All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E17.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

DON PARDO:
It’s...

...with Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon...

and featuring

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band...

musical guest,
The Smithereens...

and starring
Corbin Bernsen.

Ladies and gentlemen...
Corbin Bernsen!

*
( cheering and applause )

( cheering and applause )

All right! Thank you! Yeah!

Thank you very much!
Thank you!

( chuckles heartily )
Thank you! Yeah.

Well, I’m really very excited
to be in New York,

hosting Saturday Night Live,
huh?

Now, before we
start the show, there’s--

I’d like to take
this opportunity

to clear something up.

Now, because
of the character

I play on L.A. Law--
Arnie Becker--

you probably have
a preconceived image of me

as a cocky,
arrogant womanizer.

That’s just..
the character I play.

Now, I suppose there might be

uh, a little bit of,
uh, Arnie Becker in me,

and the truth is,
when I first became famous,

I did have a tendency to be...
a little arrogant.

I...
I bought a Porsche...

I dated Vanna White...

I killed a man.

But then I realized
what that was.

That was just a--
just a part of me

crying out for acceptance.

It was the fifteen-year old,
remembering a time when...

when girls
didn’t want to go out with me,

and when I wasn’t that popular.

That was a hard time for me.

Ah, who am I kidding?!

There was never a time when
girls wouldn’t go out with me!

Women, hey,
they’ve always wanted me!

And men have always
been afraid of me!

I was just trying to relate
to you people, somehow.

You see, I’m--I’m...
I’m a little nervous tonight,

and I just--I just wanted
to get you on my side.

What am I talking about?!
I’m not nervous!

They just told me to say that!
I feel great! I look great!

We’ve got a great show!
The Smithereens are here!

We’ll be right back!

*
( cheering and applause )

The next case is number 15702:

The State of California
vs. Corbin Bernsen.

Does the prosecution
have any opening remarks?

Yes, Your Honor.

These are the facts:

Mr. Bernsen
has constructed

a three-story addition
to his house

that variants
with public building codes,

which limits structures
in his zone to two stories.

The State
is asking him to dismantle

the top story of his,
uh, addition,

and pay $1,500 in fines.

All right, now,
Mr. Bernsen...

where is your counsel?

Your Honor...

it is my intention
to represent myself.

Now, Mr. Bernsen,
this is a complicated matter.

I strongly urge you
to retain a lawyer.

Your Honor,
I don’t think you understand--

for the last four years,
I have portrayed a lawyer

on a television program.

And, in that time,
I have grown very familiar

with legal procedure.

All right, Mr. Bernsen.

Why don’t you present your case?

Thank you, Your Honor.

If it please the court,

throughout the course
of this trial,

I intend to get an injunction
and file several motions.

Affidavits will be signed...

and submitted.

And, of course, my case
will include depositions.

That’s right...

lots of depositions.

Mr. Bernsen, would you
please get to your point?

Very well, Your Honor.

We can litigate on that later.

But, first, I’d like
to make several legal points,

which have a relevance
to this case--

a case which is now...

in a court of law.

And, with your permission,
I would like to lead the witness

with torts, writs,
and, if necessary...

more depositions.

Mr. Bernsen, we have
many cases to hear today.

Will you please be succinct?

Your Honor,
I move that a mistrial

be declared immediately
in your chambers,

to issue subpoenas
and exchange legal briefs.

Objection!

Mr. Bernsen
clearly does not understand
the concept of a mistrial.

Objection sustained.

Thank you.

Your Honor, this trial is,
without a question,

the greatest injunction
I have ever witnessed!

This room is full of hearsay
and suspicious persons,

and I must ask that all remarks
be stricken from the record,

and be put on file
with the Court Clerk!

Could you read that
back to me, please?

Mr. Bernsen,
it is the opinion of the Court
that you are a boob.

And I feel it is only
in your best interest
that I appoint you an attorney.

Oh, all right.
Wait, wait, wait.

I foresaw this as a possibility,

and I have, uh, I have
legal counsel right outside.

Please.

I ask the Court...

to welcome Miss Susan Dey.

Your Honor,
I’m sorry about Corbin--

he obviously
did not prepare very well.

