Original subtitles

*

DON PARDO: It’s...

...with Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon...

and featuring

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band...

musical guest, The Smithereens...

and starring Corbin Bernsen.

Ladies and gentlemen... Corbin Bernsen!

* ( cheering and applause )

( cheering and applause )

All right! Thank you! Yeah!

Thank you very much! Thank you!

( chuckles heartily ) Thank you! Yeah.

Well, I’m really very excited to be in New York,

hosting Saturday Night Live, huh?

Now, before we start the show, there’s--

I’d like to take this opportunity

to clear something up.

Now, because of the character

I play on L.A. Law-- Arnie Becker--

you probably have a preconceived image of me

as a cocky, arrogant womanizer.

That’s just.. the character I play.

Now, I suppose there might be

uh, a little bit of, uh, Arnie Becker in me,

and the truth is, when I first became famous,

I did have a tendency to be... a little arrogant.

I... I bought a Porsche...

I dated Vanna White...

I killed a man.

But then I realized what that was.

That was just a-- just a part of me

crying out for acceptance.

It was the fifteen-year old, remembering a time when...

when girls didn’t want to go out with me,

and when I wasn’t that popular.

That was a hard time for me.

Ah, who am I kidding?!

There was never a time when girls wouldn’t go out with me!

Women, hey, they’ve always wanted me!

And men have always been afraid of me!

I was just trying to relate to you people, somehow.

You see, I’m--I’m... I’m a little nervous tonight,

and I just--I just wanted to get you on my side.

What am I talking about?! I’m not nervous!

They just told me to say that! I feel great! I look great!

We’ve got a great show! The Smithereens are here!

We’ll be right back!

* ( cheering and applause )

The next case is number 15702:

The State of California vs. Corbin Bernsen.

Does the prosecution have any opening remarks?

Yes, Your Honor.

These are the facts:

Mr. Bernsen has constructed

a three-story addition to his house

that variants with public building codes,

which limits structures in his zone to two stories.

The State is asking him to dismantle

the top story of his, uh, addition,

and pay $1,500 in fines.

All right, now, Mr. Bernsen...

where is your counsel?

Your Honor...

it is my intention to represent myself.

Now, Mr. Bernsen, this is a complicated matter.

I strongly urge you to retain a lawyer.

Your Honor, I don’t think you understand--

for the last four years, I have portrayed a lawyer

on a television program.

And, in that time, I have grown very familiar

with legal procedure.

All right, Mr. Bernsen.

Why don’t you present your case?

Thank you, Your Honor.

If it please the court,

throughout the course of this trial,

I intend to get an injunction and file several motions.

Affidavits will be signed...

and submitted.

And, of course, my case will include depositions.

That’s right...

lots of depositions.

Mr. Bernsen, would you please get to your point?

Very well, Your Honor.

We can litigate on that later.

But, first, I’d like to make several legal points,

which have a relevance to this case--

a case which is now...

in a court of law.

And, with your permission, I would like to lead the witness

with torts, writs, and, if necessary...

more depositions.

Mr. Bernsen, we have many cases to hear today.

Will you please be succinct?

Your Honor, I move that a mistrial

be declared immediately in your chambers,

to issue subpoenas and exchange legal briefs.

Objection!

Mr. Bernsen clearly does not understand the concept of a mistrial.

Objection sustained.

Thank you.

Your Honor, this trial is, without a question,

the greatest injunction I have ever witnessed!

This room is full of hearsay and suspicious persons,

and I must ask that all remarks be stricken from the record,

and be put on file with the Court Clerk!

Could you read that back to me, please?

Mr. Bernsen, it is the opinion of the Court that you are a boob.

And I feel it is only in your best interest that I appoint you an attorney.

Oh, all right. Wait, wait, wait.

I foresaw this as a possibility,

and I have, uh, I have legal counsel right outside.

Please.

I ask the Court...

to welcome Miss Susan Dey.

Your Honor, I’m sorry about Corbin--

he obviously did not prepare very well.

Well, there’s been no harm done,

if you’ll just please advise him to pay his fine.

Your Honor, this case is not about building codes...

or zoning laws...

or any abstract ideas.

Thiscase...

is about a realhouse...

with a realaddition...

with realwalls...

made of realsheetrock--

oh, yes--

and realmoldings...

that have been reallypainted...

with realpaint.

I think we’ve heard enough, Miss Dey.

Please sit down.

( clears throat )

I’m sorry-- I’m sorry, Your Honor.

Susan’s character has been going through

some rough times on the show.

