Original subtitles

Who or what did you do to get this $20 tip?

Because I wheeled a customer home the other night,

and all I got was a five.

And that was after we made out and I gave him a bath.

The lady at that table asked me what was special here,

And I said, "I used to be," and then I burst into tears.

I pull that out whenever I need a manicure.

Well, it's that time of year again.

I'm so jealous.

I can't believe you only get your period once a year.

It's tax season, and my accountant said

I'm getting a refund.

He also complimented these moccasins,

which are also controversial around here.

Well, they do have the word "mock,"

-..."ass"... -And "sin."

This is why I never wear overalls,

because you two would be...

-Overall... -Disgusted?

Precisely.

Oh, Earl, that reminds me.

I forgot. Here you go. I finished your taxes.

And for the future you cannot claim your weed dealer as a dependent.

I don't know why. I'm very dependent on weed.

Max, since I've been helping everyone with their taxes,

mostly because the only other time I get to use

my financial degree is counting how many Q-Tips we have left...

Ha, five.

Three. I dropped two in the toilet,

and the cockroach is using them as oars for his boat.

Ha. That'll be cute.

Look, there are two things I won't talk about.

Taxes or your flying dreams.

Face it, Caroline. You're not going anywhere.

Okay, well, we have to talk about our taxes, and what we're gonna

claim, and, no, you cannot claim I'm ruining your life.

Why? I did that last year and got ten dollars back.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

2:00 am. Closing time. Let's go.

It's only 12:30.

-Nice try, Max. -Come on, let's leave early.

I'm more exhausted than my bra.

Whoa, good, you're still open.

My fiance wants a cupcake, and she always gets what she wants.

Hi.

I mean, I really want a house in the Hamptons,

but I'll take a cupcake.

I'm nothing like that sounded.

Don't apologize. I'm everything like that sounded.

Oh, uh... I'll be right back, babe.

There's a homeless guy building

a shopping bag house around the Porsche.

Too bad. That homeless guy almost had a front Porsche.

He hates this neighborhood.

So you've been held up at gunpoint one or two times?

It's like, grow a pair, right?

So what are you eating?

Um, chocolate.

But, wait, now I'm thinking red velvet.

Tim put my ring in one when he proposed.

Oh, he proposed with one of our cupcakes?

-That's so sweet. -Yeah, it was.

I mean, it was like a whole thing, because I swallowed it,

but, once it passed, really so pretty.

I gave him a 20 to move to that Mini Cooper instead of our car.

Remind me to start calling Han "Mini Cooper."

Babe, I've been thinking.

-Uh-oh! That's never good. -No, it's great, babe. Listen.

So, since you proposed to me with one of their cupcakes,

I was thinking that these girls should do our wedding cake.

But, babe, we already ordered a wedding cake.

Thirteen hundred dollars. Remember, babe?

I know, but, babe.

They said babe less in the movie Babe.

So do you guys do wedding cakes?

-No. -Yes.

Uh... I don't. She does.

She's the baker, and, yes, we do tons of wedding cakes.

Gay weddings, straight weddings.

Bed wettings.

Claire, you do whatever you want, but I'm gonna wait in the car.

I just can't do the cake stuff again, babe.

He doesn't want to do the cake stuff.

Well, I don't want to do the butt stuff.

You know what I mean?

-No. -Yes.

Why don't you come in and we can talk about it?

-Enter through the diner. -Okay. See you guys in a sec.

What is wrong with you?

I told you I didn't want any more white girls in the shop.

And since when do we do wedding cakes?

Since that guy said 1,300 dollars.

You can do this, Max. You went to pastry school.

I also went to high school,

but I can't tell you which president Rock Hudson was.

-I don't do wedding cakes. -Okay, I know this may not be

the best time for you to make your first wedding cake

because of your recent breakup.

Oh, it's not about Deke.

If you remember, I'm the one who sent his 'fro out the door.

