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1
00:00:00,585 --> 00:00:02,088
[Oleg moaning]
2
00:00:02,297 --> 00:00:05,094
Oleg:
Oh, yeah, baby take it all.
3
00:00:05,303 --> 00:00:06,623
Sophie:
Oh, no, you take it, baby.
4
00:00:06,805 --> 00:00:09,311
Oleg:
No, baby, you take it all.
5
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,400
Sophie: Oh, no, take it, baby.
Oleg: No, baby, you take it.
6
00:00:12,609 --> 00:00:16,242
Dear god, will one of you just
take it and get it over with!
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:20,124
Max! There is no way you could be
sleeping through Oleg and Sophie.
8
00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:22,837
[Sophie & Oleg moaning]
9
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:26,220
Does that actually work?
10
00:00:26,428 --> 00:00:29,518
It does. With a little help from this.
11
00:00:29,726 --> 00:00:31,689
Give me.
12
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:36,365
Whoo! I was hoping that would be fruitier.
13
00:00:36,574 --> 00:00:38,828
I mean, they're here. They're there.
14
00:00:39,036 --> 00:00:40,206
Then they're here again.
15
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,752
It's like we're a village under attack.
16
00:00:42,961 --> 00:00:46,677
Yup, just a matter of time
till someone sends in a drone.
17
00:00:47,971 --> 00:00:52,021
And it's not just that moaning. I think i
heard a big ball rolling around up there.
18
00:00:52,230 --> 00:00:55,820
If a ball is rolling around up there,
Oleg should stop and see a doctor.
19
00:00:57,073 --> 00:01:00,788
Oleg: Give it girl, give it girl, give me.
- This couldn't be any more intrusive.
20
00:01:00,997 --> 00:01:02,834
[Caroline shrieks]
21
00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:08,387
Sophie:
Uh-oh.
22
00:01:10,475 --> 00:01:12,312
Oleg:
Sorry about that.
23
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,403
Caroline:
A bowling ball?
24
00:01:16,612 --> 00:01:18,950
And why do they need a bowling ball?
25
00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:21,497
Maybe they ran out of holes.
26
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,795
Have you guys seen a ball?
27
00:01:37,737 --> 00:01:38,781
[Bell rings]
28
00:01:38,990 --> 00:01:41,662
Pick up, Max. And sorry
about the hole in your ceiling.
29
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:44,835
Oleg, I'm not gonna ask you
to keep it in your pants anymore...
30
00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:47,716
but could you keep it
in your apartment?
31
00:01:51,265 --> 00:01:53,769
- Oh, hey, Sophie.
- Hey, Max.
32
00:01:53,978 --> 00:01:56,608
Oh, spring is in the air.
33
00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,032
This is the time of year in Poland
when the snow would melt...
34
00:02:00,241 --> 00:02:03,956
and all our dead relatives
would float back to us.
35
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,172
I've never been to Europe,
but it sounds beautiful.
36
00:02:07,380 --> 00:02:08,966
Sophie:
Mm.
37
00:02:09,926 --> 00:02:13,517
Max, where is Caroline? And don't tell me
she's in the ladies' room.
38
00:02:13,726 --> 00:02:17,317
Because I already peeked under
all those stalls. She wasn't there.
39
00:02:17,817 --> 00:02:20,156
But I saw things.
40
00:02:21,992 --> 00:02:25,208
Well, congratulations
on finally seeing those things.
41
00:02:26,502 --> 00:02:29,424
She's 20 minutes late,
and as the boss, I will not have it.
42
00:02:29,633 --> 00:02:33,014
Wow, someone woke up
on the wrong side of his crib.
43
00:02:35,311 --> 00:02:37,022
You're late. This is unacceptable.
44
00:02:37,232 --> 00:02:41,865
Don't mind him, he just saw
his first vagina and he's furious.
45
00:02:43,494 --> 00:02:44,579
Okay, here's the thing.
46
00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:48,713
I had to take a nap because Oleg
and Sophie were having sex all night long.
