All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E12.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

And starring Quincy Jones.

And, as musical guest,
Tevin Campbell,

Andraé and Sandra Crouch,

Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane,

Melle Mel, Quincy D. III...

Siedah Garrett, Al Jarreau,
and Take 6.

ANNOUNCER:
This Tuesday at 9:00,

it’s
The Bob Waltman Special--

a rare look
into private world

of some of the country’s
biggest celebrities.

WALTMAN: Billionnairess
Leona Helmsley--

the self-anointed queen of
the Helmsley Hotel Empire.

She lived a life
of opulence.

But now she faces charges
of tax fraud

that could put her behind bars
for four years.

You’ve been
called everything

from "The Wicked Witch
of the West"

to "Tough Bitch".

How does that
make you feel?

I’m an executive.
I’m a woman.

I’m tough.

So they call me
a bitch.

Even with a new appeal,

the likelihood of spending
several years in a small
prison cell--

away from your loved ones--

that’s got to hurt.

It hurts. It’s, uh--
It’s unfair.

( sniffles )

No longer able
to enjoy the luxuries

that you worked
so hard for and deserve.

It’s unfair, you know?
It’s, uh--

Come on, you’re not
gonna make me cry.

I know that happens to
a lot of your guests,

but, after all,
I do have to live up
to my reputation.

Oh, no, that’s all right.
Everyone’s allowed
to have emotions--

especially victims.

Now, as a child,
you were abandoned
by your parents?

Yes.

And I understand
that recently

you had to fly coach?

( sobbing )

And now they’re taking it
all away from you.

How does that
make you feel?

*

The Bob Waltman Special.

No one gets closer.

WALTMAN: Marion Barry.
He was a talented politician

who had risen
to national prominence.

Then, suddenly,
his political career--

like the crack he purchased
from the FBI--

went up in smoke.

He is determined
to tough it out.

But is he tough enough?

You were Mayor of
the nation’s capital,

an inspiration
for so many,

and then the arrest,
the humiliation.

Very unfortunate.

But that’s behind me now,
and I’m looking forward

to clearing up my name
and getting reelected.

Yet, because of
the harassment
and entrapment,

everything you’ve
worked for is gone--

your career,
your family,

your reputation--
all gone.

And you can never
get that back.

Yeah, I guess sometimes
things just happen.

Uh...I’m sorry.

No, no,
that’s all right.
There’s no--

There’s no reason
to be ashamed

for showing
our feelings.

It’s okay.

Your future
looks bleak.

Your personal problems
are mounting.

Do you ever
ask yourself why?

( sniffs )

Well, uh, I--

I think
the biggest tragedy

is that I let
my family down.

( sniffling )

Where do you see
Marion Barry
in three years?

( crying )

A broken man?

( sniffing )

Bob Waltman--
opening doors
and touching hearts.

No one gets closer.

WALTMAN:
Tammy Faye Bakker--

P.T.L. survivor,
supporter and wife

of Jim Bakker.

Tammy, you--

( sobbing )

Bob Waltman--
no one gets closer.

WALTMAN: Ronald Reagan--
sportscaster-turned-
movie star-

turned-40th President
of the United States-
turned private citizen--

certainly a proud
and illustrious career.

He has everything in the world
to be happy about.

But is he?

Mr. President,
did you hear about
the little girl

who lost her parents
in that plane crash?

Well, no, I didn’t.

Nancy and I have been
busy setting up camp
in Los Angeles.

She has a book out,
you know.

Hmm. What about
the fathers

that were left behind
on the Titanic,

kissing their
children good-bye
for the last time?

Well...

I’ve often thought how
those men were heroes.

And, luckily, they
build boats better now.

Any regrets in your
life, Mr. President?

No, I’m very happy.
No complaints.

What if anything ever
happened to Nancy?

You ever think
about that?

Well...no.

Nancy’s got her book,
you know.

I worked with Errol Flynn
in the pictures.

Now, that’s when
Hollywood was magic.

