Original subtitles

♪ What would you do if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪ ♪ By with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

♪ High with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ -♪ Try with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Somebody who knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ By with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ Said I'm gonna make it with my friends ♪

♪ Try with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ Oh, I'm gonna keep on trying ♪

♪ High with a little help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on trying now, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Any kid who's ever been to junior high school

knows one great universal truth...

image is everything.

Take it easy.

Who you are is pretty much a matter of who you appear to be.

And who you appear to be is pretty much a matter

of hard work and careful planning.

For most kids, anyway.

Meet Peter Armbruster...

Otherwise known as... "Pig."

Let's eat!

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Peter. - Hey, Peter.

Not that anyone ever called him "pig" to his face.

Still...

Oh, my God.

He's gonna go for all five!

As images go, it wasn't pretty.

Whoops! Ketchup! Excuse me.

Face it...

in the looks-conscious world of 9th grade,

there was only one way to sum up a guy like Peter.

Uhoh.

- Ugh! - Ugh!

He just didn't seem to care.

Then again, moving from the ridiculous to the sublime...

[ Choir vocalizing ]

Meet Brad Patterson and Marci Doran,

RFK's prince and princess of popularity.

They had it all...

the looks, the moves, the clothes.

Even their hair was popular.

Not that we were impressed.

Gosh!

They are so cool.

Do you think they look like that when they wake up?

Okay, so Paul was impressed.

But not me... not much.

Oh, come on.

What have they got that we don't have?

Well, he's the captain of the football team.

Her Dad owns a corporation.

And they're both running the yearbook this year.

And that's just for starters. You?

Paul, they're just people, like you and me.

This was true... they were...

Kinda...

Sorta.

I guess.

And so, the creation of two great nation-states...

Germany, the epitome of power...

And Italy, fountain of youth and romance.

Which I guess made me Yugoslavia.

Psst!

Do me a favor. Pass this to Marci, okay?

Sure.

That was me... note-passer to the gods.

Mr. Arnold.

Uh...

Could you repeat the question?

I didn't ask one.

Oh.

But you might read the contents of that note you're holding.

- This? - Mm-hmm.

Why don't you stand up and share it with the rest of us?

Uh-oh.

Hmm.

No help there.

No help there.

So I was left with a choice... I could sink...

Uh...

"A dozen eggs...

"A carton of milk...

And American cheese."

[ Laughter ]

Is that all?

No, sir.

It also says...

"Pimento loaf."

[ Laughter ] ...Or I could swim.

[ School bell rings ]

Class dismissed, Mr. Arnold.

Guess you could say I swam...

Swimmingly.

Not that it meant all that much to me...

Until that afternoon.

Hey, Kev!

Hey, man, thanks for covering for us in history today.

Oh, it was nothing.

Listen, we're co-editors of the yearbook.

And we really want this to be

the best yearbook RFK's ever seen...

with candid photos

and funny quotes for all the 9th-graders.

Right, Brad?

Anyways, we were thinking we could use someone like you

to help us out with the quotes.

The quotes?

Yeah. You're a pretty funny guy.

I bet you'd be great.

So. You want to?

Well...

Why not?

Super.

We're meeting tonight at my house.

Here's the address.

7:00. See ya.

Was that Brad and Marci?

Yep.

Talking to you?

Sure.

Why?

They asked me to be on the yearbook staff, okay?

You mean you're going to their house?

Unbelievable.

What are you talking about?

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna say?

What are you gonna wear?

I probably won't even change.

I wore my best sweater.

Okay. Let's get started.

Sure.

That night, I found myself sitting

among the pantheon of the power elite...

Not that I was nervous or anything.

Not much, anyway.

Okay. First up, Arthur Aaron.

What do you think, Kev?

Here it was... my cue.

[ Clock ticking ] Uh...

I needed something brilliant...

Um...

something ingenious...

Something inspired.

Um...

Ummm...

15 minutes later...

I was still looking for inspiration.

[ Buzzer ]

You're not saying much tonight, Kevin.

Me?

Oh, well...

I'm, uh, just getting warmed up.

Sure, that's it. Give the guy a chance.

I think he's gonna have something really funny

for this next one.

You bet.

And suddenly, my entire reputation

was resting on the next name on that page,

the letters of which would spell out triumph...

