All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E15.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

DON PARDO:
From the White House,

the President of
the United States.

Good evening.

You know,
a few months ago,

we all witnessed
the Revolution of ’89--

the fall of that Berlin Wall,

doing that
falling thing down there,

democracy across
Eastern Europe.

Now-- now, there were
those at that juncture

who said
we won the Cold War,

time to gloat.

But I said no, gloating
wouldn’t be prudent.

Not gonna gloat.

Not ga’ glo’.

Just look at the dividends
not gloating has paid--

the Soviets free market
system adopted.

Nicaragua, Mr. Ortega
gone-- he’s gone!

Replaced by Mrs. Chamorro,

wife of slain national
hero down there,

widow woman,
not unattractive.

Available.

( comical chuckle )

Lithuania
independent over there,

and all because
I didn’t gloat.

Could gloat now.

Easily justified.

Eighty percent
approval rating.

It’s good, it’s good.

Most popular person ever.

But don’t want
to rest on our laurels.

Work to do.

Lots of work to da’.

These new democracies,
like a newborn baby,

needin’ constant care,
but it’s worth it,

watchin’ ’em grow,

takin’ those first
steps toward freedom,

tellin’ your friends about
the cute little things they did.

( comical chuckle )

Sure, there’s problems
for these infant democracies--

the soiled diapers
of inherited economic problems,

the drool of crippling debt,

the smelly split-up...

of rigged elections.
Two minutes, Rob.

Oh. Oh, thanks, Joey.

Rob, you wanted
to see me?

Yeah, Lorne, look,
I’m sorry. I know
it’s the last minute,

but I’ve just got this
weird, scary feeling.

What about?

Well, you know,
this is the first time

I’ve been in front of
an audience since...

you know... the thing.

Wh-what thing?

Well, you know,
the tape... thing.

And I just, you know--

what if I go out there
and people resent me?

Because of the tape?

Would they even
remember it?

Well, yeah, you know?
I think they might.

( knock on door )
You BUSY?

No, come on in,
Kevin, Vic.

Rob’s a little concerned
that the audience

might be thinking about
that tape incident in Atlanta.

Really?

Well, yeah, you know,
maybe think that I’m
some sort of,

I don’t know ,
sleaze or lowlife.

Wait a minute.

You’re worried that
Mr. Joe Average American
is thinking about that?

I promise you,
if they ever heard
of the tape,

they forgot about it
a long time ago.

Nobody cares.
Nobody cares!

Really?

Y-you really think so?

People are watching
the show tonight

wondering what
we’re gonna do with
St. Elmo’s Fire

or Oxford Blues.

They’re not tuning in
to see us comment

on your personal sex life.

You know, that’s
none of their business,
and they know it.

I think he’s right, Rob.

Vic, you’ve been
pretty quiet.

What do you think?
Is the tape thing a problem?

Well, I think
it helps you.

I mean... I mean,
if enough people
know about it.

Well, no, wait--
so, in other words,

I go out there,
and that audience

isn’t gonna treat me
like I’m some kind of jerk?

Why should they?
You’re Rob Lowe!

( soft chuckle )

You’re right!
So you feel
a little better?

Yeah, yeah.
And you know what?

I feel a little foolish
for even worrying.

You know, in fact,
I’m psyched!

All right!

...the chicken pox,

the ear infection
of civil war.

So, to sum up,
gloating too soon.

Maybe later.

Mrs. Chamorro,
available.

Drool worth it.

Dan Quayle,
gaining acceptance
at a faster rate.

Ortega gone,

but still,
live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

DON PARDO:
It’sSaturday Night Live...

...with Dana Carvey,

Nora Dunn,

Phil Hartman,

Jan Hooks,

Victoria Jackson,

Jon Lovitz,

Dennis Miller,

Mike Myers,

and Kevin Nealon,

and featuring
A. Whitney Brown,

G.E. Smith and the Saturday
Night Live Band,

musical guest The Pogues...

and starring...

Rob Lowe!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Rob Lowe!

( sparse applause )

( audience titters )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it’s great
to be here

hosting
Saturday Night Live!

( no applause )
( audience titters )

MAN: You got a lot of nerve!
I have a daughter!

( laughter )

No, actually, I’m glad
that this has come up.

I... ( sighs )

The incident to which
the gentlemen is referring

is-- is an unfortunate
situation,

and I regret it.