What if you go first,

and Nancy is left alone?

Well...

now, Nancy stays
pretty busy these days--

dinner parties
for her book tour.

Mm-hmm. Knowing
it will never be
the way it was.

Well, I--

I, uh--

I, uh--

Pat O’Brien--
Oh, boy.

It’s okay, it’s okay.
We all have feelings.

The Bob Waltman Special--

no one gets closer.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

Nelson Mandela
will be released tomorrow

from a South African jail.

This photo of Mandela--
taken nearly three
decades ago--

is the world’s last image
of the anti-Apartheid leader.

To ease the shock of seeing

what 27 years in
a South African prison
can do to a man,

Pretoria released
this picture today.

Brutal.

Okay. Uh--

All right. Um...

no, no, that’s not
the right joke.

We gotta do this joke.
Okay, uh--

Thank you, guys.

Did you ever put
your foot in your mouth?

Andy Rooney denied
he was a racist

and pointed to
his earlier work in TV,

including the popular
Amos ’n’ Andy Rooney show.

I just wanted to tell you,
because Quincy’s here
this week,

I did a little research.

I looked into it, just to see
what my rap name is,

and, oddly enough,

my rap is also
Dennis Miller.

You know, while visiting
Panama last week,

Vice President Quayle
was given an up-close-
and-personal demonstration

of jungle warfare

that proves properly
camouflaged soldiers

can easily blend in
with dead wood.

And President Bush
joked this week

with Topps Baseball Card
Company President
Arthur Shorin

after receiving a book
of baseball cards
and bubble gum

at a meeting
in the Oval Office.

Shorin said,
after the past eight years,

it was nice to give bubble gum
to a President

and know that it wouldn’t
interfere with his walking.

And President Bush this week
defended his decision

to attend the February 15
drug summit in Colombia

and said he would not
do anything stupid or macho.

Bush also appointed
Mayor Marion Barry

to chair a committee to see
if there are more drugs
in Colombia

or the District of Columbia.

President Bush this week
took time this week

to pose knowingly
with three devices

that he has absolutely
no clue about.

And, according to biological
experts in Brownsville, Texas,

killer bees are now 150 miles
from the Texas border
and heading north.

The big concern in Texas
is that the bees will take
jobs away from Americans.

One final note
on the Super Bowl--

while nobody watched
the second half

and wouldn’t have been
aware of this fact,

the game was so lopsided

that 49er quarterback
Joe Montana

agreed to play
the second half on one leg.

An older but nonetheless
feisty Mark Spitz

this week reiterated
his intention

to participate
in the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Nice to see he’s growing
the ’stache back.

You know, it was announced
this week by ABC’s
TV program chief

that the new half-hour
Elvis Presley sitcom

has ballooned
to a one-hour show.

And a warrant is out today
for Eddie Antar--

the founder of
the Crazy Eddie chain--

for illegally
taking $52 million of
the company’s money.

Naturally,
Crazy Eddie’s lawyers

say they’ll plead insanity.

And one of last month’s
Avianca crash victims

was found to have swallowed
several cocaine-filled condoms.

However, smuggling
has been ruled out,

as that was the in-flight meal
on Avianca Flight 52.

"Stewardess,
I’ll have the ribbed."

And...

Sports Illustrated’s
annual Swimsuit Issue
came out this week

and included candid shots
of Wayne Gretzky, Joe Montana,

and Magic Johnson.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

( klezmer music playing )

First of all,
to our guests--

the members of
the First Corinthian
Baptist Congregation--

welcome and shalom.

I want to thank
the Reverend Walker

for his invaluable
assistance

in organizing
this event,

which he and I have
very appropriately
entitled...

Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

I have always
maintained--

and maintained
strongly--

that if black people
and Jewish people get
to know each other,

they will see
that the other
isn’t really so bad.

I mean,
let’s face it--

there are some Jews
I’mnot so
wild about.

For example,
my brother-in-law Sid.

Ah!

But all kidding aside.

These have not been
the easiest times
for Crown Heights.

