Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: The Pat Stevens Show

will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you

the following special presentation.

( fanfare )

Why is this happening to me?

All this fuss over one stinking show.

I never meant to hurt nobody.

Look at me. I’m crying like a chick.

That’s it, there’s no point in going on anymore.

The Diceman’s checking out.

I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

( LAUGHS )

What’re you supposed to be?

I’m the devil, Mr. Clay.

Your guardian devil.

Hey, get out of my face, all right?

Can’t you see I wish I’d never been born.

You’ve got your wish, Diceman.

You’ve never been born.

Oh, yeah?

I don’t feel no different.

Well, you are.

And so is the world.

You don’t know it, but your absence has had

far reaching effects.

Follow me. ( CHUCKLES )

Move. Move! Go.

DICE: Let me ask you something. Where are we going?

DEVIL: You’ll see.

Man. Look at all those homeless people.

Did I have any effect on their lives?

No. Idiot.

Here we are.

Where?

Studio 8H.

Home of Saturday Night Live.

This is the show you were supposed to host,

but because you were never born,

Frank Zappa was booked instead.

Oh, my God.

Tell me about it.

Zappa went on an anti-censorship rant

for about 70 minutes.

With the thought police in Washington

watching us on their telescreens,

big brother Bush and his assistant

Right Marshal Tipper

will indubitably prevail

and freedom of speech will go the way

of 8-track tapes.

The ratings plummeted,

and led to the immediate cancellation of the show.

That’s horrible.

That’s not the worst of it.

Behold.

What is that?

That is Nora Dunn.

( LAUGHS )

Because you were never born, she was here that night.

And was accidentally crushed by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier.

That’s awful.

O’Connor felt so terrible, she never sang again.

That’s too bad. She was a cute, bald chick.

So what else? What else?

Did anything else happen because I didn’t live?

Yes.

Because your fans had their evenings free,

they were able to graduate high school.

That’s bad, I’m telling you. What a waste.

But tell me, devil, what about my film,

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

which opens on-- what’s that say?

July 6, 1990?

It did open, and was a smash hit.

Launching the career of the most brilliant,

comedic actor of his generation, Jon Lovitz!

( CHUCKLES )

Jon Lovitz? You mean that liar guy?

That wasn’t his only character.

Look, I can’t allow that to happen.

Take me back, Guardian Devil. I wanna live.

I wanna live, I wanna live. Oh! I wanna live.

Very well, Diceman.

I grant you your wish.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

DON PARDO: It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical Guest, The Spanic Boys.

Julee Cruise.

and starring

Andrew Dice Clay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Andrew Dice Clay.

All right!

How are ya?

That’s about all I can say tonight,

know what I’m saying?

How are ya?

I see we pulled in a few people.

Now, I know a lot of you people might recognize this jacket.

The only other time I wore this jacket

was on my one appearance on MTV last year.

But don’t worry, I ain’t gonna curse.

I mean that. I don’t need it no more.

I got enough PR this week.

And I think the only thing I could do to top it

is to take my penis and wrap it around a microphone stand.

I ain’t gonna do that. I don’t believe in that.

I never did.

Know what I mean?

But I know, they make me out to be a bad guy.

Sometimes I feel like Al Pacino in Scarface.

You know the scene.

He’s at the dinner table and he sitting there like

That’s right.

Look at me, you piece of "jit."

I’m the bad guy, right?

Wrong! That’s why I’m here tonight.

And we got a good looking crowd.

We got some cute chicks in the audience.

How are you, honey? Nice to have you here.

You live alone? Bup!

I am gonna keep it clean ’cause I have other talents

other than a foul mouth,

even though I know how to make a rhyme so beautiful.

I mean, even coming down here tonight.

Situations happen that aren’t that dirty.

It’s like I’m walking down to the studio today, right?

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere,

this mugger comes out of an alley with a knife.

He’s going, "Hey, gimmie your wallet."

I’m going whoa, whoa.

What kind of attitude is that?

That’s how you ask me for something?

I go, "Number one, I don’t carry a wallet.

"I never did. I don’t believe in it.

"Know what I mean?

"But I carry a gun.