Well, there’s been
no harm done,

if you’ll just
please advise him
to pay his fine.

Your Honor, this case
is not about building codes...

or zoning laws...

or any abstract ideas.

Thiscase...

is about a realhouse...

with a realaddition...

with realwalls...

made of realsheetrock--

oh, yes--

and realmoldings...

that have been reallypainted...

with realpaint.

I think we’ve
heard enough, Miss Dey.

Please sit down.

( clears throat )

I’m sorry--
I’m sorry, Your Honor.

Susan’s character
has been going through

some rough times on the show.

But waiting outside

is a much older,
more experienced lawyer

who has agreed to represent me.

Allow me to introduce
Mr. Andy Griffith--

TV’s Matlock.

Your Honor, I don’t know spit
about lawyerin’!

But, ever since
I was a little shaver,

I used to love to sit
by Crackleberry Creek!

Fish for large-mouthed bass,
just fryin’ ’em up! Mmm-mmm!

Get out! Get out, get out!
Just get out!

Now, hold your horses!

I won’t be handlin’
this case alone.

I brought my good friend,
Raymond Burr along with me,
to help me out.

Your Honor...

( breathing deeply )

I intend to prove that
my client, Corbin Bernsen,

was incapable of the murder
of Dr. Ainsley Bainbridge.

( breathing deeply )

If you’ll indulge me
in a little demonstration...

( clears throat ) Paul?

( Judge bangs gavel )

All right!

Now, Mr. Bernsen,
I fine you guilty,

and I assess
the maximum fine
against you!

Now, before you go,
I want you to know that

I think the way
you people have--

have conducted yourselves
here today is disgusting!

Now, I expect
that kind of behavior

from you people
from L.A. Law--

and from you, Matlock--

but, not from you,
TV’s Perry Mason!

You’re the reason
I got into Law!

And I feel sorry for you!

Now, that is all I have to say!

All right. But before you go,
there’s something I want
to say to you.

Maybe the four of us don’t know
about this business--

the specific details
of the Law,

or what it’s intended to do,

or even how to find somebody
who knows this stuff.

But we do know one thing:

that’s how to make
a dramatic exit.

Let’s go.

*

DON PARDO: And now...

with anchorperson...

( cheering and applause )

Good evening,
and what can I tell ya?

A laughing President Bush
earlier this week

met with Soviet Foreign Minister
Edward Shevardnadze

who looked skyward as Bush
unveiled the newest weapon

in our military arsenal,
the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze
came away from the viewing

much better off than his boss,

who wasn’t aware of the advent
of the new weapon.

At next month’s
summit meeting

between President Bush
and President Gorbachev,

officials for both sides
are not expecting

any concrete agreement
on long-range nuclear missiles.

In an effort
to remain upbeat, though,

both sides have agreed

that Sean Connery
was the best James Bond.

President Bush
was pronounced A-OK this week

as he exited a physical at
Bethesda Naval Medical Center.

Doctors said the President
has a clean bill of health

except for a minor disease
of the hand joints

called Siskel-itis.

There’s a cure for it
and it’s called Ebert’s Formula,

but there’s
a dangerous side effect--

it makes you
really, really fat.

According to the President’s
upcoming itinerary,

Bush hopes this year
to visit Brazil, Argentina,

Chile, Uruguay,
and Venezuela.

The trip will take place
some time after the summer.

For the record,
Vice-President Quayle

has already made six trips
to Latin America,

but, in an effort
to save face with his friends,

he keeps telling them
he’s going to L.A.

While delivering a speech
in Houston on Wednesday,

this fell out of
Vice-President Quayle’s head.

And...

these Earth Day things
are all over town,

littering the streets
and making a big mess.

You know, East and, uh...

East and West Germany

got together Tuesday afternoon
for a quickie,

but it didn’t work,
and they once again

agreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres,
head of the Labor Party,

failed to form
a new government yesterday

when every Israeli citizen

formed their own
separate political party.

After a half century
of serving the poor,

Mother Teresa announced
her retirement this week.

Here, with a commentary,
is our own Victoria Jackson.

Welcome, Vicki.

Thank you, Dennis!

( cheering and applause )

Thank you!

Thank you.

