All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E20.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

The following
is a special message

from the President
of the United States.

Good evening,
my fellow Americans.

You know, in the past,
when I’ve spoken to you
from this office here,

the news has always
been good.

Not bad! Good!

Berlin Wall,
collapse of communism,

that Noriega thing
over there--

good, good, good.

It’s no wonder I’m up around
that 80% approval area.

But now tonight, the news
I have to bring to you--

it’s not good.
In fact, it’s kind of bad.

Maybe after you hear it,

my approval rating
will slip down to 75%.

( chuckling )

Little joke there for you.

Now, during my campaign
for President,

certain things were said--

things like,
"Read my lips. No new taxes."

And when I said, I meant it.

I meant all three words.

I meant "no".
I meant "new".

I meant "taxes".
I meant them all.

But situations change.

Spring becomes summer.

Sunny days become cloudy
up there.

Sincere growth projections
prove overly optimistic.

Expenditures have
continued to grow--

up here, right there.
There are the expenditures
right in that area.

Revenues remain flat
right down here.

See this gap here?
That’s what I want
to talk about.

This budget deficit--

the most frightening thing
I’ve ever seen in my life...

right here.

Doesn’t go away,
you can move it.

Still the same size.
Flip it, turn it,

throw it up,
do anything you want.

Don’t think I haven’t tried.
Still there.

You can move it,
move it in and out.

Results are always
the same.

We’ve got that
debt thing happening.

We need cash.

Lots of cash.

Sort of boggles my mind.

But don’t fear.
Got a plan. Got a good plan.

Gonna tell you right now.
Not avoiding it.

Gonna come at you with it.
Ready to tell you.

Let the telling begin.

Gonna come out with it.
Here it comes.

Gonna tell you, not afraid.

Read my lips.

I’m--I’m gonna--

I’m gonna ra--

I’m gonna rai-rai--

I’m gonna rai-raise--
I’m gonna raise...

ta-ta-ta--

Gonna raise ta-ta-ta-ta-ta--

tax-ta-ta--

ta-a-a-axes.

There, I said it,
loud and clear.

Now, you might ask me--
who’s the money
gonna come from?

Couldn’t tax the poor.

Haven’t got the money.
Wouldn’t work.

The rich?
Tax them all you want.

They’re slippery suckers.

They incorporate,
meal deductions--

they’ll laugh at you.

Don’t want to be laughed at
by a tax lawyer down there,

doing that
laughter thing he does.

That leaves us with
the beautiful middle class--

dependable, always there,
family people.

Don’t know about
keeping receipts.

Don’t have a lot of paper
laying around.

Solid people. Don’t think
we don’t love you,
you little taxpayers.

( chuckling )

Now, of course,
the Democrats are gonna
urge a big tax increase--

8, 10, 12%.

Na’ ga’ da’.

I’m talking 3, 4% tops,
no more than 5.

That’s it.
So, read my lips.

No huge new taxes.

So, to sum up--
Berlin Wall down,

communism collapsing,
Noriega behind bars...

gap!

Dan Quayle--
still gaining acceptance.

No huge new taxes.

That’s right. Live from
New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
the Notting Hillbillies.

And starring
Candice Bergen.

* Toonces the driving cat *

* The cat who could
drive a car *

* He drives around
all over the town *

* Toonces the driving cat *

ANNOUNCER: Tonight,
Toonces’ arch-enemy...

These are really
nice home videos.

Thanks.

Oh, look, here we are
at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, yeah, Toonces was
driving that day.

The Grand Canyon
is really deep,
isn’t it?

Yeah, tell us about it.

Yeah.

Oh, here we are
at Carmel.

Hmm, yeah.

Oh, that’s Toonces
coming to pick us up.

Carmel is so pretty,
isn’t it?

It sure is. Now, here we are
at Niagara Falls.

Ooh.

What a view we had
that day...

thanks to Toonces.

Ohh.

Oh, how did this
get in here?

That’s Toonces
when he was a kitten.

He liked to drive
even then.

Oh, there he goes!
Ohh!

Ohh. Ha ha!

Aww.

Well, that’s all.

