Original subtitles

( intercom buzzes )

Yes?

Mr. Trump? Yes?

Mrs. Trump is here to see you.

Send her in.

Hello, Ivana.

Hello, Donald.

You know, I’m surprised to see you.

I didn’t think we had anything to talk about.

( laughs ) Oh... I think we do, Donald.

You see, I have no intention

of settling for $25 million.

Well, darling, I’m afraid you’ll have to.

You did sign a prenuptial agreement.

A contract doesn’t worry me.

I’ll fight it.

Well, you’re welcome to try.

But Section 1 clearly states-- and I quote--

"In the event of a divorce,

"the party of the second part-- Mrs. Ivana Trump--

"will receive $25 million.

"Under no circumstances and at no time and in no country

may she request more."

This is your signature and thumbprint, isn’t it?

Yes, of course, you know it is.

But that contract is invalid!

You have a mistress, Donald!

Okay. I must remind you, Ivana,

that, according to Section 5, Paragraph 2,

I’m allowed to have mistresses,

provided they are younger than you.

Ohh, Donald, do you actually think

that I’m to take this lying down?

Well...

in Section 5, you did agree

to, quote, "take this lying down"

and, quote, "let me walk all over you."

And then-- where is it?

Oh, yeah. Quote, "thank me and ask for more."

Okay, Donald.

Okay, you win. I’ll take the 25 million.

But you had better believe

that I’m going to get every cent.

Yes, as long as you’re aware

that you will be paid in the giant stone coins of the Yapp islanders.

Let’s see that. It can’t say that!

I got it from Ripley’s Believe It or Not.

Okay, Donald. But you just wait until I write my book. Ha ha!

I should tell you that all the sordid details of this divorce

are my property

and will be incorporated into my board game.

( sobbing )

Donald!

You know, Ivana, in a way, I’m disappointed.

I really thought beating you

would be much more of a challenge.

It was so easy.

( sobbing )

I mean, do you realize how badly you’ve been beaten?

You were easier than Merv.

I mean, think of it-- here you are,

the mother of my children,

a partner in my business,

and you’re getting so little!

I’m sorry, Donald. I’m sorry.

Look, Ivana, let’s make this interesting.

I’ll give you a double-or-nothing proposition.

Double or nothing?

You’ve got two seconds. Okay, okay.

Find the red Queen.

Find the red Queen. You know what I mean.

There she is. Now, where’d she go?

Keep your eye on the lady, and then you’ll know.

It’s a red Queen. You know what I mean.

Find the lady, and you’ll get the green.

Ohh.

Okay, that one, that one.

Oh, too bad, you lose. Nothing for you.

( intercom buzzes )

Yes?

Mr. Trump, you wanted me to remind you

about the "Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night."

Oh, yeah. Live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Aerosmith.

And starring Tom Hanks.

*

Hi! Welcome to McDonald’s in Red Square--

newest home of Big Mac.

My name is Ludmila, and I’m here to tell you about special offer.

Is called Happy Meal.

For limited time only,

with purchase of Quarter-pounder, fries and Coke,

or six-piece Chicken McNugget, fries and Coke,

you get special gift!

Bar of soap.

Or spool of thread.

Or needle.

Or toilet paper!

Collect all four. Trade with friends.

So, stop on by.

Free parking at Lenin’s Tomb.

Come, enjoy Happy Meal and free gift at McDonald’s.

Good times, great tastes...

soap!

ANNOUNCER: Offer good while supplies last.

Moscow location temporarily out of thread and soap.

You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois, Community Access Channel.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host, Wayne Campbell.

Party! Party hardy!

Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, Mom! I’m doing a show, okay?

Sorry, Wayne. Just doing a load of whites.

On with the show. Hi, Garth.

Wayne, I honestly don’t understand

how you manage to get everything you eat

on the front of your T-shirts.

Mom, this is fascinating for everyone, all right?

Myself--I’m enthralled.

Can you go, please?

All right, I get it. I’m good enough to do your laundry,

but not good enough to be on...

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

Good call, Mom. I think you have a firm grasp

of our relationship.

All right. Sorry about that.

Okay, before we begin,

let me tell you that we have a very special Wayne’s Worldthis week.

Garth’s cousin Barry is a cousin for Aerosmith.

And guess what? They’re gonna be on the show.

Ohh! I can’t believe they’re actually here!

Ohh! Ohh!

Come on, Garth, don’t go squirrelly on me.

