Original subtitles

*

That’s, um--

We, um--

( indistinct )

We--We are back. We are back.

And, um, we have a great, great show tonight.

But before we bring out our first guest,

as you know, Ed is not with us tonight.

He’s a bit-- He’s a bit under the weather.

And Doc is also not here.

I’m surprised any of the guys in the band are here.

They are weird with those funny cigarettes.

They are very weird. It’s just wild.

So, anyway, what we’re gonna do--

we’re gonna try something that’s a little weird.

This is something we’ve never done before.

But, since Ed’s not here, our technicians got together

and rigged up this little machine using Ed’s voice,

and it’ll take Ed’s place when he’s not here.

So, Ed, it’s gonna be some show tonight, huh?

Yes! You are correct, sir!

Well, that is just wild.

Ha ha! Yes!

That is a little weird.

That’s a little skewed.

That it is.

Not the normal-- No.

Okay, well, let’s move on.

We’ve never done this before.

No, we have not.

Okay, well, our first guest tonight--

our first guest tonight is a little weird.

Yes!

I could have you deported.

Anyway, he’s a stand-up comic

whose material is actually pretty blue, pretty adult.

So, if you have any kids in the room,

you may want to send them to the kitchen,

because he’s a little weird.

So, let’s bring him out. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay.

*

Andrew.

Hello.

Welcome. You can just move Ed over to the couch.

It won’t mind.

Ha ha! Yes!

That’s right. So, welcome.

Now, I understand you do some pretty wild stuff.

Could you do some for us?

Yeah, well, I guess.

I mean, hey, this ain’t cable, you know?

Your producers kind of asked me,

"Hey, Dice, could you tone it down a little?"

You know? But I still really wanted to do your show.

Well, that’s nice. You’re a very nice young man.

Let’s hear some. I understand--

I understand you do sort of a naughty nursery rhyme bit.

That sounds wild.

Well, okay.

Kind of goes something like this.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

and then they, uh--

they had intercourse. Ohh!

( trumpet blows )

Whoa-oa-oa!

Hello! It’s hot in here. That is wild.

Are we still on the air, Fred? Is that okay?

That is wild stuff. You are one weird, wild, weird fella.

Yeah, I guess.

Ha ha! Yes!

Okay, I think we ought to move on

because this is getting just a little bit weird.

That it is!

All right, our next guest, you all know.

He’s a very, very busy man.

But he actually called us up and asked us to have him on the show.

He traveled all the way from the Soviet Union.

Here he is. Please welcome Mikhail Gorbachev.

*

Welcome. Okay, all right.

Now, um-- Now, I understand,

right now, in the Soviet Union,

they’re in the midst of something over there

that’s just wild.

Yes. Many of republics within Soviet Union

are seeking independence,

which government, of course, cannot tolerate.

Ohh!

JOHNNY: You can just turn that off, Andrew.

Ha ha ha! Ye--

So, anyway, although we do not wish to use force,

there is danger of full-scale civil war.

Civil war. Wow, that is wild.

That is weird, wild stuff.

I think that some people out there may not be aware

that the Soviet Union is not all Russia. Is that right?

Yes, it is composed of 15 separate republics.

That’s right. Now, we made a list of these.

And listen to some of these names.

Uzbekistan.

Is that wild? Is that wild?

Estonia.

That’s for you guys in the band there.

Now, listen to this one.

This one-- Azerbaijan.

Azerbaijan.

That’s gotta be the sound

that Dr. Renée Richards makes

when her underwear is too tight.

Azerbaijan!

Ha ha ha! Yes!

Now, I understand you’ve brought a clip.

Now, does this need any set-up?

No, it’s basically-- No.

All right, well, let’s take a look.

( shouting )

Well, that-- Well, that--

Now, that is wild. A lot of wild action.

Did you have fun making that?

Because that is weird.

Thank you.

So, where are you gonna be next?

Well, tomorrow I’ll be in Lithuania,

pleading with the masses to stay in federation.

Then Tuesday, I’ll be begging and groveling in Latvia.

And on Thursday, I’ll be in Moldavia

for three hours of whining, pouting,

and letting people hit me.

Ha ha! Yes!