Now gimmie your wallet."

So then we’re walking down here together.

See, I get along with people.

I do a lot of great things.

I just bought this fish tank. Know what I mean?

I don’t like fish, I like the tanks,

so I put my dog in it.

I got a lot of clean jokes.

I just forget ’em all the time.

Know what I’m saying? That’s what I’m saying.

I don’t know.

But, look, he’s thinking about that.

Think about it for 15 minutes.

Take an hour. Back! Get it?

Hour back?

Call you back in an hour back!

You’re laughing and you don’t even know

what you’re laughing about.

It’s ’cause I’m funny, stupid.

I don’t have to tell jokes.

I could just keep saying call you in an hour back.

Get it? And you keep laughing.

You know why? You’re a moron.

You living with this girl now? Things are good?

Yeah, all right.

- Married? - Getting married.

You’re getting married.

So you won’t have any money in a few years.

You know what I mean? But the wedding’s beautiful.

I like the part of the wedding

where you take the garter belt off.

And everybody’s looking like they’ve never seen skin.

They’re going, oooh.

Right? Yeah, sure. Right?

She’s pure as silk.

That’s why they wear the white dress.

They’re in a white dress like they’re pure.

Like there isn’t a guy sitting in the back of the chapel going,

"White dress? I had this bitch when she was 15."

We’re gonna give you a great show tonight.

You’re gonna have a great time.

I’m gonna be unbelievable like always.

So stick around. We’ll be right back.

I’ll call you back, yeah.

Hello. Are you seeking employment?

Uh-huh. I’ve been unemployed for about six months now.

Uh-huh. Do you speak English?

Habla Inglés?

Yes, I speak English.

Are you a law enforcement officer?

No, I’m not a law enforcement officer.

Are you aware that if you are a law enforcement officer

you are required to reveal your identity

as a law enforcement officer?

Um, no, I wasn’t aware of that.

But you are not a law enforcement officer?

No.

Okay, have a seat, fill out these forms

declaring that you are not a law enforcement officer,

and make out the check to the Diceman Employment Agency.

Okay, I’ll call this guy like you says.

All right, tell him the Diceman sent you, all right?

Okay.

Yo, next.

Oh, that’s me.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

I see you was some kind of teach, huh?

Yes, English Lit.

Okay, then.

I got a call from Vassar today.

They need someone to teach Shakespeare to the cheerleaders.

Really? No, stupid.

Oh, that would be perfect, though.

What are you, a moron? Look.

It’s a tough economy out there, right?

Things are hurting all over.

Now I see you got a wife, you got two kids.

Maybe experiencing a financial crunch.

Oh, yes. Kids are very expensive.

Yeah, they’re worth it, aren’t they?

Oh, yes, aren’t they something?

Shut up, stupid, would you please?

How does $10 thousand a week sound, huh?

Ho! That’s more than I made as a teacher.

That’s a lot more.

What is it? "What is it?"

Well, looking here at your aptitude and experience

it’s my belief that you would make an excellent

crack dealer.

Me?

Yeah, a couple positions opened up this morning.

Gosh, uh--

I don’t know about that.

It’s tempting, very tempting.

Don’t you have something else up there that might...?

Let’s see. I got something.

But it only pays $3 thousand a week.

Oh, that will be great. What is that?

A lookout.

Basically you would watch for police

while your coworkers sell the drugs.

Uh-huh.

Important position, lots of responsibility.

You get to work for great people.

Uh...

I don’t know.

All right, look, I can place you as a car stereo fence.

You would sell stolen car stereos and tape decks.

I don’t really know that much about stereo components.

I was thinking maybe-- ( PHONE RINGS )

Yeah?

Really?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right, let me see if I can find someone.

Today’s your lucky day.

How do you feel about violence?

Violence?

It’s a long story. Some guy welched on a loan,

and we need someone to beat the crap out of him.

Gosh, I-- I couldn’t hit anybody.

Ugh. Would you be willing to hold the guy’s arms back

while another guy beats the crap out of him?

It pays a little less, but, you know.

Tell you what. Let me try that lookout job.

I think that’s more me.

All right.

