All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E18.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

And now a message
from the President of
the United States.

Hi there.
This is George.

Happy Earth Day Eve to you.

You know, when I ran
for this--this thing here

against that guy
in that state over there
back some time ago,

I promised to be
the environmental President.

I also promised to be
the education President,

and the popular President.

Well, one out of three
ain’t bad.

( chuckling )

Just a little joke there.

Tomorrow is Earth Day.

Environment--
a difficult problem.

Gotta be prudent.

Now, I’d love to
just take care

of the greenhouse effect
in one fell swoop up here.

Not gonna sacrifice
jobs down there.

Na’ ga’ da’.

Want to do something bold
about the rain forest here.

Gotta breathe.
Everybody’s gotta breathe.

Don’t want to offend
Brazil down here.
They’re a democracy.

Don’t want to be
at cross purposes.

Want to get together.
Not out here, right here.

A thousand points of light.

You know,
you ask one scientist,

he’ll tell you
the earth is warming.

Here’s that scientist.
He’ll tell you about
that global warming here.

Find another expert
over here

saying we got an ice age.

You got Gorbachev--
the architect of glasnost--

over here in this area,
right there.

Over here, you got
the right-to-lifers.

Over here, you got those
who would legalize drugs.

Gotta get ’em together.

Don’t want to be here,
here, here, here, and here.

Want to be here.

Bad.

Good!

Just wanted to recap there.

You know,
I know a little something
about fossil fuels myself--

old oil guy here,
been around.

I’ve handled
a catalytic converter.

One thing I can tell you--
when it’s hot, don’t touch it.

Badly burned. Ouch.

Got that glaucoma thing
happening

in that area up there.

That one eye swelling up
a little bit.

Taking drops. Using T.H.C.--

the active ingredient
in marijuana.

Doctor-prescribed.

Comes in this
little bottle here.

Put the T.H.C.
in that bad eye.

( chuckling )

Kind of tasty.

Back to Earth Day.

( chuckles )

Picture--

Picture yourself in a--

in a boat on a river.

Tangerine trees
and marmalade skies.

Suddenly there’s someone
at the turnstile.

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
the B-52’s.

And starring Alec Baldwin.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Alec Baldwin!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.
It’s great--

It’s great to be here
in New York City

hosting
Saturday Night Live.

Now, before we get started,
I should explain

that this is
the part of the show
I was most concerned about.

You see, most of my recent work
has been in film.

In the movies, the moment
where the audience
first sees you

is very important.

You’ve got to make them
respond to you right away.

But I wasn’t sure
how to do that on live TV,

so I asked some of
the cast for advice,

and they said, "Don’t worry
about telling jokes.

"This is just like the movies.
Charm them.

"Win them over.

Get them on your side."

Now, that is something
I think I know how to do.

Hi there.

Well, hello there.

We meet again.

Howdy.

Guess who?

Alec?

Hello, Victoria.

I think you’ve
charmed them enough.

You think so?
I think it’s working.
You can feel it.

Maybe we should
move on now.

Let me just try
a couple more, okay?

Well--

The B-52’s are here.

We’ve got a great show!

We’ll be right back!

The floor was, uh--
it was just waxed.
No problem.

No, no, please.
The meat leaked.

I’ll get some
paper towels and
clean it up myself.

I got a lot of
deliveries to make.

All right.

Thank you.

Next week on
The Garbo I Knew.

*

MAN: * You’re the toast
of New York *

WOMAN: * I guess that
makes you the bagel *

* We’re in the Post
in New York *

* So, waiter,
get us a table *

BOTH: * In New York City,
we wine and dine *

* To get the jokes
and the gossip *

* Before deadline *

* We’re Cindy
and Joey Adams *

* Only in New York *

Hello, I’m Cindy Adams,
Diva of Dish.

And this is my darling
husband of 23 years,
Joey Adams.

It’s a load of laughs!

Welcome to
Only in New York.

Today we’re having
lunch at New York’s
Russian Tea Room,

where you’ll find
anybody who’s anybody
in New York.

Of course, nobody
is anybody until I say
they’re somebody.

And nobody’s somebody
unless they live
in New York.

Joey, make me laugh.

Guy goes into
a doctor’s office.

He says, "Doc, I’ve got
a terrible headache."

Doctor says,
"That’ll be 40 bucks."

Lady says to the butcher,
"Give me six lamb chops."

