Original subtitles

Look at that. Dogs in the diner.

Where are we, Paris?

'Cause if we are, I'm gonna stop wearing deodorant.

Did you guys see that adorable dog?

You mean the one leaking rabies all over the table

while people are trying to eat?

She said he's allowed to be in here.

He's her registered emotional companion.

Her registered full-of-crap what?

He's got one of those official vests that says

"don't pet me, I'm working."

I have a shirt that says "federal bikini inspector,"

but there is simply no such branch of the U.S. government.

Hi, so, uh, what the hell is this?

Excuse me? I don't understand.

Dogs aren't allowed in the diner.

Oh, he's legally allowed to be here.

He's my registered emotional companion.

You mean you don't have a boyfriend.

No, I suffer from anxiety.

You mean you don't want to eat alone.

No, I have a note from a doctor.

You mean you have a printer and the Internet.

Admit it, and the dog can stay.

It's really hard meeting guys.

There's a good boy. I'll get you a cookie.

Is it just me, or does Han sound kind of sexy

when he speaks korean?

Looks like Han, sounds like Barry White.

Who was that, Han?

Do you have a hot, new korean girlfriend?

Yeah, someone who really likes you

and is $1.50 for the first minute

and $2 for each additional minute?

I was talking to my mother!

So... yes?

I was not talking hot. I was apologizing.

She's still angry I left home.

Does she know you buy your sweaters at build-a-bear?

Well, I don't know a lot about the korean culture,

but maybe you should stand up for yourself

and stop apologizing to your mother.

Yeah, what do you even have to apologize for?

You must have been the easiest birth ever.

She could've coughed you into a catcher's mitt.

I'm making a cappuccino, you want one?

Nope, I can't have any caffeine.

I have to keep my system clean. I'm doing a drug trial tomorrow.

Max, not one of those places

where they use you as a Guinea pig

to test for side effects of new drugs

that go on the market?

Or, as I like to call it, getting paid $500

to, uh, roll the side effects dice

and hope it lands on hallucinations.

I would never do something like that.

I consider my body a temple.

Didn't I see your "temple" eat a bag

of flaming hot cheetos two nights ago?

And that was a huge mistake.

I still have a little...

Burny heinie.

And besides, think of all the people who are

lowering their cholesterol safely because of me.

Or the people who aren't taking klamitra because of me.

I never heard of klamitra.

You're welcome.

I know klamitra.

Sexy black woman who teaches my spin class.

Uh, hello, uh, maybe you can help me.

I'm looking for Caroline channing.

I have a legal matter to discuss with her.

Never heard of her. Never seen her.

- Mr. hutchinson? - Never took an oath.

Oh, my God, Mr. hutchinson, hi.

I haven't seen you since my father's scandal broke

and they were dragging you out of your law offices.

Can I hug you? I mean, it's been so long

since I've seen anyone from my old life.

But, uh, not too hard.

Ever since the scandal, I've had acid reflux.

Didn't you used to be taller?

No, uh, prouder.

Oh, uh, Mr. hutchinson, this is my friend, Max.

Max, this is Leo hutchinson, one of my father's attorneys.

Oh, I've never known a lawyer

who wasn't court-appointed for me.

Well, except for the ones on law & order.

Have you ever been on that show?

No, I'm a real lawyer.

You look like someone who was on that show.

Are you sure you didn't represent

the woman who ate her child?

I've never represented anyone who ate their child.

On law & order.

Caroline, I'm sorry to drag you into this,

but the prosecutor is asking for you to give a deposition

regarding your father's case.

Anything I can do to help? I'm pretty courtroom savvy.

I mean, I haven't seen every episode of law & order,

just, like, 400 of them.

For instance, the, uh, judge's hammer?

Not called a hammer.

Reflux! Oh!

Sorry.

I just... I need to take a rylindia.

Ah, rylindia. Does that work?

- Hmm. - You're welcome.

Well, thank you for coming all the way out here.

I know I'm in good hands with you representing me.

Uh, well, Caroline, as much as I would love to help you

and your legal associate here,

uh, the firm won't let me do it for free.

I mean, your father's case bankrupted us practically,

and my standard rate is $1,100 an hour.

You know I don't have that kind of money.

Last week, I gave myself a bikini wax

with duct tape I stole from the diner.

I'm gonna need another rylindia.

Oh, don't take two of those in under an hour

unless you want to have an orgasm every time you yawn.

You're welcome again.

Mr. hutchinson, I need you to do this.

You can make this go away as easily as possible.

Please don't make me beg.

The floor's gross, and my skirt's too short.

Counselor, at this juncture,

I am going to need to take miss channing

and have a sidebar over near the bar bar.

How fun is this, by the way?

I'm, like, your lawyer now.

Oh, real fun. About as fun as that bikini wax.

And then I had to spend $14 on neosporin.

Don't worry, I know how you can make $500 in one night.

I've been telling her that since she got here.

Max, I am not doing a drug trial.

Besides, it's not enough money anyway.

