Original subtitles

Thank you.

That was like our tenth gay guy tonight.

Let's have our gay buzz last longer than Adam Lambert's.

Oh, well, I'm all over it.

And by "it," I mean I'm all over Grindr.

Max, why are you on that app?

You're not a gay man looking for anonymous sex.

Don't put me in a box.

You told me to find ways to drum up business,

well, I'm drumming it up by showing off this guy's bid-ness.

I pretended to be a rough and ready Puerto Rican guy

who still likes to cuddle.

That there is gay chum, my friend.

Ooh, I hooked a big one. Get the net.

Hi.

Was a muscular Puerto Rican guy just here?

When is there not?

Would you like to purchase a delicious cupcake

while you wait?

Well, maybe, while I wait.

My phone says he's right here.

Here, this is on the house

because the muscular gay guy...

-That's him. -Oh.

It's cool that you're transitioning,

but you really should let people know you're not Puerto Rican.

Wow.

He said he was 22 and butch, so I'm mad, too.

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Earl, I need my checks for tonight.

-Beautiful. -Check.

-Sexy. -Check.

-Cool. -Check.

Sorry, I'm late.

I was ten minutes early for my shift,

so I thought, "Well, I have 20 minutes to kill"...

....and I wondered into this cool surf shop

and saw this guy polishing a surfboard.

A surfer here?

You don't hang ten in Williamsburg, you hang yourself.

I'm with Max.

The only waves we get in Brooklyn are heat waves and crime waves.

Earl, you never go out to the beach?

Are you crazy?

I ain't gonna get eaten by some shark.

Ain't nobody got time for that.

The chances of you being bitten by a shark

are like .0001 percent.

Not if you're black.

Sharks are racist as hell.

That's why they call them "great whites."

Marc, the surfer and I really hit it off,

and he is so cute,

like a young Matthew McConaughey but with real hair.

So nothing like Matthew McConaughey.

I hope he texts me. I love surfing.

I never go in the water because I know if I start drowning,

I'm not gonna fight it.

When I used to summer in St. Barts,

there'd be these sexy Italian surfers,

and they'd invite us to sunbathe on their boards.

I mean, they robbed us, but it was amazing.

Caroline, if you're looking for that kind of guy,

I have a cousin who loves the water.

It's the only place he can move his legs.

Oh, sweet. No thanks.

Well, think about it.

You'll be the front row of every concert

and he doesn't move around a lot when he sleeps.

Here.

Give old Ironside my number.

What! I love music.

And if he bugs me,

the city has one of those free vans that will take him home.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

It's the surfer asking me out to dinner.

And he thinks he can get us into the hot new spot, Harlow & Daughters.

Oh, that's that trendy restaurant

that replaced a perfectly good Hot Dog on a Stick.

Good night, broke-ass divas.

Good night, brokeback waiter.

I'm gonna go get a massage.

And then, who knows? Maybe give one.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm coming back here pregnant.

Luis, can you work for me tomorrow?

Absolutely not. No.

Oleg's working.

I'll ask him to wear his fishnet tank top.

Then, yes.

Dinner with a cute guy who has connections

to the A-list place.

I'm living my old life.

Hey, everybody.

Did your old life have one of these?

Caroline, what is my number one diner rule?

Don't tell anyone the meat isn't real?

Sh! Come on, you can see it.

It's real.

Don't tell anyone you buy the shrimp

out of your friend's trunk?

He lays down a blanket. No.

-No, phones. -(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Max, he got us the reservation.

I'm going to dinner at the new "it" place.

Ooh! The "it" place.

Let's have dinner at the "it" place.

How come this isn't the "it place"?

This isn't an "it place".

It's more of an "it hole."

Okay. So, how do we become an "it place"?

First, burn the place down. Start fresh.

Then you create hype

by making it impossible to get a reservation.

You basically refuse to let anyone in.

Can I be the first?

Okay, I've put my date purse together.

I've got my gum, my glass and a 20 dollar bill

to make it seem like I have money,

which I will return to the register at the diner tomorrow.

Well, you're welcome to use my date purse.

It's a Ziploc with a cigar and a change of boxers.

And my phone is fully charged,

so I can call an Uber car to take me home.

An Uber car?

