Original subtitles

And now a message from the President of the United States.

Hi there. This is George.

Happy Earth Day Eve to you.

You know, when I ran for this--this thing here

against that guy in that state over there back some time ago,

I promised to be the environmental President.

I also promised to be the education President,

and the popular President.

Well, one out of three ain’t bad.

( chuckling )

Just a little joke there.

Tomorrow is Earth Day.

Environment-- a difficult problem.

Gotta be prudent.

Now, I’d love to just take care

of the greenhouse effect in one fell swoop up here.

Not gonna sacrifice jobs down there.

Na’ ga’ da’.

Want to do something bold about the rain forest here.

Gotta breathe. Everybody’s gotta breathe.

Don’t want to offend Brazil down here. They’re a democracy.

Don’t want to be at cross purposes.

Want to get together. Not out here, right here.

A thousand points of light.

You know, you ask one scientist,

he’ll tell you the earth is warming.

Here’s that scientist. He’ll tell you about that global warming here.

Find another expert over here

saying we got an ice age.

You got Gorbachev-- the architect of glasnost--

over here in this area, right there.

Over here, you got the right-to-lifers.

Over here, you got those who would legalize drugs.

Gotta get ’em together.

Don’t want to be here, here, here, here, and here.

Want to be here.

Bad.

Good!

Just wanted to recap there.

You know, I know a little something about fossil fuels myself--

old oil guy here, been around.

I’ve handled a catalytic converter.

One thing I can tell you-- when it’s hot, don’t touch it.

Badly burned. Ouch.

Got that glaucoma thing happening

in that area up there.

That one eye swelling up a little bit.

Taking drops. Using T.H.C.--

the active ingredient in marijuana.

Doctor-prescribed.

Comes in this little bottle here.

Put the T.H.C. in that bad eye.

( chuckling )

Kind of tasty.

Back to Earth Day.

( chuckles )

Picture--

Picture yourself in a--

in a boat on a river.

Tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

Suddenly there’s someone at the turnstile.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring A. Whitney Brown...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, the B-52’s.

And starring Alec Baldwin.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. It’s great--

It’s great to be here in New York City

hosting Saturday Night Live.

Now, before we get started, I should explain

that this is the part of the show I was most concerned about.

You see, most of my recent work has been in film.

In the movies, the moment where the audience first sees you

is very important.

You’ve got to make them respond to you right away.

But I wasn’t sure how to do that on live TV,

so I asked some of the cast for advice,

and they said, "Don’t worry about telling jokes.

"This is just like the movies. Charm them.

"Win them over.

Get them on your side."

Now, that is something I think I know how to do.

Hi there.

Well, hello there.

We meet again.

Howdy.

Guess who?

Alec?

Hello, Victoria.

I think you’ve charmed them enough.

You think so? I think it’s working. You can feel it.

Maybe we should move on now.

Let me just try a couple more, okay?

Well--

The B-52’s are here.

We’ve got a great show!

We’ll be right back!

The floor was, uh-- it was just waxed. No problem.

No, no, please. The meat leaked.

I’ll get some paper towels and clean it up myself.

I got a lot of deliveries to make.

All right.

Thank you.

Next week on The Garbo I Knew.

*

MAN: * You’re the toast of New York *

WOMAN: * I guess that makes you the bagel *

* We’re in the Post in New York *

* So, waiter, get us a table *

BOTH: * In New York City, we wine and dine *

* To get the jokes and the gossip *

* Before deadline *

* We’re Cindy and Joey Adams *

* Only in New York *

Hello, I’m Cindy Adams, Diva of Dish.

And this is my darling husband of 23 years, Joey Adams.

It’s a load of laughs!

Welcome to Only in New York.

Today we’re having lunch at New York’s Russian Tea Room,

where you’ll find anybody who’s anybody in New York.

Of course, nobody is anybody until I say they’re somebody.

And nobody’s somebody unless they live in New York.

Joey, make me laugh.

Guy goes into a doctor’s office.

He says, "Doc, I’ve got a terrible headache."

Doctor says, "That’ll be 40 bucks."

