint kisses!

Come along, I've got tons of mint kisses in the back of my van here...

- Ya~y! - C'mon, get in!

- ... Huh? - Watch out, don't get pinched!

The picklock...

That's brilliant, Rocky, brilliant...

Now we just have to knock some sense into Sickan. How do we do that?

With a hammer, right?

... Whatever, he'll probably wake up on his own!

Wait, where's Sickan?

Hey...

- What's that? - Kidnapping! Y'know - literally!!

NOTE Just to clarify, the Swedish term for a kidnapping is often just that - "en kidnappning". Vanheden went out of his way to go "Barnarov, vettu!" which specifically means "Kidnapping [of a child], y'know!"

- What will we do? - Hit the gas, c'mon!

Green side's up.

♪You'll get to stand there in Nybroviken, swaying to and fro 'mong the other corpses...♫

NOTE A reference to the "swamp murders" (Träskmorden) of 1966; one of the victims was found drowned in Nybroviken, Stockholm's archipelago. Although no cement shoes were involved in this incident, this film along with Cornelius Vreeswijk's song "Visa vid Nybroviken" have ensured that the cement shoes-method sometimes gets called "Ståplats i Nybroviken" in Swedish (lit. "standing spot/place in Nybroviken").

What will we do now?

Hey... I have a plan.

Old fecking piece of shit...

Hey, Rocky. You take care of The Beef over there.

Me?

Sure thing! It'll be a piece of cake for you, right? I'll handle Sickan.

O-OK! I'll get Beef!

O-OK! I'll get Beef! I'll get Beef...

Stay calm, Sickan - I'll get'cha out of this!

Keep it cool, Sickan - I'll take care of this! Soon done!

On my way, I'm done soon!

Oh, for...!

Soon, Sickan!

Stay calm, Sickan - I'll get this done!!

T-take it easy, Sickan! Easy!

Take it easy - kitty's unharmed and we got her back safely!

C'mere, kitty-cat~

Stop pawing at that shoe - put it on instead!

You're not dizzy anymore, Sickan?!

I have a plan!!

Oh, that's brilliant, a plan!

Of course!

I truly am terribly sorry - could you forgive me?

- Forgive? - We should be apologising for-

But you have saved my life!

Nah, it's nothing-

No, it isn't.

- Yes, it was nothing- - No, it wasn't!

Yeah, it was!

Fine, it might be nothing, but... I lose my temper sometimes, and I yell at you, and I get outright terrifying!

No, you don't!

Yes, I do!

Nah, you don't.

Fine, maybe I don't, but I have my flaws...

- No, you don't have any! - Yes, I do!

Nah, you're flawless!

Fine, maybe I don't have any flaws, but I do have a plan!

No, you don't!

I have one!

- No- oh, you do? - I do!

- A plan? - But of course!

... Norwegian cigars? Blech!

[The Police's Institute of Physical Training, Unauthorized Access Forbidden]

Right!

Car's shit!

Everything's timed and prepared, yes?

Every Thursday, the inner city's Police Academy has obligatory work out routines here.

... Come on, get started!

Alright, gentlemen!

Let's burn those beer guts away and unflatten those feet!

Jump in place!

One, two, one, two...!

Can't get those Bedford jewels out of my head...

To think we're policemen, yet can't do anything!

We can never act unless someone filed a report...

Take the initiative... And it all goes south.

We should be able to... Use our common sense!

One, two! [ad nauseam]

You're not here... To use your common sense!

Your job is... To follow regulations!

Those two things... Tend to be very different!

But if there's... A report?

Then we make our move... Immediately! That's our duty!

Gentlemen! Your final task: running for 1 500 meters straight! You'll get timed.

Get going!

Uh, rewind the tape...

What's the matter?

A little emergency...

Who told you?

- C'mon, get changed and try burnin' some of these yourself! - Over my dead body!

C'mon now!

- D-do we have enough time? - Put your sole into it!

- Look! - Yeah, great - now hurry up!

You done or what?

- Should we switch- - No, no, no, just take one of those!

Fits like a stolen glove, y'know!

I feel like a new person...

You should drive.

I don't understand... Why would this man-

This man's claimin' he performed a burglary - on your orders, actually!

In an illegal manner!

Yeah, it was supposed to involve the so-called Bedford Diamonds that have been wanted by both Scotland Yard, the FBI, Interpol - why, even our own fraud department!

And accordin' to the man you've hired him with money you've hidden from the authorities;

Guess you'd call it... Dirty money.

What do you have to say in defence?

What he said!

Hold on... There must have been a grave mistake-

Mistake? Nah, you're way off - the deli-man's confessed himself!