It’s been, um,
very difficult for me,

but I’ve learned something--

that through
experiences like this,

you can really
find out the value

and the loyalty
of your friends,

and I’ve found out that
I do have a lot of friends.

MAN: We’re not
your friends.

I’ve got a daughter!

( laughter )

( laughter )

Well...

We’ve got a great
show tonight.

Our musical guests,
all the way from Ireland,

we’ve got The Pogues!

( scattered whoops )

Oh, now, come on!
Don’t hold it against them.

They didn’t do anything.

I mean, they don’t
even know me!

Oh, come on!

I mean,
it’s St. Patrick’s Day!

( silence )

Well, anyway,
we’ll be right back.

Hey, Rob,
why don’t you--
Jon.

Why don’t you
just go change
for the next sketch.

I’ll handle this.
All right.
Guess you’re right.

Yeah, go on.

Okay, The Pogues
are here! Hey!

( cheers and applause )

We’ll be right back.

* O St. Patty’s Day
is here *

* There’s whiskey
in the jar *

* So let us drink
to Ireland *

* Till we’re facedown
on the bar *

* For I’m a son
of the Irish *

* And I like
my whiskey neat *

* I learned to drink
at mother’s knee *

* And threw up
on her feet *

MAN: Faith and begorrah!

There’s nobody
quite like the Irish,

and there’s nothing
like this collection

of traditional Irish
drinking songs

to make your St. Patrick’s Day
festivities complete.

* O the Germans are
the best at war *

* The French
at their cuisine *

* But nobody else gets
drunker than the Irish *

* I’ll thank ye, sir,
for pourin’ me *

* Another glass of grog *

* But I think I’ve had
enough to drink *

* I’ve thrown up on the dog *

* With whiskey
rum rye riddle *

* With a whiskey
riddle rum rye *

* Rye and whiskey,
Too Ra Loo *

* I’ve thrown up
on your shirt *

( comical growl )

* I’ve only time
for one more drink *

* It seems
my wife has died *

You don’t have to be Irish

to enjoy this
St. Patrick’s Day collection.

And speaking of not
being Irish,

you’ll get this
novelty classic.

* They picked me face up
off the floor *

* And said,
"Now, who be you?" *

* I’m Riley O’ Malley
O’ Schoenberg *

* The drunken Irish Jew! *

( good-natured laughter )

* O my father is drunk
and my uncle is drunk *

* And my brother is drunk
and my cousin is drunk *

* And my mother is drunk
and the baby is drunk *

* And the ones that
aren’t drinkin’ are dead! *

MAN: And the enduring
favorite,

The Incoherent Song!

( all singing incoherently )

You’ll get...

...and of course
the Irish Crying Song!

( "O Danny Boy"
melody plays )

( all crying and blubbering )

And the timeless
Drinking/Fighting Song!

* O we’ll drink and drink
and drink and drink *

* And drink and drink
and drink *

* Then we’ll fight and fight
and fight and fight *

* And fight and fight
and fight *

* O we’ll drink and drink
and drink and drink *

* And drink and drink
and drink *

To order your copy
ofIrish Drinking Songs,

call 1-800-FLOTHERED.

Specify tape, album,
or compact disc.

Oh, you’ll be wantin’
the compact disc.

You can’t fall down
and break it!

* And drink and drink *

* And drink
and drink and drink *

* Then we’ll fight and fight
and fight and fight... *

MAN: And now it’s time
forChurch Chat.

Hello, I’m
the Church Lady,

and this is Church Chat.

Well...
( cheers and applause )

Well, well, well,
happy St. Patrick’s
Day to you all.

St. Patrick’s Day.
Let’s think about that.

What is it really?

A harmless Irish tradition,

or a chance for
people to fornicate

like drunken little
beastmasters?

But we don’t have time
to talk about

that delicious subject

because I have a very
special guest.

For almost two years,
this young man

has been
a knot in my corset

and a hair
in my Cream o’ Wheat.

So will you please
welcome Rob Lowe!

Well. Rob Lowe
in the flesh. I could...

reach out and touch you,
but I’m not gonna do that.

Well, welcome
to the show, Rob.

Thank you, Church Lady.
It’s good to be here.

I guess it is.
Just settle down, dear.

There you go.
Just relax.

We’ve got lots
to talk about.

