Original subtitles

Hi, how can I help you?

And by that I mean, "What's the least I can do to help you?"

I'll have the burger with the fries.

She'll have it with the salad.

But I want the fries.

Well, you want them, but you don't need them.

Fine. The salad.

I have to pee.

-Hi, what's your name? -David.

David, you should go.

I'm sorry?

You want her to have salad,

she wants you to have hair.

Neither one's gonna happen tonight.

Yeah, it's not gonna work out between you and French fries.

Oh, maybe it will for a week or a year.

Depends if she was molested as a kid.

But one of these days, she's coming after you.

Probably in the dark. Probably with a knife.

And she's gonna cut off one or both of your balls.

And you won't think a side of fries matters

when you have zero balls.

She'll have the fries.

Yes, she will.

Good for us. We saved another woman's dignity

and another man's balls.

Yeah, we're like Dr. Phil but more qualified.

♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

Well, here I am, the owner, waiting on tables.

Does Barack Obama unclog the White House toilets?

What's wrong with this picture?

Well, off the top of my head,

I ordered a coffee ten minutes ago

and you still haven't gotten it.

Hey, man, I'm in the weeds here.

Well, if you've got weed, cancel the coffee.

Uh, ladies, you're late.

And Little Man Tate over there is in a mood.

Why, is he teething again?

Uh, hello?

You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago.

In Korea, your heads would be on sticks

outside the Samsung factory

and you would still have to work.

There is no coffee prepped for your shift.

FYI, tiny dancer...

...prepping coffee is that lazy-ass day waiter's job.

So don't blame us.

It's not our fault you hired an incompetent wait staff.

Hurry up. You two need to make coffee.

And you need to hire a new day waiter.

And maybe while you're getting new things around here,

how about a brand-new coffeemaker?

One that isn't from an Edward Hopper painting.

Am I the only one who's been to a museum?

Uh, excuse me.

I've been to the art section of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

What if I told you I already got you what you want?

A high-end cappuccino machine?

Listen, blonde ambition,

I know you only want me to get one

so you can use it at your cupcake window.

How dare you?

Unless you're comfortable with that.

No, I meant the new day waiter.

He's in the kitchen. Go train the new guy.

What happened to the guy we told you to fire?

We loved him.

Okay, we'll go train the new guy now.

But about that coffeemaker,

what if go halfsies with you?

We can't afford to go halfsies.

We can't even go quarter-sies

or eight-sies or whatever's after eight-sies.

Sixteenth-sies.

Shoot yourselves.

(SPRAY HISSING)

Did he say train the new guy or new gay?

Hi, you must be the new day waiter.

Ah, you must be the late girls who are supposed to train me.

Yes, I'm Luis.

Did he say Luis or Louise?

I'll be out in a minute.

I have to let this cream dry on my face.

Oh, I always wait for the cream to dry.

It's the polite thing to do.

I'm Max.

Oh, Max is funny.

Look at her.

Oh, funny to mask the pain.

I see you.

Oh, and you're both pretty.

Look at blondie.

What have you had done?

Oh, me? Nothing, but thank you.

I'm Caroline.

Well, nice to meet you, but we won't be friends.

I don't get attached.

I'm a lifer, I've been a waiter, 27 years.

I've been a waiter 27 years too,

and I'm only 26.

And I don't get personal, so don't ask me how old I am.

I am 53.

Well, my face is five.

You look amazing.

I've only been waiting tables two years.

My main focus is our cupcake business.

We just opened a walk-up window--

Honey, honey, I don't need to know your life.

You don't need to know mine.

Did my father put a gun in his mouth

at my seventh birthday party?

Yes, but I don't bring that to work.

And I'm in love with you.

Don't do that.

Don't fall in love with me.

You know those gays that don't like women?

I'm one of them.

♪ (CELL PHONE PLAYS UP-TEMPO RINGTONE) ♪

Is that the theme song from Sex and the City?

You know it is.

I'm a "Charlotte".

So am I!

There's not a lot of us.

I'm all the dead girls from American Horror Story.

Well, let's get this train on the tracks.

Follow me, "Charlotte".

I'm not giving up on our cappuccino machine.