There have been tensions
between our two communities,

exacerbated last month
by the unfortunate use
of anti-Semitic lyrics

by a neighborhood rap group,
the Rafsan Cool M.C.’s.

Now, the
Reverend Walker has
worked his magic

and brought
the three young men

who wrapped
the offensive
anti-Semitic slurs,

and in a little while
they will perform a rap song

demonstrating
their commitment
to Ekhad ve Akhva--

The Coming Together.

But first,
Ben Wasserman--

the President of our
community relations board--

has an announcement. Ben?

Thank you, Rabbi.

I have, at this
early date already,

from businessmen
in our congregation,

commitments for
seven summer jobs

for underprivileged youths.

Three of which are
at my felt factory.

Now, cutting felt may not be
as glamorous as show business,

but it’s $3.75 an hour,

and I believe this is
how the Muppets started.

Thank you, Ben. Thank you.

And what would
Ekhad ve Akhvabe

without a few words
from my good friend,

Reverend James Walker?
Reverend?

Thank you,
Rabbi Shapiro.

We are gathered here

to be imbued

with the attitude
of gratitude.

To be made cognizant

of the commonalities
of our communities.

The experiential affinity
between our peoples

to visualize a modality

by which two peoples--
both subjugated,
humiliated,

bated and hated--

can exchange
the modality of bitterness

for a modality
of synergistic activity,

so that we may
grow with each other,

where once we growled
at each other!

So that we may
strive together,

where once we had
strayed apart!

Thank you, Reverend,
thank you.

You put me to shame.
He does.

And now the big
moment has come.

The Rafsan
Cool M.C.’s

will now perform
a rap number

written for
Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

The Rafsan
Cool M.C.’s!

( rap beat playing )

* Puttin’ down the Jews
was a big mistake *

* But we’re here to show
that it’s not too late *

* For 2,000 years,
we heard the news *

* That Christ was iced
by the Jews *

* Got you thinkin’
about this tale *

* But it’s
the Roman homeboys
who pounded the nail *

* Oh, don’t place the blame
’cause we ain’t with it *

* We’re here
to tell you that
the Italians did it *

* The Italians
killed Christ *

* The Italians
killed Christ *
* Kick it *

* Pure garlic eatin’,
dock worker-beatin’ *

* Pasta salad grabbin’,
big nose-havin’ *

* Tommy gun-totin’,
parmesan cheese-smokin’ *

* Pizza breath,
hairy chest *

* Mama Leone,
fat macaroni-and-cheese-
suckin’ mother-- *

No, wait, wait, wait.

It’s cool. Shalom.
Shalom,peace.

I, uh...ahem.

I think I should point out

that we have strong ties
to the Italian community.

But, uh, we must crawl
before we walk.

So, thank you,
Rafsan Cool M.C.’s.

Now...let us retire

to the
Morris Edelstein Room

for some honey cake
and tea,

as we continue
our Ekhad ve Akhva--

A Coming Together.

Come, mingle.
Come together.

Mmm. Good coffee.
Change brands?

No. Tonto clean pot.

Mmm.

Where Frankenstein?

Him at mailbox again.

Frankenstein look
at mailbox all week.

Maybe him expect
important letter.

Frankenstein.

Any mail for Tarzan?

Uhh!

Then...what hide
behind back?

Show Tarzan!

Ooh! Swimsuit Issue.

Mmm.

Tonto get second.

Tarzan paper subscription.
Tarzan look first.

Uhh! Friend!
Friend!

Frankenstein right.

Him share first look
with two best friends.

Put magazine table.
That way all can see.

Uhh! Uhh!
Uhh! Uhh!

Ahh.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Jane have body
like that once...

before boy.

Uhh!
Mmm.

Tarzan buy swimsuit
for Jane like that.

Hmm. How Jane look
in suit?

Jane never wear
for Tarzan.

( grunting )

Uhh!

Uhh!

Uhh! Uhh!

Many ads this issue.

Bad.