Now, we talked
before the show,
Rob and I,

so you know,
and his attorneys
were present,

and we all agreed that
we would avoid discussing

certain sensitive subjects

and stick only to a list
of approved topics.

Correct, Robby?

That’s right, Church Lady.

You know, I-I really--
I appreciate it.

It’s my pleasure.
All righty.

After all,
you’re my little guest.

My very special guest.
Now, let’s see.

You have a--
you have a new movie out.

What is the name of it?
Bad Influence.

What a lovely little title.

Well, you know,
it’s, uh...

I’m happy with it.
I’ve gotten some
pretty good reviews.

I play a villain,
which is a stretch--
different from me.

And the critics seem
to have liked it.

I see. So the critics
thought you were
believable

in the role of an evil,
bad, demonic, Satanic
villain from Hell.

How wonderful
for you, dear.

Well, it was
a different role for me.

I’m sure it was
quite a stretch.

Very, very, very,
very different.

Just unlike
anything we are.

Okay, now, I rented
a few of your films
this week

to familiarize myself
with your body of wo--

Oh, excuse me.
I mean career.

Oops! I said "rear"!
I’m sorry!

I’m just having trouble
sticking to our
little agreement.

Well, anyway,
I was watching...

Hotel New Hampshire,
and I noticed that

you frequently expose
your T.N.P.

My T.N.P.? What
are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Robby,
we agreed that I
wouldn’t use those words.

I’m just pointing out
that, quite often,

your fans in your film

see your young, firm,
lily-white B & B.

There it is, big as life,

bobbing U & D, U & D.

T & R, T & R, T & R.

Well, I’m glad
we had a chance to
talk about your movie.

So what else did
we agree to talk about?

Let’s see.
Favorite foods. Pets.

Acrylic blend versus cotton.
Which do you prefer, Rob?

Oh, cotton, absolutely.
It’s very comfortable.
It breathes, doesn’t it?

It just breathes, yes.

Well, that covers our
list of agreed topics.

I’ve kept
my end of the bargain.

Are you ready to keep yours?

Yes, yes, I am.

All righty.
Well, well, well.

This is a wonderful
piece of equipment.

It’s Honduran mahogany,
Robby.

Take a little touch there.

Oh, isn’t that nice?

It was crafted in Spain

by an old man with
one tooth in his head.

He was a charming fella.
Helen couldn’t believe
the price I got.

Are you ready to assume
your position, Robby?

Yes, Church Lady, I am.

All righty.

I just need to
warm up a little bit.

( powerful
whooshing sound )

And one and two
and three and four,

and one and two
and three and four.

All right,
I feel good now.

Here we go, Robby.

( screeching )

( pained )
Thank you, Church Lady.

May I have another?

( screeching )
( audience whooping )

Thank you, Church Lady.
May I have another?

Don’t you ever, ever,
ever do that again!

Satan! Satan!

Get out of his buttocks,
Satan!

Satan, leave his buttocks!
Leave his buttocks, Satan!

Leave his buttocks!
Don’t. You. Ever.

Satan, Satan, Satan,
Satan, Satan, Satan,
Satan, Satan, Satan...!

( panting wearily )

( cheers and applause )

Ohh!

I have waited
so long for that!

So many sleepless nights.
You feel better, Robby?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I know I do.

Oh, goodness.
Now, in celebration
of your new leaf,

you may do the superior
dance with me.

Hit it, Pearl!

( funky organ music playing )

This has been...

...with the Church Lady.

A message from
Governor Wade Hammond.

In runnin’ for reelection,
I’m not offerin’

a lot of fancy promises
and fast talk.

All I ask is that
the people of this state

look at my record
over the past four years.

I’ve been personally
responsible

for the executions
of 63 criminals in this state.

Death Penalty
is my middle name.

Thanks to Wade Hammond,
the men in these coffins here

are dead

and in Hell.

That’s right. Hell!

Flesh burnin’
off their bodies,

blow, growin’ back,
then burnin’ off again!

Snakes comin’ out their eyes,
the whole nine yards.

Yep, I’ve put the death
back in death penalty.

These fellers would testify
to that if they could.

You fellas comfortable?

Heh heh heh!

Now, that’s what I call
cheap housin’!

Ha ha ha ha!

All in favor, lay down!

Ha ha ha ha!

( man reads
onscreen text aloud )

It’s all right?
It’s all right!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

DON PARDO: And now,
Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

You know,
I love The Pogues,

but I’ve always been
a sucker for lyrics.

