All language subtitles for 2.Broke.Girls.S01E11.And.the.Reality.Check.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.DD5.1.h-264-BTN.eng

Sandwich, burger.

Why the big smile, Han?

You going commando
under those corduroys?

No, Max, I am happy today
because diner clientele

has finally changed for the better.

Look, two parties of cool hipsters

are sitting at tables near wall.

You think those are six hipsters?

Okay, let's go over
this one more time.

Hipster or homeless pop quiz, ready?

- Ready.
- Hipsters wear?

Skinny jeans.

- Homeless wear?
- Dirty jeans.

- Hipsters listen to?
- Radiohead.

- Homeless listen to?
- The voices in their head.

- Hipsters have?
- Beard and a blog.

- Homeless have?
- Beard and so much sadness.

I see sadness, there and there.

I'll handle this.

I told you before,
I don't want you kind in here.

Take a trendy hike.

Better step it up.
The apple store closes at ten.

Max, why did you
kick out the hipsters?

'Cause I could not
be in the background

of another Instagram photo.

Here's the last check, Earl.

And, Max, they stiffed us on the tip

but they forgot their camera.

Oh, I'll give it to Oleg.

He can take one of
his special pictures.

That way, when they
come back to get it,

everyone will have been stiffed.

Well, good night, ladies.

I gotta get home
before the snow starts.

It's not gonna snow, Earl,
it's 50 degrees.

Oh, it's gonna snow, trust me.

I couldn't tell
when my first wife was coming,

but I can sure tell
when a storm is coming.

All right, so what's the plan?

What are we gonna do if it does snow?

Opening my balcony doors
and watching it fall

like fresh white linen and
then running across the street

to the park to make snow angels.

Yeah, that's snow when you're rich.

The only snow angels
you'll see this year

are the six crack addicts
frozen to our stoop.

Oh, not to mention
the adorable frozen horse

we have illegally
living in the backyard.

Max, don't overreact.

Chestnut's fine.

It's not gonna snow for weeks.

All right, have it your way.

But I wouldn't want
to be the next tenants

who have to figure out
why a pissed off horse

is haunting a Brooklyn apartment.

I was cold and she thought
she knew weather patterns.

Oleg, take a picture of your
junk on this customer's camera.

Done.

Aren't you gonna ask why?

No need.

I just saw Oleg's...

Yeah, that might have been my fault.

Kind of a shock seeing it
for the first time.

Max, I don't like you implying

that I would ever
be cruel to Chestnut.

I'm not implying it.

I'm saying it outright.

It's winter.

And it's not like
I've not been thinking about it.

But Chestnut belongs
in a special home.

You belong in a special home.

I've done some research,

and I found a retreat
in the Grand Tetons

where newly-divorced women
come to hug horses

to help them gain back
their ability to trust.

The only Grand Tetons
Chestnut trusts are mine.

Lady, you gotta get
a reality check real quick

'cause Earl thinks it's gonna snow.

Earl also thinks the theme from shaft

was stolen from a cassette tape
he sent out in 1975.

Shut your mouth.
That happened.

Max, it's not gonna snow.

I know snow.

We owned a ski chalet
in Saas-Fee Switzerland

and I think I know more than
anyone in this restaurant

about living in cold climes.

Snow is coming.

Yo, Swiss miss, you wanna have
a conversation about cold climes

with Snowleg over there?

Oh, Max, I almost forgot.

The camera.

I think you'll be very pleased.

I made a little video as well.

Why are you wearing two coats?

Same reason I wear two condoms.

In case one breaks.

What the?

Well, good morning,
world's worst weather girl.

I have never seen so much sunshine.

You know what that means?

Earl wrote shaft.

Max, I know it snowed,
you don't have to tell me.

I'm surrounded by so much white
stuff I'm like Al Pacino

in the last scene of Scarface.

What are you wearing?

You look like a bag of
crazy garbage grew arms.

It's the hefty 2011
winter collection.

I gave Chestnut my coat.

This is the only way
to keep the snow off me.

Look at poor Chestnut.

What is he wearing on his hooves?

I cut up my Fendi cashmere leggings.

I grabbed them when we
raided the town house.

