Original subtitles

DON PARDO: From the White House,

the President of the United States.

Good evening.

You know, a few months ago,

we all witnessed the Revolution of ’89--

the fall of that Berlin Wall,

doing that falling thing down there,

democracy across Eastern Europe.

Now-- now, there were those at that juncture

who said we won the Cold War,

time to gloat.

But I said no, gloating wouldn’t be prudent.

Not gonna gloat.

Not ga’ glo’.

Just look at the dividends not gloating has paid--

the Soviets free market system adopted.

Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega gone-- he’s gone!

Replaced by Mrs. Chamorro,

wife of slain national hero down there,

widow woman, not unattractive.

Available.

( comical chuckle )

Lithuania independent over there,

and all because I didn’t gloat.

Could gloat now.

Easily justified.

Eighty percent approval rating.

It’s good, it’s good.

Most popular person ever.

But don’t want to rest on our laurels.

Work to do.

Lots of work to da’.

These new democracies, like a newborn baby,

needin’ constant care, but it’s worth it,

watchin’ ’em grow,

takin’ those first steps toward freedom,

tellin’ your friends about the cute little things they did.

( comical chuckle )

Sure, there’s problems for these infant democracies--

the soiled diapers of inherited economic problems,

the drool of crippling debt,

the smelly split-up...

of rigged elections. Two minutes, Rob.

Oh. Oh, thanks, Joey.

Rob, you wanted to see me?

Yeah, Lorne, look, I’m sorry. I know it’s the last minute,

but I’ve just got this weird, scary feeling.

What about?

Well, you know, this is the first time

I’ve been in front of an audience since...

you know... the thing.

Wh-what thing?

Well, you know, the tape... thing.

And I just, you know--

what if I go out there and people resent me?

Because of the tape?

Would they even remember it?

Well, yeah, you know? I think they might.

( knock on door ) You BUSY?

No, come on in, Kevin, Vic.

Rob’s a little concerned that the audience

might be thinking about that tape incident in Atlanta.

Really?

Well, yeah, you know, maybe think that I’m some sort of,

I don’t know , sleaze or lowlife.

Wait a minute.

You’re worried that Mr. Joe Average American is thinking about that?

I promise you, if they ever heard of the tape,

they forgot about it a long time ago.

Nobody cares. Nobody cares!

Really?

Y-you really think so?

People are watching the show tonight

wondering what we’re gonna do with St. Elmo’s Fire

or Oxford Blues.

They’re not tuning in to see us comment

on your personal sex life.

You know, that’s none of their business, and they know it.

I think he’s right, Rob.

Vic, you’ve been pretty quiet.

What do you think? Is the tape thing a problem?

Well, I think it helps you.

I mean... I mean, if enough people know about it.

Well, no, wait-- so, in other words,

I go out there, and that audience

isn’t gonna treat me like I’m some kind of jerk?

Why should they? You’re Rob Lowe!

( soft chuckle )

You’re right! So you feel a little better?

Yeah, yeah. And you know what?

I feel a little foolish for even worrying.

You know, in fact, I’m psyched!

All right!

...the chicken pox,

the ear infection of civil war.

So, to sum up, gloating too soon.

Maybe later.

Mrs. Chamorro, available.

Drool worth it.

Dan Quayle, gaining acceptance at a faster rate.

Ortega gone,

but still, live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO: It’sSaturday Night Live...

...with Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon,

and featuring A. Whitney Brown,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band,

musical guest The Pogues...

and starring...

Rob Lowe!

Ladies and gentlemen, Rob Lowe!

( sparse applause )

( audience titters )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it’s great to be here

hosting Saturday Night Live!

( no applause ) ( audience titters )

MAN: You got a lot of nerve! I have a daughter!

( laughter )

No, actually, I’m glad that this has come up.

I... ( sighs )

The incident to which the gentlemen is referring

is-- is an unfortunate situation,

and I regret it.

It’s been, um, very difficult for me,

but I’ve learned something--

that through experiences like this,

you can really find out the value

and the loyalty of your friends,

and I’ve found out that I do have a lot of friends.