Mr. Carson, please, I have important purpose for coming here.

May I address your audience?

Yes, go right ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen...

live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Bonnie Raitt.

And starring Christopher Walken.

ANNOUNCER: Hold it.

Is that what you’re having for breakfast?

Sure. Haven’t you heard?

Fiber is really good for you.

Well, there’s fiber...

and then there’s high-fiber.

Try this.

Mmm. Colon Blow.

Sounds delicious.

But is it really higher in fiber

than my Oat Bran cereal?

Take a guess. How many bowls of your Oat Bran cereal

would it take to equal the fiber content

of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Two. Guess again.

Three. A little higher.

Four? Keep trying.

Five.

No, you’ll have to do better than that.

Seven? Guess again.

Eight?

We’ll give you one more guess.

Nine. Not even close.

It would take over 30,000 bowls.

Whoa! To eat that much oat bran...

you’d have to eat ten bowls a day,

every day, for 8 1/2 years.

Wow! I think I get the picture!

Colon Blow must be the highest-fiber cereal on the market!

Not anymore...now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.

Super Colon Blow?

Whoa! It would take over 2 1/2 million bowls

of your Oat Bran cereal

to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.

I’m convinced.

* Colon Blow and you-ou-ou-ou *

* In the morning *

Warning--may cause abdominal distention.

Consult a physician.

*

Join us, as our contestants compete

for cash and merchandise

on America’s most hauntingly beautiful game show.

WOMAN: Eternity.

Eternity.

And here’s your host,

Blayne Emory!

Hello, everyone, and welcome to Eternity.

You all know how the game is played,

so let’s meet our contestants.

First, our returning champion--Werner.

Hello, Werner.

I am lost.

Well, all right. Good luck to you today.

Now, let’s welcome our challenger--

a dancer with the Korda Ballet in Paris--

Juliette Delanois.

Now, Juliette, I understand

that you recently took an overdose of laudanum

after being abandoned by the married man

with whom you’re obsessed?

Love is burning me up. Burning!

All right, then, good luck to you.

All right, Werner, as our champion,

you’re in control of the board. So...

pick a category!

And the categories are...

WERNER: Madness for 100.

"...who’s giving you the cold shoulder."

"You have stolen my soul...

"and left me empty.

Fill me."

( ding ding )

All right, way to go!

You’re in control of the board.

Madness for 200.

All right.

What you’d say to a lover

you’ve spent a little too much time with.

I have become you.

And you me.

When I look at you, I see myself.

Help me.

Destroy me.

Become me.

Until there is nothing left of me.

Nothing left but you.

( buzz ) Oh, I’m sorry!

Juliette, can you take it?

Nobody?

All right.

We were looking for, "Everything I love, I destroy.

"And I love you. And if you love me,

you’d help me to let you go."

Liar.

That’s what it says here.

All right.

That concludes our preliminary round.

It’s time to play Final Eternity.

The category is...

And the question is--

Now, listen carefully.

You’re hot. Your lover’s not.

What do you say to let them know how you feel?

You’re hot. Your lover’s not.

What do you say to let them know how you feel?

*

( buzz )

Okay, let’s see what our contestants wrote.

All right. Werner, let’s see what your answer was.

Oh, okay. Interesting.

Judges? ( buzz )

Oh, I’m sorry.

And what was your wager?

Oh. 100. He bet it all.

I’m afraid that leaves you with nothing.

Okay.

Moving on to Juliette.

Let’s see what her answer is.

Now, if she answers this correctly,

she is our new champion.

Let’s see what she wrote. Okay...

( ding ding ) That’s absolutely correct

We have a new champion!

*

All right, that’s it for today.

We’ll be back tomorrow, and for all eternity!

Good night!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening, and what can I tell you?

District of Columbia Mayor Marion "The Straw" Barry...

was busted for smoking crack this week,

and he has decided not to run again.

Odd that we’d lose Barry and Ed Koch in the same year,

considering their similarities--

Koch’s catchphrase being "How am I doing?"

and Barry’s being "How much am I doing?"

Barry, uh--

Barry was forced to leave office so quickly,

he didn’t even have time to clean out his desk--

here manned by Deputy Mayor Anthony Montana.