47
00:02:48,921 --> 00:02:52,220
Not true. We took a break
to watch a porno.
48
00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:56,520
Punctuality is the number one rule
in my employee handbook...
49
00:02:56,729 --> 00:02:59,234
which I've adorably named
"the han-book."
50
00:02:59,443 --> 00:03:02,949
Relax, han. Nobody's gonna die
if I'm not here to drop off a tuna melt.
51
00:03:03,158 --> 00:03:06,373
In fact, they're more likely to die
if I do drop it off.
52
00:03:06,582 --> 00:03:08,168
Late and with an attitude.
53
00:03:08,377 --> 00:03:10,214
You think you're too good
for the diner?
54
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:12,176
Of course she thinks that.
55
00:03:12,385 --> 00:03:15,308
I think sourdough bread
is too good for this diner.
56
00:03:15,975 --> 00:03:18,439
Well, what other career option
do you have, Caroline?
57
00:03:18,647 --> 00:03:20,025
Hmm. Let's see. Cupcakes?
58
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,238
No, wait, your shop
didn't last six months.
59
00:03:22,447 --> 00:03:26,037
- Don't go there, han.
- Oh, I'm already there and now I'm back.
60
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,713
Why so moody, han?
Are you man-struating?
61
00:03:30,922 --> 00:03:33,552
Is it that time of the man-th?
62
00:03:34,846 --> 00:03:38,729
That shop was our dream, han.
And this is just a dumb diner.
63
00:03:39,481 --> 00:03:41,860
- You're fired.
- Ooh! I'm fired?
64
00:03:42,069 --> 00:03:43,989
Max, han just fired me.
65
00:03:44,198 --> 00:03:46,620
- You lucky son of a whore.
- Heh.
66
00:03:46,829 --> 00:03:49,501
I'm serious, Caroline.
You called my diner dumb.
67
00:03:49,709 --> 00:03:51,839
Well, my diner
is still open and successful...
68
00:03:52,047 --> 00:03:54,344
whereas your cupcake shop
was so dumb it failed.
69
00:03:54,553 --> 00:03:56,849
Ooh! He did not go there.
70
00:03:57,057 --> 00:04:00,481
I went there and then I came back
and then I went there again.
71
00:04:01,733 --> 00:04:03,571
You know what? I don't need this.
72
00:04:03,779 --> 00:04:06,743
Well, actually, you do kind of need this
because we broke.
73
00:04:06,952 --> 00:04:11,043
Broke or not, I don't have
to stand here and take this. I quit.
74
00:04:11,253 --> 00:04:12,464
Oh, really? You quit?
75
00:04:12,672 --> 00:04:16,220
You must be dumber than my diner
because I already fired you.
76
00:04:16,889 --> 00:04:21,523
Han, I know you've had it up to here,
but you need to relax.
77
00:04:30,207 --> 00:04:32,670
Can you believe han fired me?
78
00:04:32,879 --> 00:04:34,758
I mean, where does he get off?
79
00:04:34,966 --> 00:04:37,889
Probably in Buffy the vampire slayer
chat rooms.
80
00:04:39,935 --> 00:04:42,064
Have you been standing here
this whole time?
81
00:04:42,272 --> 00:04:44,986
I didn't even pee.
I was afraid I'd miss you. So hold on.
82
00:04:47,492 --> 00:04:50,623
So basically, you had the same day
as a puppy?
83
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,251
Caroline:
Han is lucky I work there.
84
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,132
I bring class and sophistication
to that place.
85
00:04:55,341 --> 00:04:56,593
[Toilet flushes]
86
00:04:56,802 --> 00:04:59,432
There's no toilet paper
and I just used the last coffee filter.
87
00:04:59,641 --> 00:05:04,317
You are sophisticating the hell
out of that toilet right now.
88
00:05:05,235 --> 00:05:06,279
And you know what?
89
00:05:06,488 --> 00:05:11,540
You can tell han that the only way I am
ever going back there is if he apologizes.
90
00:05:11,748 --> 00:05:13,878
Okay, but first he wanted me
to tell you this.
