Original subtitles

Pick up. Table ten, table 12, table 69.

Oleg, there is no table 69.

There could be.

Oleg just sixty-nined me,

and now I don't remember any of the table numbers.

Look, he's never gonna stop sixty-nining us.

Forget the table numbers.

Here's how you remember your orders.

You just give people nicknames.

Look, I got thin cee lo,

fat rihanna, jon beret ramsey,

and kristen bad wig.

Oh, okay.

I got seth rogaine,

child molester moustache,

and lesbian justin bieber.

- Good. - Thanks.

Pick up. Table six.

...ty-nine.

So can I get you anything else?

Coffee? Dessert? Morning-after pill?

Okay.

Getting it on in a restaurant.

I once made love to a young angela lansbury

in a booth just like that.

Murder she wrote?

more like "harder she begged."

Earl, why isn't everyone you?

Yo, what's up, mama?

Oh, hey, johnny.

Usual? Two coffees to go?

Yeah, and can I get two of your cupcakes?

Which two?

You know which two.

The discounted day-olds?

Yeah, girl.

Hey, my bro and friend.

Hey, what's up, big guy?

Max, your boyfriend is here.

'cause who doesn't?

Well, your face gets red when you see him,

and you suddenly act like nice person.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

He doesn't know what love is.

The only thing he ever loved was a stepladder.

Johnny, here's your stale cake and burnt coffee.

Just how I like it. What do I owe you?

It's on me.

You wish it was on you.

There's nothing going on.

He just comes in here to get coffee

because he tags billboards all night.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Listen, renaissance fair,

why don't you be a good wench and clean up your counter?

Until the cupcake business takes off,

i'm just gonna have to find a temp job online.

Can I close this window that says "mexican painkillers"?

Yeah, yeah, but, uh, bookmark it first.

Here we are. Craigslist. Okay.

How does this job sound?

Disgusting and depraved.

You didn't even hear it yet.

Did I not hear "craigslist"?

Oh. Here's something easy I could do.

A professional organizer.

You're not a professional organizer.

You're barely a professional waitress.

I am a genius at organizing things

and getting them out of the way.

I recently lost all my money and the promise of a bright future,

and I've organized that into a file in my head

labeled "do not open until you are stronger."

If I can handle that for myself,

I can certainly handle a stranger's light filing.

If I had known all that craziness

was going on in your head,

I would have ordered you some mexican pain killers.

Or the peruvian.

They're stronger,

but sometimes they make you lose control of your hands.

Thought that was an ibuprofen.

What is johnny doing here at 3:00 a. M.?

Thought it was a rapist or something.

Rapists don't knock and wave.

And if they looked like that, we wouldn't call them rapists.

We'd call them... Johnny!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to talk to you guys

about the church of latter day saints.

And I have to pee. Can I use your bathroom?

No problem. Don't forget to tip the bathroom attendant.

What's up, caroline?

Just trying to find a day job

where I won't get handcuffed to a radiator.

On craigslist?

This is so romantic.

Jumping over the back wall

to drop down and see you in the middle of the night?

It's very romeo and juliet.

it is very romeo and juliet.

He has to pee, and I'm the nearest toilet.

Please. That's just an excuse.

The man defaces buildings. And what?

He draws the line at peeing on them?

He came by here to see you.

Pull your hair back. It's kind of in your face.

Pull yourself back. You're kind of in my face.

Thanks, guys.

I was tagging a building nearby,

and while I was on the roof

I saw that your light was on,

so I thought I'd stop in and say hey.

- Hey. - So, johnny,

you just saw our light on from the roof nearby?

Interesting.

Do you always look down when you're up that high?

Not really.

Interesting.

Flying solo tonight. My lookout guy went into rehab.

It's kind of a pain.

It's really a two-person operation.

Ugh, such a bummer when people

can't handle their heroin.

Hey, max, what are you doing tomorrow night after work?

Any desire to be my lookout guy?

I might have some desire to be your lookout guy,

but as far as the "guy" part of "lookout guy" goes,

full disclosure-

What, you don't have a penis?

Oh, I have one.

In a drawer in my bedroom.

If the cops come tomorrow,

I will run like a girl.

Okay. So pick you up at the diner at 2:00?

- Cool. - Cool.

Cool.

And then romeo left.

So romantic. All the weeks of flirting and game playing

have finally led to this-

You two on a late-night roof rendezvous.

Hey, genius organizer,

why don't you put all that garbage in a file labeled

"I've seen too many katherine heigl movies"?

I'm just saying, he likes you.

He likes you with his penis.

There. 3f.

All right. You're here.

Goodbye. Go organize.

No, I said you have to wait

until I open the door and check out if it's safe.

It's my day off. You're the one with the job.

And you're the one who freaked me out so much

about going into a stranger's apartment.

What did I say that was so bad?

You told me he'd cut off my face

and wear it as a party hat.

I said... "probably."

Probably cut off your face.

Nothing bad is gonna happen to you, okay?

Okay.

It's a safe-enough looking building, right?

Yes.

