Original subtitles

Okay, Max, I figured out our new schedule.

And I figured out the cheap toothpaste we've been using

is really diaper cream.

On the plus side, that rash cleared up on my gums.

We'll do our diner shift from 6:00 till 2:00,

then sell cupcakes here from 2:00 to 4:00.

Make the cupcakes in the morning from 7:00 to 11:00,

and then pastry school from 12:00 to 4:00.

-Forget anything? -Just pooping and sleeping.

Now, I have to go rewrite the schedule.

Let's go, Max, you have a huge, huge day tomorrow.

First day of pastry school.

Stop saying it's huge.

Whenever I think something's gonna be huge,

it just turns out to be all balls.

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

I splurged and had my blouse cleaned.

Dry cleaning bags remind me of when I had money.

Really?

They remind me of when my mother tried to suffocate me.

Allegedly. Let's go.

Wait, wait. Max, you can't go yet.

I need you to stay and help with something.

Han, I told you, it's bend and wipe,

then up come your big boy pants.

Yeah, Han's right. You can't go.

Stay here a few more minutes.

Why? Oh, are we having an intervention for Max?

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody.

Oh, I hope I'm not late

for Max's first day of school surprise party.

Sophie, we hadn't surprised her yet.

Oh, but she's right there. You just blew it, Han.

Oh, a surprise party. Isn't this sweet, Max?

I don't trust it.

Last time Oleg yelled "surprise" at me,

his penis was on a hot dog bun.

One meat lover's pizza.

And one meat lover.

Max, come on. Get it while it's hot.

You're opening that box.

Oh, who's got a ten to tip the cute pizza delivery guy?

Sophie, this is Luis, the day waiter.

Oh, you're Sophie, Oleg's ex.

Sister, I know all about you.

Oh, do you?

Do you know all about me?

I'm his good friend.

You know, I'm having trouble hearing your accent.

Did you say "good friend" or "girlfriend"?

Please, mami. I wish.

I like the entertainment.

It's better than the magician

at my friend Stephanie's 16th birthday

that made her virginity disappear.

Max, we're all so proud of you.

Tomorrow is the first day

-of the rest of your life. -Oh, crap.

I gotta do this again?

All right, but this time, I'm not seeing Trouble with the Curve.

You are about to do something very big.

Yes, she is. Such a big step.

Big step for both of us,

'cause I'll be using my business acumen

working in the office to help pay the tuition.

Sh! I'm talking about Max.

So we all chipped in to get you something

-for your first day of school. -It's my first day, too.

Caroline, please, I can't hear Han talking about Max, okay?

Here you go, darling, a book bag for school.

So what, then, is my surprise party after this one?

What is happening?

People doing nice things for me and smiling?

Am I transferring foster homes again?

And there's more stuff inside.

That was supposed to be a surprise, too.

Surprise!

Max, open it. Look inside.

Yeah, Max, see what's inside for your big day.

Big day for Max. Big day for me as well.

A metrocard? No way.

From me. Unlimited rides.

Oh. Unlimited rides, is that what your tramp stamp says?

I was gonna get mad, but that was a damn good one.

Okay.

What's this, Han's house?

A simple thank you would suffice.

Thank you for your house, Han.

It's a pencil case, and I love it.

And I was sitting here,

thinking how you were all ignoring my part of the big day,

and then you give me this pencil case to use in the office

and prove me wrong.

That's for Max.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Max doesn't even need pencils. She'll be baking.

Well, she'll be baked. Take a look.

Joints!

Earl, that's so sweet.

These should last me till recess.

Wait, where's the chef's coat Sophie had monogrammed?

Han, that was supposed to be a surprise.

Oh, I know. Karma's a bitch.

Oh, well.

-Look. -(GASPS)

My name's on this.

The only thing my name's ever been on before

is a urine sample.

Thank you, everyone.

So, there is nothing in that bag for me?

Nothing?

Wow. I'd even take Oleg's penis in a hot dog bun right now.

I'll be right back.

-Getting on. -Please move.

-Getting on! -Please move.

-Getting on! -Please move!

-On! On! -Move! Move!

I love the subway.

It's the perfect place to get out aggression.