Here’s what I want you to do.

You call Claude. All right.

You tell him the Diceman sent you, all right?

All right, I will.

And dress a little different.

I will call him. Thank you.

Wear glasses or something. Thank you.

You next, sweetheart? Come on in.

The name is Shelly Braun.

Good. Move.

Come on, sit down.

Ming!

Mind if I smoke?

Well, actually, I would prefer to work

in a smoke-free environment.

Yeah, well-- You ain’t working yet.

Let me see. Looking at your forms here,

I like the way you fill out a check, you know?

Clear, retoratative.

I see you’re actually a high school graduate.

You got special skills here. Typing.

You do word processing?

No.

No, huh?

I got it. I see it.

Hooker.

Hooker?

I’m telling you, hooker, street walker,

call it what you will, you get paid, baby.

Gee, I don’t know.

You Nicky?

Maybe.

You’ve made an awful lot of people very angry, Nicky.

( YELLING, GRUNTING )

All right, Ike. That’s enough.

The man wants his money!

I’m gonna give you a name and a number.

I want you to go to the street corner, right?

You ask for a guy named Claude.

I think, maybe, I’m gonna enroll in a word processing school.

Thank you. That’s up to you, baby.

But the job won’t be here when you get back.

Okay, I’ll take it.

*

( SPEAKS GERMAN ) Isn’t that special?

Und wouldn’t be prudent! Und want to pump you up!

DON PARDO: Jeers to Saturday Night Live

for stealing our Hitler idea.

What’s next? A commercial?

The following program is brought to you by

a grant from the CHUBB group.

*

Hello, and welcome to The Anal Retentive Chef.

I’m Gene.

Tomorrow is a very special day, Mother’s Day,

so we have a very special show planned.

My guest is none other than my mentor,

teacher and friends,

the pundit of my pantry,

my mother.

Hello, Eugene.

Please call me Gene, mother.

Well, if that’s what you want. It’s your show, isn’t it?

Yes, it is. And welcome to it.

This must be very exciting for you.

You’ve never been on a television show.

Actually, I don’t care for TV.

We liked Ed Sullivan, but they took him off.

You know, very bad.

Well, we always have fun on this show, don’t we?

And today we’re preparing a special

Mother’s Day lady finger cake.

Now, we have our platter of lady fingers.

And let’s turn it this way, shall we?

So the lady fingers are parallel.

And, of course, we have a rich, brown

chocolate mousse.

Oh, with just a dollop of mousse on the bowl.

The edge of the bowl.

So we don’t wanna start our show with a mess, do we?

So let’s just wipe that off.

And there. Now it’s clean.

And we clean up the nasty mess here.

And then we fold our crisp, white towel over upon itself,

so we don’t have to look at the stain,

but, we know it’s there, don’t we?

So mother, will you get out the pre-soak basket?

I’d be glad to.

And what are we going to do?

Well--

We’re going to spray the stain, of course we are.

Yes, indeed.

And then we’re going to fold the towel

and place it into our Ziploc bag.

And seal.

And on the bag, we have tape.

And with our trusty pen, we can label the tape

and we know today is Saturday.

Saturday.

And our stain is chocolate.

Chocolate.

There. All ready for the wash.

Thank you very much, mother.

All right, we’re back to our cake,

and I’m going to add a sunburst of lady fingers

and Bing cherries on top of the whipped-cream layer.

Wont’ that be fun? I think so.

And we have two dozen perfect lady fingers here.

And, uh-- 12 Bing cherries that have been pitted,

halved and peeled over here.

So we’re all ready to begin.

This cookie is broken right here.

Do you see that, Eugene? It’s broken.

Yes, I do. It is broken.

So let’s remove that.

That leaves us with 23, which is an odd number,

so let’s go with 22.

Then we’ll be even, so I’ll take this one off.

And then we’ll space these out evenly.

And now we’ll have to remove a cherry half too.

And let’s balance it, no, I think over here.

You’re right. Because it’s symmetrical.

Take this one off too.

And, Mother, would you do the honors

and dispose of our refuse.

All right.

