Original subtitles

( organ playing )

ANNOUNCER: And now it’s time for...

Hello. I’m the Church Lady, and this is Church Chat.

Well, a Mr. Dwight L. MacPherson from Kansas writes,

and he says, "Dear Church Lady,

"last night I dream you were run over and killed

"by a busload of Islamic terrorists.

"And I got to thinking--

who will battle Satan if something happens to you?"

Well, to answer you letter, I’m going to bring out my first guest--

and she’s hardly a guest, because she’s family.

Will you please welcome my niece and namesake Enid?

*

Well!

Well, what a nice Superior dance, Enid.

Thank you, Church Lady.

Now...

Now...

where have you been keeping yourself?

I haven’t seen you lately.

I’ve been at Bible Camp

every day for the past 12 years.

Well, that’s good. It’s good to have you here.

So, let’s get started fighting Satan right now.

BOTH: Let’s get busy!

( both squealing )

Oh, Enid, dear, these are trying times.

Oh, tell me about it.

Just when you think your Gary Harts

and your Jessica Hahns and your Jimmy Swaggarts

are a thing of the past,

someone else gets their bulbous naughty part

caught between Beelzebub at the Beastmaster.

A Satan sandwich.

That’s right, dear, and with that in mind--

All right. With that in mind, Enid,

I’d like you to do the next introduction.

Thank you. Will you please welcome

our very special guest--

the first official tabloid slut of the ’90s--

Miss Marla Maples?

Well, we certainly are flexible, aren’t we?

Welcome to Church Chat,Marla.

Thank you, Church Ladies.

It’s good to have an opportunity to tell the world

that Marla Maples is no home-wrecker.

Donald Trump and I are just good friends.

Oh. And Enid is just a little boy in a dress.

You know, Marla, it’s sad

how sick the press is.

Enid’s right, Marla. A week ago,

you’re an unknown actress-model,

and here you are, known to millions as the Trump Pump.

Isn’t that sad? It just steams my clams.

That’s right. Just steam ’em away.

Can’t anyone spend a weekend in a hotel room

frolicking in the nude with a married man without the press going crazy?

I know.

That’s exactly why I’ve hired a lawyer.

I mean, I’m gonna protect myself from these unfounded attacks.

Oh. We don’t need to be a good girl.

Of course, we don’t have to lead a moral life, as long as we can sue.

We don’t need to be a good girl.

No, sir, we can wreck a marriage any time we want.

A climb in the sack meets that beast with two backs.

That’s fine. That’s right.

Who needs morality? We have a lawyer.

How convenient! How convenient!

Well, I just need somebody to counsel me on this matter.

And who could possibly counsel us

on immorality and fornication?

Who could it be, Enid?

Oh, I just can’t help you out, Church Lady.

My little noggin’s just blank.

Who could it be? I just can’t imagine who.

Could it be...

Hmm... Hmm...

Satan?! Satan?!

Marla! Marla, come with me.

We agreed you weren’t gonna do any interviews.

Donald, they’re being so mean to me.

CHURCH LADY: Sit down, Donnie.

Sit down, Donald. Sit down, please.

Sit for a moment. We’ll just have a nice little chat.

I’d like to clear the air on a few things.

Just sit right down,

and we’ll just clear some little gray areas up, okay, Donnie?

Well, let me clear up a couple of gray areas for you, Church Lady.

First, nobody puts me on the spot.

Second, I could buy and sell you

and your little freak show dog and pony act-- whatever this is.

You keep your nose out of my business,

or you find yourself on the street.

Wait a minute. I own the street.

I don’t know where you’re gonna find yourself,

but I guarantee it won’t be pleasant.

Well, isn’t that special? Well, isn’t that special?

Enid, you want to field this one? Go, girl, go.

We like ourselves, don’t we, Donnie?

But inside, we must feel like a lost, vacant, empty soul,

wandering through a hell of our own making,

worshiping the big "G"--

the wrong "G".

Greed. Greed.

And the only thing we can really feel is our lust.

And we know a lot about lust, don’t we, Donnie?

A little S-E-X?

And how about a little...

S-I-N?

And now we find our billion-dollar buttocks

caught in the pliers.

Enid, Enid, easy, girl.

Let’s remember whose show this is.

Sorry, I just call them as I see them.