Or doom or...

Peter Armbruster.

What do you say, Kev?

There are moments in every great man's life

when fate brings him face-to-face with opportunity.

In my case, this would be that moment.

It hit me like a bolt of lightning.

[ Thunder crashes ]

Let's eat!

"Let's eat"?

"Let's eat."

[ Laughs ]

Man, that's hilarious!

[ Laughter ]

Peter Armbruster... "let's eat."

Definitely funny. Attaway, Kev.

And so, with that one simple phrase,

my reputation soared.

My image was made.

I was in...

For that night, anyway.

The next day, though, in the cold light of dawn,

things didn't seem so great.

What's with the threads?

Knock it off, Paul.

So, guess it went pretty well last night, huh?

What'd you guys do?

Nothing. Just... Quotes.

Hey, guys!

Hi, Peter.

Yow. The secret of my success, himself.

You guys missed the show!

I was cracking up over there,

and I laughed so hard, milk came out of my nose!

Gee, Peter, that's... Great.

Well, see ya!

What is he thinking?

I mean, if that poor guy only knew

what people said about him behind his back.

Uhhuh.

Or wrote about him in the yearbook.

So, what'd you write about me?

- Huh? - My quote.

Come up with something good for me?

Oh, Paul, we only got through the I's.

Besides, what's it matter? It's just a stupid quote.

You're joking, right?

This is the way we're gonna be remembered, Kev...

Forever.

My parents are gonna be reading those quotes.

Paul, enough!

And my grandchildren.

It wasn't quite the message I wanted to hear.

Hi, guys.

[ Laughter ]

"Let's eat."

You might as well face up to it, Kev.

You're writing history here.

Which, as it turned out...

Was exactly what I was afraid of.

[ Whistle blows ]

Adolescent guilt is an interesting thing.

No matter how hard you try to avoid it, somehow...

Hey, Kev. You want to spot for me?

You can't.

Well... Actually, Peter...

I called upon the now-legendary Arnold wit to bail me out.

- sure. - Great!

You want to go first?

No. You can go ahead.

Okay, so I'd spot for the guy.

What's the worst that could happen?

[ Grunts ]

Oh, man, I'm not very good at this.

You're doing fine, Peter.

[ Grunts ]

I don't know.

I guess there are things I'm worse at...

Like dodgeball.

That was a joke.

You know, me... Dodgeball? Get it?

Oh.

Sure.

[ Grunts ]

Ugh!

So, how many's that?

Uh... One, I think.

Ugh!

Geez, 24 to go.

We won't even get to your turn.

You know, my Dad says I should get more exercise.

And my Mom... well, she...

look, Peter, this will go a lot faster if you don't talk, okay?

Whatever you say, Kev.

But the worst had happened.

Right before my very eyes,

Peter Armbruster was turning into...

A person.

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Grunts ]

Believe it or not, guys, that's it.

We're done.

Congratulations all around.

All right. Good job.

By the next night, histories had been written,

fortunes assured,

reputations etched in stone.

There was just one little problem.

Uh, can I, uh...

can I say something?

Sure.

Well, uh... [ Clears throat ]

I was thinking...

About that quote for Peter Armbruster?

Pig? [ Chuckles ]

Hey, hey, "let's eat."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah.

Well, uh... I was thinking...

You know, maybe we should change it.

After all, these were reasonable folks.

They'd see the wisdom in that.

Change it to what?

Yeah. "Let's eat" is perfect.

Wait a minute, Jules. Let's hear him out.

Maybe Kevin's got something even funnier.

Well, actually, I was just trying...

But, suddenly, I could feel my image barometer dropping.

So, once again...

I took the coward's way out.

"Oink, oink"?

[ Laughter ]

"Oink, oink," it is.

Great.

That's perfect!

That night, I was visited by a horrible dream.

[ Crickets chirping ]

Door, please.

[ Woman crying ]

There, there, mother Armbruster.

There, there.

We had such high hopes for him.

He died of a broken heart.

I can't thank you enough for coming.

We were afraid he had no friends at all.

After that... Yearbook thing.

[ Wolf howls in distance ]

[ Rumbling ]

Aah!

[ Screaming ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

I couldn't carry the weight of my transgression anymore.