I sure hope
you enjoyed it.

I sure did,
and I have
an announcement.

What is it?

I know that
your cat Toonces
can drive.

Well, yes, just
not very well.

Well, my cat Spunky just
finished driving school.

Really?
Wow.

Yep, here’s
his report card.

Wow, look
at those grades!

He got an A+ in Driving,
an A+ in Conduct,

an A+ in Attendance,
an A+ in Punctuality.

and an extra A+ for
helping clean erasers
after class.

It sounds like
he’s a good driver.

And how.

Hey, I’ve got
an idea!

Let’s have Spunky
take us for a drive.

Yeah!
Yeah!

We’ll go home
and get ready.

Okay.
Okay.

Bye-bye.
Bye, Spunky!

Bye, Spunky!

( growling )

( razor buzzing )

Spunky, are you
getting ready?

( meows )

Don’t forget to wear
your nice tie.

( meowing )

( meowing )

What a lovely day
for a drive.

It certainly is.

Yeah, and Spunky
is driving so well.

Yes, did you see
back at that turn

how he used his signal
and put out his paw?

Yeah, I noticed that.

But he seems to be
driving worse now.

( tires screeching )
Uh-oh.

He’s getting
reckless!

Spunky, what’s wrong?

Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Something’s wrong here.

It’s Toonces!
It’s Toonces!

Then where’s Spunky?

( meowing )

Toonces!
Look out, Toonces!

( all screaming )

* He drives around
all over the town *

* Toonces the driving cat *

Well, hello.

I’m Craig Talbert--

35-year-old single man.

I’ll be fertile
for another 25, 30,

35 years, maybe more.

My biological clock
is gonna be ticking
a long time.

So, I’m in no particular hurry
to get married.

And believe me,
a lot of guys my age

feel the same way.

( chuckles, snorts )

And, due to a freak
in demographics,

by the year 1995,

there will be
over 20 million of you

chasing 3.7 million of us.

That’s why the smart advice

to single women
in their thirties is...

lower your standards.

Take me. I’m balding,

I’ve got a double chin,

and I share an apartment
with three of my friends
from high school.

And yet, every day, I grow
more and more desirable

in today’s
incredibly lopsided

dating and mating market.

Every 12 seconds,
one of us is snatched up

by some lucky gal

who was not afraid
to lower her standards.

Why, as I’ve been
talking to you,

there are four less
available men to choose from,

making the odds that much worse
for single women...

like you.

I’m Craig Talbert.

I’m gonna have a beer,
eat a bag of potato chips,

and maybe watch
some wrestling.

Oh, yeah.

ANNOUNCER:
This special message
was brought to you by...

*

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Yesterday, Federal agents
discovered a tunnel

used by drug smugglers
to cross the U.S.-Mexico border

between Agua Prieta, Mexico,
and Douglas, Arizona.

Authorities were impressed
and the size and sophistication
of the tunnel,

which had tollbooths
on one end

with an exact change lane.

The Pope was reported
missing in Mexico this week,

having visited the country
to deliver a speech

denouncing birth control
and the use of contraception.

It seems, in the midst
of the speech,

the population of the country
multiplied so quickly,

John Paul was lost
in the crowd.

Soviet President
Mikhail Gorbachev

will visit California
and Minnesota

after his upcoming
summit meeting with
President Bush in Washington.

It’s possible that he might
meet with former President
Ronald Reagan

and his wife Nancy
in Los Angeles,

but no one is quite sure
why he wants to visit
Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The pervasive rumor is that
he and his wife Raisa
are going there

to jam with Prince.

Because of severe
racial tensions,

Mayor Dinkins of New York
said drastic action
is necessary,

and announced plans
to televise, for 24
consecutive hours,

the episode of Star Trek
where Frank Gorshin was
black on one side

and white on the other.

Christie’s Auction House
in New York Tuesday

was the scene
of the highest price
ever paid for a painting--

$82.5 million for Van Gogh’s
Portrait of Dr. Gachet.

Here’s the painting, which
depicts a disgruntled old man

who has just been outbid
at an art auction.

It’s Hammer time!

You can’t touch this.

