All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E14.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

( organ playing )

ANNOUNCER:
And now it’s time for...

Hello. I’m the Church Lady,
and this is Church Chat.

Well,
a Mr. Dwight L. MacPherson
from Kansas writes,

and he says,
"Dear Church Lady,

"last night I dream
you were run over and killed

"by a busload
of Islamic terrorists.

"And I got to thinking--

who will battle Satan
if something happens to you?"

Well, to answer you letter,
I’m going to bring out
my first guest--

and she’s hardly a guest,
because she’s family.

Will you please welcome
my niece and namesake Enid?

*

Well!

Well, what a nice
Superior dance, Enid.

Thank you,
Church Lady.

Now...

Now...

where have you been
keeping yourself?

I haven’t
seen you lately.

I’ve been
at Bible Camp

every day for
the past 12 years.

Well, that’s good.
It’s good to
have you here.

So, let’s get started
fighting Satan right now.

BOTH: Let’s get busy!

( both squealing )

Oh, Enid, dear,
these are trying times.

Oh, tell me about it.

Just when you think
your Gary Harts

and your Jessica Hahns
and your Jimmy Swaggarts

are a thing of the past,

someone else gets their
bulbous naughty part

caught between Beelzebub
at the Beastmaster.

A Satan sandwich.

That’s right, dear,
and with that in mind--

All right. With that
in mind, Enid,

I’d like you to do
the next introduction.

Thank you. Will you
please welcome

our very
special guest--

the first official
tabloid slut
of the ’90s--

Miss Marla Maples?

Well, we certainly are
flexible, aren’t we?

Welcome to
Church Chat,Marla.

Thank you, Church Ladies.

It’s good to have
an opportunity
to tell the world

that Marla Maples
is no home-wrecker.

Donald Trump and I
are just good friends.

Oh. And Enid is just
a little boy in a dress.

You know, Marla,
it’s sad

how sick
the press is.

Enid’s right, Marla.
A week ago,

you’re an unknown
actress-model,

and here you are,
known to millions
as the Trump Pump.

Isn’t that sad?
It just steams
my clams.

That’s right.
Just steam ’em away.

Can’t anyone spend
a weekend in a hotel room

frolicking in the nude
with a married man without
the press going crazy?

I know.

That’s exactly why
I’ve hired a lawyer.

I mean, I’m gonna
protect myself from
these unfounded attacks.

Oh. We don’t need
to be a good girl.

Of course, we don’t have
to lead a moral life,
as long as we can sue.

We don’t need
to be a good girl.

No, sir, we can
wreck a marriage
any time we want.

A climb in the sack
meets that beast
with two backs.

That’s fine.
That’s right.

Who needs morality?
We have a lawyer.

How convenient!
How convenient!

Well, I just need
somebody to counsel me
on this matter.

And who could
possibly counsel us

on immorality
and fornication?

Who could it be, Enid?

Oh, I just can’t
help you out,
Church Lady.

My little noggin’s
just blank.

Who could it be?
I just can’t imagine who.

Could it be...

Hmm...
Hmm...

Satan?!
Satan?!

Marla! Marla,
come with me.

We agreed you weren’t
gonna do any interviews.

Donald, they’re
being so mean to me.

CHURCH LADY:
Sit down, Donnie.

Sit down, Donald.
Sit down, please.

Sit for a moment.
We’ll just have
a nice little chat.

I’d like to clear the
air on a few things.

Just sit right down,

and we’ll just clear
some little gray areas
up, okay, Donnie?

Well, let me clear up
a couple of gray areas
for you, Church Lady.

First, nobody puts me
on the spot.

Second, I could buy
and sell you

and your little freak show
dog and pony act--
whatever this is.

You keep your nose
out of my business,

or you find yourself
on the street.

Wait a minute.
I own the street.

I don’t know
where you’re gonna
find yourself,

but I guarantee
it won’t be pleasant.

Well, isn’t that special?
Well, isn’t that special?

Enid, you want
to field this one?
Go, girl, go.

