Original subtitles

Max, your boyfriend is naked

and waving from the dumpster he calls his apartment.

Make sure it's Deke. Last time you said that, I went over,

and it was just a naked meth head in a normal dumpster.

I mean, we had a blast, but still.

Well, at least that meth head bought a bunch of cupcakes.

I mean, he thought they were alive, but he bought them.

-Hey, I'm gonna cut out early. -You're sleeping over again?

Seriously, Max, sleeping in a dumpster?

Are you trying to bring SARS back?

Well, I did bring it in the first time,

and that is the last time I hook up with a bat in Thailand.

DEKE: Hey, Max.

-Oh! (LAUGHING)

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Max is 45 minutes late.

And she better not say she have a prostate exam

because I'm not falling for that again.

Relax, she's just down the street at Deke's place.

You know how it is when you first start sleeping with somebody,

and you can't keep your hands off each other...

Yeah, just take my word for it.

I know I couldn't keep my hands off my first love.

I'm talking, of course, about my penis.

I've had enough! You two girls walk all over me.

A baby can walk all over you.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hi, everybody.

Oh, I just heard two hobos getting freaky in the garbage.

Sophie, that was Max and Deke.

Oh, I get it.

You gotta do crazy things to keep it fresh.

You know, I once had sex on a bus, and I was driving it.

Boy, were those kids late to school.

That's it, I am marching over there and putting my foot down with Max.

No one has sex on my clock.

Well, maybe your clock's not big enough.

That's it. No more free Jell-O.

(KNOCKING LOUDLY)

Max!

Max, open up. I'm very upset.

More upset than that time you enrolled me in Little League.

Hey, it was your decision to play the full season.

Oh, goody, I was hoping for some hecklers at this, my lowest moment.

Hey, if the dumpster's rockin', don't bother knockin', baby.

Hey, man.

Hello, little girl.

I'll take three boxes of Samoas and a Thin Mints.

Don't forget my Tagalongs.

They're called Peanut Butter Patties now.

Why must I be that person?

-What up, fools? -Hey, girl.

Max, you're 48 minutes late for work.

Look, Little Debbie,

we're in here preparing for a big pastry school competition tomorrow.

And having sex.

And if you ever interrupt me while I am studying--

And having sex.

...again, I will dropkick your baby-powdered ass

back to the Shire with the other hobbits.

I told her.

Did you?

All flowers must be set on top of the cakes by the time we call "time."

Everyone, final touches. (MAX CHUCKLING)

That's what I used to say when I finished my shift at Hooters.

Hot. You still got that uniform?

Oh, not sure it'd fit me anymore. I used to have really big boobs.

-Bebe, how much time is there left? -For all of us?

Oh, gosh, I'd say two months, tops.

No, no, for the cake competition.

-Oh, 60 seconds. -Only 60 seconds? Come on!

I'm sorry, I can't handle this pressure.

It's only a matter of time before I start eating my eyelashes again.

The winning team will earn a free week of class.

And also... how do you say... bragging rights.

(CLASS WHOOPING)

Hurry! Move faster, Lindsay Slow-Hands.

Forget about it, Big Mary. These competition is ours.

Deke and I are broke. We need this more than you.

Fifteen seconds!

Bonjour, Caroline. This is a real treat.

Mm-mm, uh-uh, don't do that. You're married.

I'm only here in an official capacity.

Bebe's in an emotional ball in the hall.

-Ten seconds! -Come on, girl.

Bring it home, bring it home, bring it home, bring it home!

I am way too excited about this.

Okay, everybody. I see a clear favorite here.

But, Caroline, in truth,

if I were to pick the prettiest flower in the room, I'd pick you.

That is... Incredibly obvious

and incredibly accurate.

Come on! Get a stairwell!

-Your timer. -Merci.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Just tell us who won.

The winners are, I am very happy to say...

Max and Deke. (CHEERING)

You were amazing! I love you.

