All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E19.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

ANNOUNCER:
The Pat Stevens Show

will not be seen tonight
so that we may bring you

the following special
presentation.

( fanfare )

Why is this
happening to me?

All this fuss over
one stinking show.

I never meant to hurt nobody.

Look at me.
I’m crying like a chick.

That’s it, there’s no point
in going on anymore.

The Diceman’s checking out.

I wouldn’t do
that if I were you.

( LAUGHS )

What’re you
supposed to be?

I’m the devil, Mr. Clay.

Your guardian devil.

Hey, get out of my face,
all right?

Can’t you see I wish
I’d never been born.

You’ve got your wish, Diceman.

You’ve never been born.

Oh, yeah?

I don’t feel
no different.

Well, you are.

And so is the world.

You don’t know it,
but your absence has had

far reaching effects.

Follow me.
( CHUCKLES )

Move. Move! Go.

DICE:
Let me ask you something.
Where are we going?

DEVIL: You’ll see.

Man. Look at all
those homeless people.

Did I have any effect
on their lives?

No. Idiot.

Here we are.

Where?

Studio 8H.

Home of Saturday
Night Live.

This is the show you were
supposed to host,

but because you
were never born,

Frank Zappa
was booked instead.

Oh, my God.

Tell me about it.

Zappa went on
an anti-censorship rant

for about 70 minutes.

With the thought police
in Washington

watching us on their
telescreens,

big brother Bush
and his assistant

Right Marshal Tipper

will indubitably prevail

and freedom of speech
will go the way

of 8-track tapes.

The ratings plummeted,

and led to the immediate
cancellation of the show.

That’s horrible.

That’s not the worst of it.

Behold.

What is that?

That is Nora Dunn.

( LAUGHS )

Because you were never born,
she was here that night.

And was accidentally crushed
by Sinead O’Connor’s amplifier.

That’s awful.

O’Connor felt so terrible,
she never sang again.

That’s too bad.
She was a cute, bald chick.

So what else?
What else?

Did anything else happen
because I didn’t live?

Yes.

Because your fans had
their evenings free,

they were able to
graduate high school.

That’s bad, I’m telling you.
What a waste.

But tell me, devil,
what about my film,

The Adventures of
Ford Fairlane

which opens on--
what’s that say?

July 6, 1990?

It did open,
and was a smash hit.

Launching the career
of the most brilliant,

comedic actor of his
generation, Jon Lovitz!

( CHUCKLES )

Jon Lovitz?
You mean that liar guy?

That wasn’t his
only character.

Look, I can’t allow
that to happen.

Take me back, Guardian Devil.
I wanna live.

I wanna live, I wanna live.
Oh! I wanna live.

Very well, Diceman.

I grant you your wish.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

DON PARDO:
It’sSaturday Night Live.

With Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Musical Guest,
The Spanic Boys.

Julee Cruise.

and starring

Andrew Dice Clay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Andrew Dice Clay.

All right!

How are ya?

That’s about all
I can say tonight,

know what I’m saying?

How are ya?

I see we pulled
in a few people.

Now, I know a lot of you people
might recognize this jacket.

The only other time
I wore this jacket

was on my one appearance
on MTV last year.

But don’t worry,
I ain’t gonna curse.

I mean that.
I don’t need it no more.

I got enough PR this week.

And I think the only thing
I could do to top it

is to take my penis and wrap
it around a microphone stand.

I ain’t gonna do that.
I don’t believe in that.

I never did.

Know what I mean?

But I know, they make me out
to be a bad guy.

Sometimes I feel like
Al Pacino in Scarface.

You know the scene.

He’s at the dinner
table and he sitting there like

That’s right.

Look at me,
you piece of "jit."

I’m the bad guy, right?

Wrong! That’s why
I’m here tonight.

And we got a
good looking crowd.

We got some cute chicks
in the audience.

How are you, honey?
Nice to have you here.

You live alone?
Bup!

I am gonna keep it clean
’cause I have other talents

other than a foul mouth,

even though I know how to
make a rhyme so beautiful.

I mean, even coming
down here tonight.

Situations happen that
aren’t that dirty.

It’s like I’m walking down
to the studio today, right?

And all of a sudden,
out of nowhere,

this mugger comes out of
an alley with a knife.

He’s going,
"Hey, gimmie your wallet."

I’m going whoa, whoa.

What kind of
attitude is that?

That’s how you ask me for
something?

I go, "Number one,
I don’t carry a wallet.