Last Wednesday was a sad day
in Calcutta, India

as Mother Teresa
announced her retirement.

She won
the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979

and soon became a favorite on
talk shows like Johnny Carson.

Her witty repartee
and smart attire

set her apart
from other Catholic nuns.

She’s the major influence
of my life.

Because of Mother Teresa
I started tap dancing.

One day,
when I was little,

I got sick
and I had to go to the hospital

and Mother Teresa
came and visited me

and she told me
that she promised

she would hit a home run
for me that night.

As I was listening to the radio
announcement of the game,

Mother Teresa
hit two home runs.

She went three for four
with five RBIs

and, at the end of the game,
she dug out home plate

and gave it to the poor.

Wait. Maybe it was
Mickey Mantle,

but I had
a really high fever.

But my point is that
Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle

were always there
for the people,

whether they
were playing baseball

or--or giving food and stuff
to poor people.

Mickey Mantle deserved
the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979,

but instead he gave it
to Mother Teresa

so he could go out drinking
with Whitey Ford.

Because that’s what kind
of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Thank you, Victoria Jackson.

( cheering and applause )

Very good. And...

( clears throat )
Thank you.

Yesterday--

yesterday was Friday the 13th.

Since our Gregorian calendar
began in 1582,

there have been
935 Friday the 13ths.

Which is only 14 less
than the number

of Friday the 13th
movie sequels.

And, in other film news,
remember tomorrow

is the premiere
of the new thriller

Easter Egg Hunt
for Red October.

And, in Amsterdam, following
last week’s tragic art vandalism

where a 31-year-old man
threw sulfuric acid

at Rembrandt’s masterpiece
The Night Watch,

museum officials
are no longer permitting

sulfuric acid vendors
on museum grounds.

The sulfuric acid vendors
are filing a class action suit

against the museum,
claiming,

"It’s not sulfuric acid
that ruins paintings,

it’s people
that ruin paintings."

Donald Trump
posed this week

for publicity photos
as he opened his

Trump Taj Mahal hotel
and casino in Atlantic City.

On his love life front,
it was reported

that he’s no longer
seeing Marla Maples.

He is now dating someone
named "Jeannie."

And it was revealed this week
that Ivana Trump

plans to market a line
of her own underwear for women.

A spokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump
was qualified, said,

"If she’s not, she will be--
because she’s gonna be

seeing a lot of briefs
in the upcoming months."

Well, that brought Update
to a screeching halt.

( tires screech )

( cheering and applause )

Thank you. A little...

Thank you.

( clears throat )

Gotta see somebody
about that bladder.

You wanna leave? Wanna leave?

Go ahead.

Now, you blew that up
all by yourself, didn’t ya?

You might want to leave
a phone number.

You know, uh...

( laughs )

( cheering and applause )

You know,
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

set box office records
again this week.

The movie brought in
$1.5 million in L.A.,

$2.3 million in New York,

and an astonishing $17 million
in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald--

Art Buchwald has sued the makers
of the Turtles this week,

saying the concept was stolen
from an original screenplay

he submitted years ago
entitled

Adolescent Hybrid
Samurai Toads.

And now here with a commentary
is Grumpy Old Man!

Welcome, Grumpy!

( yelling )

I’m old!

And I’m not happy!

I don’t like things now

compared to the way
they used to be.

All this progress--
phooey!

In my day, we didn’t have
these cash machines

that would give you
money when you needed it.

There was only one bank
in each state.

It was open
only one hour a year.

And you’d get in line,
17 miles long,

and the line became
an angry mob of people--

fornicators and thieves,

mutant children
and circus freaks--

and you waited for years,

and by the time
you got to the teller,

you were
senile and arthritic

and you couldn’t
remember your own name.

You were born,
got in line, and ya died!

And that’s the way it was
and we liked it!

Life was simpler then.

There wasn’t all this concern
about hygiene!

In my days,
we didn’t have Kleenex.

When you turned 17,

you were given
the family handkerchief.

It hadn’t been washed
in generations

and it stood on its own...

filled with diseases
and swarmin’ with flies!

If you tried
to blow your nose,

you’d get an infection

and your head would swell up
and turn green

and children would burst
into tears at the sight of ya!