Weddings are just stupid.

This whole idea of celebrating love?

I mean, love works out less than Chris Christie.

Right through here.

There you go, Miss.

Thanks.

Did you want something else?

I'll take whatever I can get.

Okay, we're done.

You're lucky. This morning, a cannoli shell

pressed sexual harassment charges against him.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Your shop is so adorbs. I'm Claire, by the way.

I owned a store on Bedford Ave.

A dress shop called "Get the Frock Out."

Oh, I remember that place.

Wasn't it right next to the hair salon, "Unbe-weave-able?"

Yeah, yeah, between "Unbe-weave-able"

and the kosher smoothie place called "The Wandering Juice."

I love their menorah-nge juice.

Yeah, you know, it was always my dream to have a dress shop.

But then, after a year, hardly anyone was coming in,

and I was like, "Maybe I should get the frock out."

-So I bailed. -I totally get it.

Our first shop failed, but we got up, dusted ourselves off--

Well, Max went on a four-day bender,

but I found her and dusted her off, then we started again.

Yeah, good thing you downloaded the "Find Your Drunk Roommate" app.

Oh, so you guys kept going, even though you failed?

Why? Don't you have boyfriends?

(CHUCKLES) So when are you two getting married?

Oh, in three days.

Three days? You're so calm.

Yeah, well, I was in the plane that crashed in the Hudson,

so after that everything's just kind of been "meh."

So do you know what kind of cake you want?

Absolutely. Something traditional,

something very old school, you know, very romantic....

But, wait, now I'm thinking

you guys are so cool,

what if we did something with a weird hipster Williamsburg vibe?

So you want an obnoxious cake

on a trust fund, wearing an ironic T-shirt with HPV?

But, wait, now I'm thinking pastels for spring.

Oh, but, wait, now I'm thinking colors. I love clowns.

Wow, she changes her mind more than I change my underwear.

So twice?

Sophie, on your tax form here,

you listed your occupation as "Sophie."

(POLISH ACCENT) Yeah, it's a full-time job, baby.

And who claims $5,000 worth of mascara?

It's a business deduction for my cleaning business.

I give it out to all the underage girls from Poland as treats.

Just because you're scrubbing toilets doesn't mean your eyes can't pop.

Do you have any legitimate anything that we can use for anything?

Here's a big receipt.

Twenty-five hundred dollars for Stolichnaya.

You can't write off liquor.

No, Irina Stolichnaya.

Yeah, she waxes my eyebrows.

And my downstairs eyebrows.

Okay, well, there's no line on this form

for downstairs eyebrows,

so I'm just gonna list it as home office.

Yeah, well, I do work out of it.

Caroline, where's Max?

As much as I enjoy a two-hour break from being called a tiny woman,

she's supposed to be working.

-Max, how's the cake going? -That bride's a mess.

She changed her mind while she was changing her mind.

Not the good stuff on the top shelf!

Oh, you can't reach it anyway, Mini Cooper.

Jokes on her. I have a collapsible ladder.

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh, hi, Claire. Max is working on it right now.

Oh, you've been thinking?

Caroline, can I get anything for a panty liner?

I'm on the phone with Claire.

You mean un-Claire?

She wants to make a couple changes.

-What should I tell her? -Tell her I hate her.

No, you know what, I'll tell her.

I love to tell people things. Give me the phone.

Max, I beg you. Thirteen-hundred dollars.

Oh, my God. She is so crazy.

I should make a giant cake and have a psychiatrist pop out of it.

Give me the phone.

Hey, Claire-bear. What's happening, babe?

CLAIRE: Max, I've been thinking,

and I know I said I didn't want the fondant frosting,

but now I just saw a photo

of another wedding cake that was so gorge.

And I started thinking...

Uh-huh, sure. No problem.

So then we can do the fondant?

Yes, definitely fondant.

Perfect. Bye. Love you.

Love you, too.

Max, I know you worked hard,

and you're probably upset about having to change it.