No, but after I put in my $500,

plus we take $100 from the cupcake fund.

You would do that for me?

You know, I always thought we'd have to use

the cupcake money to get us out of a legal problem.

I just thought it'd be for you.

Me too!

Welcome aboard, drug buddy.

I can't believe I'm doing a drug trial.

I won't even use stevia.

It'll be fun!

Just think of it as a middle-school sleepover.

But with drugs.

Yeah, a middle-school sleepover.

So when you did this before,

you never got any side effects, right?

Well, no negative ones. I used to be an "a" cup.

Wow, everybody looks so normal.

This is more like sorority row than skid row.

Hi! I'm Katie.

Just found out there's three to a room,

and I was wondering if you guys have chosen a roomie yet.

Wait, there's three in a room?

Yeah, I know.

You want to be careful who you get.

Anyways, I'm a self-mutilator,

and, um, I was wondering if you could keep an eye on me.

Just wrestle anything out of my hands that's sharp.

Uh, you know what, Katie?

We are self-mutilators too.

So, uh, we kind of have our hands full.

Yeah, we're gonna be super-busy

self-mutilating ourselves.

No worries.

Max, you should have told me about the bed situation.

Untested experimental drugs is one thing,

but three to a room? That's barbaric!

It'll be fine!

We just have to pick the right girl.

What about, uh, the one in the raincoat?

She looks stuck-up,

like she'd talk about herself all night.

Yeah, we already got one of those.

What about, uh...

What about Bob Marley shirt?

She looks like she smells.

- Confirmed. - Right there.

That's who we want. She looks smart

and like she'd mind her own business.

Hey! What are you up to?

Nothing. Just minding my own business.

Hey, want to be our roommate?

Oh, I just said yes to a self-mutilator,

but I can get out of it.

She probably loves rejection.

All right, ladies, listen up!

- Hey, Max! - Hi, Toby.

Heads-up, me, her, and, uh...

Excuse me, what's your name?

Oh, it's cool,

we don't have to do, like, the name thing.

A girl after my own heart!

- We're roommates. - Got it.

Now, since most of you have done this before,

I'll make it quick.

Half of you will get a placebo.

The other half will be a testing a new drug called gladiva,

and no, that's not my stage name down at the clubs.

Okay, possible side effects

may occur over the next 24 to 48 hours.

They are... Drum roll please...

Headaches, vomiting, flatulence,

tongue-swelling, suicidal thoughts...

I'm having some right now.

- Itw... - Inability to walk.

Mm, I hope we get that 'cause that's the only thing

that's gonna keep me here.

And ru...

Relentless urination.

Fatigue, seizures...

Camel toe.

I'm kidding. That's my joke.

That's his joke.

Good, 'cause I was out the door.

Also, tg, eb, ccs...

You want me to explain those to you?

Not until you see one happening to me.

And A.L.

Anal leakage.

The Grande Dame of side effects.

Well, bottoms up.

Max, don't say that after "anal leakage."

See? This is fun!

Getting paid to eat cookies and play the game of life.

- Your turn. - What's the point?

Clearly, I've already lost the game of life

'cause I'm sitting in a drug trial

waiting for my "A" to "L".

Well, if your "A" does start to "L,"

you're on the bottom bunk.

I gotta pee.

Ruh-roh.

What?

Mm, it's probably nothing,

but she might be experiencing ru.

What's that again?

Relentless urination.

She just said she had to pee.

Yeah, that's relentless.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

"Ru" sure?

Okay, your turn to spin.

No more games.

I really want to be prepared for this deposition.

Can you read me the questions Mr. hutchinson sent?

Mm-hmm.

"State your full name."

Caroline Wesbox Channing.

Your middle name is "Wesbox"?

It was my grandfather's name.

It also might be a side effect.

"I just slept with a dude who gave me Wesbox!"

Max, can you just ask me the next question?

Do you have any owledge of investor capital

from the channing investment group

being transferred to offshore banks?

I had no knowledge of it.

- You're boring. - I'm boring?

I'm just saying, I'd change the channel.

This is a bad one.

Max, it's not law & order.

I'll say it isn't.

Look, tomorrow, you gotta give them something.

Open your shirt, hike up your skirt,

show them your Wesbox.

"Did you know anything about your father

- "illegally siphoning funds?" - No.

"Have you ever had any conversations

with your father regarding said transactions?"

No.

"Is your ass leaking right now?"

No.

Ruh-roh.

Nope.

How we doing, ladies?

Any side effects?

Max, are you awake?

Max!

Quiet, you're gonna wake up pissy spacek.

I can't sleep. My hearts keeps racing.

You should tell Toby. It's probably a side effect.

No, I'm nervous.

I can't stop thinking about the deposition

and about my father. Can I come down and talk?

Not a great time. I kind of have people over.

Get in here. What's wrong?

I'm scared about tomorrow.

I'm scared I'm gonna say the wrong thing

and make things worse for my father.

Look, all you have to do is answer the questions

as carefully as they suggested and then throw in a wink,

forget to wear panties. He'll be fine.

