Original subtitles

*

Well, hello, Manuel.

Hello, George.

Can you fellas give us a couple of minutes here?

Thank you.

It’s all right.

So, how you doing? They treating you well in here?

Better than the Vatican.

So, tell me, how’s Bar?

She’s good, doing good.

Jeb? Just great, doing great.

Neil? Oh, he’s fine.

Is business okay? ’Cause I know he had that rough spot there.

No, he’s fine. Fired that partner of his down there.

Oh, yeah--Charles. Yeah, yeah.

George, Jr.? He’s fine.

How’s my little princess?

Doro? Doing good, doing good.

Finally cut that hair of hers.

Yeah, I know. I-- Well, she doesn’t care what I think.

Well, Manuel, I don’t have a lot of time.

Let me get right to the point here.

I know I said a lot of nasty things about you,

sending those troops down there to overthrow you

in that whole canal area.

Didn’t want to do it. But had to do it.

You know, you kind of forced my hand there,

kind of brought it on yourself.

I know. I was really out of control, you know?

I needed to be reeled in, man.

You did me a favor.

Well, that’s all in the past.

What we need to be concerned about is the future.

With this trial thing coming up,

I think you’ll agree there’s no point

in airing a lot of dirty laundry.

Excuse me.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

That’s history, it’s over.

It’s gone! It’s gone!

I know, I know. Ohh...

still, we had some good times, huh?

Yeah, we sure did. We did.

Oh, those old days.

Remember that time at Bill Gates’ birthday party?

Man, you were so faced!

You know, I think that’s the most I ever drank

in my life.

Hey, hey! Remember this?

Oh, boy, not the scrapbook, Manuel.

Look, look.

There’s you, there’s me,

there’s Donald Rice.

( chuckling ) That’s good.

You know, we were some kind of team, you and me.

Boy, with my ideas, your prudence--

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I tell you, man, at our peak,

we could’ve overthrown any government in the hemisphere!

Well, anyway, Manny, gotta go.

Got some things to do. Glad we had a chance to talk here.

Good to see you understand

about the dirty laundry thing,

and that you understand that a deal

is completely out of the question.

I know, I know. Heh!

You know, though, the one thing that bothers me

about what happened is that--

Well, what do you know?

Sitting there in jail this last week,

I came up with my best plan yet!

Manny, I’m not interested.

No, no, of course not.

I’m not even sure you’d like this plan.

It would involve eliminating Daniel Ortega.

I know what you’re trying to do there, Manuel.

( chuckling )

It’s not gonna work. Not gonna work.

We’re through. I’m the President now.

I know, I know. Besides, for this...

you would need a miniature submarine.

Not gonna do it, Manuel.

Read my lips-- na’ ga’ da’!

Well, you’re right. I’ll just destroy this plan.

I’d hate to see it fall into the wrong hands, you know?

’Cause it’s a really good plan.

Mini-sub, huh?

Well, I know. I’ll just eat this plan. It’s only three pages.

Hold on there, Manuel.

Tell me more about this mini-submarine idea.

*

There he is! Okay!

Now, on my signal... All right.

This had better work.

On my signal, you throw it out the porthole!

And you pedal like crazy!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Harry Connick, Jr.

And starring Ed O’Neill.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed O’Neill!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Now, before I begin--

for those of you who don’t get Fox Television in your city--

I’m not a contest winner.

I’m not a retiring cameraman being given a fond send-off.

And, uh... I’m not Robert De Niro

preparing for an upcoming role as a schlub.

I’m actually a genuine celebrity.

My name is Ed O’Neill, and I’m the star

of the television show Married... With Children.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There’s a special significance to my hosting Saturday Night Live,

because over the past year,

both this show and Married... With Children

have come under attack from certain groups

for crossing the boundaries of good taste.

Now, we’ve both lost some sponsors,

we’ve both had some bad press.

But it’s one year later,

and Saturday Night Live is still here,

and Married... With Children is still here,

and we’re both gonna be here for a long time to come.

Hi. Excuse me. Ed.

Hi, Ed.

Hey, guys, what’s up?

