Original subtitles

The following is a special message

from the President of the United States.

Good evening, my fellow Americans.

You know, in the past, when I’ve spoken to you from this office here,

the news has always been good.

Not bad! Good!

Berlin Wall, collapse of communism,

that Noriega thing over there--

good, good, good.

It’s no wonder I’m up around that 80% approval area.

But now tonight, the news I have to bring to you--

it’s not good. In fact, it’s kind of bad.

Maybe after you hear it,

my approval rating will slip down to 75%.

( chuckling )

Little joke there for you.

Now, during my campaign for President,

certain things were said--

things like, "Read my lips. No new taxes."

And when I said, I meant it.

I meant all three words.

I meant "no". I meant "new".

I meant "taxes". I meant them all.

But situations change.

Spring becomes summer.

Sunny days become cloudy up there.

Sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic.

Expenditures have continued to grow--

up here, right there. There are the expenditures right in that area.

Revenues remain flat right down here.

See this gap here? That’s what I want to talk about.

This budget deficit--

the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen in my life...

right here.

Doesn’t go away, you can move it.

Still the same size. Flip it, turn it,

throw it up, do anything you want.

Don’t think I haven’t tried. Still there.

You can move it, move it in and out.

Results are always the same.

We’ve got that debt thing happening.

We need cash.

Lots of cash.

Sort of boggles my mind.

But don’t fear. Got a plan. Got a good plan.

Gonna tell you right now. Not avoiding it.

Gonna come at you with it. Ready to tell you.

Let the telling begin.

Gonna come out with it. Here it comes.

Gonna tell you, not afraid.

Read my lips.

I’m--I’m gonna--

I’m gonna ra--

I’m gonna rai-rai--

I’m gonna rai-raise-- I’m gonna raise...

ta-ta-ta--

Gonna raise ta-ta-ta-ta-ta--

tax-ta-ta--

ta-a-a-axes.

There, I said it, loud and clear.

Now, you might ask me-- who’s the money gonna come from?

Couldn’t tax the poor.

Haven’t got the money. Wouldn’t work.

The rich? Tax them all you want.

They’re slippery suckers.

They incorporate, meal deductions--

they’ll laugh at you.

Don’t want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there,

doing that laughter thing he does.

That leaves us with the beautiful middle class--

dependable, always there, family people.

Don’t know about keeping receipts.

Don’t have a lot of paper laying around.

Solid people. Don’t think we don’t love you, you little taxpayers.

( chuckling )

Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase--

8, 10, 12%.

Na’ ga’ da’.

I’m talking 3, 4% tops, no more than 5.

That’s it. So, read my lips.

No huge new taxes.

So, to sum up-- Berlin Wall down,

communism collapsing, Noriega behind bars...

gap!

Dan Quayle-- still gaining acceptance.

No huge new taxes.

That’s right. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, the Notting Hillbillies.

And starring Candice Bergen.

* Toonces the driving cat *

* The cat who could drive a car *

* He drives around all over the town *

* Toonces the driving cat *

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Toonces’ arch-enemy...

These are really nice home videos.

Thanks.

Oh, look, here we are at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, yeah, Toonces was driving that day.

The Grand Canyon is really deep, isn’t it?

Yeah, tell us about it.

Yeah.

Oh, here we are at Carmel.

Hmm, yeah.

Oh, that’s Toonces coming to pick us up.

Carmel is so pretty, isn’t it?

It sure is. Now, here we are at Niagara Falls.

Ooh.

What a view we had that day...

thanks to Toonces.

Ohh.

Oh, how did this get in here?

That’s Toonces when he was a kitten.

He liked to drive even then.

Oh, there he goes! Ohh!

Ohh. Ha ha!

Aww.

Well, that’s all.

I sure hope you enjoyed it.

I sure did, and I have an announcement.

What is it?

I know that your cat Toonces can drive.

Well, yes, just not very well.

Well, my cat Spunky just finished driving school.

Really? Wow.

Yep, here’s his report card.

Wow, look at those grades!

He got an A+ in Driving, an A+ in Conduct,

an A+ in Attendance, an A+ in Punctuality.

and an extra A+ for helping clean erasers after class.

It sounds like he’s a good driver.

And how.

Hey, I’ve got an idea!

Let’s have Spunky take us for a drive.

Yeah! Yeah!

We’ll go home and get ready.

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye. Bye, Spunky!

Bye, Spunky!

( growling )

( razor buzzing )

Spunky, are you getting ready?

( meows )

Don’t forget to wear your nice tie.

( meowing )

( meowing )

What a lovely day for a drive.

It certainly is.

Yeah, and Spunky is driving so well.

Yes, did you see back at that turn

how he used his signal and put out his paw?

Yeah, I noticed that.

But he seems to be driving worse now.