Hey, what can I tell you?

( laughter )
You know...

The, uh, the new
Chilean president,

Patricio Aylwin,
took power this week,

and his first move
was to pardon all
political prisoners

from the rule of
his predecessor,
General August Pinochet.

Aylwin is the new
civilian president,

but Pinochet will
remain chief of

the 60,000-member
army of Chile.

( scattered laughs )

Oh, come on.
Pinochet. Pinchot.

It’s not the real news.

If you’re comin’
to me for hard data,

you gotta get your life
together, Cha-Cha.

( laughter )

Washington mayor
Marion Barry

after six weeks
of drug rehab treatment

returned to Washington
determined to stay in his job.

Through a spokesman,
Barry revealed

he has licked his alleged
crack dependency

by permanently having
his lips epoxied shut.

The mayor’s new reelection
slogan is

"No blow. No hookers.
Just good government."

While visiting Chile
last week,

Vice President Dan Quayle
horrified his wife

at a tourist stand when
he picked up and purchased

a male Indian doll that,
shall we say,

went way beyond being
anatomically correct

into the realm of
anatomically exaggerated.

Evidently, when one
would turn the doll’s head,

its jacket would part

and its huge,
exaggerated dollhood

would be exposed.

Here we see the Vice President
smiling at the doll.

The, uh... you know...

You know, the doll
is older now,

and if you use it
more than once a day,

this happens.

MAN: Ouch!

For St. Patrick’s Day,

Ireland’s Prime Minister,
Brian Lenihan,

brought President Bush
a bowl of Irish shamrocks.

Federal drug agents
seized the shamrocks

and announced that
their street value

is four times what
the president is allowed

to accept in gifts.

Lenihan said he’d take
the shamrocks back

and smoke them himself.

You know, I got
a Medic Alert badge this week,

and... it says
I’m a hypochondriac.

Former U.S.--
( scattered laughter )

Notice that subtle
prop work.

You know, former
U.S. President Jimmy Carter

and Egyptian President
Hosni Mubarak

danced and gazed into
each other’s eyes till dawn

earlier this week
at a meeting in Cairo.

Just when Hosni thought
he was getting somewhere,

Rosalynn showed up
and spoiled everything.

Jimmy. What a heartbreaker.

ABC News this week
broadcast a new exclusive

blaming the greenhouse effect,
the 1929 stock market crash,

and American
involvement in Vietnam

on Jim Valvano
and the North Carolina
State basketball team.

Valvano said, "I had
no idea we were in ’Nam."

( cheers and applause )

Yeah.

Cwazy wabbit. This week...

Israel becomes
the 21st nation
to receive MTV.

It is not known
whether they will receive

the bonus service
of MTV’s new comedy network,

the Ha! Channel.

( comical screeching )

And it keeps going
and goingand goingand...

Get-- get out of here.

Get-- get out of here.

( cultured voice )
You don’t have to yell.

( laughter and applause )

( indistinct shout )

A spokesman
for the Japanese--

( comical screeching )

A spokesman for
the Japanese government

this week candidly admitted
that their alphabet

is silly and actually
a bit of a put-on.

The fastest and highest-flying
U.S. aircraft,

the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane,

roared into retirement this
week with a record-setting

68-minute crossing
of the United States.

Unfortunately,
the two pilots onboard

then had to wait four
and one-half hours

for their luggage
at LaGuardia Airport.

Arriving in West Germany,
a group of aboriginals

from Australia’s
Northern Territory,

clad only in loincloths
and painted in clay colors,

carry suitcases
presented to them

by the Frankford Ethnology
Museum last Thursday.

Nice touch there
by the Frankford guys, huh?

Guess this is in case
they wanted to carry

a change of genitals
with them.

And now, here with
the Big Picture

is A. Whitney Brown.

Welcome back, Whit.
How are you, buddy?

( cheers and applause )

Well, my friends,

this week Lithuania
declared its independence

from the Soviet Union.

Gorbachev responded with
a typically ambiguous statement

which basically
boiled down to,

"Oh, yeah? You wouldn’t
say that if Stalin was around."

So now, instead of
being a part of Russia,

the Lithuanians are
next door to Russia,

and I’m sure they’re sleeping
a lot easier for that.