91
00:05:14,086 --> 00:05:17,427
The only way you're ever going back there
is if you apologize.
92
00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:19,931
Well, an apology from me
is not happening.
93
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:22,060
[Oleg moaning]
94
00:05:22,269 --> 00:05:24,649
Oleg:
Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, take it all.
95
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,570
Sophie:
Oh, no, you take it, baby.
96
00:05:26,778 --> 00:05:27,906
Oleg:
Oh, baby, you take it.
97
00:05:28,114 --> 00:05:30,745
And that is not happening
again tonight either.
98
00:05:36,632 --> 00:05:39,513
Again? That could've hit us.
99
00:05:39,721 --> 00:05:42,685
Now, that's unsafe sex.
100
00:05:44,523 --> 00:05:48,948
I think it's pretty neighborly of us
to return someone's sex-bowling ball.
101
00:05:49,407 --> 00:05:51,370
You know we have
to bury those mitts now.
102
00:05:51,578 --> 00:05:54,166
We have to tell them
to stop whatever they're doing.
103
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:57,130
Probably a 7-10 split.
104
00:05:59,469 --> 00:06:01,097
And now they're not making noise.
105
00:06:01,305 --> 00:06:05,021
It's like when you go to the zoo
and the lion goes inside.
106
00:06:05,313 --> 00:06:09,823
It's Max and Caroline.
Your ball came into our yard again.
107
00:06:11,660 --> 00:06:14,373
Hi. Yeah, it's not a good time.
108
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,881
We're role playing,
and, obviously, I'm Beyoncé.
109
00:06:18,089 --> 00:06:19,467
Yeah.
110
00:06:19,676 --> 00:06:22,097
[Humming "single ladies"]
111
00:06:22,306 --> 00:06:24,561
Hey, Jay-Z.
112
00:06:24,769 --> 00:06:27,232
Look at all the single ladies.
113
00:06:27,442 --> 00:06:28,694
Oh, yeah, baby.
114
00:06:28,903 --> 00:06:30,489
Jay-Z and I have a lot in common.
115
00:06:30,698 --> 00:06:34,956
He bought the Brooklyn nets.
I bought my hairnets in Brooklyn.
116
00:06:35,165 --> 00:06:37,879
I'm not surprised
that you're Jay-Z and Beyoncé...
117
00:06:38,087 --> 00:06:41,385
but I am kind of surprised
that they bowl.
118
00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:42,764
Where should I put this?
119
00:06:42,972 --> 00:06:44,976
Well, I'll tell you what I told him.
120
00:06:45,185 --> 00:06:46,897
Put it anywhere you want.
121
00:06:52,032 --> 00:06:53,953
[Ball thuds]
122
00:06:54,788 --> 00:06:57,961
So that's basically our ball at this point.
123
00:06:58,169 --> 00:07:02,261
Look, you two may be crazy in love,
but your love is driving us crazy.
124
00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:04,014
[Laughs]
125
00:07:04,223 --> 00:07:05,977
Crazy in love?
126
00:07:06,185 --> 00:07:08,691
Oh, come on. We're not in love.
127
00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:11,488
Oleg and I are just shtup buddies.
128
00:07:11,697 --> 00:07:14,744
Shtup buddies?
I wouldn't say that's all we are.
129
00:07:14,953 --> 00:07:20,171
Oh, no, you're right.
Uh, we also share a cvs points reward card.
130
00:07:20,715 --> 00:07:24,639
Is it really a reward
if it comes from cvs?
131
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:27,562
Can't you two ever do it
over at Oleg's apartment?
132
00:07:27,770 --> 00:07:29,983
Or are all the lanes reserved?
133
00:07:30,191 --> 00:07:32,530
Well, I have no idea where he lives.
134
00:07:32,739 --> 00:07:34,993
Wait, you've never been
to Oleg's apartment?
135
00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:37,456
No, with my busy work schedule...
136
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,297
i don't have the time to get the battery
of shots that I would need.
137
00:07:41,506 --> 00:07:43,134
Hey, hey, hey.