We were watching with the cast backstage,

and we heard what you said.

Um...well, look, we would kind of appreciate it

if you could please not, you know,

link our show with yours.

Yeah, ’cause, you know, um--

I gotta be honest with you here--

we find your show, uh, incredible offensive.

I mean, it’s just gross.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

I saw the last episode,

and it just really made my stomach turn.

So, if you’d just leave us out of it, that would be good.

Oh, okay. Okay, great.

Otherwise, you’re doing great.

Good luck. See you later.

Okay, take care.

That’s Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks.

Well, there’s another special significance

to my hosting Saturday Night Live,

because, for the first time, a performer from the Fox Television Network

has been invited to host Saturday Night Live.

Fox has taken some flak,

and we’ve been the brunt of a lot of jokes,

but I think this shows that Fox has arrived

and is gonna be here for a long time.

Hey, Maury Povich from A Current Affair!

How you doing, Maury?

Ed, uh--

How’s Connie?

Connie’s fine, Ed.

But, uh, Ed, look--

if you could possibly downplay your association with Fox...

we’d really appreciate it.

Because, frankly, a lot of us at Fox

find the show sickening.

It’s sophomoric, it’s crude.

You know, it’s just a lot of third-rate bathroom humor.

And it’s hardly representative

of the quality programming at Fox.

Okay. Yeah.

I mean, we’ve got the guys at The Reporters--

they’re busting their butts. Yeah, I know.

The kids at Jump Street, you know?

Oh, and, of course, myself

and the great staff at A Current Affair.

( A Current Affair sound effect plays )

I’m sorry.

Otherwise, hey, I think it’s going great for you.

Thanks. See you later, Maury.

See you later.

( A Current Affair sound effect plays )

Okay, well, I guess maybe there’s no significance to me being here,

but Harry Connick, Jr.’s here, and that’s something.

Stick around. We’ll be right back.

* She’s on the go, moving fast *

* She’s gonna make that smooth look last *

* She’s Bizi Lady *

* Bizi Lady *

* She’s moving up, and men don’t care *

* ’Cause they can’t see unwanted hair *

* Oh, Bizi Lady, oh *

* Bizi Lady *

* It’s soft to touch *

* Not like a man *

* She’s gonna stay as smooth as she can *

* With Bizi Lady, yeah *

* Bizi Lady, yeah *

* She’s soft and sleek *

* Smooth and soft *

* Sleek and soft *

* Soft and soft *

* Bizi Lady *

Now there isn’t anywhere you can’t be smooth.

Bizi Lady-- the anywhere shaver--

from Go Girl Products.

Can I help you, lady?

Yes, you can. The recipe I’m using

calls for a foot-long salami.

Do you have a foot-long salami?

Have I got a salami?

Oh, I got a salami, lady,

and I do believe it’s 12 inches long. Right, Tony?

Maybe bigger.

That’s what I’m thinkin’.

So, yeah, I got your salami right here.

Tony, where’s that salami?

Oh, it’s hanging right up there next to the bratwurst.

Oh, yeah. Here. Here you are, lady.

Here’s a nice salami. Cost you $5.

Okay. Thank you.

I hope it’s the size you need.

Can I help you, sir?

Jeez, my throat is so scratchy.

I got this tickle.

Do you have a lozenge or a hard candy?

I need something to suck on.

Oh, I got something you can suck on.

You can suck on this all day.

It’s a 12-hour lozenge. Brand-new, right off the market.

Oh, great, thanks.

Now, don’t fall asleep with it in your mouth.

Okay, I won’t.

Excuse me. I was looking for a gift for my grandmother.

I’d kind of like it to be sort of a surprise.

Oh, I got a surprise for Granny.

It’s something that will make her eyes pop right out, right, Tony?

You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?

Yeah, somethin’ she hasn’t had in a long time,

but I’ll bet she wants some again.

A beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates.

Oh, that’s perfect.

That’ll be $15.

There you go. Thanks a lot.

Be careful. They’re sticky.

Can I help you, lady?

No, I’ll find what I need.

Well, you know, if I could help--

What do I look-- stupid?