All righty.

Well, this is a waste of my time.

Come on, Marla.

Scoot, sinners. Scoot, scoot, sinners.

Well, I wonder what could’ve gotten them so upset.

What could’ve caused them to fly off the handle like that?

I don’t know who.

Could it be... Could it be...

BOTH: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Technotronic.

And starring Fred Savage.

Ladies and gentlemen, Fred Savage!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is a really big thrill for me.

I’ve been trying to get on this show for nine years.

But I’m here. It’s been a lot of fun

working with the whole cast. They’ve all been great--

Uncle Dana, Aunt Nora-- all of them have been great.

I know they were a little worried, though,

about me being able to stay up so late at night,

but, I’ll tell you, standing out here

with all the energy and the excitement

and the crowd, it’s just great.

It’s such a rush. It’s like a glass of Pepsi.

ADULT NARRATOR: Wow. There I was--

hosting Saturday Night Live.

It was February, 1990--

just a few months before the show was finally canceled.

And things were going great.

Probably all of you mostly know me from The Wonder Years.

Thank you, yeah.

But, you know...

( voice cracks ) I’ve done other things, too.

ADULT NARRATOR: What was that?

My voice had never done that before.

( voice cracking ) I’ve also been in a number of movies.

Um... The Princess Bride,

The Wizard, Vice Versa.

ADULT NARRATOR: Oh, no--my worst nightmare.

Suddenly I was going through puberty...

right in the middle of my monologue.

There was no denying it.

( loud scratching )

All the symptoms were there.

( voice cracking ) You know...

a lot of people wonder if I’m a normal kid.

ADULT NARRATOR: I tried to continue with my monologue,

but suddenly, all I Could think about was sex.

And to make things worse,

there in the audience..

was my mom.

Okay, if that’s the way it was, so be it.

I had started the show as a boy,

and I was gonna finish it as a man.

Well...we’ve got a great show tonight.

Technotronic is here. And we’ll be right back.

*

Come on, honey, let’s get going!

The movie starts at 8:00, and we’ve got to park.

Well...

Okay, what’s bothering you?

I’m just a little worried

about leaving Reed on his own in the house.

Honey, he’s 12 years old.

He’s got to learn to accept responsibility sometime.

I know, but I’m nervous about the idea

of him being alone with a gun in the house.

What do you mean?

Well, suppose he goes in and starts playing with it.

Why should he do that?

Well, kids are curious, they’re interested in things.

Not guns. Well, yeah.

Aren’t they? Kids-- especially boys--

are very interested in guns.

Toy guns, not real guns.

Anyway, he’ll never find my gun,

because it’s in my dresser drawer behind my Playboys.

And he knows he’s not supposed to go in there.

Besides, it’s not loaded. Oh, it’s not?

No, the bullets are in the liquor cabinet over there.

Okay. Well, I guess you’re right.

Reed! Reed!

( imitating gunfire )

( laughs )

Yeah, Mom.

Honey, you’re on your own tonight. I know.

I left you a chicken pot pie in the oven.

Oh, yeah. Okay, but, um...

can I watch my Lethal Weapon tape?

As long as you do your homework first.

Okay, Dad.

( sighs)

Honey, you can’t still be worried about this.

I’m sorry. I’m a worrier.

Well, if you’re gonna worry about something,

worry about him hitchhiking to school every day.

Okay, all right, I’ll shut up.

Okay. Good night, honey!

REED: Good night, Mom! Good night, Dad!

Good night.

( car drives off )

( imitating gunshots )

( imitating gunshots )

( explosion )

( imitating gunshots )

Aah!

Your mom forgot her sweater.

And am I ever glad she did.

You are grounded, young man.

Heh heh. No, I don’t think so, Dad.

I think you’regrounded.

Reed-- Shut up, Dad!

For the past 12 years, you’ve been telling me what to do.

And now it’s my turn.

Sit down.

You’ll never get away with this, Reed.

Oh, I think I will. You see...

I’vegot the gun now.

Sooner or later, you’re going to fall asleep, Reed.

And then your mom and I will overpower you.

In fact, you’re getting rather sleepy right now, aren’t you, Reed?

Shut up!

You can hardly keep your eyes open, can you, Reed?

I said shut up!

Ohh. You’re getting cranky.