I thought ahead for me,
but not for him.

He is humiliated in
those ladies clothes.

He looks like j. Edgar hoover.

I've been out here
sweeping since 4:00 A.M.

But it just keeps coming down.

What is your problem, snow?

I used to love you!

Maybe we should ask your old doorman

"insert generic
Irish name here" to come help.

I know their names.

Day James, night James
and black James.

So your plan is you're gonna
sweep the snow away till spring

while the horse
is trapped under this tarp?

Which I'm pretty sure was
covering the out of business

Cuban restaurant down the street.

They were out of business
and I left a note.

What did it say?
"I'm loco, gracias."

No, it said, "sorry I took
your roof, hang in there.:

Max, don't be so negative.

Doesn't matter where
it came from, it's working.

I just need to secure
this tarp a little.

Stop, you were gonna climb on

an icy chair in six inch heels
and break your neck

and then I'm gonna be stuck
with a horse in leggings

and you in a wheelchair
with a chopstick in your mouth

tapping out, "I'm sorry,
I thought that would work."

I learned to build when I volunteered

with habitat for humanity.

Looking back, they had
so much more than I have now.

Okay.

I gotta go to my babysitting job

and when I get back,
you and I are gonna sit down

and come up with
a more realistic home

for j. Edgar hoofer.

Max, he lives here.

And I'm telling you, this is working.

What I'm doing is
actually kind of brilliant.

Now I'm worried about
those houses you built.

Hey, Peach.

Max, I have the most incredible news.

Lawyer finally found
a loophole in your prenup?

I wish, no.

I just got an email

and I have made it to the final round

of casting for
Real Housewives of Tribeca.

Real Housewives of Tribeca?

They're doing neighborhoods now?

What's next, Real Housewives
of from here to there?

The producers are on their
way over and I want everything

to be perfect when they see
Brad and Angelina.

Uh, Peach, are you aware
that your children

are being eaten by clothing?

The snowsuits are Burberry.

And the padding hides
Angelina's weight problem.

Okay, you have to stop saying that.

She doesn't have a weight problem.

She's gained 25 pounds in one year.

Yeah, 'cause she started at zero.

Max, we all have
to look our best, 'cause ready?

The last spot in the show is
between me and Misty Mastbaum.

I thought she was your bestie.

She is, but my bestie's a bitchy.

She's crazy competitive.

As soon as we were
approached about the show,

she adopted a three-legged corgi
and named it Mr. Pickle.

That's crazy bitchy.

So now, I'm looking up
handicapped animals

to impress the producers.

Oh, you want a handicapped animal?

I got your handicapped animal.

I know a homeless horse
with gender identity issues.

I was thinking
something cute, but damaged.

Like a one-eyed French bulldog.

What if I told you that this
horse was a celebrity horse?

Tell me more.

My friend, Caroline Channing...

How do you know Caroline Channing?

She's my AA sponsor.

Makes sense.

Go on.

Anyway, she has this cute,
but crazy damaged horse

and since her life
flipped upside down,

he needs a good home.

Well, I'd have
to meet Caroline first.

Bring her by on Saturday.

Max, what an amazing idea.

Misty is literally going to die.

I am so thrilled
you have a drinking problem.

Did you have to
put him in my bedroom?

It was the easiest room
to horse proof.

You have so little of worth.

You can stop googling.
I already found

a perfectly good place to put him.

You're not still suggesting
I give Chestnut to Peach Landis?

Max, look at me.
Look at me in the eyes.

Are you high?

No, I couldn't find my bedroom stash

since you moved everything around.

Chestnut needs a home with affection

and Peach won't even
hug her children.

She pays you to do that.

That's why it's perfect.

She'll pay for the fancy stable

and we'll go and hug Chestnut
for her whenever we want.

You just need to
go meet her and it's done.

I have the DNA of a rich girl,

even though I'm lying in bed
with you in a tenement

and I bought
my dinner tonight with dimes.

Chestnut and I are old money.

And old money doesn't
parade itself around

in front of cameras
and beg for attention.

Hey, you're not
the only one with old money.

I've had a dollar in my jeans

I've been carrying around
for three weeks.