You know, on Gilbert and Sullivan’s delightful operetta,

H.M.S. Pinafore,

Buttercup, who is usually played by a mezzo-soprano

sings that marvelous lyric,

"Things are seldom what they seem,

skim milk masquerades as cream."

Buttercup is singing, of course,

about a mix-up at birth, not her cholesterol level.

And we, like Buttercup,

aren’t concerned with our cholesterol either,

because it’s Mother’s Day.

And that makes our dessert very special.

So we’re using real cream in our mousse

and in our whipped cream.

Indeed, yes.

Now where do we keep our tape now, Eugene?

Well, we keep our tape under our tape dispenser cozy.

And if you’ll center the tape...

I will center it.

On the bag, excellent.

All ready for the trash. Indeed.

All right, let’s get back to our lady finger cake,

because this is one of Mother’s favorites.

No, it isn’t.

Yes, it is. No.

But you made it all the time.

It was your father’s favorite.

I made it because he liked it.

I didn’t, but I loved him, so I made it.

When you say, "I will," at the altar,

that’s what you mean, I will.

You don’t say "I shall" at a wedding,

because I shall is future conditional.

It’s like saying, I’ll try.

But "I will" is future determination

and it means you will.

And I did. Every day.

As does every mother.

And that’s why we’re using your recipe.

Well, I never cared for it, but it’s your program, isn’t it?

Is something wrong? No.

You sighed. No, I didn’t.

Yes, we heard it, didn’t we?

Well, if you say I sighed, I guess I did, didn’t I?

You know, you should never put tinfoil

under your burners, Eugene.

It keeps them clean.

Crumbs get in there. The bugs come in.

Well, we’ve never seen a bug here, have we?

They come out at night.

I have an idea.

Let’s break tradition this year

and go out for Mother’s Day dinner.

Well, if you want to.

I do want to. Mmm-hmm.

Wherever you wanna go. Anywhere, you just name it.

Doesn’t matter. I guess the Ramada Inn

at the airport is fine.

All right.

What’s wrong? Nothing.

You sighed. No, I didn’t.

You don’t wanna go. No, we’ll go.

You could just drop me off there

and I’ll just call a friend to pick me up, doesn’t matter.

I don’t mind.

Well, I would drive myself, but my eyes are so bad.

I have these cataracts my doctor says,

I just hope that I die before I go completely blind.

I don’t mind.

Just let me clean up before we go.

You know, Gene, you should always start

at the bottom and work your way down.

Just let me get my bucket out here.

We’re gonna get the bucket and also you can really clean

the seams in the counter with an old toothbrush.

That you must first, what?

Boil it.

Yes, I’ve done that.

Is this a new box of baking soda?

This has beenCooking With The Anal Retentive Chef.

*

DON PARDO: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Well, good evening, and what can I tell you?

Scientists this week have succeeded

for the first time in establishing a colony

of human brain cells

that divide and grow in laboratory dishes.

They’re now going about their next task,

looking for someone to implant the brain cells into.

And in a related story...

You know, Soviet military veterans

gathered at the Kremlin in Moscow this week

to celebrate the 45th anniversary

of the WWII Soviet victory over Nazi Germany.

The celebration got underway 18 hours late

as those entering the hall had to clear a metal detector.

Secretary of State James Baker

howled in Warsaw this week when solidarity leader,

Lech Walesa, gave himself a titty twister.

And Soviet Foreign Minister, Eduard Shevardnadze,

and U.S. Secretary of State, James Baker,

on Friday met with comedian Gallagher,

and Shevardnadze said he liked it

when Gallagher crushed the cantaloupe.

Baker said, "You shouldn’t have cut your hair."

And Pope John Paul II met with Gallagher this week,

he said he really liked it when he crushed the watermelon,

whereupon Gallagher hit pontiff with a mallet.

Protestors in Lithuania paused for a moment today

when they learned that a sandwich they had been sharing

on the picket line was found to have a human hair in it.

And in Manhattan tomorrow,

a free music concert is being held in Central Park.

Here with a sample of some of some of the entertainment

is Annoying Symphony

led by our own Annoying Man.

( WHINES )

Thank you.