I'm gonna work Han hard until he gives it to me.

And yes, I just heard how that sounded.

Okay, Luis, here's how the tables work.

We got the four-tops. We got the two-tops.

-Are you a top? -Oh, please.

No one is pushing this 25,000 dollar face into a pillow.

Uh, I'm ready to order.

Luis, why don't you take that table?

It's part of your training, and I don't want to.

Earl, that's the new day waiter.

He's also the new gay waiter.

Oh, I love the gays.

They turned an old crack house

in my neighborhood into a cheese shop.

I heard that cheese shop has really good crack.

What's the soup of the day?

What does it say on the board?

And you're trained.

Max, Han said no,

and we need that cappuccino maker for our shop

if we're ever gonna compete with the Starbucks around the corner.

Or the other corner. Or the other corner.

Or the one that's currently being built in my ass.

What? It's prime real estate.

Everything else in Williamsburg is taken.

Caroline, you need a cappuccino machine?

I can get you one cheap.

I know a guy.

And if you need clean urine

or a micro pig, I also know that guy.

Oh, my God. Who was that?

Oh, that's... That's Oleg. He's the cook.

He is gorgeous.

I'm so excited.

Our new machine will be here any minute.

Our lives are about to get a lot more cappuccino-y.

Or should I say a latte more cappuccino-y?

No, you should not say any of that.

And as for that "special price" Oleg said he'd give us,

in all my three-ways, I'm up to bat first, and I don't kiss.

(GROANS) During the day, it is "Hot In Herre."

Thanks for the weather report, Ursher.

Here it is.

Shut the windows and shut up.

Well, this is starting exactly like I imagined.

-Shut it! -Oleg, where did you get this?

Shut up!

-Are those sirens? -Shut up!

Does it come with instructions?

The instructions are to shut up.

We don't want it if it's stolen.

I still feel guilty about shaking down that Redbox

for, I Don't Know How She Does It.

I did not steal it.

I knowingly bought it from a man who stole it

and I'm selling it at a profit.

It's the Armenian way.

You're not Armenian.

I know, I'm just saying, it's the Armenian way.

It retails for $600,

but I'll give it to you for free if you do me a favor.

Free?

Ok, I guess Max can do you in that closet over there.

What? Now that I see it, I have to have it.

All right, I've been saving this pill for something.

Talk to Sophie. See if she wants to get back together.

But don't tell her I'm interested.

Do it discreetly.

Deal. And, Oleg, I'm touched and a little surprised.

I didn't know you knew the word "discreetly".

Oh, yeah. I have a word-a-day calendar near my bed

next to my big pump jar of pineapple lube.

For when you're horny and hungry.

Max, why'd you take it?

You don't have to have sex with him.

I know, I'm celebrating.

Hey, I can't find any of the instructions on here

for our coffeemaker.

In fairness, I haven't been looking.

I got sidetracked by this Buzzfeed list of misspelled tattoos.

This girl got, "You go grill" on her neck.

She must really like to cook outside.

Did you put yourself in a time-out?

No, I'm looking for Sophie. She's not upstairs.

Look, this is a long way to go to get something for free.

I was happy to walk into Sears

and stuff a cappuccino machine down my pants.

I'm not doing it for the free cappuccino machine.

I'm doing it for the money we'll make from the free cappuccino machine.

And maybe to help Oleg and Sophie get back together.

You know, it's a page out of Shakespeare, and I'm Puck.

Puck from The Real World?

Am I the only one who's read a book?

-(FAINT THUDDING) -(GASPS) Oh, here she is.

I'll do the talking. It's kind of in my wheelhouse.

You have a wheelhouse, and we're living in this dump?

-Morning, Sophie. -Oh!

(POLISH ACCENT) You caught me.

I'm doing the walk of shame.

You know what that means, right?

I was having sex all night with a stranger.

I had sex with a guy all night once.

At least that's what he said. I fell asleep at 10:00.

Sophie, come in.

We wanted to ask you something kind of important.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'll tell you.

I don't think you're gonna make it in the cupcake business.

Not what the psychic in the subway told me, but duly noted.

Actually, it's more of a personal question.

