Original subtitles

[Oleg moaning]

Oleg: Oh, yeah, baby take it all.

Sophie: Oh, no, you take it, baby.

Oleg: No, baby, you take it all.

Sophie: Oh, no, take it, baby. Oleg: No, baby, you take it.

Dear god, will one of you just take it and get it over with!

Max! There is no way you could be sleeping through Oleg and Sophie.

[Sophie & Oleg moaning]

Does that actually work?

It does. With a little help from this.

Give me.

Whoo! I was hoping that would be fruitier.

I mean, they're here. They're there.

Then they're here again.

It's like we're a village under attack.

Yup, just a matter of time till someone sends in a drone.

And it's not just that moaning. I think i heard a big ball rolling around up there.

If a ball is rolling around up there, Oleg should stop and see a doctor.

Oleg: Give it girl, give it girl, give me. - This couldn't be any more intrusive.

[Caroline shrieks]

Sophie: Uh-oh.

Oleg: Sorry about that.

Caroline: A bowling ball?

And why do they need a bowling ball?

Maybe they ran out of holes.

Have you guys seen a ball?

[Bell rings]

Pick up, Max. And sorry about the hole in your ceiling.

Oleg, I'm not gonna ask you to keep it in your pants anymore...

but could you keep it in your apartment?

- Oh, hey, Sophie. - Hey, Max.

Oh, spring is in the air.

This is the time of year in Poland when the snow would melt...

and all our dead relatives would float back to us.

I've never been to Europe, but it sounds beautiful.

Sophie: Mm.

Max, where is Caroline? And don't tell me she's in the ladies' room.

Because I already peeked under all those stalls. She wasn't there.

But I saw things.

Well, congratulations on finally seeing those things.

She's 20 minutes late, and as the boss, I will not have it.

Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of his crib.

You're late. This is unacceptable.

Don't mind him, he just saw his first vagina and he's furious.

Okay, here's the thing.

I had to take a nap because Oleg and Sophie were having sex all night long.

Not true. We took a break to watch a porno.

Punctuality is the number one rule in my employee handbook...

which I've adorably named "the han-book."

Relax, han. Nobody's gonna die if I'm not here to drop off a tuna melt.

In fact, they're more likely to die if I do drop it off.

Late and with an attitude.

You think you're too good for the diner?

Of course she thinks that.

I think sourdough bread is too good for this diner.

Well, what other career option do you have, Caroline?

Hmm. Let's see. Cupcakes?

No, wait, your shop didn't last six months.

- Don't go there, han. - Oh, I'm already there and now I'm back.

Why so moody, han? Are you man-struating?

Is it that time of the man-th?

That shop was our dream, han. And this is just a dumb diner.

- You're fired. - Ooh! I'm fired?

Max, han just fired me.

- You lucky son of a whore. - Heh.

I'm serious, Caroline. You called my diner dumb.

Well, my diner is still open and successful...

whereas your cupcake shop was so dumb it failed.

Ooh! He did not go there.

I went there and then I came back and then I went there again.

You know what? I don't need this.

Well, actually, you do kind of need this because we broke.

Broke or not, I don't have to stand here and take this. I quit.

Oh, really? You quit?

You must be dumber than my diner because I already fired you.

Han, I know you've had it up to here, but you need to relax.

Can you believe han fired me?

I mean, where does he get off?

Probably in Buffy the vampire slayer chat rooms.

Have you been standing here this whole time?

I didn't even pee. I was afraid I'd miss you. So hold on.

So basically, you had the same day as a puppy?

Caroline: Han is lucky I work there.

I bring class and sophistication to that place.

[Toilet flushes]

There's no toilet paper and I just used the last coffee filter.

You are sophisticating the hell out of that toilet right now.

And you know what?

You can tell han that the only way I am ever going back there is if he apologizes.

Okay, but first he wanted me to tell you this.

The only way you're ever going back there is if you apologize.

Well, an apology from me is not happening.

[Oleg moaning]

Oleg: Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, take it all.

Sophie: Oh, no, you take it, baby.

Oleg: Oh, baby, you take it.

And that is not happening again tonight either.

Again? That could've hit us.

Now, that's unsafe sex.

I think it's pretty neighborly of us to return someone's sex-bowling ball.

You know we have to bury those mitts now.

We have to tell them to stop whatever they're doing.

Probably a 7-10 split.

And now they're not making noise.

It's like when you go to the zoo and the lion goes inside.

It's Max and Caroline. Your ball came into our yard again.

Hi. Yeah, it's not a good time.

We're role playing, and, obviously, I'm Beyoncé.

Yeah.

[Humming "single ladies"]

Hey, Jay-Z.

Look at all the single ladies.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Jay-Z and I have a lot in common.

He bought the Brooklyn nets. I bought my hairnets in Brooklyn.

I'm not surprised that you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé...

but I am kind of surprised that they bowl.

Where should I put this?

Well, I'll tell you what I told him.

Put it anywhere you want.

[Ball thuds]

So that's basically our ball at this point.

Look, you two may be crazy in love, but your love is driving us crazy.

