All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E13.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

( intercom buzzes )

Yes?

Mr. Trump?
Yes?

Mrs. Trump
is here to
see you.

Send her in.

Hello, Ivana.

Hello, Donald.

You know, I’m surprised
to see you.

I didn’t think we had
anything to talk about.

( laughs ) Oh...
I think we do, Donald.

You see,
I have no intention

of settling
for $25 million.

Well, darling,
I’m afraid you’ll
have to.

You did sign
a prenuptial
agreement.

A contract
doesn’t worry me.

I’ll fight it.

Well, you’re
welcome to try.

But Section 1
clearly states--
and I quote--

"In the event
of a divorce,

"the party of
the second part--
Mrs. Ivana Trump--

"will receive
$25 million.

"Under no circumstances
and at no time
and in no country

may she request more."

This is your signature
and thumbprint,
isn’t it?

Yes, of course,
you know it is.

But that contract
is invalid!

You have a mistress,
Donald!

Okay. I must
remind you, Ivana,

that, according to
Section 5, Paragraph 2,

I’m allowed
to have mistresses,

provided they are
younger than you.

Ohh, Donald,
do you actually think

that I’m to take this
lying down?

Well...

in Section 5,
you did agree

to, quote,
"take this lying down"

and, quote, "let me
walk all over you."

And then--
where is it?

Oh, yeah. Quote,
"thank me and ask
for more."

Okay, Donald.

Okay, you win.
I’ll take the 25 million.

But you had
better believe

that I’m going
to get every cent.

Yes, as long
as you’re aware

that you will be paid
in the giant stone coins
of the Yapp islanders.

Let’s see that.
It can’t say that!

I got it
from Ripley’s
Believe It or Not.

Okay, Donald.
But you just wait until
I write my book. Ha ha!

I should tell you that
all the sordid details
of this divorce

are my property

and will be incorporated
into my board game.

( sobbing )

Donald!

You know,
Ivana, in a way,
I’m disappointed.

I really thought
beating you

would be much more
of a challenge.

It was so easy.

( sobbing )

I mean, do you
realize how badly
you’ve been beaten?

You were easier
than Merv.

I mean, think of it--
here you are,

the mother
of my children,

a partner
in my business,

and you’re getting
so little!

I’m sorry, Donald.
I’m sorry.

Look, Ivana, let’s
make this interesting.

I’ll give you
a double-or-nothing
proposition.

Double or nothing?

You’ve got two seconds.
Okay, okay.

Find the red Queen.

Find the red Queen.
You know what I mean.

There she is.
Now, where’d she go?

Keep your eye
on the lady,
and then you’ll know.

It’s a red Queen.
You know what I mean.

Find the lady, and
you’ll get the green.

Ohh.

Okay, that one,
that one.

Oh, too bad, you lose.
Nothing for you.

( intercom buzzes )

Yes?

Mr. Trump, you wanted
me to remind you

about the
"Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night."

Oh, yeah.
Live from New York,

it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

Mike Myers...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken.

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Aerosmith.

And starring Tom Hanks.

*

Hi! Welcome to McDonald’s
in Red Square--

newest home of Big Mac.

My name is Ludmila,
and I’m here to tell you
about special offer.

Is called Happy Meal.

For limited time only,

with purchase of
Quarter-pounder,
fries and Coke,

or six-piece Chicken McNugget,
fries and Coke,

you get special gift!

Bar of soap.

Or spool of thread.

Or needle.

Or toilet paper!

Collect all four.
Trade with friends.

So, stop on by.

Free parking
at Lenin’s Tomb.

Come, enjoy Happy Meal
and free gift at McDonald’s.

Good times, great tastes...

soap!

ANNOUNCER: Offer good
while supplies last.

Moscow location temporarily
out of thread and soap.

You are watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois,
Community Access Channel.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Welcome
to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host,
Wayne Campbell.

Party! Party hardy!

Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30,
it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always,
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.

Whoo!
Whoo!

Hey, Mom! I’m doing
a show, okay?

Sorry, Wayne.
Just doing a load
of whites.

On with the show.
Hi, Garth.