But waiting outside

is a much older, more experienced lawyer

who has agreed to represent me.

Allow me to introduce Mr. Andy Griffith--

TV’s Matlock.

Your Honor, I don’t know spit about lawyerin’!

But, ever since I was a little shaver,

I used to love to sit by Crackleberry Creek!

Fish for large-mouthed bass, just fryin’ ’em up! Mmm-mmm!

Get out! Get out, get out! Just get out!

Now, hold your horses!

I won’t be handlin’ this case alone.

I brought my good friend, Raymond Burr along with me, to help me out.

Your Honor...

( breathing deeply )

I intend to prove that my client, Corbin Bernsen,

was incapable of the murder of Dr. Ainsley Bainbridge.

( breathing deeply )

If you’ll indulge me in a little demonstration...

( clears throat ) Paul?

( Judge bangs gavel )

All right!

Now, Mr. Bernsen, I fine you guilty,

and I assess the maximum fine against you!

Now, before you go, I want you to know that

I think the way you people have--

have conducted yourselves here today is disgusting!

Now, I expect that kind of behavior

from you people from L.A. Law--

and from you, Matlock--

but, not from you, TV’s Perry Mason!

You’re the reason I got into Law!

And I feel sorry for you!

Now, that is all I have to say!

All right. But before you go, there’s something I want to say to you.

Maybe the four of us don’t know about this business--

the specific details of the Law,

or what it’s intended to do,

or even how to find somebody who knows this stuff.

But we do know one thing:

that’s how to make a dramatic exit.

Let’s go.

*

DON PARDO: And now...

with anchorperson...

( cheering and applause )

Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

A laughing President Bush earlier this week

met with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadze

who looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weapon

in our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewing

much better off than his boss,

who wasn’t aware of the advent of the new weapon.

At next month’s summit meeting

between President Bush and President Gorbachev,

officials for both sides are not expecting

any concrete agreement on long-range nuclear missiles.

In an effort to remain upbeat, though,

both sides have agreed

that Sean Connery was the best James Bond.

President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week

as he exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.

Doctors said the President has a clean bill of health

except for a minor disease of the hand joints

called Siskel-itis.

There’s a cure for it and it’s called Ebert’s Formula,

but there’s a dangerous side effect--

it makes you really, really fat.

According to the President’s upcoming itinerary,

Bush hopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina,

Chile, Uruguay, and Venezuela.

The trip will take place some time after the summer.

For the record, Vice-President Quayle

has already made six trips to Latin America,

but, in an effort to save face with his friends,

he keeps telling them he’s going to L.A.

While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,

this fell out of Vice-President Quayle’s head.

And...

these Earth Day things are all over town,

littering the streets and making a big mess.

You know, East and, uh...

East and West Germany

got together Tuesday afternoon for a quickie,

but it didn’t work, and they once again

agreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,

failed to form a new government yesterday

when every Israeli citizen

formed their own separate political party.

After a half century of serving the poor,

Mother Teresa announced her retirement this week.

Here, with a commentary, is our own Victoria Jackson.

Welcome, Vicki.

Thank you, Dennis!

( cheering and applause )

Thank you!

Thank you.

Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta, India

as Mother Teresa announced her retirement.

She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979

and soon became a favorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson.

Her witty repartee and smart attire

set her apart from other Catholic nuns.

She’s the major influence of my life.

Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing.

One day, when I was little,

I got sick and I had to go to the hospital

and Mother Teresa came and visited me

and she told me that she promised

she would hit a home run for me that night.

As I was listening to the radio announcement of the game,

Mother Teresa hit two home runs.

She went three for four with five RBIs

and, at the end of the game, she dug out home plate

and gave it to the poor.

Wait. Maybe it was Mickey Mantle,

but I had a really high fever.

But my point is that Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle

were always there for the people,

whether they were playing baseball

or--or giving food and stuff to poor people.

Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979,

but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa

so he could go out drinking with Whitey Ford.

Because that’s what kind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Thank you, Victoria Jackson.

( cheering and applause )

Very good. And...

( clears throat ) Thank you.

Yesterday--

yesterday was Friday the 13th.

Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582,

there have been 935 Friday the 13ths.

Which is only 14 less than the number

of Friday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow

is the premiere of the new thriller

Easter Egg Hunt for Red October.

And, in Amsterdam, following last week’s tragic art vandalism

where a 31-year-old man threw sulfuric acid

at Rembrandt’s masterpiece The Night Watch,

museum officials are no longer permitting

sulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds.