( HUMS BLUE DANUBE WALTZ, SNORTS, COUGHS )

Don’t, don’t, don’t.

( CONTINUES ANNOYING HUMMING )

( LOUD SCRAPE )

( CONTINUES HUMMING )

( LOUD SCRAPING )

All right, enough, enough, enough!

( LOUD SCREAM )

Get out of here.

You’re a sorry excuse for a human being.

Get out of here and take that big zit on your face with you.

What zit?

That zit. Right there.

Get out of here, you freak.

I love you.

Annoying Man, folks.

Thank you.

( AS DICEMAN ) Hey, snapper head.

And Washington D.C. mayor, Marion Barry

was indicted on six more cocaine charges yesterday

to further compound the mayor’s difficulties.

A large hand grabbed the mayor’s groin

and demanded his carnation.

Barry declined to comment on the hand,

referring questions to his attorney.

This week, a senate committee report estimated

that one in one hundred Americans uses cocaine weekly.

The numbers for New York are even worse.

One in 40 New Yorkers is a cocaine addict.

Now there are about 320 people in this studio audience tonight,

that means there are eight people here

who are laughing just a little too hard at that joke.

This week at the all women Mill’s College in California,

they announced that the school would go co-ed.

And here’s what happened.

... has voted to admit men...

( LOUD SCREAMING )

The first lucky male to register for matriculation

is our own Andrew Dice Clay.

Students at the all women’s Wellesley College

outside of Boston continue to protest

Barbara Bush’s appearance at their upcoming commencement,

claiming that Mrs. Bush has achieved nothing on her own,

but is famous just because of her connection

to her famous husband.

Yeah, I guess none of the girls at Wellesley

have ever used parents’ connections

to get into the college, huh?

No, that would be impossible.

This is an actual picture of the 1.5 billion dollar

Hubble Space Telescope

after it was deployed by the space shuttle, Discovery.

God, I wish those astronauts

would quit leaving the seat up like that.

And an additional story.

After two weeks in orbit, the Hubble Space Telescope

was finally sending back

its first pictures from outer space,

but they are a little shaky as you can see from this shot.

Well, in the entertainment news,

Back To the Future III opens nationwide, May 25th.

And right now, Weekend Update has an exclusive interview

with the star of that film, Michael J. Fox.

He just finished filming

the second and third installments back to back,

and now he’s on location in the Philippines.

Michael, what’re you doing down there?

Hey, Dennis.

I’m doing Casualties Of War III,

II, III and IV back to back.

Sounds like a lot of work, Mike.

So you’ve got Future III coming out now.

I remember in the second one, you played three characters

other than yourself.

What’s gonna happen in this one?

Dennis, this one’s even better,

I play 14 different characters

including a dog and a chair.

It’s gonna be a real stretch.

Sounds great. Hey, Mike?

Give us a scene from Casualties II, babe.

Oh, you want a little taste?

Sarge, um...

what’re we doing here exactly?

You know, you gotta give me a minute on this, Sarge.

Mallory? Mal?

Mike, thank you.

Michael, okay. Thank you Michael Fox.

Due to the continuing success

of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlesmovie,

an English production company has announced

the clever parody of the film entitled,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Rutles.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a second.

There’s something wrong here tonight.

I think we can all feel it.

There’s a pressure in the room that I’m not used to.

I think it’s obviously due to the events of this week.

And I think until somebody speaks to those events,

this pressure’s gonna remain untapped

and, well, okay, I’ll go out on a line.

I’ll be the one to talk about it.

It’s obvious we’re all feeling a little uptight

because Stepfanie Kramer has left Hunter.

But if we are any kind of human beings,

we will get on with the business of living.

Because that’s the way Sgt. Dee Dee McCall

would’ve wanted it.

( LAUGHS )

Little thespian thing there.

Pepsi said the-- Sorry.

And Pepsi revealed it’s new, radical

summer can design this week.

Pepsi said the new can has been designed

in an effort to appear unimpressed by their competition.

Here from the Ford Museum in Grand Rapids, Michigan,

is a candid photo of President Gerald Ford

sitting in the Oval Office with his golden retriever,

Liberty, at hand.

Liberty is the one credited

with teaching Ford to roll over.

