Original subtitles

Well, you, me and the cupcakes are ready. Now we just need people.

Ooh, here we go. This one looks like she might come in.

Yeah, keep walking, ugly.

Ugly? She's like a supermodel.

Did she come in and buy something?

- No. - Then she ugly.

Okay, yes, business is slow, but we don't have to drop to that level.

Ooh, this guy is definitely coming in.

Keep walking, fatty!

And he ugly.

Both: Welcome to Max's homemade cupcakes!

Hello.

How much are your cupcakes?

Four dollars.

No.

Both: Whore.

Jinx, you owe me a coke!

- We both called an old lady a whore. - I know. We are in complete sync.

That is so good for business.

I'll give you $3.

I'm sorry. They're 4.

There's no one in here. You'll take what you get.

I'm in love with that whore.

Hello, I'm calling from Max's homemade cupcakes...

to acquaint you with our new morning with Max's special.

No, sir, that is not what our special is.

And I haven't even done that with my boyfriend yet, so don't be rude.

Give me that phone.

You fat, you ugly, you fugly.

We have got to get more business going.

The money Sophie gave us to open will only cover next month's rent.

We already have next month's rent?

Why are we worried? We're doing better than everyone else in America.

Well, well, well, if it isn't prince charming.

But Earl, is prince charming? Or is he just a diva in purple?

So psyched. Finally got a personalized hello from Earl.

He called me prince charming. I'm in, baby, I am in.

I wouldn't get too excited. He probably just forgot your name.

He calls every puerto rican guy that comes in here "la bamba."

[Phone playing ringtone]

Max's homemade cupcakes.

- Yes, I'll hold. - Heh.

Of course we do sugar-free and gluten-free.

I'll be right back, I just gotta take this call. Mm-hm.

Mm-hm, I understand. But, like, how diabetic?

I feel a little sick to my stomach.

Why? You haven't even eaten here yet.

No, I'm nervous. I came here to tell Caroline something kind of big.

- You have a secret family on long island? - No.

You have hep c? D? One of the new heps?

Nope.

Don't have any of the heps.

Wow. Now telling her I'm in love with her is gonna sound boring.

You're gonna tell her you love her? Here in the diner?

Why, was the dump closed?

Hey, we need more coffee, la bamba.

This isn't where you tell someone "i love you."

This is where you tell someone their sex change looks passable.

What's the big deal? If I feel it, why shouldn't I say it?

She'd be all over that.

If it didn't happen to Kate Hudson in some stupid romantic comedy...

then it won't work for Caroline.

Sorry, what? I left and went into another theater in my mind while you were talking.

I know, it's so creepy, but she likes it.

If you could arrange for it to rain, or run after her to the airport in the rain...

but end up on the empire state building on Valentine's day, that'd be best.

Well, I just sold three dozen cupcakes.

We just have to mark "no sugar" on one of the boxes.

What did you wanna say to me?

Oh, nothing, I just came by to say hi. I gotta go download a couple movies.

Hey, Oleg, where's my food?

Cheeseburger with fries, pick up.

Han, you look so tall in the window. Are you standing on another tiny person?

No.

On the box.

Oleg had to leave.

Sophie came back from her trip to Poland and he's worried because she's depressed.

Why, did she see you in that hair net?

Come on, listen. When Sophie went to see her new house, there was no house.

Her Polish contractor ripped off her money.

Poor Sophie, I feel terrible. I know what it feels like to be ripped off.

I once bought a fendi purse, but when I looked inside it said "rendi."

What kind of god would let that happen?

Max, I went to a party with that.

We should stop by after work, see how she is, and bring her some cupcakes.

Or you could give her that $20,000 she loaned you.

"Loaned us?" Sophie gave us that money as a gift.

Not what I hear. Pick up.

We're out of spaghetti. There's no sauce.

No, han, there's plenty of sauce.

[Whispers] I know, but I can't reach the shelf.

Hey, are we sure that money Sophie gave us was a gift?

Yes. She gave it to us to support our dream.

When I had money, I gave it out freely, and never expected anything in return.

Like when I gave my maid that gorgeous rendi.

I don't know about people not expecting stuff back.

One time, a guy bought me a slushie and for the next three weeks, he owned me.

No, he really owned me. Eight days in, i almost got traded to a trucker.

I wouldn't even mention her gift. It will only insult her.

And I promise, nobody is expecting us to give the money back.

Come in, girls. Did you bring the check?

No, because it was a gift. A big-ass gift.

But we brought our love and we brought cupcakes.

Well, I doubt she'll eat them.

She hasn't even touched her kapusniak...

which is the dish traditionally served to Polish women...

who have been wronged by their contractors.

Such a specific culture.

But that's not the worst thing. She is so depressed, no sex.

Which is big problem for me because i find depressed women very hot.

A lot of guys do. Why do you think i haven't paid for a drink in six years?

I'll go in and tell her you're here. She's just lying there on the bed, lifeless.

Hot. The big tease.