Lady says to the butcher, "Give me six lamb chops."

Butcher says, "Hey! It ain’t your turn to order yet."

Construction worker comes home after a long day.

"Honey, I’m home!" Wife calls back, "So am I!"

The late, great Greta Garbo is dead.

Seems like only yesterday

I was digging through her garbage.

But, kids, I’m not gonna tell you what I found.

She was one private lady.

I will tell you one thing--

she smoked, she drank, she took pills,

and she didn’t use toilet paper.

But I’ll take that to my grave!

Which will be right here... in New York!

One guy says, "Hey, Pete, how’s it going?"

Pete says, "Shut up!"

Ah, yes. Paloma Picasso got an estimate on a nose job.

Turned out to be more than she can afford.

Ivana, you’re not busy. Put together a benefit.

Guy’s supposed to get married, but he’s caught in a traffic jam.

"She’ll never forgive me for this," he wails.

"I know her!"

My good friend-- and dictator-- Manuel Noriega

called me from his cell in Florida,

complaining how old everybody is down there.

Down there?! Come up here!

Faces are falling all over Park Avenue!

That’s in New York, kids.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Dan Quayle will be the first sitting Vice President

to serve as Grand Marshal of the Indianapolis 500 on May 26.

A Quayle spokesman said that the Vice President

plans to spend the interim month and a half

memorizing the phrase "Gentlemen, start your engines."

President Bush and National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft

brave the wind and rain on a Hamilton, Bermuda, golf course last week.

Kind of instills confidence in the nation

to know that their Chief Security Adviser

cuts such a dashing figure, huh?

Looks like the little bald guy on Benny Hill

trying to hold in a whiz.

President Bush this week denied rumors

that the nation’s railroad system is in shambles.

To prove his point, he took a group of students

from Washington to Chicago by handcar.

Here’s a shot from last Monday’s Easter Egg Hunt at the White House.

The event was picketed by right-to-life groups

who feel the eggs should not be trifled with.

Spokesmen for the Lithuanian government

responded this week to Soviets cutting 80% of their heating oil supplies

by saying, "Go ahead, cut off our heating oil.

"It’s almost summer, you pinhead.

Next winter, why don’t you cut off our bathing suit supplies?"

President Bush warned Soviet Premier Gorbachev

that if he continues economic cutbacks in Lithuania,

he would get an even stronger warning.

A spokesman for the Soviet news agency TASS

said the President was only bluffing.

In Prague, Czechoslovakia, yesterday,

Parliament approved a new name for the Central European nation.

It’ll be called the Czech and Slovak Federative Republic.

It was the second name change in a month.

The first one, roundly rejected, was The Pat Sajak Show.

Former Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev turned up this week

at a demonstration in Soviet Moldavia.

Khrushchev, who died in 1971,

explained his reappearance by saying,

"Well, communists failed and hell froze over."

And now it’s time, once again,

for a new feature on Weekend Update--

News From 10 Feet Away.

We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon.

Dennis, once again, I’m standing here,

ten feet away from you and the Weekend Update desk,

and once again there are some lights and television equipment here,

as if there is a show being performed.

And there seems to be a crowd gathered.

( cheering )

Apparently, a rambunctious crowd,

and they’re here to watch something.

It’s an almost eerie similarity

to the last time I reported to you from ten feet away, Dennis.

And what’s the mood over there this time, Kevin?

Well, once again, the mood is, uh...festive.

It’s a mood of anticipation.

( cheering )

I would say mostly anticipation, Dennis.

The people here seem to be waiting for something,

almost as if they’re ready to be entertained,

and yet they’re not being entertained.

Not in any way, shape or form.

And now, from a fair portion of the audience,

I’m sensing a glint of recognition,

mixed with absolute disbelief,

as if they’re watching something that they had seen before

and that they never, in their wildest imagination,

thought they would ever have to sit through again.

And now I’m seeing some faces looking in my direction, Dennis,

and I’m sensing a feeling of pity.

Pity and tolerance.