We like ourselves,
don’t we, Donnie?

But inside, we must
feel like a lost,
vacant, empty soul,

wandering
through a hell of
our own making,

worshiping
the big "G"--

the wrong "G".

Greed.
Greed.

And the only thing
we can really feel
is our lust.

And we know
a lot about lust,
don’t we, Donnie?

A little S-E-X?

And how about
a little...

S-I-N?

And now we find
our billion-dollar
buttocks

caught in the pliers.

Enid, Enid, easy, girl.

Let’s remember
whose show this is.

Sorry, I just call them
as I see them.

All righty.

Well, this is
a waste of my time.

Come on, Marla.

Scoot, sinners.
Scoot, scoot, sinners.

Well, I wonder what
could’ve gotten
them so upset.

What could’ve
caused them to fly off
the handle like that?

I don’t know who.

Could it be...
Could it be...

BOTH: Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Technotronic.

And starring Fred Savage.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Fred Savage!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is a really big
thrill for me.

I’ve been trying to get
on this show for nine years.

But I’m here.
It’s been a lot of fun

working with the whole cast.
They’ve all been great--

Uncle Dana, Aunt Nora--
all of them have been great.

I know they were
a little worried, though,

about me being able
to stay up so late at night,

but, I’ll tell you,
standing out here

with all the energy
and the excitement

and the crowd,
it’s just great.

It’s such a rush.
It’s like a glass of Pepsi.

ADULT NARRATOR:
Wow. There I was--

hosting
Saturday Night Live.

It was February, 1990--

just a few months
before the show was
finally canceled.

And things were going great.

Probably all of you mostly
know me from The Wonder Years.

Thank you, yeah.

But, you know...

( voice cracks )
I’ve done other things, too.

ADULT NARRATOR:
What was that?

My voice had never
done that before.

( voice cracking )
I’ve also been in
a number of movies.

Um...
The Princess Bride,

The Wizard, Vice Versa.

ADULT NARRATOR:
Oh, no--my worst nightmare.

Suddenly I was going
through puberty...

right in the middle
of my monologue.

There was no denying it.

( loud scratching )

All the symptoms were there.

( voice cracking )
You know...

a lot of people wonder
if I’m a normal kid.

ADULT NARRATOR:
I tried to continue
with my monologue,

but suddenly, all I Could
think about was sex.

And to make things worse,

there in the audience..

was my mom.

Okay, if that’s the way
it was, so be it.

I had started
the show as a boy,

and I was gonna
finish it as a man.

Well...we’ve got
a great show tonight.

Technotronic is here.
And we’ll be right back.

*

Come on, honey,
let’s get going!

The movie starts at 8:00,
and we’ve got to park.

Well...

Okay, what’s
bothering you?

I’m just
a little worried

about leaving
Reed on his own
in the house.

Honey,
he’s 12 years old.

He’s got to learn to
accept responsibility
sometime.

I know, but I’m
nervous about the idea

of him being alone with
a gun in the house.

What do you mean?

Well, suppose he
goes in and starts
playing with it.

Why should he do that?

Well, kids are curious,
they’re interested
in things.

Not guns.
Well, yeah.

Aren’t they? Kids--
especially boys--

are very interested
in guns.

Toy guns,
not real guns.

Anyway, he’ll never
find my gun,

because it’s in
my dresser drawer
behind my Playboys.

And he knows he’s not
supposed to go in there.

Besides,
it’s not loaded.
Oh, it’s not?

No, the bullets are
in the liquor cabinet
over there.

Okay. Well, I guess
you’re right.

Reed! Reed!

( imitating gunfire )

( laughs )

Yeah, Mom.

Honey, you’re on
your own tonight.
I know.

I left you a chicken pot pie
in the oven.

Oh, yeah.
Okay, but, um...

can I watch my
Lethal Weapon
tape?

As long as you do
your homework first.

Okay, Dad.

( sighs)

Honey, you can’t still
be worried about this.

I’m sorry.
I’m a worrier.