But that's the thing.

The questions don't say anything about my father.

They're so cut and dry.

They're only asking me details about things

I know nothing about,

and they're not interested in the things I do know about him.

That he's warm, and funny, and generous, and loving.

Like when I was little, and he and I

would take our plane to our chalet in deer valley.

Stop. You might as well rephrase that to

"when he and I would take our guilty

to our guilty in guilty valley."

Every morning, before we went skiing,

he would get up really early and make me

his snowflake cinnamon french toast.

Sounds amazing.

And as he dusted the cinnamon and sugar on top,

he'd say, "look, sweetheart, it's snowing,

snowing just for you."

And then he'd cut it into these little pieces...

See? I can't even get the words out.

No one will ever hear them. No one will know.

I'll know. I heard them.

Another round?

Yeah, I'm just gonna bring my pillow in there.

I don't think Gladiva's gonna make it to the market.

We'll be doing the deposition in here.

Oh, wow, this is exactly how it looks on law & order!

Ooh! Ooh!

There's the tiny typewriter thing

where the actress who never gets to speak sits!

Leo, Leo, take my picture near the tiny typewriter.

Ladies, ladies. We only have an hour.

We're already behind because you were late.

Sorry, we had to stop at the check-cashing place.

Yeah, and then a store to get diapers for a friend.

There, $1,000.

No fuss, and luckily, no muss.

Max, do you have the $100 from the cupcakes?

Yeah.

Uh, 40... 60... 80... 90...

5, 6, 7, and...

100.

Mr. hutchinson, are you having reflux?

No, I-it just became clear to me what I do for a living.

Okay, uh, Caroline,

if you're ready, I can bring them in.

Remember, just stick to the questions

and don't embellish.

I prepped her last night, Leo.

All right, let's go, Max.

Actually, I want her to stay.

I'm nervous, and she makes me feel better.

Yes, I'm her registered emotional companion.

Well, this is a legal proceeding,

and that's a highly unusual request.

But not improbable. We googled it.

Yeah, she's allowed to have an emotional companion,

as long as both attorneys agree.

Well, I graduated top of my class at Harvard,

but since you googled it, I'll try to make that happen.

No, I am unaware of any of the transactions

you just mentioned.

Thank you, miss channing.

Now, if you'll just bear with me a little while longer,

I only have a couple more pertinent questions.

Your voice is unbelievable.

You could be on law & order.

Max!

Withdrawn.

Miss channing, do you have any knowledge

of embezzlement of any kind taking place

at the channing investment group?

No, I had no knowl...

Of any su...

Could you repeat that?

Ruh-roh.

You're having a side effect!

Tongue swelling. Ts!

Uh, counselor, give us one second.

What is going on?

We took drugs.

Did she just say "we took drugs"?

Very good, Leo. You must play charades.

Look, we did a drug trial to get money for this.

What's the holdup, counselor?

Just give her some water. I had this once.

It goes away in an hour.

You said you never had

any side effects!

Oh, please. I died once.

I just didn't want to scare you.

Miss channing, are you aware of any accounts

opened under any names other than your father's?

Just drink the water.

One sec.

Uh, does anyone have a napkin or a bib?

$1,100, you gotta have a bib around here somewhere.

All right, what's going on here?

I was just, uh, informed my client

was part of a drug test within the last 24 hours.

Drug test, Leo? That's a good one.

Just another rich girl on drugs.

Get her into rehab, and we'll have to reschedule.

We'll have to do this another time.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no! She's right!

We don't have the money to do this another Tim

look, I can tell you right now, she does not know anything.

She doesn't know about the money,

she doesn't know about transactions.

She doesn't know anything about anything.

We are paid up for three more minutes,

and we are going to use them!

She can't talk, but I know what she would want to say.

Ladies and gentlemen of the... room,

she would want you to know who her father really is.

He used to make her snow toast!

And in her words, he was funny, smart,

and a generous lover.

Generous and loving!

Oh, sorry, yes, yes. Generous and loving.

Now, I don't know her father, and I have never met him...

And I would like you to put that on the record,

actress who's never allowed to talk...

But I do know her, and she's an amazing person.

And her father raised her alone,

so he must be an amazing person too.

Well...

That accomplished nothing.

Counselor, what do we do here?

We take a short recess until she can speak,

and resume the deposition, on me,

because her father is an amazing guy, and...

That's what they would do on law & order.

Fine, we'll break for an hour.

Seriously, you sound like a superhero's boss.

Max, you're the best.

I know. I did pretty good, right?

I should've gone to law school.

Or High School.

Permission to enter the judge's chambers?

Permission granted. Excuse the tubs of bleu cheese.

They're being held as evidence

in the case against eating here.

I wanted to thank you for everything you did.

And I know you were gonna buy yourself a treat

with the drug money...

Yeah, like drugs.

So I got you a little something.

It's the complete law & order box set!

No way!

That's not a little something. That's, like, $500.

Or $30 on the subway.

And the guy said most of them are in english.

Awesome!

Freezer adjourned.