MAN: We’re not your friends.

I’ve got a daughter!

( laughter )

( laughter )

Well...

We’ve got a great show tonight.

Our musical guests, all the way from Ireland,

we’ve got The Pogues!

( scattered whoops )

Oh, now, come on! Don’t hold it against them.

They didn’t do anything.

I mean, they don’t even know me!

Oh, come on!

I mean, it’s St. Patrick’s Day!

( silence )

Well, anyway, we’ll be right back.

Hey, Rob, why don’t you-- Jon.

Why don’t you just go change for the next sketch.

I’ll handle this. All right. Guess you’re right.

Yeah, go on.

Okay, The Pogues are here! Hey!

( cheers and applause )

We’ll be right back.

* O St. Patty’s Day is here *

* There’s whiskey in the jar *

* So let us drink to Ireland *

* Till we’re facedown on the bar *

* For I’m a son of the Irish *

* And I like my whiskey neat *

* I learned to drink at mother’s knee *

* And threw up on her feet *

MAN: Faith and begorrah!

There’s nobody quite like the Irish,

and there’s nothing like this collection

of traditional Irish drinking songs

to make your St. Patrick’s Day festivities complete.

* O the Germans are the best at war *

* The French at their cuisine *

* But nobody else gets drunker than the Irish *

* I’ll thank ye, sir, for pourin’ me *

* Another glass of grog *

* But I think I’ve had enough to drink *

* I’ve thrown up on the dog *

* With whiskey rum rye riddle *

* With a whiskey riddle rum rye *

* Rye and whiskey, Too Ra Loo *

* I’ve thrown up on your shirt *

( comical growl )

* I’ve only time for one more drink *

* It seems my wife has died *

You don’t have to be Irish

to enjoy this St. Patrick’s Day collection.

And speaking of not being Irish,

you’ll get this novelty classic.

* They picked me face up off the floor *

* And said, "Now, who be you?" *

* I’m Riley O’ Malley O’ Schoenberg *

* The drunken Irish Jew! *

( good-natured laughter )

* O my father is drunk and my uncle is drunk *

* And my brother is drunk and my cousin is drunk *

* And my mother is drunk and the baby is drunk *

* And the ones that aren’t drinkin’ are dead! *

MAN: And the enduring favorite,

The Incoherent Song!

( all singing incoherently )

You’ll get...

...and of course the Irish Crying Song!

( "O Danny Boy" melody plays )

( all crying and blubbering )

And the timeless Drinking/Fighting Song!

* O we’ll drink and drink and drink and drink *

* And drink and drink and drink *

* Then we’ll fight and fight and fight and fight *

* And fight and fight and fight *

* O we’ll drink and drink and drink and drink *

* And drink and drink and drink *

To order your copy ofIrish Drinking Songs,

call 1-800-FLOTHERED.

Specify tape, album, or compact disc.

Oh, you’ll be wantin’ the compact disc.

You can’t fall down and break it!

* And drink and drink *

* And drink and drink and drink *

* Then we’ll fight and fight and fight and fight... *

MAN: And now it’s time forChurch Chat.

Hello, I’m the Church Lady,

and this is Church Chat.

Well... ( cheers and applause )

Well, well, well, happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all.

St. Patrick’s Day. Let’s think about that.

What is it really?

A harmless Irish tradition,

or a chance for people to fornicate

like drunken little beastmasters?

But we don’t have time to talk about

that delicious subject

because I have a very special guest.

For almost two years, this young man

has been a knot in my corset

and a hair in my Cream o’ Wheat.

So will you please welcome Rob Lowe!

Well. Rob Lowe in the flesh. I could...

reach out and touch you, but I’m not gonna do that.

Well, welcome to the show, Rob.

Thank you, Church Lady. It’s good to be here.

I guess it is. Just settle down, dear.

There you go. Just relax.

We’ve got lots to talk about.

Now, we talked before the show, Rob and I,

so you know, and his attorneys were present,

and we all agreed that we would avoid discussing

certain sensitive subjects

and stick only to a list of approved topics.

Correct, Robby?

That’s right, Church Lady.

