Original subtitles

- Girls, I've made a big decision. - You're having a sex change?

I totally support you, but be careful, han, female to male is very tricky.

Well, you would know.

Meow, he must have already started on the hormones.

Now, here's my big decision...

we're moving from those icky, glass ketchup bottles...

to modern, new squeeze bottles.

Wow, that is some fresh, outside-the-box thinking.

It's like being an intern at apple during the summer of '76.

That's right. Call me han jobs.

Oh, I will only call you han jobs.

I can't believe everybody else is gone and we're stuck here doing this.

- Ew. This is a really toxic, plastic smell. - Give me that.

[Inhaling deeply]

Max, are you huffing a ketchup bottle?

Mm-hm. Hoping it kills the brain cells that'll remember...

I'm stuck doing ketchups on a Friday night.

Max, give it to me.

Whether you believe it or not, you're above that.

You know what? We're above this. Forget this. Let's go out.

I mean, I'm newly single and you're not picky.

True.

Ready to let my hair down and have one of those...

crazy-yet-fiscally-responsible kind of nights.

Steal other girls' drinks when they go to the bathroom?

What can you do in williamsburg if you have less than $20?

Hang out on the sidewalk and look good till you turn 35.

Then turn to your friends and say, "i have to move home."

Hey, you know what?

The raveonettes are playing the lorimer lounge.

We got a little tip money and lot of "deez."

So let's just watch the magic unfold.

I haven't seen the raveonettes live since I saw them in Denmark.

That is crazy because I first heard of them...

when I was dry-humping a guy named mark in his den.

So....

Twinsies.

[Rock music playing inside]

Wow. My life has really changed.

Last time I was in an alley behind a club...

i was in an SUV with one of the Olsen twins.

I still don't know which one.

Hey, speaking of the Olsen twins, i once woke up next to a garden gnome.

Well, so much for our plan.

Yes, we've still got "doze," but no tickets.

There's gotta be a way for us to get in.

[Bell ringing]

What up, ladies.

Hi, moo. Whatever.

You need tickets?

Well, bessie, we might be interested. How much?

You can have them for free if the blond one milks me.

How bad do you want those tickets, Caroline?

Ha-ha. Not that bad. Bye, moo, whatever.

[Ringing bell]

Sorry, Max, but I can't come back from pulling a strange man's teats.

You think that. And then you do it, and it's not so bad.

Wow. New York without money is like no magic.

There's magic all over this city, with or without money.

You just have to make your own.

- By drinking. - Oh.

Purse beer.

Sorry there's no purse nachos. I ate them all.

Best I can do is the cheese dust down near the birth control.

Okay, this is ratchet. We're just standing here like a couple of Beckys.

- Where's your magic now? - Oh, you wanna see magic?

Abracadabra. Let me in, dumbos.

Abra-ca-damn-dabra.

I don't know what that trash bin said to you...

but you make a cute couple. Be a shame to break up...

before you got to see what your kids would look like.

Been a rough couple of years, what with me considering grad school...

and him being a trash can, but what can I say? It's love.

I understand. Americans love their garbage.

How else would you explain the real housewives of everything?

You're welcome for euro Disney, by the way.

- My name's Graham. I'm with the band. - Max. I'm with the blond.

You two can hang backstage if you like.

Your boyfriend can stay outside and get trashed.

Hey. Ratchet-ass Becky. We're in.

Caroline: Earl, I'm worried.

I haven't seen Max since she left with that guy last night.

I've called her a million times.

She picked up once, and she was either having sex or fighting a bear.

Don't you worry. Max can take care of herself.

I once saw her push a truck out of her way with her mind.

Hey, everybody!

Hey, pardon....

Pardon my appearance...

but I was just in the park running after the high school boys' track team.

I told her it was fine with me. I know she will never catch one of them.

Oh, says you. I'm going to the prom with Brandon.

Yeah, if his dad will lend him the car.

Sophie, I always love when you wear that outfit.

It makes me wanna xana-do you.

'Sup. Pip-pip and cheerios.