And that’s the way it
was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival!

We entertained ourselves!

We didn’t need
movin’ pictures.

In my day,
there was only one show in town.

It was called
"Stare at the Sun!"

That’s right!

You’d sit in
the middle of an open field

and stare up at the sun till
your eyeballs burst into flames!

And you thought, "Oh, no!
Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared

directly into the burning sun
with my eyes wide open."

But it was too late!

Your head was on fire and people
were roastin’ chickens over it.

And that’s the way it was
and we liked it!

Progress?!
Flobble-de-flee!

In my day, when we were
angry and frustrated,

we just said, "Flobble-de-flee!"
’cause we were idiots

and we didn’t know
what else to say!

Just a bunch
of illiterate Cro-Magnons,

blowin’ on
crusty handkerchiefs,

waitin’ in lines for our head
to burst into flame,

and that’s the way it was
and we liked it!

Grumpy Old Man!
Thank you, Grumpy!

( cheering and applause )

( grumbling )

Get out of here.

Flobble-de-flee!

Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine’s
new Earth Day edition

celebrating our trees
printed five million copies

and used up 35,000 trees.

And nuclear power plant workers

were exposed to more radiation
last year than ever before.

In a government study
just released,

the radiation dose
they received

was roughly equivalent
to 50 chest X-rays,

600 tanning salon visits,
12,000 days in the sun,

or one bottle of Perrier.

And M & M turned 50 this week

and reportedly they are going
through a change of life,

asking their buyers to now
refer to them as "W & W’s."

And Zsa Zsa Gabor
is bragging about

her once-upon-a-time dates
with John Kennedy.

According to Gabor,
"I went out with Mr. Kennedy,

"the President
of the United States,

"and I was his
favorite date,

but he never once
asked me to sleep with him."

You know, my respect
for Jack Kennedy

grows more and more
every day.

And, due to his
wonderful performance in front

of the Poindexter Iran-Contra
trial jury last month,

Ronald Reagan who,
when answering "I don’t recall"

to 124
out of 150 questions asked,

sometimes appeared
to be lobotomized,

recently won the lead
in the sequel

to One Flew Over
the Cuckoo’s Nest.

And this week
marked the 54th anniversary

of the abdication
of Edward VIII

who gave up
the throne of England

because he fell in love with,
and wanted to marry,

Mrs. Simpson,
a commoner from America.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news
and I am out of here!

*
( cheering and applause )

( cheering and applause )

Good evening.

"Sports, say the ancient Greeks,
is morally serious

"because mankind’s noblest aim

is the loving contemplation
of worthy things."

That’s an excerpt
from my new book on baseball

entitled Men at Work,

and I would say
it’s particularly a propos

in light of today’s
Expo-Padre game.

Joining me today
are two gentlemen

who would no doubt agree.

First, former slugger for
the Philadelphia Phillies,

Mike Schmidt.

Good day, Mike.

Tell us,
what do you miss most

since retiring
from baseball last year?

Well, George,
I guess I miss going
to the ballpark every day.

Ah, yes, ballparks.

In humanity there exists
a vestigial memory

of an enclosed green space
as a place of freedom or play.

Yeah. I guess.

Excellent.

Competing with
Mr. Schmidt today--

a skillful practitioner
of the managerial arts--

from the Dodgers, Tommy Lasorda.

Salutations, Tommy.

Good to see you, George.
I’m ready to play!

Well, the manager’s role is one
of both hector and helper,

naysayer and nexus.

Around his circumference lies
the full measure of the game.

I, uh...

Well, I’m ready to play!

Very well.

Let us engage
the sports machine.

Gentlemen, as always,
the questions

will focus
exclusively on baseball,

the only game
that transcends the boundary

between fury and repose.

All right, hands on buzzers.

( beeping )

"The precarious balance
between infield and outfield

suggests a perfect symmetry.

For $50, identify the effect
of that symmetry."

( buzzer sounds )

Sorry. The answer is:

"The exhilarating tension
between being and becoming."

Being and becoming.

Next question...

( beeping )

"In 1954, Willie Mays,

in an emphatic stroke
of Byzantine whimsy,

made his over-the-shoulder catch
off Vic Wertz.