You know, I-I really-- I appreciate it.

It’s my pleasure. All righty.

After all, you’re my little guest.

My very special guest. Now, let’s see.

You have a-- you have a new movie out.

What is the name of it? Bad Influence.

What a lovely little title.

Well, you know, it’s, uh...

I’m happy with it. I’ve gotten some pretty good reviews.

I play a villain, which is a stretch-- different from me.

And the critics seem to have liked it.

I see. So the critics thought you were believable

in the role of an evil, bad, demonic, Satanic villain from Hell.

How wonderful for you, dear.

Well, it was a different role for me.

I’m sure it was quite a stretch.

Very, very, very, very different.

Just unlike anything we are.

Okay, now, I rented a few of your films this week

to familiarize myself with your body of wo--

Oh, excuse me. I mean career.

Oops! I said "rear"! I’m sorry!

I’m just having trouble sticking to our little agreement.

Well, anyway, I was watching...

Hotel New Hampshire, and I noticed that

you frequently expose your T.N.P.

My T.N.P.? What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Robby, we agreed that I wouldn’t use those words.

I’m just pointing out that, quite often,

your fans in your film

see your young, firm, lily-white B & B.

There it is, big as life,

bobbing U & D, U & D.

T & R, T & R, T & R.

Well, I’m glad we had a chance to talk about your movie.

So what else did we agree to talk about?

Let’s see. Favorite foods. Pets.

Acrylic blend versus cotton. Which do you prefer, Rob?

Oh, cotton, absolutely. It’s very comfortable. It breathes, doesn’t it?

It just breathes, yes.

Well, that covers our list of agreed topics.

I’ve kept my end of the bargain.

Are you ready to keep yours?

Yes, yes, I am.

All righty. Well, well, well.

This is a wonderful piece of equipment.

It’s Honduran mahogany, Robby.

Take a little touch there.

Oh, isn’t that nice?

It was crafted in Spain

by an old man with one tooth in his head.

He was a charming fella. Helen couldn’t believe the price I got.

Are you ready to assume your position, Robby?

Yes, Church Lady, I am.

All righty.

I just need to warm up a little bit.

( powerful whooshing sound )

And one and two and three and four,

and one and two and three and four.

All right, I feel good now.

Here we go, Robby.

( screeching )

( pained ) Thank you, Church Lady.

May I have another?

( screeching ) ( audience whooping )

Thank you, Church Lady. May I have another?

Don’t you ever, ever, ever do that again!

Satan! Satan!

Get out of his buttocks, Satan!

Satan, leave his buttocks! Leave his buttocks, Satan!

Leave his buttocks! Don’t. You. Ever.

Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan, Satan...!

( panting wearily )

( cheers and applause )

Ohh!

I have waited so long for that!

So many sleepless nights. You feel better, Robby?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know I do.

Oh, goodness. Now, in celebration of your new leaf,

you may do the superior dance with me.

Hit it, Pearl!

( funky organ music playing )

This has been...

...with the Church Lady.

A message from Governor Wade Hammond.

In runnin’ for reelection, I’m not offerin’

a lot of fancy promises and fast talk.

All I ask is that the people of this state

look at my record over the past four years.

I’ve been personally responsible

for the executions of 63 criminals in this state.

Death Penalty is my middle name.

Thanks to Wade Hammond, the men in these coffins here

are dead

and in Hell.

That’s right. Hell!

Flesh burnin’ off their bodies,

blow, growin’ back, then burnin’ off again!

Snakes comin’ out their eyes, the whole nine yards.

Yep, I’ve put the death back in death penalty.

These fellers would testify to that if they could.

You fellas comfortable?

Heh heh heh!

Now, that’s what I call cheap housin’!

Ha ha ha ha!

All in favor, lay down!

Ha ha ha ha!

( man reads onscreen text aloud )

It’s all right? It’s all right!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

DON PARDO: And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

You know, I love The Pogues,

but I’ve always been a sucker for lyrics.

Hey, what can I tell you?

( laughter ) You know...

The, uh, the new Chilean president,

Patricio Aylwin, took power this week,

and his first move was to pardon all political prisoners

from the rule of his predecessor, General August Pinochet.