Okay, that worked big.
You know...

( laughs )

I’m all...tangled up here.

Sorry. Okay.

It was a big week for pain.

Gorbachev and
politburo member Lukanov

both had toothaches,

Pope John Paul
had a headache,

Washington Mayor Marion Barry
has a chronic headache,

we’ve already
covered this guy,

President Bush
had a headache--

but to relax,
he went to the golf course

where it was obvious
that, uh...

looks like he’s really
having a ball, huh:?

And scientists launched
the first manned vibrator
this week.

The New Revised Standard
Version of the Bible,

replacing a 1952 used widely
in American churches,

came out this week.

Translators sought
greater clarity

and also tried to substitute
gender-inclusive terms

for masculine references.

Examples...

The changes even go down
to the first line of the Bible,

which used to read,
"In the beginning..."

and now reads,
"Monday, 7:00 A.M."

Scientists this week
at the Marine Institute
at Martha’s Vineyard

came up with visual proof

that, indeed, one out of
every three dolphins

is very similar to man.

And now...

for the final time
this season,

A. Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture.

Whitney.
Thanks, Dennis.
Good to be here.

Well, my friends,
there’s a lot of
racial tension

in the city right now,

and some say it’s gonna be
a long, hot summer.

We’re all
to blame for the heat--
both blacks and whites.

It’s global warming.

It’s the fault of everybody
who ever used hairspray

or aerosol deodorant.

The racial tension
is another hole
we dug ourselves into,

and if we’re gonna dig
our way out of it,

we’re gonna have to start
calling a shovel a shovel.

Last week, a mob attacked
a white attorney

because he was
defending someone

accused of killing a black man,
and that’s wrong.

He should’ve been attacked
because he’s a lawyer.

Now, racism can get pretty
convoluted in this city.

For example,
a group of blacks--
some of them also Hispanic--

attacked a group of Vietnamese
because they thought
they were Korean.

And the Koreans, of course,
were insulted at the idea

that somebody says they look
like Vietnamese.

It’s a shame. If those kids
knew as much about geography
as they know about bigotry,

we wouldn’t have
these problems.

Part of it is that racism
means something different
to everybody.

I had an elderly relative
come to see me last summer

who couldn’t believe
that Catholics are considered
white in New York.

As a matter of fact,
there are towns in New England

where you’re considered black
if you’re not born there.

Everybody has
a different ax to grind.

I saw one of
the protesters on TV
wearing a fur coat.

So, who knows?
No question--

it’s tough being
black in this city.

Taxis won’t stop for you.

It hurts when people
get nervous

because you happen to be
walking behind them.

And then half the crackhead
panhandlers on the street

think they have the right
to call you "brother".

I can’t imagine
how it must feel to pick up
the paper in the morning

and read that Al Sharpton
has just appointed himself
your spokesman.

Well, but--

Bensonhurst, Howard Beach,
Williamsburg, Flatbush--

they have one thing
in common.

In all of them,
there was a mob involved.

The mob mentality
can take over people

of any race or color.

The only ones who seem
immune to it are the Jews...

unless they’re in Israel.

By summer’s end,
the sidewalks of this city

will bear the chalk outlines
of a lot of innocent bodies--

black, brown,
white and yellow.

We can’t change that.

But we can work to ensure
that they’re killed
for their money,

their drugs
or their driving habits,

and not for the color
of their skins.

Together, we can do it--

for ourselves and for
the greatest city in the world.

Thank you, and let’s
make it a nice summer.

( indistinct chatter )

An unidentified
freedom-of-speech advocate

is shown here demonstrating
outside the Supreme Court
this week

with a flag in her mouth.

You know, I’m not feeling
quite free enough tonight.

Why don’t I just tie
the flag in knots

and pass it
through my colon?

You know, to me, this isn’t
even a legislative issue.

It’s just good manners.
You’re not being un-American
when you burn a flag,

you’re just being
a massive pain in the ass.

Here’s a couple of tourists

as they gaze across
Sam Donaldson’s hairline
this week

as it continues to recede.

This headline appeared
in a recent issue of
Communications Week.

I am touched and honored.