( tires screeching ) Uh-oh.

He’s getting reckless!

Spunky, what’s wrong?

Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Something’s wrong here.

It’s Toonces! It’s Toonces!

Then where’s Spunky?

( meowing )

Toonces! Look out, Toonces!

( all screaming )

* He drives around all over the town *

* Toonces the driving cat *

Well, hello.

I’m Craig Talbert--

35-year-old single man.

I’ll be fertile for another 25, 30,

35 years, maybe more.

My biological clock is gonna be ticking a long time.

So, I’m in no particular hurry to get married.

And believe me, a lot of guys my age

feel the same way.

( chuckles, snorts )

And, due to a freak in demographics,

by the year 1995,

there will be over 20 million of you

chasing 3.7 million of us.

That’s why the smart advice

to single women in their thirties is...

lower your standards.

Take me. I’m balding,

I’ve got a double chin,

and I share an apartment with three of my friends from high school.

And yet, every day, I grow more and more desirable

in today’s incredibly lopsided

dating and mating market.

Every 12 seconds, one of us is snatched up

by some lucky gal

who was not afraid to lower her standards.

Why, as I’ve been talking to you,

there are four less available men to choose from,

making the odds that much worse for single women...

like you.

I’m Craig Talbert.

I’m gonna have a beer, eat a bag of potato chips,

and maybe watch some wrestling.

Oh, yeah.

ANNOUNCER: This special message was brought to you by...

*

And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Yesterday, Federal agents discovered a tunnel

used by drug smugglers to cross the U.S.-Mexico border

between Agua Prieta, Mexico, and Douglas, Arizona.

Authorities were impressed and the size and sophistication of the tunnel,

which had tollbooths on one end

with an exact change lane.

The Pope was reported missing in Mexico this week,

having visited the country to deliver a speech

denouncing birth control and the use of contraception.

It seems, in the midst of the speech,

the population of the country multiplied so quickly,

John Paul was lost in the crowd.

Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev

will visit California and Minnesota

after his upcoming summit meeting with President Bush in Washington.

It’s possible that he might meet with former President Ronald Reagan

and his wife Nancy in Los Angeles,

but no one is quite sure why he wants to visit Minneapolis, Minnesota.

The pervasive rumor is that he and his wife Raisa are going there

to jam with Prince.

Because of severe racial tensions,

Mayor Dinkins of New York said drastic action is necessary,

and announced plans to televise, for 24 consecutive hours,

the episode of Star Trek where Frank Gorshin was black on one side

and white on the other.

Christie’s Auction House in New York Tuesday

was the scene of the highest price ever paid for a painting--

$82.5 million for Van Gogh’s Portrait of Dr. Gachet.

Here’s the painting, which depicts a disgruntled old man

who has just been outbid at an art auction.

It’s Hammer time!

You can’t touch this.

Okay, that worked big. You know...

( laughs )

I’m all...tangled up here.

Sorry. Okay.

It was a big week for pain.

Gorbachev and politburo member Lukanov

both had toothaches,

Pope John Paul had a headache,

Washington Mayor Marion Barry has a chronic headache,

we’ve already covered this guy,

President Bush had a headache--

but to relax, he went to the golf course

where it was obvious that, uh...

looks like he’s really having a ball, huh:?

And scientists launched the first manned vibrator this week.

The New Revised Standard Version of the Bible,

replacing a 1952 used widely in American churches,

came out this week.

Translators sought greater clarity

and also tried to substitute gender-inclusive terms

for masculine references.

Examples...

The changes even go down to the first line of the Bible,

which used to read, "In the beginning..."

and now reads, "Monday, 7:00 A.M."

Scientists this week at the Marine Institute at Martha’s Vineyard

came up with visual proof

that, indeed, one out of every three dolphins

is very similar to man.

And now...

for the final time this season,

A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture.

Whitney. Thanks, Dennis. Good to be here.

Well, my friends, there’s a lot of racial tension

in the city right now,

and some say it’s gonna be a long, hot summer.

We’re all to blame for the heat-- both blacks and whites.

It’s global warming.

It’s the fault of everybody who ever used hairspray

or aerosol deodorant.

The racial tension is another hole we dug ourselves into,

and if we’re gonna dig our way out of it,

we’re gonna have to start calling a shovel a shovel.

Last week, a mob attacked a white attorney

because he was defending someone

accused of killing a black man, and that’s wrong.

He should’ve been attacked because he’s a lawyer.

Now, racism can get pretty convoluted in this city.

For example, a group of blacks-- some of them also Hispanic--

attacked a group of Vietnamese because they thought they were Korean.

And the Koreans, of course, were insulted at the idea

that somebody says they look like Vietnamese.

It’s a shame. If those kids knew as much about geography as they know about bigotry,

we wouldn’t have these problems.