Wayne, I honestly
don’t understand

how you manage to get
everything you eat

on the front of
your T-shirts.

Mom, this is fascinating
for everyone, all right?

Myself--I’m enthralled.

Can you go, please?

All right, I get it.
I’m good enough
to do your laundry,

but not good enough
to be on...

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

Good call, Mom.
I think you have
a firm grasp

of our relationship.

All right.
Sorry about that.

Okay, before we begin,

let me tell you that
we have a very special
Wayne’s Worldthis week.

Garth’s cousin Barry
is a cousin for Aerosmith.

And guess what?
They’re gonna be
on the show.

Ohh! I can’t believe
they’re actually here!

Ohh! Ohh!

Come on, Garth, don’t
go squirrelly on me.

I’m counting
on you, man.

The only thing is,
though,

that I have to promise
to have Barry on
as a guest.

So, here he is--
Garth’s cousin,

who’s a roadie
for Aerosmith--Barry.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to
Wayne’s World,Barry.

Hi, Wayne. Hi.

Hi. You know Garth,
of course, right?

Hi, Garth.
Hey, Barry.

Hey, good work on
getting Aerosmith
on the show, man.

I told them that
Wayne’s World was good

for promoting
their upcoming gig at
the Aurora Civic Center,

and, uh, they went for it.

Okay, now, Aerosmith’s
definitely here, right?

Yeah, yeah.
They’re upstairs

in the kitchen,
sitting right at the table.

You mean
they’re up there at
the breakfast nook?

Aerosmith is in
my breakfast nook?

Excellent! All right!
Excellent!

All right, let’s go
to the nook-cam.

* Nook-cam, nook-cam,
party time, excellent *

All right!

The Nook-cam.
There they are--
Aerosmith.

This is amazing!

There’s Joe Kramer,
Steven Tyler, Joe Perry,

Tom Hamilton
and Brad Whitford!

Aerosmith is sitting

where I eat my
Nut ’n Honey every day.

Ohh, man! They’re
actually here!

I’m not worthy!
I’m not worthy!

Stop! Garth!

Garth, take
your Ritalin, man.

Take your Ritalin.
Jeez!

All right, Barry,
you’re a roadie, right?

It must be
chick central for you.

Yeah, you must
be a citizen
of Babe-ylon.

Well, yeah, uh,
we get our share
of the babes.

But we don’t have
a lot of time,

and there’s a lot of
people to consider.

There’s the band,
the sound guys,

the lighting crew,
the management,

the tour coordinators,
record company people,
security,

and then, of course,
us--the roadies.

Okay, so,
what you’re saying

is that roadies are
the bottom-feeders

in the great babe
food chain.

Right?

That is not what
I’m saying, Wayne.

Come on, there’s
a ton of chicks

who’d rather go out
with the roadies
than with the band.

Yeah, right!

And later on,
monkeys might fly
out of my butt.

Yeah, right.

Okay, let’s see what’s
happening upstairs
on the Nook-cam.

Oh, no! Oh, no!
My mom’s there!

She’s talking
to Aerosmith!
I’m dying a death!

She’s gonna say
something stupid.

Oh, no,
this is brutal!

No, no!
They’re leaving!

She’s making them
take the house tour!
The walk of shame!

Garth, go! My mom
must be stopped.

Use violence
if necessary.
Excellent!

Okay, Barry,
you’re gonna do
a little demonstration

of what you do
on stage, yeah?

Okay, what I do is
make sure everyone’s
got their Evian.

I tune their guitars.
And I bring them
out on stage.

And I step the mics,
and I make sure
their scarves

are always
in the right place.

And then--the most
important thing--
do the sound check.

Check, check,
check one.

Check. Sibilance.
Sibilance.

Check, check.
Check two.

Sibilance.
Sibilance.

That’s great.
Hey, did you
get her to stop?

Yeah, I stopped her.
Okay, great.

Anyways, Barry,
that was really
interesting.

Not!

Okay, look...

I honored my part
of the contract,

so bring Aerosmith on.

Yeah.
All right,
excellent.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I bring you Aerosmith.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

Oh, yeah!
You’re gods!

