Original subtitles

[ Joe Cocker's "With a Little Help From My Friends" plays ]

♪ Baby ♪

♪ high with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ said I'm gonna make it with my friends ♪

♪ try with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ oh, oh, I'm gonna keep on tryin' ♪

♪ get by with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on tryin', now, babe ♪

♪ ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[ Wagner's "bridal chorus" plays ]

It seems to me

A wedding means something different to everyone.

To some, it's an occasion for simple pleasures.

And for others, a wedding's implications are more profound.

[ snoring ]

For some, it's a time for contemplation.

For others, a time for regrets.

A chance to measure just how far we've come in life...

So beautiful.

Against the promise of those just starting out.

We are gathered here today

To join candy and peter in holy matrimony.

Who gives this bride away?

I do.

The bride was the daughter

Of Arthur Jensen, my Dad's boss.

Fortunately for my father, Jensen liked him enough

To send an invitation to him and his immediate family.

Unfortunately for me, I qualified as immediate family.

For richer or poorer, for better or worse,

In sickness, and in health...

[ coins clatter ]

- ...Till death do you part? - Can it!

I do.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

[ Mendelssohn's "wedding march" plays ]

Mm. Mm.

And with that,

Miss Candy Jensen became Mrs. Peter Rotelli.

And my mother completely lost it.

[ sobbing ]

[ Sobbing ]

Norma, you okay? It's been 20 minutes.

Weddings always do this to me.

Weddings, bar mitzvahs,

Detergent and fabric softener in one...

It was just so beautiful! They're so perfect together.

I guess you could say we were all pretty impressed.

I just want to get this over with.

Me too.

What are you talking about?

Don't you know weddings are the best places to meet babes?

Yeah, right. Like you'd know.

[ Chuckles ]

In order...

Weddings, uh, funerals,

Uh, airport lounges, uh, laundromats...

But Wayne's field experience aside,

That day, I was looking to forget about women.

- ...Bus stops, uh... - Well, one woman, anyway.

You know very well what you did,Kevin.

What?!

Honest to god, if you asked me today,

I couldn't tell you what I'd done.

Winnie, what did I do?

- [ Scoffs ] - Just give me a little hint.

Maybe if you just slowed down a little,

You wouldn't need a hint.

But, Winnie, I...

And don't tell me you love me. It's not gonna work.

And there you had it... tried, convicted, and hung,

All of which led me to...

This.

Public auctions, uh, taxi stands,

Animal shelters.

In matters of women and weddings,

I was pretty sure where I stood.

[ sighs ] I hate this.

[ Blows nose, continues sobbing ]

Arnolds! [ Laughs ]

Art Jensen.

When it came to my family, he was all heart.

Norma. Oh, Norma, look at you.

[ Cork pops ] ohh.

- And when it came to my mother... -Oh!

He was all hands.

Ahh... Norma, Norma, Norma.

When are you gonna leave this guy and run away with me, huh?

- Uh, Arthur... - [ Laughs ]

Jackie boy, good to see you.

Where's Beverly?

Well, she's crying her eyes out in the bathroom.

She's so happy.

I spent three months' salary on this wedding...

My own wife's not gonna see it.

[ Chuckles ]

- You remember Kevin, our youngest. - I do.

- Kevin. - Hi.

And Wayne.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne.

Wayne, this may not be the best place to tell you, but...

Well, w-we're cutting back at Norcom,

And we're gonna have to let you go.

Just kidding! [ Laughs ]

Just kidding, Wayne!

[ Groans ]

[ laughs ]

Candy, you remember Wayne from work, don't you?

Actually, I don't believe we've ever met.

Well, sure we have.

We went out last august, remember?

Uh... No.

[ Clears throat ] thank you, Arthur.

- Beautiful wedding. - Thank you for coming, Jack!

And with that, the festivities got under way.

- You look beautiful. - Officially.

Not that I was a stranger to these things.

I knew the drill... the fake smiles, the small talk...

Hi!

The incredible women...

Linda Carr.

Hi. Kevin.

Kevin Arnold.

Hi, Kevin-Kevin Arnold.

So... Quite a place, huh?

And how about that ceremony?

Hey, nothing wrong with being friendly, right?

This is aunt Muriel.

Aren't you a peach!

I was just gonna say

I couldn't shake another hand if you paid me.

But for you, I'll make an exception.

[ Chuckles ]

[ "Bad, bad Leroy brown" plays ]

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

All in all, it was clear

This night was gonna be some fun.

There was mixing and dancing and music...

Such as it was.

♪ bad, bad Leroy brown ♪

There was food and flowers and booze everywhere.

♪ baddest man in the whole damn town ♪

People who could barely walk got up and danced.

Small children skidded across the floor like hockey pucks.

And friendly folk from all walks of life

Sat down to break bread.

Since we'll be sharing a table together,

I think we should introduce ourselves.

Somehow... I couldn't wait.

I'll start. My name is Morgan.

I enjoy old movies and listening to albums.

