Original subtitles

( doorbell rings )

MAN: Yes?

Hello? Is anybody home? Yes.

Hi, I’m here from the U.S. Bureau of the Census.

I’m an enumerator.

Oh. Hello. How can I help you?

I just want to ask you a few questions for the U.S. Census.

All right, go ahead.

How many persons are living at this address?

Well, that’s a very good question.

I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that.

All right.

Is this house owned or rented?

I don’t really know that.

I’m pretty sure I knew that information at one time,

but right now I just don’t recall.

Okay, I see.

How many apartments-- occupied or vacant--

are there in this house or building?

Well, now, I know there is someone who knows that,

but I can’t quite recall his name.

Although it’s very familiar.

Okay. Are you married, single or divorced?

Well, that’s something I remember people talking about,

but I don’t recall what they were saying.

Um, is there anyone at home who maybe could remember?

Well, it’s a shame. You just missed my wife Nancy,

and she probably knows all of this.

Do you know when she might be back?

Obviously, that information exists.

I--I know we’ve discussed it,

but I’m afraid I’ve forgotten it.

Oh, wait. That’s it. She never told me.

I was never told.

Okay.

Uh, what race do you belong to?

Well, I’m not sure about all that.

Well, are you African-American?

That, I don’t recall.

Asian or Pacific Islander?

Possibly. I’m not denying it.

It’s just that I don’t recall.

Eskimo or Aleut?

Well, that I don’t recall at all.

Obviously, I am something, but I’m not--

I just--

Are you Oriental?

Oh. Ha ha ha ha!

I don’t know.

Well, I’ve finished all the questions.

Thanks for your time.

Well, you’re welcome. Good-bye.

( alarm ringing )

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Eric Clapton.

And starring Debra Winger.

Ladies and gentlemen, Debra Winger!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

If you had told me a week and a half ago

that I’d be standing on this stage tonight

hosting Saturday Night Live,

I would’ve said, "Why would I?"

But as I look back on the amazing coincidences that brought me here,

I can see that it was quite inevitable.

As you all know, Monday night is Oscar night,

so, of course, they wanted someone to host the show

who had won an Oscar.

Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated this year.

Failing that, they wanted someone who had been nominated in the last ten years

and who would be available--

meaning someone who had not been invited

to participate in the Oscar ceremony itself,

either as a presenter or an invited guest.

Evidently, only one person fit all these qualifications--

me.

Plus, I was in New York anyway,

having no reason to be in L.A. at this time of year,

and I was available,

having no projects lined up at anytime soon.

And here’s where the coincidences come in.

I’m sitting in a restaurant last Friday night,

and who’s at the table next to me

but a group of people from Saturday Night Live,

talking about how they haven’t got a host for their Oscar show yet.

So, if you put it all together--

nominated for an Oscar in the last ten years,

not invited to the ceremony,

in New York, available-- no projects--

in the right restaurant at the right time--

well, you can understand why I feel so special tonight.

So, don’t tell Debra Winger

she wasn’t meant to host Saturday Night Livetonight.

Anyway--

Eric--

Eric Clapton is here.

Let’s see. He was in town, on tour,

and he’s got an album coming out.

So, we’ve got a great show. We’ll be right back.

This is the end of the monologue.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

The most restrictive anti-abortion legislation in any state

has been passed in Idaho this week.

The bill would allow doctors to end a pregnancy

only in cases of rape, in cases of incest,

and in the case the woman goes to another state to get an abortion.

It was revealed this week that the Contras are breaking up

because one of them is dating Yoko.

And Lithuania has declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

While the Soviets have ruled out military intervention,

they have not ruled out military intervention.

The Soviets said they would not fire on their own people

and are manning their tanks with members of the Chinese Red Army.

Today is the first anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill

in Prince William Sound,

and on Thursday, former captain Joseph Hazelwood--

whose absence from the bridge of his ship

was blamed for the disaster--

was acquitted of all but one minor charge.

When asked how he planned to celebrate the decision,

Hazelwood said he was gonna get really ripped

and drive a gasoline tanker truck down San Francisco’s Lombard Street.

Here is Hazelwood with his arm around his lawyer Michael Chalos

as they began a news conference Thursday in Anchorage.

The stunned look on the lawyer’s face can be attributed

to the fact that Hazelwood has just walked him into a doorjamb

upon entering a room a moment before.

In Minneapolis this week, three airline pilots

were charged with operating an aircraft while under the influence of alcohol.

The prosecutors said that on the eve of their early-morning flight

from Fargo, North Dakota, to Minneapolis,

the pilots sat in the local bar

and had 19 rum and Cokes,

and his copilot and second officer

drank between five and six pitchers of beer.

At least now we know where they’re getting all those damn peanuts

they’re trying to pass off on us.

You know, the Japanese bought everything this week.

Everything.