I’m counting on you, man.

The only thing is, though,

that I have to promise to have Barry on as a guest.

So, here he is-- Garth’s cousin,

who’s a roadie for Aerosmith--Barry.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to Wayne’s World,Barry.

Hi, Wayne. Hi.

Hi. You know Garth, of course, right?

Hi, Garth. Hey, Barry.

Hey, good work on getting Aerosmith on the show, man.

I told them that Wayne’s World was good

for promoting their upcoming gig at the Aurora Civic Center,

and, uh, they went for it.

Okay, now, Aerosmith’s definitely here, right?

Yeah, yeah. They’re upstairs

in the kitchen, sitting right at the table.

You mean they’re up there at the breakfast nook?

Aerosmith is in my breakfast nook?

Excellent! All right! Excellent!

All right, let’s go to the nook-cam.

* Nook-cam, nook-cam, party time, excellent *

All right!

The Nook-cam. There they are-- Aerosmith.

This is amazing!

There’s Joe Kramer, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry,

Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford!

Aerosmith is sitting

where I eat my Nut ’n Honey every day.

Ohh, man! They’re actually here!

I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!

Stop! Garth!

Garth, take your Ritalin, man.

Take your Ritalin. Jeez!

All right, Barry, you’re a roadie, right?

It must be chick central for you.

Yeah, you must be a citizen of Babe-ylon.

Well, yeah, uh, we get our share of the babes.

But we don’t have a lot of time,

and there’s a lot of people to consider.

There’s the band, the sound guys,

the lighting crew, the management,

the tour coordinators, record company people, security,

and then, of course, us--the roadies.

Okay, so, what you’re saying

is that roadies are the bottom-feeders

in the great babe food chain.

Right?

That is not what I’m saying, Wayne.

Come on, there’s a ton of chicks

who’d rather go out with the roadies than with the band.

Yeah, right!

And later on, monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Yeah, right.

Okay, let’s see what’s happening upstairs on the Nook-cam.

Oh, no! Oh, no! My mom’s there!

She’s talking to Aerosmith! I’m dying a death!

She’s gonna say something stupid.

Oh, no, this is brutal!

No, no! They’re leaving!

She’s making them take the house tour! The walk of shame!

Garth, go! My mom must be stopped.

Use violence if necessary. Excellent!

Okay, Barry, you’re gonna do a little demonstration

of what you do on stage, yeah?

Okay, what I do is make sure everyone’s got their Evian.

I tune their guitars. And I bring them out on stage.

And I step the mics, and I make sure their scarves

are always in the right place.

And then--the most important thing-- do the sound check.

Check, check, check one.

Check. Sibilance. Sibilance.

Check, check. Check two.

Sibilance. Sibilance.

That’s great. Hey, did you get her to stop?

Yeah, I stopped her. Okay, great.

Anyways, Barry, that was really interesting.

Not!

Okay, look...

I honored my part of the contract,

so bring Aerosmith on.

Yeah. All right, excellent.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Aerosmith.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

Oh, yeah! You’re gods!

( overlapping chatter )

Whoo! Okay!

Welcome to Wayne’s World, O mighty ones.

Hi, Wayne. Hi, Garth. Thanks for having us.

Oh. Wayne, I’m so excited.

I think I’m gonna hurl!

Hey!

Garth, get it together, man. Don’t hurl.

’Cause if you hurl and I catch a whiff of it,

I’m gonna spew.

All right? And if I blow chunks,

chances are someone else is gonna honk, okay?

And that’s gonna set off a peristaltic chain reaction.

Okay, sorry about that. Make yourselves comfortable.

Welcome. It’s party central. But I just gotta say,

I think you guys are the greatest band in the world.

Without a doubt! Without a doubt!

Whoo!

Garth...

Aerosmith are here.

Waaah! Waaah!

Okay, we had a lot of people--

we told them that you guys were gonna be on the show.

They had a lot of questions.

So, here are the top three questions they had for Aerosmith.

Question number one--

is it true you guys don’t do drugs or alcohol anymore?

Yeah, that’s right. No drugs, no alcohol. Feels great.

No way. Way.

No way!

Way! Okay, okay.

Garth, go ahead-- next question.

Next question is for Steven.

Okay. Are those really your lips,

or are they lip implants

like Barbara Hershey had in the movie Beaches?

Brbrbrbrbrbr! They’re mine, man!

Bitchin’! Bitchin’ lips!