You're meeting Peach Saturday,

and we're saying good-bye
to the horse.

Why is getting rid
of Chestnut so easy for you?

Didn't you ever
have a pet as a child?

Yes, I had a puppy.

And after a week
of living with my mom,

he pulled the car over and put
us out on the side of the road.

She got rid of it?

Look, pets are not my thing, okay?

I already have
something needy and Fluffy

that'll die if I don't
take care of it... you.

Go, it's your turn
to go check on him.

No, I went the last time
and caught him eating my bra.

Don't exaggerate.
He only ate half of it.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're right,
I should be more positive.

One of my cups is half full.

What's going on in there?

I don't suppose there's any way

you took a giant dump
on your dresser?

You can't blame Chestnut.
He's probably nervous.

After wearing your leggings,

he's getting ready
for his fame audition.

He's a maniac, maniac on all fours.

Oh, Max, here's something.

The Ivy bridge
riding stables in Brooklyn.

Only five Miles away.

It says on their website
that their horses

are featured in
commercials and films!

Can you say Chestnut,
star of the war horse sequel?

Did you take the weed
from my bedside table?

Look at me.

Look at me in the eyes.

Are you high?

Honestly... a little.

Close that and go to sleep.

No, I'm still reading.

Oh look at that, I just pulled
down your browser history.

Interesting list.

Kitten plays a keyboard,

kitten sneezes and
farts at the same time?

Give me that, that's private.

Kitten folds a t-shirt!

Oh, kitten rings a doorbell.

I thought you said
you weren't into pets.

I'm not!

It's a kitten ringing a doorbell!

He's trying to get in like people.

You have a secret
soft spot for animals.

No, I'm just into freaky kittens.

There's one who puts on
a snakeskin suit

and goes on a business trip.

That's not soft.
That is freaky.

Fine, you're telling me to get
a reality check about Chestnut.

But you need one too.

You're gonna miss him when he's gone.

Max, are you listening?

Max, don't worry.

I know it's all
gonna work out perfectly

at the stables tomorrow.

I'm not worried.

The man's not here yet.

Damn it, turn us around Max,
we have to enter again.

This is the third time.

Max, come on, we borrowed
these coats from Oleg

to make a dramatic star entrance.

If you want me to fake it again,

you have to buy me dinner
and call me pretty.

Fine, then help me down quickly.

I don't wanna be mid-dismount
when the stable guy walks in.

God, ugh.

You just sat on my face.

Like I haven't done enough for you.

Oh, hello, are you Tony?

Last time I checked.

Oh, jeez.

I'm Caroline Channing.
We spoke on the phone.

And this is Chestnut.

Max, step back.

Oh, great.
I'll just be over here

like the awkward father
in the background

on Toddlers and Tiaras.

Well, here he is.

And as we discussed,
Chestnut is a champion jumper

his dressage is impeccable,

he's ribboned three times
at the Hampton Classic,

and he comes from
a historically elite line

of distinguished show horses.

And he pees like
a civil rights fire hose.

Max, step further back.

Come on, let's cut to the chase.

He's nice, brown,
he looks sick in leggings,

and he's free,
so take him or leave him.

When'd you say he was a jumper?

From 2005 to 2010.

He was in a class by himself.

Well, maybe he was a jumper,

but he isn't anymore.

What?

Well, he's a little out of shape.

Well, you have a gut.

Whoa! I'm just saying
he's seen better days.

I'm just saying your hair
is falling out in fistfuls.

- Whoa!
- Okay, okay.

Let's not get personal,
we all want this to work.

He's the one who's getting personal

going after Chestnut like that.

Okay, you tell me,

when's the last time he's exercised?

When's the last time you exercised?

Wow, show business is rough.

All right, it's Tony, right?

Last time I checked.

All right, Tony,
you'll have to forgive her.

She really loves him
and wants this to work out.

Bottom line is,
even a free horse isn't free.

I still have to feed him
and take care of him

and truth be told, this horse
isn't gonna make me a penny.

If my film guy comes in here,
he's gonna pick that beauty

over this one.

Oh.

So it's not gonna work out, girls.

All right, well, we got
other offers, fatty.

Come on, let's go.