Former Philippines First Lady Imelda Marcos

complained about being tried in the United States

as she arrived in court for the start of her racketeering trial this week.

"I’m a Philippine citizen," she said.

"I should be tried in my own country."

Here we see Mrs. Marcos with her defense attorney, Mr. Haney.

The House Science Committee this week voted

to finance the development of high-definition television--

H.D.T.V.--

which would have a clarity rivaling that of movies.

It won’t be ready until the mid-’90s,

but we’ve arranged a little demonstration.

First, you’re seeing me in ordinary TV transmission,

and now here I am as I would look on high-definition.

Whoa, whoa.

You know, I don’t think I like it.

Take me back, Clarence! Take me back, Clarence!

Take me back! There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

The joint East-German and West-German Congress met this week.

The first order of business-- who gets the royalties

for the word Gesundheit.

Donald Trump has dumped model Marla Maples.

Asked if he feared a possible lawsuit by Marla Maples,

Trump replied, "No, we signed a pre-adulteral agreement."

And, here now with a commentary

on the values and priorities in American journalism,

is Mr. Subliminal.

Hello, Mr. Subliminal. Thank you.

Welcome Mr. Subliminal, everybody!

Thank you. Thank you, Dennis-- haircut.

You know, there’s so many--

there’s so many important newsworthy events in today’s world.

But what’s making headlines?

Donald and Ivana Trump-- greedy pigs.

I mean, what’s the big deal?

The Trumps are just two normal people

with normal problems-- therapy.

Donald’s a confused man

who should evoke our sympathy and understanding-- cheating bastard.

And Ivana--a very sweet

and unfortunately heartbroken woman-- had it coming to her--

who was misled into signing

an obviously unfair prenuptial agreement-- sucker.

And caught up in all of this, in the middle,

is a sweet, innocent country girl

named Marla Maples-- home-wrecker--

who never had a chance

to defend herself before the press--guilty.

And who cares? Who cares where she’s hiding out? Atlantic City.

Personally, I just don’t understand the fascination with her--breasts.

I mean, German reunification is right around the corner-- big mistake--

and Marla’s picture is on the cover of every paper.

There’s no reason for this-- big breasts.

Now, let’s get our priorities in the right place--hot sex.

So, in summing up, let’s Donald--fish mouth--

and Ivana out of the news

and let that poor, innocent Marla Maples--slut--

live her life without the press manipulating her-- call me.

I mean, come on.

You know...I mean, really.

You see--

Let me just say--

Marla doesn’t deserve this-- tie me up.

And the public doesn’t deserve this.

Unlike other news reporters,

I have true journalistic values-- talk dirty to me.

And from this point on, I will bring to you

only the most important and newsworthy issues

in today’s world-- bring Donald’s money.

Thank you. Dennis?

Mr. Subliminal.

Thank you.

Amazing. You know...

President Bush said yesterday

that he is against any government art censorship

of, quote, "what you write or what you print

or how you express yourself."

He said he had confidence in the National Endowment for the Arts

and backed it up by appointing, as co-chairmen,

Sam Kinison and Andrew Dice Clay.

And Ann Miller joined Mummenschanz this week.

Actor John Candy was given his own star this week

on Hollywood Boulevard.

And veterinarians in Los Angeles

assisted in the hatching of a California condor chick this week--

one of only 35 left in existence.

You know a species is on its way out

when it can’t even get out of its own egg, huh?

A new value has been found for aspirin this week.

Not only can aspirin reduce the risk of heart attacks

and reduce the risk of strokes,

it is also believed it can relieve pain for minor headaches.

This is Todd Shaw, a young Seattleite.

Don’t worry, Todd. There’s a special soap for that.

And I don’t know what the hell happened here,

but I’ll bet you the driver thinks he’s approaching the entrance

to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

*

ANNOUNCER: You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois, community access channel.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Whoo! All right!

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your excellent host, Wayne Campbell!

Party! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Party hardy! It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Okay. Before we bring out our first guest,

I just want to point out that on Monday,

we have the Oscars, and we have something to say about that, man.

Where’s Batman? Yeah, right!

I mean, what a gyp-ola!

Yeah! What a gyp-o-rama.

All right? So, in light of this gross injustice,

we present the first annual Wayne’s WorldOscar Picks.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right. The first category is...

Best Supporting Actor. Garth?

All right, and the winner is...

Jack Nicholson for Batman.

Excellent! Whoo!

All right.

Best Babe in a Major Motion Picture.

They should make these easier to open.

And the winner is-- Excuse me. And the Oscar goes to...

Kim Basinger for Batman.

Rrraow! Rrraow!

All right, Best Movie Junk that you could buy.

Batman!This is getting embarrassing!

( cheering )

All right. Okay, for the Best Movie of the Year...

( imitating drum roll )

Batmanagain! Whoo!

He shoots, he scores! All right!

And for best Foreign Film...

Cinema Paradiso.