Well, if you’re gonna
worry about something,

worry about him
hitchhiking to school
every day.

Okay, all right,
I’ll shut up.

Okay. Good night,
honey!

REED: Good night, Mom!
Good night, Dad!

Good night.

( car drives off )

( imitating gunshots )

( imitating gunshots )

( explosion )

( imitating gunshots )

Aah!

Your mom forgot
her sweater.

And am I ever glad
she did.

You are grounded,
young man.

Heh heh. No,
I don’t think so, Dad.

I think
you’regrounded.

Reed--
Shut up, Dad!

For the past 12 years,
you’ve been telling me
what to do.

And now it’s my turn.

Sit down.

You’ll never get away
with this, Reed.

Oh, I think I will.
You see...

I’vegot
the gun now.

Sooner or later,
you’re going to
fall asleep, Reed.

And then your mom and I
will overpower you.

In fact, you’re getting
rather sleepy right now,
aren’t you, Reed?

Shut up!

You can hardly keep
your eyes open,
can you, Reed?

I said shut up!

Ohh. You’re
getting cranky.

You always get cranky
when you’re tired.

I do not!

All right, Reed,
drop the gun.

Mom!
Nice and easy.

Reed, drop it.

Now, you march off
to your room

and we’ll discuss this
tomorrow.

( crying )

Honey, let’s face it--
he’s gonna find the gun

if you hide it
behind the Playboys.

Yep. I guess
our little boy
is growing up.

*

Honey,
what time is it?

I guess
it’s about 3:00.

I can’t sleep.

Well, is something
bothering you?

You know, darling,
I’ve been thinking.

Each of
the three times

we’ve found Reed
playing with the gun,

we thought we
had it pretty well
stashed away.

Yeah.

Up in the closet,
where we were hiding
the Christmas presents,

in the drawer,
with the keys
to my dirt bike.

Or tonight, behind
those Playboys.

Uh-huh.

Well, maybe
the lesson is...

don’t hide the gun
with something else

he might be
looking for, but...

rather,
in another place.

Yeah. But where?

I don’t know.

Well, honey,
you have lots of time
to think about it,

so let’s just
go to bed, okay?

Yeah.

Hello, I’m Kevin Nealon.

Every day
in this country,

a child is accidentally
killed by a handgun

kept in the home.

That’s right, Kevin--
Whoa!

Phil! Oh!

Please don’t--
don’t do that.

Don’t ever sneak up
on me like that.

I nearly blew
your head off.

I’m sorry, Kevin.

I just wanted
to second what
you were saying.

Oh, it’s okay.

( gunshot )

The statistics
are a national disgrace.

Maybe--

I don’t know. Maybe I’m
not the best person

to deliver this message,

but the fact that I am
careless with firearms

in no way diminishes
the essential truth
of my message.

Kevin’s right--
Aaah!

What is it
with you people?!

Do you want to die?

Thank you and good night.

Don’t sneak up on me
like that.

*

ANNOUNCER:
It’sThe Pat Stevens Show,

with your host,
Pat Stevens.

Hello, everybody. Welcome to
Hello, everybody. Welcome to
Pat Stevens Show.

I’m Pat Stevens.

Everybody’s flapping
about fur these days.

I’ve said it before,
I’ll say it again--

fur is murder...

to clean.

Oh, it is, it is.
It makes a nice bumper sticker.

I mean, I love animals.
I’ve got a Pekingese.

Animals are mysterious,
delightful creatures.

There’s nothing cuter
than a little chimp
running around in diapers

or a fuzzy brown bear
in a bowler.

It makes me scream.

We don’t want to eat
these animals,

and we certainly wouldn’t
be caught dead wearing one.

I think we should focus
on human beings--
especially our young.

And that’s what I’m doing
with my show today.

Both of my guests
are young adults.

We have the star of
television’s Wonder Years,
Fred Savage,

and my own daughter,
Missy Stevens.

Hi. Oh, Fred.

Yes. Please.

Thank you.
Be my guest.

Oh, Fred Savage.