What was it not unlike?"

Take it? Take it?
Anyone? Take it?

Uh, the, uh...
catch in Cincinnati that--

( buzzer sounds )

Sorry.
"It was not unlike

watching Atlantis
rise again from the sea,

the bones of its kings
new-covered with flesh."

Well, gentlemen,
no score as of yet,

but the night is young.

Perhaps what you gentlemen need
is a little incentive,

so here to tell you
about today’s prizes

is our own Sam Donaldson.

Thank you, George. Thank you.

Today’s winner
will receive

copies of
Roget’s Expanded Thesaurus.

* Buy me a Roget’s
and Cracker Jacks *

* I don’t care
if I never come back *

And they’ll also receive...

Choco-Whip
chocolate-flavored whip topping.

It’s sweet and fluffy.
Mmm, Choco-Whip!

Sam, isn’t it
somewhat of a given

that a whip topping
would be sweet and fluffy?

Oh, come off it, George!

You can’t see the forest
for the trees!

We’ll continue
this spirited discussion later.

As for now, it’s time
we moved on to the Big Board.

And the categories are:

Mike, choose a category.

Uh, "Pot Luck."

Very well.

( bell dings )

"...and all complexity
is purified

into a simple coherence."

Piffle, or not piffle?

Uh...

piffle.

( bell sounds )
That is correct,
it’s absolute piffle.

It’s baseball’s complexity,
not its purity,

that instills in us our freedom,
and you have $100.

Hey, wait a minute!
What’s this piffle crap?

What kind of question
is that?

I’m sorry, Tommy,
but this is not a forum here
for debating the merits--

No, no, this isn’t a joke here.

I’m playing for a bunch of kids
in the hospital.

You’re making me
look like a chump!

I feel kind of stupid, too!

Everything in good time,
gentlemen.

We simply need to--

Let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something.
You ever playbaseball?

If, by play,
you mean drink deep
the aura of the game, then--

No, no, I mean play the game
in the field, in the field.

Here.
Throw this ball.

I’m sorry, Mr. Lasorda,
but my duties as quizmaster

compel me
to move the game along.

Throw the ball, George!

Throw the ball!

Shut up, Sam!

Now then, next question.

Mike, you have control
of the board.

Throw the ball!
Come on, throw the ball!

Throw the ball!
Throw the ball!

All: Throw the ball!

Throw the ball, George!
Throw the ball!

Throw the ball!

( all laugh )

( all clamoring )

He’s getting away!

( all clamoring )

Get back here!
Come on! Get him!

He’s headed for the elevator!

Listen, Murdock, if you think
Gannon is gonna go to Kincaid

and ask him to lie
to Brannigan,

then you’re as crazy
as Brubaker says you are.

I don’t care about Burbaker,
McCutcheon,

but I can tell you this:

your friend Concannon
is going to jail,

and so is Mr. Tortelli,

along with McMurphy, Gannon,
Kincaid, and the other Gannon.

Yeah? Well, we’ll see
what Senator Madison
has to say about that.

Yeah, well,
you can tell your friend
Senator Hawthorne Madison III

and all his fancy friends
at the country club,

Mr. Langford Thornhill
and Mr. Wilmot Stotesbury,

that I’ve got a couple
of friends on the south side,

Washington and Jefferson,

and a couple on the west,
Espinoza and Lopez!

You leave Lopez out of this,
Murdock!

*

*

Hello,
I’m Donna Maria Teniglietti.

That I’m sure you all know
was a scene

from the groundbreaking
police drama Smart Streets.

Now, with us today is the man
behind Smart Streets

and many other
innovative series,

producer Alan Brookmeyer,

our guest today
on Movers and Shakers.

Now, Alan Brookmeyer,
you’ve been called everything

from "The Thinking Man’s
Aaron Spelling"

to "The Most Dangerous Man
on TV."

Now, why do the network
powers that be fear you so much?

Well, Donna Maria, my shows
portray life as it it, I guess.

To some people,
that’s disturbing.

I’ve watched
your show for years

and I could never
put my finger on what
makes them so authentic,

but looking at this scene
just now, where Murdock

squares off with McCutcheon
about Kincaid and Gannon,

I realize it’s the names,
isn’t it?