Oh, okay. Well, I personally

don't think you're gonna make it in the cupcake business.

-No, the question is about Oleg. -Oh, yeah, he agrees with me.

God's sakes, just tell her before she tells us

we're gonna wind up in some disgusting apartment

hiding from our pimp.

Okay, Okay, Sophie.

Do you ever think about getting back together with Oleg?

Oh, God, no.

I'd rather accidently have sex again with my cousin.

I hate when that happens.

Why, did--

Did he ask about me?

Oh, no, no. I was just wondering.

He never even mentions you.

Oh, good. 'Cause I moved on, baby.

Oh, no. No, I--

I left my Spanx on that Staten Island stoop.

And they're the good ones,

you know, with the pee hole in them.

I gotta go grab 'em. All right. Bye-bye.

Okay, good. Now we've got the power on,

but how do we steam the milk?

Maybe it's on this touchpad thing.

-(STEAM HISSING) -(SCREAMS) Holy Mother of God!

I just steamed my vagina.

Max, Caroline, your shift started three minutes ago.

Who cares about sidework? I probably can't have children.

What is wrong with her?

She just had her carpet steam-cleaned.

You two still haven't figured out this machine?

Move away. I'm Asian and a man.

I'm good with this kind of stuff.

Well, Han, actually, it's pretty dangerous--

Hey, Han's a man, according to recent lore.

Let him save the day.

Okay, let's see.

Here's the steam one. And here's the button for--

-(STEAM HISSING) -(SCREAMS)

My neck! It burned my neck!

And that was my best feature.

Luckily you're not taller.

You would've burned your vagina.

That cappuccino machine

might have just given me a grande hysterectomy.

Caroline, I know this might not be a good time.

I heard about your recent clambake.

But what did Sophie say?

I'm sorry, Oleg. Sophie's moved on.

She's seeing other men.

Yeah, but not in your neighborhood.

She's classy.

She had the decency to do it on a stoop in Staten Island.

She went to the Island without me?

We were going to travel the world together.

Oleg?

Oleg, are you crying?

No, I have a booger situation.

Says the man who cooks the food.

Hey, what's this area back there?

Uh, it's our closet, why?

I should check it out.

I'm always looking for places to have sex with women who are not Sophie.

(SOBBING)

Is Oleg in here? I thought I smelled him.

That delicious mix of man and butter.

Oleg's in the closet.

Oh, honey, I could've told you that.

Really, Luis, Oleg is straight.

Wait 'til you see what happens

when I place an order for a bone-in rib eye.

It's true. He shows us his penis every--

Ah-ah-ah, boundaries, girls, boundaries.

So is it a nice one?

Well, it did open a door for me once.

Hey Luis, maybe you can help us.

Since you're a lifer, you have to know how to

-work this thing. -No, no, no, I work for a diner.

I don't work for you. Don't bring me into your drama.

♪ (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) ♪

Oh, I have to get this. It's my mother. She's on death watch.

But we used to have the same machine when I worked at Starbucks.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

No, I am not working at Starbucks.

That's not what I was gonna say.

Just for two hours.

We can quit after we learn how to work this damn machine.

Hey, I am not a quitter.

I get fired. That's my wheelhouse.

I can't believe we got hired so quickly.

And I can't believe I'm a medium apron.

And I can't believe I'm working for a corporate coffee place.

This might be the lowest point of my life,

and my mom once lost me in a craps game behind a casino.

Hi, we're here to be trained.

I know. That's unfortunate.

-My name's Devon. -Well, that's unfortunate.

Let's get this over with.

I have a lot of other places I need to be.

Like your mom's basement?

Hey, you don't have to give me attitude.

I don't have to, but it's my pleasure.

Sorry, Devon, It's just that it's hard for her

'cause your name is Devon.

So what are you girls? Writers?

Folk duo? Just bitches?

Nailed it, loser.

Max, pace yourself.

We need this job for another hour and 50 minutes.

Okay, but for real, how long do you gotta work here

before the health insurance kicks in?

And is there dental?

'Cause I got a dead tooth doing nothing for me.

The insurance kicks in after 30 days.

But it's a PPO, not an HMO.