The sulfuric acid vendors are filing a class action suit

against the museum, claiming,

"It’s not sulfuric acid that ruins paintings,

it’s people that ruin paintings."

Donald Trump posed this week

for publicity photos as he opened his

Trump Taj Mahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City.

On his love life front, it was reported

that he’s no longer seeing Marla Maples.

He is now dating someone named "Jeannie."

And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump

plans to market a line of her own underwear for women.

A spokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,

"If she’s not, she will be-- because she’s gonna be

seeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months."

Well, that brought Update to a screeching halt.

( tires screech )

( cheering and applause )

Thank you. A little...

Thank you.

( clears throat )

Gotta see somebody about that bladder.

You wanna leave? Wanna leave?

Go ahead.

Now, you blew that up all by yourself, didn’t ya?

You might want to leave a phone number.

You know, uh...

( laughs )

( cheering and applause )

You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

set box office records again this week.

The movie brought in $1.5 million in L.A.,

$2.3 million in New York,

and an astonishing $17 million in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald--

Art Buchwald has sued the makers of the Turtles this week,

saying the concept was stolen from an original screenplay

he submitted years ago entitled

Adolescent Hybrid Samurai Toads.

And now here with a commentary is Grumpy Old Man!

Welcome, Grumpy!

( yelling )

I’m old!

And I’m not happy!

I don’t like things now

compared to the way they used to be.

All this progress-- phooey!

In my day, we didn’t have these cash machines

that would give you money when you needed it.

There was only one bank in each state.

It was open only one hour a year.

And you’d get in line, 17 miles long,

and the line became an angry mob of people--

fornicators and thieves,

mutant children and circus freaks--

and you waited for years,

and by the time you got to the teller,

you were senile and arthritic

and you couldn’t remember your own name.

You were born, got in line, and ya died!

And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Life was simpler then.

There wasn’t all this concern about hygiene!

In my days, we didn’t have Kleenex.

When you turned 17,

you were given the family handkerchief.

It hadn’t been washed in generations

and it stood on its own...

filled with diseases and swarmin’ with flies!

If you tried to blow your nose,

you’d get an infection

and your head would swell up and turn green

and children would burst into tears at the sight of ya!

And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival!

We entertained ourselves!

We didn’t need movin’ pictures.

In my day, there was only one show in town.

It was called "Stare at the Sun!"

That’s right!

You’d sit in the middle of an open field

and stare up at the sun till your eyeballs burst into flames!

And you thought, "Oh, no! Maybe I shouldn’t’ve stared

directly into the burning sun with my eyes wide open."

But it was too late!

Your head was on fire and people were roastin’ chickens over it.

And that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Progress?! Flobble-de-flee!

In my day, when we were angry and frustrated,

we just said, "Flobble-de-flee!" ’cause we were idiots

and we didn’t know what else to say!

Just a bunch of illiterate Cro-Magnons,

blowin’ on crusty handkerchiefs,

waitin’ in lines for our head to burst into flame,

and that’s the way it was and we liked it!

Grumpy Old Man! Thank you, Grumpy!

( cheering and applause )

( grumbling )

Get out of here.

Flobble-de-flee!

Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine’s new Earth Day edition

celebrating our trees printed five million copies

and used up 35,000 trees.

And nuclear power plant workers

were exposed to more radiation last year than ever before.

In a government study just released,

the radiation dose they received

was roughly equivalent to 50 chest X-rays,

600 tanning salon visits, 12,000 days in the sun,

or one bottle of Perrier.

And M & M turned 50 this week

and reportedly they are going through a change of life,

asking their buyers to now refer to them as "W & W’s."

And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about

her once-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy.

According to Gabor, "I went out with Mr. Kennedy,

"the President of the United States,

"and I was his favorite date,

but he never once asked me to sleep with him."

You know, my respect for Jack Kennedy

grows more and more every day.

And, due to his wonderful performance in front

of the Poindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month,

Ronald Reagan who, when answering "I don’t recall"

to 124 out of 150 questions asked,

sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,

recently won the lead in the sequel

to One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

And this week marked the 54th anniversary

of the abdication of Edward VIII

who gave up the throne of England

because he fell in love with, and wanted to marry,

Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America.

Guess what, folks?

That’s the news and I am out of here!

* ( cheering and applause )

( cheering and applause )

Good evening.

"Sports, say the ancient Greeks, is morally serious

"because mankind’s noblest aim

is the loving contemplation of worthy things."

