Original subtitles

Hey, I'm sleeping at Deke's house tonight.

Wink, wink, winky-wink.

Deke's house? You mean your boyfriend's dumpster?

-Yeah. So I need a, uh... -Tetanus shot?

Higher standards?

No, a condom. I'm about to have sex and I want it to feel bad.

I should have one in my purse from the last time I had sex.

They had purses the last time you had sex?

No, we carried animal hides tied with sticks.

It hasn't been that long.

Oh, here's one next to this movie ticket stub from Precious.

Okay, it's been that long.

You saw Precious without a condom?

It says, "Best if used before September 2012."

Just like the milk here.

I wish I knew a guy with a condom.

(WHISTLING)

A man. Any man.

Oleg, do you happen to have... (BELL RINGS)

Okay, this should get you through the night,

but if it doesn't, you can use this freezer bag and a rubber band.

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Max, I laid out the little cups,

so all you have to do is fill them with coleslaw.

Said the girl who was on the Forbes Top Ten To Watch list.

I can't do my side work tonight.

Normally I'd say it's because I'm drunk,

but tonight it's because my back hurts and I'm drunk.

Here, babe. I got you something that might help your back feel better.

A breast reduction?

No!

Why would you spit in the face of God?

Everybody, calm down. Those aren't going anywhere.

And if they are, I am going with them.

I got some cooling patches to soothe her muscles.

And when that doesn't work,

I have another brand called Maui Wowie.

(BELL RINGS) OLEG: Pick up!

-I'll see you later. Love you. -Love you.

Deke, breath. What is that?

Teriyaki beef jerky. Why, is it bad?

No. Give me another hit.

That is delicious!

You know it!

Max, since you guys are getting serious, why not go on the pill?

So every night you won't have to play "What can we turn into a condom?"

The pill is, like, 50 bucks a month.

That's more than it costs to raise a damn baby.

Well, your boyfriend's rich. He can afford to pay for it.

Great. Now I'm a white-trash mom.

Uh-uh. No way.

I'm saving Deke's fortune for more important things,

like Doritos Dinamita.

Pretty much the filet mignon of corn chips.

I mean, I'd be on the pill right now,

but the one man interested in me is married,

so I guess that's more of a bitter pill.

Seriously, Max. Think about it.

Fine. Why don't guys have to take the pill?

We have to take all the pills. Birth control, Midol, roofies.

Bonjour, Caroline!

Chef Nicolas. What are you doing in the diner?

Oh, no. I never wanted you to see me wearing this.

Yeah, so be a gentleman and take a step back

'cause as bad as it looks, it smells worse.

-I think you look beautiful. -Your wife looks beautiful!

Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.

May I see you alone over there in the, uh...

I guess one would call it a restaurant?

But just for a minute. I'm working.

-What's that smell? -That's today's special.

Beef pot pie.

Oh, it doesn't smell like beef.

That's because it's not beef, it's not made today and it's not special.

Listen, Caroline.

We have all this relationship drama and we're not even in a relationship.

Please get to know me better. Come to my home for dinner.

Dinner at your home? Just you and me?

How do you think your wife would feel about that?

We have an open relationship.

Did you think I'm the type of man who would have sex with another woman

without asking my wife?

That is so American!

-Max? -Why are you calling Max?

I wanna make sure I haven't lost my mind.

Nicolas said he told his wife about me

and she gave him permission for us to sleep together.

Ha! Good one!

My boss at Quiznos once told me his wife's dying wish

was that I let him motorboat me.

Okay, so she may have been motorboated out of Quiznos.

But I am not falling for this.

Yes, I thought you wouldn't believe me,

so I set up a Skype call with her from France on Friday.

Wait, you want me to Skype with your wife about sex?

Am I on Dr. Phil?

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!

I got a new dress and it's bitchin'!

Oh. Hey, look at him.

Nobody told me they added beefcake to the menu.

Excuse me! Beefcake has been on the menu since I started working here.

Wow, wow!

Finally, there's somebody in the diner as good-looking as me.

-Hi. I'm Sophie Kuchenski. -Nicolas Saintcroix.

(GASPS EXCITEDLY)

And he's French too?

Oh, come on!

I'm sorry. I was in the middle of a conversation with Caroline.

(MOANING)

Who?

Me, the one whose feet you're standing on.

Oh. Oh, wait a minute.

Is this the married guy?

Oh, girl!

I'm gonna give you two days' head start and then he's mine!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Why do you care what his wife thinks about your hair?

You're not gonna be sleeping with her.

Although you'd be a lot more interesting if you did.

I'm not gonna be sleeping with him either.

And when I tell his wife that, I wanna look good doing it.

I have to look 20 percent better than her.

And since Skype makes you look 20 percent worse,

I have to look 40 percent better than I do now.

You realize talking about math in a hair salon

is my worst nightmare, right?

Welcome to the Tristan Evans salon.

Hi! Hello! We're here for the student haircut.

I'm sorry?

The six dollar haircuts for poor people

from the people who don't really know how to cut hair yet.

Max, that's not true. This is the Tristan Evans salon.

I'm sure that everyone that's enrolled here is a genius.