Part of it is that racism means something different to everybody.

I had an elderly relative come to see me last summer

who couldn’t believe that Catholics are considered white in New York.

As a matter of fact, there are towns in New England

where you’re considered black if you’re not born there.

Everybody has a different ax to grind.

I saw one of the protesters on TV wearing a fur coat.

So, who knows? No question--

it’s tough being black in this city.

Taxis won’t stop for you.

It hurts when people get nervous

because you happen to be walking behind them.

And then half the crackhead panhandlers on the street

think they have the right to call you "brother".

I can’t imagine how it must feel to pick up the paper in the morning

and read that Al Sharpton has just appointed himself your spokesman.

Well, but--

Bensonhurst, Howard Beach, Williamsburg, Flatbush--

they have one thing in common.

In all of them, there was a mob involved.

The mob mentality can take over people

of any race or color.

The only ones who seem immune to it are the Jews...

unless they’re in Israel.

By summer’s end, the sidewalks of this city

will bear the chalk outlines of a lot of innocent bodies--

black, brown, white and yellow.

We can’t change that.

But we can work to ensure that they’re killed for their money,

their drugs or their driving habits,

and not for the color of their skins.

Together, we can do it--

for ourselves and for the greatest city in the world.

Thank you, and let’s make it a nice summer.

( indistinct chatter )

An unidentified freedom-of-speech advocate

is shown here demonstrating outside the Supreme Court this week

with a flag in her mouth.

You know, I’m not feeling quite free enough tonight.

Why don’t I just tie the flag in knots

and pass it through my colon?

You know, to me, this isn’t even a legislative issue.

It’s just good manners. You’re not being un-American when you burn a flag,

you’re just being a massive pain in the ass.

Here’s a couple of tourists

as they gaze across Sam Donaldson’s hairline this week

as it continues to recede.

This headline appeared in a recent issue of Communications Week.

I am touched and honored.

I’m a little Wang Head.

( laughs )

Although she’s dating Ted Turner--

seen here on the left--

Jane Fonda still has time for workouts.

As you can see, she’s more solid than ever.

Hello, Domino’s? Where’s that small pepperoni?

( laughs )

You know--

Jamaican authorities this week

busted a drug operation at the Montego Bay Airport

and confiscated the biggest bong ever discovered.

And three people wearing Bart Simpson T-shirts

were killed in Manhattan yesterday.

No arrests were made... and there are no plans for any.

Guess what, folks? That’s the season,

and I am outta here.

*

Hello, and welcome to Once Upon a Time.

I’m Kenneth Putnam,

and once upon a time, there was a king

who had a lovely kingdom,

some subjects, a lot of very nice artwork,

and a beautiful queen.

But, for some reason, the queen was always unhappy with all of it.

And that is what our story is about tonight--

a queen who is always unhappy.

And we call our tale The Unhappy Queen.

Her Royal Majesty the Queen will speak.

We are you king and queen.

We are sovereign. We rule here.

Everyone in this room, we rule.

We rule you and you and you.

We’re ruling right now.

That’s it.

Yes, yes, of course.

My dear, could this just be a pleasant day today?

Is that possible?

I don’t think so. I’m tired.

I’m upset, I’m bored,

and I’m retaining fluids.

Oh, I know what! It’s Thursday.

The royal haberdasher’s here.

Ah, of course-- this week’s hat.

I’ll see it. Bring it forward.

The royal hat, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, as court composer,

I’ve taken the liberty to compose a fugue

in honor of your bold new hat.

I will play it, if it would please you.

And singing it will be my charming protégé Ilsa.

( groans )

*

* The Queen has a hat, the Queen has a hat *

* The Queen has a bold new hat *

* A bold new hat with a buckle on the side *

* And a feather in the back and a braid along the brim *

* And a button in the back *

* A braid and a button and a buckle and a brim *

* The Queen has a bold new hat *

( vocalizing )

* Hat *

Shall we place the hat on your head, my dear?

No, I don’t like the hat, or the song.

Take it away. I don’t want it.

Exactly what is it you...want, my love?

I don’t know. Just bring me something.

Have everybody in the kingdom bring me something.

I’ll know what it is when I see it.

Now, it so happened that, in the same kingdom,

lived a poor widow and her four sons.

The elder three were strong and a comfort to her.

But the youngest one-- Slow Ned--

was dull and simple.

Now, I want you three to behave yourself

when you go to the palace and come home safe.

Since your poor father died, you’re all I have left in this world.

Isn’t Slow Ned coming with us, Mum?

No, he’s far too young.

And besides, he’s an idiot.

I’m ready to go now!

Enough of that! Back to the barn with you!

But I’m supposed to go!

No! No!

But I want to go!

Listen, Slow Ned, it’s too long a journey.

And besides, what would you take to the Queen?

My most prized possession.