I’m a little Wang Head.

( laughs )

Although she’s dating
Ted Turner--

seen here on the left--

Jane Fonda still has time
for workouts.

As you can see,
she’s more solid than ever.

Hello, Domino’s?
Where’s that small pepperoni?

( laughs )

You know--

Jamaican authorities
this week

busted a drug operation
at the Montego Bay Airport

and confiscated the biggest
bong ever discovered.

And three people wearing
Bart Simpson T-shirts

were killed
in Manhattan yesterday.

No arrests were made...
and there are no plans for any.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the season,

and I am outta here.

*

Hello, and welcome
to Once Upon a Time.

I’m Kenneth Putnam,

and once upon a time,
there was a king

who had a lovely kingdom,

some subjects, a lot of
very nice artwork,

and a beautiful queen.

But, for some reason,
the queen was always unhappy
with all of it.

And that is what our story
is about tonight--

a queen who is
always unhappy.

And we call our tale
The Unhappy Queen.

Her Royal Majesty
the Queen will speak.

We are you king
and queen.

We are sovereign.
We rule here.

Everyone in this
room, we rule.

We rule you
and you and you.

We’re ruling
right now.

That’s it.

Yes, yes, of course.

My dear,
could this just be
a pleasant day today?

Is that possible?

I don’t think so.
I’m tired.

I’m upset, I’m bored,

and I’m retaining
fluids.

Oh, I know what!
It’s Thursday.

The royal
haberdasher’s here.

Ah, of course--
this week’s hat.

I’ll see it.
Bring it forward.

The royal hat,
Your Majesty.

Your Majesty,
as court composer,

I’ve taken
the liberty to
compose a fugue

in honor of your
bold new hat.

I will play it,
if it would
please you.

And singing it will be
my charming protégé Ilsa.

( groans )

*

* The Queen has a hat,
the Queen has a hat *

* The Queen has
a bold new hat *

* A bold new hat
with a buckle on the side *

* And a feather in the back
and a braid along the brim *

* And a button in the back *

* A braid and a button
and a buckle and a brim *

* The Queen has
a bold new hat *

( vocalizing )

* Hat *

Shall we place the hat
on your head, my dear?

No, I don’t like the hat,
or the song.

Take it away.
I don’t want it.

Exactly what is it
you...want, my love?

I don’t know.
Just bring me something.

Have everybody
in the kingdom
bring me something.

I’ll know what it is
when I see it.

Now, it so happened that,
in the same kingdom,

lived a poor widow
and her four sons.

The elder three were strong
and a comfort to her.

But the youngest one--
Slow Ned--

was dull and simple.

Now, I want you three
to behave yourself

when you go to the palace
and come home safe.

Since your poor father died,
you’re all I have left
in this world.

Isn’t Slow Ned
coming with us, Mum?

No, he’s far too young.

And besides,
he’s an idiot.

I’m ready to go now!

Enough of that!
Back to the barn with you!

But I’m supposed
to go!

No!
No!

But I want to go!

Listen, Slow Ned,
it’s too long a journey.

And besides, what would you
take to the Queen?

My most prized
possession.

Oh, God,
not that thing.

What’s this?

What are you taking
to show Her Majesty?

My sheep turd.

You can’t take a turd
to the Queen.

It’s just not done!

It’s not just any turd!
It’s a special one!

It’s got a most
intriguing shape.

It’s like a face.
It’s got a profile,
it does.

Looks like a pope
or a bishop

or someone important.

You stupid twit.

All turds look like
someone important.

Well, this one’s different!
You wait and see!

( all laughing )

And so the four set off
to the palace.

By the time they arrived,
there were many ahead of them--

each one convinced
that he had brought

exactly what
the Queen wanted.

Thank you.
Please be gone.

If one more person
brings me something
I don’t want,

he shall be killed.

Next!

Well, don’t just
stand there.

Step up and show the Queen
what you’ve brought.

This is amazing.
Where did you find it?

In the meadow.

Where? Where did it
come from?

A sheep’s butt.

What makes it
shimmer like that?

It’s got
little creatures
living in it.

Ha! Why, it’s like
a little world.

