All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E11.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

That’s, um--

We, um--

( indistinct )

We--We are back.
We are back.

And, um, we have a great,
great show tonight.

But before we bring out
our first guest,

as you know,
Ed is not with us tonight.

He’s a bit--
He’s a bit under the weather.

And Doc is also not here.

I’m surprised any of the guys
in the band are here.

They are weird with
those funny cigarettes.

They are very weird.
It’s just wild.

So, anyway,
what we’re gonna do--

we’re gonna try something
that’s a little weird.

This is something
we’ve never done before.

But, since Ed’s not here,
our technicians got together

and rigged up
this little machine
using Ed’s voice,

and it’ll take Ed’s place
when he’s not here.

So, Ed, it’s gonna
be some show
tonight, huh?

Yes!
You are correct, sir!

Well, that is
just wild.

Ha ha! Yes!

That is a little weird.

That’s a little skewed.

That it is.

Not the normal--
No.

Okay, well,
let’s move on.

We’ve never
done this before.

No, we have not.

Okay, well,
our first guest tonight--

our first guest tonight
is a little weird.

Yes!

I could have you deported.

Anyway, he’s a stand-up comic

whose material is actually
pretty blue, pretty adult.

So, if you have any kids
in the room,

you may want to send them
to the kitchen,

because he’s a little weird.

So, let’s bring him out.
Please welcome
Andrew Dice Clay.

*

Andrew.

Hello.

Welcome. You can
just move Ed over
to the couch.

It won’t mind.

Ha ha! Yes!

That’s right.
So, welcome.

Now, I understand
you do some pretty
wild stuff.

Could you do some
for us?

Yeah, well, I guess.

I mean, hey, this ain’t
cable, you know?

Your producers
kind of asked me,

"Hey, Dice, could you
tone it down a little?"

You know? But I
still really wanted
to do your show.

Well, that’s nice.
You’re a very nice
young man.

Let’s hear some.
I understand--

I understand you do
sort of a naughty
nursery rhyme bit.

That sounds wild.

Well, okay.

Kind of goes
something like this.

Jack and Jill
went up the hill,

and then they, uh--

they had intercourse.
Ohh!

( trumpet blows )

Whoa-oa-oa!

Hello!
It’s hot in here.
That is wild.

Are we still
on the air, Fred?
Is that okay?

That is wild stuff.
You are one weird,
wild, weird fella.

Yeah, I guess.

Ha ha! Yes!

Okay, I think we
ought to move on

because this
is getting just
a little bit weird.

That it is!

All right, our next guest,
you all know.

He’s a very, very busy man.

But he actually called us up
and asked us to have him
on the show.

He traveled all the way
from the Soviet Union.

Here he is. Please welcome
Mikhail Gorbachev.

*

Welcome.
Okay, all right.

Now, um--
Now, I understand,

right now,
in the Soviet Union,

they’re in the midst
of something
over there

that’s just wild.

Yes. Many of republics
within Soviet Union

are seeking independence,

which government,
of course, cannot tolerate.

Ohh!

JOHNNY: You can just
turn that off, Andrew.

Ha ha ha! Ye--

So, anyway, although
we do not wish
to use force,

there is danger
of full-scale civil war.

Civil war.
Wow, that is wild.

That is weird,
wild stuff.

I think that some
people out there
may not be aware

that the Soviet Union
is not all Russia.
Is that right?

Yes, it is composed of
15 separate republics.

That’s right.
Now, we made
a list of these.

And listen to some
of these names.

Uzbekistan.

Is that wild?
Is that wild?

Estonia.

That’s for you guys
in the band there.

Now, listen
to this one.

This one--
Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan.

That’s gotta be
the sound

that Dr. Renée
Richards makes

when her underwear
is too tight.

Azerbaijan!

Ha ha ha! Yes!

Now, I understand
you’ve brought a clip.

Now, does this need
any set-up?

No, it’s basically--
No.

All right, well,
let’s take a look.

( shouting )

Well, that--
Well, that--

Now, that is wild.
A lot of wild action.

Did you have fun
making that?

Because
that is weird.

Thank you.

So, where are you
gonna be next?

Well, tomorrow
I’ll be in Lithuania,

pleading with the masses
to stay in federation.

Then Tuesday, I’ll be
begging and groveling
in Latvia.

And on Thursday,
I’ll be in Moldavia

for three hours
of whining, pouting,

and letting
people hit me.

Ha ha! Yes!

Mr. Carson, please,
I have important purpose
for coming here.