You can't afford a fancy town car.

Yesterday, you used an English muffin to exfoliate.

Yeah, and then I ate it.

Plus it's on our joint credit card,

which means every time you make a dumb purchase,

you owe me a joint.

I don't want to have him take me home

and give him the wrong idea.

Oh, please do give him the wrong idea.

Stay out all night with a surfer,

ride his half-pipe.

That's not surfboard, that's snowboard.

Perfect, because I'm snow-bored with this conversation.

What do you think, these things on full display?

I hate to be that roommate,

but I didn't say you could borrow my breasts.

What, it's just a push-up bra,

chicken cutlets, a little tissue and some tape.

You know, natural.

Just go on your date already.

Nancy and I have been really looking forward to you leaving

so we can walk around naked and do some lines of cat nip.

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Oh, that must be him.

Don't worry, he's not coming inside.

He better not 'cause we can't afford a baby.

Oh, it's just Sophie.

(POLISH ACCENT) "Just Sophie!"

That was the name of my talk show in Poland.

Oh, how I wished I could have been a guest on that show.

No, there weren't no guests. It was just Sophie.

Oh, you're getting ready for your big date, Caroline?

How did you hear about my date?

Oh, well, your voice travels.

Yeah.

I hear everything that does and doesn't happen down here

and down there, so...

Yeah. So, let's just say I'm very glad that you're going on a date.

Oh, and I got you a little present.

Cinnamon mints for your first kiss.

Oh, that's so sweet, Sophie.

Yeah, and I got you a big grab bag of condoms.

I got all sizes.

I got magnums, I got super magnums,

I got regular and...

...he's got a great personality.

Here you go.

Usually, a great personality

is the only birth control I need.

Thank you but I am a lady,

and I won't be needing these until our third date.

Well, you better hurry up and get dressed.

Sophie, I'm already dressed.

You are?

And I like what I'm wearing.

You do?

Well... just put on a little makeup.

I'm fully made up.

You are?

Oh, well, you know, maybe when you do your hair.

Okay, I'm a little behind on my hair.

My boobs were a bigger project than I thought.

And I like what I'm wearing, and I don't have time to change

'cause he's already 20 minutes late.

Twenty minutes late.

Yeah, that's a no-show.

You've just got stood up.

You got stood up something awful.

I did not get stood up. I've never been stood up.

In fact, I wouldn't even know if I was being stood up

because that's how little I know about being stood up.

Am I being stood up?

No, you are not. Guys are always late.

I once waited three days for a guy.

But he showed up with a ransom money

and you don't see me living in a fridge anymore.

Okay, fine.

Nobody got stood up.

So, I'll just sit here and text while we wait,

you know... forever.

And then, finally, when it dawns on you,

we can call our friend Oleg and he can go put a hit on him.

You know what, maybe he thought we were meeting there.

I'm calling the restaurant to see-- Yes. Hi.

Has a Marc Faison checked in yet?

He has not.

What about now?

It's just that he was supposed to--

Well, I'm busy, too.

Don't be so snooty, you used to be a Hot Dog on a Stick.

Just a heads-up, if he doesn't show,

I'm still getting naked.

-(CELL PHONE CHIMES) -Oh, there he is.

No, it's from Amazon.

Someone's sending me a copy

of He's Just Not That Into You.

Yeah, I'm here for you, girl.

Well, I got stood up.

Remember where you are, Max.

This was the day Caroline Channing got stood up.

Well, screw him for standing you up!

And from now on, never trust a guy

who surfs anything besides porn.

Oh, look.

Harlow & Daughters has a real old tiny general store

kind of vibe.

I guess they take "Throwback Thursday"

really seriously here.

I mean it's 1840.

Yeah, I wanted to take you back to a time

before you were stood up.

Thank you for making me take the reservation, Max.

I mean, otherwise, I was just gonna get in bed and be depressed.

You were in bed and you were depressed.

Don't rewrite history just 'cause these folks have.

I mean we are smack in the belly

of Williamsburg ironic chic, and I want to smack it.

Look, they even have a country clothesline

hung with baby clothes.

We should get this for Han.

I mean, that is the most pretentious thing

I've ever seen.

Hi. Welcome to Harlow & Daughters.