Butcher says, "Hey!
It ain’t your turn
to order yet."

Construction worker
comes home after
a long day.

"Honey, I’m home!"
Wife calls back,
"So am I!"

The late, great
Greta Garbo is dead.

Seems like
only yesterday

I was digging
through her garbage.

But, kids, I’m not
gonna tell you
what I found.

She was
one private lady.

I will tell you
one thing--

she smoked, she drank,
she took pills,

and she didn’t use
toilet paper.

But I’ll take that
to my grave!

Which will be
right here...
in New York!

One guy says,
"Hey, Pete, how’s it going?"

Pete says, "Shut up!"

Ah, yes. Paloma Picasso
got an estimate
on a nose job.

Turned out to be more
than she can afford.

Ivana, you’re not busy.
Put together a benefit.

Guy’s supposed
to get married, but he’s
caught in a traffic jam.

"She’ll never forgive me
for this," he wails.

"I know her!"

My good friend--
and dictator--
Manuel Noriega

called me from
his cell in Florida,

complaining how
old everybody is
down there.

Down there?!
Come up here!

Faces are falling
all over Park Avenue!

That’s in New York,
kids.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Dan Quayle will be the first
sitting Vice President

to serve as Grand Marshal
of the Indianapolis 500
on May 26.

A Quayle spokesman said
that the Vice President

plans to spend
the interim month and a half

memorizing the phrase
"Gentlemen, start
your engines."

President Bush
and National Security Adviser
Brent Scowcroft

brave the wind and rain
on a Hamilton, Bermuda,
golf course last week.

Kind of instills confidence
in the nation

to know that their
Chief Security Adviser

cuts such
a dashing figure, huh?

Looks like the little
bald guy on Benny Hill

trying to hold in a whiz.

President Bush this week
denied rumors

that the nation’s
railroad system is in shambles.

To prove his point,
he took a group of students

from Washington to Chicago
by handcar.

Here’s a shot from
last Monday’s Easter Egg Hunt
at the White House.

The event was picketed
by right-to-life groups

who feel the eggs
should not be trifled with.

Spokesmen for
the Lithuanian government

responded this week
to Soviets cutting 80%
of their heating oil supplies

by saying, "Go ahead,
cut off our heating oil.

"It’s almost summer,
you pinhead.

Next winter,
why don’t you cut off
our bathing suit supplies?"

President Bush warned
Soviet Premier Gorbachev

that if he continues
economic cutbacks in Lithuania,

he would get
an even stronger warning.

A spokesman for
the Soviet news agency TASS

said the President
was only bluffing.

In Prague, Czechoslovakia,
yesterday,

Parliament approved
a new name for the Central
European nation.

It’ll be called
the Czech and Slovak
Federative Republic.

It was the second
name change in a month.

The first one,
roundly rejected,
was The Pat Sajak Show.

Former Soviet Premier
Nikita Khrushchev
turned up this week

at a demonstration
in Soviet Moldavia.

Khrushchev,
who died in 1971,

explained his reappearance
by saying,

"Well, communists failed
and hell froze over."

And now it’s time,
once again,

for a new feature
on Weekend Update--

News From 10 Feet Away.

We go now to correspondent
Kevin Nealon.

Dennis, once again,
I’m standing here,

ten feet away from you
and the Weekend Update desk,

and once again there are
some lights and television
equipment here,

as if there is
a show being performed.

And there seems to be
a crowd gathered.

( cheering )

Apparently,
a rambunctious crowd,

and they’re here
to watch something.

It’s an almost
eerie similarity

to the last time
I reported to you from
ten feet away, Dennis.

And what’s the mood
over there this time,
Kevin?

Well, once again,
the mood is, uh...festive.

It’s a mood
of anticipation.

( cheering )

I would say mostly
anticipation, Dennis.

The people here
seem to be waiting
for something,

almost as if they’re
ready to be entertained,

and yet they’re not
being entertained.

Not in any way,
shape or form.

And now, from a fair
portion of the audience,

I’m sensing a glint
of recognition,

mixed with absolute
disbelief,

as if they’re watching
something that they had
seen before

and that they never,
in their wildest
imagination,

thought they would ever
have to sit through again.

And now I’m seeing
some faces looking
in my direction, Dennis,

and I’m sensing
a feeling of pity.

Pity and tolerance.