At least tell me they're gay.

Just have a seat over there.

I'll have somebody come up from the hair school and--

So loud! Hair school. Got it.

We'll just take a seat over there till they arrive.

Girl, you just sit there, relax,

and let Jameis make this head major.

So weird 'cause I majored in head.

Girl, you are all everything.

(MOANING)

That's a little cold. I'm sorry, what was your name again?

Dan.

Uh-huh. Dan? So just Dan?

You're not, like, a Danny or a Dantrell?

Dan. I need to get conditioner.

Damn it, Max! I got a straight one.

What makes you think he's straight?

He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.

Is the water too warm?

Why? Are my pants too wet?

Girl, are we in love?

Max, I need you to give me your gay.

Yeah, right! I'd give you my left nut before I give you my gay.

You weren't even gonna get your hair done.

Yeah, but I always wanted to know what it felt like to get a shampoo

without a school nurse running that tiny comb through my hair.

Dan, I have a magazine over there

with a photo of a chic, piece-y, choppy bob.

You can do that, right?

Sure. Piece-y bob. Got it.

-'Sup? -Dan, Dan, Dan!

Okay, done. You're ready to cut.

Let's go. I can't risk some discount hetero cutting my hair.

I'll see you at home. I'm pretty close to a hairgasm.

That should've been mine. I haven't had a hairgasm in years.

She hasn't had any gasm in years.

(CAROLINE GASPS)

Oh, my God! Max, is that hair your new form of birth control?

You look like Dame Edna.

That's what I asked for!

Hello!

Now my outside matches my inside

because I've always been an old drag queen

trapped inside the body of a young black girl.

(KNOCKING)

Hello!

Oh, hi, Max. Oh, I used to wear my hair like that.

I used it to smuggle cheese and cigarettes into the prison.

Oh, hey, Caroline.

Just checking.

Still not sleeping with that French guy that I'm sleeping with?

Still not, Sophie. He's married.

Well, good

'cause I'm here to talk to that wife and throw my hoo-ha into the ring.

Yeah, I even bought myself a flat French hat to make me more French.

Yeah, I got me the hat 'cause I didn't have time to grow out my pits.

Okay, the call is in one minute. I'll just do it from here.

I was planning to be holding my Louis Vuitton shopping bag,

but the cat took a dump in it.

And, Max, bring that lamp closer to my face,

so I don't have eight Skype chins.

Fine, but if I get too close to the bulb, my hair might blow up.

(SKYPE RINGING)

Here she is. Sophie, good-bye.

Oh, no, I'm not leaving, baby.

That French hottie and I are perfect for each other.

I mean, look at me.

I'm wearing a beret. I have a baguette.

Bonjour, bitches!

Okay, take a deep breath and remember, this is ridiculous.

Bonjour, Caroline.

Bonjour. You must be Juliette.

It is nice to meet you.

And you as well, Juliette.

I just want to set the record straight about Nicolas and I.

I am not the type of--

Yes, you have my permission to sleep with Nicolas. Au revoir.

That's it? She's gone?

I didn't even get to say "hos before bros" in French.

So much more to say.

What more is there to say? She said we could sleep with him!

No, I'm never sleeping with Nicolas, no matter what his wife says.

Good, 'cause you could never share a French guy.

You won't even share your French toast.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Thanks for coming. I promise, just one drink at Nicolas'.

And then we'll go to the movies.

And Max, I can't believe you went out with that hair in public.

I like it. You look like my Aunt Esther, but not as hot.

Oh, Caroline. I see you brought Deke and... Max's mother?

The only thing this hair and my mother have in common

is they're both high.

Nicolas, I'm not staying.

I know you went to a lot of trouble with dinner,

so I didn't want to be rude, but we can only stay for one drink.

God, you look beautiful.

Maybe two drinks.

But definitely no dinner.

(BELCHING)

Well, that dinner we weren't staying for was delicious.

Yeah, we should not stay more often.

I like your loft, man.

It's the perfect place to live if you like to commit really sexy crimes.

-Well, we should go. -No. You're not staying for dessert?

You're breaking my heart.

Well, maybe just one piece. We can share it.

(SPEAKNG IN FRENCH)

I thought you didn't wanna share.

He's not married to his dessert, Max, and it's just one piece.

We're here, so he doesn't get a piece!

You got a pretty sweet setup for a married man who's single.

Crème caramel au coconut cake.

Well, it's no Fudgie the Whale.

Thanks.

I love to cook for friends. Beautiful friends.

Nicolas, just because your wife gave me permission

does not mean I'm gonna let you take me over to that king-size bed,

with what looks like really good sheets,

and make love to me all night long.

And then again that morning.

So how's your back, Esther?

Oh, Morty. I have to tell you something.

Is it your heart?

-No, I'm on the pill. -I know. You're on a lot of pills.

-No, the pill-pill. -The pill-pill-pill?

Yeah, see? You just pop 'em out one at a time.

They're like Pez for sluts.

Speaking of sluts....

Oh, boy, this is awkward.

And I've testified against half my family.

I agree, Max. Things are a little uncomfortable.

So why don't we just make this as weird as possible?