That’s an excerpt from my new book on baseball

entitled Men at Work,

and I would say it’s particularly a propos

in light of today’s Expo-Padre game.

Joining me today are two gentlemen

who would no doubt agree.

First, former slugger for the Philadelphia Phillies,

Mike Schmidt.

Good day, Mike.

Tell us, what do you miss most

since retiring from baseball last year?

Well, George, I guess I miss going to the ballpark every day.

Ah, yes, ballparks.

In humanity there exists a vestigial memory

of an enclosed green space as a place of freedom or play.

Yeah. I guess.

Excellent.

Competing with Mr. Schmidt today--

a skillful practitioner of the managerial arts--

from the Dodgers, Tommy Lasorda.

Salutations, Tommy.

Good to see you, George. I’m ready to play!

Well, the manager’s role is one of both hector and helper,

naysayer and nexus.

Around his circumference lies the full measure of the game.

I, uh...

Well, I’m ready to play!

Very well.

Let us engage the sports machine.

Gentlemen, as always, the questions

will focus exclusively on baseball,

the only game that transcends the boundary

between fury and repose.

All right, hands on buzzers.

( beeping )

"The precarious balance between infield and outfield

suggests a perfect symmetry.

For $50, identify the effect of that symmetry."

( buzzer sounds )

Sorry. The answer is:

"The exhilarating tension between being and becoming."

Being and becoming.

Next question...

( beeping )

"In 1954, Willie Mays,

in an emphatic stroke of Byzantine whimsy,

made his over-the-shoulder catch off Vic Wertz.

What was it not unlike?"

Take it? Take it? Anyone? Take it?

Uh, the, uh... catch in Cincinnati that--

( buzzer sounds )

Sorry. "It was not unlike

watching Atlantis rise again from the sea,

the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh."

Well, gentlemen, no score as of yet,

but the night is young.

Perhaps what you gentlemen need is a little incentive,

so here to tell you about today’s prizes

is our own Sam Donaldson.

Thank you, George. Thank you.

Today’s winner will receive

copies of Roget’s Expanded Thesaurus.

* Buy me a Roget’s and Cracker Jacks *

* I don’t care if I never come back *

And they’ll also receive...

Choco-Whip chocolate-flavored whip topping.

It’s sweet and fluffy. Mmm, Choco-Whip!

Sam, isn’t it somewhat of a given

that a whip topping would be sweet and fluffy?

Oh, come off it, George!

You can’t see the forest for the trees!

We’ll continue this spirited discussion later.

As for now, it’s time we moved on to the Big Board.

And the categories are:

Mike, choose a category.

Uh, "Pot Luck."

Very well.

( bell dings )

"...and all complexity is purified

into a simple coherence."

Piffle, or not piffle?

Uh...

piffle.

( bell sounds ) That is correct, it’s absolute piffle.

It’s baseball’s complexity, not its purity,

that instills in us our freedom, and you have $100.

Hey, wait a minute! What’s this piffle crap?

What kind of question is that?

I’m sorry, Tommy, but this is not a forum here for debating the merits--

No, no, this isn’t a joke here.

I’m playing for a bunch of kids in the hospital.

You’re making me look like a chump!

I feel kind of stupid, too!

Everything in good time, gentlemen.

We simply need to--

Let me ask you something.

Let me ask you something. You ever playbaseball?

If, by play, you mean drink deep the aura of the game, then--

No, no, I mean play the game in the field, in the field.

Here. Throw this ball.

I’m sorry, Mr. Lasorda, but my duties as quizmaster

compel me to move the game along.

Throw the ball, George!

Throw the ball!

Shut up, Sam!

Now then, next question.

Mike, you have control of the board.

Throw the ball! Come on, throw the ball!

Throw the ball! Throw the ball!

All: Throw the ball!

Throw the ball, George! Throw the ball!

Throw the ball!

( all laugh )

( all clamoring )

He’s getting away!

( all clamoring )

Get back here! Come on! Get him!

He’s headed for the elevator!

Listen, Murdock, if you think Gannon is gonna go to Kincaid

and ask him to lie to Brannigan,

then you’re as crazy as Brubaker says you are.

I don’t care about Burbaker, McCutcheon,

but I can tell you this:

your friend Concannon is going to jail,

and so is Mr. Tortelli,

along with McMurphy, Gannon, Kincaid, and the other Gannon.

Yeah? Well, we’ll see what Senator Madison has to say about that.