May I address
your audience?

Yes, go right ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen...

live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Bonnie Raitt.

And starring
Christopher Walken.

ANNOUNCER: Hold it.

Is that what you’re
having for breakfast?

Sure.
Haven’t you heard?

Fiber is really
good for you.

Well, there’s fiber...

and then there’s
high-fiber.

Try this.

Mmm. Colon Blow.

Sounds delicious.

But is it really
higher in fiber

than my Oat Bran cereal?

Take a guess.
How many bowls of
your Oat Bran cereal

would it take to equal
the fiber content

of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Two.
Guess again.

Three.
A little higher.

Four?
Keep trying.

Five.

No, you’ll have to do
better than that.

Seven?
Guess again.

Eight?

We’ll give you
one more guess.

Nine.
Not even close.

It would take
over 30,000 bowls.

Whoa!
To eat that much
oat bran...

you’d have to eat
ten bowls a day,

every day,
for 8 1/2 years.

Wow! I think
I get the picture!

Colon Blow must be
the highest-fiber cereal
on the market!

Not anymore...now that
there’s new Super Colon Blow.

Super Colon Blow?

Whoa!
It would take
over 2 1/2 million bowls

of your Oat Bran cereal

to equal the fiber
content of one bowl
of Super Colon Blow.

I’m convinced.

* Colon Blow
and you-ou-ou-ou *

* In the morning *

Warning--may cause
abdominal distention.

Consult a physician.

*

Join us,
as our contestants compete

for cash and merchandise

on America’s most hauntingly
beautiful game show.

WOMAN: Eternity.

Eternity.

And here’s your host,

Blayne Emory!

Hello, everyone,
and welcome to Eternity.

You all know how
the game is played,

so let’s meet
our contestants.

First, our returning
champion--Werner.

Hello, Werner.

I am lost.

Well, all right.
Good luck to you
today.

Now, let’s welcome
our challenger--

a dancer with
the Korda Ballet
in Paris--

Juliette Delanois.

Now, Juliette,
I understand

that you recently
took an overdose
of laudanum

after being abandoned
by the married man

with whom
you’re obsessed?

Love is burning me up.
Burning!

All right, then,
good luck to you.

All right, Werner,
as our champion,

you’re in control
of the board. So...

pick a category!

And the categories are...

WERNER:
Madness for 100.

"...who’s giving you
the cold shoulder."

"You have stolen
my soul...

"and left me empty.

Fill me."

( ding ding )

All right, way to go!

You’re in control
of the board.

Madness for 200.

All right.

What you’d say to a lover

you’ve spent a little
too much time with.

I have become you.

And you me.

When I look at you,
I see myself.

Help me.

Destroy me.

Become me.

Until there is
nothing left of me.

Nothing left but you.

( buzz )
Oh, I’m sorry!

Juliette,
can you take it?

Nobody?

All right.

We were looking for,
"Everything I love, I destroy.

"And I love you.
And if you love me,

you’d help me
to let you go."

Liar.

That’s what it says here.

All right.

That concludes
our preliminary round.

It’s time to play
Final Eternity.

The category is...

And the question is--

Now, listen carefully.

You’re hot.
Your lover’s not.

What do you say to
let them know how you feel?

You’re hot.
Your lover’s not.

What do you say to
let them know how you feel?

*

( buzz )

Okay, let’s see what
our contestants wrote.

All right.
Werner, let’s see
what your answer was.

Oh, okay. Interesting.

Judges?
( buzz )

Oh, I’m sorry.

And what was
your wager?

Oh. 100.
He bet it all.

I’m afraid
that leaves you
with nothing.

Okay.

Moving on
to Juliette.

Let’s see what
her answer is.

Now, if she answers
this correctly,

she is our
new champion.

Let’s see what
she wrote. Okay...

( ding ding )
That’s absolutely
correct

We have a new champion!

*

All right,
that’s it for today.

We’ll be back tomorrow,
and for all eternity!

Good night!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

District of Columbia Mayor
Marion "The Straw" Barry...

was busted for
smoking crack this week,

and he has decided
not to run again.

Odd that we’d lose Barry
and Ed Koch in the same year,

considering
their similarities--

Koch’s catchphrase being
"How am I doing?"

and Barry’s being
"How much am I doing?"

Barry, uh--

Barry was forced
to leave office so quickly,

he didn’t even have time
to clean out his desk--

here manned by Deputy Mayor
Anthony Montana.