"I never did.
I don’t believe in it.

"Know what I mean?

"But I carry a gun.

Now gimmie your wallet."

So then we’re walking
down here together.

See, I get along with people.

I do a lot of great things.

I just bought this fish tank.
Know what I mean?

I don’t like fish,
I like the tanks,

so I put my dog in it.

I got a lot of clean jokes.

I just forget ’em
all the time.

Know what I’m saying?
That’s what I’m saying.

I don’t know.

But, look, he’s
thinking about that.

Think about it for 15 minutes.

Take an hour.
Back! Get it?

Hour back?

Call you back in an hour back!

You’re laughing
and you don’t even know

what you’re laughing about.

It’s ’cause I’m funny, stupid.

I don’t have to tell jokes.

I could just keep saying
call you in an hour back.

Get it?
And you keep laughing.

You know why?
You’re a moron.

You living with this girl now?
Things are good?

Yeah, all right.

- Married?
- Getting married.

You’re getting married.

So you won’t have any
money in a few years.

You know what I mean?
But the wedding’s beautiful.

I like the part
of the wedding

where you take the
garter belt off.

And everybody’s looking like
they’ve never seen skin.

They’re going, oooh.

Right? Yeah, sure. Right?

She’s pure as silk.

That’s why they wear
the white dress.

They’re in a white dress
like they’re pure.

Like there isn’t a guy sitting
in the back of the chapel going,

"White dress? I had this
bitch when she was 15."

We’re gonna give you
a great show tonight.

You’re gonna have
a great time.

I’m gonna be unbelievable
like always.

So stick around.
We’ll be right back.

I’ll call you back, yeah.

Hello. Are you seeking
employment?

Uh-huh. I’ve been unemployed
for about six months now.

Uh-huh.
Do you speak English?

Habla Inglés?

Yes, I speak English.

Are you a law enforcement
officer?

No, I’m not a law
enforcement officer.

Are you aware that if you are
a law enforcement officer

you are required
to reveal your identity

as a law enforcement
officer?

Um, no,
I wasn’t aware of that.

But you are not a law
enforcement officer?

No.

Okay, have a seat,
fill out these forms

declaring that you are not
a law enforcement officer,

and make out the check to
the Diceman Employment Agency.

Okay, I’ll call this
guy like you says.

All right, tell him the
Diceman sent you, all right?

Okay.

Yo, next.

Oh, that’s me.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

I see you was some
kind of teach, huh?

Yes, English Lit.

Okay, then.

I got a call
from Vassar today.

They need someone to teach
Shakespeare to the cheerleaders.

Really?
No, stupid.

Oh, that would
be perfect, though.

What are you, a moron?
Look.

It’s a tough economy
out there, right?

Things are hurting
all over.

Now I see you got a wife,
you got two kids.

Maybe experiencing
a financial crunch.

Oh, yes.
Kids are very expensive.

Yeah, they’re worth it,
aren’t they?

Oh, yes,
aren’t they something?

Shut up, stupid,
would you please?

How does $10 thousand
a week sound, huh?

Ho! That’s more than
I made as a teacher.

That’s a lot more.

What is it?
"What is it?"

Well, looking here
at your aptitude and experience

it’s my belief that you
would make an excellent

crack dealer.

Me?

Yeah, a couple positions
opened up this morning.

Gosh, uh--

I don’t know about that.

It’s tempting, very tempting.

Don’t you have something
else up there that might...?

Let’s see.
I got something.

But it only pays
$3 thousand a week.

Oh, that will be great.
What is that?

A lookout.

Basically you would
watch for police

while your coworkers
sell the drugs.

Uh-huh.

Important position,
lots of responsibility.

You get to work
for great people.

Uh...

I don’t know.

All right, look, I can place
you as a car stereo fence.

You would sell stolen car
stereos and tape decks.

I don’t really know that much
about stereo components.

I was thinking maybe--
( PHONE RINGS )

Yeah?

Really?

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All right, let me see
if I can find someone.

Today’s your lucky day.

How do you feel
about violence?

Violence?

It’s a long story.
Some guy welched on a loan,

and we need someone to beat
the crap out of him.

Gosh, I-- I couldn’t
hit anybody.

Ugh. Would you be willing
to hold the guy’s arms back

while another guy beats
the crap out of him?

It pays a little less,
but, you know.

Tell you what.
Let me try that lookout job.

I think that’s more me.

All right.

Here’s what I want
you to do.

You call Claude.
All right.

You tell him the Diceman
sent you, all right?