I just punched someone in the kidney.

-It was me. -I know.

Oh, oh, bad smell, like someone hooked up with a falafel.

It was me.

I know.

-Max. -Sorry.

Subways, planes, and mosh pits, I let it ride.

Oh, I love the smell of this fresh, dry-cleaned blouse.

I am so excited to be out of that waitress uniform,

and back in my chic business clothes,

and, you know, going to my office,

where I'll probably save the day using some of my Wharton magic.

You know, I think I like you better without hope.

Max, you know this school is expensive, right?

You're going in with a good attitude, right?

No, that's what Earl's pencils are for.

Don't worry, I'll do my best.

I mean, look, I have a book bag.

The only thing my mother ever sent me to school with

was a note that said, "Check me for lice."

It was so sweet of everyone to give you that,

even though I didn't sleep all night about it.

And it looks kind of expensive. Check for a designer label.

Why, it's the thought that counts.

Since when?

Let me see it.

ANNOUNCER: Second Avenue Station.

This is Second Avenue.

No, no, no, Max! No, he got the book bag.

Good, Max, good. Don't let go.

What if the train starts to leave and my arms pop off?

How will I go to pastry school?

I'll be one of those people decorating cookies

-with a bag in their mouth. -You are the devil. The devil!

We have nothing.

Pull, Max, pull! Pull it from the devil!

Can't. The devil works out.

My bag.

My blouse!

My weed!

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, great, look. Class has started.

My new life already blows.

Oh, look. There's Chef Gorgeous.

I don't want him to see me like this.

I'm gonna go to the restroom

and see if cold water can get out any of the stain.

Go, Max.

But I don't have my chef coat or book bag.

I know I only had them for a couple of hours,

but it was the best part of me.

You'll do great.

First, do me a favor. Check me for lice.

This course is designed

to introduce you to the skills and techniques required

in the production of yeast bread,

short pastry doughs, custards,

pâte à choux and cake batters.

Chef Max, you're late.

Wait, are you sure the class doesn't start at 10:17?

Sorry, I got robbed on the subway by some jerk.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm right here.

I ran out of options, and I didn't wanna strip

my way through pastry school.

That's an option?

All right, chefs. Let's focus.

Did he say he wants to "foke us"?

Good morning, Bebe.

Hi-- Oh, my God. What happened to you?

And I should tell you, my doctor says

I'm not allowed to hear bad news for another month.

I apologize for my appearance.

We got robbed on the subway,

and then someone hit me with hot coffee.

Then I went to wash cold water on the stain

and somehow wound up entering myself in a wet T-shirt contest.

Um...

That's a lot of energy for me,

so I'm just gonna need to sit here for a second and be quiet.

I know we're being quiet, which I'm all about,

but cute dogs.

Oh, thanks. They're cocker spaniels.

I rescue them.

You know, people rescue greyhounds and pit bulls,

but everyone ignores the cocker spaniel.

They're like, "Ew, eye goo. Shoot it."

I have three cockers.

Do you have any pets?

I have a horse, Chestnut, he's a thoroughbred.

Well, what can I do first?

What's this? Why am I holding a juice menu?

Every day, we get fresh-pressed juice

for the students and the staff.

What a treat.

Fresh juice is such a scam unless someone else is paying.

I'll take the greens number three.

Uh-huh, well, put it on the list when you get the other ones.

Wait, I'm supposed to get the juice?

Oh, boy, it's like I'm a bad news machine.

Oh. Okay.

Happy to do it.

Surprised, but happy.

Maybe I could change into one of those cute chef jackets.

Oh, Chef Nicholas only permits pastry chefs to wear these.

But I can't meet everyone on my first day

looking like this.

I mean, it's already bad enough I'm the juice girl.

I have some workout clothes you can wear.

Don't worry. I haven't worn them yet.

But I will someday.

Hi.

Hi, everyone, I'm here to take the fresh juice orders

and also to say this is not what I came to work in.

What I came to work in had less eyes.

Caroline, welcome.

How is it going in the office, so far?

So great, and so not what I came to work in.

I'm usually wearing Chanel, not le chien.

That's dog in French.

Oh, 'cause it's dork in English.