[Laughs]

Crazy in love?

Oh, come on. We're not in love.

Oleg and I are just shtup buddies.

Shtup buddies? I wouldn't say that's all we are.

Oh, no, you're right. Uh, we also share a cvs points reward card.

Is it really a reward if it comes from cvs?

Can't you two ever do it over at Oleg's apartment?

Or are all the lanes reserved?

Well, I have no idea where he lives.

Wait, you've never been to Oleg's apartment?

No, with my busy work schedule...

i don't have the time to get the battery of shots that I would need.

Hey, hey, hey.

You'd be surprised by my apartment, Sophie.

It's more than just a place the quadruple orgasm was born.

Yeah, well, that sounds nice.

Oh, yes. A beyo... uh-oh.

Uh, Beyoncé's hair just fell out.

I gotta go get my hot glue gun.

[Humming "single ladies"]

Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.

What? By saying she won't need to get shots?

Yes.

Maybe you two could help me fix it up a little.

Give it a feminine touch.

Well, I'm out.

You know what? I'll do it. I'm very recently out of work.

- Gonna charge you. - If you didn't, you'd be the only girl...

who went to his apartment without getting paid.

You got a deal.

Oleg's apartment's this way. I can smell the axe body spray.

I'll throw a couple pillows around, and we'll be gone.

Can't believe I'm walking to Oleg's apartment.

I always thought I'd be dragged here unconscious with tape over my mouth.

Afternoon, ladies.

This is where the magic happens.

Well, I'm sure you've made some women disappear here.

Okay.

Just off the top of my head, I think we're gonna need a couple more pillows.

If you keep your apartment like this, do you get to pay 1980s rent prices?

You haven't even seen the best part yet. Look.

[Funky music playing over speakers]

Going up the stairway to heaven, baby.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

There it is. That's my bed.

Where are we? Studio 69?

That's 1500 tracer bulbs.

I tore most of them out of the new cineplex 14 in queens.

First of all, I am smelling something...

that can only be described as anti-antiperspirant.

And, secondly...

[Music stops]

no woman wants to walk into this.

According to this, 685 already have.

Actually, it's 1685.

After a thousand the counter resets.

If you don't want Sophie to feel like she's next in line at the dmv...

More like the stdmv.

Then we have a lot of work to do.

Okay. Make it look romantic.

When she comes in, i want her to feel special...

like she's the only woman that's ever been here today.

Let's sit down and talk about this.

Oh, my god, Max, is she dead?

No, she's Alexis.

You have one of those anatomically correct real dolls.

It's rare to see one without a short fat man standing next to it with a button penis.

They sell for $6,000, but I got her for half off.

She was previously loved.

- Max, you are not doing that. - The hell I'm not.

This is my one chance to see a woman naked without having to spoon her after.

Respect.

Well, you've made a lot of strong choices here...

but I'm not sure they're all working together.

For example, that sex swing is fighting the goat.

Why don't we start by you getting us some rubber gloves?

Lots of them and the strongest bleach and soap products you can find.

Oh. And a Hazmat suit. Don't worry about the size. I can belt it.

But you're gonna keep my good stuff, right?

If I see any, I'll consider it. Go.

What are you going to do with Alexis?

Rehab and then a women's shelter in Montana. Go.

- I've got a lot of work to do. - But first.

[Funky music playing over speakers]

Can't not do it. Can't not do it.

Can you please turn that off, Max? I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.

[Music stops]

I can't fall on the floor because I might stick to it.

You don't have to do this.

Just call han and apologize and we can get out of here before the syphilis sets in.

No, he said some really hurtful things to me.

And I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go climb the sperm-ship enterprise.

Let me just get these curtains open so I can see better.

Seeing better? Is that the way to go?

Oh! I'm walking on a water bed.

This is harder than it looks.

How many times has that been said on this bed?

Oh, my heel. Whoo!

[Screaming]

[Coughing]

I swallowed. I accidentally swallowed.

You know that's been said.

Max, we got a problem. See that girl?

Oh, the usual drill? You hold her arms and I punch her till she tips 20 percent?

As much as I enjoy that when we do it, no.

She's here to apply for Caroline's job.

What? Han's really going through with this?

I thought it was all talk, like when a chihuahua barks at a big dog.

Me too. I thought it would blow over.

You know, like han did in the wind that time?

- But no, he is serious. - No way. I got this.

Hi, is that your resume? Let's take a little look-see.

- Uh-huh. Oh, you worked there? Cool. - Yep. I'm a very hard worker.

Good. Can you block a punch? Because the owner hits us.

He broke my femur. I complained, he broke the other one.

Run before he sees me talking to you.

Earl, I gotta get han and Caroline to make up.

I don't have access to the pills I need to keep working without her.

- Any advice or pills? - Well, let's see.

We are kind of like a family here...

except I can see you unsupervised on the weekend.

And you didn't use my college fund to buy a married man a corvette.

And in my family, when my kids would fight...

i tried to get them to talk to each other, because honesty is key.

But if that didn't work, I'd lie to their faces.