The Lip-meister. Okay.

With the recent developments in Eastern Europe,

do you think that communism is on the decline,

or is this just a temporary setback?

Well, man, that’s a hard question.

But I would have to respond with a qualified yes.

Although it seems that socialism is in repose,

until you remove the Stalinist-era party apparatchiks...

there will be no real change in the Soviet Union.

No, I disagree, man. There’s never been a blueprint

for the dictatorship of the proletariat.

So, there’s bound to be mistakes.

However, if you study history,

you’ll see that, since the rise of the nation-state,

socialism has been an historical inevitability...dude.

Excellent! Excellent!

Okay, fascinating.

Okay, we’re just about out of time.

But it’s always been my fantasy to play with you guys.

And I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind

singing the Wayne’s World theme with me.

( all cheering )

Okay, let’s do it. All right.

Check, check one. Sibilance. Sibilance.

Check, check two. Sibilance.

Let’s do it.

All right, here we go.

One, two, one, two, three...

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time, it’s excellent *

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time, it’s excellent *

* Chicks go mental when we go down the street *

* It’s Wayne and Garth that they want to meet *

* We’re in the basement playing with our toys *

* And if you do not like it, you’re a sphincter boy *

* Aaah! Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time, it’s excellent *

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time, it’s excelle-e-e-ent *

Yeah, thank you! Thank you!

* Wayne’s World *

( song ends )

Good night! Party on!

( indistinct chatter )

*

ANNOUNCER: Tales of Ribaldry--

with your host, Evelyn Quince.

Tonight...

Hello-o-o-o!

And welcome to Tales of Ribaldry.

I’m your host, Evelyn Quince.

Tonight’s tale is the ribald adventure

of a lusty bootblack.

Oh, the dirty life of a bootblack--

trudging from village to village,

manor to manor,

polishing the boots of the gentry.

So boring, so lonely.

Don’t you believe it!

Not when two voluptuous ladies are coming to call.

And we’re invited to watch.

Let’s!

*

Ah. Four and twenty pair.

At a copper apiece.

Fine leg of mutton will be my supper.

I’ve more boots for you, bootblack,

and they’re in goodly need of a shine.

Well--

Wait, wench!

I’ll have them done for you in a trice.

All right.

But do nothing to arouse me,

because I am a randy wench,

and my mistress trusts me not.

If she sees I’m gone, she’ll find us together

and give me a harsh tongue-scolding.

We-e-e-ell...

her mind seems to be on his work.

And who can blame her?

There’s nothing like the slap of the cloth against the boot

to make one feel randy! Indeed!

Ohh. The scent of the polish is intoxicating.

There are but two things

that intoxicate me.

Your lips...

and your ample bosom.

Ohh.

Oooooh!

Ohh.

( knock on door )

WOMAN: Olivia!

Oh, no! My mistress!

Oh, bootblack! Hide me!

WOMAN: Bootblack, open this door at once!

Here, under these pillows!

Hide under these pillows and fur pelts.

So, at last I meet the vagabond bootblack--

the only man who can shine my husband’s boots

to a mirror-like finish.

I must see those powerful arms and wrists.

Remove your shirt.

Lady Smythe, there’s a chill.

Remove it!

( gasping )

And now, bootblack...

polish a boot...

for me.

( moaning )

Faster. Faster!

Oh. What you must think of me.

I’ve been so naughty.

I don’t care! I like it!

Our bootblack is treading a titillating tightrope,

and we have a ringside seat!

Oh, this is hilariously precarious!

Rickety-chancey, concupus and rungdoo!

Dangerous sex! Dangerous sex!

Oh, why isn’t there a single word for "dangerous sex"?

( moaning )

Stop! I can take it no longer!

It’s unbearably hot under those pelts!

Why, bootblack, I see that the master’s footwear

isn’t the only thing you’ve buffed to a high gloss.

What?

You know what I mean.

Odd remark from one so close to being in the buff herself!

Rrreow! Hsssss!

Uh, please, please! Please, please!

Ladies, ladies, don’t.

How much better to resolve our differences through understanding?

Let’s--Let’s just have three-way sex.

Well, this won’t do.

My delicious catfight has turned to simple fornication.

Where’s the danger? Oh, forget them. Just forget them!

Join me next week for the especially ribald tale

of the false eunuch in the harem

of a Bessarabian sheik.

I hope he keeps his hands to himself.

I can’t wait. Until then, I’m Evelyn Quince.