I love you too.

Wait, you do?

Do you?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, well, I do too,

so suck on that.

Okay, two important things.

One, I'm the guy you've been talking to on OK-Cupid.

And two, I need five minutes of girl talk

and not a minute more because I'm worried it'll turn me into a girl.

Go. Tell me. Leave nothing out, leave everything in.

I said something today I never thought I'd say.

"Thank you?"

I said "I love you" to Deke.

He said, "I love you," and I said it back.

Oh, cool. Good for you.

Wait, that's it?

I finally decide to cave and be a girl for you,

and you hang me out to dry?

I've seen movies. You're supposed to jump around and say,

"This calls for a margarita!"

This calls for a margarita!

Too much, too late.

Your first reaction said everything,

and your second one was just annoying.

I'm sorry, I just didn't think you were taking him so seriously.

He has no money. I mean, the man lives in a dumpster.

You are such a snob.

It doesn't bother you he has to move his house

every Tuesday between 10:00 and 2:00?

No, I've always wanted to travel.

(KNOCKING)

Come on, you can't really be in love with him, right?

I mean, you can't love Deke.

Max, you're in love

with that cute mochaccino homeless guy with the Jew-fro?

He is not homeless. He lives in a beautifully decorated dumpster.

So, homeless?

I get it.

You know, I used to be engaged to a man who lived in the sewers.

Yeah, the heart wants what it wants.

Plus, he told me he was friends with the Mutant Ninja Turtles,

and they were a huge deal at the time.

At the time?

If he can introduce me to Donatello, get him back.

How did you know you loved this... sewer man?

Well, he made me laugh.

He was very passionate,

and I wanted to be with him constantly.

Probably because he got me hooked on heroin.

That was a crazy summer.

See? I feel the same way.

Minus the heroin part, unfortunately.

Hey, can I use your bathroom?

I have to tinkle, and there's a wasp in mine.

Go ahead, Sophie.

(DOOR CLOSING)

What's that look? Is the wasp behind me?

I can't believe you.

Even after three years of being friends with me,

you still have a thing against poor people.

Max, you love him, I can love him.

I just have to get to know him better.

Invite me over to the garbage can for a wine and cheese party.

Wait a minute. Wine and cheese party?

I'm gonna bring my new boy toy.

He's the Caesar salad pepperer at the Olive Garden.

No date, Sophie.

The place is so small,

I once accidentally took it home in my purse.

(SNIFFING) Mmm.

This camembert smells like feet, so you know it's good.

Look at you, Mayor McCheese. So fancy.

It's just the usual diner crew, you know.

We serve imitation imitation crab.

Well, I just wanted to class the place up for you.

You know, get some wine, get some cheese, flush.

You did not need to do that. I love that you live here.

And if a dumpster was good enough for me as a baby,

it is still good enough for me as an adult.

Oh, you love that I live here. Do you love anything else?

Well, I loved The Karate Kid movies until Will Smith's kid ruined them.

Okay, can we please be serious for a minute?

Did you just say "I love you" because I said it first?

Look, honestly, yes. But I definitely meant it, I think.

Look, I suck at this stuff.

This and not laughing when kids fall.

Just know that if, slash, when I say it again, I will mean it.

I can totally wait-- I love you, Max.

-Nice try, sneaky. (BANGING ON DOOR)

Oh, hi. Come on in.

And be nice. Remember, you barely have a bed.

Don't worry. I love this area.

I met your neighbor, the mattress.

Oh, that queen?

So, would you like a cabernet or a shiraz?

(LAUGHING) Shiraz.

Oh, that's a real name?

Oh, wow. (CHUCKLING)

Some interesting pairings here.

In fact, I'm looking at one as we speak.

Please, someone else come right now.

(BANGING)

Hi, everyone! I'm here.

Please, someone else come right now.

I brought some homemade kimchi bin dae duk.

Would you like to try it, or should I just throw it right into the garbage?