You always get cranky when you’re tired.

I do not!

All right, Reed, drop the gun.

Mom! Nice and easy.

Reed, drop it.

Now, you march off to your room

and we’ll discuss this tomorrow.

( crying )

Honey, let’s face it-- he’s gonna find the gun

if you hide it behind the Playboys.

Yep. I guess our little boy is growing up.

*

Honey, what time is it?

I guess it’s about 3:00.

I can’t sleep.

Well, is something bothering you?

You know, darling, I’ve been thinking.

Each of the three times

we’ve found Reed playing with the gun,

we thought we had it pretty well stashed away.

Yeah.

Up in the closet, where we were hiding the Christmas presents,

in the drawer, with the keys to my dirt bike.

Or tonight, behind those Playboys.

Uh-huh.

Well, maybe the lesson is...

don’t hide the gun with something else

he might be looking for, but...

rather, in another place.

Yeah. But where?

I don’t know.

Well, honey, you have lots of time to think about it,

so let’s just go to bed, okay?

Yeah.

Hello, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Every day in this country,

a child is accidentally killed by a handgun

kept in the home.

That’s right, Kevin-- Whoa!

Phil! Oh!

Please don’t-- don’t do that.

Don’t ever sneak up on me like that.

I nearly blew your head off.

I’m sorry, Kevin.

I just wanted to second what you were saying.

Oh, it’s okay.

( gunshot )

The statistics are a national disgrace.

Maybe--

I don’t know. Maybe I’m not the best person

to deliver this message,

but the fact that I am careless with firearms

in no way diminishes the essential truth of my message.

Kevin’s right-- Aaah!

What is it with you people?!

Do you want to die?

Thank you and good night.

Don’t sneak up on me like that.

*

ANNOUNCER: It’sThe Pat Stevens Show,

with your host, Pat Stevens.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Hello, everybody. Welcome to Pat Stevens Show.

I’m Pat Stevens.

Everybody’s flapping about fur these days.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again--

fur is murder...

to clean.

Oh, it is, it is. It makes a nice bumper sticker.

I mean, I love animals. I’ve got a Pekingese.

Animals are mysterious, delightful creatures.

There’s nothing cuter than a little chimp running around in diapers

or a fuzzy brown bear in a bowler.

It makes me scream.

We don’t want to eat these animals,

and we certainly wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.

I think we should focus on human beings-- especially our young.

And that’s what I’m doing with my show today.

Both of my guests are young adults.

We have the star of television’s Wonder Years, Fred Savage,

and my own daughter, Missy Stevens.

Hi. Oh, Fred.

Yes. Please.

Thank you. Be my guest.

Oh, Fred Savage.

Boy, these are your wonder years. You look terrific.

Thank you, Pat. Missy?

Sit up straight.

Knees in the locked position. Thank you.

Now...wow, you are 13 years old.

You’ve got a lot of poise. You’re absolutely charming,

and you’re probably making a lot more money than I am.

Oh, I don’t know about that.

That’s okay. You’re a boy.

Now...Missy, how old are you?

Mom, you know how old I am. I’m 13.

Well, Iknow you’re 13,

but our guests don’t know.

She’s shy, self-conscious, doesn’t tap or twirl.

Day and night here.

Now, Fred, you’re the one with the hit TV show. Let’s talk to you.

How did it all happen?

Well, I did a Pac-Man Vitamin commercial when I was six years old.

Six years old! Did you hear that, Missy?

She gave up when she was four. I couldn’t drive her to another audition.

I hated it. It was humiliating.

Youwere humiliating.

It was the scourge of my life.

Now, wait a minute, Pat...

this business isn’t for everybody.

It should be fun. Kids shouldn’t be forced into it.

I wasn’t.

Yeah, like, I love to watch TV,

but I don’t have to be on it.

Now, wait a minute, Missy.

That hasn’t been decided yet.

Now, Fred, don’t you think Missy here

could get a part on your show if she applied herself?

Well, it’s really up to her.

Did you hear that?

Tell her about the lifestyle--

houses, boats, snowmobiles, go-karts.

I imagine your mother drives her own Mercedes.

No, no. It’s not like that at all, really.

I lead a pretty normal life.

I get an allowance-- $9 a week.

And my dad really supports the family.

More than I can say for Missy’s father.