( overlapping chatter )

Whoo!
Okay!

Welcome to
Wayne’s World,
O mighty ones.

Hi, Wayne. Hi, Garth.
Thanks for having us.

Oh. Wayne,
I’m so excited.

I think
I’m gonna hurl!

Hey!

Garth, get it
together, man.
Don’t hurl.

’Cause if you hurl
and I catch
a whiff of it,

I’m gonna spew.

All right?
And if I blow chunks,

chances are someone else
is gonna honk, okay?

And that’s gonna
set off a peristaltic
chain reaction.

Okay, sorry about that.
Make yourselves
comfortable.

Welcome.
It’s party central.
But I just gotta say,

I think you guys
are the greatest band
in the world.

Without a doubt!
Without a doubt!

Whoo!

Garth...

Aerosmith are here.

Waaah!
Waaah!

Okay, we had
a lot of people--

we told them
that you guys were
gonna be on the show.

They had a lot
of questions.

So, here are the top
three questions
they had for Aerosmith.

Question number one--

is it true you guys
don’t do drugs
or alcohol anymore?

Yeah, that’s right.
No drugs, no alcohol.
Feels great.

No way.
Way.

No way!

Way!
Okay, okay.

Garth, go ahead--
next question.

Next question
is for Steven.

Okay. Are those
really your lips,

or are they
lip implants

like Barbara Hershey
had in the movie
Beaches?

Brbrbrbrbrbr!
They’re mine, man!

Bitchin’!
Bitchin’ lips!

The Lip-meister.
Okay.

With the recent
developments in
Eastern Europe,

do you think
that communism
is on the decline,

or is this just
a temporary setback?

Well, man, that’s
a hard question.

But I would have to respond
with a qualified yes.

Although it seems
that socialism is in repose,

until you remove
the Stalinist-era
party apparatchiks...

there will be no real change
in the Soviet Union.

No, I disagree, man.
There’s never been
a blueprint

for the dictatorship
of the proletariat.

So, there’s bound
to be mistakes.

However, if you
study history,

you’ll see that,
since the rise of
the nation-state,

socialism has
been an historical
inevitability...dude.

Excellent!
Excellent!

Okay, fascinating.

Okay, we’re just
about out of time.

But it’s always been
my fantasy to play
with you guys.

And I was wondering
if you wouldn’t mind

singing the Wayne’s World
theme with me.

( all cheering )

Okay, let’s do it.
All right.

Check, check one.
Sibilance. Sibilance.

Check, check two.
Sibilance.

Let’s do it.

All right, here we go.

One, two,
one, two, three...

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time,
it’s excellent *

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time,
it’s excellent *

* Chicks go mental
when we go down the street *

* It’s Wayne and Garth
that they want to meet *

* We’re in the basement
playing with our toys *

* And if you do not like it,
you’re a sphincter boy *

* Aaah! Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time,
it’s excellent *

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* It’s party time,
it’s excelle-e-e-ent *

Yeah, thank you!
Thank you!

* Wayne’s World *

( song ends )

Good night!
Party on!

( indistinct chatter )

*

ANNOUNCER:
Tales of Ribaldry--

with your host,
Evelyn Quince.

Tonight...

Hello-o-o-o!

And welcome
to Tales of Ribaldry.

I’m your host,
Evelyn Quince.

Tonight’s tale
is the ribald adventure

of a lusty bootblack.

Oh, the dirty life
of a bootblack--

trudging from
village to village,

manor to manor,

polishing the boots
of the gentry.

So boring, so lonely.

Don’t you believe it!

Not when two voluptuous ladies
are coming to call.

And we’re invited to watch.

Let’s!

*

Ah. Four
and twenty pair.

At a copper apiece.

Fine leg of mutton
will be my supper.

I’ve more boots
for you, bootblack,

and they’re
in goodly need
of a shine.

Well--

Wait, wench!

I’ll have them done
for you in a trice.

All right.

But do nothing
to arouse me,

because I am
a randy wench,

and my mistress
trusts me not.

If she sees
I’m gone, she’ll
find us together

and give me a harsh
tongue-scolding.