Good-bye, everybody! Good-bye!

*

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

President Bush went to Cartagena, Colombia, Thursday

for a drug summit with South American leaders.

As he left Air Force One in Cartagena,

he said he saw no visible evidence of a drug problem in Colombia,

but then had to think fast, as members of the Medellín drug cartel

attempted to crush him to death

with a 620-pound chunk of hashish.

While much progress was made at the drug summit in Cartagena this week,

there was none of the standard toasting

that goes on after such events,

because everyone was afraid to ask the locals

to break out the good stuff.

In order to get his normal eight hours’ sleep Wednesday,

President Bush spent the night on a grounded Air Force One

before its pre-dawn departure for the Cartagena drug summit.

White House spokesman Marlin Fitzwater

said the President’s experience has been that he can sleep right through takeoff.

I guess that would explain the first 100 days in office, huh, George?

Security in Cartagena was so great

that Bush resorted to extensive disguise techniques.

Hoping to cash in on the success of The Who and The Rolling Stones,

the original members of Menudo announced

they would begin a world tour in Colombia.

Yesterday, after returning from Colombia,

jetlagged President Bush completely forgot how to applaud.

And to cover the domestic front of the drug wars,

we’ve sent our totally self-contained

one-man mobile uplink unit into the field

with his 1.3-meter parabolic antenna.

Let’s go now live by satellite to New Jersey for Al’s report. Al?

( whispering ) Dennis, I can’t talk too loud.

I’m at a fishing wharf in southern New Jersey.

On the other side of these crates,

a huge cocaine transaction is going down.

I’m gonna pan and zoom in now

with Sony KV-2000,

which is mounted on my Steadicam harness,

so you can see the cocaine being offloaded

from a fishing boat.

These men are members of the infamous Medellín cartel,

known for its ruthless use of violence.

Amazing, Al-- a live cocaine delivery on national TV.

And all made possible by technology, Dennis.

Because I am a totally self-contained, one-man mobile uplink unit,

I am able to be here completely alone... Al--

beaming these pictures back up to a satellite...

and down to you. Al!

Yes, Dennis. They see you.

Really? That is not good.

I think right now--

( gunfire )

Al? Al? What--

I don’t know what to say.

Dennis! I’m running away

from the narco-terrorists right now!

The sheer weight of the equipment

makes it very painful!

But nothing compared to the actual fear!

Aah! Water! Water!

I’m jumping in the water! Whoa!

( splash )

You know, I don’t know if Al can swim in that gear,

but I do know this-- Al’s a survivor,

and if anyone can, Al can.

Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Marla Maples--

the woman rumored to be having an affair with Donald Trump.

Here we see Miss Maples pose provocatively

so as to highlight what is now commonly referred to as "Trump’s rump".

It’s rumored that when the divorce becomes final,

Mrs. Trump will leave the city and move back to Czechoslovakia

for a simpler country life.

When asked to comment on that rumor, Mrs. Trump said,

"New York is where I’d rather stay.

I get allergic smelling hay."

A stunning bit of advertising work this week

as the Apple Computer Company did the definitive ad,

proving that indeed anybody can use one of their computers.

In North Korea--

In North Korea yesterday, Defense Secretary Dick Cheney

watched North Korean military installations

across the demilitarized zones

during his frontline area tour.

Cheney said that the changes in Eastern Europe

would have an effect on North Korea.

Later, Cheney found out he’d been the victim of a cruel joke

by the North Koreans.

Nelson Mandela returned home this week

and within an hour was yelling at his neighbors to keep it down.

And the old saying "Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger"

was discredited this week by the New England Journal of Medicine.

According to new findings, whatever doesn’t kill you

messes you up for a long, long time,

and you’re lucky ever to get it together again.

And, in one of those delightful ironies of all time,

hundreds of thousands of Soviet citizens got together this week

and celebrated the fall of communism

by painting the town red.

One perfect day...

from a perfect poisoned French spring.

( laughs )

Since the--

Since the recall of Perrier water,

the Perrier people have come up with a possible solution to their problem--

simply a matter of redesigning.

The big story in Europe this week

is the possible reunification of East and West Germany.

As many of you recall, West Germany left East Germany in 1945

when it was discovered that East Germany was seeing model-actress Marla Maples.

And veteran entertainer Cab Calloway

attended a celebration this week at the Hard Rock Cafe

and was greeted by none other

than deposed P.T.L. leader Tammy Faye Bakker.