Well, the right choice
of name for a character

is very important to me,
Donna Maria.

For example, you can’t have
a rich person named Lopez.

It’s just wrong, unless you’re
gonna spend a lot of time

explaining how this person
named Lopez got rich.

You just don’t have
that luxury in 48 minutes.

Now, what would be a good name
for a rich person?

Mm...

Barkley Honeywell,
Jepson Woodworth,

Baxter Honeywell...

Oh, I got one:
Prentice Woolridge.

Mm...
maybe.

I guess that’s why
I’m not a writer.

You’re great
at what you do.

Thank you.

Now...
( clears throat )

speaking of
disturbing people,

you just had a nasty fight
with the networks

over a recent episode
of Smart Streets.

Can you tell us about it?

Well, this episode
involved a subject

that a lot of the crime shows
are afraid to take on: drugs.

Mm-hmm.

And it involved
some pretty tough language,
street language.

Well, the networks
started worrying about
the Jerry Falwells,

a couple of the sponsors
dropped out, I stood my ground

and, in the end,
they shot the scene my way.

Now, we have a clip of that.

Now, do you wanna
set this up for us please?

Yes. Well, Alex Cucek,
our streetwise undercover cop,

is confronting
the lowlife drug dealer Lopez.

Now, Lopez has just killed
Cucek’s partner

and, as you’ll see,
emotions run high.

Now, if you have
any children,

you might want them
to leave the room.

The language in this scene
is--is very rough.

Now, let’s roll it please.

All right, Lopez,
you’re free to go.

All right, thanks, man.
Okay, thank you.

Hey, Cucek, huh?
No hard feelings.

Sorry about your partner

but, like I said,
it was an accident.

( laughs )
Get out of my sight, Lopez.

Or so help me,
I’ll kick your rear end

up and down
this freakin’ block!

Hey, man! I don’t give
a flyin’ damn what you say!

It’s a bunch
of flippin’ B.S.!

Listen,
you son of a gun.

You know what you are?

You’re nothin’ but
a little piece of of bull crud.

You know what bull crud is,
don’t ya?

It’s what you find in a field
after a bull’s been there.

Now, I’m goin’ off to the W.C.

When I get back,
I want your rump out of here!

*

Wow. ( exhales deeply )

Now, the network wanted me
to take out "bull crud"

and have Cucek say "bologna."

Now, I can’t have
Alex Cucek,

a streetwise cop,
saying "bologna."

The language of the street
is "bull crud."

Certainly--
certainly the streets I know.

Now, before we go,

I know you wanna discuss
your new show Cheef...

about a mentally retarded
police chief.

Yes.

That’s right, Donna Maria.

Cheef.
That’s C-H-E-E-F.

It’s about a police chief
who just happens to be
mentally retarded

and, believe me,
I had a pretty tough time

with the network suits
on this one.

They just didn’t wanna buy
a mentally retarded man

as the police chief
of a major city,

but that’s their thinking.

When you see
a retarded person on TV,

they’re never depicted
as someone in a position
of responsibility,

and that’s what Cheef
is about.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Strong stuff.

So Cheef...

Wednesdays at 10:00.

9:00 Central.

Sounds exciting.

And continues success to you,
Alan Brookmeyer,

a Mover and a Shaker.

I’m Donna Maria Teniglietti.

*

Hey, how we doing? You guys
gonna be ready in ten minutes?

Oh, you bet, sweetheart.
Good.

We’ll be there.
We’ll be there.

No, it’s just I was sayin’
Manoski’s a great photographer,

it’s just that I prefer
Jabeeno’s lighting, that’s all.

Ah, I don’t know,
my friend.

From my experience,
Jabeeno always lights it
too harsh.

Huh. Well, Paulie, you’ll
make us up nice, right?

That’s right, boys.
Okay, what’ll it be today?

Paulie, we got a photo session
in Studio 3 for the May issue.

You know, thought you
might give us a little help
for the close-ups down there.

Okay, you want
a little more tone?
Is that what you’re saying?

Yeah, nothin’ too heavy.
Just enough to give it
an edge.

Yeah, yeah,
just powder it enough
to take the glare off it.

You know, make it nice
for the people.

