Original subtitles

What's up, peanut?

Max, I'm not paying you to just stand there.

You're not paying me to eat as many fries as I can...

before the plate leaves the kitchen, but I do that too.

Go wait on that pretty girl.

Oh, wait. Is she a boy?

She looks a little like a pretty boy.

She's probably looking at you and thinking the same thing.

But are you attracted to the girl she is...

or the boy she appears to be?

You're confused, aren't you, han?

Yes, my mind tells me one thing, but my body tells me something else.

Max, go on break. I've got the booth.

Oh, no. You can't wait on her.

That's Tina, a lesbian who turns straight girls.

They call her "Tina the Turner."

Every heterosexual woman in williamsburg has hooked up with her.

Max, everyone?

Not me. Who do you think turned her?

But you won't be able to resist her charm. Trust me.

That's nonsense. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality.

I once texted "yes" to Mr. Chaz bono on dancing with the stars.

Okay, good luck.

Just don't let me catch you guys making out on the table.

Or do. It's a free country.

- Hi, are you ready to order? - Sure.

I love your hair, by the way.

Earl, Caroline's about to fall in love with a lesbian.

Well, color me "i saw that one coming."

How did it go?

Fine, she complimented my hair, she ordered a soup, I gave her my number.

I gave her my number?

Okay, hit the showers.

That's what I get for sending a straight woman...

to do an emotionally dead woman's job.

It was so nice to wake up this morning...

without the stress of owning our cupcake business.

The only decision i have to make today is...

do I change my underwear or turn these inside out?

Four years ago, I was hit with a similar conundrum.

"Do I buy underwear or do I buy beer?"

I've been free-balling it ever since.

What are you doing? What's happening?

The arrow from the shop?

I put it on so you'd know where the insults were coming from.

I'm talking about the cupcakes. Our cupcake shop is gone.

Why are you making those things?

It's the only constant in my life and the routine distracts me from...

the relentless darkness that lurks in every corner of my thoughts.

We need to sell these at the diner to make extra money.

You can do it. I'm not speaking to them.

They totally led me on.

Those cupcakes were a tease.

Well, I wanna pay rent this month.

And then again next month.

And so on and so on until the exquisite release of death.

Oh, rent. Here we go again. Does that bitch ever stop?

[Phone ringing]

If that's death, it's for me.

Tell him to honk and I'll be right out.

Morning, Chestnut.

What is it about those big beautiful eyes that makes everything feel better?

I guess I just have a warmth.

Oh, you mean the horse.

It this still good?

It is not.

Eh. Like I have a choice.

Wow, that was a blast from the past.

My old temp agency.

Flu's got their staff laid up, they need bodies.

Wanna do it? I bet they'll let us temp together.

You think? You think they'd let us temp together?

Oh, god, last week I owned a cupcake business, now I'm temping.

Why don't I just ask Chestnut to kick me in the head?

He won't do it. I've asked him like seven times.

Look, we've both casually fantasized...

about our deaths within 10 minutes of waking up...

so maybe we should do something to distract us.

And xeroxing will make us feel whole?

Let me tell you something...

when you're photocopying your ass on a xerox machine, you're never more alive.

Hello, old friend.

Here it is. My temping blazer.

Ah, you can still smell the no way out.

Why is that in a bucket?

Because I don't wanna accidentally wear it.

Well, is there a pantsuit in the oven I could wear?

It doesn't matter what you wear, you're a temp.

They'll be impressed if you don't poop your pants.

And even if you do, not a deal breaker.

[Knocking on door]

All right, but if we're temping to make our rent...

that's the last batch of those.

I don't wanna see, hear, or think any more about cupcakes.

[Sophie laughing]

Ding-dong, cupcake calling. Ha-ha-ha.

We found the cupcake costumes from your store out near the dumpster. Ha-ha.

- Are you guys drunk? - Yes. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, we've been out clubbing all night.

[Oleg coughs]

Oh, I just swallowed one of my balls.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, now you know how I feel. Ha-ha-ha.

I threw those costumes away on purpose.

Max and I are no longer making cupcakes.

What did you say?