Ha ha ha!

Do they have
a monarchy?

No, I think they’re
a self-governing
coalition.

Then we shall rule it!

Ha ha ha ha!

And so they did.

Slow Ned was rewarded
for his inappropriate actions

and won the respect
of his brothers.

The Queen finally got
what she wanted--more power.

And they all lived
happily ever after.

Good night.

Which brings me
to my second point.

If we’re going to meet
our third-quarter
objectives,

we’re going to have
to raise unit sales
volume by 6%.

That means there’s
no time to waste.

Now, you people in marketing
really let us down last month,

and if there are
any more screw-ups,

I’ll hang your asses
out to dry. You understand?

Okay. As soon as
the meeting’s over,

I’ll type all this off
and hand it around.

Now, can I get anyone
some coffee?

Yes, please, black.
Yeah.

Fine. Now, I’ve analyzed
the major obstacles

to our 6% sales growth,

and the problem seems to be
with our Florida franchise.

Now, I know that a lot of you
have decided against it,

but I think we should
sell that division off
to General Foods.

( phone ringing )

Good morning.
Tetracorp Industries.
How may I help you?

Uh-huh,
that extension is 2326.

I’ll connect you.
Have a nice day.

Okay, yesterday I got a fax
from our Paris distributor

about an investment
opportunity in Bonn,

but we’ll have to move fast.

I’d like to discuss it
as soon as I’m done
Xeroxing copies.

( indistinct chatter )

Miss Powell, uh...

perhaps I should get
someone to do that.

Oh, no, it’s no problem.
This’ll just take
a few minutes.

I know. It’s just
that your time is
very valuable.

Shouldn’t you delegate
jobs like this
to other people?

Tom, in case
you’re not aware,

I’m the president of
a multinational corporation

with 400 people
in my employ.

I think I know
a little something
about delegating authority.

( machine whirs )

Oh, damn. Angela!

Oh. Yes, Miss Powell,
something I can do?

Yes, the copier jammed.

Call Xerox and tell them
I’ll bring it over
in an hour.

All right, people,
that doesn’t give me much time.

Paul, do you have those
figures on plant capacity?

Well, no,
I thought you said
you’d research it.

I did. I wrote the report
and put it on your desk.

Oh, you want me
to go get it?

No, I’ll pick it up
when I empty the trash.

Now, don’t think I’ve
forgotten you, Jerry.

We’re all dying to hear
your presentation.

Are you ready?
Yes, ma’am.

( clears throat )

First off...

you wanted me
to remind you

to study conditions
on the stock market.

And second of all,
you wanted me to remind you

to come up with
a fresh, creative,
emotional campaign.

Good work, Jerry.

You’re not a V.P.
for nothing.

Uh, excuse me?

Miss Powell, I’ve been
working here for two years,

and I haven’t done
a single thing.

And, uh, is there maybe
another department

where I could be
of more use to you?

( chuckles )

Well, well...

Eileen is making
her big power play.

Such naked ambition
is most unbecoming.

You’re fired.
I’ll clean out your
desk in the morning.

Let that be a lesson
to everyone.

We can’t afford
to butt heads around here.

There’s too much work
to be done.

Now, Jerry,
in case I forget,

remind me to call
the airport,

make travel arrangements
for that flight to Atlanta
for the meeting.

Um...oh, yeah.

And there’s
one other thing.

I just wanted you
to check the stats on the--

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, no!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Do you hear that?
She needs us!

Yes, she’s finally
asking for our help.

I’m not talking
to you people!

I’m talking to myself!

Come on, self!

You can do it!

Uhh! I did it.

And just in time.

I’ve got to get
to the post office
before 5:00!

I’ve got the mail,
and I’m on Madison Avenue.

I’ll be there
in five minutes.

*

Good night, everybody.
Thank you for joining us.

Thank you to
the Notting Hillbillies.

Thank you to the cast,
thank you to the audience.

Thank you to Lorne,
thank you to Toonces.

Thank you to Joe.

Thank you to life,
basically.

Does anybody else--

God bless America!

Watch Murphy Brown.

And thank you to G.E.
and the band.