Original subtitles

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ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

And starring Quincy Jones.

And, as musical guest, Tevin Campbell,

Andraé and Sandra Crouch,

Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane,

Melle Mel, Quincy D. III...

Siedah Garrett, Al Jarreau, and Take 6.

ANNOUNCER: This Tuesday at 9:00,

it’s The Bob Waltman Special--

a rare look into private world

of some of the country’s biggest celebrities.

WALTMAN: Billionnairess Leona Helmsley--

the self-anointed queen of the Helmsley Hotel Empire.

She lived a life of opulence.

But now she faces charges of tax fraud

that could put her behind bars for four years.

You’ve been called everything

from "The Wicked Witch of the West"

to "Tough Bitch".

How does that make you feel?

I’m an executive. I’m a woman.

I’m tough.

So they call me a bitch.

Even with a new appeal,

the likelihood of spending several years in a small prison cell--

away from your loved ones--

that’s got to hurt.

It hurts. It’s, uh-- It’s unfair.

( sniffles )

No longer able to enjoy the luxuries

that you worked so hard for and deserve.

It’s unfair, you know? It’s, uh--

Come on, you’re not gonna make me cry.

I know that happens to a lot of your guests,

but, after all, I do have to live up to my reputation.

Oh, no, that’s all right. Everyone’s allowed to have emotions--

especially victims.

Now, as a child, you were abandoned by your parents?

Yes.

And I understand that recently

you had to fly coach?

( sobbing )

And now they’re taking it all away from you.

How does that make you feel?

*

The Bob Waltman Special.

No one gets closer.

WALTMAN: Marion Barry. He was a talented politician

who had risen to national prominence.

Then, suddenly, his political career--

like the crack he purchased from the FBI--

went up in smoke.

He is determined to tough it out.

But is he tough enough?

You were Mayor of the nation’s capital,

an inspiration for so many,

and then the arrest, the humiliation.

Very unfortunate.

But that’s behind me now, and I’m looking forward

to clearing up my name and getting reelected.

Yet, because of the harassment and entrapment,

everything you’ve worked for is gone--

your career, your family,

your reputation-- all gone.

And you can never get that back.

Yeah, I guess sometimes things just happen.

Uh...I’m sorry.

No, no, that’s all right. There’s no--

There’s no reason to be ashamed

for showing our feelings.

It’s okay.

Your future looks bleak.

Your personal problems are mounting.

Do you ever ask yourself why?

( sniffs )

Well, uh, I--

I think the biggest tragedy

is that I let my family down.

( sniffling )

Where do you see Marion Barry in three years?

( crying )

A broken man?

( sniffing )

Bob Waltman-- opening doors and touching hearts.

No one gets closer.

WALTMAN: Tammy Faye Bakker--

P.T.L. survivor, supporter and wife

of Jim Bakker.

Tammy, you--

( sobbing )

Bob Waltman-- no one gets closer.

WALTMAN: Ronald Reagan-- sportscaster-turned- movie star-

turned-40th President of the United States- turned private citizen--

certainly a proud and illustrious career.

He has everything in the world to be happy about.

But is he?

Mr. President, did you hear about the little girl

who lost her parents in that plane crash?

Well, no, I didn’t.

Nancy and I have been busy setting up camp in Los Angeles.

She has a book out, you know.

Hmm. What about the fathers

that were left behind on the Titanic,

kissing their children good-bye for the last time?

Well...

I’ve often thought how those men were heroes.

And, luckily, they build boats better now.

Any regrets in your life, Mr. President?

No, I’m very happy. No complaints.

What if anything ever happened to Nancy?

You ever think about that?

Well...no.

Nancy’s got her book, you know.

I worked with Errol Flynn in the pictures.

Now, that’s when Hollywood was magic.

What if you go first,

and Nancy is left alone?

Well...

now, Nancy stays pretty busy these days--

dinner parties for her book tour.

Mm-hmm. Knowing it will never be the way it was.

Well, I--

I, uh--

I, uh--

Pat O’Brien-- Oh, boy.

It’s okay, it’s okay. We all have feelings.

The Bob Waltman Special--

no one gets closer.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

Nelson Mandela will be released tomorrow

from a South African jail.

This photo of Mandela-- taken nearly three decades ago--

is the world’s last image of the anti-Apartheid leader.

To ease the shock of seeing

what 27 years in a South African prison can do to a man,

Pretoria released this picture today.

Brutal.

Okay. Uh--

All right. Um...

no, no, that’s not the right joke.

We gotta do this joke. Okay, uh--

Thank you, guys.

Did you ever put your foot in your mouth?

Andy Rooney denied he was a racist

and pointed to his earlier work in TV,

including the popular Amos ’n’ Andy Rooney show.

I just wanted to tell you, because Quincy’s here this week,

I did a little research.

I looked into it, just to see what my rap name is,

and, oddly enough,

my rap is also Dennis Miller.