And Casey Kasem’s wife Jean preformed to sell-out crowds

in Dallas and Houston this week.

In a controversial play yesterday,

shortstop for the Atlanta Braves

ripped out the heart of Pittsburgh Pirate Jay Bell.

Showed it to him, then threw onto first

for a double play.

A spokesman for the Braves said their shortstop

is an Aztec and a bit unfamiliar

with American baseball rules.

In Sacramento, California,

city public works officials are looking for a good,

non-sexist term for the word manhole.

What about their holes, okay?

I guess there’s no disagreement on the word

that ends in "hole" that we should use

for the Sacramento city council.

And Leonard Nimoy came out with a new book this week

entitled, Come To Think of It, I am Spock.

And original Musketeer, Darlene Gillespie,

is suing Walt Disney Productions

because she said Disney took advantage of her youth in 1955,

and deprived her of profits.

* M-I-C * See you in court.

* K-E-Y * Why? Because you screwed me.

* L-O-U-S-E *

And former Led Zeppelin singer, Robert Plant,

admitted this week that he has, in fact, become

Brenda Vaccaro.

You know, I just wanna go on record right now

saying I’m gonna boycott next week’s Candy Bergen show.

And I think you know why.

Guess what folks, that’s the news and I am outa here.

*

DON PARDO: NBC is proud to present

an after-school special with Andrew Dice Clay.

Dad, What’s Sex?

Hi, Dad. Hey, Timmy.

Hey! Hold on. What’s that long look in your face, huh?

Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

Hey, come on. Come down here, you can talk to your old man.

Siddown. What’s the matter?

Dad, what’s sex?

What brings that up?

Well. The other kids at school were laughing

and giggling about it, like it was dirty.

What is it?

Well, let me tell ya’ something, Timmy.

I don’t know why those kids are laughing.

Because there’s nothin’ dirty about--

there’s nothin’ more beautiful, more wholesome,

or more natural, than poontang.

Really?

Absolutely. You see, Mother Nature

has given Man a thing we--

we refer to as the dong.

He gave me one, and, he gave you one.

Uh-huh.

And, to women, he gave something...

called the honeypot.

But why?

Well, it’s because when a man and woman

love each other very much,

they wanna show it.

And the way they do that is

by strappin’ it on, you know what I mean?

I think so. Is that like what Scruffy does to my leg?

Yeah. Only, not as often.

I don’t think I’m ever gonna have sex.

Oh, I think one day you’ll really be wanting some poontang.

Well, how will I know when I’m ready?

Oh, you’ll know.

Pretty soon, you’ll be gettin’ some pubes.

Next thing you know, you’ll pop a boinger or two, you know?

And you’ll be thinkin’ about givin’ someone

that nice baloney pony, you know what I’m sayin’?

No way.

Hey, look, look, look, Timmy.

Timmy, come on, you’re my kid. Right?

Don’t feel pressured into poontang.

When you’re ready for poontang, poontang will be ready for you.

It will?

Oh, yeah. And, remember:

you have to act responsibly with a chick,

you know what I’m sayin’?

You don’t want to knock her up.

You don’t want to give her your real name.

Your real address. Your real phone number.

And always wear a raincoat on the fireman,

if you know what I’m sayin’. Has this helped you at all?

Yeah, thanks, Dad.

That’s my boy. Anything else you wanna know?

Well, I did have one more question.

Shoot.

Do you think the Mets have a chance this year?

( LAUGHS )

That’s my boy. Go do your homework.

Okay.

DON PARDO: And now, in response toDad, What’s Sex,

is Martin Stokely of Planned Parenthood.

While we at Planned Parenthood

agree more or less with the message

of Mr. Clay’s after-school special,

we take exception to the use of certain words or phrases.

For instance, we object to the word, dong.

We feel that a more appropriate word is tallywhacker.

Also, instead of honeypot,

possibly a better phrase would’ve been

the vertical smile.

Or the silk igloo.

And is poontang really

the proper way to describe nookie?

We don’t think so.

However, we do appreciate the fact that the word "boinger"

was used correctly.

Thank you, NBC.