Marion Barry announced he’ll quit politics

and enter the commercial world,

lending his name to a new cereal--

Cracklin’ Barry.

( laughs )

I wonder if Marion’s watching.

’Cause you know he’s up.

You know--

You know, the big story this week

is the fighting in Azerbaijan.

It’s a complicated story, but I’ll do my best to clarify what’s going on.

Basically, it’s a centuries-old ethnic dispute

between the Azerbaijanis-- who are Shiite Muslims--

and the indigenous Armenians--

who were converted to Christianity 1,000 years ago.

The tensions are centered on centered on a disputed area--

Nagorno-Karabakh-- which is--

( Bonanzatheme playing )

I told Hop Sing to keep the burner low.

You know...

while Mikhail Gorbachev was visiting Lithuania this week

in a desperate bid to keep it in the Republic,

Moscow seceded from the Union and declared itself part of France.

Upon returning, Gorbachev circled over Moscow for two hours,

trying to get an entrance visa,

but finally gave up and flew to the Ukraine,

where he was greeted by Mexican officials.

Ever the jokesters, President Bush and Vice President Dan Quayle

this week made an obscene phone call

to the orbiting Columbia shuttle astronauts.

When Bush asked the astronauts what it was like to be weightless,

they said, "You’re sitting next to Dan. Ask him."

And the McMartin child abuse trial ended this week--

the longest criminal trial in U.S. history.

It lasted 32 months and cost $19 million.

Immediately after hearing the verdict in her case,

Peggy McMartin molested her own eye.

And now, once again, here’s Annoying Man.

Welcome, Annoying Man.

( whining )

Thank you.

I understand you made a special New Year’s resolution

concerning me, right?

Yes, I promise not to annoy you anymore.

For example... I won’t do this.

( scraping )

Okay, okay.

I get the idea, okay?

I get the idea. Knock it off.

Sorry. Look, I made you some brownies.

Would you like one?

No. No, thank you.

Oh, that’s too bad. They’re real good.

( grunting )

Could you eat with your mouth closed?

Aaaaah!

Stop. You’re making me sick.

Stop it, Annoying Man.

Oh, I’m sorry. Here, let me make it up to you

and cut your hair.

My hair is fine.

Now it’s better.

What an idiot! What did you do here?

( scraping )

Annoying-- What are you thinking?

What are you doing? What are you thinking?

( British accent ) I love you.

Annoying Man, everyone.

Thank you, Annoying Man.

Of course, that’s Jon Lovitz as Annoying Man.

And trust me-- he has to get a lot less annoying than usual

to get into character.

Licked by Lovitz.

What concentric circle of hell is that?

You know, the--

the National Highway Traffic Safety Program

has announced a crackdown on drunk drivers,

making the test for drunkenness much more stringent.

As of February 1, drivers thought to be drunk

will have to, 1-- get the little pellets into the dog’s eyes,

or 2--figure out pi.

And from India today comes news

of the death of former Oregon guru Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh,

now known as the Body-Bhagwan.

( laughs )

Oh, yeah, like we were all tight with him, huh?

( laughs )

Born on the Fourth of July.

Divorced on January 17.

Here’s Merv Griffin last Sunday night

being presented with the Scopus Award

from the American Friends of the Hebrew University in Los Angeles.

Presenting the award to Griffin

is presiding chairman Donald Trump.

As of 11:45 this evening,

neither one of the men had let go of the award.

His news conference was delayed on Tuesday

when former Surgeon General Charles Everett Koop refused to begin speaking

until every one of the microphones

had been covered with one of those foam windscreens.

And the huge asteroid impact that scientists think killed off dinosaurs

may have done its deadly deed by blasting pebbles into space,

where, like billions of tiny ballistic missiles,

they reentered the atmosphere as searing fireballs.

Their heat would’ve ignited a global firestorm in the forests below,

killing off all dinosaurs on the planet.

A second theory maintains that the dinosaurs went to the Hamptons for the weekend

and never came back.

The Washington Times reports this week

that Donna Rice is now a Born-again Christian living in Washington, D.C.,

under the name "Uncle Ben’s Converted Rice".

Do you want to know hot overpopulated it is in Nigeria?

