Original subtitles

(BELL DINGS)

Good morning. Name?

Not until I see my lawyer.

And by the way, I was with them last night.

Max, it's just for the spring semester.

Sorry, she watches a lot of Lockup: Raw.

Uh, actually, I'm here to return checks.

There is no spring semester. The pastry school has been closed.

What?

Feel free to collect any personal items

you may have left in the workspace.

You get the weed, I'll get the other weed.

This is insane. How can school be suddenly closed?

Oh, good. John's here. He'll know what happened.

What makes you think he knows?

He's a big queen, Max.

He'll know why school's closed and why Lady Gaga's last album failed.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

-Where's Chef Nicolas? -France... With his wife.

Why is he in France?

Hmm, turns out someone in this room,

maybe someone I'm looking at right over there,

had an affair with him and his wife found out all about it.

Deke!

Shocking! I... I didn't even know Chef Nicolas was gay!

Oh, please. If he was gay, I would've been all over that.

Like a gorilla on a breadstick.

Lady, we all know it wasn't Deke.

Okay, yes, yes, fine. It was me.

And my parents say I'm loose as a goose.

But it was not an affair.

We made out once, in six different places, on eight different occasions,

and then I ended it.

You ended that and you ended this! All of this!

Forget my spatulas! Forget my whisk! It's over!

Brigadoon is over!

Thanks, Caroline!

You're acting like I'm the only one who ever closed a pastry school down.

Can't you just go to Deke's without me?

I'm too down in the dumps.

Then what better place to be than in a dumpster?

And Deke said to make sure to bring you.

And relax, it's not a three-way situation.

When we made our three-way list,

you were at the bottom with Taylor Swift.

Well, at least I'm with Taylor.

On the three-way list, who's above me?

Vicki what's-her-name from Real Housewives of Orange County.

Is that the one with all the face work?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Welcome, welcome. Wipe your feet on the way out.

Deke, I'm warning you right now, I am not in a partying mood.

Ain't no party like a Caroline party 'cause a Caroline party don't start.

I'm heavy with guilt and that cheese omelet we just split.

We're not partying, but I did snatch back the weed 'cause I's perfect.

Good.

I got it from Earl and he says it knocks you out so hard,

he once used it and faked death to cash in a life insurance policy.

Well, we might need to do that too after what I did.

Deke, I am so sorry about all of this.

I am filled with regret and those home fries I just ate.

(MOCKING TONE) We all so sad pastry school got all closed.

We don't know what to do.

I know what to do. Eat the pound cake in my purse.

Okay, so we all loved the pastry school, right?

Eh, it was all right. No big deal.

No big deal? We had sex in like every classroom and both stairwells.

And on Caroline's desk, but, eh, no big deal.

Eh, kind of a big deal.

Was it a Tuesday on top of the New York Times?

And did you eat my cranberry Clif Bar after?

'Cause I made someone cry about that.

Okay, yes, it was fun. But it's over and that's life.

Pastry school, no pastry school, eh, no big deal.

I'm gonna buy it.

-What? -Yes!

Yes, I love that frickin' place!

We had sex on your desk while eating your Clif Bar.

It was awesome there!

Deke, what are you talking about?

I'll ask my parents to buy it as an investment.

Caroline, you can run the school.

You're already killing it in the office.

And Max and I can be the badass students

who won't take guff from no damn teachers.

How 'bout you stuff the cannoli again, bitch?

I own the damn place!

Wait, is this even possible? I mean, it'll cost millions.

Who cares? He's rich!

Now I get the whole idea of money.

It's lovely! It's the greatest idea ever!

I know and since we're doing it together,

you'll both have to come meet my parents.

Max, they've been asking to meet my girlfriend anyway.

Meet your parents?

Uh, the pastry school wasn't all that.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

The elevator opens right in your apartment?

Nope, don't belong here. Hold the doors, bub!

We're okay. Thank you, James.

Max, just do the opposite of everything you would normally do.

I already am. I'm here!

Deke, hello.

Go. Be warm.

Hello, Mrs. Bromberg. I'm Max.

I'm the housekeeper.

This is Iris. Been with us for years.

Well, it was a lovely hug.

I'll tell your parents that you've arrived.

(DEKE CHUCKLES) So, what, Max?

You think any black woman you see here could be my mother?

Well, any white man I see anywhere could be my father.

Let's go. I already screwed up.

No, you heard Iris. It was a lovely hug.

But then again, she is being paid. Here, better wear my pearls.

Yeah, right! Me in those pearls is like a monkey in baby clothes.

Just plain wrong.

-Relax, Max. -What, are you crazy touching me?

Your mother comes in here right now and she's like,

"Oh, there she is, the hooker from the projects...

...getting it on with our son in the...."

What, fancy-ass book room?

Deke, you have a Warhol soup can?

Uh, yeah, it used to be in my bedroom.

It got moved out here

after I scotch-taped a Star Wars poster over it.

Okay, okay. See, now, here is something we have in common.

I used to drink that soup. I can talk about that.

-Perfect, yeah. Talk about that. -MAX: Yeah.