And George de Mestral-- who invented the Velcro fastener 50 years ago--

died last week at the age of 82.

He was buried near his home in Switzerland

with the appropriate headstone.

And the most heartwarming story

to come out of the NBA All-Star game for me

is that Atlanta forward Dominique Wilkins

continues to play despite his obvious physical infirmity.

And--

This photo was taken at the F.D.A.’s Rockville, Maryland, testing center,

where technician Donald Marlow is testing the strength

of a latex condom.

Sort of a wistful look on Donnie’s face there, huh?

And heavyweight champ Buster Douglas said this week

he’s in no rush to jump back into the ring with an enraged Mike Tyson,

and yesterday signed to fight this man

sometime in late July.

The New Kids on the Block this week posed for photographers

with their new line of New Kids on the Block dolls.

The dolls are incredibly lifelike and realistic,

except for one major difference--

the dolls play their own instruments.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

* Mr. Short-term Memory *

* He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree *

* Now there’s just no remedy *

* He’ll frustrate you so, but he’ll never know *

* ’Cause he’s Mr. Short-term Memory *

Hey, Bill, I came as soon as I heard about your leg.

Thank you, Jeff. I really appreciate that.

Appreciate what?

Well, that you came as soon as you heard.

Heard what?

I don’t like the tone of your voice.

Well, that I broke my leg.

Oh, no, Bill! That’s terrible!

How did that happen?

Okay, get this. We got all this snow last night.

So, I got the ladder out this morning,

and I was up on the roof sweeping the snow off with the broom.

The ladder slipped on some ice,

and bam! I went down, broke my leg.

What?! Oh, no! You broke your leg!

Bill, that’s terrible!

How did it happen?

I was on the roof, getting snow off with a broom,

and I fell.

Oh, my God! We gotta get you to a hospital!

Jeff! We’re in a hospital.

Well, then we gotta get you a nurse.

Nurse! Hello! Nurse? Nurse!

What’s the matter? What’s the matter?

We’ve just got a man with a broken leg her.

I was just here. What do you want me to do for him?

Do for who?

I’ll come back later.

So, Bill, it’s 2:00.

What the hell are you still doing in bed?

I, uh, broke my leg.

Oh, no! That’s awful!

Yeah, it is.

How did it happen? I fell.

That’s it? That’s it? You fell?

Come on, there’s gotta be more to it than that.

Okay, I was up on the roof, cleaning snow off,

when the ladder slipped, and--

Hey, look, pal... I’ve got my troubles, too.

I don’t go telling them to every stranger I meet.

Jeff, it’s me--Bill.

Oh, Bill! Oh, no! This is terrible!

Could we get a nurse for this person?

Nurse! Hello? Nurse!

What’s the matter? What’s the matter? Hello there!

I thought you might like to meet your patient.

Nurse, patient. Patient, nurse.

Now that I’ve broken the ice,

maybe you two won’t be such strangers.

Look, sir, I’m really busy,

and I’d appreciate it if you would quit calling me.

Well, I would appreciate it

if you didn’t keep interrupting us.

Well, Jeff, thanks for visiting me--

your friend Bill-- in the hospital

because of my broken leg.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, no problem.

Hey, Bill, these are--

these are really beautiful flowers.

I guess I should’ve brought you something.

Jeff...didn’t you bring me those flowers?

Uh...yeah. Yeah, I sure did.

I brought you those flowers Bill.

I sure did. That was me.

Hey, Jeff...

could you do me a favor? Pull that screen around.

I need to use my bedpan.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Oh, thanks. I appreciate this, Jeff.

Bill? Bill, is that you that just called me?

Bill-- Oh, my God, Bill, you lazy slob!

Get up and use the bathroom!

I can’t! I broke my leg!

Oh, no! This is terrible!

My buddy broke his leg!

Don’t worry, I’m gonna get you some help!

9-1-1!

Hello? Hello? This is an emergency.

My friend’s hurt, and I’ve gotta get him to a hospital.

What? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Why are you telling me this?

Then why did you call me?

I didn’t--

Some crank. So, Bill--

Hey, it is 2:30. Rise and shine, sleepy-head!

Keep it down, Jeff. You’re in a hospital.

I’m in a hospital?

Oh, no. What’s wrong with me?

There’s nothing wrong with you!

Don’t patronize me. I have a right to know.

Why is everyone walking on eggshells?!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

You have done nothing but bother me--

You just give it to me straight. Am I dying?