( cheering )

Excellent. Okay, silent scream!

( squealing )

Okay. Excellent scream.

Now we’d like to bring out our first guest.

You all know her. Her name is Lisa Harwen,

and she’s an excellent babe.

Please welcome Lisa.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Okay.

Welcome to Wayne’s World,Lisa.

Gracias,Wayne.

You know Garth, of course.

Hi, Garth. Hi, Lisa.

Excellent. Well, Lisa, I just gotta say,

you look hot. You’re a Baby-lonian. Good work, my friend.

Merci,Wayne.

Okay, you are most welcome.

Lisa, tell everyone why you wanted to be on Wayne’s World.

Well, Wayne, I wanted to stop all these really bogus rumors

that I’ve been overhearing lately.

It’s true, you do bear the mark of the loser lately.

And you’re referring, of course,

to the rumors that you’re, well...a slut.

Yeah, that’s right, yeah.

That you’re a ho.

Yeah.

That, at the drop of a hat, you lift tail.

Okay, Wayne. We get the point.

God, you guys, I hear you, like, fake sneezing.

( sneezing ) What a slut. What a slut.

Real funny.

Anyways, so, I just wanted to come on the show

and clear the air and tell everyone once and for all

that these rumors just are not true.

They’re not true.

Okay, but would you be willing

to submit yourself a mock courtroom trial

to disprove these rumors?

Well, yeah. All right, so be it.

Chick court is now in session.

( vocalizing theme song )

Chick Court, with your host, Wayne Campbell.

All right, Garth, you be the prosecutor,

I’ll be the attorney for the defense. Excellent.

And you, the people of Aurora,

you’ll be the jury, okay? Great, okay.

I call Lisa Harwen to the stand.

Put your hand on the guitar.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth?

I do. Okay.

All right, my witness.

Let me begin the questioning by asking...

is it or is it not true that you went out

with one Patrick McDonald, one Andrew Wilson,

and one David Houghtman,

and a guy from Naperville named Apollo--

who lived in a group home-- all in one week?

I object! On what grounds?

On the grounds that I’ve always wanted to do that.

Sustained. Excellent. Excellent.

All right.

Okay, answer the question.

Garth, just get a life, all right?

First of all, I never went out with Patrick McDonald.

I mean, he wishes.

Second of all, Andrew Wilson is truly rancid.

And thirdly, David Houghtman is a weevil

and he won’t fall down.

Who told you about Apollo?

Tim Meadows.

Tim Meadows. Quelle gimp!

What a gimp extraordinaire.

He’s a liar. Everyone just believes him

because they feel sorry for him

’cause he went blind for a year.

That’s right! I hate that guy.

He’s such a faker. Strike that from the record.

All right, your witness!

Cross-examination!

All right, Lisa, in your own words,

could you tell the court why you feel

you’ve been given this reputation as a nympho?

Well, I guess it’s ’cause maybe, like--

I don’t know-- my breasts sort of developed at an early age,

and, I don’t know, I wear cool clothes,

and ’cause certain girls are just mega-jeal.

Like, they wave the green flag, okay?

Okay. I have no more questions.

All right, I call to the stand

one Nancy Simmons!

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right, welcome to Wayne’s World. Thank you.

Place your hand on the guitar.

Do you swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth?

I do. Okay.

She stuffs! I do not!

You stuff! I do not!

Chick fight! Chick fight!

Give these two girls saucers of milk.

There’s gonna be a cat fight.

Schwing! Ding-ding-ding! Rrraow!

Garth, this is great.

All right, my witness. Okay, Nancy, answer the question.

In your opinion, do you think that Lisa

goes the way of the trollop or what?

She’s the biggest tramp in all of Aurora.

You bitch! You’re the bitch!

Oh, good comeback, honey.

Hey, nice jean jacket. Last time I had a jean jacket like that,

then my mom got a job. Oh, shut up.

Order, order in the court.

Ow, stop that! Cool it down.

Okay, now I’d like to question you.

Isn’t it true that you and Lisa had a big fight,

in which you started to cry

because Lisa said that you were conceited?

Yes.

Do you remember what you said to your friends

half an hour later?

I don’t know. Something. I don’t remember what it was.

Something? Something, is it? How about, "I’m gonna start a rumor

that Lisa’s a slut." Does that sound familiar?

Maybe. I don’t know.

Does that sound familiar?!

Yes, I said it! I did!

All right, now, is it not also true

that it is, in fact, you and not Lisa

who went out with Patrick McDonald, Andrew Wilson,

and David Houghtman?

Yes, it’s true!

All right, that’s the case!

We find you not guilty.

Excellent! ( crying )

Lisa, now that your name is cleared,

do you want to go out with me?

Yeah. Okay, great, excellent.

All right, everybody! Lambada!

*

*

Thank you to Eric Clapton. I think I’ll go back to films,

but I had a great time. Hope you liked it.