We-e-e-ell...

her mind seems to be
on his work.

And who can blame her?

There’s nothing like
the slap of the cloth
against the boot

to make one feel randy!
Indeed!

Ohh. The scent
of the polish
is intoxicating.

There are
but two things

that intoxicate me.

Your lips...

and your ample bosom.

Ohh.

Oooooh!

Ohh.

( knock on door )

WOMAN: Olivia!

Oh, no!
My mistress!

Oh, bootblack!
Hide me!

WOMAN: Bootblack,
open this door at once!

Here, under
these pillows!

Hide under these pillows
and fur pelts.

So, at last
I meet the vagabond
bootblack--

the only man
who can shine
my husband’s boots

to a mirror-like
finish.

I must see those
powerful arms
and wrists.

Remove your shirt.

Lady Smythe,
there’s a chill.

Remove it!

( gasping )

And now,
bootblack...

polish a boot...

for me.

( moaning )

Faster. Faster!

Oh. What you must
think of me.

I’ve been so naughty.

I don’t care!
I like it!

Our bootblack is treading
a titillating tightrope,

and we have
a ringside seat!

Oh, this is
hilariously precarious!

Rickety-chancey,
concupus and rungdoo!

Dangerous sex!
Dangerous sex!

Oh, why isn’t there
a single word for
"dangerous sex"?

( moaning )

Stop! I can
take it no longer!

It’s unbearably hot
under those pelts!

Why, bootblack, I see
that the master’s footwear

isn’t the only thing
you’ve buffed
to a high gloss.

What?

You know what I mean.

Odd remark from one
so close to being
in the buff herself!

Rrreow! Hsssss!

Uh, please, please!
Please, please!

Ladies, ladies, don’t.

How much better
to resolve our differences
through understanding?

Let’s--Let’s just have
three-way sex.

Well, this won’t do.

My delicious catfight has
turned to simple fornication.

Where’s the danger?
Oh, forget them.
Just forget them!

Join me next week
for the especially ribald tale

of the false eunuch
in the harem

of a Bessarabian sheik.

I hope he keeps
his hands to himself.

I can’t wait. Until then,
I’m Evelyn Quince.

Good-bye, everybody!
Good-bye!

*

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

President Bush went to
Cartagena, Colombia, Thursday

for a drug summit
with South American leaders.

As he left Air Force One
in Cartagena,

he said he saw
no visible evidence of
a drug problem in Colombia,

but then had to think fast,
as members of the Medellín
drug cartel

attempted to
crush him to death

with a 620-pound chunk
of hashish.

While much progress
was made at the drug summit
in Cartagena this week,

there was none of
the standard toasting

that goes on
after such events,

because everyone was afraid
to ask the locals

to break out the good stuff.

In order to get his normal
eight hours’ sleep Wednesday,

President Bush spent the night
on a grounded Air Force One

before its pre-dawn departure
for the Cartagena drug summit.

White House spokesman
Marlin Fitzwater

said the President’s experience
has been that he can sleep
right through takeoff.

I guess that would explain
the first 100 days in office,
huh, George?

Security in Cartagena
was so great

that Bush resorted to extensive
disguise techniques.

Hoping to cash in
on the success of The Who
and The Rolling Stones,

the original members
of Menudo announced

they would begin a world tour
in Colombia.

Yesterday, after returning
from Colombia,

jetlagged President Bush
completely forgot
how to applaud.

And to cover
the domestic front
of the drug wars,

we’ve sent our totally
self-contained

one-man mobile uplink unit
into the field

with his 1.3-meter
parabolic antenna.

Let’s go now live
by satellite to New Jersey
for Al’s report. Al?

( whispering )
Dennis, I can’t
talk too loud.

I’m at a fishing wharf
in southern New Jersey.

On the other side
of these crates,

a huge cocaine transaction
is going down.

I’m gonna pan
and zoom in now

with Sony KV-2000,

which is mounted on
my Steadicam harness,

so you can see
the cocaine being offloaded

from a fishing boat.

These men are members
of the infamous
Medellín cartel,

known for its ruthless
use of violence.