Yeah. All right.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

I was thinking... About the yearbook?

What about it?

Well... A-about the quotes.

The Peter Armbruster quote...

I think we should change it.

It just wouldn't be right.

There. Felt better already.

These guys would understand.

But it's funny. Right, Brad?

Yeah, definitely.

Well... Yeah, sure, it is, but...

listen, Kev...

We'd like to help,

but, unfortunately, it's out of our hands.

Huh?

We sent the proofs to print this morning.

Print?

Well, there's got to be something we can do.

Maybe we should go to Diperna.

I mean, he's the yearbook adviser,

and he's gonna find out sooner or later.

You know... I think he's probably right.

Yeah. I think he's right, too.

You do?

When you're right, you're right.

Tell you what... we'll take care of it.

Don't worry about a thing.

Thanks, guys!

[ School bell rings ]

And with that,

my faith in humanity had been restored.

Mr. Arnold, can I speak to you, please?

Sure.

Well, well, what was this?

A personal summons from the vice principal.

Take a seat, Mr. Arnold.

Hey, he probably just wanted to thank me

for my small role in this whole matter,

applaud my good judgment.

Did you honestly think

you were gonna get away with this prank?

Prank?

"Oink, oink."

Uh...

Did you honestly think that was funny?

Well... No!

I mean... I guess you kind of had to be there.

But that's why I told...

luckily, not all your fellow students

share your brand of humor, Arnold.

Wait a minute. What was this guy saying?

Some of the more conscientious members

of the yearbook editorial staff

told me you were trying to sneak this quote in.

Brad and Marci said that?

It's not important who said it.

The important thing is that you didn't get away with it.

[ School bell rings ]

My only question now is...

What length detention you deserve.

Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Well...

I...

But there was really only one thing to say.

I'm sorry.

I was confused, to put it mildly.

- Hey! - Hi.

Kevman, what's up?

Well, it's just, you guys...

But wait a second.

Maybe there was an explanation for all this...

a perfectly logical explanation.

What is it, Kev?

Well, nothing. It's just...

Well, I was just talking to Diperna,

and, uh... He kind of blew his top about the quote.

You know?

But I guess it's no big deal.

Yeah, no biggie.

Yeah. Don't give it a second thought.

Well... Sure.

Except he gave me a week's detention.

Ah. Sorry about that.

That's too bad, Kevin.

So... When's the next meeting?

Well, actually, Kev-man,

uh, you know, we thought we'd take it from here.

What? What are you talking about?

Well, the quotes are done.

You were a big help, though. Right, Brad?

Oh, yeah! You're a pretty funny guy.

Wait a minute!

I just took the rap in there,

and all you can say is I'm a pretty funny guy?

Well, what do you want us to say?

Well, how about "thanks a lot"? Is that too much to ask?

Kevin... Think about how you look.

And that's when I realized these guys were untouchable...

Like Teflon.

See you in history tomorrow.

And there you had it...

the final chapter in my short and not-so-sweet membership

in the upper crust of junior-high society.

Hey, Kev.

You're blocking the water fountain.

Sorry.

In a way, I was kind of glad to see the guy.

I could take solace

in at least having done right by my fellow man.

Peter Armbruster probably never knew

the potential embarrassment that awaited him.

Something hanging from my nose?

Then what?

Well...

I could have told him what I'd done,

how I'd saved his reputation, his future.

[ Chuckles ]

Nothing, Peter.

After all,

there was no reason the guy ever had to know.

Better to leave him with his illusions.

Hey, Kevin.

Call me "pig."

Everybody else does.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Randy Newman's "I'm different" plays ]

In junior high school, image is everything...

a dance with masks...

A fight to fit in.

Maybe it's a struggle that lasts a lifetime...

For most of us, anyway.

♪ I ain't sayin' I'm better than you are ♪

♪ But maybe I am ♪

♪ I only know that when I look in the mirror ♪

♪ I like the man ♪

♪ We like the man ♪

♪ He's different, and he don't care who knows it ♪

♪ Somethin' about him not the same ♪

♪ He's different, that's how it goes ♪

♪ He's not gonna play your gosh-darn game ♪

♪ I'm different and don't care who knows it ♪

♪ Somethin' about me not the same ♪

♪ I'm different ♪