Max. Thank god. I was so worried.

Wait, why do you look extra pretty?

Probably the new shades i didn't pay for.

Or the hours of him going downton on my Abbey.

Hold up. No spoilers. I haven't started season three yet.

Earl, you watch that show?

Yes, I do. I enjoy any show where the help is white.

- So you slept with that guy? - Oh, I really slept with that guy.

You go, girl. Don't stop till you get enough.

I'm surprised you spent the night.

Don't you usually leave before they realize there's nothing in their wallet?

Last night, you were complaining about no magic.

Then I woke up this morning to a view of the park and hot cinnamon rolls.

I'm back at the diner, but full of cinnamon rolls.

Boom. Magic. Suck it, David Blaine.

At least you had fun. The only fun I had last night was...

when that cow dude passed out on his feet, and I tipped him over.

- So are you gonna see him again? - Sunday.

I realize you haven't heard these words since you lost your money...

but you're invited.

So you're asking me to be the third wheel on a two-night one-night stand?

So I guess a private plane and two tickets to the grammys in L.A...

won't do it for you either, because bitch we're invited.

The grammys? That's so exciting.

My self-esteem could really use being mistaken...

for Taylor swift right now.

Which tells you how low my self-esteem is.

The guy is sending a private plane for me. A private plane.

- That's how good I am in bed. - We're going to the grammys.

- What's all of the excitement? - We need the weekend off.

- We're going to the grammys. - The grammys? On the real-real?

Do you think you'll meet 2 chainz? That's my boy.

No, he can't be your boy. He's my boy.

2 chainz is the man. He sings my anthem.

"We represent the lollipop guild"?

I'm talking about his ode to big-Booty ho's.

"Birthday song" is my song.

No, "birthday song" is my song. Every morning in the shower, I rap:

[Rapping] All I want for my birthday is a big-Booty ho

that actually makes you look whiter.

I'll give you the weekend off if you get him to sign my concert t-shirt.

Well, we're never gonna meet him, but done.

All my dreams are coming true.

This is so exciting. I'm finally going on a plane ride.

- Max, you've never been on a plane? - I've never been on a plane.

Max, even snakes have been on a plane.

[In French accent] Good morning, madam. Welcome aboard.

It's a lovely day for a flight, yes?

I'm agnès and if you need anything at all, you can just let me know. Hmm?

Cool. Cool.

Please don't lag behind.

I just got French bombed and I have no idea what she said...

but I think we should tip her.

Oh, my god. I can't believe. I'm back on a private plane.

Max, thank you so much for having sex with that stranger.

It was my pleasure. Literally.

Welcome aboard. I am agnès. I can take those for you.

Do you have luggage?

Oh, uh....

[Speaking in French]

[Speaking in French]

Oh, thank you. I'm not Angelina Jolie. I get that a lot.

Oh, you speak French very well.

[Speaking in French]

[Speaking in French]

Le French fry.

[Both laughing]

[Speaking in gibberish]

That's all I know.

Every time you ice me out with her, that's what's coming your way.

So how does this work? Do we need tickets? Where do I sit?

I don't wanna embarrass myself in front of French steward.

No seat assignments. You can sit anywhere.

Oh, cool, like aa.

Oh, I love a g5.

This reminds me so much of the plane we used to have.

Wait, Max, this plane looks very familiar.

- Max, this was my plane. - Well, it's my plane now.

- Wait, if this was my plane... - Which it isn't.

There'd be something i hid for an emergency.

Money? Gold? Kettle corn?

Yep, my Chanel lip gloss. Abra-ca-damn-dabra.

You were a billionaire and for an emergency you hid lip gloss?

In case something went wrong...

i wanted to look good if I was going down.

You know they don't care what you look like, as long as you go down.

What's wrong with me? I'm glossing like a rich gal.

This has got to last me two years.

- Would you like a towel? - How much?

- Max, they're free. - Oh, like the donuts at aa.

Jeez! That's hot! You should warn a bitch.

I'm so sorry, it's her first time on a plane.