138
00:07:43,343 --> 00:07:45,640
You'd be surprised
by my apartment, Sophie.
139
00:07:45,848 --> 00:07:50,357
It's more than just a place
the quadruple orgasm was born.
140
00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:53,656
Yeah, well, that sounds nice.
141
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:57,497
Oh, yes. A beyo... uh-oh.
142
00:07:59,458 --> 00:08:01,588
Uh, Beyoncé's hair just fell out.
143
00:08:01,797 --> 00:08:04,678
I gotta go get my hot glue gun.
144
00:08:05,721 --> 00:08:07,892
[Humming "single ladies"]
145
00:08:10,690 --> 00:08:13,904
Girls, I may have oversold my apartment.
146
00:08:14,446 --> 00:08:17,035
What? By saying she won't need
to get shots?
147
00:08:17,244 --> 00:08:18,872
Yes.
148
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,962
Maybe you two could help me
fix it up a little.
149
00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:23,590
Give it a feminine touch.
150
00:08:23,799 --> 00:08:25,385
Well, I'm out.
151
00:08:25,594 --> 00:08:28,266
You know what? I'll do it.
I'm very recently out of work.
152
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:31,313
- Gonna charge you.
- If you didn't, you'd be the only girl...
153
00:08:31,523 --> 00:08:33,986
who went to his apartment
without getting paid.
154
00:08:34,194 --> 00:08:35,531
You got a deal.
155
00:08:38,829 --> 00:08:42,294
Oleg's apartment's this way.
I can smell the axe body spray.
156
00:08:42,502 --> 00:08:45,216
I'll throw a couple pillows around,
and we'll be gone.
157
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,555
Can't believe I'm walking
to Oleg's apartment.
158
00:08:47,764 --> 00:08:51,479
I always thought I'd be dragged here
unconscious with tape over my mouth.
159
00:08:53,191 --> 00:08:54,318
Afternoon, ladies.
160
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,447
This is where the magic happens.
161
00:08:56,656 --> 00:09:00,205
Well, I'm sure you've made
some women disappear here.
162
00:09:02,752 --> 00:09:04,046
Okay.
163
00:09:04,881 --> 00:09:09,264
Just off the top of my head, I think
we're gonna need a couple more pillows.
164
00:09:10,308 --> 00:09:14,901
If you keep your apartment like this,
do you get to pay 1980s rent prices?
165
00:09:15,110 --> 00:09:17,406
You haven't even seen
the best part yet. Look.
166
00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:20,746
[Funky music
playing over speakers]
167
00:09:20,955 --> 00:09:24,002
Going up the stairway to heaven, baby.
168
00:09:24,211 --> 00:09:26,298
Oh. Oh, yeah.
169
00:09:26,507 --> 00:09:29,513
There it is. That's my bed.
170
00:09:29,722 --> 00:09:32,854
Where are we? Studio 69?
171
00:09:33,062 --> 00:09:34,941
That's 1500 tracer bulbs.
172
00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:39,575
I tore most of them out of the new
cineplex 14 in queens.
173
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,080
First of all, I am smelling something...
174
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:45,671
that can only be described
as anti-antiperspirant.
175
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,257
And, secondly...
176
00:09:47,466 --> 00:09:48,551
[Music stops]
177
00:09:48,761 --> 00:09:50,513
no woman wants to walk into this.
178
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:54,021
According to this, 685 already have.
179
00:09:54,229 --> 00:09:55,816
Actually, it's 1685.
180
00:09:56,025 --> 00:09:58,989
After a thousand the counter resets.
181
00:09:59,198 --> 00:10:02,747
If you don't want Sophie to feel
like she's next in line at the dmv...
182
00:10:02,955 --> 00:10:05,376
More like the stdmv.
183
00:10:05,585 --> 00:10:08,090
Then we have a lot of work to do.
184
00:10:08,299 --> 00:10:10,220
Okay. Make it look romantic.
185
00:10:10,428 --> 00:10:12,683
When she comes in,
i want her to feel special...