Almost as if they’re watching someone

who does not appear on the show very often,

someone who is being allowed to make a token appearance,

being thrown a bone, if you will.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Pure pity, Dennis. Pure pity.

And now I can tell the mood is shifting again, Dennis--

this time to boredom.

Boredom and indifference--

a feeling of, "That’s his problem,

"we came here to be entertained,

why don’t they get on with the real show?"

All this just ten feet away, Dennis.

And now...within my field of vision,

I see a man with a headset.

He’s giving me a slashing "cut" gesture with his hand,

almost as if he’s being directed to tell someone to cut short, if you will,

a routine that is not working and should be stopped,

a routine that was put on without anyone’s authorization or approval.

Now that same man is throwing his headset down, Dennis,

almost as if he can’t get through to someone

who’s very stupid or self-absorbed.

He seems to be very irate. I can’t give you a full report,

as I’m only ten feet away.

Oh, but...now he’s coming a little closer.

Yes, he does appear to be a little ex--

Aah!

There is at least one stick-up every six minutes.

For those of you visiting the big city, do not fear.

If you fail to get mugged within the six-minute time period,

you’ll get your pizza free.

President Bush met with Arizona Senator Bruce Babbitt and his wife this week.

And the new movie Ernest Goes to Jail

grossed $15 million in its first two weeks.

$15 million

( The Doors’ The End playing )

The horror.

The horror.

The Supreme Court this week refused to overrule a decision by a Missouri court

that prohibited dancing in the town of Purdy, Missouri,

saying it was up to the city to rule on it.

And additionally, the Supreme Court made it illegal in Purdy

to make this overly cool dancing face.

Umpire Mark Johnson knocked out Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer

in the third inning of last night’s game.

The umpire’s manager Don King said that he will fight Don Mattingly

sometime later this summer.

And tomorrow, of course, is Eartha Day,

and I couldn’t be more excited.

I’ve always been such a fan of this special lady’s work.

And now, a humble man

who breathes the very air of truth and insight--

A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture. Welcome, Whitney.

Thank you, Dennis.

Well, friends, tomorrow everybody will be out planting trees

to save the planet.

Of course, we’ll cut them all down again at Christmas,

but it’s the thought that counts.

Now, Earth Day began in 1970, right after we went to the moon.

Why did we go to the moon? No one knows.

Maybe J.F.K. wanted to impress one of his secretaries.

Or...maybe he just wanted to make Khrushchev look bad.

Anyway, it was a dream that he had,

and L.B.J. made it come true...

on some land a friend of his owned in Houston.

It was an amazing feat.

In fact, it was the greatest leap of life

since the amphibians hit the beach in the Paleozoic Era.

But, you know, our egotism was revealed

with those 11 cruel words--

"One small step for man,

one giant leap for mankind."

Like the rest of ecosystem didn’t even exist!

No mention of the trees that made the oxygen that fired the rockets,

no thank you to the Cretaceous mollusk

that laid down the continents one stinking shell at a time--

without a government contract, I might add.

You know, if I were another link in the food chain,

I’d have taken it as a deliberate snub.

He could’ve at least thrown a bone to the invertebrates

who backed us up when we were a bunch of nobodies.

Actually, I don’t think Neil Armstrong even wrote it himself.

It sounds more like Neil Diamond.

But in the Big Picture, besides arrogance,

the greatest threat to the environment is ignorance.

For example, there are 25 million illiterates in this country alone.

Every day, vast numbers of them

give directions at service stations...

wasting millions of gallons of gasoline.

Thousands more of them defrost refrigerators with sharp objects,

thereby releasing chlorofluorocarbons into the atmosphere.

Which is all the more reason to plant trees--

because they give us the two most crucial elements for our survival--

oxygen and books.

And that, my friends, is the Big Picture.

( indistinct )

Whitney Brown.

By the way, numerous Earth Day celebrations

are planned for all over the world tomorrow--

Or is it today?

You know, I’m so bad with Earth Days.

Anyway, in the event of rain,

they will all be moved inside the core of the planet.