Boy, these are
your wonder years.
You look terrific.

Thank you, Pat.
Missy?

Sit up straight.

Knees in the
locked position.
Thank you.

Now...wow, you are
13 years old.

You’ve got a lot of poise.
You’re absolutely charming,

and you’re probably
making a lot more money
than I am.

Oh, I don’t know
about that.

That’s okay.
You’re a boy.

Now...Missy,
how old are you?

Mom, you know
how old I am. I’m 13.

Well, Iknow
you’re 13,

but our guests
don’t know.

She’s shy, self-conscious,
doesn’t tap or twirl.

Day and night here.

Now, Fred, you’re the one
with the hit TV show.
Let’s talk to you.

How did it all happen?

Well, I did a Pac-Man
Vitamin commercial when
I was six years old.

Six years old!
Did you hear that, Missy?

She gave up when she was four.
I couldn’t drive her
to another audition.

I hated it.
It was humiliating.

Youwere
humiliating.

It was the scourge
of my life.

Now, wait a minute,
Pat...

this business
isn’t for everybody.

It should be fun.
Kids shouldn’t be
forced into it.

I wasn’t.

Yeah, like,
I love to watch TV,

but I don’t have
to be on it.

Now, wait a minute,
Missy.

That hasn’t been
decided yet.

Now, Fred, don’t you
think Missy here

could get a part on your show
if she applied herself?

Well, it’s really
up to her.

Did you hear that?

Tell her about
the lifestyle--

houses, boats,
snowmobiles, go-karts.

I imagine your mother
drives her own Mercedes.

No, no. It’s not
like that at all,
really.

I lead a pretty
normal life.

I get an allowance--
$9 a week.

And my dad really
supports the family.

More than I can say
for Missy’s father.

I hadto work.

So, Missy was
a latchkey child.

Her therapist says
that was 80%
of her problem.

The other 20%
was the divorce.

That was really hard
on me emotionally.

And then
the responsibility

of taking care of myself
when my mom was
always working--

Missy, Missy, Missy.

I pay Dr. Becker
to listen to that.
We have a guest here.

Now...

Fred, let me
ask you a question

that I know
is on the mind of
all young people.

How do you feel
about aging?

You mean getting older?

No, lookingolder.

Well, Pat, I don’t
really think about that.

If I did, it’d be weird.

"Weird" isn’t the word.
It’s "devastating".

Well, I look forward
to being 16 a lot,
and 18.

I think those will be
really great years.

When I’m 18, I’m gonna
go away to college.

Yeah, me, too.
I want to go to college.
I want to study law.

Me, too!

Now, Missy,
your interest is
fashion design,

and you can work your
way through school
as a model.

She’s got
the height for it.

She sprouted up
a foot this year.

Tallest girl in class,
always last in line.

Mom, please!

I don’t think you’re
gonna get a partner
for graduation.

Hush, Mom.
We still haven’t
found shoes.

9 1/2!

( crying )
I can’t believe you.

Please, please, please.

Now, listen up here.

Now, Fred--

I’m gonna ask
some advice of Fred.

What kind of advice
do you have for young people

who want to go
into show business,
like Missy here?

Well, I think the
most important thing
is to be yourself

and, you know,
do what you want
to do.

Like, what do you
want to do, Missy?

I want to go live
with my dad.

Is that a blotch?

Are you breaking out
in hi--

Missy, were you eating
chocolate again?

No.
I can’t believe you.

Lucky for you
we’re out of time.

Bye-bye.
I’m Pat Stevens.

*

You’ve been watching
The Pat Stevens Show,

with your host,
Pat Stevens.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Former President Reagan’s
videotaped Iranscam testimony
was released this week.

Mr. Reagan said that
not only could he not
recall the answers

to 124 of the 150 questions
asked by lawyers

in the upcoming
Poindexter trial,

he was surprised to find out
that he had, in fact,
ever been President.

Some of the 26 questions
Reagan couldanswer

included, "Are you comfortable,
Mr. President?"

and, "Mild winter,
isn’t it?"