[Speaking in French]

[Laughing]

[Speaking in French]

[Chuckles]

[Speaking in gibberish]

Every time.

We only are waiting for one more passenger, and then we'll be departing.

Champagne?

[Speaking in French]

Ooh. The last time I had champagne was at a Filipino wedding...

i crashed at a doubletree.

Another passenger? I wonder who it could be.

Probably my mother.

Every time something great's about to happen...

she shows up and ruins it.

In 20 hours, we went from beer in an alley to dom on a plane.

- That's pretty magical. - Yeah, this could not get any better.

Max, it did just get better. That's 2 chainz. I can't believe it.

Good morning. How y'all doing?

Cool, cool.

Mr. deux chainz, good morning. Coffee, water, champagne?

No, I'm really tired, i just wanna crash. Not the plane.

Do you have any sleepytime tea?

Sleepytime tea? That is so gangster.

Oh, we're moving.

Buckle your seat belt. We're about to take off.

I'm a little scared. What's it gonna feel like?

Oh, that's it? That feels familiar.

Guess I have a private plane in my nightstand.

I can't believe this.

I'm standing in a flying living room, eating ham.

That's prosciutto. From Italy.

It's ham. From right over there. And I'm about to go ham on this ham.

It's been two hours. When's 2 chainz gonna wake up?

I want a picture.

You want him to wake up for a picture? I'll handle that.

- Anything? - Nothing. Do it again.

Wow. That sleepytime really knocks you out.

He must have two-bagged it.

He's totally out. Let's just do it.

We're gonna take his picture.

- Nothing else, right? - Yes.

I can see how these things can get out of hand.

- Okay, I'm first. - No, I'm first. It's my plane.

Actually, it's my plane.

Was your plane. It's mine now.

I had morning sex for it with a leg cramp.

[Whispers] Do another. Do another.

Good one.

[Laughing]

[In normal voice] New Facebook default.

In fact, this is my default pic for everything, including my tombstone.

Since you did boobs, I'm gonna put my Booty in his face...

because all he wants for his birthday is a big-Booty ho.

Get closer. I can't get you both of you. Come closer.

I never get tired of waking up like this.

Oh, Mr. chainz. I am so mortified.

I didn't wanna bother you, i was just gonna be cool.

Oh, that ship sailed with the butt pic, and then crashed with Mr. chainz.

I just wanted a picture because I'm such a huge fan.

And I wanted to wish you luck tonight at the grammys...

because your music means a lot to me, and I related when you said:

[Rapping] When I die bury me inside the Gucci store

when I die bury me inside the Louis store

all I want for my birthday is a big-Booty ho

all I want for my birthday is a big-Booty ho

[laughing]

Yeah.

Hey, what's the party, players?

I heard Booty and I heard ho's so I had to do a pop-in.

Always some weird white guy coming to crash a party.

Chainz.

Stop. No way. I can't believe it's you flying this plane.

Caroline. Been so long since I've seen you. Bring it in.

- Oh, Max. This is bill, the pilot. - The pilot?

Why is he walking around? Brace for crash, brace for crash!

- It's okay. It's on autopilot. - Oh. Autopilot. That's how I live my life.

Pilot bill is an old pal. He used to fly my friends and I around in college.

Yeah, good times.

This is my friend, Max, and it's her very first time on an airplane.

Hey, mine too. J.K. Ha-ha.

Why don't you take a stroll down there and check out the cockpit?

The cockpit? If it's anything like the gay bar on 14th street...

I'm not dressed right.

Oh, it is so good to see you. God, I'd forgotten how beautiful you are.

Aw. Thank you, pilot bill.

I never thought i had a chance with you before...

because you had so much money and I was 20 years older...

but now you're broke and I had a facelift...

so we're kind of on the same level.

Oh, a face lift?

That's why your face is so tight and pink?

I thought maybe you were in a fire. But you look good.

- Sure, let's go out. - Great.

I'm gonna grab a coffee. I'll be right back.

What you doing going out with a guy like that?

Well, here's the thing, 2.