All right. You usually work
with a pancake base, right?

Well, what I’d like,
Paulie, is a nice, deep,
translucent hue.

Maybe run some pancake base
down the sides.

Maybe highlight the top
with some eyeliner.

Make it nice
for the people.

Yeah, that’s a
nice touch there, Brett.

Hey, you gotta make
the people happy.

They’re our
bread and butter,
the people.

That’s right.
I hear you.

Paulie, for me,
what I’d like

is a couple of racing stripes
going on either side.

Maybe a little bull’s eye
in the middle. Can you do that?

’Cause that would be
nice for the people.

Oh, I think we can
pull that off.

What I’d like is to wrap
some string around it

and make it
a nice little bundle.

Something the people
can take home,

they open it up,
boom!

It’s a nice surprise
for the people.

That’s right.
Put a nice umbrella
on it, all right?

Like a nice tropical drink
down there, you know?

It’ll be a nice refreshing look
for the people, huh?

He’s a good man--
Paulie.

Oh, he’s the best.

You need a good man
for the people.

That’s right.

Hi. Is this the May shoot?

Oh, you must be
the new nude male model.

Yeah.
Have a seat,
my friend.

Hey. Russ.

Brett.
Clay.

Hey.

Welcome to the magazine.

Yeah, may it be the first
of many sessions for you,
my friend.

Thank you.

Gee, that’s really nice,
you know?

Yeah.

Other nude male models
I work with, they’ve been, uh,

you know, really competitive.

Oh, that’s a shame.
I hate that.

That’s not good.
No, there’s no place
in this field,

in this profession
for that kind of stuff.

You remember Frank Paloni
in that ’87 Blue Boy shoot.

Oh, yeah, that was--
oh, forget it.

The man turned the whole shoot
into a contest.
Yeah.

Made it uncomfortable
for everybody.

That’s right, and none of us
were at our best that day.

You know who suffers? You know
who ends up payin’ for this?

The people.
The people.

It’s a shame.

Is this okay?

Okay? That’s gorgeous!
That’s nice.

Wow!

Excuse me.

Mm.

You guys do some
pretty elaborate makeup.

Yeah, well, you know,
you gotta go that extra mile
for the people.

They open up the magazine,
they wanna see something new.

You gotta keep it
interesting for the people.

Yeah.

Gosh, I’ve, uh...

I’ve kinda
always worked as-is.

You don’t dress?

You’re missin’ the boat,
my friend.

That is a waste.

Yeah, and look at that.

You got a lot
to work with over there.

Yeah.
Really?

Yeah, outdoor theme,

maybe a nice picket fence
around it.

Make it, you know...

Make it nice and homey
for the people.

I see something festive for you.

You know, maybe throw
some confetti on it.

You know, create a party effect
for the people.

But, you know, that’s just me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

How ’bout
an Easter motif?

Nice. I like it.
Very nice.

You know, maybe put
some greenery along the bottom,

plant a couple of little
miniature eggs along the side,

and then put the whole thing

in a little basket
for the people.

Oh, throw in a bonnet
for the people.

Yeah, he’s learnin’!
That’s right!

( chuckles )

Hi, guys. How we doin’?
What’s happening here?

We’re almost ready.

Oh, no, no.
I don’t believe this.

Why do you do this?
That’s an umbrella.

Paulie, clean this up!
What are you doing to me?

Hey, we’re just
givin’ you options.

Yeah, we’re just
throwin’ it out there for ya.

No! No! I want you
on the set, pronto! Now!

Oh.

Well...
Yeah, no problem.

Her call.

Hey, she’s pretty tough.

She’s a good woman.
Knows what she’s doin’.

Yeah.

Hey, Paulie,
I got a nice idea.

Maybe put
a little cowboy hat on it.

Lady’s had a tough day.
Make it nice for her.
I think she’ll like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that’s nice.

Me, too, Paulie.
Make it nice for me.

Yeah, maybe wrap
some lights around it,
some flashing lights.

Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

Yeah, okay.
That’s nice.

*

Thank you very much!
I had a great time, huh!

Hey, how about The Smithereens!

Yeah!

What a week!

Hi, Pop!

*
( cheering and applause )