Listen, lady, you come in here every day,

and every day, you’re mean and crabby.

You know what you need?

No. What?

I’ll tell you what you need.

What you need is a good, long, hot...

bubble bath. That’s what you need.

Well, do you have one you could recommend?

To be honest, I don’t. Tony, could you recommend a bubble bath?

Uh...Bubble King?

Don’t listen to him. He’s not right.

You’d be better off trying Walgreens across the street.

Oh, yeah? Thanks for nothin’.

No pleasin’ some people, eh?

Ooh, I got something that please her

right here in my pants.

Yeah?

Yeah, it’s a bubble sample.

Came in the mail.

( chuckles )

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Do you sell costumes, fright wigs,

rubber spiders, something really scary?

Hmm.

Yeah, I got something really scary.

Scared the hell out of my wife

first time I showed it to her.

She said, "You come near me with that thing,

I’m divorcing you."

I like to call it my "one-eyed monster".

Well, can you show it to me?

You sure you want to see it?

Well, sure I am.

Okay, come here.

Come on.

Look down here behind the counter.

Aaah! Aah!

Huh? That’s pretty scary, huh?

Yeah, it’s a rubber Cyclops mask.

See, you got the eye right there in the middle.

That’s really awful. I love it.

Yeah, 30 bucks.

You got yourself a deal.

Keep it dry. Thanks.

Listen, Tony, I think I’m gonna go home for lunch today.

Yeah, home for lunch? What’s the occasion?

Well, the wife hasn’t seen the old Johnson

for quite a while.

Hey, that’s not good. She’s gotta miss him.

I know, that’s why I invited him over. Good idea.

Hey, how old is the old Johnson now?

He’s 83. The young Johnson is 65,

so he’s really not that young.

Pretty soon, they’re both gonna be old Johnson’s, huh?

( laughs )

You’re watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois Community Access Channel.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Party!

Welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host-- Wayne Campbell.

Party! Party hardy!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always, is Garth.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Okay, before we bring out our first guest,

Garth, what’d you get for Christmas?

I got a Game Boy. Excellent.

What else?

A Batmanposter of Kim Basinger.

What a babe! Yeah.

No guff. Rrraow, rrraow!

And you bought me the Nintendo Power Glove.

Thanks, Wayne.

Hey, it’s my pleasure. You’re a bud.

Schwing! Schwing!

( both growling )

So, what’d you get, Wayne?

I got 50 bucks and a pair of jeans.

Excellent.

Yeah, except the jeans they got me were flares.

Flares? No way!

Way!

They’re heinous. Indeed!

Okay, let’s move on to our new feature, okay?

It’s called Viewer Mail.

* Viewer Mail, Viewer Mail *

* Party time, excellent *

( whooping )

Okay, we get letters, right?

And, from time to time, we respond.

And this letter is from Kurt J. Austin

from here in Aurora, and he writes...

"Dear Wayne, what does Garth think about when Wayne is talking?"

Gee, I really don’t know.

"I wish I was Wayne.

"I wish I was Wayne.

I wish I wasn’t such a tool."

Oh, very funny, Wayne! You gimp!

Good comeback, sphincter boy.

Extreme close-up!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Okay, all right.

Excellent. Good close-up.

Okay, let’s bring out our first guest.

You all know him. He’s the Driver’s Ed teacher at Aurora High.

Please welcome--

You know him. Please welcome Mr. Hemphill.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to Wayne’s World, Mr. Hemphill.

Thanks, Wayne.

You know Garth, of course.

Hi, Mr. Hemphill.

Hello, Garth.

How’s the parallel parking coming?

Good, good.

Right to go right, left to go left.

Excellent.

You know, Mr. Hemphill...

having you on the show is kind of like, you know,

having a king on the show.

So, welcome... you’re heinous.

Pardon me?

I said, welcome... you’re heinous.

( laughing ) Okay, all right.

Mr. Hemphill, in your opinion,

what’s the most important thing a young guy should know

when he’s just starting out driving? What should he know?

Well...

he should know that driving is a privilege

and not a right.