You don't tell the pilot flying the plane...

that you don't wanna go out with him.

Got you.

You just keep flirting with him until we land.

I gotta make it to the grammys.

So you've really never been on a plane before?

Technically, it's my second time...

if you count the rock-o-plane ride at the carnival.

I guess I was rocking that plane too hard...

because half way through, my mini 747 fell off its gears...

and I crashed to the ground. Would've been a lawsuit...

but the carnie paid me off with a sno-cone and also no one cared about me as a child.

Put your hands on the wheel. Give it a spin.

No, I'm good.

Wow. We are really up there. I have never been this high.

And trust me I've been high.

Yeah, I hear that. No one liked to get high more than me.

I did everything: Pills, weed, coke...

and what's that called when you crumble the coke on your weed?

Anyway, I loved to get high.

But that's all way behind me now.

I've been clean and sober ever since that Denzel flight movie came out.

- It's still in the theaters. - Yeah, I saw it last week.

Maybe I will put my hands on the wheel. You know, just in case.

[Alarm beeping]

It's the carnival ride all over again.

- I broke the plane! I broke the plane! - Okay, everything's under control.

Just, sit down, sit down. Put your seat belt on.

And Caroline, here's my cellular.

Of course, you can always get at my mom's...

- Go save the plane! - Yeah, yeah.

We'll be fine.

I was not meant to die as the second banana in a cross-country Booty call.

[Yelling in French]

What did she say?

I have no idea. I heard "love" and "why now?".

So just in case....

I should tell you...

i took $10 out of the cupcake fund for a big Mac and never told you.

I should tell you...

i took $100 out of the cupcake fund to keep my hair this naturally blond.

Bill [Over pa]: Okay, everybody, we've got a bit of a situation.

Looks like my new girlfriend's friend broke the plane.

No, I'm just kidding. We had some engine trouble.

We're gonna have to make an emergency landing in Kansas.

Go, chiefs.

Hey, blondie.

Why don't you keep us in the air? How about you go give the pilot a little love?

Okay. Okay, thank you.

Well, good news. We're not stranded here.

I just got off the phone, and according to my new boyfriend, captain facelift...

your new boyfriend, the brit...

is flying us home tomorrow on a commercial flight.

- Coach. - What?

I don't do coach.

And I'm pretty positive 2 chainz would have taken us on that...

other plane they sent, if you hadn't rapped for 30 minutes...

in that cornfield after we landed.

I don't care what you say. I burned that corn field up.

Let's eat something. They delivered the food.

Slim Jims, cheez-its, pizza pringles and two ham-and-cheese sandwiches.

- Ham? Where's the prosciutto? - There is none.

[Speaks in French]

Because we're at a motel in Kansas.

And the lady at the front desk called me a snob for ordering the pizza pringles.

I can't believe I'm not at the grammys...

and I'm stuck here eating a lousy vending-machine sandwich.

Well, it's better than doing those ketchups in the diner.

And crash-landing in a corn field with a rap star with our heads still attached?

- That's pretty magical, right? - Yeah.

And 2 chainz did say he enjoyed meeting us...

that we were two fine, big-Booty ho's.

- That's pretty magical. - That's pretty magical.

Han is gonna be so jealous when he hears I met our boy.

Oh, my god, we forgot to get han's t-shirt signed.

Or did we?

When you don't have enough money to fix your own mistakes...

you've got to make your own magic.

Max, it's 2 chainz with a z, not an s.

The one time I know how to spell something...

and it comes back to bite me in the ass.

Oh, it's starting. Ready to go to the grammys?

Don't get any ham on the dress, we have to return these to get our money back.

You think Beyoncé's saying that right now?

If we can make our own magic, we can make our own grammys.

TV announcer: The grammys.

[In hoarse voice] Max black. Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?

My roommate's rent. Ha-ha-ha.

You're right. This is pretty magical. But wait. I think it can get better.

[Announcer speaking indistinctly over TV]

[Machine whirring]

[Chuckles]

See?

Way more magical.

This kind of feels like the private plane.

Yeah, the one I have in my night stand.