Yeah, well, you can tell your friend Senator Hawthorne Madison III

and all his fancy friends at the country club,

Mr. Langford Thornhill and Mr. Wilmot Stotesbury,

that I’ve got a couple of friends on the south side,

Washington and Jefferson,

and a couple on the west, Espinoza and Lopez!

You leave Lopez out of this, Murdock!

*

*

Hello, I’m Donna Maria Teniglietti.

That I’m sure you all know was a scene

from the groundbreaking police drama Smart Streets.

Now, with us today is the man behind Smart Streets

and many other innovative series,

producer Alan Brookmeyer,

our guest today on Movers and Shakers.

Now, Alan Brookmeyer, you’ve been called everything

from "The Thinking Man’s Aaron Spelling"

to "The Most Dangerous Man on TV."

Now, why do the network powers that be fear you so much?

Well, Donna Maria, my shows portray life as it it, I guess.

To some people, that’s disturbing.

I’ve watched your show for years

and I could never put my finger on what makes them so authentic,

but looking at this scene just now, where Murdock

squares off with McCutcheon about Kincaid and Gannon,

I realize it’s the names, isn’t it?

Well, the right choice of name for a character

is very important to me, Donna Maria.

For example, you can’t have a rich person named Lopez.

It’s just wrong, unless you’re gonna spend a lot of time

explaining how this person named Lopez got rich.

You just don’t have that luxury in 48 minutes.

Now, what would be a good name for a rich person?

Mm...

Barkley Honeywell, Jepson Woodworth,

Baxter Honeywell...

Oh, I got one: Prentice Woolridge.

Mm... maybe.

I guess that’s why I’m not a writer.

You’re great at what you do.

Thank you.

Now... ( clears throat )

speaking of disturbing people,

you just had a nasty fight with the networks

over a recent episode of Smart Streets.

Can you tell us about it?

Well, this episode involved a subject

that a lot of the crime shows are afraid to take on: drugs.

Mm-hmm.

And it involved some pretty tough language, street language.

Well, the networks started worrying about the Jerry Falwells,

a couple of the sponsors dropped out, I stood my ground

and, in the end, they shot the scene my way.

Now, we have a clip of that.

Now, do you wanna set this up for us please?

Yes. Well, Alex Cucek, our streetwise undercover cop,

is confronting the lowlife drug dealer Lopez.

Now, Lopez has just killed Cucek’s partner

and, as you’ll see, emotions run high.

Now, if you have any children,

you might want them to leave the room.

The language in this scene is--is very rough.

Now, let’s roll it please.

All right, Lopez, you’re free to go.

All right, thanks, man. Okay, thank you.

Hey, Cucek, huh? No hard feelings.

Sorry about your partner

but, like I said, it was an accident.

( laughs ) Get out of my sight, Lopez.

Or so help me, I’ll kick your rear end

up and down this freakin’ block!

Hey, man! I don’t give a flyin’ damn what you say!

It’s a bunch of flippin’ B.S.!

Listen, you son of a gun.

You know what you are?

You’re nothin’ but a little piece of of bull crud.

You know what bull crud is, don’t ya?

It’s what you find in a field after a bull’s been there.

Now, I’m goin’ off to the W.C.

When I get back, I want your rump out of here!

*

Wow. ( exhales deeply )

Now, the network wanted me to take out "bull crud"

and have Cucek say "bologna."

Now, I can’t have Alex Cucek,

a streetwise cop, saying "bologna."

The language of the street is "bull crud."

Certainly-- certainly the streets I know.

Now, before we go,

I know you wanna discuss your new show Cheef...

about a mentally retarded police chief.

Yes.

That’s right, Donna Maria.

Cheef. That’s C-H-E-E-F.

It’s about a police chief who just happens to be mentally retarded

and, believe me, I had a pretty tough time

with the network suits on this one.

They just didn’t wanna buy a mentally retarded man

as the police chief of a major city,

but that’s their thinking.

When you see a retarded person on TV,

they’re never depicted as someone in a position of responsibility,

and that’s what Cheef is about.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Strong stuff.

So Cheef...

Wednesdays at 10:00.

9:00 Central.

Sounds exciting.

And continues success to you, Alan Brookmeyer,

a Mover and a Shaker.

I’m Donna Maria Teniglietti.

*

Hey, how we doing? You guys gonna be ready in ten minutes?

Oh, you bet, sweetheart. Good.

We’ll be there. We’ll be there.

No, it’s just I was sayin’ Manoski’s a great photographer,

it’s just that I prefer Jabeeno’s lighting, that’s all.