186
00:10:12,892 --> 00:10:16,315
like she's the only woman
that's ever been here today.
187
00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:19,781
Let's sit down and talk about this.
188
00:10:19,989 --> 00:10:22,452
Oh, my god, Max, is she dead?
189
00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:25,124
No, she's Alexis.
190
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,131
You have one of those
anatomically correct real dolls.
191
00:10:28,339 --> 00:10:32,682
It's rare to see one without a short fat man
standing next to it with a button penis.
192
00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:36,063
They sell for $6,000,
but I got her for half off.
193
00:10:36,272 --> 00:10:38,109
She was previously loved.
194
00:10:38,902 --> 00:10:41,658
- Max, you are not doing that.
- The hell I'm not.
195
00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:46,000
This is my one chance to see a woman
naked without having to spoon her after.
196
00:10:47,419 --> 00:10:48,964
Respect.
197
00:10:49,924 --> 00:10:53,222
Well, you've made a lot
of strong choices here...
198
00:10:53,431 --> 00:10:55,895
but I'm not sure
they're all working together.
199
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:59,276
For example, that sex swing
is fighting the goat.
200
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:02,115
Why don't we start by you getting us
some rubber gloves?
201
00:11:02,324 --> 00:11:05,496
Lots of them and the strongest bleach
and soap products you can find.
202
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:09,463
Oh. And a Hazmat suit. Don't worry
about the size. I can belt it.
203
00:11:09,672 --> 00:11:11,718
But you're gonna keep my good stuff,
right?
204
00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:14,682
If I see any, I'll consider it. Go.
205
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:17,187
What are you going to do with Alexis?
206
00:11:17,395 --> 00:11:20,318
Rehab and then a women's shelter
in Montana. Go.
207
00:11:21,362 --> 00:11:24,576
- I've got a lot of work to do.
- But first.
208
00:11:24,786 --> 00:11:27,833
[Funky music
playing over speakers]
209
00:11:28,042 --> 00:11:31,674
Can't not do it. Can't not do it.
210
00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:36,350
Can you please turn that off, Max?
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
211
00:11:36,559 --> 00:11:37,770
[Music stops]
212
00:11:37,979 --> 00:11:40,191
I can't fall on the floor
because I might stick to it.
213
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,028
You don't have to do this.
214
00:11:42,237 --> 00:11:46,830
Just call han and apologize and we can get
out of here before the syphilis sets in.
215
00:11:47,038 --> 00:11:49,459
No, he said some really hurtful things
to me.
216
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:53,760
And I'd rather stay here and work for Oleg
and Alexis. At least I'll have my dignity.
217
00:11:53,969 --> 00:11:58,394
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to go climb the sperm-ship enterprise.
218
00:11:58,603 --> 00:12:01,358
Let me just get these curtains open
so I can see better.
219
00:12:01,567 --> 00:12:04,489
Seeing better? Is that the way to go?
220
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,623
Oh! I'm walking on a water bed.
221
00:12:09,834 --> 00:12:11,629
This is harder than it looks.
222
00:12:11,838 --> 00:12:14,384
How many times has that been said
on this bed?
223
00:12:16,096 --> 00:12:18,225
Oh, my heel. Whoo!
224
00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:19,979
[Screaming]
225
00:12:21,732 --> 00:12:23,110
[Coughing]
226
00:12:23,319 --> 00:12:26,617
I swallowed. I accidentally swallowed.
227
00:12:27,494 --> 00:12:29,539
You know that's been said.
228
00:12:35,051 --> 00:12:37,890
Max, we got a problem. See that girl?
229
00:12:38,432 --> 00:12:42,399
Oh, the usual drill? You hold her arms
and I punch her till she tips 20 percent?
230
00:12:42,607 --> 00:12:46,115
As much as I enjoy that
when we do it, no.
231
00:12:46,323 --> 00:12:49,121
She's here to apply for Caroline's job.
232
00:12:49,329 --> 00:12:52,460
What? Han's really going through
with this?
233
00:12:52,669 --> 00:12:56,343
I thought it was all talk,
like when a chihuahua barks at a big dog.
