Original subtitles

Fresh warm cupcakes!

Enjoy this winter wonderland with some hot, hot cocoa!

Why are we open and selling to no one

when we should be closed and taking a floor nap?

Yes, Max, it's a blizzard right now,

but in an hour, it could be 65!

That's the beauty of global warming.

You, stop!

I'll give you a peppermint stick!

That is a straw with red stripes.

Well, what sounds better, Max?

A peppermint stick or, "A straw with red stripes"?

First of all, great impression of me.

And second, no one in their right mind

is stopping for cupcakes right now.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, girls!

Guess who wants a cupcake?

It's me.

Here you go, Sophie.

See, Max, we have a customer.

And just so you know, I'm not gonna pay.

Oh, I'm so glad you stayed open

even with all this snow everywhere.

You know, good for you.

You two are really committed

to this little cupcake window...

...even when it's stupid.

That's it, we're closing.

These streets need to be plowed

more than that poor married Jonas brother.

-No, wait. Listen! -(VEHICLE BEEPING)

It's the snowplow.

Now, people will be able to get to us.

I told you it is gonna be one of those magical

New York City nights.

Do it again!

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Why are we here?

It's still snowing, and we have no customers.

I had to put money in the cash register just to steal it.

We can't just leave. Han's not here.

Maybe the trains aren't running

or Han got knocked out by a snowflake.

Well, you know the diner rule....

the one I just made up.

If he's 30 minutes late, we grab whatever

we can fit in our pockets and leave.

Of course, if he's 31 minutes late

and there's no one here, we all get fired.

But I say we roll the dice.

Well, whatever happened,

we can't run the diner if Han's not here.

That's right.

Who's gonna walk around here

guessing what a vagina looks like?

Uhh... me?

(BELL DINGS)

Pick up. I like this cold weather.

I get to wear my chin-cheetah hat.

Chin-cheetah?

That's not even a real animal.

Yes, it is. This was the last one.

Who's that food for? We don't have any customers.

It's for me and Deke.

We're studying pastry school stuff in the cupcake shop.

We're also putting rocks in snowballs

and throwing them at hipsters

wearing those stupid stuffed animal hats.

Max, you think school will be open?

I was hoping it'd be closed

so I'd have at least have one day

where I wouldn't have to deal with drama

between me and Chef Nicolas.

Oh, is that the married man you kissed?

-Who told you? -You! Like a hundred times.

Ooh! Let's play a snow day game.

Like what?

Guess the code to the safe in Han's office?

I know the first two numbers are eight and nine.

How about...

If you could have sex with anyone here, who would it be?

"Could have" or "forced to have"?

Oleg, you go first.

-I pick Caroline. -Oh, thank you. That's gross.

No, Caroline got mauled by a bear in the snow.

I did?

No, it was me in a bear costume.

She never saw me coming.

So my only two choices are you or Earl?

No, Earl passed away in his sleep.

Of course, you'll feel terrible

when that happens in a couple of weeks.

Now, if you'd excuse me,

I'm going to go home and roll me a fatty.

Her name is Denise.

Okay, so I pick you.

Me?

You pick me out of all these two people?

-Luis, are you blushing? -No! I'm wearing blush.

Don't worry, everyone! I survived!

Still don't know where Han is,

but the new Bond villain just arrived.

Now there's an even bigger Octopussy in town.

I'm very sorry I'm late.

I got stuck in a snow bank and had to pee myself out.

Where's Max?

And I know she's not trapped in the storm

'cause she's the one who taught me....

how to pee my way out.

Max, what is the French name for this pastry

that looks like a bunch of glazed balls?

(FRENCH ACCENT) A sha-ta-ta?

No.

(FRENCH ACCENT) A doh-doh-doh-doh-doh?

Oh, so close. (FRENCH ACCENT) It's a "pata-choo."

French and chemistry for pastry school?

I thought class was gonna be like,

"Which is better, cake or bread?"