*

DON PARDO: And now from the makers ofRaging Bull,

another episode of Ridiculous Bull.

Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

Thanks, Jake. Thanks.

You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey!

You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey.

Come sit down, we got twenty minutes

before the ball game.

You look really good, Joey, you know?

Thanks, Jake, thanks.

You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, sure.

If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn’t you?

Sure, whatever you want, yeah.

Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

What?

Hit me in the face, Joey.

Come on, let’s go to the game.

Joey, hit me in the face. I’m your older brother.

I’m askin’ you to do something.

Oh, come on, Jake! What’s it gonna prove?!

What’s it gonna prove? Two things:

I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin’ me down!

Now hit me in the face!

I don’t wanna hit--

Harder. Harder! Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey? I’m still standin’!

Let’s go to the game.

You see that, Joey?

Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

What?

Break the plate over my head, Joey.

Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

Oh, come on. Hit me with the plate!

I’m askin’ ya, I’m your brother, Joey --

Hit me, Joey.

Harder, Joey! Harder! Pick up the glass.

Pick up the glass. Pick up the glass, Joey.

You see, Joey? You see? I’m still standin’, Joey!

Okay. I’m still standing, Joey.

Do me a favor, Joey. What?

Pick up the bat, Joey.

What? Pick it up, Joey.

You’re crazy.

I’m crazy, huh? I’m crazy, huh?

Hit me with the bat, Joey.

Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I’m still standin’!

You’re never gonna get me down, Joey!

You ain’t never gonna get me down, Joey!

Joey, you’re my brother, right?

Yeah. You wanna do me a favor?

Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

That’s ridiculous!

Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

But -- come on, let’s go to the game!

Pick it up or I’ll kill ya’, Joey!

I’m tellin’ ya, you’re gonna make me snap, Joey!

Hit me with the bowling ball!

But, Jake, I really don’t--

Smash my skull in, Joey!

Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey!

I’m still standin’, huh?

Can we go to the game now?

Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

What’s that gonna prove?

Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey!

I’m tellin’ ya, smash my skull in!

I ain’t gonna do it.

You ain’t gonna do it? You ain’t gonna do it?

I’m your older brother, I’m tellin’ ya,

smash my head in, Joey!

Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder!

Harder! Harder! Harder! Harder!

You see, that, Joey! You can’t even hit me no more!

You missed me, Joey, you see what I’m sayin’!

You see what I’m -- heeyy, heeyy, Joey!

Ohh, you’re crazy, now, huh?

Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

Pick up the what?

Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

It’s 1948!!

I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

Pick up the microwave.

Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

I got a spot on my shirt?

I got a spot on my shirt?

Look at me, Joey! I’m still standin’, Joey!

I’m still standin’, Joey, huh!

You think you’re gonna get -- you wanna go? You wanna go?

You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refrigerator , Joey.

Ah, come on!

Smash my skull in with the refrigerator , Joey!

I’ll get a hernia! I’m your brother.

I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey, I’m your brother.

You’re nuts. Hit me with the refrigerator !

Look at you. Look at you.

Smash my head in with the refrigerator !

Go ahead! hit me with the refrigerator !

Come on, Joey! Harder!

You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey!

Look at me! See! See, I’m still --

Your cuts are opening! My cuts?

I love you, Joey! Get over here, you’re my brother!

Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

Yeah. You wanna go to the ball game?

Wanna go to the ball game?

Let’s go.

Don’t forget to shut the window.

Ain’t you coming?

Joey. Come here a minute.

What do you want, Jack?

You’re my brother, right? Yeah.

You do me a favor? Sure.

Throw me out the window, Joey.

What-- What’s it gonna prove?

Two things: I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong thing

about gettin’ me down. Now, throw me out the window!

We’re on the first floor.

We’re on the first floor, huh?

Let’s go to the roof, Joey.

We’re going to the roof, Joey. You’re crazy.

Yeah, I seen him last night.

He was with two chicks.

Tell me something I don’t know.

Where is he at now?

Yeah, he promised we’d get to hear every detail here.

Relax, boys, I’m right over here.

- Did you score? - Hey, Joe!

All in good time. All in good time.

