All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E16.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

( doorbell rings )

MAN: Yes?

Hello?
Is anybody home?
Yes.

Hi, I’m here from
the U.S. Bureau
of the Census.

I’m an enumerator.

Oh. Hello.
How can I help you?

I just want to ask you
a few questions
for the U.S. Census.

All right, go ahead.

How many persons are
living at this address?

Well, that’s a very
good question.

I’m afraid I don’t know
the answer to that.

All right.

Is this house
owned or rented?

I don’t really
know that.

I’m pretty sure
I knew that information
at one time,

but right now
I just don’t recall.

Okay, I see.

How many apartments--
occupied or vacant--

are there in this
house or building?

Well, now, I know
there is someone
who knows that,

but I can’t quite
recall his name.

Although
it’s very familiar.

Okay. Are you married,
single or divorced?

Well, that’s something
I remember people
talking about,

but I don’t recall
what they were saying.

Um, is there anyone
at home who maybe
could remember?

Well, it’s a shame.
You just missed
my wife Nancy,

and she probably
knows all of this.

Do you know when
she might be back?

Obviously,
that information exists.

I--I know we’ve
discussed it,

but I’m afraid
I’ve forgotten it.

Oh, wait. That’s it.
She never told me.

I was never told.

Okay.

Uh, what race
do you belong to?

Well, I’m not sure
about all that.

Well, are you
African-American?

That, I don’t recall.

Asian or
Pacific Islander?

Possibly.
I’m not denying it.

It’s just that
I don’t recall.

Eskimo or Aleut?

Well, that I don’t
recall at all.

Obviously,
I am something,
but I’m not--

I just--

Are you Oriental?

Oh. Ha ha ha ha!

I don’t know.

Well, I’ve finished
all the questions.

Thanks for your time.

Well, you’re welcome.
Good-bye.

( alarm ringing )

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Eric Clapton.

And starring Debra Winger.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Debra Winger!

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

If you had told me
a week and a half ago

that I’d be standing
on this stage tonight

hosting
Saturday Night Live,

I would’ve said,
"Why would I?"

But as I look back
on the amazing coincidences
that brought me here,

I can see that it was
quite inevitable.

As you all know,
Monday night is Oscar night,

so, of course, they wanted
someone to host the show

who had won an Oscar.

Failing that,
they wanted someone who had
been nominated this year.

Failing that, they wanted
someone who had been nominated
in the last ten years

and who would be available--

meaning someone who
had not been invited

to participate in the Oscar
ceremony itself,

either as a presenter
or an invited guest.

Evidently, only one person
fit all these qualifications--

me.

Plus, I was in
New York anyway,

having no reason
to be in L.A.
at this time of year,

and I was available,

having no projects
lined up at anytime soon.

And here’s where
the coincidences come in.

I’m sitting in a restaurant
last Friday night,

and who’s at the table
next to me

but a group of people
from Saturday Night Live,

talking about how
they haven’t got a host
for their Oscar show yet.

So, if you put it
all together--

nominated for an Oscar
in the last ten years,

not invited to the ceremony,

in New York, available--
no projects--

in the right restaurant
at the right time--

well, you can understand
why I feel so special tonight.

So, don’t tell Debra Winger

she wasn’t meant to host
Saturday Night Livetonight.

Anyway--

Eric--

Eric Clapton is here.

Let’s see.
He was in town, on tour,

and he’s got an album
coming out.

So, we’ve got a great show.
We’ll be right back.

This is the end
of the monologue.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

The most restrictive
anti-abortion legislation
in any state

has been passed in Idaho
this week.

The bill would allow doctors
to end a pregnancy

only in cases of rape,
in cases of incest,

and in the case the woman
goes to another state
to get an abortion.

It was revealed this week
that the Contras
are breaking up

because one of them
is dating Yoko.

And Lithuania has declared
its independence from
the Soviet Union.

While the Soviets have
ruled out military
intervention,

they have not ruled out
military intervention.