Okay, see, when my mother was on a bender,

I would bust open the can on the kitchen counter

'cause I could never find the opener

'cause she'd use the sharp tip of it to clean out her hash pipe.

-Give her the damn pearls. -Give me the damn pearls.

It's just a little help.

A signal to the rich people that says, "I'm one of you."

Like seeing another Hells Angel wearing a vest with a patch

that says, "Suck it, pig."

Well, Deke better give me a signal when his actual mom comes in

because the way I'm going, I'd hug Oprah.

Oprah doesn't like to be hugged.

A mistake I made at her Legends' Ball.

One hug and 20 minutes later,

my place setting was moved next to La Toya Jackson.

Oh...

Thanks, girl.

You're Max.

I'm Deke's mother, Genet.

Uh, Mom, this is our friend, Caroline.

Thank you for inviting us. Amazing art collection.

Oh, thank you. I'm afraid my husband and I are pop-art junkies.

I eat soup.

Speaking of my husband... David?

"I eat soup"?

He was right behind me.

Oh, sometimes I swear, I should just leave a trail of breadcrumbs.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY) That's funny.

Okay, hold on a second there, folks.

I'm just sending some business e-mails.

Actually, I'm not.

I'm looking at celebrities without their makeup,

and I gotta say, Hugh Jackman, better without makeup.

I'll take that.

All right.

-And what's in your mouth? -Sour ball.

Give it to me, please.

Genet, I'm a grown man. I can have a sour ball.

You asked me to help you stop eating candy.

-It's just one sour ball. -Spit it out.

-I can't. -Why not?

It's a Mini Three Musketeers.

There he is! There's my son!

Until we get the results of the paternity test back. I love him!

Hey, come on. No tongue in front of my girlfriend.

Max, come over here.

Fine, but no tongue till after dessert.

(LAUGHING)

"No tongue till after dessert!" She's pretty and funny.

Who's your bodyguard?

Oh, uh... (CHUCKLES) This is my friend.

Mm, help me out. Totally blanked.

Oh, she's a little nervous. Hello, Mr. Bromberg. I'm Caroline.

Drink before dinner, yes?

Yes, but just one. But not because I'm pregnant! What?

Sit. Let's talk.

Yes, let's sit down.

Have a nice conversation. Get to know each other better.

-So, tell me about pastry school. -Yes, tell us about pastry school.

Well, we went to class the other day and it was closed

and John, this big, gay pastry chef, was freaking out.

-Max does a great impression of him. -No. No, I don't.

Yes, Max! It's really funny and totally charming.

Oh, okay. Uh, he's like six five.

-Stand. You gotta stand. -Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

And he had his arms up in the air like this.

Um, I think his arms were down.

No, they were totally over his head.

Yeah, she's right, they were down.

Way down, like a crocodile.

Or CeeLo.

What are you talking about? They were way up here.

Way over his head and....

Oh, yea... They were down.

You know what? I think he was sitting and was really quiet.

Excuse me. I have to use the powder room.

-Max, would you come with me? -Try and stop me.

(FRANTICALLY PRESSES ELEVATOR BUTTON)

Max, it's over here. (ELEVATOR DINGS)

We're not making a break for it?

Trapped. Trapped like rats.

What is wrong with you? Why are you sweating so much?

I think we'd be better off just wetting the whole dress.

I know. It must be the pearls.

My white-trash body is working overtime to reject them.

Ooh, okay. Raise your arms.

Why bother? They already hate me.

-Max, they do not hate you. -Well, they will.

This is Tommy Dolan all over again.

Who's Tommy Dolan? And FYI, great upper arm workout.

He's this rich kid I liked in eighth grade.

And by rich, I mean his family could afford the acne medicine.

He asked me out, but his parents said no because I was poor.

And, to be clear, that was before I shot the ten BBs

into their front picture window.

Max, you're not in eighth grade. This is a grown-up relationship.

Tonight's not just about a pastry school,

it's about you and Deke, so get it together.

You have a lot on the line and I have a neck cramp.

(KNOCKING)

Ladies, it's Genet.

Trapped. Trapped like more rats.

Is everything all right in here?

-I didn't take anything. -I....

Caroline, do you mind if I speak to Max alone?

Our neighbors have just stopped by.

They've opened a bottle of champagne. It's French. Wonderful. Enjoy.

Girl, you need to chill.

-Um, uh... Excuse me? -You have got us all wrong.

You walk in here, see this fabulous apartment

and all of this "fabulosity"

and you think... you think I'm some rich bitch.

I am.

But I wasn't born that way. Uh-uh. I am from Queens, New York.

Yeah, that's right. I'm just Genet from the block.

Wait, then how did you get your own elevator and fish wallpaper?

Well, when David met me, I was a dancer.

Oh, you mean like on Broadway?

Yeah, well, close to Broadway.

The point is that we fell in love so completely...

...that I even stopped taking his money after the third visit.

(POSH ACCENT) Tell us, Deke, why a pastry school of all things?

Who cares? We're just thrilled he's no longer in the circus.

-Girls-- -I didn't take anything.

Amy and Adam have lived in the building since Deke was little.

Mom, don't tell Max I'm little.

I've convinced her I've got the biggest one she'll ever have.