Aylwin is the new civilian president,

but Pinochet will remain chief of

the 60,000-member army of Chile.

( scattered laughs )

Oh, come on. Pinochet. Pinchot.

It’s not the real news.

If you’re comin’ to me for hard data,

you gotta get your life together, Cha-Cha.

( laughter )

Washington mayor Marion Barry

after six weeks of drug rehab treatment

returned to Washington determined to stay in his job.

Through a spokesman, Barry revealed

he has licked his alleged crack dependency

by permanently having his lips epoxied shut.

The mayor’s new reelection slogan is

"No blow. No hookers. Just good government."

While visiting Chile last week,

Vice President Dan Quayle horrified his wife

at a tourist stand when he picked up and purchased

a male Indian doll that, shall we say,

went way beyond being anatomically correct

into the realm of anatomically exaggerated.

Evidently, when one would turn the doll’s head,

its jacket would part

and its huge, exaggerated dollhood

would be exposed.

Here we see the Vice President smiling at the doll.

The, uh... you know...

You know, the doll is older now,

and if you use it more than once a day,

this happens.

MAN: Ouch!

For St. Patrick’s Day,

Ireland’s Prime Minister, Brian Lenihan,

brought President Bush a bowl of Irish shamrocks.

Federal drug agents seized the shamrocks

and announced that their street value

is four times what the president is allowed

to accept in gifts.

Lenihan said he’d take the shamrocks back

and smoke them himself.

You know, I got a Medic Alert badge this week,

and... it says I’m a hypochondriac.

Former U.S.-- ( scattered laughter )

Notice that subtle prop work.

You know, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter

and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak

danced and gazed into each other’s eyes till dawn

earlier this week at a meeting in Cairo.

Just when Hosni thought he was getting somewhere,

Rosalynn showed up and spoiled everything.

Jimmy. What a heartbreaker.

ABC News this week broadcast a new exclusive

blaming the greenhouse effect, the 1929 stock market crash,

and American involvement in Vietnam

on Jim Valvano and the North Carolina State basketball team.

Valvano said, "I had no idea we were in ’Nam."

( cheers and applause )

Yeah.

Cwazy wabbit. This week...

Israel becomes the 21st nation to receive MTV.

It is not known whether they will receive

the bonus service of MTV’s new comedy network,

the Ha! Channel.

( comical screeching )

And it keeps going and goingand goingand...

Get-- get out of here.

Get-- get out of here.

( cultured voice ) You don’t have to yell.

( laughter and applause )

( indistinct shout )

A spokesman for the Japanese--

( comical screeching )

A spokesman for the Japanese government

this week candidly admitted that their alphabet

is silly and actually a bit of a put-on.

The fastest and highest-flying U.S. aircraft,

the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane,

roared into retirement this week with a record-setting

68-minute crossing of the United States.

Unfortunately, the two pilots onboard

then had to wait four and one-half hours

for their luggage at LaGuardia Airport.

Arriving in West Germany, a group of aboriginals

from Australia’s Northern Territory,

clad only in loincloths and painted in clay colors,

carry suitcases presented to them

by the Frankford Ethnology Museum last Thursday.

Nice touch there by the Frankford guys, huh?

Guess this is in case they wanted to carry

a change of genitals with them.

And now, here with the Big Picture

is A. Whitney Brown.

Welcome back, Whit. How are you, buddy?

( cheers and applause )

Well, my friends,

this week Lithuania declared its independence

from the Soviet Union.

Gorbachev responded with a typically ambiguous statement

which basically boiled down to,

"Oh, yeah? You wouldn’t say that if Stalin was around."

So now, instead of being a part of Russia,

the Lithuanians are next door to Russia,

and I’m sure they’re sleeping a lot easier for that.

Puts them basically in the same position as the rest of Eastern Europe,

the good news being that the Soviet Union is falling apart,

the bad news being that Germany is getting back together.

Now, I’m not saying the Germans are bad neighbors, historically speaking.

Let’s just say they get a little restless

every couple of generations.