Puts them basically
in the same position as
the rest of Eastern Europe,

the good news being
that the Soviet Union
is falling apart,

the bad news
being that Germany is
getting back together.

Now, I’m not saying
the Germans are bad neighbors,
historically speaking.

Let’s just say they get
a little restless

every couple of generations.

Believe me, a lot of
countries are nervous.

France, for example,
offered to surrender
last week.

( laughter )

On the other hand,

Lithuania is not exactly
getting off scot-free.

They still have to pay
$30 billion

for all
the Soviet contributions

to the blossoming
Baltic culture.

And I doubt the Soviets
are worried about paying up.

I mean, when it comes
to collection agencies,

you really can’t top
the Red Army.

Their attitude is,
"Hey, let ’em go.
We know where to find ’em."

And of course the Lithuanians
are not gonna be able to pay

because they’re broke
because they’re Communists.

You know, who would think
that the fatal flaw

of Communism would
turn out to be

that there’s no money in it.

( laughter )

You know...

the entire Communist world
is an economic wasteland.

They have rampant corruption,
ethnic dissention,

a disintegrating
infrastructure,

and an antiquated
industrial base.

You know, all
they need is crack,

and they’d be as
bad off as the Bronx.

And that, comrades,
is the Big Picture.

Thank you, Whitney.
Thank you, Dennis.

Whitney Brown.
( applause )

As everybody knows,

this is Lambada week
here in the United States.

There’s been a rash
of Lambada movies
across the country,

including Lambada.
They call this one
the original.

And then there’s this one,
The Forbidden Dance.

There’s another one
called simply Lambatomy.

Our favorite here
at Weekend Update

is Lambada Das Boot,

the story of
the dancin’est U-boat

in the whole German army.

You know,
animal rights activists

are now pretending
to spit on people

who wear fake fur.

( laughter )

The Iditarod,
the grueling 1200-mile

dogsled race across Alaska

was won by
another woman this year.

Rosie Ruiz won with
the amazing time of
one hour and ten minutes.

According to
Dr. Jeanne Linden,

director of the blood
and tissue resources

for the State Department
of New York,

sperm for purposes
of artificial insemination

is now going for $250 a vial.

But you should remember,
you get your $5 back

if you return the vial.

And the department
also warned of the inflow

of high-powered
Colombian sperm

that’s coming in
through the Florida area

and cautioned that the sperm
is being cut with Maalox.

The New Kids on the Block
met this week with Menudo

at a Paris summit meeting.

A spokesman said talks
were constructive and fruitful.

And Tom Cruise was charged
with speeding this week

in North Carolina,
where he’s shooting a new film.

At the hearing,
Cruise called on
a character witness,

fellow actor Dustin Hoffman,
who assured the judge...

( imitating "Rain Man" )
"He’s an excellent driver.

He’s an excellent,
excellent driver."

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here!

( music playing )
( cheers and applause )

( man reads
onscreen text aloud )

Governor Hammond’s been
doin’ a lot of talk lately

about the death penalty.

Now, it’s all well and good
to kill a man,

but a real governor knows
how to make ’im suffer
before he goes!

I’m Jack Harbaugh.

I’ve got solutions,
and I’m lookin’ for more.

Did you know there are
over 36 miles of nerves
in the human body?

That’s a vast resource of pain
we’ve barely tapped into.

But Governor Hammond
sees nothin’ wrong

with lettin’ our criminal
drift painlessly into sleep

on that big ol’
cushy electric chair.

Might as well give ’em
a manicure and a massage
while they’re at it!

Fact: There’s a way
to surgically tie
a man’s intestines

so that waste will
build up in his blood

and make him stark,
raving mad with pain.

Fact: A man can live
longer than several hours

with only 10% of his skin!

Wake up, Governor!

If I’m elected,
I’ll put more money

into research and development

so that we can meet
these challenges

and remain competitive
and with states like Florida

and... well, Florida.

This election,
vote for progress.

Vote Harbaugh.

Why, we’re
just two years away

from being able
to remove a man’s hips

with a ceiling fan.

Let’s not blow it!

( prison doors
clang shut )

( man reads onscreen
text aloud )

( funky music playing )

MAN: From Gower Studios,
on the southwest corner

of Gower and Hollywood,

it’s time for
The Arsenio Beckman Show

starring Arsenio Beckman!