All right, I will.

And dress a little
different.

I will call him.
Thank you.

Wear glasses or something.
Thank you.

You next, sweetheart?
Come on in.

The name is Shelly Braun.

Good. Move.

Come on, sit down.

Ming!

Mind if I smoke?

Well, actually,
I would prefer to work

in a smoke-free environment.

Yeah, well--
You ain’t working yet.

Let me see.
Looking at your forms here,

I like the way you fill
out a check, you know?

Clear, retoratative.

I see you’re actually
a high school graduate.

You got special skills here.
Typing.

You do word processing?

No.

No, huh?

I got it.
I see it.

Hooker.

Hooker?

I’m telling you,
hooker, street walker,

call it what you will,
you get paid, baby.

Gee, I don’t know.

You Nicky?

Maybe.

You’ve made an awful lot of
people very angry, Nicky.

( YELLING, GRUNTING )

All right, Ike.
That’s enough.

The man wants his money!

I’m gonna give you
a name and a number.

I want you to go to
the street corner, right?

You ask for a guy
named Claude.

I think, maybe, I’m gonna enroll
in a word processing school.

Thank you.
That’s up to you, baby.

But the job won’t be
here when you get back.

Okay, I’ll take it.

*

( SPEAKS GERMAN )
Isn’t that special?

Und wouldn’t be prudent!
Und want to pump you up!

DON PARDO: Jeers to
Saturday Night Live

for stealing our Hitler idea.

What’s next?
A commercial?

The following program is
brought to you by

a grant from the CHUBB group.

*

Hello, and welcome to
The Anal Retentive Chef.

I’m Gene.

Tomorrow is a very
special day, Mother’s Day,

so we have a very
special show planned.

My guest is none other
than my mentor,

teacher and friends,

the pundit of my pantry,

my mother.

Hello, Eugene.

Please call me Gene, mother.

Well, if that’s what you want.
It’s your show, isn’t it?

Yes, it is.
And welcome to it.

This must be very
exciting for you.

You’ve never been
on a television show.

Actually,
I don’t care for TV.

We liked Ed Sullivan,
but they took him off.

You know, very bad.

Well, we always have fun
on this show, don’t we?

And today we’re
preparing a special

Mother’s Day
lady finger cake.

Now, we have our platter
of lady fingers.

And let’s turn it
this way, shall we?

So the lady fingers
are parallel.

And, of course,
we have a rich, brown

chocolate mousse.

Oh, with just a dollop
of mousse on the bowl.

The edge of the bowl.

So we don’t wanna start our
show with a mess, do we?

So let’s just
wipe that off.

And there.
Now it’s clean.

And we clean up the
nasty mess here.

And then we fold our crisp,
white towel over upon itself,

so we don’t have to
look at the stain,

but, we know it’s there,
don’t we?

So mother, will you get
out the pre-soak basket?

I’d be glad to.

And what are
we going to do?

Well--

We’re going to spray the stain,
of course we are.

Yes, indeed.

And then we’re going
to fold the towel

and place it into
our Ziploc bag.

And seal.

And on the bag,
we have tape.

And with our trusty pen,
we can label the tape

and we know today
is Saturday.

Saturday.

And our stain
is chocolate.

Chocolate.

There. All ready
for the wash.

Thank you very much,
mother.

All right, we’re back
to our cake,

and I’m going to add
a sunburst of lady fingers

and Bing cherries on top of
the whipped-cream layer.

Wont’ that be fun?
I think so.

And we have two dozen
perfect lady fingers here.

And, uh-- 12 Bing cherries
that have been pitted,

halved and peeled
over here.

So we’re all
ready to begin.

This cookie is broken
right here.

Do you see that, Eugene?
It’s broken.

Yes, I do.
It is broken.

So let’s remove that.

That leaves us with 23,
which is an odd number,

so let’s go with 22.

Then we’ll be even,
so I’ll take this one off.

And then we’ll space
these out evenly.

And now we’ll have to
remove a cherry half too.

And let’s balance it,
no, I think over here.

You’re right.
Because it’s symmetrical.

Take this one off too.

And, Mother, would
you do the honors

and dispose of our refuse.

All right.

You know, on Gilbert and
Sullivan’s delightful operetta,

H.M.S. Pinafore,

Buttercup, who is usually
played by a mezzo-soprano

sings that marvelous lyric,

"Things are seldom
what they seem,

skim milk masquerades
as cream."

Buttercup is singing,
of course,

about a mix-up at birth,
not her cholesterol level.