Believe me, a lot of countries are nervous.

France, for example, offered to surrender last week.

( laughter )

On the other hand,

Lithuania is not exactly getting off scot-free.

They still have to pay $30 billion

for all the Soviet contributions

to the blossoming Baltic culture.

And I doubt the Soviets are worried about paying up.

I mean, when it comes to collection agencies,

you really can’t top the Red Army.

Their attitude is, "Hey, let ’em go. We know where to find ’em."

And of course the Lithuanians are not gonna be able to pay

because they’re broke because they’re Communists.

You know, who would think that the fatal flaw

of Communism would turn out to be

that there’s no money in it.

( laughter )

You know...

the entire Communist world is an economic wasteland.

They have rampant corruption, ethnic dissention,

a disintegrating infrastructure,

and an antiquated industrial base.

You know, all they need is crack,

and they’d be as bad off as the Bronx.

And that, comrades, is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney. Thank you, Dennis.

Whitney Brown. ( applause )

As everybody knows,

this is Lambada week here in the United States.

There’s been a rash of Lambada movies across the country,

including Lambada. They call this one the original.

And then there’s this one, The Forbidden Dance.

There’s another one called simply Lambatomy.

Our favorite here at Weekend Update

is Lambada Das Boot,

the story of the dancin’est U-boat

in the whole German army.

You know, animal rights activists

are now pretending to spit on people

who wear fake fur.

( laughter )

The Iditarod, the grueling 1200-mile

dogsled race across Alaska

was won by another woman this year.

Rosie Ruiz won with the amazing time of one hour and ten minutes.

According to Dr. Jeanne Linden,

director of the blood and tissue resources

for the State Department of New York,

sperm for purposes of artificial insemination

is now going for $250 a vial.

But you should remember, you get your $5 back

if you return the vial.

And the department also warned of the inflow

of high-powered Colombian sperm

that’s coming in through the Florida area

and cautioned that the sperm is being cut with Maalox.

The New Kids on the Block met this week with Menudo

at a Paris summit meeting.

A spokesman said talks were constructive and fruitful.

And Tom Cruise was charged with speeding this week

in North Carolina, where he’s shooting a new film.

At the hearing, Cruise called on a character witness,

fellow actor Dustin Hoffman, who assured the judge...

( imitating "Rain Man" ) "He’s an excellent driver.

He’s an excellent, excellent driver."

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here!

( music playing ) ( cheers and applause )

( man reads onscreen text aloud )

Governor Hammond’s been doin’ a lot of talk lately

about the death penalty.

Now, it’s all well and good to kill a man,

but a real governor knows how to make ’im suffer before he goes!

I’m Jack Harbaugh.

I’ve got solutions, and I’m lookin’ for more.

Did you know there are over 36 miles of nerves in the human body?

That’s a vast resource of pain we’ve barely tapped into.

But Governor Hammond sees nothin’ wrong

with lettin’ our criminal drift painlessly into sleep

on that big ol’ cushy electric chair.

Might as well give ’em a manicure and a massage while they’re at it!

Fact: There’s a way to surgically tie a man’s intestines

so that waste will build up in his blood

and make him stark, raving mad with pain.

Fact: A man can live longer than several hours

with only 10% of his skin!

Wake up, Governor!

If I’m elected, I’ll put more money

into research and development

so that we can meet these challenges

and remain competitive and with states like Florida

and... well, Florida.

This election, vote for progress.

Vote Harbaugh.

Why, we’re just two years away

from being able to remove a man’s hips

with a ceiling fan.

Let’s not blow it!

( prison doors clang shut )

( man reads onscreen text aloud )

( funky music playing )

MAN: From Gower Studios, on the southwest corner

of Gower and Hollywood,

it’s time for The Arsenio Beckman Show

starring Arsenio Beckman!

Tonight, Arsenio’s guests are,

fromThe Exorcist, actress Linda Blair,

and Heart Vinyl recording artists Kool Ice Kold Soda!

And now, let’s bang a gong.

Come on, everybody, shake that groove thing

for your party maestro,

Arseniooooooo....

Beckman!