Look, they have those hallway trash chutes.

That's probably how he'll get rid of your faceless body!

You're right. I'm fine. Go.

Caroline's second job. So proud.

Call me if you freak out or anything.

How am I gonna call you without a face?

I'm fine. I'm not gonna call you.

Hello, it's caroline, the professional organizer.

Hello? Someone called for an organizer?

Hello?

Oh, no. Oh, hell no.

Max, come back!

Hurry up. This is so exciting!

What are you talking about?

I'm not going back in there.

He's a hoarder. A hoarder.

It's a bad reality show.

Hey, that is a great reality show.

but it's not good reality reality.

The only thing I love more than hoarders

are people who are too fat to fit through doors.

Tell me the hoarder has to grease his sides

to get through the door.

You won't have to get me a birthday present.

Are you kidding me?

They should charge admission for this.

It's hoarders 3d- The experience.

It's like going to an imax.

It's my max!

ooh!

Save yourself. Go on without me.

Oh, god.

What is that pile over there?

It's hard to tell what is what.

It's either a- An old shag carpet

or a mass grave of dead muppets.

No way. Let's get out of here.

We still have our faces. Why would we leave?

And besides, you need this money.

Look around.

There might be stuff here they don't want

that we can sell on ebay.

Look. You know someone's gonna want a fish tank

full of doll heads.

Yeah, someone with a fish tank full of doll bodies.

Last year I owned a yacht named the caroliner,

and now I'm considering selling doll heads on ebay.

I'll be organizing that thought in a file in my head

labeled "don't open ever."

Okay.

There's a heavy clown presence in this room.

It's unsettling, and I'm obsessed with it.

I want both more and less of the clowns.

Um, hello? Anyone here?

Oh, hey, i'm over here.

I'm sorry. Where?

By the papers.

Which papers?

The papers near the papers.

Oh, my god. I love this!

Um, hi. Caroline? We spoke yesterday.

There's a lot more to organize here

than you led me to believe on the phone,

so we're gonna have to renegotiate our price.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

I was hired to organized some papers,

not clean up katrina.

What's he look like?

Please tell me he needs to be buried in a piano box.

I don't know. I can't see him through the truck.

It's an rv, and it's a collectible.

It's where I keep my raisins.

So how much more, then?

Um, a hundred a day. For both of us.

And we get to keep the horse head made out of soda cans.

Why would we want that?

We don't. It's for chestnut.

Every horse wants a friend made out of cans.

You got a deal.

Okay. We'll get to work then.

Okay. Let's not get overwhelmed.

We'll take it one step at a time.

Let's start small.

Happy birthday to me.

Whoo, max. Well, look at you.

Starting the night at the end of the night.

This is the first time I've seen you

out of the prison uniform.

You look beautiful.

Oh, earl, let's get married.

What are you staring at? It's just clothes.

Max, you look like a lady.

Tonight when I dream of having sex with you,

as always, this time I will ask you to stay.

Max, you look perfect for your date.

- It's not a date. - It is.

No, it's not.

It's booty call.

There is a fresh, white billboard.

I'm climbing it with my friend,

and we're putting up his artwork.

Booty call on billboard.

If it's after 2:30,

call is for the dirty.

What's that from?

Dr. Seuss' "oh, the places you'll put it in"?

Okay, boys, break it up.

Go about your business. Nothing to see.

Max.

Max and johnny's first date. So proud.

It's not a date.

Be home at 11:00... a.m.

Uh, max, you got protection?

No, I've got it.

Me too.

Oh, sorry. That is pack of gum.

Can we take these masks off now?

Whoo. It is hot up in that bunny.

Are we wearing these

so no one'll be able to pick us out of a lineup?

Yeah, that.

And I always wanted to see a rat with big boobs.

Well, here he is.

All right. Now for the most crucial part of the art process,

beer break.

That makes sense.

Been here four minutes.

Hmm.

Ooh. Gentleman.

Look over there. You can see manhattan.

Oh, yeah.

She's a bitch.

Always shoving her stuff in your face.

You can never have it.

Yeah.

I'd never want to live in manhattan.

- 'Cause you can't afford it? - Yeah.

She is beautiful, though.

Yeah, she is.

Well, we should get back to work.

Bunny's gotta hop.

How many more times do you need to hear it?

He didn't kiss me.

Maybe it wasn't the right time.

Overlooking the new york skyline,

a hundred feet in the air, bathed in moonlight?

Yeah, that's a crappy time.

Maybe he didn't want to make a move

because he doesn't know you like him.

I leaned in. I leaned for a kiss.

Maybe you had a breath situation.

What did you eat? What had you eaten?

Nothing.

Okay, but sometimes when you don't eat, it's worse,

because you start to grind up your feelings.

Then you get stomach breath.

I wouldn't kiss ryan gosling with stomach breath.

- Yes, you would. - Yes, I would.

I'm finally making progress on the papers.

Oh, no, fdr died of polio.

Oh, look. They cured polio.

Jackpot. This place is a freakin' cat factory.

And they're alive. How refreshing.