- 'The delinquent.' - Yeah, that's right!

NOTE Original joke was "delinkvent" - same meaning as the English delinquent - mispronounced as "dilettant", meaning "amateur".

May as well give yourself in to Justice!

Justice? You can't just waltz in and-

Can't we? Uh-huh, I get it... Let's hear your explanation, then.

Er... Of course I can explain this! You will hear all about it!

Excellent! Then maybe we should go back to the station - or would you rather we take care of that here?

Here. Definitely here.

Excellent, then I just need a little typewriter so we can...

This way.

Keep an eye on the deli-man!

'The delinquent'!

Open.

What?

Come on, let... Let me go!

- No no no- - At least unlock these!

Oh, right! On it...

Hurry up now...

Hurry up...

- Listen... - Yes?

I don't have any keys. Couldn't find them!

Yeah, I'm gonna need all your names here?

Jakob M. R. Wall-Enberg Junior.

M. R?

Yes... Morgan Rockweller.

And Junior?

You are aware of my empire's history, yes? Our extraordinarily good reputation all around the world?

Whatever - we're all equals before the law, whether CEOs or zeroes.

It's madness, it's unbelievable, it's utterly deranged!!

Here we have a Franz Jäger-safe with tw- twenty million...

Twenty... Million dollars and then you can't open this- you- you have lost the key...!

Seriously, you are the biggest idiot I have ever worked with, not to mention your imbecile of a wife, that weakminded-!

That's enough.

I can just barely accept when you shovel a bunch of shit onto me...

I'm a man of honor.

But my wife? That is where I draw the line... Got that?!

R-... Rocky, what's the matter?

Don't stand there jabbering! Open the safe!

B- but the talcum powder and gloves-

Yeah, yeah, we have heard all about that before.

Tinkering and talking in circles and oh so refined...

- But you know what that makes you? - ... No?

Twice the idiot.

You won't climb all over me, though, or else you'll get covered in shit...

SO OPEN THE SAFE!!

Y-yes, yes, of course!

Uh... Er...

Yeah, uh - so you got married in the Seglora church in Borås, 12/5/'45.

Listen, officer...

Chief.

... Chief?

Chief Officer, please.

Apologies. Chief Officer... Can this really be following the spirit of the law?

Think of all the terrible consequences all those innocent people will suffer for this!

All the small-time savers... All the stock-owners who have to leave their homes... Think of the childless widows!

Ruin after ruin, bankruptcy, governmental crises - why, the collapse of society!

NOTE Here Vanheden throws out the phrase "bra sås reder sig själv". I thought it was a nonsequiteur at first (it IS Vanheden), so in the first version of these subtitles, I translated it (more or less) literally as "good sauces cook'emselves". This was an error. The phrase is a variation of the old idiom "bra karl reder sig själv", meaning "(a) good man takes care of himself".

Whatever - good folks would help themselves back up.

Now lemme check... So you confess to havin' been born?

... The 20th of the 6th in '23, that is?

'sides, you've confessed to gettin' married...

And to taking your Master's Degree in Geneva...

- Finally, you've confessed... - Who is your superior?

Huh? Who?

Don't try to distract a Chief Officer while he's working.

Surely you must know what your boss' name is.

- I know it, duh! - Do you now...?

Yeah, he's called Jönsson - like so many others, uh...

- Anyway, he wanted a full profile on you- - Jönsson?

Jön- did I say Jönsson, nah I mean Svensson, that's his name, let's continue-

Call him.

- Huh? - Should you or I call him?

... I will.

Gimme a moment.

Nope.

Things are heating up... He wants to call the police.

The police? But that's us!

Oh, knock it off...

Brilliant, Sickan. Brilliant.

But of course...

What's wrong with you? Why did you leave the car unlocked?

As if anyone would steal a police car!

Bring me the police!

Inspector Svensson's telephone - assistant Holm speaking.

[Muffled panicking]

No, unfortunately he is at the dentist.

Yes, could I help you with a...?

Uh-huh... Is that so? I see...

Yes... Should we take that as a report?

We should? Yes, we will!

Holm! Explain yourself!

I explicitly told you that I did not want any scandals!

He filed a report, sir!

Did he now? Well, in that case...

This banker, Wall-Enberg, claims three unknown men stole 20 million dollars.

- Oh... Out of that safe? - Yes.

Franz Jäger... I see... And what's this? The banker's lunch box?

- Diamonds? - The Bedford diamonds...

- Would Mr. Wall-Enberg kindly explain- - Thank you, Holm.

I'll take full responsibility from here on. This is a high-level case.

Sir, you are hereby arrested.

What'd I tell you?

What'd I tell you? Crime never pays off.