Deke! Naughty, dirty, funny!

Adam and I love naughty comedy. We watch Bill Maher.

This pastry school would be a huge financial commitment, David.

Why don't you just go down to Union Square

and light a bag of money on fire?

Mr. Chase, I agree, it's a huge undertaking.

And if you'd like, we can discuss a business plan.

I did graduate top of my class from Wharton.

Wharton. In Philadelphia. The city of brotherly love.

And let me tell you, it certainly is.

Our son, Hunter, went to Wharton. He's about your age.

I'll text and tell him we've met you. What is your last name, Caroline?

Um...

Channing.

Caroline Channing?

Your father isn't Martin Channing,

the one in prison for the Ponzi scheme?

Amazing fish! I love this tilapia. It's almost a chicken-y fish.

Deke, you never told us about this.

What, that the fish was chicken-y?

You know that's why I don't come home anymore.

Why would I tell you? She didn't steal the money. He did.

Deke does have a point.

It wasn't Caroline and her father is serving time.

Ah, speaking of serving, there are like nine forks here.

Where do I go next?

It's easy for you to say, Deke. You didn't lose money.

Amy and I had to move from the penthouse to the fourth floor.

The fourth floor, Deke! That's three above the doorman.

Only five bedrooms,

and I can hear the "whoosh-whoosh" of the damn elevator all night long!

Genet, I cannot believe you would invite a Channing into your home.

Sir, if you say another bad word about her,

I'm gonna "whoosh-whoosh" you off that chair.

Max, these are our friends.

Yeah, well she is my friend and she's had it pretty rough.

And I'm not gonna sit here and let them insult her.

Oh, you only have five bedrooms?

Well, she sleeps in the wall.

You rich people are all the same.

Max, take it down. You're gonna "whoosh" you did later.

No, Deke. I mean, look at this table.

Seven forks and ten knives, for what?

You know what we have at our apartment?

Five chopsticks and a spork from Kentucky Fried Chicken

and we do fine.

We don't need to sit here and gravel--

-Grovel. -Whatever.

For your money or their approval.

All I can say is you rich people are lucky those cops took my BB gun.

Let's go, Caroline.

No, this is my fault. I'll go.

No, you know what? We'll all go.

Deacon, sit down.

You are not leaving the table with them.

I go where she goes.

Except not in the bathroom because we like to leave a little mystery.

I mean, what is the big deal, anyway?

You have a problem with her because of her father,

but no problem with his mom being a stripper?

What? You were a stripper?

Mom?

-Max! -Oh, is that not common knowledge?

-I feel so bad. -Don't. I should have guessed.

My mom's way too limber at tennis.

And it totally makes me respect my dad more.

A Jew marrying a black woman is impressive.

Marrying a black stripper is awesome.

No, I feel bad about your parents cutting you off financially.

But you're okay with outing my mom?

Look, they gave me a choice, my money or you.

It only took me two hours to decide and I picked you.

I wish it took you two hours. You didn't even think it over.

You were out of there immediately.

Deke, how are you gonna live without money?

Hey, I already live in a dumpster. I'm used to roughing it.

-Who bought the dumpster? -They did.

Who bought the solar panels on the roof?

They did. But I bought that cool skateboard poster.

-Deke. -Okay, it was in a box of Honeycomb.

-And who bought the Honeycomb? -They did. Max, it'll be fun.

Oh, come on. How hard could it be?

Look, I get up tomorrow, I get a job here.

Zippity-boo, get another job there.

Now I got 20,000, then zippity-pow.

Make another 20,000, zippity-zang.

Then I'm lousy with Honeycomb.

Now, cheechity-chong, where did I put Earl's weed?

What's the emergency? Are you all right?

I'm fine, but Deke's insane!

He thinks he can make it as a poor person.

You never know, I did. Sure, the first....

What's today, Monday?

Sure, the first thousand days were hard, but....

Deke is nothing like you!

You are resilient and smart and creative and driven.

No one could do what you did. You're amazing.

Max, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Oh, don't get all wet. You're still at the bottom of the three-way list.

My point is, I can't let Deke give up his money.

It's his decision. And it's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

It's crap!

I care about Deke more than I have ever cared about anyone.

So I have to give him back. I just called his mother.

At 2:00 am and she picked up the phone?

Oh, right, I forgot. She was a stripper.

She's used to picking things up at night.

And she said they'd take Deke back, but he has to come to them.

That's great.

So, come on. You and I are pushing him home.

In the dumpster.

Pushing it to the Upper East Side?

Yes! He's totally knocked out on Earl's weed.

He will not feel a thing.

Help me push right now before I realize what I'm losing

and change my mind.

Go! You take that side, I'll take this.

And we won't stop till we're there

or one of us falls off the Brooklyn Bridge.

We can never get it there, Max.

Then we'll get it as far as we can and then at least when Deke wakes up,

he won't be stuck here with me in the morning,

and he can have a life.

I was wrong earlier.

This is the most romantic thing I've ever seen.

Don't cut yourself on the dumpster or you'll get lockjaw. Push.

Max, even better upper-arm workout!

See, only you would say that.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)