There's, like, 45 kittens in this box,

and I think one of these kittens just had kittens.

Kittens having kittens.

Hey, douglas, we found some kittens.

Those are not my kittens.

Okay. What about this mountain of butterfinger wrappers?

those are my wrappers.

I need those.

I haven't even seen him yet. I love this show.

Douglas, if you're comfortable

with me selling all this sort-of-valuable stuff on ebay,

why do you need to keep a box full of butterfinger wrappers?

I don't want to think about it!

See, max?

This is what happens when you don't deal with your feelings.

You start collecting butterfinger wrappers,

and next thing you know you're an old lady in a rest home,

and you're thinking "why didn't he kiss me?"

why didn't he kiss me?

I don't know.

Why didn't you kiss him?

You obviously like him, right?

Max, stop hoarding your feelings.

Just admit that you like him.

I like him.

Okay, good.

There's one box of butterfinger wrappers gone.

What?

Douglas, it's a metaphor.

So next time you see him, why don't you just kiss him?

I don't know if I can kiss him first.

Just kiss him already!

Wait, there's another person in here?

Butt out, ma.

Those are my kittens, young lady.

Hold up. He's hoarding another hoarder in here?

Awesome.

I can't believe you put

the platypus foot rest in the trash.

On ebay we could get at least three to six dollars for it.

I'm gonna tell you this one more time.

It's a opossum, and it died at least three to six years ago.

Oh, my god. There's johnny.

This is a katherine heigl movie.

What are you guys doing in this neighborhood?

Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt you,

but what the hell's going on here?

This is, uh...

I'm cassandra, his girlfriend.

Who are you?

I'm max, and, um, that's how I say hi to everyone.

I'm incredibly friendly.

She's so friendly.

Here's table ten, earl.

Are you okay, max?

Rumor has it that you had your heart broken.

I didn't have my heart broken.

And that's why I don't listen to rumors.

Max, I want to announce I have ended my bromance

with your boyfriend, johnny.

I hate the player as well as the game.

Never was my boyfriend.

I would like to offer myself for rebound sex.

Or, if not, I can just beat the crap out of him.

Caroline, did you have to tell everyone?

I'm sorry, but I'm not keeping that up in my head.

I'm not going butterfingers.

I can't believe he has a girlfriend.

Are you happy now?

You got me to admit that I like him,

and then you got me to kiss him.

And then I kissed his beautiful girlfriend,

who is black and british,

the two cool things I can never be.

I'm sorry, but he led you on.

Oh, did he?

I think you and douglas' mother led me on.

This is not my fault.

He's the one who's hoarding women.

Hi.

Yeah, you must be to come back in here.

Can we talk?

Pick up, max.

Table three, table nine.

Table 69.

Not a good time.

- Max, look... - Johnny, stop.

You don't need to "max, look" me.

It's cool. You never led me on.

You never put your hands on me.

You never even kissed me.

Food!

Hey, better make sure he doesn't have a girlfriend

who's beautiful, black, and british.

Max, look, I wanted to kiss you.

I want to kiss you.

I just didn't want to be the guy who did it

when he's with someone else.

Look, max, I didn't know you were gonna come into my life.

I didn't know I was gonna have these feelings for you,

but all of a sudden it's "max" all the time in my head.

Cassandra and I have or-or had something,

and there is or was love there,

and-and I don't know what I'm supposed to do

with all my feelings for you.

Johnny, I just spent two days

wading through someone else's garbage,

and, quite frankly, I don't have the time or the energy

to go through all the clowns and candy wrappers

you've got going on up in there.

And the next time you invite someone

to a booty call on a billboard...

It wasn't a booty call.

I think everyone knows

if it's after 2:30, the call is for the dirty.

And p.s., we've known each other six months,

and you never told me you had a girlfriend.

You should have worn the rat mask.

And that's all she wrote.

Silver lining time?

We didn't have to change

douglas and his mother's diapers?

We made $240 for the cupcake business

selling all that crap on ebay.

Yup. I made some money, and all I lost was my mind.

Want to hear something you don't want to hear?

I think what johnny said to you was beautiful.

You think a squirrel holding an acorn is beautiful.

He didn't touch you or kiss you

because he didn't want to start a relationship

with you out of a lie.

You know what? You're right.

You've been right all along.

It is like romeo and juliet.

And now I'm gonna go home and kill myself.

I don't think romance is in the cards for me.

I give guys blue balls, not broken hearts.

Oh, my god. Don't kill yourself yet, juliet.

I definitely think romance is in your cards.

That's not me.

That's not his girlfriend.

Come on, will you at least admit that that's you

and that he put it up there because he wanted you to see it?

And that's actually incredibly romantic.

Oh, yeah. That's the most romantic picture

of a guy who might be kissing someone

who might look like me,

but he didn't because he has a hot british girlfriend

who seems like kind of a bitch,

but is kind of cooler than I will ever be.

I dare you to organize that thought.

There's no one cooler than you.

You're 200 feet tall.

Yeah, and a bird just took a crap on me.

Come on.

Come on.