Marion Barry announced
he’ll quit politics

and enter
the commercial world,

lending his name
to a new cereal--

Cracklin’ Barry.

( laughs )

I wonder
if Marion’s watching.

’Cause you know he’s up.

You know--

You know,
the big story this week

is the fighting
in Azerbaijan.

It’s a complicated story,
but I’ll do my best to
clarify what’s going on.

Basically, it’s a centuries-old
ethnic dispute

between the Azerbaijanis--
who are Shiite Muslims--

and the indigenous
Armenians--

who were converted to
Christianity 1,000 years ago.

The tensions are centered on
centered on a disputed area--

Nagorno-Karabakh--
which is--

( Bonanzatheme playing )

I told Hop Sing
to keep the burner low.

You know...

while Mikhail Gorbachev was
visiting Lithuania this week

in a desperate bid
to keep it in the Republic,

Moscow seceded from the Union
and declared itself
part of France.

Upon returning,
Gorbachev circled
over Moscow for two hours,

trying to get
an entrance visa,

but finally gave up
and flew to the Ukraine,

where he was greeted
by Mexican officials.

Ever the jokesters,
President Bush and
Vice President Dan Quayle

this week made
an obscene phone call

to the orbiting Columbia
shuttle astronauts.

When Bush asked
the astronauts what it was
like to be weightless,

they said, "You’re sitting
next to Dan. Ask him."

And the McMartin
child abuse trial
ended this week--

the longest criminal trial
in U.S. history.

It lasted 32 months
and cost $19 million.

Immediately after hearing
the verdict in her case,

Peggy McMartin
molested her own eye.

And now, once again,
here’s Annoying Man.

Welcome, Annoying Man.

( whining )

Thank you.

I understand you made
a special New Year’s
resolution

concerning me, right?

Yes, I promise not to
annoy you anymore.

For example...
I won’t do this.

( scraping )

Okay, okay.

I get the idea, okay?

I get the idea.
Knock it off.

Sorry. Look, I made
you some brownies.

Would you like one?

No. No, thank you.

Oh, that’s too bad.
They’re real good.

( grunting )

Could you eat with
your mouth closed?

Aaaaah!

Stop. You’re
making me sick.

Stop it, Annoying Man.

Oh, I’m sorry.
Here, let me
make it up to you

and cut your hair.

My hair is fine.

Now it’s better.

What an idiot!
What did you do here?

( scraping )

Annoying--
What are you thinking?

What are you doing?
What are you thinking?

( British accent )
I love you.

Annoying Man,
everyone.

Thank you,
Annoying Man.

Of course, that’s Jon Lovitz
as Annoying Man.

And trust me--
he has to get a lot less
annoying than usual

to get into character.

Licked by Lovitz.

What concentric circle
of hell is that?

You know, the--

the National Highway
Traffic Safety Program

has announced a crackdown
on drunk drivers,

making the test for drunkenness
much more stringent.

As of February 1,
drivers thought to be drunk

will have to, 1--
get the little pellets
into the dog’s eyes,

or 2--figure out pi.

And from India today
comes news

of the death
of former Oregon guru
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh,

now known as
the Body-Bhagwan.

( laughs )

Oh, yeah, like we were
all tight with him, huh?

( laughs )

Born on the Fourth
of July.

Divorced on January 17.

Here’s Merv Griffin
last Sunday night

being presented
with the Scopus Award

from the American Friends
of the Hebrew University
in Los Angeles.

Presenting the award
to Griffin

is presiding chairman
Donald Trump.

As of 11:45 this evening,

neither one of the men
had let go of the award.

His news conference
was delayed on Tuesday

when former Surgeon General
Charles Everett Koop
refused to begin speaking

until every one
of the microphones

had been covered with one of
those foam windscreens.

And the huge asteroid impact
that scientists think
killed off dinosaurs

may have done its deadly deed
by blasting pebbles into space,

where, like billions
of tiny ballistic missiles,

they reentered the atmosphere
as searing fireballs.

Their heat would’ve ignited
a global firestorm
in the forests below,

killing off all dinosaurs
on the planet.

A second theory maintains
that the dinosaurs went to
the Hamptons for the weekend

and never came back.

The Washington Times
reports this week

that Donna Rice is now
a Born-again Christian
living in Washington, D.C.,

under the name
"Uncle Ben’s Converted Rice".

Do you want to know
hot overpopulated it is
in Nigeria?

This won’t even get you
in the carpool lane.