Sophie, the two girls who you loaned the money to are here to see you.

It was a gift. A generous, generous gift, but still a gift.

Are we sure about that? Because I was slushie boy's bitch for three weeks.

And I did things.

Look, Max brought you cupcakes. Your favorite.

Vanilla with bacon fat drizzle.

Oh. No. I can't eat when I have been betrayed.

What kind again?

Sophie, I am patient man, but I am also horny man.

Any idea when you will snap out of this?

Oh.

Why don't you just unzip and climb on top of me now, and get it over with?

- Oh, no. - We should be going.

No, girls, stay.

If she's not even going to put up a fight, what's the fun?

Are you sure? Bacon drizzle. Little bit of heaven.

No, I don't want them.

Okay. I'll just put the cupcakes here in case you change your mind.

- Is this a gun? - Oh!

Yes. I'm not going to stab myself to death.

Do you know how much this outfit costs?

Sophie, you're gonna get through this. And, by the way, you look amazing in black.

Oh, well, no more bright colors for me now, I'm in mourning.

See? Black bra. Black garters. And look, black panties.

Um, you're not wearing any panties.

I'm not? Oh....

I'm sorry about that wild mess down there.

Look, Sophie, I feel bad you got ripped off.

Here are all my tips from tonight. Twenty-seven dollars.

For eight hours?

Oh, now I'm depressed for you. You wanna borrow my gun?

Know what? You just need to eat something.

And pretty soon, you'll be back to your old self.

A woman who gives gifts and expects nothing in return.

Because that's what a gift is.

Sophie, is that doing anything for you?

Yeah, well, I'm not hating it.

Here, this soup smells amazing.

Oh, no, I don't have the energy to eat.

Sophie, open your mouth and put this in.

Oh, come on, now you're as bad as Oleg.

- There. Better? - That's cold.

Sophie, just say the word, and I will rob a bank for you.

I understand you're hurting...

but we've already spent most of the money on the shop...

and business just isn't good.

It's not the money. Everybody thinks it's the money.

It's more than that. My lake house was my dream and I lost my dream.

Oh. Thank god! Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. Not about the money.

Max, come on, she's had a shock, we should let her sleep.

You girls are so lucky, you still have your dream.

Sophie, what if you were part of our dream?

I'm sorry? Whose dream?

Our dream.

Your dream? Where's that cupcake?

Max: Sophie's the only reason we have a shop.

We should make her partner.

Mm, partner.

You and I are already partners. I feel like we're partnered out.

What about a silent partner?

Mm, silent partner. I like that.

Mm. I'm getting my appetite back.

And also, my sex drive.

Go or stay, girls. Either way, I'm going in.

I'm sorry I said Sophie could be part of the store.

I just felt bad for her, lying there, in black, too sad to even make her junk pretty.

It's fine. Silent partner is just a figure-head role anyway.

And it's nice to know you have such a big heart.

It's not my heart. What I saw down there changed me.

It looks like something an animal built to live in for the winter.

Wait. What is Sophie's chandelier doing here?

Is this the Polish version of home invasion, they break in and leave something tacky?

Good morning, partners.

I didn't know the dress code, so I went business casual.

Look, the chandelier that I bought for my lake house.

Oh, now our dreams are together.

Sophie, it's not the look we were going for.

Oh, I know.

Much better, right?

That is definitely not our style. It looks like a Tim Burton movie just spit up in here.

I think it's kind of pretty.

But what do I know? I once spent my last 50 bucks on a frog piñata.

Had to have it.

[Phone playing ringtone]

Max's homemade cupcakes.

Yes, we're an upscale bakery, and...

Now we sell hoagies.

Oh, no, sir, we do not sell hoagies.

Yes, we do.

How many would you like? Let me get a pen.

[Knock on door]

What's happening? Are we finally gonna trash Caroline?

No. I need your help.

I watched four chick flicks, then made a list of ways to tell Caroline I love her.

I was gonna make more, but I got my period.

Okay, run the choices past me.

Whichever one makes me wanna hurl the most, that's your winner.

I can play a song for her outside her apartment. Keep in mind...

how hard it is to find a boom box in 2012.

Plus, if you do that outside our apartment, you'll be shot.

By me.

Okay, what about sharing cocoa and a hot dog on the ice rink in central park.

That's it. Makes we wanna take my head off and throw it into the street.

Cool. Oh, and Max, I think I'm the only straight guy...

who knows the difference between Dylan mcdermott and dermott mulroney.

And that, my friend, is love.

Oh. What's that funky-ass smell?

Do they finally sell pepperoni febreze?

Max, this already isn't working. The stinky salami, the gaudy chandelier.

It's like a haunted quiznos in here.

Hey.

I'm sending Oleg to queens to pick up a flat of fresca.

There's nothing better with a hoagie than an ice cold fresca.

That's what I wanted.

And look...

they'll go great with the pickled eggs.

This just went from my dream to a nightmare.

Oh, my god, Caroline! It is you!

Stacy, no way! I haven't seen you since graduation.

