Original subtitles

Whoever tipped me in monopoly money can go directly to jail.

A dollar?

Fake money and they're still under-tipping.

Oh, look. I love it when people dress Guinea pigs up in adorable costumes.

Han, you look like babe Ruth. Well, baby Ruth.

Maybe you two can kiss my sweet ass because this outfit's a home run.

I'm putting a team together for the restaurant league.

Well, han, I would play, but, you know, I got this hip thing.

Meaning, I'm too hip.

What about you two? I'm telling you, I'm a great ball player.

No, I'm a great ball player.

I know how to cup and tickle mine at the same time.

I'm talking about America's favorite pastime.

Oh, so am I.

Well, I'm in. I have a really good arm.

Go over there, han. Let's have a little catch.

All right, here we go. All right.

Go deep. Go deeper, han.

A phrase no other woman will ever say to him.

Throw it, and don't be afraid to bring the heat.

Too much heat.

Ball one and two. Game over.

I seem to have forgotten a crucial part of my uniform.

Need a cup, han?

You ladies can wait in here.

Brian, before my father comes in, how are his spirits?

You know, for someone who's looking at 60 to 100 years in prison.

Pretty good. I'll bring him right in.

- Hey, bri, anyone get killed today? - You ask me that every time, Max.

And every time I tell you, it's a white-collar prison.

Got it. Anyone get shanked with a montblanc pen?

Yo, b, one more thing.

On lockup: Raw they spray guards with a mixture of urine and feces...

Max, please. Can we go one day without you mentioning that?

I wonder why my dad wanted us to rush out here and see him today.

- He probably wants a conjugal visit. - Max.

Relax. With me.

There they are. The light of my life and her bouncer.

- Hi, daddy. - Hey.

- Max. - Oh, we starting this? No foreplay?

Martin: Oh.

Listen, I'm sorry to make you come all the way out here...

on the, god help me, subway, but I actually needed a favor.

[Whispers] Help me break out.

[In normal voice] I'm kidding.

Daddy, it's so amazing you can joke, but maybe not around Max.

She's already offered to skin a guard alive and walk you out of here wearing him.

Well, we know it works.

All right, listen. This woman who used to work for me is being paid $1 million...

to write a tell-all book about me.

A million dollars? How much can I get for a tell-all book about Caroline?

Chapter one: Sleep farts.

Max, please, can we go one day without you mentioning that?

The woman's name is Sandra rosenthal. Caroline, do you remember her?

Yes, the one who lied on her résumé, the one who couldn't even add.

And worse than that, she wore brown with black together.

- I like brown and black together. - I know.

Wait, why would anybody pay that woman so much?

- What is she saying she has? - She's claiming she was fired...

because she had insider information about the Ponzi scandal.

And that we were sleeping together, which we weren't.

Of course you weren't.

You would never sleep with someone who wore brown with black together.

Man, I haven't seen this much hatred toward brown and black since the '50s.

I wanted you to hear it from me first.

She's about to go on piers Morgan live and she can say whatever she wants.

No, she can't because I'll be there to refute her lies.

I'll defend you with dignity and class...

and my new lipstick i just found on the subway.

Wow, piers Morgan. That dude's legit.

He's got his show, he's got piers one imports.

I don't know what I'd without you, Princess.

You're the only person I can trust.

Now, get out of here because I gotta speak to Max privately for a second.

- Oh. Sure. Okay, i... - Just go.

Daddy wants to talk to me privately.

- Love you, sweetie. - Love you, daddy.

Brian, I'll just be right outside.

[Inaudible dialogue]

- So, Max... - You know I'm all talk, right?

I need you to tell Caroline something i couldn't bring myself to say.

This woman is also claiming i have a small penis.

Wait. So I stayed behind to see it?

No.

I want you to tell Caroline so she'll be prepared...

because I'm pretty sure that's the lie that got the book sold.

How big of a lie?

Oh, a really big one.

So, what did you and my father talk about?

I don't wanna tell you, I'm uncomfortable.

You're uncomfortable?

This must be bad. You've never been uncomfortable in your life.

Is it drugs? Cancer?

Did he fall in love in prison? I'll be fine with it, you can tell me.

When we had money, i was very active...

in the park Avenue straights for gay doormen alliance.

[Men whooping]

Is this some kind of weird gang or did a game just let out?

Max, come on, tell me.

Fine. The woman's gonna say your father has a small...

[horn tooting]

Sir, your vuvuzela is very loud and very 2010.

My father has a what?

He has a small...

[horn tooting]

Seriously, the game's over.

And how on earth you have a wedding ring is beyond me.

What is she gonna say about him?

[Horns tooting]

I can't hear you!

She's going to say, "your father has a small penis!"

He thought it'd be less awkward if I told you. Was it?

I can't believe that Sandra rosenthal woman. There's another lie.

- Why, have you seen it? - No, I haven't seen it.