234
00:12:56,552 --> 00:12:58,306
Me too. I thought it would blow over.
235
00:12:58,514 --> 00:13:00,643
You know, like han did
in the wind that time?
236
00:13:00,853 --> 00:13:04,026
- But no, he is serious.
- No way. I got this.
237
00:13:05,486 --> 00:13:09,244
Hi, is that your resume?
Let's take a little look-see.
238
00:13:09,453 --> 00:13:14,046
- Uh-huh. Oh, you worked there? Cool.
- Yep. I'm a very hard worker.
239
00:13:14,254 --> 00:13:17,845
Good. Can you block a punch?
Because the owner hits us.
240
00:13:18,054 --> 00:13:20,683
He broke my femur.
I complained, he broke the other one.
241
00:13:20,893 --> 00:13:23,147
Run before he sees me talking to you.
242
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:26,236
Earl, I gotta get han and Caroline
to make up.
243
00:13:26,445 --> 00:13:29,701
I don't have access to the pills I need
to keep working without her.
244
00:13:29,911 --> 00:13:32,624
- Any advice or pills?
- Well, let's see.
245
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,628
We are kind of like a family here...
246
00:13:34,837 --> 00:13:38,636
except I can see you unsupervised
on the weekend.
247
00:13:39,596 --> 00:13:42,978
And you didn't use my college fund
to buy a married man a corvette.
248
00:13:44,106 --> 00:13:46,610
And in my family,
when my kids would fight...
249
00:13:46,819 --> 00:13:50,284
i tried to get them to talk to
each other, because honesty is key.
250
00:13:50,493 --> 00:13:53,124
But if that didn't work,
I'd lie to their faces.
251
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,465
Lock them in their room and tell them
that the other one had three weeks to live.
252
00:13:57,674 --> 00:14:00,054
You know, what used to be known
as good parenting.
253
00:14:01,390 --> 00:14:05,983
Max, I've got 12 overqualified candidates
coming in for the waitress position today.
254
00:14:06,191 --> 00:14:08,571
Thank you, crumbling economy.
255
00:14:09,489 --> 00:14:13,414
You know, han, here at this diner
we're kind of like a little family and....
256
00:14:13,622 --> 00:14:17,130
Oh, I can't do this. Caroline has three
weeks left to live. I'm serious.
257
00:14:17,338 --> 00:14:20,303
She drank Oleg's water bed.
It's just a matter of time.
258
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:23,059
Nice try, Max.
I'm not going to give her back her job.
259
00:14:23,267 --> 00:14:26,190
She should've checked herself
before she wrecked herself.
260
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,071
Come on. Hire her back.
Be the bigger man.
261
00:14:29,279 --> 00:14:32,577
And note, I did not make a short joke,
because this is important.
262
00:14:32,786 --> 00:14:36,460
And also because I'm still working
on something with Peter dinklage's name.
263
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,714
No way, Max. I am holding firm.
264
00:14:39,508 --> 00:14:41,845
You know, firm han is kind of hot.
265
00:14:42,472 --> 00:14:44,643
- He is?
- Yeah. I'm kind of feeling firm han.
266
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,985
I have no interest in feeling the firm
part, but I'll hang out with the rest.
267
00:14:49,194 --> 00:14:52,450
You want to hang out with me?
I'm free mondays through Fridays...
268
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:56,333
mornings and evenings
and my weekends are wide open.
269
00:14:56,542 --> 00:14:59,214
- I may have a wedding to go to in June but...
- Breathe.
270
00:14:59,423 --> 00:15:01,635
Come over tomorrow.
Caroline will be at Oleg's.
271
00:15:01,844 --> 00:15:03,597
We can get stoned and watch a movie.
272
00:15:03,806 --> 00:15:07,689
The last time I was stoned
was from a contact high I got at a concert.
273
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:11,948
Well, those wiggle shows do get crazy.
274
00:15:15,496 --> 00:15:19,796
Look at us, Max. Hanging outside the work
at your place like a couple of homies.