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

I'm sensing a lot of hostility...

...that has nothing to do with that couple,

and may be more about you

and a certain groom that didn't happen.

What, you can't light a couple's head on fire

without it being about your ex-boyfriend?

Max, I know you're sad about it.

I heard you crying last night.

That was you crying.

Well, someone was crying.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Max. It's beautiful.

You did an amazing job.

That's quite a cake, cake, cake.

Calm down. I made a cake. I didn't fold a fitted sheet.

Ooh, and I like the new bride and groom.

By the way, I fished the other ones out of the garbage

in case we ever get a burn victim wedding.

Okay, I got the extra icing. Let's go.

Now grab it with two hands and lift with your knees.

Oh, is that how you think it should go?

Because I was gonna grab it with my head and lift it with my face.

BOTH: Got it. Got it. Got it.

Oh, wait.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

-Grease puddle. -Got it.

Got it. Got it.

-Roach. -Got it.

MAN (OVER PA): Bedford Avenue.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

Got it. Got it.

MAN (OVER PA): Watch the doors.

(GROANS) Max, this is so heavy.

I know. We're two grown women who can't afford a taxi.

Oh, there's a seat over there. We can put this down.

Got it. Got it. Got it.

I blame science.

People shouldn't be living this long.

Max, I need a break.

Me too. Maybe just like two weeks apart.

Like, no phone calls, nothing.

I mean the cake.

And you love me.

Other side. Less crowded.

Oh, this guy can't see. Just our luck.

To the left, sir.

-(BOTH SCREAMING) -Other left!

Oh, what, is everybody blind now?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) Who are you even dancing for?

Everyone's blind.

Got it. Got it.

Losing it. Losing it.

Holding it. Holding it. Losing it.

Second wind. Got it. Got it.

MAN (OVER PA): First Avenue. First Avenue Station.

There, there. Put it down.

(BOTH SIGHING)

Max, I think we got it.

Don't got it.

Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it.

(SIGHING)

Got it.

This cake looks perfect. You would never know.

That's why I'm fond of the fondant. Covers everything.

We'll be long gone by the time

they realize it's half cake-half Styrofoam

from the Radio Shack garbage.

Hi. I'm the wedding planner, slash, my own funeral planner

because it ain't going great.

You the cake girls?

You think just 'cause we're two girls with a giant cake,

we're the cake girls?

You think because I'm fake smiling

I won't throw you down a flight of stairs?

You do that? Do you have a card?

Sorry. We had a rough morning getting this here.

You? She changed the menu again.

I spent the whole morning making 17 turkeys look like 17 hams

for that crazy bitch.

Oh, come on, that's a little harsh.

What? She won't come out of her room?

The bride has cold feet.

That crazy bitch.

Here's a crazy idea.

How about the check for the cake?

All right, I'm gonna tell you two what I told

the make-your-own-popsicle guy.

Nobody gets paid until the bride walks down the aisle.

Nobody.

There's gonna be popsicles?

She's not that crazy.

-So what are we gonna do now? -Let's go.

Max, we can't go. We need this money.

We also need a shower curtain that doesn't give us rashes.

But, wait, we really need this cake money.

We need a toilet that flushes everything the first time.

While you were doing the cake, I was doing our taxes.

And we owe Uncle Sam $1,500.

Man, why does every uncle I know try to screw me?

So what are we gonna do? You heard that woman.

Nobody gets paid until the bride walks down the aisle.

(IMITATES WOMAN) Nobody.

Knock-knock. There's the gorgeous bride.

(GASPS) Your dress is beautiful.

It's a beautiful dress to get married in right now in the next room.

No, I hate it. I'm taking it off.

I'm not wearing this dress, or that one, or that one,

because I'm thinking marriage is stupid.

-So stupid. -Max.

Stupid beautiful, and everyone should do it.

Nope. It's not for me.

Like underwear.