Ah, I don’t know, my friend.

From my experience, Jabeeno always lights it too harsh.

Huh. Well, Paulie, you’ll make us up nice, right?

That’s right, boys. Okay, what’ll it be today?

Paulie, we got a photo session in Studio 3 for the May issue.

You know, thought you might give us a little help for the close-ups down there.

Okay, you want a little more tone? Is that what you’re saying?

Yeah, nothin’ too heavy. Just enough to give it an edge.

Yeah, yeah, just powder it enough to take the glare off it.

You know, make it nice for the people.

All right. You usually work with a pancake base, right?

Well, what I’d like, Paulie, is a nice, deep, translucent hue.

Maybe run some pancake base down the sides.

Maybe highlight the top with some eyeliner.

Make it nice for the people.

Yeah, that’s a nice touch there, Brett.

Hey, you gotta make the people happy.

They’re our bread and butter, the people.

That’s right. I hear you.

Paulie, for me, what I’d like

is a couple of racing stripes going on either side.

Maybe a little bull’s eye in the middle. Can you do that?

’Cause that would be nice for the people.

Oh, I think we can pull that off.

What I’d like is to wrap some string around it

and make it a nice little bundle.

Something the people can take home,

they open it up, boom!

It’s a nice surprise for the people.

That’s right. Put a nice umbrella on it, all right?

Like a nice tropical drink down there, you know?

It’ll be a nice refreshing look for the people, huh?

He’s a good man-- Paulie.

Oh, he’s the best.

You need a good man for the people.

That’s right.

Hi. Is this the May shoot?

Oh, you must be the new nude male model.

Yeah. Have a seat, my friend.

Hey. Russ.

Brett. Clay.

Hey.

Welcome to the magazine.

Yeah, may it be the first of many sessions for you, my friend.

Thank you.

Gee, that’s really nice, you know?

Yeah.

Other nude male models I work with, they’ve been, uh,

you know, really competitive.

Oh, that’s a shame. I hate that.

That’s not good. No, there’s no place in this field,

in this profession for that kind of stuff.

You remember Frank Paloni in that ’87 Blue Boy shoot.

Oh, yeah, that was-- oh, forget it.

The man turned the whole shoot into a contest. Yeah.

Made it uncomfortable for everybody.

That’s right, and none of us were at our best that day.

You know who suffers? You know who ends up payin’ for this?

The people. The people.

It’s a shame.

Is this okay?

Okay? That’s gorgeous! That’s nice.

Wow!

Excuse me.

Mm.

You guys do some pretty elaborate makeup.

Yeah, well, you know, you gotta go that extra mile for the people.

They open up the magazine, they wanna see something new.

You gotta keep it interesting for the people.

Yeah.

Gosh, I’ve, uh...

I’ve kinda always worked as-is.

You don’t dress?

You’re missin’ the boat, my friend.

That is a waste.

Yeah, and look at that.

You got a lot to work with over there.

Yeah. Really?

Yeah, outdoor theme,

maybe a nice picket fence around it.

Make it, you know...

Make it nice and homey for the people.

I see something festive for you.

You know, maybe throw some confetti on it.

You know, create a party effect for the people.

But, you know, that’s just me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

How ’bout an Easter motif?

Nice. I like it. Very nice.

You know, maybe put some greenery along the bottom,

plant a couple of little miniature eggs along the side,

and then put the whole thing

in a little basket for the people.

Oh, throw in a bonnet for the people.

Yeah, he’s learnin’! That’s right!

( chuckles )

Hi, guys. How we doin’? What’s happening here?

We’re almost ready.

Oh, no, no. I don’t believe this.

Why do you do this? That’s an umbrella.

Paulie, clean this up! What are you doing to me?

Hey, we’re just givin’ you options.

Yeah, we’re just throwin’ it out there for ya.

No! No! I want you on the set, pronto! Now!

Oh.

Well... Yeah, no problem.

Her call.

Hey, she’s pretty tough.

She’s a good woman. Knows what she’s doin’.

Yeah.

Hey, Paulie, I got a nice idea.

Maybe put a little cowboy hat on it.

Lady’s had a tough day. Make it nice for her. I think she’ll like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s nice.

Me, too, Paulie. Make it nice for me.

Yeah, maybe wrap some lights around it, some flashing lights.

Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

Yeah, okay. That’s nice.

*

Thank you very much! I had a great time, huh!

Hey, how about The Smithereens!

Yeah!

What a week!

Hi, Pop!

* ( cheering and applause )