Damn it! I knew he was gonna kill us!

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH STEREO)

Tango, anyone?

Honestly, I prefer if you kill us.

Okay, well, we gotta go, Esther.

No, Morty, sit down! I'm not missing the show. It comes with dinner.

Tango? Nicolas, you cannot be serious.

Oh, maybe you cannot dance, Caroline?

Can't dance?

One summer, I taught ballroom dance to homeless teens.

Because when you're dancing, you're not hungry?

Fast-forward. This is my least favorite part of the Addams Family.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Look at his pants.

I know. That tango is giving him even less ball room.

Stay. We don't have to have sex.

-We don't? -I promise.

I have to go to the restroom, Max. So do you.

Come in, come in, come in, come in, come in!

-Okay, where's the coke? -There is no coke!

Why would you call anyone into a bathroom if you don't have coke?

That's rude!

No, I was just gonna talk to you.

Oh, then I'm definitely gonna need coke.

Okay, look. You are not sleeping with him.

Of course not.

But tonight I'm thinking there's something special here.

I mean, we talked and we laughed.

What is this? "Previously On Caroline"?

If you guys are doing blow in here without me, I'm gonna be so pissed.

I wish. No, Caroline wants to have sex with Nicolas.

Even after that tango?

Listen, now I'm thinking I wanna sleep over, but not have sex.

Is that where he puts it in, but doesn't move it around?

That's what I do when you're passed out.

That's what I do when you're passed out.

Look, nothing is going in anywhere. I just wanna get to know him better.

You really think you can sleep in his bed with him

and not use his penis as a body pillow?

Of course. I've done that with every boy on the Upper East Side.

That's why they called me the East Side Snuggler.

And trust me, even though his wife begged me to have sex with him,

I'm not going to.

But didn't you tell us the whole reason you dragged us here

was because you were afraid of being alone with him?

What is this? "Previously On Caroline"?

Look, I get it.

And if you two really don't think I'm capable of not having sex with him,

then hang out for a bit until you're sure that I'm fine.

Fine, but we are not staying all night.

Here are some blankets for you, Max and Deke.

You can take the couch. Caroline and I will take the bed.

Once again, our apologies.

We are just too drunk to go. Too drunk!

You did share that one glass of wine.

Yup, we are too drunk!

So, too drunk to walk?

Well, I don't know. You be the judge.

I am so sorry about this.

It's fine, Caroline. I know what's going on here.

Oh, and Nicolas, before you go,

I just wanted to say thanks again for the drinks, the dinner...

...the dessert, my pillow... and Deke's pillow.

We get it, Grandma. Good night. We'll be right over there.

And I'll be right over here.

Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs have sex with you.

Uh, you and I are gonna do it, right?

Oh, yeah! Think I took my pill this morning.

Either that or I didn't take my pill.

Wow, Max, this is a big step that you may or may not have taken today.

You know, if it's too much trouble, we don't have to go off condoms.

So you're the one guy in the world who wants to still wear a condom?

-Do you have something? -No, it's not like that.

I'm just saying the pill is a big commitment.

Oh, so do you not wanna take this step?

Because I went to planned parenthood and I never plan anything.

-Max, I guess I'm just surprised-- -Hold that thought.

-I hear nothing. -So?

So that's what Caroline sounds like during sex!

Keep talking like I'm here.

Oh, yeah, baby! Right there! That's the spot!

Yeah, now slap my face with 'em!

Well, if you were still here, that's what I'd be saying.

I'm sorry. I'll switch it up.

Uh, go fish, Max!

-Max, what are you doing? -What are you doing?

We're fine. We're just lying here talking.

-No, we're not. I'm really turned on. -Why? What's he doing to you?

It's not him, it's me. I'm the predator here.

You were right. You better stop me. Get up here with us.

I'm not getting in bed with you!

Max, just get in the bed.

I know a Jacques-Bloc when I see one.

I am so sorry. This is silly. I know it must be hard for you.

Uh, not anymore.

You know, last night when you and I were in bed,

I realized I guess Nicolas is just gonna be

one of those people in my life

that I'm always gonna almost have sex with, but I never will, you know?

Yeah, like me and you.

-Hey, Deke. -Hey, Earl.

Best conversation I had today.

Max, last night I got the idea that maybe you thought

that I didn't wanna take our relationship to the next level.

What is this? "Previously On Deke"?

And just to prove that I do wanna go to the next level, I got you a ring.

Oh, my God, Max! I'm so happy for you!

Even though I thought I'd be the first one to get engaged.

I think we all thought that.

Deke, I don't know what you're gonna pull out of your pocket,

but it better be a gun.

Actually, I know you don't want a ring-ring.

But how about a NuvaRing?

A NuvaRing? How did you know my size?

I can't wait to try it on.

Well, I am not throwing you a shower for that.

After I saw how you maybe forgot to take your pill on day one,

and then took pills all day just to be safe,

I thought you'd need a little help.

So there, Max. Will you not have children with me?

You're damn right I won't.

Oh, wait, I think these take a couple days to work.

Where are we gonna get a condom for tonight?

(WHISTLING)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)