I'm the host, Brian Brian.

No, that is.

Yes, hi, Brian Brian.

We have a reservation. Faison, party of two.

Is your whole party here?

Well, I don't know how whole

I can ever hope to be as I am illegitimate.

Yes, we're both here and thank you.

So, both you and Mr. Faison are here?

Yes, I'm transitioning. Ask around.

You can have a drink

and I'll call you when your table is ready.

Thank you, thank you, Brian Brian.

I'll be right over.

Go use your new boobs to get us a seat at the bar.

Hi.

I know what wait-by-the-bar means.

I've been working in restaurants

since your clothes were in style.

-It means I'll seat you when-- -Brian, Brian.

Bri-Bri, BB, come on.

You and I both know there's no guy coming.

My friend got stood up.

So, please don't make things worse.

Just take out your cool little hunting knife

and cut us some slack.

This is where I tip you with cash or offer you sex,

but I'm kind of broke and you're kind of gay,

so just be nice.

We don't really need to bring my sexuality into it.

I understand.

It's hard to be out a 100 years ago.

Oh, funny.

Right this way, Mr. Faison.

Oh, that was quick. They're so nice here.

Yeah, just regular folks,

sitting around designer pickle barrels.

All right, here's your table.

-Have a seat. -Sure where?

On these Amish birthing stools we're all calling chairs?

Stick to the gay jokes.

Our Wi-Fi password is on the ox hide.

Your waitress will be right over.

Max, a waitress will be right over and it won't be us.

Look, dirty sawdust floors.

If we got a bag of wood chips,

our apartment could be the new "it" place.

Hello, my name is York.

Hard to believe, but a man named Brian Brian

has been dethroned.

York, that's fun. York as in "New".

York as in York. Just York.

So, what's this bit?

Okay, well, um, York, we'd like to start with some drinks.

Having a girl's night out.

All the single ladies put your hands up.

Yeah, you can't force it.

Our special libation this evening

is the Smallpox.

It's absinthe, cloves, orange bitters,

hand-muddled in a mason jar.

Was that drink directed by Wes Anderson?

Can we just get two of your ye olde cheapest beers

as soon as possible because, Dr. Quinn,

I need some medicine, woman.

York, does the special soup have any garlic?

Oh, my God! No way.

What, is someone making soap?

No.

No garlic, you still think the surfer is coming.

Well, he might.

See, I was supposed to have a date with this guy--

You don't care. So, the soup....

Actually, I'm just taking drink orders right now.

Wow, who loved you?

I'm guessing she never went to a father-daughter dance

with her mom's weed dealer.

You don't know, Max.

Maybe he lost his phone and didn't have my number,

so he's on his way running here.

Oh, you think he's just gonna rush in soaking wet

and be like, "I'm so sorry, the traffic was terrible.

The waves were bumper to bumper."

This is not a Katherine Heigl movie.

Sorry. "Movie".

Fine, he's not coming.

And I'm not getting into the Katie Heigl thing,

not here, not now.

Let's just enjoy our acorns.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Ooh, blocked number. Maybe it's him. Hello.

Hang up, he's not coming.

Our drinks are right there.

I can see them over yonder on "Ye Olde Bar".

It's been an hour.

Where is our waitress, Lizzie Borden?

Probably in the back deciding which words

to pronounce weirdly.

I'm starving. Pass out those chicken cutlets.

No wonder they don't have any bad Yelp reviews,

no one's ever tasted their food.

Hi.

Our drinks, and did you ask the chef about the soup?

You know, I haven't had a minute.

She hasn't had a minute?

What she's been doing, dancing with wolves?

-I mean, have you ever? -I know. Can you even?

Byron and I have been here forever,

and have yet to see our dandelion chickpea foie gras.

-He's hypoglycemic and I'm Lila. -And I'm pissed.

I'm getting our drinks.

-Would you get us some wine? -Oh, sure, what kind?

A chardonnay for me and Byron will have a sauvignon blanc.

Max, no, they'll kick us out and--

And what? What, Caroline?

You won't be here when he arrives?

Dear Lord, the man is not coming!

I know that, Max, and he's not coming because he died.

He died, that's the only reason I can accept.

What's up? How we all doing tonight?