I'm also pre-law.

I'm Cynthia. I'm pre-med. [ chuckles ]

And how about you?

I'm Wayne.

Pass the A1.

Yeah, nothing like the patented Arnold ice-breaker.

I'm missing an ovary.

What?

I like to be right up front about it

Because it really doesn't bother me at all.

That's good.

Hi. Everybody having a good time?

- Great. - You look beautiful.

You're so lucky, candy.

[ Sighs ] are you enjoying yourself, Kevin?

Yeah.

It's...

[ cork pops ] it's...

It's great.

Well, good.

Uh, don't forget, there's more food over at the...

Hi.

Uh [chuckles] at the, uh... Buffet... Table.

I guess she didn't see me.

Yeah.

Does anyone mind if I take this centerpiece?

They just throw it out at the end anyway.

So much for dinner.

I decided to lay low, remain inconspicuous...

♪ for once I can say this is mine, you can't take it ♪

You know, blend in with the crowd.

♪ I got love, I can make it ♪

[ clears throat ]

Though, while I was blending...

Come on. Dance with me one time, please? Just one time.

- Maybe later, Arthur, I promise. - Later? Why?

Mom was fending...

Come on. One dance, all right?

- Oh! - Oh!

For all she was worth.

[ laughs ] that's okay. That's all right. No problem.

Hi, Kevin-Kevin Arnold.

Oh! Hi.

It's just "Kevin," you know.

So, having the time of your life?

Yeah, it's great.

Well, I'm just bored crazy.

You know, I think couples should do everyone a favor

And just elope.

Yeah. I know what you mean.

Please don't walk away,

And I promise I'll say something interesting.

So, how old are you, anyway?

Let's see, here.

19.

Excellent.

I'm a sophomore at state.

Oh, a state man, huh?

Yep. That's me.

You know what would be a lot of fun...

That is, if you're a fun guy.

Are you a fun guy, Kevin-Kevin?

Yeah. Sure.

I love fun.

Well, um...

You got any grass?

Grass?

Here?

Yeah, I stashed a kilo in the hat-check room.

Sorry. Fresh out.

Hmm. That's too bad.

That would have been fun.

Well... Bye!

It may have been a turning point.

Sure, I had Winnie. But this was a wedding.

And if weddings were a time for romance,

A time for possibility,

A time when we might embrace the unexpected...

Linda.

Then this was my time.

Yeah?

I think I can get us some champagne.

Meet me at the gazebo in half an hour. Okay?

Sure. The gazebo.

Whatever that was.

And suddenly, with Linda's words,

Everything changed.

The annoying guests, Arthur Jensen...

All became none other than harmless prologue

To the day's main event.

There was no other way to put it...

Things were definitely looking up.

♪ I am invincible ♪

As afternoon turned into night,

Things began to change.

The music got slower, the champagne flowed,

Romance took center stage...

For Arthur Jensen, anyway.

Norma, this dress really flatters you.

[ Sighs ] it's nothing.

Nothing?

If this is nothing, I'd like to see something.

Oh!

As for me...

Bartender!

I was on a mission.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Just one little hitch.

Hey, what does it take to get a drink around here?!

Hey, Kev.

Dad!

What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, shouldn't you be dancing

With mom... Or someone?

Can't... she's already dancing.

Your wife's a regular ballerina out there, Jack.

Now, look at you... you're standing around here.

What's the matter? Your corns acting up or something?

Bartender!

Let me tell you something, Jack.

Everything costs at these things.

Flowers?

You have no idea how expensive a couple of tulips are.

Hm. You know, you want the napkins folded to look like birds?

That's extra.

Maybe I should quit Norcom and get into catering.

[ Both laugh ] ah, Jack, listen.

I love your lifestyle, man. You keep it real simple.

Plus, you have Norma.

Boy! Sometimes I wish I were in your shoes.

Providing, of course, I could keep my own salary.

[ laughs ]

But somehow, if Dad was looking for me to help...

I got to go.

I'm afraid he was on his own.

Would you like a drink?

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Please?

[ Scoffs ] come on, Wayne. Let me have some of yours.

Get your own champagne.

I'd do it for you!

You know, I believe you would.

I could give you this bottle.

As a matter of fact, if it was up to me,

I'd give it to you right now.

Bingo.

But according to the state drinking law, you're underage,

So if I did, I'd be committing a crime,

And that would be wrong.

Great.

Suddenly, my brother had become Joe Friday.

Hi.

[ Chuckles ] hi.

Candy!

Candy, wait up!

'Scuse me.

And... I was in the bubbly.

Hi. How about one dance with the bride?

No, I don't think that would be possible.

W h-how about later, then?

No. I don't think that would be possible, either.

[ Chuckles ] smooth move, ex-lax.

Possibly... A mistake.

Give me that.

Hey!

And there it went...

My last chance at romance, intrigue, adventure.

My last chance at Linda.

Thanks. Yeah.

Here you go.

And then, just as things looked hopeless,

A miracle.