And we, like Buttercup,

aren’t concerned with our
cholesterol either,

because it’s Mother’s Day.

And that makes our
dessert very special.

So we’re using real
cream in our mousse

and in our whipped cream.

Indeed, yes.

Now where do we keep
our tape now, Eugene?

Well, we keep our tape under
our tape dispenser cozy.

And if you’ll
center the tape...

I will center it.

On the bag, excellent.

All ready for the trash.
Indeed.

All right, let’s get back
to our lady finger cake,

because this is one
of Mother’s favorites.

No, it isn’t.

Yes, it is.
No.

But you made it
all the time.

It was your
father’s favorite.

I made it because
he liked it.

I didn’t, but I loved
him, so I made it.

When you say, "I will,"
at the altar,

that’s what you mean,
I will.

You don’t say "I shall"
at a wedding,

because I shall is
future conditional.

It’s like saying,
I’ll try.

But "I will" is future
determination

and it means you will.

And I did.
Every day.

As does every mother.

And that’s why we’re
using your recipe.

Well, I never cared for it,
but it’s your program, isn’t it?

Is something wrong?
No.

You sighed.
No, I didn’t.

Yes, we heard it,
didn’t we?

Well, if you say I sighed,
I guess I did, didn’t I?

You know, you should
never put tinfoil

under your burners,
Eugene.

It keeps them clean.

Crumbs get in there.
The bugs come in.

Well, we’ve never seen
a bug here, have we?

They come out at night.

I have an idea.

Let’s break tradition
this year

and go out for
Mother’s Day dinner.

Well, if you want to.

I do want to.
Mmm-hmm.

Wherever you wanna go.
Anywhere, you just name it.

Doesn’t matter.
I guess the Ramada Inn

at the airport is fine.

All right.

What’s wrong?
Nothing.

You sighed.
No, I didn’t.

You don’t wanna go.
No, we’ll go.

You could just drop
me off there

and I’ll just call a friend
to pick me up, doesn’t matter.

I don’t mind.

Well, I would drive myself,
but my eyes are so bad.

I have these cataracts
my doctor says,

I just hope that I
die before I go
completely blind.

I don’t mind.

Just let me clean
up before we go.

You know, Gene,
you should always start

at the bottom and work
your way down.

Just let me get my
bucket out here.

We’re gonna get the bucket
and also you can really clean

the seams in the counter
with an old toothbrush.

That you must first, what?

Boil it.

Yes, I’ve done that.

Is this a new box
of baking soda?

This has beenCooking With
The Anal Retentive Chef.

*

DON PARDO: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Well, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Scientists this week
have succeeded

for the first time in
establishing a colony

of human brain cells

that divide and grow
in laboratory dishes.

They’re now going about
their next task,

looking for someone to implant
the brain cells into.

And in a related story...

You know,
Soviet military veterans

gathered at the Kremlin
in Moscow this week

to celebrate the 45th
anniversary

of the WWII Soviet victory
over Nazi Germany.

The celebration got underway
18 hours late

as those entering the hall
had to clear a metal detector.

Secretary of State James Baker

howled in Warsaw this week
when solidarity leader,

Lech Walesa,
gave himself a titty twister.

And Soviet Foreign Minister,
Eduard Shevardnadze,

and U.S. Secretary of State,
James Baker,

on Friday met with
comedian Gallagher,

and Shevardnadze said
he liked it

when Gallagher crushed
the cantaloupe.

Baker said, "You shouldn’t
have cut your hair."

And Pope John Paul II
met with Gallagher this week,

he said he really liked it when
he crushed the watermelon,

whereupon Gallagher hit
pontiff with a mallet.

Protestors in Lithuania
paused for a moment today

when they learned that a
sandwich they had been sharing

on the picket line was found
to have a human hair in it.

And in Manhattan tomorrow,

a free music concert is being
held in Central Park.

Here with a sample of some
of some of the entertainment

is Annoying Symphony

led by our own Annoying Man.

( WHINES )

Thank you.

( HUMS BLUE DANUBE WALTZ,
SNORTS, COUGHS )

Don’t, don’t, don’t.

( CONTINUES ANNOYING HUMMING )

( LOUD SCRAPE )

( CONTINUES HUMMING )

( LOUD SCRAPING )

All right, enough,
enough, enough!

( LOUD SCREAM )

Get out of here.

You’re a sorry excuse
for a human being.

Get out of here and take that
big zit on your face with you.

What zit?