Amazing, Al--
a live cocaine delivery
on national TV.

And all made possible
by technology, Dennis.

Because I am a totally
self-contained, one-man
mobile uplink unit,

I am able to be here
completely alone...
Al--

beaming these pictures
back up to a satellite...

and down to you.
Al!

Yes, Dennis.
They see you.

Really?
That is not good.

I think right now--

( gunfire )

Al? Al? What--

I don’t know
what to say.

Dennis!
I’m running away

from the narco-terrorists
right now!

The sheer weight
of the equipment

makes it very painful!

But nothing compared
to the actual fear!

Aah! Water! Water!

I’m jumping
in the water! Whoa!

( splash )

You know, I don’t
know if Al can swim
in that gear,

but I do know this--
Al’s a survivor,

and if anyone can,
Al can.

Al Franken,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Marla Maples--

the woman rumored to be
having an affair with
Donald Trump.

Here we see Miss Maples
pose provocatively

so as to highlight what is
now commonly referred to
as "Trump’s rump".

It’s rumored that when
the divorce becomes final,

Mrs. Trump will leave the city
and move back to Czechoslovakia

for a simpler country life.

When asked to comment
on that rumor,
Mrs. Trump said,

"New York is where
I’d rather stay.

I get allergic
smelling hay."

A stunning bit of
advertising work this week

as the Apple Computer Company
did the definitive ad,

proving that indeed anybody
can use one of their computers.

In North Korea--

In North Korea yesterday,
Defense Secretary Dick Cheney

watched North Korean
military installations

across the demilitarized zones

during his frontline
area tour.

Cheney said that the changes
in Eastern Europe

would have an effect
on North Korea.

Later, Cheney found out
he’d been the victim
of a cruel joke

by the North Koreans.

Nelson Mandela
returned home this week

and within an hour
was yelling at his neighbors
to keep it down.

And the old saying
"Whatever doesn’t kill you
only makes you stronger"

was discredited this week
by the New England
Journal of Medicine.

According to new findings,
whatever doesn’t kill you

messes you up
for a long, long time,

and you’re lucky ever to
get it together again.

And, in one of those delightful
ironies of all time,

hundreds of thousands
of Soviet citizens
got together this week

and celebrated
the fall of communism

by painting the town red.

One perfect day...

from a perfect poisoned
French spring.

( laughs )

Since the--

Since the recall
of Perrier water,

the Perrier people have
come up with a possible
solution to their problem--

simply a matter
of redesigning.

The big story
in Europe this week

is the possible reunification
of East and West Germany.

As many of you recall,
West Germany left
East Germany in 1945

when it was discovered
that East Germany was seeing
model-actress Marla Maples.

And veteran entertainer
Cab Calloway

attended a celebration
this week at the Hard Rock Cafe

and was greeted
by none other

than deposed P.T.L. leader
Tammy Faye Bakker.

And George de Mestral--
who invented the Velcro
fastener 50 years ago--

died last week
at the age of 82.

He was buried near
his home in Switzerland

with the appropriate
headstone.

And the most
heartwarming story

to come out of
the NBA All-Star game for me

is that Atlanta forward
Dominique Wilkins

continues to play
despite his obvious
physical infirmity.

And--

This photo was taken at the
F.D.A.’s Rockville, Maryland,
testing center,

where technician Donald Marlow
is testing the strength

of a latex condom.

Sort of a wistful look
on Donnie’s face there, huh?

And heavyweight champ
Buster Douglas said this week

he’s in no rush to
jump back into the ring
with an enraged Mike Tyson,

and yesterday signed
to fight this man

sometime in late July.

The New Kids on the Block
this week posed
for photographers

with their new line of
New Kids on the Block dolls.

The dolls are incredibly
lifelike and realistic,

except for one
major difference--

the dolls play
their own instruments.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

* Mr. Short-term Memory *

* He shouldn’t have stood
under that pear tree *

* Now there’s
just no remedy *

* He’ll frustrate you so,
but he’ll never know *

* ’Cause he’s
Mr. Short-term Memory *

Hey, Bill, I came
as soon as I heard
about your leg.

Thank you, Jeff.
I really appreciate that.