And the R.J. Reynolds
Tobacco Company--
giving in to a tax--

has cancelled plans
to market a cigarette
for black people called Uptown.

Instead, it will market a new
cigarette for white people
called Uptight.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

*

Hello!
Hi!

Ohh, boy!
Ohh!

Hi, I’m Linda Dano.

And I’m Dee Kelly.
Welcome to Attitudes.

Welcome. Hi, hi,
hi, hi, yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, this is
our first show

of the ’90s.

Welcome to the ’90s.
A new decade.

A new decade.
And what a decade
it’s going to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at all the
great stuff that’s
happened already.

Oh, I know. Um...

the Berlin Wall
happened.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And, um...
Romania happened.

Yes, exciting stuff.
Yeah.

And who knows what
the future has in store?

Maybe we’re going to
see some exciting new
medical breakthroughs.

Yes. How about it?
Please. Cures.
Give us cures.

Cures, yes.
You know, I read

where they’re going
to find a cure
for wrinkles.

You know,
I already have.

You do? What?
I eat.

( laughter )

Oh, no!
Ohh.

Tell us
about our show.

Well, he’s never had
any training as an actor.

No, and he’s never
auditioned for a part.

He’s never
had an agent,

but he’s been
on television
for some 15 years.

Now, he’s not
an athlete.

But you’ll see him
at the Super Bowl.

Some of you
know him well.

Others don’t
know him at all.

So, let’s please welcome
Rainbow Head.

Rainbow Head.

Hi!

Hi. How are you?

Hi, welcome.
Welcome.

Sit, sit, sit.
Sit, sit, sit.

Sit down.
Hello.

Rainbow Head.
Rainbow Head.

Yes, yes,
yes, yes.

Now, for those
who do not know you,

you are not a clown.

You’re one of those people
who puts on a funny mask
or a silly wig

and you go to football games
and wave to us on TV,
don’t you?

You’re so much fun.
Oh, I just love
you guys.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, actually,
I was the very first

to create this form
of fan expression.

You gave birth to
the phenomenon, didn’t you?

To be honest,
I rather resent

being lumped together
with those other guys.

Oh, sorry.

You were
a pioneer.

We’ve got people
in the stands,

painting their torsos
and shaving their heads,

wearing Nixon masks.

It’s getting ridiculous.

They turned it into
some kind of freak show.

But you were
a pioneer.
Right.

You know,
we are pioneers.

We’re the first
two women to host
a talk show.

And they kept
telling us,

"Who’s
the sidekick?"

We’re both
the sidekicks.

( laughter )

Hey, it works.
We’re here.

With Rainbow Head.
Rainbow Head

So...

There are so many
Johnny-come-latelys.

Take, for example,
a certain chicken.

I’m not gonna say his name.
I don’t want to dignify
what he does.

Oh, it’s the San Diego
Chicken, isn’t it?

I love him!
He’s so cute, isn’t he?

He’s a whore.

Yeah, yeah.

Go anywhere for money.

I want you to know

that I have not asked
for dime one

in 15 years.

Wow, 15 years.
You’re a pioneer.

Now,
how did it start?

How did this whole
rainbow look happen?

It evolved, really.

I wanted to get
the camera’s attention.

So, I figured, uh...

what if I wore
a multicolored afro wig?

Afro wig.
Afro-Americans.

Afro-Americans, yes.

Okay, now, um, John--

John 3:16.

For those of us
who don’t know football--

which are a lot of us--

who is that?
Who is John 3:16?

Is he a quarterback?
Is he a player?
What? What?

No, it’s the reason
I do this.

It’s a verse
from the Bible.

Oh, the Bible--
bestselling book ever.

Yes. Bible. It is.

Old, old, very old,
very good book.

Now, um...

what does
this verse say?
What does it say?

It says that, uh...

whosoever believes in Jesus
will have eternal life.

Beautiful.
Words to think about.

Beautiful words.
Words to think about.

Yes.
Eternal life.

Do you want
to live forever?

I don’t know.
I haven’t really
thought about it. Do you?

Not in this body.

( laughter )

Ohh.

What--

What does
Rainbow Head want?

Is there
a pot of gold

at the end of
Rainbow Head’s
rainbow?

I don’t think so.

Well, do you want
to know what I think?

I think that, at the end of the
Rainbow Head’s rainbow--

I think it’s going up
through the clouds to heaven.

That’s what I think.

Well said.
Thank you.

Rainbow Head’s
going to heaven.
Yeah.

Chills, chills.