275
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,383
Yeah, where is my homie?
276
00:15:21,592 --> 00:15:22,594
[Sniffs]
277
00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:25,683
Oh, it's this way.
I can smell the axe body spray.
278
00:15:26,310 --> 00:15:27,812
Now, what movie should we watch?
279
00:15:28,022 --> 00:15:34,659
I brought Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek 3, Shrek 3D
and that Cameron Diaz cancer movie.
280
00:15:35,203 --> 00:15:38,292
Is there one where Shrek has cancer?
281
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:45,515
Wow! This is completely...
The same place I always live at.
282
00:15:46,225 --> 00:15:47,519
Max, it's so pretty.
283
00:15:47,727 --> 00:15:51,860
I thought your place would have furniture
made out of razor blades or something.
284
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:54,699
I wish. That sounds bitchin'.
285
00:15:55,660 --> 00:15:58,791
- What are you guys doing here?
- What is Caroline doing here?
286
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,132
- You said she was going to be at Oleg's.
- I am at Oleg's.
287
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:04,219
You guys live with Oleg?
288
00:16:04,427 --> 00:16:06,682
You told him this was our apartment?
289
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:11,567
As a wise person once told me, "sometimes you
gotta lie to keep your family together."
290
00:16:11,775 --> 00:16:14,447
Not letting anyone leave
until you talk to each other.
291
00:16:14,656 --> 00:16:18,122
I don't understand.
Are we not smoking weed?
292
00:16:20,751 --> 00:16:22,714
Oh, I already did.
293
00:16:22,922 --> 00:16:26,597
I don't know what his problem is.
He fired me for missing 20 minutes of work.
294
00:16:26,805 --> 00:16:30,188
Why doesn't he fire himself
for missing puberty?
295
00:16:30,396 --> 00:16:31,565
Let it go, han.
296
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:34,571
She spent her morning
dusting a strap-on.
297
00:16:34,779 --> 00:16:38,495
I didn't fire you because you were late.
You crapped all over the diner.
298
00:16:38,704 --> 00:16:42,128
And you forgot that diner lifted you up
when you had nothing.
299
00:16:42,337 --> 00:16:45,968
Well, I lifted you up
when you couldn't reach the canned corn.
300
00:16:46,178 --> 00:16:47,889
So we're even. Fight over.
301
00:16:49,351 --> 00:16:52,774
What the hell did you do
to my apartment?
302
00:16:52,982 --> 00:16:57,033
It looks you could film
a douche commercial in here.
303
00:16:58,994 --> 00:17:02,043
Oleg, this is what you asked for.
Romantic.
304
00:17:02,252 --> 00:17:05,049
Romantic? My place went
from fifty shades of grey...
305
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,887
to fifty shades of beige.
306
00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:11,812
Where's my sex swing?
Where's my sex chair?
307
00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:16,363
Where's my poster that says, "poke her
in the front, lick her in the back"?
308
00:17:16,572 --> 00:17:19,953
Oleg, relax. All your stuff's either
in the basement or the closet.
309
00:17:20,162 --> 00:17:23,001
I know more about what a woman
would like to come home to...
310
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,798
than a man whose last girlfriend
was made in the Philippines.
311
00:17:26,007 --> 00:17:27,677
[Knocking on door]
312
00:17:27,886 --> 00:17:31,226
Sophie:
It's me. Hide your kids, hide your wife.
313
00:17:31,435 --> 00:17:34,941
Sophie. She can't know you're here.
Go, go, all of you.
314
00:17:35,151 --> 00:17:37,238
Han, get in the closet.
315
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:41,246
Putting a guy who's in the closet in the
closet? That's like gay nesting dolls.
316
00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:44,502
I'm not gay. I'm a metrosexual.
317
00:17:47,091 --> 00:17:49,930
This is where the magic happens?
318
00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:51,475
Oh.
319
00:17:52,226 --> 00:17:54,189
Oh, no.
320
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,320
Do you live with your mother?
321
00:17:58,697 --> 00:18:03,081
What? You don't like?