It took me a year to get this kind of smell out of here,

but thanks, Han.

Oh, what a dump.

I thought of that on the way over.

All right, let's do this.

I'm ready to rage all night, baby.

Oh, hell no. I am too old for this.

Sophie, watch your head. You might wanna take your heels off.

Take my heels off?

Communist Russia couldn't get me to take my heels off.

Hey, Earl, you wanna go get drunk somewhere?

We don't have to bend over till we want to?

Indeed, I do.

Not to brag, but I'm the only one who can stand up in here.

Cool brag, Han.

-So, Deke, tell me about yourself. -Hey, stop Guantanamo Bay-ing him.

Well, I go to pastry school, I live in a dumpster,

and I was thrown out of One Direction for being too handsome.

-That's about it. -There must be more to you than that.

I mean, I'm surprised to see a Roquefort cheese

paired with a 2001 Syrah from the Rhone region of France

at a dumpster party. Where'd you learn about wine?

Well, I wanted to impress you,

and I keep my adult grape juice game on point.

So where are you from originally?

Did you grow up in a storage facility or--

Will you stop?

He looks nervous, like the fat guy at a birthday party

when he finds out there's a pool.

(BANGING)

Coming, coming.

Good. We have the right dumpster.

I brought some wine. Bebe brought cheese.

Kind of.

Hey, guys, thanks for inviting me. Happy to be included.

All right, another babe.

Throw your keys in the bowl.

Right now, it's just me and Han, and...

That ain't happening.

What is Nicolas doing here? Hide me.

I think you're gonna run into him.

-Sorry, I thought you were into him. -I'm not into him.

Please, Caroline, relax. It's just a party.

I'm here as a friend.

-And where is your hand? -On your beautiful bottom.

Sorry, it's crowded. It was either there or in the sink.

-Please remove it. -I--I did.

That one's mine, baby.

Come on, it's 8:45, and nobody's got their tops off.

Somebody's gotta do something.

Oh, one time I played "Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Well, I got hit by a bus, and I was dead for seven minutes.

Bebe, do you want some wine?

Sure, why not? I don't have anything to do tomorrow except move to Canada.

ALL: What?

Yeah, no biggie. Long story short, they found me.

Caroline, looks like it's gonna be just you and me in the office.

Nicolas, please. What did I tell you about your hand?

That's me!

I was trying to push my way to the cheese.

Hey, Bebe Gun, if you're ever in Alberta, hit the Fairmont at Banff.

Super fun.

I got wasted and cannonballed into the lake there once.

It was frozen. Shattered my pelvis.

Good times.

Hey, I know that place. Fairmont Chateau on Lake Louise?

We used to winter there. That's a really exclusive resort.

I once saw them tell Barbra Streisand to take it to the Holiday Inn.

Caroline, you want some of my triple crème?

I don't want any of your crème.

You know what, it's getting a little crowded in here.

I'm just gonna slip out without anyone noticing.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So...

Deke... what do you think? Do you like him now?

Well, before tonight, I thought he was

the guy who walks around singing,

"When you're sliding into home

and your shorts are full of foam, diarrhea."

Now I find out he knows all about cheese

and has been to this massively expensive resort,

so I'm even more confused.

What's confusing? The foam is diarrhea.

Caroline, wait.

-Let me walk with you. -No, no, no. I'm good.

Please, at least take my scarf. It's cold.

No, I'm fine...

-Are you okay? Here, let me help. -No, Nicolas.

I am not going to be the other woman.

Despite the fact that I am literally lying in trash, I am not trashy.

Caroline, listen.

Things aren't always what they seem.

Just because that is garbage on the outside

doesn't mean that it cannot be a nice apartment on the inside.

Just because I'm married on the outside

doesn't mean I'm married on the inside.

Life is complex.

Your whole thesis is hinged on the fact

that I think that dumpster is nice on the inside...

...which I don't. Good night.