And, in an effort to strengthen Deborah Norville’s image,

The Today Showflew her to Nicaragua yesterday

to interview the incoming President, Violeta Chamorro.

Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro at the Palace of Managua at 7:15 this evening,

and, as we understand, as of 8 P.M.,

Deborah Norville is the new President of Nicaragua.

* Where Diane adores *

* The minuet *

* The Ballets Russes *

* And Crepes Suzette *

* Hey, Marla loves the rock ’n’ roll *

* Billionaire makes her lose control *

* What a crazy pair *

The U.S.--

The U.S. Census was declared a failure by Democrats this week

after only 65% of all households

chose to respond to the questionnaire.

What’s the point of a census

if they already have a complete list of all U.S. residents

to mail the census to?

You know, you might think the Ninja Turtles

would be the hottest toy item on the market right now,

but not so. It’s gotta be this new one--

The New Kids on the Chopping Block dolls.

That’s how it works.

I’m not sure which one this is.

I think it’s Michelangelo.

*

*

Oh.

Who got the Chuck Wagon special?

Me. I did.

Oh. Roy, why didn’t you tell me

I gave you the wrong order?

’Cause, Brenda, I just didn’t have the heart.

Earl? I’m afraid I gave Roy your breakfast.

Oh, that’s all right. I’ll eat this one.

Oh, but it’s real cold.

Oh, gosh, I-- I don’t mind.

I just don’t know why y’all put up with me.

Well, we don’t know how you put up with us.

All we do is come in here and order stuff.

You two are the sweetest things.

You are. Yeah.

( laughs )

I ran into Bobby. He asked about you.

So?

You workin’ late tonight?

Who wants to know? Who do you think?

Why should I care? What should I tell him?

How should I know? I just asked a question.

Well!

Look what just blew through the screen.

Ohh!

Ohh, man!

His type just makes me crazy!

Shoot. Look at him, sittin’ on that stool

like he’s doin’ it a favor.

Well, you know what? He can just sit there forever,

as far as I’m concerned.

I just don’t care.

However, my job description requires me to go down

and find out exactly what he wants.

Can I help you?

Do you have coffee? Is that a cup?

You think you can fill it? Think you can handle it?

I could handle a menu.

First look is free.

I never paid for lookin’ yet.

You better watch it, cowboy.

I been watchin’ it since you walked over here.

Yeah, I couldn’t help notice what you were lookin’ at, too.

I’m not lookin’ at anything that ain’t showin’.

Well...you better keep your eyes on what you’re watchin’

instead of what you think is what’s showin’,

’cause we got rules here, mister! Rules!

I’m gonna be right back. I’ll be here.

Okay. All right.

Good, then. Okay. Fine.

What did he want? What do you think?

What did you say? What could I say?

Excuse me, Brenda? Can we get a cup of coffee?

Oh, sure.

Unless-- Unless you...

don’t want us to have any more.

Oh, you boys!

You are just the sweetest things.

I mean it. You really are.

Yes, ma’am. ( laughs )

Ready to tell me what you want?

I made that decision when I was 12.

Ready to tell me what you’d like?

I’m ready. You look it.

You got some specials that look real fine.

Yeah, I’m pretty proud of ’em.

Are they as good as they look?

Ain’t had no complaints.

I’ll take the Wagon Master.

I like my eggs on top of my toast.

I just bet you do.

Order in!

You are skating on thin ice.

I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

You are driving on bald tires.

Well, I would love to carry on this interesting conversation,

but if you’ll excuse me, I have muffins to stack.

Gosh, Brenda, you sure do stack them muffins real good.

Well...

( laughs )

Thank you, Roy. It’s an acquired skill.

Well, you do it real good.

Ohh.

Now, why don’t you tell me

what kind of pie you want with your breakfast special?

I didn’t order pie. It comes with the special.

It’s not on the menu. What are you trying to say?

What are you trying to do?

Are you saying that I’m the kind of waitress

that would offer you a slice of pie that wasn’t on the menu?

All I’m sayin’ is...

pie’s never free.

You want to know what I think?

I think you can take that order right out the door,

’cause appetites like yours--

they’re a dime a dozen.