Oh, we just got an HMO at our other job.

He's a Charlotte.

Okay, here we go.

Look, this is the machine we use for everything.

It's incredibly easy to work unless you're stupid,

in which case, tell me now.

Devon, we're not your mean stepdad.

Just show us how to use the machine.

Listen up. Unlatch the portafilter from the group head.

Press here for an ounce of grounds.

Tamp it in, pack it down, turn it on.

I didn't get that, did you?

Honestly, all I heard was "group head".

So you tamp, pack, turn the knob,

wait three, blast for 30, then you pour the shot.

Place the steam wand halfway in the pitcher

at a 45-degree angle until the milk is 103 degrees.

So what you're saying is it's easier to make meth?

Syrups, powders, whipped cream is right here.

You ever work with one of these?

I think I can handle it. I went to Wharton.

-Well, I went to Harvard. -And I went to juvie.

And we're all here wearing an apron.

A grande double cap, non-fat.

Grande double cap, non-fat.

(MEOWING NONSENSICALLY)

A venti triple cap, no whip.

Venti triple cap, no whip.

(CONTINUES MEOWING)

Grande double soy latte.

Grande double soy latte. Got it, Max?

Nope.

-Where's those drinks, Max? -Working on it, getting close.

And I finished all over myself.

That's so me.

Come on, Max, it can't be that hard.

You two, switch. I gotta put out more napkins.

That women's breakup support group is here,

and they tap us out.

Think they're crying now?

Just wait 'til we run out of cake pops.

I'll have a tall cap, triple-shot half caf.

Small scrap nipple slap half-half.

That's not what I said.

Tall cap triple-shot half caf?

Girl, you're good at this. You should work at Starbucks.

I am good. I think I'm getting the hang of this.

-Now I just have to-- (SCREAMS) -(STEAM HISSING)

Holy Mother of... Ouch!

This thing hates women so much, we should call it Texas.

Or Ohio.

Or, to be honest, most of America.

I'll have a tall drip, extra hot.

-Uh, what's your name? -Gregg, with three "g"'s.

Yeah, you're gonna be this picture of a penis.

That's rude.

Now it has a hat on it.

It's saying, "good day."

Do you want me to talk to your manager?

Yeah, in about 20 minutes, after she learns this machine.

Hi.

I'll take a non-fat venti drip for Vera.

And a tall latte for Fran.

And a gingerbread latte with 11 Splendas.

Can you two explain what this is?

-I'd say it's pretty obvious. -That's a penis wearing a hat.

Why?

Because it's bald and a little insecure.

-Dudes, you're, like, fired. -Come on, Devon.

We just need 20 more minutes to learn that machine.

-Please? -No.

Return your aprons and caps.

And do not even think about putting sandwiches in your pockets.

What?

A girl can't get a morning bun?

No and no.

And take this crappuccino you made with you.

Oh, yeah, that is not quite right.

And it hit my dead tooth.

-How you doing with that milk? -Great.

Mine's more whipped than Nick Cannon.

Hola, chicas. How's it going with your new machine?

Not that I care or am invested at all.

Oh, I think mine's coming. I think mine's coming.

You don't even know if you're coming or not?

That's so you.

Have you seen Oleg?

No, not since he came out of the closet.

-Why are you looking for him? -How is this your business?

Because you said, "Have you seen Oleg?"

You got me. Look at you.

So much spice, so much pain.

You got me.

Hey, everybody.

Hola, Oleg, and Oleg's sister?

This is Sasha. We met last night.

And a few times this morning.

-But do me a favor. -Don't tell Sophie about this?

No, do tell her. I've moved on.

I filled that hole she left.

Come on, let's get you back to your uncle's house

before he wakes up.

Oh, it happens to a lot of gays.

They come out, they freak out, they go back in.

But I see him.

And I'll be here until he sees me.

♪ (CELL PHONE RINGTONE PLAYS) ♪

Hola, mami.

Uh-oh. Charlotte's headed for a fall.

I did it. I made a perfect cappuccino.

Seventy-five percent of my body is burned, but I did it.

So how is it?

We are so putting the small scrap

nipple slap half-half on the menu.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)