It feels good, doesn’t it?
It feels good, yeah.

Thank you, Rainbow Head.

Thank you so much
for being here.

Rainbow Head.
Rainbow Head.

Rainbow Head.

Yeah!
Sit.

Sit down.
Let me tell ya--

So, now, who’s on
the show tomorrow?

Dr. Leslie East
is going to teach us

how to cope with
the winter blahs.

And I’m gonna
get in a tank
with a porpoise.

Aaaah!
I am!

( laughter )

Bye, everybody.
Yeah.

*

Good night.

Wow. Who’s the
victim tonight?

David.

Still David?

He’s the most
wonderful man
I’ve ever known.

Well, he’s rich.
It’s not just that.

Yeah, right.

It’s not. It’s how
he spends the money.

It’s not furs
and diamonds.

It’s little things,
like--

like when his lady
sends a limo for me.

And once my plants
were dying,

so he hired a service
to take care of them.

Now they come
every Thursday.

And once, we were
driving in a carriage
through the park,

and he hired this
strolling violinist

to run along and play.

And you know what?
He has people who
shop for him.

Wow, that’s how
to live in the city.

Look, I’ll see you
Monday, okay?

Okay, bye, Bill.
Bye.

Is, uh--

Is there
a Linda Parker
in this office?

Yeah, she’s
right over there.

Oh.

Hi.
Miss Parker.

David Crane sent me.

Oh, is he
running late again?

No, not really.

Oh. Are you
the limo driver?

No. Miss Parker,
Mr. Crane retained
my services

to tell you...
it’s over.

What’s over?

Your relationship.

With David? Well...

if it was over,
he would’ve told me.

Well, technically,
he istelling you.

In fact,
he’s been wanting to
for several days,

but he’s been so busy.

I don’t believe David
would do anything
that cheap.

Let me assure you,
this service
is not cheap.

And the fact that
David chose us
to cut you loose

speaks very highly
of you.

( crying )
Well, it doesn’t speak
very highly of him!

Oh. He didn’t tell me.
You’re a weeper.

Well, yes, I am!

There, there.

But why didn’t he
call me?

Phone calls
are very impersonal,

and he knew
you would hate that.
Yes, I would.

He’s always thoughtful.

Yes, he is.

No, he’s not!
He’s a real bastard!

I couldn’t agree more.

I am so angry
and hurt!

I know exactly
how you feel.

Nobody knows
how I feel!

You’re exactly right.
I have no idea
how you feel.

I feel so stupid
and used.

Of course you do.

I understand. Here.

This is David’s
handkerchief.

He wanted me
to hand it to you.

You can blow into it.

He has
a cleaning service.

I could just
smash his face in.

Would you like to?

Go ahead.

Okay.
All right, David.

I hate you!
I hate you, I hate you!

Better?
A little bit.

Here’s a bag of your
personal effects

from Mr. Crane’s
apartment.

This is so humiliating.

I wish I could
tell him off.

Very well.

This is Linda Parker
telling off David Crane.

Three, two, one...

Okay. All right.
Hello, David.

You think that money
can solve every problem?

Well, without your wallet,
you’re nothing!

And, uh, I--

You can buy anything
in the world,

but you can’t buy me!

Okay, I’m done.
Okay.

I’ll see
he gets that.

Okay. You know,
what hurts the most is...

he doesn’t care.

He never really cared
about me anyway.

That’s not true.

Mr. Crane has
authorized me

to say this
on his behalf.

May I have your
hand, please?

Oh, my darling Linda,
this is one of the
most difficult things

I have ever had to hire
anyone to do for me.

When I think that your
loveliness and kindness

will be gone
from my life forever,

it hurts me
more than I can say.

I love you always.
David.

You may keep this.

Thank you.

Mr. Crane says
you may also keep
the ring.

Oh, okay.

But I’m going
to have to have
the hammer back.

Oh, I’m sorry.

And now, if I can just
have one more moment
of your time...

would you sign here,
please?

And initial here.

And here.
What’s this?

It’s just a document
to show that you’ve
been dumped.

Okay.
This is your copy.

And may I say...

it’s been a pleasure
serving you.

Thank you.

Oh, um...

is there an...

Ellen Bishop
on this floor?

Oh, yeah. But she’s
at the restaurant
downstairs.

They’re throwing
a baby shower for her.
Baby shower?

Oh, well. Thanks again.

And may I say...you’re
a very strong woman.

Thank you.

Thank you
for coming, and I--

I thank you
for coming.

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