Suddenly, nothing stood between me and destiny.

There you are, handsome!

Nothing but Mrs. Robinson's stunt double.

Is it time for my dance yet?

Uh...

[ "I am woman" plays ]

Ooh, your arms are so strong!

I bet you could pick me up like a feather.

Sure. One of those rare, 180-pound feathers.

You want to try?

No!

Uh... No, I'd better not.

[ Chuckles ] why don't you lead for a while?

Uh, actually, I got to go. Thanks for the dance, though.

Sure thing, lamb chop.

And, once and for all, I was on my way.

Driven, unrelenting,

Determined to get that champagne,

No matter what it took.

Look!

As it happened, it didn't take much.

And with that, I was on my way.

[ crickets chirping ]

I took a moment to contemplate my good fortune,

My incredible luck,

The remarkable turn of events that had brought me here.

Sitting with a cold bottle of champagne, waiting...

Pouring...

Sipping...

Slurping...

Guzzling...

Chugging...

Sprawling...

Sitting there one hour later,

Three sheets to the wind, drunk as a skunk,

Watching my amazing hand.

Kevin.

You know very well what you've done.

How could you?

Uh-oh.

Kevin?

Linda.

Kevin.

[ Pop! ] I had only one choice -

Attempt to play it straight.

I brought you some champagne.

Look. I didn't really feel much like champagne, anyway.

Oh.

Yeah.

Right.

And I guess that's when I realized a couple of things.

One... I'd just lost out to a guy in a really bad tux.

I better be going now.

And two... for 16 years, I'd taken standing up for granted.

Kevin, are you gonna be all right?

[ Snorts ]

Yeah.

Yes. No problem.

Even in my stupor, I knew what I'd done.

I'd behaved like an idiot, betrayed my girlfriend.

I'd acted like a fool.

And now...

Linda.

Yes, Kevin?

It was time to face the truth...

About myself, about my past.

Time to stand up and act like a man.

But maybe most of all...

It was time to come clean.

I...

Yes, Kevin?

[ Gags, retches ]

- Aah! Ugh! - So I did.

[ feedback ]

Excuse me. [ chuckles ] excuse me.

Excuse me.

Uh, before you all go, I just want to say a few words.

By the time I got back from the men's room,

I wasn't feeling too good about anything.

About weddings, about marriage...

About human nature.

And at that moment, I couldn't help but think

That all the proposed romance behind a wedding

Was just a sham.

You gonna dance with me later?

- [ Sighs ] - Huh?

For those of you who don't know me, I got married here today.

[ Rimshot ]

Yeah, and I paid for it.

[ laughter ]

There it was.

An empty ritual,

Dressed up in lies and hypocrisy and greed.

Not many of you know the story behind candy and me.

I'm not gonna tell it now.

I just wouldn't want anyone to leave here today

Not knowing how I feel about her.

I feel, uh...

Very lucky today.

I don't know what you guys are gonna remember

About this wedding today, uh...

So I'm gonna ask you to remember one thing...

That you know how happy...

And lucky, uh, fortunate...

I feel, that I get to say that candy is my wife.

[ Applause ]

We did things kind of the old-fashioned way...

Oh, for 1972, anyway.

I'm glad we waited.

Honey?

[ Applause ]

- Aww! - Aww! -Aww!

It was a testament to romance at its finest and most pure.

It was a declaration of virtue...

Simple and gracious and real.

And after a day of infidelities...

Some proposed and planned, some more subtle...

I felt for the first time

That someone believed in something a little different...

In love...

In commitment...

All right.

You ready?

Arthur.

Yeah?

In each other.

If you don't get your arm off my wife...

I'm gonna break it off.

Jack, what...

Come on. Let's dance.

Jack.

It almost made me glad to be there.

♪ fly me to the moon ♪

I guess you could say

That weddings mean a lot of things to a lot of people.

[ camera shutter clicks ]

♪ Let me see what spring is like ♪

We might cry at the romance unfulfilled in our own lives

And shrink at the unforeseen compromises

Our lives have held for us.

But weddings also bring out hope...

And promise...

And possibility.

♪ baby, kiss me ♪

After all, as we choose our partners,

Some of us make our choices for life.

And some of us dance with just one of many.

And sometimes, for the lucky ones,

We remember why we picked who we did.

And after years of fighting

Over burnt toast and bounced checks,

We might, for a brief moment,

Look at each other as we once did,

Before kids and mortgages and routine conspired against us.

And others are content to postpone their choices...

Knowing somehow that the future,

Like that Saturday afternoon,

Will tempt us with dances both slow and fast.

Come over here, Barbara!

♪ Fill my heart with song ♪

That was a really nice speech, huh?

You know, the stuff about love

And that whole part about waiting.

♪ You are all I long for ♪

Maybe he waited, but... She didn't.

♪ In other words ♪

♪ please be true ♪

You?

Where?

At a wedding.

♪ In other words ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ love ♪

♪ you ♪