This won’t even get you in the carpool lane.

And the R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Company-- giving in to a tax--

has cancelled plans to market a cigarette for black people called Uptown.

Instead, it will market a new cigarette for white people called Uptight.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

*

Hello! Hi!

Ohh, boy! Ohh!

Hi, I’m Linda Dano.

And I’m Dee Kelly. Welcome to Attitudes.

Welcome. Hi, hi, hi, hi, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, this is our first show

of the ’90s.

Welcome to the ’90s. A new decade.

A new decade. And what a decade it’s going to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at all the great stuff that’s happened already.

Oh, I know. Um...

the Berlin Wall happened. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And, um... Romania happened.

Yes, exciting stuff. Yeah.

And who knows what the future has in store?

Maybe we’re going to see some exciting new medical breakthroughs.

Yes. How about it? Please. Cures. Give us cures.

Cures, yes. You know, I read

where they’re going to find a cure for wrinkles.

You know, I already have.

You do? What? I eat.

( laughter )

Oh, no! Ohh.

Tell us about our show.

Well, he’s never had any training as an actor.

No, and he’s never auditioned for a part.

He’s never had an agent,

but he’s been on television for some 15 years.

Now, he’s not an athlete.

But you’ll see him at the Super Bowl.

Some of you know him well.

Others don’t know him at all.

So, let’s please welcome Rainbow Head.

Rainbow Head.

Hi!

Hi. How are you?

Hi, welcome. Welcome.

Sit, sit, sit. Sit, sit, sit.

Sit down. Hello.

Rainbow Head. Rainbow Head.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Now, for those who do not know you,

you are not a clown.

You’re one of those people who puts on a funny mask or a silly wig

and you go to football games and wave to us on TV, don’t you?

You’re so much fun. Oh, I just love you guys.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, actually, I was the very first

to create this form of fan expression.

You gave birth to the phenomenon, didn’t you?

To be honest, I rather resent

being lumped together with those other guys.

Oh, sorry.

You were a pioneer.

We’ve got people in the stands,

painting their torsos and shaving their heads,

wearing Nixon masks.

It’s getting ridiculous.

They turned it into some kind of freak show.

But you were a pioneer. Right.

You know, we are pioneers.

We’re the first two women to host a talk show.

And they kept telling us,

"Who’s the sidekick?"

We’re both the sidekicks.

( laughter )

Hey, it works. We’re here.

With Rainbow Head. Rainbow Head

So...

There are so many Johnny-come-latelys.

Take, for example, a certain chicken.

I’m not gonna say his name. I don’t want to dignify what he does.

Oh, it’s the San Diego Chicken, isn’t it?

I love him! He’s so cute, isn’t he?

He’s a whore.

Yeah, yeah.

Go anywhere for money.

I want you to know

that I have not asked for dime one

in 15 years.

Wow, 15 years. You’re a pioneer.

Now, how did it start?

How did this whole rainbow look happen?

It evolved, really.

I wanted to get the camera’s attention.

So, I figured, uh...

what if I wore a multicolored afro wig?

Afro wig. Afro-Americans.

Afro-Americans, yes.

Okay, now, um, John--

John 3:16.

For those of us who don’t know football--

which are a lot of us--

who is that? Who is John 3:16?

Is he a quarterback? Is he a player? What? What?

No, it’s the reason I do this.

It’s a verse from the Bible.

Oh, the Bible-- bestselling book ever.

Yes. Bible. It is.

Old, old, very old, very good book.

Now, um...

what does this verse say? What does it say?

It says that, uh...

whosoever believes in Jesus will have eternal life.

Beautiful. Words to think about.

Beautiful words. Words to think about.

Yes. Eternal life.

Do you want to live forever?

I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. Do you?

Not in this body.

( laughter )

Ohh.

What--

What does Rainbow Head want?

Is there a pot of gold

at the end of Rainbow Head’s rainbow?

I don’t think so.

Well, do you want to know what I think?

I think that, at the end of the Rainbow Head’s rainbow--

I think it’s going up through the clouds to heaven.

That’s what I think.

Well said. Thank you.

Rainbow Head’s going to heaven. Yeah.

Chills, chills.