Not so good. My girlfriend just broke up with me.

Oh, yeah? You like blondes?

'Cause I got one who's ready to pop.

No, man, I'm into Asian chicks.

Yeah, who isn't?

Except for Asian guys.

Hey, do me a favor, just wait a minute,

and then come over to my table and flirt with my friend.

Why would I do that?

On the house.

Is that the dandelion chickpea and other things

that don't belong in a dish together thing?

All right, your dandelion chickpea,

a chardonnay, and a sauvignon blanc.

Enjoy.

What do you think you're doing?

Waiting on tables. Look into it.

York, York, don't be mad.

Byron was starving and we're thirsty.

Don't kick us out, we're too weak to go anywhere else.

The soup has garlic.

Oh, then no. The salmon, please.

Bring her the damn soup,

she ain't kissing nobody tonight.

And I'll have the free-range chicken

that thought it had a chance.

For your help.

Byron wants you to have it.

Well, Byron is the only real old-fashioned thing in here.

I hope you both survive the winter.

Hey, can I join you?

Ooh, I think that "Can I join you?" was to you.

Oh, sure, have a seat.

You're pretty. You have a good body.

Wow, thank you.

That's actually kind of nice to hear,

because this is hard to believe, but I got stood up tonight,

and it kind of makes me feel good when you say I'm pretty

-and I have a good body. -(NOTIFICATION DINGS)

-What are you doing? -Oh, I'm on Tinder.

It's the straight Grindr. I just got a hit.

Well, I'm out. Thanks for the drink.

You paid a guy to say I'm pretty?

And then he blew me off?

Oh, my God. I just realized something upsetting.

What, that we could be enjoying delicious hot dogs

on sticks right now?

No, I'm a B.

No, you're an A.

That bra just makes you look like a B.

No, I mean me, as a woman.

I'm a B.

You know, all this time, I kind of thought I was an A,

but maybe I'm just a B.

That's why he walked away and why the surfer stood me up.

Caroline, I really want to be here for you right now,

but I gotta get a gin fizz to the prospector in the corner.

Max, am I a B? Why didn't he come?

All I know about that surfer is that he is a D

followed by three other letters.

I'd spell it out for you,

but I'm literally afraid I'd get it wrong.

Interesting that you didn't say I wasn't a B.

Look, I don't give myself letters in life.

To me, it is clearly a pass/fail situation.

And you're sitting up,

not drooling on yourself, so pass.

Well, well, well, where have you ladies been all night?

I don't know, I'd say somewhere between 1846 and 1860.

And it is so great to be back in 1974.

Well, Han, you did a good job of making this place exclusive.

There is literally nobody here.

It wasn't my doing, there was a possum in the men's room.

Correction, there is a possum in the men's room.

Oh, the ingredients are escaping the kitchen again?

Well, I gotta go to the men's room and pull out the possum.

Oh, is that what you do when we're not here?

All right, let's sit down

in that authentically run-down old booth and eat something.

Yeah, see, those stains aren't fake, that's real blood.

I was right here when that guy got stabbed.

Like I said at the time, "Call me honey one more time,

and I will stab you."

You know what I just realized?

Even if I am a B, at least I'm an authentic B.

I don't pretend to be something I'm not.

You do kind of pretend to be something you're not...

A "B".

Finally, I have some customers.

You know, I've been sitting in the back watching Oleg

shuck his corn all night?

Thank you.

Now, Luis knows how to give service.

Come on, chica, don't set me up like that, it's too easy.

Max, I think I'm gonna let go of letter-grading myself

and adopt your pass/fail system.

And sitting with you right here is so not a fail.

-Oh, it's just Oleg and Sophie. -Oh, my God!

You looked 'cause you thought it was gonna be the surfer.

Epic fail!

Hey, what are you two doing together?

Oh, Sophie and I had some business to take care of.

-Right, Sophie? -Oh, yeah.

Caroline, we got your back.

That Mike won't be out there surfing again for quite a while.

The surfer's name isn't Mike. It's Marc.

No wonder he kept screaming, "My name is not Marc!"

Well, I'll tell you one thing,

we may have seen a lot of fake things tonight,

but that's a for-real possum.

Wow, Han's possum is bigger than I thought it would be.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)