I never wanna see it. Have you seen your father's penis?

If I did, it was waving goodbye.

Max, I've thought a lot about it and I can't sit there...

while that woman waves my father's penis in piers Morgan's face.

You're lucky it's not Anderson Cooper because he'd be giggling up a storm.

I have a plan. My goal on this show is gonna be to discredit that woman...

and tell people, even though my father did a bad thing...

he did some wonderful things as well. Look, here he is working with unicef.

Here he is rebuilding Haiti.

Aw. This is a cute picture of him water-skiing...

at a charity event on lake Tahoe.

What's the charity, white men without golf clubs?

That's my plan. Hopefully, going on that show will put an end...

to all these ridiculous rumors about my father.

Hey, Caroline.

Yeah. The word on the street is your dad's got a wee-nis.

- Sophie, how did you hear about that? - Oleg told me.

It came up on my Google penis alerts.

I like to keep current, see what the trends are.

You don't wanna be that middle-aged guy...

wearing the same penis you had in high school.

Great. Now it's all over the Internet and my shoulders are all up around my ears.

Look, I'm too tense to even shake my head no at that liar woman...

which was gonna be my key move.

I need a massage but I'm broke.

Caroline, I'll give you a massage.

Get ready for a sad ending.

And beginning and middle.

There. Oh, yeah.

How does that feel?

Like baby spiders are dancing on my shoulders.

You're the first Asian I've seen that can't give a massage.

Hey, Caroline, I'll treat you and Max to a massage at my fancy spa.

Cool, I've never been to a spa.

The closest I've been is sticking my arm...

in the free blood-pressure machine at walgreens.

Wait, that's for your arm?

Thanks for the massage. It was very nice...

Oh, you're still doing it. I had no idea.

That was amazing.

I mean, a guy rubbed me for an hour and didn't expect anything back?

This massage stuff could catch on.

I could not let go during my massage.

Oh, was letting go an option?

I was close, but I didn't wanna get halfway there...

and have the management throw me out.

I'm just so tense. Piers Morgan asks some difficult questions.

Last week, he asked the spring breakers cast...

their thoughts on the north Korea situation.

- Shh! - Sorry.

Max, this is a quiet room. We have to be quiet.

Hi, girls!

I'm getting myself some fancy water.

Look, they've got lemon, orange, and cucumber.

- Ha. It's like a slot machine over here. - Shh!

I just had the best bamboo massage.

Oh, they kept whacking me with it...

until I confessed to stealing that bread when I was 7.

Oh, what a load off.

Caroline, you still look a little tense.

But I guess having to talk about your father's junk on national television...

will do that to a girl.

I will not be speaking about my father's junk on television.

No, I can't have lunch tomorrow. I'm doing piers Morgan live.

Caroline: You won't believe what just happened.

You joined a demonic cult?

Sandra, the liar writing the tell-all book, just walked in.

[Max gasps]

She's getting a day of beauty too?

This is like the gayest training for a fight ever.

Sandra?

Right this way.

Lay face down. I'll give you a few minutes and I'll be right back in.

Perfect. I really need this massage. Promoting my new book is exhausting.

I'm sorry if that sounded braggy.

I guess that's how you sound when things are going so great for you.

Poor masseuse is gonna be forced...

to listen to her yammer on about her dumb book.

Then again, mine had to hear me constantly say:

"Don't be afraid of the boobs."

We should be hearing about that dumb book so I know what I'm up against.

If there was only a way to get in that room.

Oh. Anyone can get into any room if they really want to.

I mean, do you think that I was invited to the audition for the 2004 boat show?

Yeah. Go. I'll take care of that masseuse.

Sophie, you're not gonna hurt her, right?

No. I'm gonna try tipping her first.

I'm back.

Yes, I was just out in the hall with you and now here I am in the room with you.

The same person.

Just keep your head down, don't look up and relax.

- You're not gonna talk a lot, are you? - No, but you should feel free to.

Whatever's on your mind, or in that book.

[Chimes ringing]

Sandra: What...? What was that? - That?

That's just me, alone...

creating a healing space with energy and sound.

[Chimes ringing]

Lots of sound.

So you're writing a big book.

Do you wanna tell me all about that?

Sandra: Well, it's about this guy Martin Channing.

Oh, he is very nice and very respectable.

You won't think that after you read my book. I am really gonna stick it to him.

Okay, now you're just pushing me. Oh!

Uh... how did you...?

I....

How...? How did you do that? It feels like you have three hands.

That's how good I am.

Sandra: This is supposed to be a hot-stone massage.

Coming right up.

[Chimes ringing]

The hot stones.

[Chimes ringing]

All right, here come the hot stones.

Sandra: Oh!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's nice. I'm really loosening up.

Oh, well, then let's loosen you up some more. More stones.

[Mouths] No.

More stones.

Sandra: Yeah, I got paid a lot of money for my tell-all book...

and I am really gonna tell all. Oh!