Jimmy Carter is in Nicaragua

to observe that country’s
election tomorrow.

Carter has just returned
from Africa,

where he had been
mediating a settlement

between Ethiopia
and Eritrean rebels.

Hey, Jimmy...
get with the program, babe.

Hit the links, put your name
on some corporate letterhead,

and pull down a couple of mil.

You’re an ex-President,
for God’s sake.

The Bush Administration
is considering the use

of millions of caterpillars
that feed on coca plants

to destroy cocaine
at its source in Peru
and Bolivia.

A drug cartel spokesman
belittled the idea,

saying that they would
simply start shipping

the insects that eat
the cocaine to the U.S.,

where users will snort
the caterpillars themselves.

By the way,
after the caterpillar
eats the cocaine,

he feels like this.

And recently, photographs
of President Bush

show him with his hand
in his pants pocket.

Whether he’s greeting
another head of state

or chatting with Secretary
of State James Baker,

or even attending last week’s
drug summit in Cartagena,

he always has his hand
in his pants pocket.

Weekend Update
has learned the reason.

Here he is with
his Deputy Chief of Staff,

who is carrying what used
to contain the button

which would trigger
a nuclear attack.

Well, now the button
has been moved,

and it’s been
installed there.

So, now,
no matter where he is
or what he’s doing,

the President’s hand
is always on his button.

Somebody might as well
enjoy Armageddon.

You know, Vice President
Dan Quayle visited the set
of Knots Landingthis week

to say hi to his favorite
actor, William Devane.

Members of the Medellín
drug cartel

took some time
to pose this week

at the great
Cartagena bake-off,

and, of course,
there in the background

is the Pillsbury Blow-boy.

Tonight, we begin a new
feature on Weekend Update--

News From 10 Feet Away.

We now go to correspondent
Kevin Nealon.

Kevin, what’s going on?

Dennis, I’m standing here,
ten feet away from you

and the Weekend Update desk.

There are a lot of lights
and television equipment here,

as if a show
is being performed.

There seems to be
a crowd gathered,

as if they’ve come
to watch something.

And what’s the mood
over there, Kev?

Well, there seems
to be a mood of
anticipation, Dennis.

Uh, the people here
seem as if they’re ready
to respond to something,

almost like they’re
ready to laugh.

And yet there is
no laughter.

Not even a trace
of laughter.

I’m not sure what it is
they’re waiting for
or expecting,

but there’s
definitely a--

a sense of anticipation--

anticipation that is
not being satisfied
in any way.

Just seems to be a void.

And now I’m beginning
to get a sense of
resentment, Dennis,

almost as if something
that was supposed to be
entertaining or funny

had turned out to be
quite the opposite.

Uh...people seem
to be fidgeting.

I see some sad faces
and some frowns.

Now I’m sensing a mood
of frustration from
the people here,

as if they are watching
something that has gone on
far too long.

A feeling of--

( applause and cheers )

A feeling of agreement
of time being wasted,

a feeling of,
"When will this end?

"Put us out of our misery,

as you would a crippled
horse on a racetrack."

All this, just
ten feet away, Dennis.

Thank you, Kevin,
that’s great.

We’ll be checking back.

We’ll be checking back
with Kevin later on

for more News
From 10 Feet Away.

And if you get
up to New England
some time this week,

it’s beautiful.
It’s the time of the year
that the Maples are in bloom

and the sap is running.

The first fake fat
approved by the F.D.A.

will be on supermarket shelves
in a few weeks.

The fat substitute--
called Simplesse--

causes fake heart attacks,

which company spokesmen
say feel exactly like
real heart attacks,

but do only 20%
of the damage.

This is former dancer
Hosua Hosia Dan,

who gained notoriety
in Taiwan

by stripping to win votes
in a parliamentary election.

I think that ballot box could
use a little stuffing, huh?

And in Manhattan today,

the all-new Annoying
Magic Show has arrived.

Here with a sample
of the entertainment
to be had

is none other than
Annoying Man.

Hello, Annoying Man.