No, Frankenstein.

Advertising not bad.

Advertising help sell
Swimsuit Issue.

Hmm.

Look, there
four-wheel drive
vehicle Tonto want.

( grunts )

Tonto agree Frankenstein.
Get to good part.

ALL: Ahh. Mmm.

This look interesting.

Mmm. Magazine say
this woman 6’1".

Oh, Tonto live on her
like reservation.

Tarzan not throw her
out of tree

for eating cracker.

( grunting )

Frankenstein!
Get hold of self!

Frankenstein
embarrass Tonto.

See Tarzan?
Him enjoy magazine.

Not just gray cells.

( groans )

Frankenstein must understand
Swimsuit Issue.

Fantasy. Dream. Not real.

Uhhhh.

See? Them not real.

This woman not look
that good real life.

Not just this way.

Tonto read many thousand
picture taken.

Editor leave make-up
many hour.

Lighting create illusion
perfect woman.

( groaning )

Beside...Tarzan,
Tonto, Frankenstein--

just regular guys.

Never meet
these kind women.

( sobbing )

But does not mean...

three guys can’t have
good time looking.

Good! Bahh!

*

ANNOUNCER: Ah, the music
from the dinner scene

in the motion picture
Walk, Don’t Run--

an enchanting
instrumental piece

that has rarely been heard...
until now.

Clarion Records
presents a collection

of the most beautiful
underscoring of all time--

Quincy Jones--
the Movie Scores.

Digitally mastered recordings
of all his classics,

such as...

And the unforgettable
time inCactus Flower...

And, of course,
the haunting minutes...

But that’s not all.
You get...

And so much more.

All these classic
bits of music are only $6.

Just $6 for 90 records
or 55 compact discs.

As a bonus, you’ll also
receiveQuincy’s Track--

Quincy Jones’
separate personal track

from the historical
We Are the World
recording session.

QUINCY:
All right. Yeah.

That’s nice.
I like that.

Mm-hmm.

And there’s more.

You’ll also receive
a drinking glass

with Quincy Jones’
face on it,

or, if you prefer,
just a regular glass.

So, if you love
to listen to sounds,

send $6 to...

( crying ) I’m sorry.
What was I talking about?

Your ex-wife.
Oh, yeah.

( blues piano
playing throughout )

You remember I said
my ex-wife called
last Sunday...

to let me know she was
having an affair?

Yes, I remember.

Well, she called again
this Sunday

to make sure I knew
she was having an affair.

How does that
make you feel?

Well, God knows
I hate the woman.

But down inside, there’s
still a piece of me
that cares.

So, how are you
dealing with it?

Well, I didn’t go
to work on Monday.

I watched TV
all day in bed.

Is that the way
you always react
to her calls?

Well, yes, she calls
and tells me she’s happy,

and I usually watch TV
all day in bed.

Why does her happiness
bother you so much?

Makes me feel
like I have nothing...

and no one cares
if I’m alive or dead.

What about your
relationship with Amy?

( piano tempo increases )

( to music )
Amy’s just like my mother.

My first and second wife.

I seek out
desperate women.

I have done it
all my life!

It’s because
I’m un-entitled,

like they won’t
love me for myself.

Do you see this as
a repeating pattern
in your behavior?

Yes, yes, I perpetuate
bad relationships

by denying all my needs
for someone else.

And why do you think
you do that?

( to music )
Oh, God.

Go ahead.

Dear God!
Keep on going.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

Oh, my God, God, God,
God, God, God, God,
God, God, whoa!

How do you feel?
I don’t know.

I know it
intellectually,

but I can’t learn it
emotionally.

Have you tried?

Yes! No.

I don’t know how.

Well, you think
about it.

Then we’ll
talk about it.

But I’m afraid
we’ll have to stop
right now.

( blows nose )

( tune ends )

*

Now I know how Mike Tyson
feels after this show.

I want to thank everybody,
and the audience,

the greatest band,
the greatest staff,

the greatest artists.

I love you. Good night!