Lock them in their room and tell them that the other one had three weeks to live.

You know, what used to be known as good parenting.

Max, I've got 12 overqualified candidates coming in for the waitress position today.

Thank you, crumbling economy.

You know, han, here at this diner we're kind of like a little family and....

Oh, I can't do this. Caroline has three weeks left to live. I'm serious.

She drank Oleg's water bed. It's just a matter of time.

Nice try, Max. I'm not going to give her back her job.

She should've checked herself before she wrecked herself.

Come on. Hire her back. Be the bigger man.

And note, I did not make a short joke, because this is important.

And also because I'm still working on something with Peter dinklage's name.

No way, Max. I am holding firm.

You know, firm han is kind of hot.

- He is? - Yeah. I'm kind of feeling firm han.

I have no interest in feeling the firm part, but I'll hang out with the rest.

You want to hang out with me? I'm free mondays through Fridays...

mornings and evenings and my weekends are wide open.

- I may have a wedding to go to in June but... - Breathe.

Come over tomorrow. Caroline will be at Oleg's.

We can get stoned and watch a movie.

The last time I was stoned was from a contact high I got at a concert.

Well, those wiggle shows do get crazy.

Look at us, Max. Hanging outside the work at your place like a couple of homies.

Yeah, where is my homie?

[Sniffs]

Oh, it's this way. I can smell the axe body spray.

Now, what movie should we watch?

I brought Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3, Shrek 3D and that Cameron Diaz cancer movie.

Is there one where Shrek has cancer?

Wow! This is completely... The same place I always live at.

Max, it's so pretty.

I thought your place would have furniture made out of razor blades or something.

I wish. That sounds bitchin'.

- What are you guys doing here? - What is Caroline doing here?

- You said she was going to be at Oleg's. - I am at Oleg's.

You guys live with Oleg?

You told him this was our apartment?

As a wise person once told me, "sometimes you gotta lie to keep your family together."

Not letting anyone leave until you talk to each other.

I don't understand. Are we not smoking weed?

Oh, I already did.

I don't know what his problem is. He fired me for missing 20 minutes of work.

Why doesn't he fire himself for missing puberty?

Let it go, han.

She spent her morning dusting a strap-on.

I didn't fire you because you were late. You crapped all over the diner.

And you forgot that diner lifted you up when you had nothing.

Well, I lifted you up when you couldn't reach the canned corn.

So we're even. Fight over.

What the hell did you do to my apartment?

It looks you could film a douche commercial in here.

Oleg, this is what you asked for. Romantic.

Romantic? My place went from fifty shades of grey...

to fifty shades of beige.

Where's my sex swing? Where's my sex chair?

Where's my poster that says, "poke her in the front, lick her in the back"?

Oleg, relax. All your stuff's either in the basement or the closet.

I know more about what a woman would like to come home to...

than a man whose last girlfriend was made in the Philippines.

[Knocking on door]

Sophie: It's me. Hide your kids, hide your wife.

Sophie. She can't know you're here. Go, go, all of you.

Han, get in the closet.

Putting a guy who's in the closet in the closet? That's like gay nesting dolls.

I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual.

This is where the magic happens?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Do you live with your mother?

What? You don't like? I thought you would enjoy the girls' touch.

Ha! What girls? The golden girls?

[Laughs]

Sophie hates it.

I should have just thrown a boiled ham on the bed.

Oh, no. My hair is stuck in Oleg's clothes.

Please don't let it be a pants zipper. Oh.

[Screams]

- Han, Alexis. Alexis, han. - Ew. Take it away from me.

It's so heavy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Unh!

Help. Get her off of me.

Why? You're finally getting some.

- Take it, take it. - I got it, I got it.

[Both grunt]

Look, han's fallen and he can't get it up.

What the hell is going on here?

I mean, this is freaky even for me.

Sophie, I can explain.

I hired Caroline to redo my apartment...

so it wouldn't be the dirty bachelor pad you were expecting.

But you are the dirty bachelor that I'm expecting.

And why would you hire Caroline? She doesn't know about sexy stuff.

She couldn't even figure out what we do with the bowling ball.

Sophie, you should've seen what was in here.

I mean, he had this anatomically correct real doll he named Alexis.

Yeah, well, she's very pretty.

He had a sex swing.

Ooh! A sex swing.

What are you gonna tell me now? That he had a water bed?

I did. It had 1500 tracer bulbs. It was hot.

[Sophie gasps]

Well, who has it now? I wanna be with him.

Oh, hell. I'm tired of all this role-playing, so I'm just going to say it.

Sophie, I am in love with you.

Oh.

Well, I haven't said this to a man in a very long time...

but I like you a little bit.

I don't know what she's talking about, Caroline. I think it's pretty.

You make everything prettier, even the dumb diner.

Your diner's not dumb. I miss the diner.

And it misses you. You can have your job back.

Is it just because I'm stoned or did anyone else feel...

that deep connection between them?

Could you all leave?

I want to be alone with Oleg. And Alexis.

Now are we going to smoke weed?

Yeah, I'm dying to see you high. Well, as high as you can get.