( whining )

Thank you.

For my first trick,

I will make this piece
of aluminum foil
disappear.

( humming to
carnival music )

Stop that!
Hey, stop that!

That’s sick.

Sorry.

Now,
for my next trick,

I will silently...

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!

Ehh!

Silently scrape a fork
on a chalkboard.

Well, that’s no trick.

The fork is not even
touching the chalkboard.

You mean like this?

( scraping )

Stop that! Stop it!
Give me that!

Just do the trick
we worked on.

( British accent )
You don’t have to yell.

( whining )
And now, for my
final magic trick,

on the count of three,

I will lose ten pounds.

All right.
One, two, three.

Lose ten! Gain ten!
Lose ten!

Annoying Man,
everybody!

Aaaaaah!

Yeah. Annoying Man.
Thank you.

I’ll tell you what
the best trick is--

that he’s gotten
that on three times.

Yasser Arafat appeared
on Entertainment Tonight
this week

and announced plans
to star in a new film

about an American comedian who
defects to the Soviet Union.

Arafat said he himself
would play the lead

in The Hunt
for Red Buttons,

and it should be out
sometime near Christmas.

Former NBA star Julius Erving
spoke to a group of students
this week

and cautioned them
to stay active

because retirement
can lead to a rapid decline

in one’s physical abilities.

A panel of scientists
met today in Browlard Hall

at the University of California

to discuss the baffling
disappearance of frogs

from ponds and forests
all over the world.

What the scientists
didn’t know, however,

was that the frogs were
throwing them a surprise party

and were all hiding
outside in the hall
with the lights off,

waiting for them
to come out.

And now we go back
to Kevin Update--

Kevin Nealon for an update...

from ten feet away.
Kevin, what’s it like now?

Well, Dennis,
there seems to be a mood
within the crowd right now

of profound
disappointment,

as if they were
watching something

they had hoped they would
never see again--

almost like
an unwanted deja vu.

It’s interesting because,
for the last few minutes,

there had really been
a nice mood of relief
and calm here,

but now I’m sensing
absolute fury.

I can see many glaring
expressions to all sides.

To my right, a
man is approaching me

with a long, blunt object.

He seems to be
determined and angry,

almost as if he was
going to--

I sense Kevin’s done
for the evening.

And the CBS Network
this week announced plans
to institute a new system

where The Pat Sajak Show
will now be hosted on Fridays

by various guest hosts.

You know, guest-hosting
the Sajak show

is now considered to be
jury duty in Los Angeles.

On Thursday of this week,

the worst kiss of all time
occurred in St. Petersburg,
Florida.

And now, with a commentary,
is Grumpy Old Man.

Welcome,
Grumpy Old Man.

( groaning )

I’m not happy!

I don’t like things now
compared to the way
they used to be.

All this progress.

Flibbidy-floo!

In my day, we didn’t have
bottled water.

Who needs it?
So clean and pure.

In my day,
we pumped raw sewage

directly into
the water supply,

and when we wanted
a drink of water,

it came out all brown
and gooey,

and sometimes it had chunks
of hairy crud in it.

And that’s the way it was,
and we liked it!

We loved it!

Modernization.

Flibbidy-blation!

In my--Ehh.

In my day, we didn’t have
all this athletic footwear,

so that you could walk
in comfort.

In my day, we only had
one kind of shoe,

and it was size 7.

And if it didn’t fit,
you’d just jam your foot
into it.

And by the end of the day,
you pulled your feet out

and they were
just bloodied stumps,
and you liked it!

Oh, how we loved it.

Back then,
we made our own fun.

We didn’t amusement parks,

with their fancy
rolly-coasters.

In my day,
if you wanted a thrill,

you just crawled on your knees
to the top of a mountain

and fling yourself off!

And you’d fall
and land on your butt

and send your spine
shootin’ up through your skull.

And you’d scream,
"Oh, no! Maybe this
wasn’t a good idea."

But it was too late!

You were a heap
of ground-up bones,
and you liked it!