Well, it is lovely to see both of your faces.

Class, we start with the basics. No, no, no,

-you in the back.... -Juice, miss?

Care for a juice from someone who scored 1560 on her SATs?

You can score more than 500?

Why the hell are you wearing that?

I didn't think your chest could get any sadder.

It's Bebe's.

Max, taking juice orders is not what I came here to do.

I hear you. I'll have the ruby red.

I always keep the edge clean, so when I'm squeezing it,

it's not gonna have cream popping all over the place.

Words to live by.

I have the opposite problem.

Yo, my cream's popping right now.

What are you doing?

You told me you were gonna take school seriously.

It's not me. That guy's a bad influence.

Look at him.

He looks like someone who sells drugs on Sesame Street.

You're gonna get in trouble, and I am not wearing

a cocker spaniel so you can get kicked out of class.

Right. I hear you. Now, where's my juice?

Hey, Chef Max, check out my technique.

(MAKES FLATULENCE SOUND)

Awesome gross sound bonus.

Chef, if you find this so funny, why don't you take a fiver?

Isn't this how your saying goes?

I don't have a saying, but if I did,

it'd be more like, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

Anyone else who finds something hilarious

can also go into the hall.

-Chef Max? -Nope, nothing "ilarious".

Teach on.

Enough with the dirty jokes.

We're all here to become master bakers.

Master-baking is something I work really hard at it.

-To be a master baker-- -I'll be in the hall.

Hi, I'm Deke.

-Did you say freak? -Deke.

Did you say geek?

Deke, as in "Big Deke."

Mine's bigger.

We should be lab partners.

Come on, it'll be bitchin'. Max and Deke, making cakes.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, with a special performance by Creed.

(MAKES GUITAR SOUNDS)

Okay, now stop, stop, stop.

I am trying to be a good student,

so you just stay away from me, you're a bad influence.

I know I nailed that speech 'cause kids at school

used to say it to me all the time.

(ALARM BEEPS)

-Time to change your tampon? -Yep.

Day two, serious flow.

Killer Fanny Pack. Where's your tribal poncho?

Ah, keep my needles in this.

You're a drug addict, too?

God! You are irresistible.

It's, uh, it's insulin. I'm a diabetic.

A diabetic pastry chef.

Wow, you're even more self-destructive than me.

So, diabetes, how is that?

Disappointing. I put in for syphilis.

Stop laughing.

I have to carry 27 juices two blocks wearing this.

Why do you let the dog lady talk to you like that?

She's my friend, even in that shirt.

Well, there goes another $12.

I have spent more money dry cleaning this blouse

than I have on health care.

Health care?

You mean that box of Band-Aids we got at the 99-cent store?

I just have to look good tomorrow.

Today was mortifying.

They called me "Sad dog" at the juice place.

"Sad dog, your juices are ready."

Sad dog, pick up.

Can you take these to table ten? I'm backed up on the booth.

Can you? I'm kind of just sitting here a minute...

...enjoying not being told what to do.

I get enough of it at that school.

Look!

If you're gonna do the martyr thing,

do it right.

Stick your hand in boiling oil

or even more painful,

binge-watch Shahs of Sunset on Bravo.

I need to talk to you in the kitchen now.

Leave, someone's about to get schooled about school.

This looks like it's going to get dirty and ugly.

May I film it?

And if so, may I then sell it on the Internet?

Look.

-You can't just do this for me. -You're right. So, we're out?

No, we're not out, you said you were gonna do this for me.

I know but you just said I can't just do it for you,

and I agree.

-I mean, who was I kidding? -Me. You were kidding me.

I went in there thinking I was gonna use my business skills,

and whatever hope I had of a flirtation

with Frenchie McFrench went out the window

when he saw me wearing that T-shirt that said,

"Don't forget to spay and neuter me."

-Fine, I can quit. It's fine. -It is, really?

No, it's not fine!

-Who am I kidding? -Me. You were kidding me.

Well, you've gotta figure out something there

to keep you interested because you can't go to pastry school

just for me, and I'm not gonna not go to pastry school for you.

Okay. You're right, Max. Of course I'll do it for you.