You know, while visiting Panama last week,

Vice President Quayle was given an up-close- and-personal demonstration

of jungle warfare

that proves properly camouflaged soldiers

can easily blend in with dead wood.

And President Bush joked this week

with Topps Baseball Card Company President Arthur Shorin

after receiving a book of baseball cards and bubble gum

at a meeting in the Oval Office.

Shorin said, after the past eight years,

it was nice to give bubble gum to a President

and know that it wouldn’t interfere with his walking.

And President Bush this week defended his decision

to attend the February 15 drug summit in Colombia

and said he would not do anything stupid or macho.

Bush also appointed Mayor Marion Barry

to chair a committee to see if there are more drugs in Colombia

or the District of Columbia.

President Bush this week took time this week

to pose knowingly with three devices

that he has absolutely no clue about.

And, according to biological experts in Brownsville, Texas,

killer bees are now 150 miles from the Texas border and heading north.

The big concern in Texas is that the bees will take jobs away from Americans.

One final note on the Super Bowl--

while nobody watched the second half

and wouldn’t have been aware of this fact,

the game was so lopsided

that 49er quarterback Joe Montana

agreed to play the second half on one leg.

An older but nonetheless feisty Mark Spitz

this week reiterated his intention

to participate in the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Nice to see he’s growing the ’stache back.

You know, it was announced this week by ABC’s TV program chief

that the new half-hour Elvis Presley sitcom

has ballooned to a one-hour show.

And a warrant is out today for Eddie Antar--

the founder of the Crazy Eddie chain--

for illegally taking $52 million of the company’s money.

Naturally, Crazy Eddie’s lawyers

say they’ll plead insanity.

And one of last month’s Avianca crash victims

was found to have swallowed several cocaine-filled condoms.

However, smuggling has been ruled out,

as that was the in-flight meal on Avianca Flight 52.

"Stewardess, I’ll have the ribbed."

And...

Sports Illustrated’s annual Swimsuit Issue came out this week

and included candid shots of Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana,

and Magic Johnson.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

( klezmer music playing )

First of all, to our guests--

the members of the First Corinthian Baptist Congregation--

welcome and shalom.

I want to thank the Reverend Walker

for his invaluable assistance

in organizing this event,

which he and I have very appropriately entitled...

Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

I have always maintained--

and maintained strongly--

that if black people and Jewish people get to know each other,

they will see that the other isn’t really so bad.

I mean, let’s face it--

there are some Jews I’mnot so wild about.

For example, my brother-in-law Sid.

Ah!

But all kidding aside.

These have not been the easiest times for Crown Heights.

There have been tensions between our two communities,

exacerbated last month by the unfortunate use of anti-Semitic lyrics

by a neighborhood rap group, the Rafsan Cool M.C.’s.

Now, the Reverend Walker has worked his magic

and brought the three young men

who wrapped the offensive anti-Semitic slurs,

and in a little while they will perform a rap song

demonstrating their commitment to Ekhad ve Akhva--

The Coming Together.

But first, Ben Wasserman--

the President of our community relations board--

has an announcement. Ben?

Thank you, Rabbi.

I have, at this early date already,

from businessmen in our congregation,

commitments for seven summer jobs

for underprivileged youths.

Three of which are at my felt factory.

Now, cutting felt may not be as glamorous as show business,

but it’s $3.75 an hour,

and I believe this is how the Muppets started.

Thank you, Ben. Thank you.

And what would Ekhad ve Akhvabe

without a few words from my good friend,

Reverend James Walker? Reverend?

Thank you, Rabbi Shapiro.

We are gathered here

to be imbued

with the attitude of gratitude.

To be made cognizant

of the commonalities of our communities.

The experiential affinity between our peoples

to visualize a modality

by which two peoples-- both subjugated, humiliated,

bated and hated--

can exchange the modality of bitterness

for a modality of synergistic activity,

so that we may grow with each other,

where once we growled at each other!

So that we may strive together,

where once we had strayed apart!

Thank you, Reverend, thank you.

You put me to shame. He does.

And now the big moment has come.

The Rafsan Cool M.C.’s

will now perform a rap number

written for Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

The Rafsan Cool M.C.’s!

( rap beat playing )

* Puttin’ down the Jews was a big mistake *

* But we’re here to show that it’s not too late *

* For 2,000 years, we heard the news *

* That Christ was iced by the Jews *

* Got you thinkin’ about this tale *

* But it’s the Roman homeboys who pounded the nail *

* Oh, don’t place the blame ’cause we ain’t with it *

* We’re here to tell you that the Italians did it *

* The Italians killed Christ *

* The Italians killed Christ * * Kick it *

* Pure garlic eatin’, dock worker-beatin’ *

* Pasta salad grabbin’, big nose-havin’ *

* Tommy gun-totin’, parmesan cheese-smokin’ *

* Pizza breath, hairy chest *

* Mama Leone, fat macaroni-and-cheese- suckin’ mother-- *

No, wait, wait, wait.