Tonight,
Arsenio’s guests are,

fromThe Exorcist,
actress Linda Blair,

and Heart Vinyl
recording artists
Kool Ice Kold Soda!

And now,
let’s bang a gong.

Come on, everybody,
shake that groove thing

for your party maestro,

Arseniooooooo....

Beckman!

( all whooping )

Yippee! Yippee!
Yippee! Yee!

Yippee! Yippee!
Yippee! Yee!

( wild whooping
and cheering )

I’ll tell ya’--
I’ll tell ya’, man,

that’s better than
doin’ the wild thing.

( cheers and applause )

That’s my gang over there!
That’s my gang over there!

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Man, you know...

I would tell--
there is some wildstuff

goin’ on out there.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Did you hear what--
what happened

o-on the news today?

( wild whooping
and cheering )

I mean... that was...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was crazy, the news.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

You know what?
You know what else?

How ’bout the way--?

( wild whooping
and cheering )

How ’bout the way
people dance?

You know, some people,
they dance like this.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

These people know
what I’m talking about!

Whoo coo-coo!
Whoo coo-coo!

Whoo coo-coo!
Whoo coo-coo!

Oh, that’s right!
That’s right!

Stand up. Give it up.
Yeah.

Okay, okay.

These people know
what I’m talkin’ about.

Stand up. Come on.
Give it up.

( wild whooping )

( wild whooping )

Yeah, yeah.

The people at home
are sayin’...

( uptight voice )
"What the hell’s this?"

Man.

Did you see.
What was on.

The front page.
Of The Enquirer.

Today?
MAN: Uh-oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooohhhh!
Susan.

Susan, can we put
that thing? That thing?

Can we put up that thing?
( wild whooping and laughter )

That is so weird.

Whoo! Now, we’ve got
a most wonderful show--

a sexy, sexy lady,

Linda Blair.

( whooping and applause )

And some guys that I know.

I been talkin’
to ’em backstage,

and I know you know
who they are

’cause I been talkin’
to ’em backstage.

Let’s give it up
for Kool Ice Kold Soda!

( wild whooping
and cheering )

All right!
We’ve got a good one goin’,

so let’s get rowin’!

( funky music playing )

Now...

( music ends )

Before I get started,
I’ve got to take care
of some business now.

I am not trying
in any way

to take anything away
from Arsenio Hall.

You know, I mean,
Arsenio,

hey, he’s the best,
and he set the standard.

He... he, uh...
he showed the way.

But I can’t be
Arsenio Hall.

I can only be
Arsenio Beckman,

and besides, I’ve got
my own party goin’!

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Yeah. Okay.

That’s serious.
Okay, okay,

we’re gonna
bring her out now.

Won’t you please, please--

I’m gettin’
a little excited here.

( laughter and whooping )

But not thata little--!

( whooping and laughter )

( wild whooping
and laughter )

No, no, no, no.
Okay, okay.

She’s a sexy, sexy lady.

Let’s clean it out...

for Linda.

Blair.

( funky "Exorcist"
music playing )

Ahhh.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. Linda.

Linda Blair.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

You did... a movie...

The Exorcist.

Great film.
Great motion picture.

Now, what... what...

what was it like
to be possessed?

I don’t know. Why
don’t you possess me
and find out?

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Oh, man. No, no.

No, no, now-- now--

I like your outfit,
but I’ve got to say
one thing.

It doesn’t look
too comfortable there.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

I-I’d probably be
more comfortable
on the floor.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Well, then,
that’s just fine.

I’ll just lay like this.
How ’bout this?

( wild whooping
and cheering )

( wild whooping
and cheering )

Now-- now, I heard...

somewhere...

somebody
was sayin’ somethin’

about you doin’
a film with somebody
or somethin’.

What’s that all about?

Well, I just did
a film that’s coming out.

It’s called
Revenge of the Nerds IV.

Yeah, yeah. Nerds. Yeah.

You know, ’cause that’s
what I been talkin’ about

is, you know, nerds,
and the way people dance.

You know, some people,
you know, they dance
like this.

( wild whooping
and cheering )

You know?
You know what I’m sayin’?

And other people,
they go like this!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Hooka! Hooka! Hooka! Hoo!

Hooka! Hooka! Hooka! Hoo!

( funky music playing )

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

MAN: Don’t leave your seat.
We’ll be right back with more

Arseniooooooo....

Beckman!