I hadto work.

So, Missy was a latchkey child.

Her therapist says that was 80% of her problem.

The other 20% was the divorce.

That was really hard on me emotionally.

And then the responsibility

of taking care of myself when my mom was always working--

Missy, Missy, Missy.

I pay Dr. Becker to listen to that. We have a guest here.

Now...

Fred, let me ask you a question

that I know is on the mind of all young people.

How do you feel about aging?

You mean getting older?

No, lookingolder.

Well, Pat, I don’t really think about that.

If I did, it’d be weird.

"Weird" isn’t the word. It’s "devastating".

Well, I look forward to being 16 a lot, and 18.

I think those will be really great years.

When I’m 18, I’m gonna go away to college.

Yeah, me, too. I want to go to college. I want to study law.

Me, too!

Now, Missy, your interest is fashion design,

and you can work your way through school as a model.

She’s got the height for it.

She sprouted up a foot this year.

Tallest girl in class, always last in line.

Mom, please!

I don’t think you’re gonna get a partner for graduation.

Hush, Mom. We still haven’t found shoes.

9 1/2!

( crying ) I can’t believe you.

Please, please, please.

Now, listen up here.

Now, Fred--

I’m gonna ask some advice of Fred.

What kind of advice do you have for young people

who want to go into show business, like Missy here?

Well, I think the most important thing is to be yourself

and, you know, do what you want to do.

Like, what do you want to do, Missy?

I want to go live with my dad.

Is that a blotch?

Are you breaking out in hi--

Missy, were you eating chocolate again?

No. I can’t believe you.

Lucky for you we’re out of time.

Bye-bye. I’m Pat Stevens.

*

You’ve been watching The Pat Stevens Show,

with your host, Pat Stevens.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Former President Reagan’s videotaped Iranscam testimony was released this week.

Mr. Reagan said that not only could he not recall the answers

to 124 of the 150 questions asked by lawyers

in the upcoming Poindexter trial,

he was surprised to find out that he had, in fact, ever been President.

Some of the 26 questions Reagan couldanswer

included, "Are you comfortable, Mr. President?"

and, "Mild winter, isn’t it?"

Jimmy Carter is in Nicaragua

to observe that country’s election tomorrow.

Carter has just returned from Africa,

where he had been mediating a settlement

between Ethiopia and Eritrean rebels.

Hey, Jimmy... get with the program, babe.

Hit the links, put your name on some corporate letterhead,

and pull down a couple of mil.

You’re an ex-President, for God’s sake.

The Bush Administration is considering the use

of millions of caterpillars that feed on coca plants

to destroy cocaine at its source in Peru and Bolivia.

A drug cartel spokesman belittled the idea,

saying that they would simply start shipping

the insects that eat the cocaine to the U.S.,

where users will snort the caterpillars themselves.

By the way, after the caterpillar eats the cocaine,

he feels like this.

And recently, photographs of President Bush

show him with his hand in his pants pocket.

Whether he’s greeting another head of state

or chatting with Secretary of State James Baker,

or even attending last week’s drug summit in Cartagena,

he always has his hand in his pants pocket.

Weekend Update has learned the reason.

Here he is with his Deputy Chief of Staff,

who is carrying what used to contain the button

which would trigger a nuclear attack.

Well, now the button has been moved,

and it’s been installed there.

So, now, no matter where he is or what he’s doing,

the President’s hand is always on his button.

Somebody might as well enjoy Armageddon.

You know, Vice President Dan Quayle visited the set of Knots Landingthis week

to say hi to his favorite actor, William Devane.

Members of the Medellín drug cartel

took some time to pose this week

at the great Cartagena bake-off,

and, of course, there in the background

is the Pillsbury Blow-boy.

Tonight, we begin a new feature on Weekend Update--

News From 10 Feet Away.

We now go to correspondent Kevin Nealon.

Kevin, what’s going on?

Dennis, I’m standing here, ten feet away from you

and the Weekend Update desk.

There are a lot of lights and television equipment here,

as if a show is being performed.

There seems to be a crowd gathered,

as if they’ve come to watch something.

And what’s the mood over there, Kev?

Well, there seems to be a mood of anticipation, Dennis.

Uh, the people here seem as if they’re ready to respond to something,

almost like they’re ready to laugh.