"They're both great, duh. Here's your degree."

I have terrible news.

Han's not dead and he wants us to do side work.

Do you mind? Harry Pothead and I are trying to study.

Oh, Max, I know how we'll pass.

We can ask that girl next to us in class for help.

She speaks French.

You know, the one with the bubble butt, Judy?

Oh, yeah! Judy with the booty.

You don't know her that well.

Please, call her "Judith with the boodith."

Max, can I interrupt this episode of "Ass Chat"...

...and talk to you outside for a second?

-Sure. -Hey, Max.

Her butt's so big, she walks into the room doggie-style.

(CHUCKLES)

Like I said to my uncle when he came into my bedroom

in the middle of the night, "This better be good."

Does it bother you when Deke talks about other girls

with you like you're a guy?

Not as much as it bothers me when you

talk to me like I'm a girl.

Look, Deke and I are just bros.

I don't want to sleep with him.

Not that there's anything wrong

with two bros sleeping together.

I'm not bromophobic.

It's just not what this is.

So you're sure there's nothing sexual

going on between you and him?

Yes, I'm sure.

No!

Watch, I'm gonna take a snow swim.

(SHOUTS)

Not that cold. (SPUTTERS)

You're right, nothing sexual there,

unless you like adult men in Underoos.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Well, there's Nicolas.

I was not prepared for this.

Really? 'Cause we spent the entire subway ride

preparing you for this.

Okay, look, should I brace myself for weirdness

between you two?

And by that, I mean should I hit this?

No, I'm cool.

Cool as a cucumber.

LL Cool J. Never been cooler.

Ugh, why didn't I drink before you said that?

Oh, yeah. I am gonna ice him out.

Well, maybe lose a couple of those cubes

because he is your boss, and the only reason

I can afford to go here is 'cause you work in the office.

Don't worry, he'll never know. Pretend you're Nicolas.

(IMITATING NICOLAS) Hello, Caroline.

I am a man, but I am pretty like a lady.

-Good morning, how are you? -Ooh, that was good.

-(ELEVATOR DINGS) -'DEKE: Sup, Max?

-Look who I got to ride up with. -Hey, Max.

Hey, Jude. You ever heard that one before?

Yeah. Is that, like, a thing?

Thanks for the ride up, Deke.

Caroline. (MOUTHING)

I thought we were gonna have to take the freight elevator.

Really? I assumed you guys would take the

ass-calator.

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Good morning, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

Can't you see I'm mad at you?

-Then why are you smiling? -This is my fake face.

Then what does your real face look like?

How dare you kiss me when you're married?

I prefer the fake one.

-Bonjour, class. -Bonjour, Chef Nicolas.

Today, we will be concentrating

on the chemistry of baking, for tomorrow's test.

I don't know about the damn test,

but I would ace a pop quiz on that ass.

-Oh, sorry. -I'll get that.

Let Judy pick it up.

It's a chance to see it in motion.

You think she got that thing

at a Kim Kardashian backyard sale?

When you add water to the flour

to hydrate the two proteins,

glutenin and gliadin, those two proteins

are drawn to each other, and they bond.

Like I like to say, they're hot for each other.

Max, look, they were drawn to each other,

they bonded,

and now, we've got our own big butt.

Dat ass, though!

More like dat ass dough.

You need to wet the dough with water

to keep it moist and supple.

Wet your bread, everyone.

Wet your bread.

Mine's pretty wet. How's yours?

Mine would be, but it's on antidepressants.

Work with your partner.

Help each other out.

Here, let me help, Max.

Yeah, mine's not as smooth as yours.

Keep kneading it. You need more water.

It's better, right?

Yeah, I think wetting it helped.

Caroline, something is really wrong with me.

Don't freak out.

I'm here for you.

Unless it's something I can catch.

Something weird happened.

I think I might have feelings for Deke.

Oh, God, no!