Almost as if they’re
watching someone

who does not appear
on the show very often,

someone who is being
allowed to make
a token appearance,

being thrown a bone,
if you will.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Pure pity, Dennis.
Pure pity.

And now I can tell
the mood is shifting
again, Dennis--

this time to boredom.

Boredom and indifference--

a feeling of,
"That’s his problem,

"we came here
to be entertained,

why don’t they get on
with the real show?"

All this just ten feet
away, Dennis.

And now...within
my field of vision,

I see a man
with a headset.

He’s giving me
a slashing "cut" gesture
with his hand,

almost as if he’s being
directed to tell someone
to cut short, if you will,

a routine
that is not working
and should be stopped,

a routine that was
put on without anyone’s
authorization or approval.

Now that same man is
throwing his headset
down, Dennis,

almost as if he can’t
get through to someone

who’s very stupid
or self-absorbed.

He seems to be very irate.
I can’t give you
a full report,

as I’m only
ten feet away.

Oh, but...now he’s
coming a little closer.

Yes, he does appear
to be a little ex--

Aah!

There is at least
one stick-up
every six minutes.

For those of you
visiting the big city,
do not fear.

If you fail to get mugged
within the six-minute
time period,

you’ll get your pizza free.

President Bush met with
Arizona Senator Bruce Babbitt
and his wife this week.

And the new movie
Ernest Goes to Jail

grossed $15 million
in its first two weeks.

$15 million

( The Doors’ The End
playing )

The horror.

The horror.

The Supreme Court this week
refused to overrule a decision
by a Missouri court

that prohibited dancing
in the town of Purdy, Missouri,

saying it was up to the city
to rule on it.

And additionally,
the Supreme Court
made it illegal in Purdy

to make this overly cool
dancing face.

Umpire Mark Johnson knocked out
Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer

in the third inning
of last night’s game.

The umpire’s manager Don King
said that he will fight
Don Mattingly

sometime later this summer.

And tomorrow, of course,
is Eartha Day,

and I couldn’t be
more excited.

I’ve always been such a fan
of this special lady’s work.

And now, a humble man

who breathes the very air
of truth and insight--

A. Whitney Brown
with the Big Picture.
Welcome, Whitney.

Thank you, Dennis.

Well, friends, tomorrow
everybody will be out
planting trees

to save the planet.

Of course, we’ll cut them
all down again at Christmas,

but it’s the thought
that counts.

Now, Earth Day began
in 1970, right after
we went to the moon.

Why did we go to the moon?
No one knows.

Maybe J.F.K. wanted to impress
one of his secretaries.

Or...maybe he just wanted
to make Khrushchev look bad.

Anyway, it was a dream
that he had,

and L.B.J.
made it come true...

on some land a friend of his
owned in Houston.

It was an amazing feat.

In fact, it was
the greatest leap of life

since the amphibians
hit the beach in
the Paleozoic Era.

But, you know,
our egotism was revealed

with those 11 cruel words--

"One small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind."

Like the rest of ecosystem
didn’t even exist!

No mention of the trees
that made the oxygen
that fired the rockets,

no thank you to
the Cretaceous mollusk

that laid down the continents
one stinking shell at a time--

without a government
contract, I might add.

You know, if I were another
link in the food chain,

I’d have taken it
as a deliberate snub.

He could’ve
at least thrown a bone
to the invertebrates

who backed us up when we were
a bunch of nobodies.

Actually, I don’t think
Neil Armstrong even
wrote it himself.

It sounds more like
Neil Diamond.

But in the Big Picture,
besides arrogance,

the greatest threat
to the environment
is ignorance.

For example, there are
25 million illiterates
in this country alone.

Every day,
vast numbers of them

give directions
at service stations...

wasting millions of gallons
of gasoline.

Thousands more of them
defrost refrigerators
with sharp objects,

thereby releasing
chlorofluorocarbons
into the atmosphere.

Which is all the more reason
to plant trees--

because they give us
the two most crucial elements
for our survival--

oxygen and books.

And that, my friends,
is the Big Picture.

( indistinct )

Whitney Brown.

By the way, numerous
Earth Day celebrations

are planned for all over
the world tomorrow--

Or is it today?

You know, I’m so bad
with Earth Days.

Anyway, in the event
of rain,

they will all be moved
inside the core of the planet.