You know, maybe next time
before you let someone

ride five Miles across
Brooklyn in a toxic, Russian,

cologne-soaked rent-a-fur,

you should be clear
that the film business,

even for horses,
is ageist and elitist.

And, yes, we may have
seen better days,

but with hard work,
determination and a little luck,

one day we'll be back on top.

Yeah, and I'm not impressed by
your big star pony over there.

He's just standing still.

You wanna impress me?

Have him meow and ring the doorbell.

Don't take it personally, Chestnut.

Those horses have had work done.

maybe you wanna take the cinch
sack off before you meet Peach.

No it's snowing again
and I'm a penniless beggar.

I should look like one.

Besides, she'll probably
think it's a look.

All right, I know this one on one

with Peach isn't your ideal scenario,

but it's what's best for Chestnut

so man up and face reality.

You're right.

And my friend, Caroline Channing...

What is it?

You might be ready to face reality,

but are you ready to face reality TV?

The place is crawling
with Peach clones

and TV cameras ready to meet you.

She totally set us up.

Are you kidding me?

Fabulous, this is awesome,
just awesome.

She's using the Caroline
Channing freak show

to get herself on another freak show.

All right, you're right, let's
go, you don't have to do this.

No, if I made Chestnut parade around

and be humiliated in public,

then I have to be
willing to do the same.

Here, hold my coat.

You always have those with you?

Yes, I'm from Manhattan.

- Okay, thank me for coming.
- What?

Thank me for coming, that's
what people did all the time

when I was a billionaire.

Thank you for coming.

No, thank you for inviting me.

Wow, that's so cool.

Don't freak out.

I'm about to get my rich on.

So when we go in there
I'll introduce you?

Oh, you don't have to.

Rich people always pretend

to know each other.

Now open that door,

and let's get my baby a home.

Peach.

I wanna thank you for inviting
me into your beautiful home

and showing me such kindness

during this very difficult,
difficult time.

Ladies, I would like you all to meet

my dear friend, Caroline Channing.

Who, in light of her recent
very difficult, difficult

financial troubles, has asked me
to adopt her damaged pet horse

who was brought to my attention
by my alcoholic servant, Max.

Right over there.

Caroline,

thank you for coming.

No, thank you for inviting me.

I'm proud of you.

No, I'm proud of you.

I just got the chills again.

Oh, Max, look at him.

He's smiling.

He likes this place.

Yeah, it's almost worth you
being humiliated on reality TV.

Oh, I'll never be on that show.

I didn't sign the release.

What?

Old money don't sign.

You're gonna love it here, huh?

Aren't you gonna love it here?

A nice big stable.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Maybe I should come home and
live with my best friend, Max.

What about Caroline?

She can sleep under the tarp.

So I guess you found your weed.

No, this is just something we
do when we're alone together.

It's kind of our thing.

You really love Chestnut, don't you?

He's all right.

He's no kitten.

Okay, I'll see you soon, Chestnut.

You want a minute alone?

I'll be out front.

Hey.

This is probably gonna
seem ridiculous to you

because you're a horse
and I'm just some lady

that's been slipping you carrots
for the last few months, but...

I really got attached to you.

This is way more than most
horses get out of me.

I wasn't even this upset when
they discontinued tan m&ms.

I, um...

I really haven't had much
go right for me in my life,

and I'm pretty sure things are
gonna keep getting worse but,

you were a good thing.

And when everything sucked,

you were the best thing we had going.

And you're fuzzy too.

You're so fuzzy, and no one can argue

that touching a warm, fuzzy
thing isn't straight up lovely.

So, thank you for everything
you did for us, but...

Especially for being fuzzy.

Max, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine, I'll always be fine.

Are you crying?

Yeah, I'm crying,

'cause I wish I could live here.

Don't worry, we'll come visit,

and we'll find a way
to bring him home in the spring.

Come on.
I have a pocket full of dimes.

Let's go get
some convenience store taquitos

and wash 'em down with
blue raspberry wine coolers.

They're on sale at the bodega.

Two four packs for five dollars.

You know exactly what to say
to cheer a broke sista up.

And when we get home, I found a video

of a kitten singing Bruno Mars.