And yet there is no laughter.

Not even a trace of laughter.

I’m not sure what it is they’re waiting for or expecting,

but there’s definitely a--

a sense of anticipation--

anticipation that is not being satisfied in any way.

Just seems to be a void.

And now I’m beginning to get a sense of resentment, Dennis,

almost as if something that was supposed to be entertaining or funny

had turned out to be quite the opposite.

Uh...people seem to be fidgeting.

I see some sad faces and some frowns.

Now I’m sensing a mood of frustration from the people here,

as if they are watching something that has gone on far too long.

A feeling of--

( applause and cheers )

A feeling of agreement of time being wasted,

a feeling of, "When will this end?

"Put us out of our misery,

as you would a crippled horse on a racetrack."

All this, just ten feet away, Dennis.

Thank you, Kevin, that’s great.

We’ll be checking back.

We’ll be checking back with Kevin later on

for more News From 10 Feet Away.

And if you get up to New England some time this week,

it’s beautiful. It’s the time of the year that the Maples are in bloom

and the sap is running.

The first fake fat approved by the F.D.A.

will be on supermarket shelves in a few weeks.

The fat substitute-- called Simplesse--

causes fake heart attacks,

which company spokesmen say feel exactly like real heart attacks,

but do only 20% of the damage.

This is former dancer Hosua Hosia Dan,

who gained notoriety in Taiwan

by stripping to win votes in a parliamentary election.

I think that ballot box could use a little stuffing, huh?

And in Manhattan today,

the all-new Annoying Magic Show has arrived.

Here with a sample of the entertainment to be had

is none other than Annoying Man.

Hello, Annoying Man.

( whining )

Thank you.

For my first trick,

I will make this piece of aluminum foil disappear.

( humming to carnival music )

Stop that! Hey, stop that!

That’s sick.

Sorry.

Now, for my next trick,

I will silently...

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

Ehh!

Silently scrape a fork on a chalkboard.

Well, that’s no trick.

The fork is not even touching the chalkboard.

You mean like this?

( scraping )

Stop that! Stop it! Give me that!

Just do the trick we worked on.

( British accent ) You don’t have to yell.

( whining ) And now, for my final magic trick,

on the count of three,

I will lose ten pounds.

All right. One, two, three.

Lose ten! Gain ten! Lose ten!

Annoying Man, everybody!

Aaaaaah!

Yeah. Annoying Man. Thank you.

I’ll tell you what the best trick is--

that he’s gotten that on three times.

Yasser Arafat appeared on Entertainment Tonight this week

and announced plans to star in a new film

about an American comedian who defects to the Soviet Union.

Arafat said he himself would play the lead

in The Hunt for Red Buttons,

and it should be out sometime near Christmas.

Former NBA star Julius Erving spoke to a group of students this week

and cautioned them to stay active

because retirement can lead to a rapid decline

in one’s physical abilities.

A panel of scientists met today in Browlard Hall

at the University of California

to discuss the baffling disappearance of frogs

from ponds and forests all over the world.

What the scientists didn’t know, however,

was that the frogs were throwing them a surprise party

and were all hiding outside in the hall with the lights off,

waiting for them to come out.

And now we go back to Kevin Update--

Kevin Nealon for an update...

from ten feet away. Kevin, what’s it like now?

Well, Dennis, there seems to be a mood within the crowd right now

of profound disappointment,

as if they were watching something

they had hoped they would never see again--

almost like an unwanted deja vu.

It’s interesting because, for the last few minutes,

there had really been a nice mood of relief and calm here,

but now I’m sensing absolute fury.

I can see many glaring expressions to all sides.

To my right, a man is approaching me

with a long, blunt object.

He seems to be determined and angry,

almost as if he was going to--

I sense Kevin’s done for the evening.

And the CBS Network this week announced plans to institute a new system

where The Pat Sajak Show will now be hosted on Fridays

by various guest hosts.

You know, guest-hosting the Sajak show

is now considered to be jury duty in Los Angeles.

On Thursday of this week,

the worst kiss of all time occurred in St. Petersburg, Florida.

And now, with a commentary, is Grumpy Old Man.

Welcome, Grumpy Old Man.

( groaning )

I’m not happy!

I don’t like things now compared to the way they used to be.

All this progress.