( all whooping )

Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Yee!

Yippee! Yippee! Yippee! Yee!

( wild whooping and cheering )

I’ll tell ya’-- I’ll tell ya’, man,

that’s better than doin’ the wild thing.

( cheers and applause )

That’s my gang over there! That’s my gang over there!

( wild whooping and cheering )

Man, you know...

I would tell-- there is some wildstuff

goin’ on out there.

( wild whooping and cheering )

Did you hear what-- what happened

o-on the news today?

( wild whooping and cheering )

I mean... that was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was crazy, the news.

( wild whooping and cheering )

You know what? You know what else?

How ’bout the way--?

( wild whooping and cheering )

How ’bout the way people dance?

You know, some people, they dance like this.

( wild whooping and cheering )

These people know what I’m talking about!

Whoo coo-coo! Whoo coo-coo!

Whoo coo-coo! Whoo coo-coo!

Oh, that’s right! That’s right!

Stand up. Give it up. Yeah.

Okay, okay.

These people know what I’m talkin’ about.

Stand up. Come on. Give it up.

( wild whooping )

( wild whooping )

Yeah, yeah.

The people at home are sayin’...

( uptight voice ) "What the hell’s this?"

Man.

Did you see. What was on.

The front page. Of The Enquirer.

Today? MAN: Uh-oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooohhhh! Susan.

Susan, can we put that thing? That thing?

Can we put up that thing? ( wild whooping and laughter )

That is so weird.

Whoo! Now, we’ve got a most wonderful show--

a sexy, sexy lady,

Linda Blair.

( whooping and applause )

And some guys that I know.

I been talkin’ to ’em backstage,

and I know you know who they are

’cause I been talkin’ to ’em backstage.

Let’s give it up for Kool Ice Kold Soda!

( wild whooping and cheering )

All right! We’ve got a good one goin’,

so let’s get rowin’!

( funky music playing )

Now...

( music ends )

Before I get started, I’ve got to take care of some business now.

I am not trying in any way

to take anything away from Arsenio Hall.

You know, I mean, Arsenio,

hey, he’s the best, and he set the standard.

He... he, uh... he showed the way.

But I can’t be Arsenio Hall.

I can only be Arsenio Beckman,

and besides, I’ve got my own party goin’!

( wild whooping and cheering )

Yeah. Okay.

That’s serious. Okay, okay,

we’re gonna bring her out now.

Won’t you please, please--

I’m gettin’ a little excited here.

( laughter and whooping )

But not thata little--!

( whooping and laughter )

( wild whooping and laughter )

No, no, no, no. Okay, okay.

She’s a sexy, sexy lady.

Let’s clean it out...

for Linda.

Blair.

( funky "Exorcist" music playing )

Ahhh.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. Linda.

Linda Blair.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

You did... a movie...

The Exorcist.

Great film. Great motion picture.

Now, what... what...

what was it like to be possessed?

I don’t know. Why don’t you possess me and find out?

( wild whooping and cheering )

Oh, man. No, no.

No, no, now-- now--

I like your outfit, but I’ve got to say one thing.

It doesn’t look too comfortable there.

( wild whooping and cheering )

I-I’d probably be more comfortable on the floor.

( wild whooping and cheering )

Well, then, that’s just fine.

I’ll just lay like this. How ’bout this?

( wild whooping and cheering )

( wild whooping and cheering )

Now-- now, I heard...

somewhere...

somebody was sayin’ somethin’

about you doin’ a film with somebody or somethin’.

What’s that all about?

Well, I just did a film that’s coming out.

It’s called Revenge of the Nerds IV.

Yeah, yeah. Nerds. Yeah.

You know, ’cause that’s what I been talkin’ about

is, you know, nerds, and the way people dance.

You know, some people, you know, they dance like this.

( wild whooping and cheering )

You know? You know what I’m sayin’?

And other people, they go like this!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Hooka! Hooka! Hooka! Hoo!

Hooka! Hooka! Hooka! Hoo!

( funky music playing )

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

MAN: Don’t leave your seat. We’ll be right back with more

Arseniooooooo....

Beckman!