Oh, God, not that thing.

What’s this?

What are you taking to show Her Majesty?

My sheep turd.

You can’t take a turd to the Queen.

It’s just not done!

It’s not just any turd! It’s a special one!

It’s got a most intriguing shape.

It’s like a face. It’s got a profile, it does.

Looks like a pope or a bishop

or someone important.

You stupid twit.

All turds look like someone important.

Well, this one’s different! You wait and see!

( all laughing )

And so the four set off to the palace.

By the time they arrived, there were many ahead of them--

each one convinced that he had brought

exactly what the Queen wanted.

Thank you. Please be gone.

If one more person brings me something I don’t want,

he shall be killed.

Next!

Well, don’t just stand there.

Step up and show the Queen what you’ve brought.

This is amazing. Where did you find it?

In the meadow.

Where? Where did it come from?

A sheep’s butt.

What makes it shimmer like that?

It’s got little creatures living in it.

Ha! Why, it’s like a little world.

Ha ha ha!

Do they have a monarchy?

No, I think they’re a self-governing coalition.

Then we shall rule it!

Ha ha ha ha!

And so they did.

Slow Ned was rewarded for his inappropriate actions

and won the respect of his brothers.

The Queen finally got what she wanted--more power.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Good night.

Which brings me to my second point.

If we’re going to meet our third-quarter objectives,

we’re going to have to raise unit sales volume by 6%.

That means there’s no time to waste.

Now, you people in marketing really let us down last month,

and if there are any more screw-ups,

I’ll hang your asses out to dry. You understand?

Okay. As soon as the meeting’s over,

I’ll type all this off and hand it around.

Now, can I get anyone some coffee?

Yes, please, black. Yeah.

Fine. Now, I’ve analyzed the major obstacles

to our 6% sales growth,

and the problem seems to be with our Florida franchise.

Now, I know that a lot of you have decided against it,

but I think we should sell that division off to General Foods.

( phone ringing )

Good morning. Tetracorp Industries. How may I help you?

Uh-huh, that extension is 2326.

I’ll connect you. Have a nice day.

Okay, yesterday I got a fax from our Paris distributor

about an investment opportunity in Bonn,

but we’ll have to move fast.

I’d like to discuss it as soon as I’m done Xeroxing copies.

( indistinct chatter )

Miss Powell, uh...

perhaps I should get someone to do that.

Oh, no, it’s no problem. This’ll just take a few minutes.

I know. It’s just that your time is very valuable.

Shouldn’t you delegate jobs like this to other people?

Tom, in case you’re not aware,

I’m the president of a multinational corporation

with 400 people in my employ.

I think I know a little something about delegating authority.

( machine whirs )

Oh, damn. Angela!

Oh. Yes, Miss Powell, something I can do?

Yes, the copier jammed.

Call Xerox and tell them I’ll bring it over in an hour.

All right, people, that doesn’t give me much time.

Paul, do you have those figures on plant capacity?

Well, no, I thought you said you’d research it.

I did. I wrote the report and put it on your desk.

Oh, you want me to go get it?

No, I’ll pick it up when I empty the trash.

Now, don’t think I’ve forgotten you, Jerry.

We’re all dying to hear your presentation.

Are you ready? Yes, ma’am.

( clears throat )

First off...

you wanted me to remind you

to study conditions on the stock market.

And second of all, you wanted me to remind you

to come up with a fresh, creative, emotional campaign.

Good work, Jerry.

You’re not a V.P. for nothing.

Uh, excuse me?

Miss Powell, I’ve been working here for two years,

and I haven’t done a single thing.

And, uh, is there maybe another department

where I could be of more use to you?

( chuckles )

Well, well...

Eileen is making her big power play.

Such naked ambition is most unbecoming.

You’re fired. I’ll clean out your desk in the morning.

Let that be a lesson to everyone.

We can’t afford to butt heads around here.

There’s too much work to be done.

Now, Jerry, in case I forget,

remind me to call the airport,

make travel arrangements for that flight to Atlanta for the meeting.

Um...oh, yeah.

And there’s one other thing.

I just wanted you to check the stats on the--

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, no!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Do you hear that? She needs us!

Yes, she’s finally asking for our help.

I’m not talking to you people!

I’m talking to myself!

Come on, self!

You can do it!

Uhh! I did it.

And just in time.

I’ve got to get to the post office before 5:00!

I’ve got the mail, and I’m on Madison Avenue.

I’ll be there in five minutes.

*

Good night, everybody. Thank you for joining us.

Thank you to the Notting Hillbillies.

Thank you to the cast, thank you to the audience.

Thank you to Lorne, thank you to Toonces.

Thank you to Joe.

Thank you to life, basically.

Does anybody else--

God bless America!

Watch Murphy Brown.

And thank you to G.E. and the band.