And, in an effort to strengthen
Deborah Norville’s image,

The Today Showflew her
to Nicaragua yesterday

to interview the incoming
President, Violeta Chamorro.

Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro
at the Palace of Managua
at 7:15 this evening,

and, as we understand,
as of 8 P.M.,

Deborah Norville is the new
President of Nicaragua.

* Where Diane adores *

* The minuet *

* The Ballets Russes *

* And Crepes Suzette *

* Hey, Marla loves
the rock ’n’ roll *

* Billionaire makes her
lose control *

* What a crazy pair *

The U.S.--

The U.S. Census
was declared a failure
by Democrats this week

after only 65%
of all households

chose to respond
to the questionnaire.

What’s the point
of a census

if they already have
a complete list
of all U.S. residents

to mail the census to?

You know, you might think
the Ninja Turtles

would be the hottest toy item
on the market right now,

but not so.
It’s gotta be this new one--

The New Kids
on the Chopping Block dolls.

That’s how it works.

I’m not sure
which one this is.

I think it’s Michelangelo.

*

*

Oh.

Who got
the Chuck Wagon special?

Me. I did.

Oh. Roy,
why didn’t you tell me

I gave you
the wrong order?

’Cause, Brenda, I just
didn’t have the heart.

Earl? I’m afraid
I gave Roy your breakfast.

Oh, that’s all right.
I’ll eat this one.

Oh, but it’s real cold.

Oh, gosh, I--
I don’t mind.

I just don’t know why
y’all put up with me.

Well, we don’t
know how you
put up with us.

All we do
is come in here
and order stuff.

You two are
the sweetest things.

You are. Yeah.

( laughs )

I ran into Bobby.
He asked about you.

So?

You workin’ late
tonight?

Who wants to know?
Who do you think?

Why should I care?
What should I tell him?

How should I know?
I just asked
a question.

Well!

Look what just blew
through the screen.

Ohh!

Ohh, man!

His type just
makes me crazy!

Shoot. Look at him,
sittin’ on that stool

like he’s doin’ it
a favor.

Well, you know what?
He can just sit there
forever,

as far as I’m concerned.

I just don’t care.

However, my job description
requires me to go down

and find out
exactly what he wants.

Can I help you?

Do you have coffee?
Is that a cup?

You think
you can fill it?
Think you can handle it?

I could handle a menu.

First look is free.

I never paid
for lookin’ yet.

You better watch it,
cowboy.

I been watchin’ it
since you walked
over here.

Yeah, I couldn’t help
notice what you were
lookin’ at, too.

I’m not lookin’
at anything that
ain’t showin’.

Well...you better
keep your eyes on
what you’re watchin’

instead of what you think
is what’s showin’,

’cause we got rules
here, mister! Rules!

I’m gonna be right back.
I’ll be here.

Okay.
All right.

Good, then. Okay.
Fine.

What did he want?
What do you think?

What did you say?
What could I say?

Excuse me, Brenda?
Can we get a cup
of coffee?

Oh, sure.

Unless--
Unless you...

don’t want us to
have any more.

Oh, you boys!

You are just
the sweetest things.

I mean it.
You really are.

Yes, ma’am.
( laughs )

Ready to tell me
what you want?

I made that decision
when I was 12.

Ready to tell me
what you’d like?

I’m ready.
You look it.

You got some specials
that look real fine.

Yeah, I’m pretty
proud of ’em.

Are they as good
as they look?

Ain’t had no complaints.

I’ll take
the Wagon Master.

I like my eggs
on top of my toast.

I just bet you do.

Order in!

You are skating
on thin ice.

I don’t know what
you’re talkin’ about.

You are driving
on bald tires.

Well, I would love
to carry on this
interesting conversation,

but if you’ll excuse me,
I have muffins to stack.

Gosh, Brenda,
you sure do stack them
muffins real good.

Well...

( laughs )

Thank you, Roy.
It’s an acquired skill.

Well, you do it
real good.

Ohh.

Now, why don’t
you tell me

what kind of pie
you want with your
breakfast special?

I didn’t order pie.
It comes with
the special.

It’s not on the menu.
What are you
trying to say?

What are you
trying to do?

Are you saying that
I’m the kind of waitress

that would offer you
a slice of pie that
wasn’t on the menu?

All I’m sayin’ is...

pie’s never free.

You want to know
what I think?