That zit.
Right there.

Get out of here,
you freak.

I love you.

Annoying Man, folks.

Thank you.

( AS DICEMAN )
Hey, snapper head.

And Washington D.C. mayor,
Marion Barry

was indicted on six more
cocaine charges yesterday

to further compound
the mayor’s difficulties.

A large hand grabbed
the mayor’s groin

and demanded his carnation.

Barry declined to comment
on the hand,

referring questions
to his attorney.

This week, a senate committee
report estimated

that one in one hundred
Americans uses cocaine weekly.

The numbers for New York
are even worse.

One in 40 New Yorkers
is a cocaine addict.

Now there are about 320 people
in this studio audience tonight,

that means there are eight
people here

who are laughing just a little
too hard at that joke.

This week at the all women
Mill’s College in California,

they announced that the school
would go co-ed.

And here’s what happened.

... has voted to admit men...

( LOUD SCREAMING )

The first lucky male to register
for matriculation

is our own Andrew Dice Clay.

Students at the all women’s
Wellesley College

outside of Boston continue
to protest

Barbara Bush’s appearance
at their upcoming commencement,

claiming that Mrs. Bush
has achieved nothing on her own,

but is famous just because
of her connection

to her famous husband.

Yeah, I guess none of the
girls at Wellesley

have ever used parents’
connections

to get into the college, huh?

No, that would be impossible.

This is an actual picture
of the 1.5 billion dollar

Hubble Space Telescope

after it was deployed
by the space shuttle, Discovery.

God, I wish those astronauts

would quit leaving
the seat up like that.

And an additional story.

After two weeks in orbit,
the Hubble Space Telescope

was finally sending back

its first pictures from
outer space,

but they are a little shaky
as you can see from this shot.

Well, in the
entertainment news,

Back To the Future III
opens nationwide, May 25th.

And right now, Weekend Update
has an exclusive interview

with the star of that film,
Michael J. Fox.

He just finished filming

the second and third
installments back to back,

and now he’s on location
in the Philippines.

Michael, what’re you
doing down there?

Hey, Dennis.

I’m doing
Casualties Of War III,

II, III and IV back to back.

Sounds like a lot
of work, Mike.

So you’ve got Future III
coming out now.

I remember in the second one,
you played three characters

other than yourself.

What’s gonna happen
in this one?

Dennis, this
one’s even better,

I play 14 different
characters

including a dog and a chair.

It’s gonna be a real stretch.

Sounds great.
Hey, Mike?

Give us a scene from
Casualties II, babe.

Oh, you want
a little taste?

Sarge, um...

what’re we doing
here exactly?

You know, you gotta give me
a minute on this, Sarge.

Mallory? Mal?

Mike, thank you.

Michael, okay.
Thank you Michael Fox.

Due to the continuing success

of the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtlesmovie,

an English production
company has announced

the clever parody
of the film entitled,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Rutles.

Hey, hey, hey.
Wait a second.

There’s something wrong
here tonight.

I think we can all feel it.

There’s a pressure in the room
that I’m not used to.

I think it’s obviously due to
the events of this week.

And I think until somebody
speaks to those events,

this pressure’s gonna
remain untapped

and, well, okay,
I’ll go out on a line.

I’ll be the one
to talk about it.

It’s obvious we’re all feeling
a little uptight

because Stepfanie Kramer
has left Hunter.

But if we are any kind
of human beings,

we will get on with
the business of living.

Because that’s the way
Sgt. Dee Dee McCall

would’ve wanted it.

( LAUGHS )

Little thespian thing there.

Pepsi said the--
Sorry.

And Pepsi revealed it’s
new, radical

summer can design this week.

Pepsi said the new can
has been designed

in an effort to appear
unimpressed by their
competition.

Here from the Ford Museum
in Grand Rapids, Michigan,

is a candid photo of
President Gerald Ford

sitting in the Oval Office
with his golden retriever,

Liberty, at hand.

Liberty is the one credited

with teaching Ford
to roll over.

And Casey Kasem’s wife Jean
preformed to sell-out crowds

in Dallas and Houston
this week.

In a controversial play
yesterday,

shortstop for the
Atlanta Braves

ripped out the heart of
Pittsburgh Pirate Jay Bell.

Showed it to him,
then threw onto first

for a double play.

A spokesman for the Braves
said their shortstop

is an Aztec and a bit
unfamiliar

with American baseball rules.

In Sacramento, California,

city public works officials
are looking for a good,

non-sexist term for
the word manhole.