It’s cool. Shalom. Shalom,peace.

I, uh...ahem.

I think I should point out

that we have strong ties to the Italian community.

But, uh, we must crawl before we walk.

So, thank you, Rafsan Cool M.C.’s.

Now...let us retire

to the Morris Edelstein Room

for some honey cake and tea,

as we continue our Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

Come, mingle. Come together.

Mmm. Good coffee. Change brands?

No. Tonto clean pot.

Mmm.

Where Frankenstein?

Him at mailbox again.

Frankenstein look at mailbox all week.

Maybe him expect important letter.

Frankenstein.

Any mail for Tarzan?

Uhh!

Then...what hide behind back?

Show Tarzan!

Ooh! Swimsuit Issue.

Mmm.

Tonto get second.

Tarzan paper subscription. Tarzan look first.

Uhh! Friend! Friend!

Frankenstein right.

Him share first look with two best friends.

Put magazine table. That way all can see.

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Ahh.

Mmm. Mmm.

Jane have body like that once...

before boy.

Uhh! Mmm.

Tarzan buy swimsuit for Jane like that.

Hmm. How Jane look in suit?

Jane never wear for Tarzan.

( grunting )

Uhh!

Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Many ads this issue.

Bad.

No, Frankenstein.

Advertising not bad.

Advertising help sell Swimsuit Issue.

Hmm.

Look, there four-wheel drive vehicle Tonto want.

( grunts )

Tonto agree Frankenstein. Get to good part.

ALL: Ahh. Mmm.

This look interesting.

Mmm. Magazine say this woman 6’1".

Oh, Tonto live on her like reservation.

Tarzan not throw her out of tree

for eating cracker.

( grunting )

Frankenstein! Get hold of self!

Frankenstein embarrass Tonto.

See Tarzan? Him enjoy magazine.

Not just gray cells.

( groans )

Frankenstein must understand Swimsuit Issue.

Fantasy. Dream. Not real.

Uhhhh.

See? Them not real.

This woman not look that good real life.

Not just this way.

Tonto read many thousand picture taken.

Editor leave make-up many hour.

Lighting create illusion perfect woman.

( groaning )

Beside...Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein--

just regular guys.

Never meet these kind women.

( sobbing )

But does not mean...

three guys can’t have good time looking.

Good! Bahh!

*

ANNOUNCER: Ah, the music from the dinner scene

in the motion picture Walk, Don’t Run--

an enchanting instrumental piece

that has rarely been heard... until now.

Clarion Records presents a collection

of the most beautiful underscoring of all time--

Quincy Jones-- the Movie Scores.

Digitally mastered recordings of all his classics,

such as...

And the unforgettable time inCactus Flower...

And, of course, the haunting minutes...

But that’s not all. You get...

And so much more.

All these classic bits of music are only $6.

Just $6 for 90 records or 55 compact discs.

As a bonus, you’ll also receiveQuincy’s Track--

Quincy Jones’ separate personal track

from the historical We Are the World recording session.

QUINCY: All right. Yeah.

That’s nice. I like that.

Mm-hmm.

And there’s more.

You’ll also receive a drinking glass

with Quincy Jones’ face on it,

or, if you prefer, just a regular glass.

So, if you love to listen to sounds,

send $6 to...

( crying ) I’m sorry. What was I talking about?

Your ex-wife. Oh, yeah.

( blues piano playing throughout )

You remember I said my ex-wife called last Sunday...

to let me know she was having an affair?

Yes, I remember.

Well, she called again this Sunday

to make sure I knew she was having an affair.

How does that make you feel?

Well, God knows I hate the woman.

But down inside, there’s still a piece of me that cares.

So, how are you dealing with it?

Well, I didn’t go to work on Monday.

I watched TV all day in bed.

Is that the way you always react to her calls?

Well, yes, she calls and tells me she’s happy,

and I usually watch TV all day in bed.

Why does her happiness bother you so much?

Makes me feel like I have nothing...

and no one cares if I’m alive or dead.

What about your relationship with Amy?

( piano tempo increases )

( to music ) Amy’s just like my mother.

My first and second wife.

I seek out desperate women.

I have done it all my life!

It’s because I’m un-entitled,

like they won’t love me for myself.

Do you see this as a repeating pattern in your behavior?

Yes, yes, I perpetuate bad relationships

by denying all my needs for someone else.

And why do you think you do that?

( to music ) Oh, God.

Go ahead.

Dear God! Keep on going.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, whoa!

How do you feel? I don’t know.

I know it intellectually,

but I can’t learn it emotionally.

Have you tried?

Yes! No.

I don’t know how.

Well, you think about it.

Then we’ll talk about it.

But I’m afraid we’ll have to stop right now.

( blows nose )

( tune ends )

*

Now I know how Mike Tyson feels after this show.

I want to thank everybody, and the audience,

the greatest band, the greatest staff,

the greatest artists.

I love you. Good night!