I just had a bad day. I mean, we both did.

You lost your man's briefcase and your drugs,

and I lost my dignity and a possible love interest.

Surprise!

See, that's how it's supposed to go.

-We got you a new book bag. -Yeah, and a new chef's jacket.

And a switchblade.

Yeah, 'cause we're not buying another chef's jacket.

Max, you know what this means?

That I got two surprises, and you got nothing?

No, that everything's gonna work out at that school.

I mean, in the blink of an eye, just like this,

things can change from bad to good.

Well, not totally good.

They still haven't gotten me anything.

Caroline, you didn't not get anything.

Here, your very own pencil case.

But no pencils.

My pencil dealer got busted.

Oh. Thank you, guys.

I'm touched. I was not expecting it.

Really?

'Cause you kind of bullied us all into it.

So that's a 780 on verbal,

and a 780 on math.

And with my degree in finance,

jackass-ing around the city getting juice

could be seen as a waste of my talents.

And as the valedictorian at my graduation said,

and I'm stealing from myself here...

"I've seen the future of finance... and it's us."

So you want me to get the juices?

Just for today, please?

Meringue cookies are a simple way to practice

our pastry bag technique.

Interesting technique you got going there, chef.

Dude, we gotta ditch these deadbeat partners.

I'm stuck over there with grandma.

No, I'm staying with the big guy next to me.

He's not gonna get me in trouble. He never talks.

Get outta here.

Go back to your own table, Fat Albert.

Okay. I'm going back.

And the "Fat Albert" thing was 'cause I'm black,

not fat, right?

'Cause I go to the gym two, three times a year.

I hear talking, but no baking up front.

No, no, no, you only hear baking.

Just furiously master-baking up here.

The meringue needs to have nice peaks.

You are looking to make moist, pointy peaks.

I like to pinch them.

Chef, seriously, man-to-man,

we got a problem.

I don't think Max should be stuck with that big guy.

He's not cool.

I was just over there,

and the only pointy peaks he's interested in are hers.

Talkin' boobies here, chef.

Chef John, Chef Deke here seems to think

you are sexually harassing Max.

(EFFEMINATELY) Oh, please.

If I was harassing anyone, it would be you, chef.

I mean, come on.

-Be right back, Big Mary. -You know it.

Where's my juice? It's been an hour.

The mood swing elf is getting them.

Look, I'm coming in there to flirt with Chef Nicholas,

and when I enter, I need you to say,

"Caroline, you look amazing."

No.

I actually physically can't say that.

I would rather walk in there and yell,

"I have crabs, and three of them just escaped."

Call 911. Call 911.

Something's happened to the adorable mixed-race one.

Deke?

He's diabetic. He needs insulin.

Has anyone here ever administered a needle?

Administer means the same thing as "shove it in," right?

Good, good, good, Max. Come, come, come.

Okay, uh, his syringes are in his fanny pack.

I've actually never done this without Iron Maiden

playing in the background, but I'll give it a shot.

Just put it anywhere in my hot bod.

God help us.

Oh, I hate needles. I can't look.

(BOTH GASP)

Get it together, ladies.

This is why I'm not allowed to hold babies.

Max, I think you and Deke should be lab partners

from now on, in case something like this happens again.

-Is that okay? -I guess if I have to.

Max?

I guess if I have to.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

What, did you not take your insulin on purpose?

I really wanted to be your partner.

Bebe, I can't find a chef jacket anywhere in here.

And I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to wear one,

but I'm really cold, and I can't walk around like this all day.

Maybe I can help.

You can't stand there wet and cold.

-Take my jacket. -Oh, no, no, no.

You don't have to-- Oh, that'll work.

I'm sorry about the no shirt under,

but I just get so hot when I'm teaching.

Yeah, hot. So hot.

(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)

I was just giving it to Caroline.

I mean, she needs something to wear, and...

And now, she has it.

Chef, I will see you later.

Caroline....

Max, I think I found something to keep me interested.

This is weird.

So, I'm the good student now,

and you're the one sleeping with the teacher?

We're not sleeping together. Why, do you think he wants to?

I don't know,

but you better hurry it up before Big Mary gets him.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

(English US - SDH)