What about their holes,
okay?

I guess there’s no
disagreement on the word

that ends in "hole"
that we should use

for the Sacramento
city council.

And Leonard Nimoy came out
with a new book this week

entitled, Come To Think of It,
I am Spock.

And original Musketeer,
Darlene Gillespie,

is suing Walt Disney
Productions

because she said Disney took
advantage of her youth in 1955,

and deprived her of profits.

* M-I-C *
See you in court.

* K-E-Y *
Why? Because you screwed me.

* L-O-U-S-E *

And former Led Zeppelin singer,
Robert Plant,

admitted this week that he
has, in fact, become

Brenda Vaccaro.

You know, I just wanna
go on record right now

saying I’m gonna boycott next
week’s Candy Bergen show.

And I think you know why.

Guess what folks, that’s the
news and I am outa here.

*

DON PARDO:
NBC is proud to present

an after-school special
with Andrew Dice Clay.

Dad, What’s Sex?

Hi, Dad.
Hey, Timmy.

Hey! Hold on. What’s that long
look in your face, huh?

Oh, it’s nothing, Dad.

Hey, come on. Come down here,
you can talk to your old man.

Siddown.
What’s the matter?

Dad, what’s sex?

What brings that up?

Well. The other kids
at school were laughing

and giggling about it,
like it was dirty.

What is it?

Well, let me tell ya’
something, Timmy.

I don’t know why those
kids are laughing.

Because there’s nothin’ dirty
about--

there’s nothin’ more beautiful,
more wholesome,

or more natural,
than poontang.

Really?

Absolutely.
You see, Mother Nature

has given Man a thing we--

we refer to as the dong.

He gave me one, and,
he gave you one.

Uh-huh.

And, to women,
he gave something...

called the honeypot.

But why?

Well, it’s because
when a man and woman

love each other very much,

they wanna show it.

And the way they
do that is

by strappin’ it on,
you know what I mean?

I think so. Is that like
what Scruffy does to my leg?

Yeah.
Only, not as often.

I don’t think I’m
ever gonna have sex.

Oh, I think one day you’ll
really be wanting some poontang.

Well, how will I know
when I’m ready?

Oh, you’ll know.

Pretty soon, you’ll be gettin’
some pubes.

Next thing you know, you’ll pop
a boinger or two, you know?

And you’ll be thinkin’ about
givin’ someone

that nice baloney pony,
you know what I’m sayin’?

No way.

Hey, look,
look, look, Timmy.

Timmy, come on,
you’re my kid. Right?

Don’t feel pressured into
poontang.

When you’re ready for poontang,
poontang will be ready for you.

It will?

Oh, yeah. And, remember:

you have to act
responsibly with a chick,

you know what I’m sayin’?

You don’t want
to knock her up.

You don’t want to give her your
real name.

Your real address.
Your real phone number.

And always wear a raincoat
on the fireman,

if you know what I’m sayin’.
Has this helped you at all?

Yeah, thanks, Dad.

That’s my boy.
Anything else you wanna know?

Well, I did have
one more question.

Shoot.

Do you think the Mets
have a chance this year?

( LAUGHS )

That’s my boy.
Go do your homework.

Okay.

DON PARDO: And now,
in response toDad, What’s Sex,

is Martin Stokely
of Planned Parenthood.

While we at Planned Parenthood

agree more or less
with the message

of Mr. Clay’s after-school
special,

we take exception to the use
of certain words or phrases.

For instance,
we object to the word, dong.

We feel that a more appropriate
word is tallywhacker.

Also, instead of honeypot,

possibly a better phrase
would’ve been

the vertical smile.

Or the silk igloo.

And is poontang really

the proper way to describe
nookie?

We don’t think so.

However, we do appreciate the
fact that the word "boinger"

was used correctly.

Thank you, NBC.

*

DON PARDO: And now from
the makers ofRaging Bull,

another episode of
Ridiculous Bull.

Joey. You make
a good sandwich, Joey.

Thanks, Jake. Thanks.

You make a good sandwich. Hey,
Joey!

You can clean up later.
Come sit down, Joey.

Come sit down,
we got twenty minutes

before the ball game.

You look really good,
Joey, you know?

Thanks, Jake, thanks.

You know, Joey,
can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, sure.

If I asked you a favor,
you would do it, wouldn’t you?

Sure, whatever you want, yeah.

Alright, do me a favor, Joey.
Hit me in the face.

What?

Hit me in the face, Joey.