Now who’s gonna give me a light?

Oh, right here.

Here, Johnny.

Here yo go, Johnny.

* Cool Mite He gets around *

* Cool Mite He owns the town *

* He’s shockingly small, but that’s okay *

* It’s the way he handles himself *

* He’s one foot tall but he pulls it off *

* It’s all about confidence *

* ’Cause he’s Cool Mite *

* Cool Mite *

So anyways, I’m doing it with this chick, right?

And she’s moaning like there’s no tomorrow.

Whoa!

Yeah, but now I’m done.

- Oh. - Yeah, sure.

So anyway, I’m resting on her eyelids,

she’s screaming, more, more.

Who’s got some beer for me anyway?

( ALL CLAMORING )

Come on. Hey, easy with that.

Hey, come here.

Come a little closer.

( GUNSHOT ) Boom, ya, jerkoff.

I got a cap full of foam here.

Anyway, so I’m done with this chick.

And then she wants to hold me, but I’m like,

hey, forget about it.

I’m gone, sayonara. Right through the mail slot.

We hear you, Johnny.

So how you get home, man?

Easy, I caught a ride with a sparrow, you know?

You guys gotta be resourceful if you’re gonna get some, hey.

What a night! Oh!

Oh, I know where I’m parking my road hog.

Hey, honey, you live alone, or what?

Who said that?

I said that.

You got a lot of nerve.

Do I? Beat it.

Hey, too bad, Johnny.

Too bad? You don’t know what you’re talking about.

You gotta know how to operate. She wants me, believe me.

Wow!

Hey, watch and learn, boys.

Johnny, does this mean you’re not cruising with us tonight?

Hey, don’t panic.

The whole ting thing will take me five minutes.

Unless she makes me take off her bra.

Oh.

You’re the coolest, Johnny.

How does he do it?

I wish I could handle myself that way.

Me too.

Learn from me, boys.

( DOG GROWLS ) Hey!

Hey, whoa! Hey, dog!

Come on!

Johnny! Johnny! Come back here, Johnny.

Come back here, Johnny.

Help me out over here!

Sorry about that, Johnny.

You all right? You all right, Johnny?

I’m fine, stupid.

You ruined your coat over there.

Time to hit the toy store, man.

G.I. Joe’s got this fly jacket had my eye on.

Let’s go!

There he is! There he is!

That’s the man who stole my Strawberry, officer.

I didn’t steal nothing.

Where’s the berry, Johnny?

Forget it, McGuire.

You got nothing on me.

All right.

You win this round,

but I’ll nail you yet, Cool Mite.

( LAUGHS )

Well, boys, I don’t know about you,

but I sure could use a little snack.

( LAUGHTER )

How does he do it?

Coolest, oh! I just don’t get it, Johnny.

It’s like something you’re born with.

Oh. Gimmie the dog.

* Cool Mite He get’s around *

* Cool Mite He owns the town *

* Cool Mite Getting it done *

* Cool Mite He’ll beat you up *

* Cool Mite Fits in your hand *

* Cool Mite Knows how to stand *

And now, here’s a scene from next week’s Cool Mite.

Johnny, that was so good.

We’re finished, baby. Now, split.

Kojak’s coming on.

And hey, if you find my underwear,

leave it on the Strawberry.

I’m so cool.

* Cool Mite *

Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Earlier, you heard from my fellow cast member,

Jan Hooks, about her objection to Andrew Dice Clay

hosting tonight’s show.

Well, her form of protest,

walking through sketches, is certainly valid.

I’ve chosen a different means of expressing my outrage.

Tonight, I am refusing to appear

in all but three sketches.

I feel that by doing only three sketches,

and really scoring in those three,

I would make more of a statement

by appearing in six or seven sketches

in small, supporting roles.

I know this stance may not be popular,

but as a comedian,

I’ve never particularly cared about popularity.

I just want you to like me, I’m Kevin Nealon.

I’d like to thank The Spanic Boys! Julee Cruise!

The cast of "Saturday Night Live"!

Did ya’ have a great time?

All right! And I want to say "Happy Mother’s Day"

to my mother, and every other mother out there!

Take care!