( funky music ends )

...by Citizens
for Better Government.

Governor Hammond
would have you believe

that he’s personally
responsible

of the execution
of 63 criminals.

Well, I beg to differ.

You see, I actually
pulled the switch,

which means the credit
and the governorship

should go to me.

That’s right, I been there.

So eliminate the middle man
and vote for me.

Pull the lever for the fellow
that pulled the lever,

Randy X!

Oh, I also have
a plan for refinancing
the state pension fund,

saving the marshlands,

and I hope to be known
as the education governor.

But the main thing is,
I kill people!

Thank you.

( man reads
onscreen text aloud )

( catchy
martial music playing )

VOCALISTS:
* He’s got a helmet
stuck on his head *

* It happened
during the war *

* He can’t
get it off *

*No, he can’t
get it off *

* And now he’s really sore *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

MAN: Helmet Head,
brought to you by...

Box O’Cat.

Box O’Cat comes
in three varieties--

Box O’Cat,

Box O’Cats,

and All Toms.

And by Globetrotter Caviar,

the world’s
cheapest caviar.

Once you try Globetrotter,
you’ll say...

And by Krueger Helmets.

Easy on. Easy off.
That’s Krueger.

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

Honey, the Wheelers
will be here soon.

Oh, honey, did you
really have to invite them?

But they’re nice.

I have a feeling
tonight will be
different.

( doorbell rings )

Hi!
Hi!

How are ya’?
We’re good.

Jerry, Wendy, I’d like
you to meet my husband, Don.

Hi, Don.
I love the helmet.

You playin’ with
the kids or somethin ’?

Um, well, Jerry, um...

during the war,
my husband put on
a helmet that was too small

and it got stuck.

Geez, I’m sorry
to hear that.

Yeah, have you tried
soapy water?

Sometimes that’s
supposed to help.

Soapy water?

Have I tried
soapy water?

Soapy water was
the first thing
I tried!

And then it was
the tenth thing
I tried!

Then it was
the hundredth
thing I tried!

Soapy water!
Soapy water!

Maybe we’d better go.

I’m sorry.
It’s okay.

Bye. I’m sorry.

Honey...
Soapy water!

Honey, I heard
about a specialist,

and I think maybe
he can help you.

No.

No more specialists.

First there was that
guy with dynamite,

and then there
was that guy with
the suction cups

and the crowbar.

And then
there was the swami.

I don’t know what the hell
he thought hewas doing!

But this one’s different.

You have to go to him.
I knowit would help.

( catchy
martial music playing )

Trust me, this will be
a very simple helmetectomy.

The process is based
on pure thermodynamics.

Now, first we cool
your body down

by placing your feet
in these cubes of ice.

Now, you’re sure
this is gonna be okay?

It’ll be just fine.

Go ahead.
Don’t be afraid.

Ah! ( hisses )

Ooh.
All right.

Now, once your body
is cooled down,

we heat up the helmet
with this welder’s torch.

The helmet
should come right off.

I don’t know, Doc.

( screaming )

Sorry.

Sorry.

Maybe try soapy water.

( catchy
martial music playing )

Great!
Now it’s soldered on!

D’uuhhhh!

*Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

* Helmet head *

Hello,
I’m Alexander Johnson

of Alexander’s Fur World,

and we’re having
our year-end

Better Off Dead sale.

Furs, furs, furs.

Choose from hundreds
of full-length minks.

Every one
of these animals

was raised
in the lap of luxury,

and I’m sorry to say
committed suicide

due to personal problems.

And that’s not all.

We have
a fabulous collection

of evil, murdering,
vicious coyote,

every one a confirmed
sheep and bunny killer,

convicted by a jury
of environmentalists

and executed under
humane conditions.

Believe me,
they’re better off dead.

Also, view our selection
of retarded beavers.

These poor animals
were unable to cope

with the complex demands
of beaver society

and had to be put
out of their misery.

We have rogue possums,
rabid foxes,

and a limited
number of filthy,

destructive raccoons
we found dead

by the side of the road.

So come with a clear
conscience and remember,

they’re animals,
for crying out loud.

That’s what they’re for.

We’re back.

I’d like to thank you,
the audience.

I’d like
to thank The Pogues.

Somebody get
this guy outta here!

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you all very much.

I had a great time.
I’m havin’ a great year.

Thank you very, very much.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day...!

Yay! Whoo!

*