It was good, simple fun,
and we loved it.

’Cause we were
uneducated boobs

and we didn’t know
any better.

Just a bunch of morons
with bloodied stumps,

drinking raw sewage
and jumping off cliffs.

That’s the way it was,
and we liked it!

Grumpy!

( grunting )

Grumpy Old Man.
Yeah, get it!

( laughing )

Okay, Grumpy Old Man,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Grump.
You know...

shooting started this week
on Secret Passions,

which is being billed
as the first gay soap opera.

Here we see stars
David Gadberry and Kevin Shaw
in the bed,

and I’ll tell you--
the guy working the boom

doesn’t look like he really
likes being assigned
to this project.

( laughs )

In business trends this week,
the Goodyear Company

opened a new chain
of gynecological tire stores

in the Midwestern
United States.

And one of the biblical signs
of the end of the world

came to fruition this week,

as Milli Vanilli won a Grammy
for Best New Performer.

Guess what, folks?

*

Honestly, I can’t over how
adorable Jennifer’s gotten.

Oh, well, thank you
very much.

And, of course,
Doug over there

is growing
like a weed.

He sure is.

Mommy, Furfel’s
feeling tired.

Can he sleep
in the car on
the way home?

( laughs )
Of course he can, honey.

Furfel is Jennifer’s
imaginary friend.

Yeah, all the books now
are saying

that you should
encourage your kids

to let their
imaginations run wild.

Yeah, that’s right.
It helps them develop

the creative part
of their brain.

I don’t know where
Jennifer came up
with Furfel.

He’s this wonderful
purple dragon with wings.

He goes through walls,
and he sleeps in
a cookie jar.

( laughs )
I know.

We give Dougie here
free reign, too.

Dougie? You have
an imaginary
friend, too,

don’t you, honey?

Uh, yeah.
Tell us about him.

Well, gee, uh...

he’s just a friend
I have.

Yeah?
What does he
look like?

Uh, I don’t know.

Kind of like a guy.

Well...can he
do anything?

Uh...

he, you know, just sort of
hangs out with me,

watches TV,
sleeps when I do.

I named Furfel
after the country
he came from--

Furfelonia.

Back there, he lived
in a green cave with
five monkeys

that he still goes
back and visits
every Easter.

( laughter )

Come on, Dougie.
I pet your pal
has a funny name.

Um...no.

He’s just--just a guy.

We’d better
get going, honey.
Yeah, right.

Jennifer,
get your coat.

Thank you
so much, Beverly.

It was wonderful.

Sure.

Bye-bye.

See you on Monday,
huh, Bill?

Thanks.

Hey, sorry about
your kid’s friend.

Maybe Doug’s just
a little tired, huh?

Yeah, yeah, maybe.

Well, good night.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Hold up a second
there, son.

Is that all there is
to your imaginary friend?

Uh, yeah, I guess.

"I guess"? "I think"?

Come on, Doug,
we both know you can
do better than that.

What do you mean?

What your father
is trying to say

is that he doesn’t
think you are really
using your imagination.

I don’t enjoy
looking stupid, Doug.

Now, Bill, please.

We just think that
maybe you can try
a little harder

to come up with
an imaginary friend
we can all be proud of.

But I like
my friend.

Son...go up
to your room

and think of
a new one now!

( sighs ) Yes, sir.

Good night.

"Just some guy." Jeez!

Yeah, Dad?

Your mother and I
were wondering

how you were
coming along

with your new
imaginary friend.

Oh, right.

Well?

Uh, okay.

He’s this
really old guy.

Really?
Yeah.

And, uh, he really
likes music,

especially
romantic stuff.

Well, that’s good, Doug.
What else?

Well, uh, he was born
in Bonn, Germany,

and he learned
to play the piano
at a very early age.

He composes a lot
of symphonies,

but it’s hard
now that he’s going deaf.

But in his
third symphony--
Eroica--

a tribute to Napoleon--

Doug, your friend sounds
a lot like Beethoven.

And here we thought
you were finally using
your encyclopedia

for your schoolwork.