I mean, that is interesting. Let's talk about that.

I don't know what to do. We're bros.

And I don't want to ruin the friendship...

Which is really unlike me.

I always ruin friendships.

I've tried to ruin ours since you moved in.

Well, what changed with Deke?

It was so weird, he was wetting my bread

and then my bread was wet, if you know what I'm saying.

Okay, thank you. I'm finally off bread.

Look, I understand.

You can't always help who you're attracted to.

It's like with me and Nicolas--

This is not the same as you and Frenchie.

I wasn't attracted to Deke before today.

The first time you met Nicolas

your vagina fell on the floor

and tried to crawl up his leg.

Yes, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on.

Because I was not born

to have sex with a married man.

If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer

when he came over for the Christmas tree lighting

at my house.

Matt Lauer, that guy's got game.

No hair, but game.

Hey, everybody, good news!

Oh, I passed that kidney stone.

Yeah, I think the skiing loosened it.

Oh, I felt like I was birthing a baby through my eye hole.

Did you save the stone?

'Cause only three more

and you can make me that necklace.

Max, don't change the subject.

What are you gonna do about Deke?

Oh, wait, I love giving advice.

I had my own advice column in Poland.

It was called, "Don't Do That!"

Sophie, have you ever had sex with a friend?

(GASPS) Oh, no.

Are you two gonna do it?

-No, that is not what-- -Oh, don't do that!

No, it will ruin your relationship

and my opinion of Max.

What about your opinion of me?

(MUMBLES) It's already pretty low.

What am I gonna do about Deke?

He's coming over to study tonight.

Oh, God, I sound like such a girl from the '50s.

Gonna go cry into my princess phone.

You should tell Deke how you feel,

and tell him tonight,

because I think that Judy girl likes him

and I think he might like her too.

Why do you say that?

I literally don't care at all,

but I just want to know, why would you say that?

Max, he likes big butts, and he cannot lie.

"At what temperature does sugar crystallize?"

"Fahrenheit and Celsius." Go, Max.

Max.

Why are you looking at me like that?

This doesn't make any sense!

Well, your book is upside down.

Hey, hearing a lot of chitchat in here.

Just wanted to make sure you two are studying.

Stop studying. Kiss him.

All right, well, I better be going.

-Just, pretend I'm not here. -I always do.

Hey um...

This is weird, but before we study,

I kind of have something to tell you.

Weird, 'cause I kinda have something to tell you.

That is weird. Maybe it's the same thing.

Someone wants to have sex with me.

How did you know that?

'Cause Judy with the booty just texted me,

"Would you like to study tonight?

And then have sex with me?"

I think you've interpreted that correctly.

Wow, she's direct and, I might add, slutty.

I know, she's got balls to go with that butt.

So what were you gonna tell me?

Oh, I--I was going to tell you

what you just told me.

That Judy with the booty wants to have sex with you.

Glad she got up the guts to tell you.

So go for it.

Wait, you want me to go for it?

Yeah, totally, go for it.

She seems kind of clean, go get it.

But we're supposed to study.

I wouldn't want to bail on you just to go hit that.

Hey, if you don't, I will.

You're really gonna pass that ass up?

Now get going

'cause I have to memorize what temperature

cho-cho-cho turns into chan-chan-chan.

-So you're telling me to go? -I'm saying, "Ta-ta-ta."

Go get her bread wet. Make it rise, bro.

Okay, then, bro.

I guess I will go, but with that butt,

if I come back a crack addict, it's your fault.

Where's he going? Is this a condom run?

Is he going on a condom run?

'Cause, if he is,

can you text him to pick me up a Diet Coke?

Can, not a bottle. You know the deal.

He's going to have sex with Judy.

You were right, he's into her.

I'm so glad I didn't say anything.

That would have felt terrible.

-How do you feel now? -Terrible.

But at least I didn't embarrass myself.

I was this close to showing him my gnomes.