Flibbidy-floo!

In my day, we didn’t have bottled water.

Who needs it? So clean and pure.

In my day, we pumped raw sewage

directly into the water supply,

and when we wanted a drink of water,

it came out all brown and gooey,

and sometimes it had chunks of hairy crud in it.

And that’s the way it was, and we liked it!

We loved it!

Modernization.

Flibbidy-blation!

In my--Ehh.

In my day, we didn’t have all this athletic footwear,

so that you could walk in comfort.

In my day, we only had one kind of shoe,

and it was size 7.

And if it didn’t fit, you’d just jam your foot into it.

And by the end of the day, you pulled your feet out

and they were just bloodied stumps, and you liked it!

Oh, how we loved it.

Back then, we made our own fun.

We didn’t amusement parks,

with their fancy rolly-coasters.

In my day, if you wanted a thrill,

you just crawled on your knees to the top of a mountain

and fling yourself off!

And you’d fall and land on your butt

and send your spine shootin’ up through your skull.

And you’d scream, "Oh, no! Maybe this wasn’t a good idea."

But it was too late!

You were a heap of ground-up bones, and you liked it!

It was good, simple fun, and we loved it.

’Cause we were uneducated boobs

and we didn’t know any better.

Just a bunch of morons with bloodied stumps,

drinking raw sewage and jumping off cliffs.

That’s the way it was, and we liked it!

Grumpy!

( grunting )

Grumpy Old Man. Yeah, get it!

( laughing )

Okay, Grumpy Old Man, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Grump. You know...

shooting started this week on Secret Passions,

which is being billed as the first gay soap opera.

Here we see stars David Gadberry and Kevin Shaw in the bed,

and I’ll tell you-- the guy working the boom

doesn’t look like he really likes being assigned to this project.

( laughs )

In business trends this week, the Goodyear Company

opened a new chain of gynecological tire stores

in the Midwestern United States.

And one of the biblical signs of the end of the world

came to fruition this week,

as Milli Vanilli won a Grammy for Best New Performer.

Guess what, folks?

*

Honestly, I can’t over how adorable Jennifer’s gotten.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

And, of course, Doug over there

is growing like a weed.

He sure is.

Mommy, Furfel’s feeling tired.

Can he sleep in the car on the way home?

( laughs ) Of course he can, honey.

Furfel is Jennifer’s imaginary friend.

Yeah, all the books now are saying

that you should encourage your kids

to let their imaginations run wild.

Yeah, that’s right. It helps them develop

the creative part of their brain.

I don’t know where Jennifer came up with Furfel.

He’s this wonderful purple dragon with wings.

He goes through walls, and he sleeps in a cookie jar.

( laughs ) I know.

We give Dougie here free reign, too.

Dougie? You have an imaginary friend, too,

don’t you, honey?

Uh, yeah. Tell us about him.

Well, gee, uh...

he’s just a friend I have.

Yeah? What does he look like?

Uh, I don’t know.

Kind of like a guy.

Well...can he do anything?

Uh...

he, you know, just sort of hangs out with me,

watches TV, sleeps when I do.

I named Furfel after the country he came from--

Furfelonia.

Back there, he lived in a green cave with five monkeys

that he still goes back and visits every Easter.

( laughter )

Come on, Dougie. I pet your pal has a funny name.

Um...no.

He’s just--just a guy.

We’d better get going, honey. Yeah, right.

Jennifer, get your coat.

Thank you so much, Beverly.

It was wonderful.

Sure.

Bye-bye.

See you on Monday, huh, Bill?

Thanks.

Hey, sorry about your kid’s friend.

Maybe Doug’s just a little tired, huh?

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Well, good night.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Hold up a second there, son.

Is that all there is to your imaginary friend?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

"I guess"? "I think"?

Come on, Doug, we both know you can do better than that.

What do you mean?

What your father is trying to say

is that he doesn’t think you are really using your imagination.

I don’t enjoy looking stupid, Doug.

Now, Bill, please.

We just think that maybe you can try a little harder

to come up with an imaginary friend we can all be proud of.

But I like my friend.

Son...go up to your room

and think of a new one now!

( sighs ) Yes, sir.

Good night.

"Just some guy." Jeez!

Yeah, Dad?

Your mother and I were wondering

how you were coming along

with your new imaginary friend.