-Oh, Caroline-- -Nicolas, please don't beg.

-I just-- -Maybe another world, another life.

- I want-- - You can't leave your wife for me.

-No, it's just-- -Seriously, you don't have to say it.

No, I do.

You have a diaper on your back.

I am aware.

What are you working on there?

Is that a family having a picnic at a park?

No, it's the letter "G"!

I haven't written anything by hand since 1996.

Well, my writing's really good.

I forge a lot of checks and prescriptions.

I'm kind of a famous doctor.

You're really saying it. That says, "I love you."

No, it's Khloe Kardashian windsurfing.

Yes, Deke, I love you.

Oh, Bebe.

I wasn't expecting you today. I thought you moved.

I'm on my way. My car's outside,

but I remembered I left my medication here.

Okay, now where's the big one?

Well, as long as you're here,

could you show me where the student financial files are?

Sure, they're here in this folder I've labeled "Depressing."

I wanna check Deke's file and see if he's on scholarship.

He's definitely not on scholarship.

His family's super rich. He's a Bromberg.

Wait, Bebe. Bromberg?

I thought Deke's last name was just "Berg."

As in "Ice-" or "Pitts-."

No, he just goes by Berg for short.

You know, like me, my full name is Bebebebe.

So you're telling me Deke is from the Bromberg family,

as in the Bromberg Elevators,

the ones that are in every building in the city?

As in the Bromberg Colorectal Center at the New York Hospital?

Yeah.

You know, I once left a purse and two feet of my large intestine there.

Nice knowing you. Bye.

(TAPPING)

Ooh. I'll be right back.

If you mess up our batter, I'll cut your thing off.

Sweet, I could stand to lose five pounds.

I have some exciting news to share.

Unless it's about an off-season Shamrock Shake, I don't care.

Your Deke... Dumpster Deke... is actually Deacon Bromberg.

Of the Manhattan Brombergs! He's rich!

What are you talking about? That is crazy.

I would know if he were rich.

I wouldn't have just told a rich guy I love him.

It's all right here. Isn't this amazing?

This is like buying a dress you love and finding out it's rich.

-Whoa, why'd you do that? -You're rich.

-Max, wait. -You pretended to be poor. Liar.

Ooh, lordy be.

This kind of drama's the reason why I quit the Ohio State Football Team.

Why are you so upset?

Lying about being rich is, at most, a little white lie.

It is literally the whitest lie I have ever heard,

and it's a huge deal.

I never would have fallen in love with someone who has money.

We are drastically, massively, monumentally different people.

Hey, Max, can we talk?

Oh, I don't know. Depends on who I'm talking to.

Am I talking to Deke or Deacon Bromberg, the elevator king?

Man, if you're this upset about the money,

how are you gonna react when you find out I'm really a woman?

We wouldn't care.

I never tell anybody I'm rich until after we say I love you,

because I don't want money to change anything.

Money changes everything!

Now excuse me. I gotta do my second job,

which you wouldn't know anything about.

Don't you have an ascot convention to get to?

DEKE: Still here.

Also, two customers just showed up.

We don't need their money!

We're big, fat liars pretending to be poor too.

Yeah, my mom invented dogs.

Any time someone buys a dog, we get ten percent!

Now I can't believe it.

Even after three years with me as a friend,

you still have a thing against rich people.

I do, because rich people suck.

They think they're better than everyone and are generally sucky.

So he has money, I don't want it.

Again, just wildly different people.

And, Max, just because he's rich on the outside

doesn't mean he's not like you on the inside.

Life is complex.

(KNOCKING)

I don't wanna see you right now!

Hey... I don't wanna see you either!

Just toss me something chocolate with some cream in the middle!

And speaking of cream in the middle...

Your little homeless boyfriend is tryin' to get your attention.

He's not homeless, he's not my boyfriend, he's rich.

Rich? And he's single?

(GASPING)

Maybe I will take off my heels!

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)