It feels good, doesn’t it? It feels good, yeah.

Thank you, Rainbow Head.

Thank you so much for being here.

Rainbow Head. Rainbow Head.

Rainbow Head.

Yeah! Sit.

Sit down. Let me tell ya--

So, now, who’s on the show tomorrow?

Dr. Leslie East is going to teach us

how to cope with the winter blahs.

And I’m gonna get in a tank with a porpoise.

Aaaah! I am!

( laughter )

Bye, everybody. Yeah.

*

Good night.

Wow. Who’s the victim tonight?

David.

Still David?

He’s the most wonderful man I’ve ever known.

Well, he’s rich. It’s not just that.

Yeah, right.

It’s not. It’s how he spends the money.

It’s not furs and diamonds.

It’s little things, like--

like when his lady sends a limo for me.

And once my plants were dying,

so he hired a service to take care of them.

Now they come every Thursday.

And once, we were driving in a carriage through the park,

and he hired this strolling violinist

to run along and play.

And you know what? He has people who shop for him.

Wow, that’s how to live in the city.

Look, I’ll see you Monday, okay?

Okay, bye, Bill. Bye.

Is, uh--

Is there a Linda Parker in this office?

Yeah, she’s right over there.

Oh.

Hi. Miss Parker.

David Crane sent me.

Oh, is he running late again?

No, not really.

Oh. Are you the limo driver?

No. Miss Parker, Mr. Crane retained my services

to tell you... it’s over.

What’s over?

Your relationship.

With David? Well...

if it was over, he would’ve told me.

Well, technically, he istelling you.

In fact, he’s been wanting to for several days,

but he’s been so busy.

I don’t believe David would do anything that cheap.

Let me assure you, this service is not cheap.

And the fact that David chose us to cut you loose

speaks very highly of you.

( crying ) Well, it doesn’t speak very highly of him!

Oh. He didn’t tell me. You’re a weeper.

Well, yes, I am!

There, there.

But why didn’t he call me?

Phone calls are very impersonal,

and he knew you would hate that. Yes, I would.

He’s always thoughtful.

Yes, he is.

No, he’s not! He’s a real bastard!

I couldn’t agree more.

I am so angry and hurt!

I know exactly how you feel.

Nobody knows how I feel!

You’re exactly right. I have no idea how you feel.

I feel so stupid and used.

Of course you do.

I understand. Here.

This is David’s handkerchief.

He wanted me to hand it to you.

You can blow into it.

He has a cleaning service.

I could just smash his face in.

Would you like to?

Go ahead.

Okay. All right, David.

I hate you! I hate you, I hate you!

Better? A little bit.

Here’s a bag of your personal effects

from Mr. Crane’s apartment.

This is so humiliating.

I wish I could tell him off.

Very well.

This is Linda Parker telling off David Crane.

Three, two, one...

Okay. All right. Hello, David.

You think that money can solve every problem?

Well, without your wallet, you’re nothing!

And, uh, I--

You can buy anything in the world,

but you can’t buy me!

Okay, I’m done. Okay.

I’ll see he gets that.

Okay. You know, what hurts the most is...

he doesn’t care.

He never really cared about me anyway.

That’s not true.

Mr. Crane has authorized me

to say this on his behalf.

May I have your hand, please?

Oh, my darling Linda, this is one of the most difficult things

I have ever had to hire anyone to do for me.

When I think that your loveliness and kindness

will be gone from my life forever,

it hurts me more than I can say.

I love you always. David.

You may keep this.

Thank you.

Mr. Crane says you may also keep the ring.

Oh, okay.

But I’m going to have to have the hammer back.

Oh, I’m sorry.

And now, if I can just have one more moment of your time...

would you sign here, please?

And initial here.

And here. What’s this?

It’s just a document to show that you’ve been dumped.

Okay. This is your copy.

And may I say...

it’s been a pleasure serving you.

Thank you.

Oh, um...

is there an...

Ellen Bishop on this floor?

Oh, yeah. But she’s at the restaurant downstairs.

They’re throwing a baby shower for her. Baby shower?

Oh, well. Thanks again.

And may I say...you’re a very strong woman.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming, and I--

I thank you for coming.

*