Oh, right.

Well?

Uh, okay.

He’s this really old guy.

Really? Yeah.

And, uh, he really likes music,

especially romantic stuff.

Well, that’s good, Doug. What else?

Well, uh, he was born in Bonn, Germany,

and he learned to play the piano at a very early age.

He composes a lot of symphonies,

but it’s hard now that he’s going deaf.

But in his third symphony-- Eroica--

a tribute to Napoleon--

Doug, your friend sounds a lot like Beethoven.

And here we thought you were finally using your encyclopedia

for your schoolwork.

Now, you listen here, mister--

you go up to your room and you cough up a decent imaginary friend!

The competition’s in three days!

Competition?! That’s right!

And you’re going to bury those other kids.

*

And so, to sum it up,

my imaginary friend, Mr. Doilywipple,

is not just an 8’9" aardvark who lives in a rain cloud,

he’s also a singer, a time traveler,

and a rare coin buff with a fascinating imaginary genealogy.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jose.

Mr. Doilywipple is one of the most stimulating imaginary friends

I’ve met tonight.

I just hope he doesn’t put magic powder in myice cream.

( laughter )

Okay, now it’s time for our last contestant,

so please give a warm welcome to Doug Menler.

He’d better not let me down.

Uh, my imaginary friend is different from all the others here tonight...

because...

well, he’s my dad.

You see,

I used to have an imaginary friend.

He wasn’t anything real fancy,

but he was mine.

But I guess that wasn’t good enough for my dad.

He wanted me to dump my buddy

just to make the neighbors happy.

So, now...

instead of my dad being my real friend,

I have to settle for him being my imaginary friend.

Bo-o-o-oring!

What’s your point?

I just want my dad to know that I love him very much.

And I think together, we can--

This sucks! ( booing )

All right, Doug! You better come up

with an imaginary character right now,

or you’ll have hell to pay!

Uh...

my, uh--

my imaginary friend’s name is, uh...

Mike.

Uh, yeah.

Mike, um--

Mike Podium.

Yeah. His name is Mike Podium,

and he comes from, uh...

Auditoriumville.

He likes all kinds of foods,

but his favorite thing to eat is, um...

emergency exits.

And his two best friends are...

a basketball hoop and a--

a row of fold-up chairs.

That’s my boy!

Roger. We are T-minus ten seconds and counting.

Nine, eight, seven, six--

Wait a minute! Hold it!

What’s the matter?

That’s Lassie out there!

Stop the countdown! Stop it! Stop!

What makes you think it’s Lassie?

It could just be a regular collie, right?

Are you willing to take that chance?

Hey, she’s leaving.

Okay, good, good.

All right, let’s proceed with the countdown.

Ten, nine, eight--

Hold it, hold it! What? What is it now?

Look! It’s Jessica McClure!

The little girl that fell down the well!

Stop the launch! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Hey, you know who that is with her?

No, who? That’s Mary Whitmore--

the little girl who fell down a well in the 1940s!

Well, it’s a good thing we stopped the launch. Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn’t want to be known as the guy

who killed the two people who fell down wells.

Me, either.

Okay, good, good. Okay.

All right, okay. They’re gone.

Let’s resume the countdown.

Hey! Hey, look! It’s Hitler!

You’re right!

Boy, he looks old!

Yeah, but I’d still like to fry him.

Wait. Wait.

He’s holding the Mona Lisa.

Oh, no!

Stop the countdown! Stop!

How did Hitler get the Mona Lisa?

No telling.

Oh, look, he’s leaving now.

Let’s hurry up and launch

before something else happens.

Right. T-minus...

ten, nine, eight--

Wait, wait!

Wait!

It’s Dan Quayle and Mikhail Gorbachev!

Now what do we do?

I don’t know. This is a tough one.

I guess we’d better stop the launch.

Yeah...I guess.

Stop countdown. Stop.

Okay. They’re gone. All right.

But now look who’s out there!

The Invisible Man!

Where?!

( laughs ) No, I was just kidding.

It was a joke.

But I’ll tell you who isout there.

It’s Donald and Ivana Trump!

( alarm ringing )

*

Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed the show.

I want to thank the band, Technotronic,

the cast and crew. Everybody, you’ve been great.

Thanks for a great week.