The Soviets said
they would not fire
on their own people

and are manning their tanks
with members of the Chinese
Red Army.

Today is the first anniversary
of the Exxon Valdez
oil spill

in Prince William Sound,

and on Thursday,
former captain
Joseph Hazelwood--

whose absence from
the bridge of his ship

was blamed
for the disaster--

was acquitted of all
but one minor charge.

When asked how he planned
to celebrate the decision,

Hazelwood said he was
gonna get really ripped

and drive a gasoline
tanker truck down
San Francisco’s Lombard Street.

Here is Hazelwood with
his arm around his lawyer
Michael Chalos

as they began a news conference
Thursday in Anchorage.

The stunned look
on the lawyer’s face
can be attributed

to the fact that Hazelwood
has just walked him
into a doorjamb

upon entering a room
a moment before.

In Minneapolis this week,
three airline pilots

were charged with operating
an aircraft while under
the influence of alcohol.

The prosecutors said
that on the eve of their
early-morning flight

from Fargo, North Dakota,
to Minneapolis,

the pilots sat
in the local bar

and had 19 rum and Cokes,

and his copilot
and second officer

drank between five
and six pitchers of beer.

At least now we know
where they’re getting
all those damn peanuts

they’re trying
to pass off on us.

You know, the Japanese
bought everything this week.

Everything.

Former Philippines First Lady
Imelda Marcos

complained about being tried
in the United States

as she arrived in court
for the start of her
racketeering trial this week.

"I’m a Philippine citizen,"
she said.

"I should be tried
in my own country."

Here we see Mrs. Marcos
with her defense attorney,
Mr. Haney.

The House Science Committee
this week voted

to finance the development
of high-definition television--

H.D.T.V.--

which would have a clarity
rivaling that of movies.

It won’t be ready
until the mid-’90s,

but we’ve arranged
a little demonstration.

First, you’re seeing me
in ordinary TV transmission,

and now here I am as I would
look on high-definition.

Whoa, whoa.

You know,
I don’t think I like it.

Take me back, Clarence!
Take me back, Clarence!

Take me back!
There’s no place like home.
There’s no place like home.

The joint East-German
and West-German Congress
met this week.

The first order of business--
who gets the royalties

for the word Gesundheit.

Donald Trump has dumped
model Marla Maples.

Asked if he feared
a possible lawsuit
by Marla Maples,

Trump replied, "No, we signed
a pre-adulteral agreement."

And, here now with
a commentary

on the values and priorities
in American journalism,

is Mr. Subliminal.

Hello, Mr. Subliminal.
Thank you.

Welcome Mr. Subliminal,
everybody!

Thank you.
Thank you, Dennis--
haircut.

You know, there’s so many--

there’s so many important
newsworthy events
in today’s world.

But what’s making headlines?

Donald and Ivana Trump--
greedy pigs.

I mean,
what’s the big deal?

The Trumps are just
two normal people

with normal problems--
therapy.

Donald’s a confused man

who should evoke our sympathy
and understanding--
cheating bastard.

And Ivana--a very sweet

and unfortunately
heartbroken woman--
had it coming to her--

who was misled
into signing

an obviously unfair
prenuptial agreement--
sucker.

And caught up in all of this,
in the middle,

is a sweet, innocent
country girl

named Marla Maples--
home-wrecker--

who never had a chance

to defend herself
before the press--guilty.

And who cares? Who cares
where she’s hiding out?
Atlantic City.

Personally, I just don’t
understand the fascination
with her--breasts.

I mean, German reunification
is right around the corner--
big mistake--

and Marla’s picture is
on the cover of every paper.

There’s no reason for this--
big breasts.

Now, let’s get our priorities
in the right place--hot sex.

So, in summing up,
let’s Donald--fish mouth--

and Ivana out of the news

and let that poor, innocent
Marla Maples--slut--

live her life without
the press manipulating her--
call me.

I mean, come on.

You know...I mean, really.

You see--

Let me just say--

Marla doesn’t deserve this--
tie me up.

And the public
doesn’t deserve this.