I think you can
take that order
right out the door,

’cause appetites
like yours--

they’re a dime a dozen.

Then I guess
I’ll be goin’.
I guess you will!

You know somethin’, honey?

I guess I was
pretty nervous that day,

so many years ago,

as I stood outside
the offices

of Manhattan
Cable Television--

nervous and scared.

But when you’ve got
a dream,

nothing can stop you.

So, this idea of yours--
tell it to me again.

Well, basically,
it’s a nude talk show.

Go on.

Well, it would be me
and my guests,

sitting there
with no clothes on...

talking.

Hmm. It’s a beginning.
Might be something there.

Yes, there might
be something.

But what if,
instead of a talk show,
it’s a sitcom?

A nude sitcom, get it?

Yeah, and maybe
your mother
lives with you.

And what about
a wacky neighbor?

Yeah, yeah.
Now, wait.

What if they’re
not nude at all?

What if they’re
wearing clothes?

Great.
That’s great!

Well, I--I think
your ideas are good,

but...

I’m sorry. It has to be
a nude talk show.

All right, kid,
but remember one thing--

it’s gonna be your ass
out there.

*

I was so happy.

My nude talk show
was no longer just a dream.

Then it turned out to be
a lot tougher than I thought.

So, uh...you guys
like baseball?

Yeah.

Baseball’s good.

This was terrible!

What was I going to do?

The Nude Talk Show
is dead last in
the ratings!

Look, it’s even lower
than Shrimp Circus

and The Goofy
Brothers.

I guess we should
cancel it, huh?

I don’t see
how you have
any choice.

Wait! Look, I--

I know my nude talk show
isn’t doing well
in the ratings,

but I’m asking you
to keep it on.

I’ve got some ideas
I think will really help.

I don’t know
if anything will
help that show.

Now, hold on,
Tondaleia.

What are these
new ideas?

I had to think fast.

Well...

We’re waiting.

Well, instead of
having nude men,

we could have
nude women!

Yeah, and we’ll talk
about sex and massages

and things like that!

And I’ll get sponsors!

What kind of sponsors?

Escort services.
And phone sex lines,

and strip clubs!

Phone sex lines
aren’t going to
advertise

on a nude
talk show.

I think they will.

So? What do you
say, sir?

Talking to people
with no clothes on

means a lot to you,
doesn’t it, kid?

Yes, sir, it does.

Okay, we’ll keep it
in the lineup...for now.

So...do you like
to have sex?

Yeah, I do.

What kind of men
do you like to
have sex with?

Do you have
a preference?

Well, I used to,
um, have sex with
my boyfriend a lot,

but then he got killed.

Oh, that’s too bad.

How was he killed?

By the police.

So, now who do you
like to have sex with?

Anybody.

Now, this was more like it.

The Nude Talk Show
is our number-one show!

Ahead of even
The Insane Idiot

and The Brent
Musburger Show.

You know, it’s funny.

When I first heard
his idea for a nude
talk show,

I thought
he was crazy.

I guess Iwas
the one who was crazy.

Maybe crazy is what
keeps us sane.

*

Thank you,
and welcome back

to the 43rd Annual
Manhattan Cable Television

Channel 23 Award Show
for Public Access Programs.

This year, by the way,
through a satellite hook-up,

we are being broadcast
simultaneously

to Staten Island.

And now we come
to the main event
of the evening--

the award for
the Best Show of the Year.

And the nominees are
The Nude Talk Show...

So, if you were
ever to have sex
with an animal,

what kind of animal
would it be?

Any kind.

Bill Moyers’ Dirty Time...

Vixen...Wallace Stevens
once wrote

that to get a thing
without gestures

is to get at it
as an idea.

After you seeing
you dance

in your G-string
and pasties,

I’m beginning to
understand what he meant.

I’m Bill Moyers.

Al Goldstein’s
Midnight Blue...

And so,
Continental Airlines,

for your asinine,
moronic restrictions

on your frequent flyer
program,

here’s what I have
to say to you!

And The Brooklyn Swami.

So, what I’m sayin’ is,

you gotta learn
to center yourself.

You gotta reach out
to that life force

and go, "This is me!"

See, that is what I’ve
been tryin’ to tell you,

but you were so stupid,
I can’t tell you nothin’!

I ain’t doin’ this
for my health, you know.

And the winner is...

*

Thank you, and thank you
to the B-52’s!