Appreciate what?

Well, that you came
as soon as you heard.

Heard what?

I don’t like the tone
of your voice.

Well, that
I broke my leg.

Oh, no, Bill!
That’s terrible!

How did that happen?

Okay, get this.
We got all this snow
last night.

So, I got the ladder out
this morning,

and I was up on the roof
sweeping the snow off
with the broom.

The ladder slipped
on some ice,

and bam! I went down,
broke my leg.

What?! Oh, no!
You broke your leg!

Bill,
that’s terrible!

How did it happen?

I was on the roof,
getting snow off
with a broom,

and I fell.

Oh, my God!
We gotta get you
to a hospital!

Jeff! We’re in
a hospital.

Well, then we gotta
get you a nurse.

Nurse! Hello! Nurse? Nurse!

What’s the matter?
What’s the matter?

We’ve just got
a man with a
broken leg her.

I was just here.
What do you want me
to do for him?

Do for who?

I’ll come back later.

So, Bill, it’s 2:00.

What the hell are you
still doing in bed?

I, uh, broke my leg.

Oh, no!
That’s awful!

Yeah, it is.

How did it happen?
I fell.

That’s it?
That’s it? You fell?

Come on, there’s
gotta be more to it
than that.

Okay, I was up
on the roof,
cleaning snow off,

when the ladder
slipped, and--

Hey, look, pal...
I’ve got my
troubles, too.

I don’t go telling
them to every
stranger I meet.

Jeff, it’s me--Bill.

Oh, Bill! Oh, no!
This is terrible!

Could we get a nurse
for this person?

Nurse! Hello? Nurse!

What’s the matter?
What’s the matter?
Hello there!

I thought you
might like to meet
your patient.

Nurse, patient.
Patient, nurse.

Now that I’ve
broken the ice,

maybe you two won’t
be such strangers.

Look, sir,
I’m really busy,

and I’d appreciate it
if you would quit
calling me.

Well, I would
appreciate it

if you didn’t keep
interrupting us.

Well, Jeff, thanks
for visiting me--

your friend Bill--
in the hospital

because of
my broken leg.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, no problem.

Hey, Bill,
these are--

these are really
beautiful flowers.

I guess I
should’ve brought
you something.

Jeff...didn’t you
bring me those flowers?

Uh...yeah.
Yeah, I sure did.

I brought you
those flowers Bill.

I sure did.
That was me.

Hey, Jeff...

could you do me a favor?
Pull that screen around.

I need to use my bedpan.

Yeah, sure.
No problem.

Oh, thanks.
I appreciate this, Jeff.

Bill? Bill,
is that you that
just called me?

Bill--
Oh, my God, Bill,
you lazy slob!

Get up and use
the bathroom!

I can’t!
I broke my leg!

Oh, no!
This is terrible!

My buddy
broke his leg!

Don’t worry,
I’m gonna get you
some help!

9-1-1!

Hello? Hello?
This is an emergency.

My friend’s hurt,
and I’ve gotta get
him to a hospital.

What? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Why are you
telling me this?

Then why did you
call me?

I didn’t--

Some crank.
So, Bill--

Hey, it is 2:30.
Rise and shine,
sleepy-head!

Keep it down, Jeff.
You’re in a hospital.

I’m in a hospital?

Oh, no. What’s
wrong with me?

There’s nothing
wrong with you!

Don’t patronize me.
I have a right to know.

Why is everyone
walking on eggshells?!

Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

You have done nothing
but bother me--

You just give it
to me straight.
Am I dying?

Of course
you’re not dying.

I’m--Ohh! Happy day!

Happy day! Ha ha!
I’m not gonna die!

Do you hear that, world?!
I’m not gonna die!

I’m gonna live! Ha ha!

I’m gonna live!

And I’m gonna make
every second count.

I’m sorry.
He was hit by a pear.

Bill? Bill Tucker?

Bill! I came
as soon as I heard
about your leg.

* He’ll win you yet *

* And then he’ll forget *

* ’Cause he’s
Mr. Short-term Memory *

ANNOUNCER:
Jensen Syringe Company--

serving the medical community
for over 45 years.