Cupcakes are a waste of time and money.

You take that back right now!

No, you don't....

You're lucky that I have a giant cake holding me back right now.

[Laughing]

Fifth floor, end of dreams.

Oh, yeah, I've worked here before.

You know the toaster oven in our kitchen? It came from here.

Hi. Caroline Channing, reporting for my first day.

I went ahead and printed out my address, social security...

and other information to make your life easier.

Hey, I'm temp number two. Where your bathroom at?

I'll get Eli, he's my boss.

Sign these stating that if you're injured on the job it's not our fault.

How would we injure ourselves in an office?

Let me give you a "for instance."

Some girl, let's say her name is Sarah, is walking through the office...

with her number two pencil facing up ways.

She trips over her shoes and falls and number two pencil...

goes right through her eyeball and into her brain.

And now she's gotta eat applesauce through a straw the rest of her life.

See, that's not our fault, that's her fault...

as per the judge's decision in Sarah Drake v. Westship insurance.

Sign those. I'll get Eli.

Thank you. I'm sorry, i didn't get your name.

That's because I didn't give it to you.

What are you doing? You never give anybody your real name.

When you make your data-entry mistake....

they can't track the real you down.

You didn't see me at the enron trial, did you?

And that light in your eyes? Dim it down. Way down. Show me.

That's good. How did you do that?

- I thought about our future. - Great.

Eli's in a meeting, but you gotta watch this sexual harassment video.

Watching a video is a waste of time when we could do something productive.

A waste of time?

Let me give you a "for instance."

There's this Dominican guy, he's installing a new water jug in the office...

and he looks at one of the female employees and says:

"Speaking of jugs," and then he reaches up and cups the employee's breastesses...

then starts twisting on the nips and what have you.

Now, how do you handle a situation like that?

That's actually how my longest relationship started.

[Chuckles]

Doug [On video]: I'd love to give you that promotion, Beverly.

But first, you'll have to do something for me.

Don't do it, Beverly. Don't do it!

Spoiler alert. I've watched this in here before...

and it does not end well for Beverly.

Well, not to blame the victim, but who wears a black bra to work?

These shelves would be so much better...

if they were alphabetized, color-coordinated.

Forget that cabinet. Look at the top shelf on Beverly.

I'm a little jelly.

Doug: That's right, Beverly. Now bend down and pick up that file.

Oh, Doug, you're up to your old tricks and she falls for it every time.

Woman: Let's pause here and write down these rules...

we've learned from Beverly and Doug.

Ah. I love the smell in here.

Reminds me of interning on wall street.

You know, minus the dignity and the future.

But why would the paper products be near the toner?

Whoever organized this place must have been stupid or lazy or both.

A both.

Forget all that shelf stuff. You are not here to improve layout...

you're here to pretend you're working...

and steal vitamin waters from the break room...

at the end of each day.

Hey.

Are you watching dirty videos in here and didn't invite me?

They're making harassment videos in 3D now?

I was looking for the new temps but i wandered into a beauty pageant.

Uh, the votes are in. It's a tie.

I'm Eli green, the office manager. You must be our new temps.

- I'm Caroline Channing. - And I'm Carmen sandiego.

No relation.

[Cat meows on monitor]

Oh, my god, this is great.

The cat's eating the dog's food and the dog's just like, "what?"

Yo. Psst. "Cat eats dog food." YouTube it now.

Kind of busy with my work.

It's called minimum wage because you're supposed to do the minimum.

Mm. Coffee tastes so much better when it's from today and you haven't paid for it.

[Cat meows]

Ha! The dog's just like, "what?" Classic.

You like that video?

Look up "cat versus toddler." You're welcome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a modeling agency?

Did I get off on the wrong floor?

I don't care where you get off as long as it's not here.

Hi, Eli.

Any idea when they'll decide who's getting the junior executive promotion?

Not yet, but I mentioned your name to the big guys, Ryan.

- I'm Leon. - Hey, Caroline.

Hi. Question. I finished the first-quarter claim reports.

Are you doping? We need to stretch this out.

And I took the Liberty of reformatting...

the expense template, so, what would you like me to do now?