Wow, you must really like him

if you were willing to let him know that you're an insane person.

Well, I'm about to be more screwed than Judy

because I didn't study at all.

I know French. I can help you.

You can help me with the keys you have to Nicolas' office.

We are breaking in and stealing the test!

Why are you covering his ears?

He knows you steal.

You took him from someone's yard.

I can't believe we're sneaking into his office to steal your test.

This is cheating.

Oh, don't worry.

I hear my teacher's kind of into cheating.

Can't argue with that.

Max, please hurry. Find the test

and let's get out of here

because we shouldn't be in here

and it smells like him and I like it.

Okay, one of these papers has to be it.

Oh, no, everything's written in secret code!

Max, that's French.

How is it possible he's even better-looking

in photos than in real life?

Max, hurry up. I can't be around his stuff.

My vagina's trying to get out of my pants again.

Well, get her out here!

Maybe she can help me look for the test

'cause you're useless.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Oh, no, it's Nicolas.

I can smell him in the hall, and I like it.

Max, let's get out of here.

Okay, well, you have to stay and distract him

so I can sneak out.

Just pretend you're not mad

and you came in to see him.

I can't just turn it on like that.

What am I, an actress at a cocktail party?

You have to, it's the only logical explanation you have

for being in here.

Caroline.

I've missed you. I'm in your office.

That's the only logical explanation I have

for being in here.

Oh, ouch!

Oh, sorry. Did I hurt you?

Oh, no, I'm sitting on something.

Oh, sorry. Oh, those are the exams for today.

Oh, well, let me just give us some room

while I push these exams on the floor.

Now, kiss me again,

but, this time, lay on top of me

so your legs are out of the way. Now, go!

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

You know this can't happen. You're married.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go snap something back on.

Well, here are the test answers.

But I don't know what the questions are

because I only got half the test,

and I'm only half sure those are the answers.

Whoa, dude, how did you get this?

I turned Caroline into a whore.

Can you figure out any of this?

I don't have any idea what these questions could be.

I didn't study either.

Judy and I got to talk, and it got pretty involved.

Well, now we're screwed.

I mean, you already got screwed.

Congrats. Proud of you, bro.

Max, we're gonna flunk this test.

Better go to the men's room

and write all the answers on my penis.

Don't worry, they'll fit.

I hope you're happy?

I've now kissed a married man twice.

Oh, and here, I grabbed this from Nicolas' office.

That's not the test. It's a phone bill.

I know, I wanted you to see he doesn't call his wife much.

(FIRE ALARM BLARES)

Fire! Everyone get out!

Move your big ass! We're gonna burn!

Scoot.

Oh, my God, Max! I hope Nicolas is okay!

Don't worry about me, I'm right behind you!

Caroline, I want you to be safe.

Come with me.

You're married.

I'll just stay here and burn.

Caroline, don't be crazy.

This is all your fault.

Don't worry about me, I'm right behind you!

(ALARM STOPS) Max, wait.

It's just a false alarm. I pulled it.

So classy.

You weren't gonna pass that test

and I need you in that class with me.

You did this for me?

Yeah, and for me too, I wasn't gonna pass either.

But, look,

when you were talking about me and Judy just now,

you seemed kind of weird, and--

Oh, hey, I just had a weird moment yesterday

when you were getting my dough wet

and I kinda got turned on.

Sort of thought I liked you. Yeah, gross, right?

Oh, right, yeah. Totally gross.

Anyway, dude, we're just bros.

Okay, bro...

But just so you know,

nothing happened between me and Judy last night.

That's lame.

If you like a girl

you should just grab her and kiss her.

Okay.

-Was that weird? -Yeah. And I liked it.

Max, come on! Oh.

Sorry to interrupt,

but we're supposed to evacuate the building.

There's no fire. Deke pulled the alarm.

I wanted to kiss her.

Yeah. Turns out he's into dudes.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)