Of course you’re not dying.

I’m--Ohh! Happy day!

Happy day! Ha ha! I’m not gonna die!

Do you hear that, world?! I’m not gonna die!

I’m gonna live! Ha ha!

I’m gonna live!

And I’m gonna make every second count.

I’m sorry. He was hit by a pear.

Bill? Bill Tucker?

Bill! I came as soon as I heard about your leg.

* He’ll win you yet *

* And then he’ll forget *

* ’Cause he’s Mr. Short-term Memory *

ANNOUNCER: Jensen Syringe Company--

serving the medical community for over 45 years.

Oh, yes!

Yes indeed!

A cruise ship for elderly singles.

Brother, we are gonna score big-time.

You said it. Nothing but lonely old babes,

living on fixed-incomes

and starved for companionship.

Oh, yes. I do believe we have found the right angle.

Well, well... Let the games commence.

Hello.

And good-bye.

Ooh, strike one.

Not lonely enough.

You said it.

Still, I’ve got to like our chances.

I do agree.

The ladies outnumber the men three to one.

And we’re competing against guys

with scant bladder control.

You should talk, amigo.

Whoa! Silver-haired siren at 3 o’clock.

This one’s mine.

Welcome aboard.

And bon voyage.

Oh, yes.

Granny no likey.

Too true.

Yep, this double chin took care of that.

Too bad. She could have taught us so much

in the ways of love.

Then again, we’re a blank slate.

You said it, hombre.

Any information would be most appreciated.

Ooh, what have we here?

Oh, yes. A frosty delight.

Mmm.

Hello!

Wow!

How repulsive we must be!

She couldn’t even make us out,

but some sixth sense told her

of our screaming inadequacies.

You know it. Even in hazy focus,

this nose o’ mine is a frightening vision.

These close-set eyes added spice to that brew.

I don’t know what’s sadder--

this continued rejection,

or the thought of actually scoring with women this old.

I thought we agreed we weren’t going to think about that.

Oh, yeah. Ooh la la.

A blue-haired beauty.

The pleasure’s all mine.

And so’s the pain.

Oh, yes.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

You know it.

Rock bottom! Rock bottom!

No place to go but up.

Unless we stay right here.

( sighs )

We are in hell.

Oh, yes.

Mighty bleak.

Frank was a wonderful husband,

but he wasn’t much of a businessman.

When he died, he left me and the kids

with a shaky business and a mountain of bills.

I needed help, but everyone had turned me down.

Then a friend suggested I join the mob.

At first, I thought... the mob isn’t interested in a flower shop.

And besides, I’m Presbyterian.

People think they can’t come to us

because their business is too small.

We built our name on small business/

Banks, insurance companies-- they’re fine.

But we’ve got a lot of financial maneuvers

they’ve never even heard of.

It was so easy. There was no paperwork,

no signatures.

Just a handshake, and I was in.

And then they gave me their exclusive list of suppliers and clients.

Suddenly I felt like I had connections.

We’re a people company.

We put people together.

You sell flowers-- restaurants need flowers,

hotels need flowers, escort services need flowers.

The mob’s financial team plans everything for me--

from my long-term investments

to starting each day off with a fresh drawer full of cash.

We’re a full-service organization,

and we like to keep the money moving.

For a small monthly premium,

I’m enrolled the Group Protection Plan.

Now, that’s peace of mind.

The little flower shop on the corner--

well, it was just one fire after another.

I’m glad the mob is there for me.

The big financial institutions make you a lot of promises,

but we actually make things happen.

To them, you’re just another client.

To us, you’re family.

*

Jensen syringes.

They’re not meant to be used as darts,

but they’re that good.

NBC is proud to present another Black History Moment.

And now, Andy Rooney.

February’s Black History Month

in this great multicultural nation of ours.

I think I know just a little bit about history

because, at the moment, I amhistory.

But did you know that George Washington Carver-- a black man--

introduced the cultivation of peanuts to America?

He also invented peanut butter.

He was a wonderful man.

And did you ever notice how peanut butter

tastes better on dark bread?

Dark beer is better, too.

And black bean soup is much better than white bean.

Dark is just better.

And black is best.

I’m Andy Rooney, and I like black people.

I really do.

It’s fags I hate.

*

I want to thank Aerosmith. I want to thank you all.

I want to thank Bernie Nicholls.

I love you, baby! Good night!

It was a great show! He shoots, he scores!