Say my name, say my name. Heh.

Hey, Caroline, you're not just hot, you're on fire.

You should be throwing your hat in the ring...

- for that executive job. - Really?

And this girl's just like, "what?"

That temp place is soul-sucking.

And I didn't even know i had a soul to suck.

If that's a suicide note, just add my name to the end.

Come on, it's not that bad.

And I got four free fresh coffee drinks.

And one had a caramel drizzle.

Caramel drizzle?

That's definitely my name at my next temp job.

I don't know if this is such a temp job.

I'm applying for that junior executive position.

Oh, no, you're not.

We're only going back one more time to get enough wite-out...

to do the Kim Kardashian white manicure.

Max, you saw me there today, I'm good at this.

And it felt amazing to be working somewhere...

where my skills are valued and supported.

Oh. Are you not feeling supported here?

I'm sorry. I'm a boss, not a bra.

Should I praise you more?

Really killing it with the leaning on the counter doing nothing.

Kudos, Caroline. Huzzah.

Hey, where's my huzzah? I was standing around doing nothing too.

And don't forget about me. I was sitting around doing nothing.

In Korea, you all would be left on the curb and taken away with the garbage.

Is that how you got to America, han?

Earl, Caroline's being an idiot.

Oh, we're doing this in front of her now?

Would you still apply for that job...

if I told you we sold out of the cupcakes tonight?

Last one.

So what? They're good one day and you want me to take them back?

Who am I, Robert pattinson?

So you just cut little coconut here out of your life? That's cold.

Max, this job offers medical benefits.

There are doctors who don't have medical benefits.

And financial security.

Maybe I wanna wake up every morning not wanting to kill myself.

Well, that's weird, but whatever.

I went to wharton.

Pay attention, everyone. I know you're all very busy working hard.

Man [On monitor]: You've just won a free iPad.

[Cat meowing on monitor]

What the...? Ahem. Attention, everyone.

While doing work and nothing but work i may have downloaded a virus that meows.

So be on the lookout.

Carry on, Eli.

Thank you, Carmen.

Happy to say 10th floor has picked our new junior exec...

and that person is sitting right here.

- Yes! - No. Caroline.

- Yes! - No.

- Champagne on me. - Yes!

Here, I got us a fresh bottle, because I'm the boss.

Ms. black, would you pop that cork for me?

I'd be happy to, Ms. Channing, you bitch. Ooh!

[Both laughing]

Okay.

Okay, okay, now I'm gonna make a proper toast.

I don't know how, their toaster oven's in our kitchen.

To Max. I promise not to sexually harass you...

no matter how much i am required to as your superior.

To Caroline, I cannot promise the same thing because, sister, you fine.

Ha!

Oh, crap! I spilled champagne on my good bucket blazer.

[In deep voice] "Yes, right there on your breasts, Beverly."

[In normal voice] I'm doing Doug from the sexual harassment video.

The Doug? Love your harassment work.

Especially that sad hr scene where you get fired and cry...

but still manage to touch yourself a little.

[In deep voice] "Wow, Beverly, your breasts are so big, I might need the whole box."

That's enough. You're making this rag feel even dirtier.

- Hey, hand me that. - [In normal voice] What?

- My new westship company poncho? - Yep.

Now it's my booze bib.

Oh, I love this.

Somehow it's small enough to fit in your purse...

but large enough to sleep under during an occupy-wall-street-type situation.

Max, I'm pouring you more champagne...

because I have something really exciting I wanna tell you.

I talked to Eli about hiring you full-time.

You are now a junior executive's executive assistant.

I will knock you to the ground.

Max, think about it. It comes with healthcare.

You wouldn't have to decide between birth control pills and morning after pills.

Are you trying to take away a woman's right to choose?

Come on, it could be so fun, coming to work together...

getting free coffee, the good kind, the blended kind.

Not to mention xeroxing our asses and feeling more alive than ever.

Watch, I'll show you what a fun boss I can be.

Let's go xerox our asses.

Well, how could I say no to copying my butt?

The only thing better than one of my butts is two of my butts.

- I'll go first. - Too late.

Do you want legal size paper or three-hole punch?