Come on,
let’s go to the game.

Joey, hit me in the face.
I’m your older brother.

I’m askin’ you
to do something.

Oh, come on, Jake!
What’s it gonna prove?!

What’s it gonna prove?
Two things:

I’m nuts, and you got a lifelong
thing about gettin’ me down!

Now hit me in the face!

I don’t wanna hit--

Harder. Harder!
Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey?
I’m still standin’!

Let’s go to the game.

You see that, Joey?

Alright, Joey,
do me a favor, alright?

What?

Break the plate over
my head, Joey.

Do me a favor,
break the plate over my head.

Oh, come on.
Hit me with the plate!

I’m askin’ ya, I’m
your brother, Joey --

Hit me, Joey.

Harder, Joey!
Harder! Pick up the glass.

Pick up the glass.
Pick up the glass, Joey.

You see, Joey? You see?
I’m still standin’, Joey!

Okay.
I’m still standing, Joey.

Do me a favor, Joey.
What?

Pick up the bat, Joey.

What?
Pick it up, Joey.

You’re crazy.

I’m crazy, huh?
I’m crazy, huh?

Hit me with the bat, Joey.

Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey? Look at me,
Joey, I’m still standin’!

You’re never gonna
get me down, Joey!

You ain’t never gonna
get me down, Joey!

Joey, you’re my brother,
right?

Yeah.
You wanna do me a favor?

Pick up the bowling ball,
Joey.

That’s ridiculous!

Hit me with the
bowling ball, Joey.

But -- come on,
let’s go to the game!

Pick it up or I’ll
kill ya’, Joey!

I’m tellin’ ya, you’re
gonna make me snap, Joey!

Hit me with
the bowling ball!

But, Jake,
I really don’t--

Smash my skull in, Joey!

Smash my skull in with
the bowling ball!

Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!

You see, Joey!
Look at me, Joey!

I’m still standin’, huh?

Can we go to
the game now?

Pick up the
sledgehammer, Joey!

I’m goin’ crazy, Joey!

What’s that gonna prove?

Smash my skull in with the
sledgehammer, Joey!

I’m tellin’ ya,
smash my skull in!

I ain’t gonna do it.

You ain’t gonna do it?
You ain’t gonna do it?

I’m your older brother,
I’m tellin’ ya,

smash my head in, Joey!

Harder! Harder!
Harder! Harder!

Harder! Harder! Harder!
Harder!

You see, that, Joey!
You can’t even hit me no more!

You missed me, Joey,
you see what I’m sayin’!

You see what I’m --
heeyy, heeyy, Joey!

Ohh, you’re crazy,
now, huh?

Joey, pick up the
microwave, Joey!

Pick up the what?

Pick up the microwave,
I ask of you!

It’s 1948!!

I know it is, but we got a
microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

Pick up the microwave.

Hey. You got a spot
on your shirt.

I got a spot on my shirt?

I got a spot
on my shirt?

Look at me, Joey!
I’m still standin’, Joey!

I’m still standin’,
Joey, huh!

You think you’re gonna get --
you wanna go? You wanna go?

You wanna do me a favor?
Pick up the refrigerator , Joey.

Ah, come on!

Smash my skull in with
the refrigerator , Joey!

I’ll get a hernia!
I’m your brother.

I’m tellin’ ya’, Joey,
I’m your brother.

You’re nuts.
Hit me with the
refrigerator !

Look at you.
Look at you.

Smash my head in with
the refrigerator !

Go ahead! hit me with
the refrigerator !

Come on, Joey!
Harder!

You see that, Joey!
Look at me, Joey!

Look at me! See!
See, I’m still --

Your cuts are opening!
My cuts?

I love you, Joey!
Get over here,
you’re my brother!

Alright, you wanna go
to the ball game? Huh?

Yeah.
You wanna go to
the ball game?

Wanna go to the ball game?

Let’s go.

Don’t forget to shut
the window.

Ain’t you coming?

Joey. Come here a minute.

What do you want, Jack?

You’re my brother, right?
Yeah.

You do me a favor?
Sure.

Throw me out
the window, Joey.

What--
What’s it gonna prove?

Two things: I’m nuts,
and you got a lifelong thing

about gettin’ me down.
Now, throw me out the window!

We’re on the first floor.

We’re on the first
floor, huh?

Let’s go to the roof, Joey.

We’re going to the roof, Joey.
You’re crazy.

Yeah, I seen him
last night.

He was with two chicks.

Tell me something
I don’t know.