I thought you would enjoy the girls' touch.
322
00:18:03,290 --> 00:18:06,380
Ha! What girls? The golden girls?
323
00:18:06,588 --> 00:18:08,884
[Laughs]
324
00:18:09,094 --> 00:18:10,513
Sophie hates it.
325
00:18:10,721 --> 00:18:13,477
I should have just thrown a boiled ham
on the bed.
326
00:18:13,686 --> 00:18:16,275
Oh, no. My hair is stuck in Oleg's clothes.
327
00:18:16,483 --> 00:18:19,364
Please don't let it be a pants zipper.
Oh.
328
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,247
[Screams]
329
00:18:27,338 --> 00:18:31,346
- Han, Alexis. Alexis, han.
- Ew. Take it away from me.
330
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:34,352
It's so heavy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Unh!
331
00:18:35,771 --> 00:18:37,358
Help. Get her off of me.
332
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:39,195
Why? You're finally getting some.
333
00:18:39,863 --> 00:18:42,410
- Take it, take it.
- I got it, I got it.
334
00:18:42,618 --> 00:18:44,998
[Both grunt]
335
00:18:47,211 --> 00:18:50,718
Look, han's fallen and he can't get it up.
336
00:18:54,016 --> 00:18:56,146
What the hell is going on here?
337
00:18:56,355 --> 00:18:59,694
I mean, this is freaky even for me.
338
00:19:00,446 --> 00:19:02,200
Sophie, I can explain.
339
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:04,579
I hired Caroline to redo my apartment...
340
00:19:04,788 --> 00:19:08,253
so it wouldn't be the dirty bachelor pad
you were expecting.
341
00:19:08,462 --> 00:19:11,593
But you are the dirty bachelor
that I'm expecting.
342
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:15,226
And why would you hire Caroline?
She doesn't know about sexy stuff.
343
00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:19,442
She couldn't even figure out
what we do with the bowling ball.
344
00:19:19,651 --> 00:19:21,738
Sophie, you should've seen
what was in here.
345
00:19:21,947 --> 00:19:26,498
I mean, he had this anatomically
correct real doll he named Alexis.
346
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:30,423
Yeah, well, she's very pretty.
347
00:19:31,717 --> 00:19:33,887
He had a sex swing.
348
00:19:34,096 --> 00:19:36,685
Ooh! A sex swing.
349
00:19:36,893 --> 00:19:39,858
What are you gonna tell me now?
That he had a water bed?
350
00:19:40,066 --> 00:19:43,615
I did. It had 1500 tracer bulbs.
It was hot.
351
00:19:43,824 --> 00:19:44,951
[Sophie gasps]
352
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:49,168
Well, who has it now?
I wanna be with him.
353
00:19:49,711 --> 00:19:53,844
Oh, hell. I'm tired of all this
role-playing, so I'm just going to say it.
354
00:19:54,053 --> 00:19:57,351
Sophie, I am in love with you.
355
00:19:59,814 --> 00:20:01,192
Oh.
356
00:20:02,445 --> 00:20:08,164
Well, I haven't said this to a man
in a very long time...
357
00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:11,421
but I like you a little bit.
358
00:20:13,132 --> 00:20:16,515
I don't know what she's talking about,
Caroline. I think it's pretty.
359
00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:20,856
You make everything prettier,
even the dumb diner.
360
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:25,699
Your diner's not dumb. I miss the diner.
361
00:20:25,908 --> 00:20:28,831
And it misses you.
You can have your job back.
362
00:20:29,039 --> 00:20:31,670
Is it just because I'm stoned
or did anyone else feel...
363
00:20:31,878 --> 00:20:34,717
that deep connection between them?
364
00:20:35,511 --> 00:20:37,390
Could you all leave?
365
00:20:37,598 --> 00:20:42,107
I want to be alone with Oleg. And Alexis.
366
00:20:45,238 --> 00:20:47,033
Now are we going to smoke weed?
367
00:20:47,743 --> 00:20:51,543
Yeah, I'm dying to see you high.
Well, as high as you can get.
30473
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