Three-hole punch? That's how my longest relationship ended.

Ready, you corporate sell-out. Fry me.

[Machine whirring]

Hey. Why's it still flashing?

Whoops. I put in a hundred copies instead of one.

Don't worry about it, we'll use them as Christmas cards.

See? That's why I need an assistant.

Thanks, but I'm not gonna take this stupid corporate job.

I'm gonna stick with cupcakes, even though you just quit.

I didn't quit the cupcake business. If you remember, it quit us.

At least this job makes sense. You get a regular paycheck, benefits.

You don't spend two years of your life giving it everything...

and then walk away feeling like a failure.

Get off that now. I'm worried you're giving yourself butt cancer.

Wait. You think you're a failure? Because I think we did amazing.

The shop closed, Max. Our dream blew up in our face.

Lots of things blow up in your face. It's part of being a woman.

You just towel off and keep going.

You're gonna do this?

This was to be a temporary distraction until we got back to the cupcake thing.

No, Max, cupcakes were the temp job.

No. Cupcakes were our dream.

Well, I was wrong. Maybe it's better not to have a dream.

Good morning, everyone.

They said you wanted to see me in here.

Ms. Channing, my name is Michelle yi, I'm with hr.

Aww. Is this my official welcome?

[In British accent] Oh, hello.

[In normal voice] Well, I brought some first-day bagels and plain cream cheese.

Sometimes chives can be a little breathy, am I right?

Is this the woman who sexually harassed you?

Yup, that's her.

Oh!

Good one. Really funny.

Me harassing you? Come on, you're not even my type.

Caroline, this isn't a joke.

Trust me, I've been through four of these.

Wait, what's going on?

Ms. Channing, don't address Carmen directly.

- Max? - Max?

Is that a pet name she has for you, Carmen?

Yes. She also calls me caramel drizzle.

Can you tell me what exactly happened with Ms. Channing last night?

She fondled my breasts.

Ms. yi, it's not how it sounds.

We were drinking and I was pretending to be a man.

Drinking. Pretending to be a man.

Don't write that down.

Carmen, when Ms. Channing touched you, how did you feel?

Dirty.

Dirty and underpaid.

She felt dirty? Come on, Ms. yi, you don't know her.

She's the dirty girl. She's a dirty, dirty girl.

And does that turn you on?

No! It's almost impossible to turn me on.

Oh, good, now I don't feel so bad.

Trust me. She is making this stuff up.

I'm sorry, Ms. Channing, we're gonna have to terminate your employment.

This is outrageous. Nothing she said ever happened.

Then how do you explain this?

That is a copy from a xerox machine badly in need of toner...

which is one of the oversights that would not have continued...

had I been made an executive here. Good day.

I don't know what she's talking about.

That butt couldn't be any toner. Write that down, write that down.

Can I get a peek at that?

- How are you tonight, Caroline? - Angry, frustrated, humiliated.

Just another Tuesday at the diner.

Hello, Carmen, or is it caramel drizzle?

Just so you know, that stunt will go on my professional work record.

Oh, please, this diner's on your professional work record.

And your record's clean.

Eli expunged it because i gave him a couple of my ass xeroxes.

He's laminating them and using them as place mats. My idea.

For what, Max? Why'd you get me fired?

Why'd I get you fired?

Well, let me give you a "for instance."

I once knew this girl who was so used to not failing...

that the first time she did she got so scared...

she forgot who she was and tried to be somebody else.

And then she touched my breastesses.

It's cool if you don't wanna join in on the cupcake dream.

But at least wait until you find another, don't hop on the first one that comes along.

It's a dream, not a man.

See? You are a dirty girl.

I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

Hey, cupcake quitters.

Look, you see what you've driven me to?

Supermarket cakes.

Sophie, you don't need to eat those. You can have one of ours.

Max's homemade cupcakes is back in business.

It would be cruel to kid me.

Nope. We're doing it differently this time.

We are? How?

- I have no idea. - Heh.

But for starters, you're my new junior executive executive's assistant.

I will knock you to the ground.

Mm. Oh....

Yeah.

Well, mama happy now.