Oh, yes!

Yes indeed!

A cruise ship
for elderly singles.

Brother, we are gonna
score big-time.

You said it.
Nothing but lonely
old babes,

living on
fixed-incomes

and starved for
companionship.

Oh, yes.
I do believe we have
found the right angle.

Well, well...
Let the games commence.

Hello.

And good-bye.

Ooh, strike one.

Not lonely enough.

You said it.

Still, I’ve got
to like our chances.

I do agree.

The ladies
outnumber the men
three to one.

And we’re competing
against guys

with scant
bladder control.

You should talk,
amigo.

Whoa! Silver-haired siren
at 3 o’clock.

This one’s mine.

Welcome aboard.

And bon voyage.

Oh, yes.

Granny no likey.

Too true.

Yep, this double chin
took care of that.

Too bad. She could have
taught us so much

in the ways of love.

Then again,
we’re a blank slate.

You said it, hombre.

Any information would be
most appreciated.

Ooh, what have we here?

Oh, yes.
A frosty delight.

Mmm.

Hello!

Wow!

How repulsive
we must be!

She couldn’t even
make us out,

but some sixth sense
told her

of our screaming
inadequacies.

You know it.
Even in hazy focus,

this nose o’ mine is
a frightening vision.

These close-set eyes
added spice to that brew.

I don’t know
what’s sadder--

this continued
rejection,

or the thought
of actually scoring
with women this old.

I thought we agreed
we weren’t going to
think about that.

Oh, yeah.
Ooh la la.

A blue-haired beauty.

The pleasure’s
all mine.

And so’s the pain.

Oh, yes.

Are you thinking
what I’m thinking?

You know it.

Rock bottom!
Rock bottom!

No place to go but up.

Unless we stay
right here.

( sighs )

We are in hell.

Oh, yes.

Mighty bleak.

Frank was
a wonderful husband,

but he wasn’t much
of a businessman.

When he died,
he left me and the kids

with a shaky business
and a mountain of bills.

I needed help, but everyone
had turned me down.

Then a friend suggested
I join the mob.

At first, I thought...
the mob isn’t interested
in a flower shop.

And besides,
I’m Presbyterian.

People think
they can’t come to us

because their business
is too small.

We built our name
on small business/

Banks, insurance companies--
they’re fine.

But we’ve got a lot of
financial maneuvers

they’ve never even heard of.

It was so easy.
There was no paperwork,

no signatures.

Just a handshake,
and I was in.

And then they gave me
their exclusive list
of suppliers and clients.

Suddenly I felt like
I had connections.

We’re a people company.

We put people together.

You sell flowers--
restaurants need flowers,

hotels need flowers,
escort services
need flowers.

The mob’s financial team
plans everything for me--

from my long-term
investments

to starting each day off
with a fresh drawer
full of cash.

We’re a full-service
organization,

and we like to keep
the money moving.

For a small
monthly premium,

I’m enrolled
the Group Protection Plan.

Now, that’s peace of mind.

The little flower shop
on the corner--

well, it was just
one fire after another.

I’m glad the mob
is there for me.

The big financial institutions
make you a lot of promises,

but we actually
make things happen.

To them, you’re just
another client.

To us, you’re family.

*

Jensen syringes.

They’re not meant
to be used as darts,

but they’re that good.

NBC is proud to present
another Black History Moment.

And now, Andy Rooney.

February’s
Black History Month

in this great multicultural
nation of ours.

I think I know just
a little bit about history

because, at the moment,
I amhistory.

But did you know that
George Washington Carver--
a black man--

introduced the cultivation
of peanuts to America?

He also invented
peanut butter.

He was a wonderful man.

And did you ever notice
how peanut butter

tastes better
on dark bread?

Dark beer is better, too.

And black bean soup is
much better than white bean.

Dark is just better.

And black is best.

I’m Andy Rooney,
and I like black people.

I really do.

It’s fags I hate.

*

I want to thank Aerosmith.
I want to thank you all.

I want to thank
Bernie Nicholls.

I love you, baby!
Good night!

It was a great show!
He shoots, he scores!