Not there. Not there.

What...? What is going on in here?

What is happening here, Sandra, is you're about to go on national TV...

and tell America lies about my father. He never slept with you.

Oh, did he never sleep with me in your bedroom, on your pink canopy bed?

You know what? That never happened. That's insane. You're crazy.

It's my word against yours.

You're gonna be very embarrassed on TV.

But not as embarrassed as you're gonna be in the spa lobby...

when I tell everyone that I was touched inappropriately by Caroline Channing.

You are not gonna tell anybody that.

Who's gonna stop me?

Hey, girls, i was listening outside the door.

Everything okay?

Max, I don't know if I can do this. What if Sandra's telling the truth?

She did know about my pink canopy bed. How would she know that?

Because everyone knows Barbie comes with a dream car, a pony...

and a pink canopy bed included.

There he is. There's piers Morgan. Live.

Do you think it's too soon to ask him to give me a discount at piers one?

He looks dignified, like he's not gonna ask about a penis.

But what if he does? Max, I can't do this.

Give me your phone.

You need to remind yourself of the person your father used to be.

Look, here he is working with unicef.

And here he is water-skiing on lake rich person.

Look at that smile. Is that the smile of...?

Hold up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's coming out of the left leg of his swim shorts?

I think your father's junk is trying to tell me...

there's gonna be six more weeks of winter.

What are you saying?

I'm saying someone had a tip slip and that is not a small tip.

And as a waitress and a loose woman, i know a small tip when I see one.

- Here. - Oh!

Sorry. Sorry. She just showed me a picture of Anne hathaway's new haircut.

Well, this is good because it proves that woman is lying.

Yep. We just have to show this to piers.

I told you I'm not going near my father's penis.

All I have to do is point out that that woman has no finance skills.

Unlike her, we are taking the high road.

Max, are you sending that to yourself?

I'm here with Sandra rosenthal who just signed a huge book deal...

to do a kiss-and-tell on disgraced financier, Martin Channing.

- Welcome to you, Sandra. - Hello, piers.

Thank you for allowing me to tell my story.

It's a story, all right.

Wow, so we're right into it. Okay, let me catch up.

My other guest is Caroline Channing, daughter of Martin Channing...

who, to put it mildly, is claiming your book...

- Ms. rosenthal, is a bunch of bull. - That's right, piers.

[In British accent] "It's pure rubbish"...

[In normal voice] As your people say.

That was perfectly American.

Let me start with you. To catch everybody up...

Ms. rosenthal's large book advance has to do with something...

that turned out to be, by your words, very small. Comments, Ms. Channing?

Max: Psst!

Psst!

I'd rather not comment about that, piers, because I have class.

But I have a question for Ms. rosenthal...

who was hired by my father because she claimed she had a degree in finance.

Ms. rosenthal, if a train carrying 27 passengers...

leaves grand central station at 9 A.M., travels 800 miles to Chicago...

arriving at 5 P.M., how fast was it traveling?

Well, i...

Simple math, piers.

- A hundred miles an hour. - I'm sorry?

That's your answer. Sorry, I'm a bit of a mathlete.

Impressive.

I've got a math equation for you.

If a 3-inch train is entering a tunnel, do I even know it's there?

Ladies, this isn't Maury povich.

- Psst! - I'm simply trying to illustrate...

that she should've been able to answer it...

had she been qualified for her job in finance.

Everything that I'm writing in the book is true, piers.

There is nothing that I have said that she can prove is untrue.

Wait a minute. Why is there a woman under my desk?

Oh, is there, piers?

Yes, my father defrauded a lot of people, and he's paying for that.

But I'm not gonna sit by silently...

while she exploits him with lies for her own gain.

Piers, there's so much about my father i want you to know. Like he...

What is this?

Well, I know what it is. I've got one.

But whose is it, and why am I looking at it?

It's my father's.

He had a bit of a tip slip.

Madame, I don't know what you're looking for in a man...

but this is far from inadequate.

In fact, it's so far from inadequate that I'm bringing this interview...

to an immediate close. Your book, and you, lack any credibility.

That's it.

"Can you hook me up with a discount at piers one imports?"

They'll probably come to you one day and want a tell-all book.

Remember, we already have chapter one, "sleep farts."

Chapter two, "my new step-mom, Max."

Max, am I gonna have to defend my father forever?

Probably.

- But don't worry, I'll be there to help. - Thank you.

Because it's a wife's job to defend her husband.

It makes me sad to think he's gonna be in prison for the rest of his life.

Don't think of it like that. He's not just in prison.

He's in Africa working with unicef, he's in Haiti...

he's water-skiing on lake rich person...

and he's on the desktop of my computer.

I should delete that.

Where'd I leave my phone?

God, are you looking at the picture of my dad?

We are. Respect.

So very much respect.

Eh, I've seen better.

Every day.

Give me that.

Oh!