( funky music ends )

...by Citizens for Better Government.

Governor Hammond would have you believe

that he’s personally responsible

of the execution of 63 criminals.

Well, I beg to differ.

You see, I actually pulled the switch,

which means the credit and the governorship

should go to me.

That’s right, I been there.

So eliminate the middle man and vote for me.

Pull the lever for the fellow that pulled the lever,

Randy X!

Oh, I also have a plan for refinancing the state pension fund,

saving the marshlands,

and I hope to be known as the education governor.

But the main thing is, I kill people!

Thank you.

( man reads onscreen text aloud )

( catchy martial music playing )

VOCALISTS: * He’s got a helmet stuck on his head *

* It happened during the war *

* He can’t get it off *

*No, he can’t get it off *

* And now he’s really sore *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

MAN: Helmet Head, brought to you by...

Box O’Cat.

Box O’Cat comes in three varieties--

Box O’Cat,

Box O’Cats,

and All Toms.

And by Globetrotter Caviar,

the world’s cheapest caviar.

Once you try Globetrotter, you’ll say...

And by Krueger Helmets.

Easy on. Easy off. That’s Krueger.

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

Honey, the Wheelers will be here soon.

Oh, honey, did you really have to invite them?

But they’re nice.

I have a feeling tonight will be different.

( doorbell rings )

Hi! Hi!

How are ya’? We’re good.

Jerry, Wendy, I’d like you to meet my husband, Don.

Hi, Don. I love the helmet.

You playin’ with the kids or somethin ’?

Um, well, Jerry, um...

during the war, my husband put on a helmet that was too small

and it got stuck.

Geez, I’m sorry to hear that.

Yeah, have you tried soapy water?

Sometimes that’s supposed to help.

Soapy water?

Have I tried soapy water?

Soapy water was the first thing I tried!

And then it was the tenth thing I tried!

Then it was the hundredth thing I tried!

Soapy water! Soapy water!

Maybe we’d better go.

I’m sorry. It’s okay.

Bye. I’m sorry.

Honey... Soapy water!

Honey, I heard about a specialist,

and I think maybe he can help you.

No.

No more specialists.

First there was that guy with dynamite,

and then there was that guy with the suction cups

and the crowbar.

And then there was the swami.

I don’t know what the hell he thought hewas doing!

But this one’s different.

You have to go to him. I knowit would help.

( catchy martial music playing )

Trust me, this will be a very simple helmetectomy.

The process is based on pure thermodynamics.

Now, first we cool your body down

by placing your feet in these cubes of ice.

Now, you’re sure this is gonna be okay?

It’ll be just fine.

Go ahead. Don’t be afraid.

Ah! ( hisses )

Ooh. All right.

Now, once your body is cooled down,

we heat up the helmet with this welder’s torch.

The helmet should come right off.

I don’t know, Doc.

( screaming )

Sorry.

Sorry.

Maybe try soapy water.

( catchy martial music playing )

Great! Now it’s soldered on!

D’uuhhhh!

*Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

Hello, I’m Alexander Johnson

of Alexander’s Fur World,

and we’re having our year-end

Better Off Dead sale.

Furs, furs, furs.

Choose from hundreds of full-length minks.

Every one of these animals

was raised in the lap of luxury,

and I’m sorry to say committed suicide

due to personal problems.

And that’s not all.

We have a fabulous collection

of evil, murdering, vicious coyote,

every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer,

convicted by a jury of environmentalists

and executed under humane conditions.

Believe me, they’re better off dead.

Also, view our selection of retarded beavers.

These poor animals were unable to cope

with the complex demands of beaver society

and had to be put out of their misery.

We have rogue possums, rabid foxes,

and a limited number of filthy,

destructive raccoons we found dead

by the side of the road.

So come with a clear conscience and remember,

they’re animals, for crying out loud.

That’s what they’re for.

We’re back.

I’d like to thank you, the audience.

I’d like to thank The Pogues.

Somebody get this guy outta here!

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you all very much.

I had a great time. I’m havin’ a great year.

Thank you very, very much.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day...!

Yay! Whoo!

*