Oh, you'll feel fine as soon as you get back in this dress.

Or that dress or that dress.

Okay, I feel like you guys are forcing me into this dress.

That's ridiculous.

Forcing you into a dress for money?

Now where's that freaking veil?

Nope, not that one.

This was just a backup veil. You can't even see my face.

It was in case I got herpes. You know how it is.

-Yeah. -No.

Anyways, I'm thinking...

What, like seven different things all resulting in us not getting paid?

Listen, I'm thinking that maybe I bailed out of my shop too soon.

I mean, I left after only a year.

Why? Because I was just scared?

Well, everybody's afraid of failure.

No, not failure.

There was a gang shooting in front of my dress shop.

I had to bury two mannequins.

For future reference, just draw a teardrop on your face,

and they'll move it to Banana Republic.

Well, I mean, it wasn't easy for you guys, right?

But you hung in there,

and now you have this big, successful cake business.

-We lied. -It's terrible.

-We're losers. -Get married.

Claire, the only thing harder than building a business is finding love.

Look at her. She just lost someone she loves,

and quite frankly she doesn't think it's ever gonna happen for her again.

I mean, none of us do.

-Not even Han? -No, he's the one who brought it up.

Claire, who knows you better than us?

You're getting married.

You're right. I should get married.

-Yay. -Yay.

-But not to Tim. -What?

You guys will tell him for me, right?

Tell him I'm no good. Tell him I'm sorry.

You know what, tell him whatever you want. You guys decide. I'm easy.

You know what she's not? Easy.

CAROLINE: You heard that woman.

Nobody gets paid until the bride walks down the aisle.

Now, remember, don't lift this veil

until the party planner hands me that check.

Why don't you have to wear the dress?

You're practically a virgin.

Max, somebody has to walk down the aisle, and I can't do it.

Marriage means something to me, and I only plan

to walk down that aisle once.

You also said that about the yeast infection aisle

at CVS, but there you were last Saturday

pretending to buy children's cough syrup.

Let's go.

Oops. Okay.

Wait, Max...

Max, wait, wait.

Wait. Max!

Now, walk down the aisle like it's your special day.

Go. The bride never talks to the cake lady.

People are like, "Who's that?"

If you think they're like, "Who's that?" now,

wait a few minutes till that veil gets lifted.

("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS)

Can't believe it. She's actually walking down that aisle.

Yup, that's totally her walking down the aisle.

So the check, you can hand it to me now.

You look stunning, babe.

Come on, come on, come on. I'll just take whatever check's on top.

Babe, wait.

Now I'm thinking I do want to get married.

Babe, if you're there, who is...

'Sup?

(ACOUSTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Babe, I know I said I didn't want any kids,

but now I'm thinking four.

Babe, you should have said that before the vasectomy.

You can always reverse it.

Again?

So you're the father, huh?

And you stuck around.

That's an interesting way to play it.

Okay, I got the check. We can leave.

Not now. I'm doing the father-daughter dance.

May I cut in?

Oh, no, with her.

If you're trying to hook up with me, you're a little late.

That dad just slipped me his room key.

You really do make a lovely bride.

Oh, thanks. You know I have one of those

ham turkeys in my underwear, right?

Oh, I thought you were just happy to see me.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

This is nice.

And that cake really is beautiful.

Thanks.

Wish I could have showed it to....

-Deke. -Yeah.

So are you really okay?

I know you loved him.

I did, which is the worst, because it made me feel almost like a person.

Max, Caroline. Hi.

I just wanted to say thank you for everything.

And I was watching you guys dance together,

and now I'm thinking I might be into girls.

Can I call you?

-Yes. -No.

Great.

What do you mean the bottom of the cake says Radio Shack?

That's our cue.

Wait, wait, I haven't thrown the bouquet yet.

Hey, single ladies.

Here we go.

One, two...

Three.

Hey, cake girls.

Styrofoam?

It's gluten-free.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)