Unlike other news reporters,

I have true
journalistic values--
talk dirty to me.

And from this point on,
I will bring to you

only the most important
and newsworthy issues

in today’s world--
bring Donald’s money.

Thank you. Dennis?

Mr. Subliminal.

Thank you.

Amazing. You know...

President Bush
said yesterday

that he is against
any government art censorship

of, quote, "what you write
or what you print

or how you
express yourself."

He said he had confidence
in the National Endowment
for the Arts

and backed it up
by appointing, as co-chairmen,

Sam Kinison
and Andrew Dice Clay.

And Ann Miller joined
Mummenschanz this week.

Actor John Candy was given
his own star this week

on Hollywood Boulevard.

And veterinarians
in Los Angeles

assisted in the hatching
of a California condor chick
this week--

one of only 35 left
in existence.

You know a species
is on its way out

when it can’t even get out
of its own egg, huh?

A new value has been found
for aspirin this week.

Not only can aspirin reduce
the risk of heart attacks

and reduce the risk
of strokes,

it is also believed
it can relieve pain
for minor headaches.

This is Todd Shaw,
a young Seattleite.

Don’t worry, Todd.
There’s a special soap
for that.

And I don’t know
what the hell happened here,

but I’ll bet you the driver
thinks he’s approaching
the entrance

to the Lincoln Tunnel.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

*

ANNOUNCER:
You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois,
community access channel.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo!
Whoo! All right!

Welcome to
Wayne’s World.

Here’s your excellent
host, Wayne Campbell!

Party!
Whoo!

Whoo!
Whoo!

Party hardy!
It’s Friday, it’s 10:30,
it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always,
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.

Okay. Before we bring out
our first guest,

I just want to point out
that on Monday,

we have the Oscars,
and we have something
to say about that, man.

Where’s Batman?
Yeah, right!

I mean, what a gyp-ola!

Yeah!
What a gyp-o-rama.

All right? So, in light
of this gross injustice,

we present the first annual
Wayne’s WorldOscar Picks.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right. The first
category is...

Best Supporting Actor.
Garth?

All right,
and the winner is...

Jack Nicholson
for Batman.

Excellent! Whoo!

All right.

Best Babe in a Major
Motion Picture.

They should make these
easier to open.

And the winner is--
Excuse me. And the Oscar
goes to...

Kim Basinger
for Batman.

Rrraow! Rrraow!

All right,
Best Movie Junk
that you could buy.

Batman!This is
getting embarrassing!

( cheering )

All right. Okay,
for the Best Movie
of the Year...

( imitating drum roll )

Batmanagain!
Whoo!

He shoots, he scores!
All right!

And for best
Foreign Film...

Cinema Paradiso.

( cheering )

Excellent.
Okay, silent scream!

( squealing )

Okay.
Excellent scream.

Now we’d like to bring out
our first guest.

You all know her.
Her name is Lisa Harwen,

and she’s
an excellent babe.

Please welcome Lisa.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo!
Okay.

Welcome to
Wayne’s World,Lisa.

Gracias,Wayne.

You know Garth,
of course.

Hi, Garth.
Hi, Lisa.

Excellent. Well, Lisa,
I just gotta say,

you look hot.
You’re a Baby-lonian.
Good work, my friend.

Merci,Wayne.

Okay, you are
most welcome.

Lisa, tell everyone
why you wanted to be
on Wayne’s World.

Well, Wayne, I wanted
to stop all these
really bogus rumors

that I’ve been
overhearing lately.

It’s true,
you do bear the mark
of the loser lately.

And you’re referring,
of course,

to the rumors that
you’re, well...a slut.

Yeah, that’s right, yeah.

That you’re a ho.

Yeah.

That, at the drop of
a hat, you lift tail.

Okay, Wayne.
We get the point.

God, you guys,
I hear you, like,
fake sneezing.

( sneezing )
What a slut. What a slut.

Real funny.

Anyways, so, I just wanted
to come on the show

and clear the air
and tell everyone
once and for all

that these rumors
just are not true.