Now, you listen here,
mister--

you go up to your room
and you cough up a decent
imaginary friend!

The competition’s
in three days!

Competition?!
That’s right!

And you’re going to
bury those other kids.

*

And so, to sum it up,

my imaginary friend,
Mr. Doilywipple,

is not just
an 8’9" aardvark who
lives in a rain cloud,

he’s also a singer,
a time traveler,

and a rare coin buff
with a fascinating
imaginary genealogy.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jose.

Mr. Doilywipple is one
of the most stimulating
imaginary friends

I’ve met tonight.

I just hope he doesn’t
put magic powder
in myice cream.

( laughter )

Okay, now it’s time
for our last contestant,

so please give
a warm welcome
to Doug Menler.

He’d better not
let me down.

Uh, my imaginary friend
is different from all
the others here tonight...

because...

well, he’s my dad.

You see,

I used to have
an imaginary friend.

He wasn’t anything
real fancy,

but he was mine.

But I guess that wasn’t
good enough for my dad.

He wanted me
to dump my buddy

just to make
the neighbors happy.

So, now...

instead of my dad
being my real friend,

I have to settle for him
being my imaginary friend.

Bo-o-o-oring!

What’s your point?

I just want my dad to know
that I love him very much.

And I think together,
we can--

This sucks!
( booing )

All right, Doug!
You better come up

with an imaginary
character right now,

or you’ll have
hell to pay!

Uh...

my, uh--

my imaginary friend’s
name is, uh...

Mike.

Uh, yeah.

Mike, um--

Mike Podium.

Yeah. His name
is Mike Podium,

and he comes
from, uh...

Auditoriumville.

He likes all kinds
of foods,

but his favorite thing
to eat is, um...

emergency exits.

And his two
best friends are...

a basketball hoop
and a--

a row of fold-up chairs.

That’s my boy!

Roger. We are T-minus
ten seconds and counting.

Nine, eight,
seven, six--

Wait a minute!
Hold it!

What’s the matter?

That’s Lassie
out there!

Stop the countdown!
Stop it! Stop!

What makes you think
it’s Lassie?

It could just be
a regular collie,
right?

Are you willing
to take that chance?

Hey, she’s leaving.

Okay, good, good.

All right,
let’s proceed with
the countdown.

Ten, nine, eight--

Hold it, hold it!
What? What is it now?

Look!
It’s Jessica McClure!

The little girl
that fell down the well!

Stop the launch!
Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Hey, you know who
that is with her?

No, who?
That’s Mary Whitmore--

the little girl
who fell down a well
in the 1940s!

Well, it’s a good thing
we stopped the launch.
Yeah, yeah.

I wouldn’t want
to be known as the guy

who killed the two people
who fell down wells.

Me, either.

Okay, good, good.
Okay.

All right, okay.
They’re gone.

Let’s resume
the countdown.

Hey! Hey, look!
It’s Hitler!

You’re right!

Boy, he looks old!

Yeah, but I’d still
like to fry him.

Wait. Wait.

He’s holding
the Mona Lisa.

Oh, no!

Stop the countdown!
Stop!

How did Hitler get
the Mona Lisa?

No telling.

Oh, look,
he’s leaving now.

Let’s hurry up
and launch

before something
else happens.

Right. T-minus...

ten, nine, eight--

Wait, wait!

Wait!

It’s Dan Quayle and
Mikhail Gorbachev!

Now what do we do?

I don’t know.
This is a tough one.

I guess we’d better
stop the launch.

Yeah...I guess.

Stop countdown.
Stop.

Okay. They’re gone.
All right.

But now look
who’s out there!

The Invisible Man!

Where?!

( laughs )
No, I was just kidding.

It was a joke.

But I’ll tell you
who isout there.

It’s Donald
and Ivana Trump!

( alarm ringing )

*

Thank you very much.
I hope you enjoyed the show.

I want to thank the band,
Technotronic,

the cast and crew.
Everybody, you’ve been great.

Thanks for a great week.