Then I guess I’ll be goin’. I guess you will!

You know somethin’, honey?

I guess I was pretty nervous that day,

so many years ago,

as I stood outside the offices

of Manhattan Cable Television--

nervous and scared.

But when you’ve got a dream,

nothing can stop you.

So, this idea of yours-- tell it to me again.

Well, basically, it’s a nude talk show.

Go on.

Well, it would be me and my guests,

sitting there with no clothes on...

talking.

Hmm. It’s a beginning. Might be something there.

Yes, there might be something.

But what if, instead of a talk show, it’s a sitcom?

A nude sitcom, get it?

Yeah, and maybe your mother lives with you.

And what about a wacky neighbor?

Yeah, yeah. Now, wait.

What if they’re not nude at all?

What if they’re wearing clothes?

Great. That’s great!

Well, I--I think your ideas are good,

but...

I’m sorry. It has to be a nude talk show.

All right, kid, but remember one thing--

it’s gonna be your ass out there.

*

I was so happy.

My nude talk show was no longer just a dream.

Then it turned out to be a lot tougher than I thought.

So, uh...you guys like baseball?

Yeah.

Baseball’s good.

This was terrible!

What was I going to do?

The Nude Talk Show is dead last in the ratings!

Look, it’s even lower than Shrimp Circus

and The Goofy Brothers.

I guess we should cancel it, huh?

I don’t see how you have any choice.

Wait! Look, I--

I know my nude talk show isn’t doing well in the ratings,

but I’m asking you to keep it on.

I’ve got some ideas I think will really help.

I don’t know if anything will help that show.

Now, hold on, Tondaleia.

What are these new ideas?

I had to think fast.

Well...

We’re waiting.

Well, instead of having nude men,

we could have nude women!

Yeah, and we’ll talk about sex and massages

and things like that!

And I’ll get sponsors!

What kind of sponsors?

Escort services. And phone sex lines,

and strip clubs!

Phone sex lines aren’t going to advertise

on a nude talk show.

I think they will.

So? What do you say, sir?

Talking to people with no clothes on

means a lot to you, doesn’t it, kid?

Yes, sir, it does.

Okay, we’ll keep it in the lineup...for now.

So...do you like to have sex?

Yeah, I do.

What kind of men do you like to have sex with?

Do you have a preference?

Well, I used to, um, have sex with my boyfriend a lot,

but then he got killed.

Oh, that’s too bad.

How was he killed?

By the police.

So, now who do you like to have sex with?

Anybody.

Now, this was more like it.

The Nude Talk Show is our number-one show!

Ahead of even The Insane Idiot

and The Brent Musburger Show.

You know, it’s funny.

When I first heard his idea for a nude talk show,

I thought he was crazy.

I guess Iwas the one who was crazy.

Maybe crazy is what keeps us sane.

*

Thank you, and welcome back

to the 43rd Annual Manhattan Cable Television

Channel 23 Award Show for Public Access Programs.

This year, by the way, through a satellite hook-up,

we are being broadcast simultaneously

to Staten Island.

And now we come to the main event of the evening--

the award for the Best Show of the Year.

And the nominees are The Nude Talk Show...

So, if you were ever to have sex with an animal,

what kind of animal would it be?

Any kind.

Bill Moyers’ Dirty Time...

Vixen...Wallace Stevens once wrote

that to get a thing without gestures

is to get at it as an idea.

After you seeing you dance

in your G-string and pasties,

I’m beginning to understand what he meant.

I’m Bill Moyers.

Al Goldstein’s Midnight Blue...

And so, Continental Airlines,

for your asinine, moronic restrictions

on your frequent flyer program,

here’s what I have to say to you!

And The Brooklyn Swami.

So, what I’m sayin’ is,

you gotta learn to center yourself.

You gotta reach out to that life force

and go, "This is me!"

See, that is what I’ve been tryin’ to tell you,

but you were so stupid, I can’t tell you nothin’!

I ain’t doin’ this for my health, you know.

And the winner is...

*

Thank you, and thank you to the B-52’s!