They’re not true.

Okay, but would
you be willing

to submit yourself
a mock courtroom trial

to disprove
these rumors?

Well, yeah.
All right, so be it.

Chick court
is now in session.

( vocalizing theme song )

Chick Court, with your host,
Wayne Campbell.

All right, Garth,
you be the prosecutor,

I’ll be the attorney
for the defense.
Excellent.

And you,
the people of Aurora,

you’ll be the jury, okay?
Great, okay.

I call Lisa Harwen
to the stand.

Put your hand
on the guitar.

Do you promise to tell
the truth, the whole truth?

I do.
Okay.

All right,
my witness.

Let me begin the questioning
by asking...

is it or is it not true
that you went out

with one Patrick McDonald,
one Andrew Wilson,

and one David Houghtman,

and a guy from Naperville
named Apollo--

who lived in a group home--
all in one week?

I object!
On what grounds?

On the grounds that
I’ve always wanted
to do that.

Sustained. Excellent.
Excellent.

All right.

Okay, answer the question.

Garth, just get a life,
all right?

First of all,
I never went out
with Patrick McDonald.

I mean, he wishes.

Second of all,
Andrew Wilson
is truly rancid.

And thirdly,
David Houghtman is a weevil

and he won’t fall down.

Who told you
about Apollo?

Tim Meadows.

Tim Meadows.
Quelle gimp!

What a gimp
extraordinaire.

He’s a liar. Everyone
just believes him

because they feel
sorry for him

’cause he went
blind for a year.

That’s right!
I hate that guy.

He’s such a faker.
Strike that from
the record.

All right,
your witness!

Cross-examination!

All right, Lisa,
in your own words,

could you tell the
court why you feel

you’ve been given
this reputation
as a nympho?

Well, I guess it’s
’cause maybe, like--

I don’t know--
my breasts sort of
developed at an early age,

and, I don’t know,
I wear cool clothes,

and ’cause certain girls
are just mega-jeal.

Like, they wave
the green flag, okay?

Okay. I have
no more questions.

All right, I call
to the stand

one Nancy Simmons!

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right, welcome
to Wayne’s World.
Thank you.

Place your hand
on the guitar.

Do you swear to tell
the whole truth,
nothing but the truth?

I do.
Okay.

She stuffs!
I do not!

You stuff!
I do not!

Chick fight!
Chick fight!

Give these
two girls
saucers of milk.

There’s gonna
be a cat fight.

Schwing!
Ding-ding-ding!
Rrraow!

Garth,
this is great.

All right, my witness.
Okay, Nancy, answer
the question.

In your opinion,
do you think that Lisa

goes the way of
the trollop or what?

She’s the
biggest tramp in
all of Aurora.

You bitch!
You’re the bitch!

Oh, good comeback,
honey.

Hey, nice jean jacket.
Last time I had
a jean jacket like that,

then my mom got a job.
Oh, shut up.

Order, order
in the court.

Ow, stop that!
Cool it down.

Okay, now I’d like
to question you.

Isn’t it true
that you and Lisa
had a big fight,

in which
you started to cry

because Lisa said that
you were conceited?

Yes.

Do you remember what
you said to your friends

half an hour later?

I don’t know.
Something. I don’t
remember what it was.

Something? Something, is it?
How about, "I’m gonna
start a rumor

that Lisa’s a slut."
Does that sound familiar?

Maybe. I don’t know.

Does that sound
familiar?!

Yes, I said it! I did!

All right, now,
is it not also true

that it is, in fact,
you and not Lisa

who went out with
Patrick McDonald,
Andrew Wilson,

and David Houghtman?

Yes, it’s true!

All right,
that’s the case!

We find you
not guilty.

Excellent!
( crying )

Lisa, now that your name
is cleared,

do you want
to go out with me?

Yeah.
Okay, great, excellent.

All right, everybody!
Lambada!

*

*

Thank you to Eric Clapton.
I think I’ll go back to films,

but I had a great time.
Hope you liked it.