Where is he at now?

Yeah, he promised we’d get
to hear every detail here.

Relax, boys,
I’m right over here.

- Did you score?
- Hey, Joe!

All in good time.
All in good time.

Now who’s gonna
give me a light?

Oh, right here.

Here, Johnny.

Here yo go, Johnny.

* Cool Mite
He gets around *

* Cool Mite
He owns the town *

* He’s shockingly small,
but that’s okay *

* It’s the way
he handles himself *

* He’s one foot tall
but he pulls it off *

* It’s all about confidence *

* ’Cause he’s Cool Mite *

* Cool Mite *

So anyways, I’m doing it
with this chick, right?

And she’s moaning like
there’s no tomorrow.

Whoa!

Yeah, but now I’m done.

- Oh.
- Yeah, sure.

So anyway, I’m resting
on her eyelids,

she’s screaming, more, more.

Who’s got some beer
for me anyway?

( ALL CLAMORING )

Come on.
Hey, easy with that.

Hey, come here.

Come a little closer.

( GUNSHOT )
Boom, ya, jerkoff.

I got a cap full
of foam here.

Anyway, so I’m done
with this chick.

And then she wants to
hold me, but I’m like,

hey, forget about it.

I’m gone, sayonara.
Right through the mail slot.

We hear you, Johnny.

So how you get home, man?

Easy, I caught a ride with
a sparrow, you know?

You guys gotta be resourceful
if you’re gonna get some, hey.

What a night!
Oh!

Oh, I know where I’m
parking my road hog.

Hey, honey, you live alone,
or what?

Who said that?

I said that.

You got a lot of nerve.

Do I? Beat it.

Hey, too bad, Johnny.

Too bad? You don’t know
what you’re talking about.

You gotta know how to operate.
She wants me, believe me.

Wow!

Hey, watch and learn, boys.

Johnny, does this mean you’re
not cruising with us tonight?

Hey, don’t panic.

The whole ting thing
will take me five minutes.

Unless she makes me
take off her bra.

Oh.

You’re the coolest, Johnny.

How does he do it?

I wish I could
handle myself that way.

Me too.

Learn from me, boys.

( DOG GROWLS )
Hey!

Hey, whoa! Hey, dog!

Come on!

Johnny! Johnny!
Come back here, Johnny.

Come back here, Johnny.

Help me out over here!

Sorry about that, Johnny.

You all right?
You all right, Johnny?

I’m fine, stupid.

You ruined your
coat over there.

Time to hit the toy
store, man.

G.I. Joe’s got this fly
jacket had my eye on.

Let’s go!

There he is!
There he is!

That’s the man who stole
my Strawberry, officer.

I didn’t steal nothing.

Where’s the berry, Johnny?

Forget it, McGuire.

You got nothing on me.

All right.

You win this round,

but I’ll nail you yet,
Cool Mite.

( LAUGHS )

Well, boys,
I don’t know about you,

but I sure could use
a little snack.

( LAUGHTER )

How does he do it?

Coolest, oh!
I just don’t get it, Johnny.

It’s like something
you’re born with.

Oh. Gimmie the dog.

* Cool Mite
He get’s around *

* Cool Mite
He owns the town *

* Cool Mite
Getting it done *

* Cool Mite
He’ll beat you up *

* Cool Mite
Fits in your hand *

* Cool Mite
Knows how to stand *

And now, here’s a scene from
next week’s Cool Mite.

Johnny, that was so good.

We’re finished, baby.
Now, split.

Kojak’s coming on.

And hey, if you find my
underwear,

leave it on the Strawberry.

I’m so cool.

* Cool Mite *

Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Earlier, you heard from
my fellow cast member,

Jan Hooks, about her
objection to Andrew Dice Clay

hosting tonight’s show.

Well, her form of protest,

walking through sketches,
is certainly valid.

I’ve chosen a different means
of expressing my outrage.

Tonight, I am refusing
to appear

in all but three sketches.

I feel that by doing
only three sketches,

and really scoring
in those three,

I would make more of
a statement

by appearing in six
or seven sketches

in small, supporting roles.

I know this stance may
not be popular,

but as a comedian,

I’ve never particularly
cared about popularity.

I just want you to like me,
I’m Kevin Nealon.

I’d like to thank The Spanic
Boys! Julee Cruise!

The cast of "Saturday Night
Live"!

Did ya’ have a great time?

All right! And I want to say
"Happy Mother’s Day"

to my mother, and every
other mother out there!

Take care!