We went to wharton together.

This girl is a genius.

Always top of the class.

So, what are you doing here? Buying a cupcake on your way to running the world?

No, I own this shop.

Oh. You own this little cupcake shop?

And many other bigger shops. This is our new williamsburg location.

Yes, I know the chandelier is all wrong. I told the designer.

None of our pacific northwest locations will have the chandeliers.

Of course you'd own a cupcake empire at 25.

Oh, and this is Max.

- Hi. - I just transferred from our Boise location.

What's that horrible smell?

It's something called a hoagie. The workers like them.

Right, Max?

Si, gracias por la hoagie.

Well, I have to go. I'm consulting upstairs at bbd&l.

- Oh, upstairs. - Yeah.

Always knew you'd land on your feet. Let's go for drinks.

And you're paying, mogul.

I hope she likes water.

Now what am I gonna do? Stacy's in the building.

Well, you could move to narnia and run that branch, you pathological liar.

Max, this is not how I want people to see me. Or smell me, quite frankly.

We have to get rid of the salami, the chandelier, and Sophie.

This is our dream, not hers.

Okay, fine, I'll tell her.

Hey, Sophie, can we talk to you?

Good news, girls. Now we sell scratchers.

But I have even a better idea.

You two should dress up as big cupcakes and pass out free samples.

Sophie, Max has something she wants to say to you.

Wait. Girls, I have something to say first.

[Sighs]

Two days ago, I was on the verge of suicide.

Seriously, I hadn't eaten all afternoon.

But your generosity with your dream...

has given me a reason to get up and get a wax.

Oh.... Max, there's something you wanted to say?

I was going to say....

You look delicious.

I look like honey boo boo's mom at the prom.

This is so humiliating.

Now I know how Tyra felt when she went undercover as that fat person.

Please tell me this is our bottom.

It's your bottom. I went to happy hour once and woke up naked...

in the penguin habitat at the Bronx zoo.

And I did things.

Hey, girls. What are you two doing just standing there?

God gave cupcakes legs for a reason.

You need to hit the streets, shake your cake maker, and show people your goods.

Don't look at me. It's vanilla.

I was looking forward to going up to strangers on the street and saying:

"Eat me," but she won't leave.

Well, if you're not going to go out and get the customers...

then I'll bring the customers to you.

I gotta do everything around here.

I can't believe we're just standing here...

when we could be chasing fat people down yelling, "you ate my brother!"

Look at you two. What I wouldn't give for a giant glass of milk.

Look at you, though. You look so cute.

No, don't look at me. I'm totally embarrassed in this thing.

Yes, she's cute and embarrassed in a larger-than-life, colorful public setting.

Ah. Right. So, Caroline, listen, I wanted to...

Look, girls, some young professionals.

God, she's bringing Stacy. She can't see me in this.

I was her valedictorian. Take this.

Ooh. Unh.

Wait. Help me up, Max! Help me up!

Oh, great, now you're like my mom.

Here, give me your left hand.

Give me your right hand.

Get up, get up! Five second rule!

[Max grunts]

[Sighs]

What are you two crazy cakes doing?

You lost your customers, they ran away.

Oh, thank god.

Oh, I don't get it. You won't push the hoagies or the pickled eggs.

You must really have a fear of success.

Well, at least we missed Stacy.

Well, you know what else you missed? Andy.

He was about to tell you he loves you.

What?

Just now, in the hall. And the ice rink. He's been trying to tell you all week.

But I've been too preoccupied with work, like Sandra bullock in the proposal.

So he was gonna tell me at the ice rink? The one in central park?

Yes, while having cocoa and splitting a hot dog.

Oh, my god, that's like my dream "i love you" scenario.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

When it comes to other people's creepy love stuff, that's when I'm a silent partner.

And you need to stop with this creepy romcom stuff.

Life isn't like a movie.

Sometimes you're not a success right away.

Sometimes you have to just eat it and be a cupcake...

and sometimes you have to take your "i love you" whichever way it comes.

You are so right.

I don't have to wait for the moment to be perfect...

like it was for Reese Witherspoon in sweet home Alabama.

My life's not a romantic comedy.

I can do it my own way, like Julia Roberts in my best friend's wedding.

Andy, it's me!

Andy: I'll be right out!

No, this can't wait any longer. I don't need a big romantic comedy moment.

- No... - Ooh! Sorry, I thought it was the office.

Not the office.

I'm stuck.

Oh, I wanna go, but I can't.

And I'll never be able to go again.

I'm on the toilet and you're in a cupcake, it can't get any creepier than this, so...

Caroline, I love you.

I love you too.

Now please push me out.

How'd it go? Was it romantic?

He told me he loved me on the toilet.

Oh, man, that's my dream scenario.

[Chuckles]

Hey. I'm only gonna do this for an hour...

to show you how it's done, and then I'm out.

This is your dream, not mine.

Cupcakes! Free cupcakes!

Come on, get them while they're hot!

[Cash register dings]