A car is really just a means of getting from A to B,

not a sort of phallic symbol.

It’s power... under control.

In the wrong hands, a car is a lethal weapon

capable of horrendous damage.

In many ways, a car is a pulverizing death monster

with a glass-and-steel persona...

a vicious, unforgiving beast

whose lust for blood is matched only by its love of carnage.

A killing machine worthy of its nickname--

the Widow Maker.

Bonus.

Anything else?

Just this--

don’t believe in turning signals.

Just assume that all the other drivers on the road are liars.

Okay, thanks.

Cheats! Two-faced bastards!

Caught up in a web of lies so tangled

that they’d rather hand over their mothers to the Gestapo than tell the truth.

A sea of liars so untrustworthy,

they should be slaughtered like so much human cattle.

Bonus. Heh.

Well, it’s nice to know you’re operating the second brake.

Okay, uh--

Get a load!

All right, two days ago, Garth and I got caught

bringing a can of pop into the Driver’s Ed classroom,

even though there’s a big humongoid sign saying you’re not supposed to.

So, to make it up to Mr. Hemphill,

and to ensure that he doesn’t kill us in our sleep,

we’re gonna do a pubic service announcement

about drinking and driving.

Mr. Hemphill, you gotta stay here.

* Public service announcement, public service announcement *

* Party time, excellent *

Okay. "Don’t Drink and Drive"-- by Wayne and Garth.

Okay. Oh, wow! Great party.

I’m gonna go home now.

No. Hey, man, you’re drunk.

I’m calling a cab.

I’m not drunk! I can drive!

I don’t need a cab! Cabs are for sissies!

Shut up! You’re drunk! Shut up! Just shut up!

You shut up!

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ker-chunk!

( imitates engine starting )

( imitates engine revving )

Hic! Hic!

Hey, let’s see what this baby’s made of.

( imitates engine revving )

Oh, no! I’m going out of control!

( imitates engine revving )

I’m gonna hit that railway embankment!

( imitates car horn )

Oh, no!

( imitates tires screeching )

Ka-boom!

( beep )

Oh!

( beep )

Oh! ( beep )

Oh!

( imitating police sirens )

( imitating EKG machine )

Scalpel!

Sponge!

Oh, no, he’s dying! Everybody, clear!

Ka-chunk!

( long beep )

Oh!

( beeping )

All right!

Oh, he’s dead! He’s dead again!

BOTH: Because of drinking and driving.

* Love in an elevator *

( cheering )

So, Mr. Hemphill, what’d you think?

I think it’s a shame. A shame?

Yes, it’s a shame that the drunk driver didn’t suffer a little

before he died.

Thank you, you’re heinous.

Okay. That’s all the time we have for this week.

Until then, party on, Garth. Party on, Wayne.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

The people in the box office here at the show

asked me to tell you that there a couple of tickets

that weren’t picked up for the show tonight.

They’re under the name Mr. and Mrs. Ceausescu.

What about this poor bastard?

How would you like to be put in front of a firing squad with your wife?

Not only are you about to be killed,

but you’re being nagged right up until the very end.

( laughs )

It was also reported this week

that, after Ceausescu was shot by the firing squad,

his body was ground up and fed to the dogs

under the product name Puppy Chow-cescu.

Shuttle astronauts used a huge mechanical arm this week

to snare the six-year-old L.D.E.F.--

Long Duration Exposure Satellite--

and we’re disappointed to find out

that the lens cap had been left on.

According to NASA, a new satellite

will be prepared and launched in 100 years.

As Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega

was taken into custody in Panama

and hustled off to Florida,

Weekend Update, with the aid of a sensitive shotgun mic,

picked up his parting words.

There he is. Hey, Manny, where you goin’?

I’m going to Disneyland!

It was reported this week

that Noriega saved the U.S. Government $1 million

by turning himself in,

thereby eliminating the need

to pay off the $1 million reward that had been offered.

However, this week, a Nevada court

received an application for the reward,

filed by one Melvin Dummar of Las Vegas, Nevada.

New Panamanian leader Guillermo Endara

this week said he’s only serving as an interim president

until a new one is elected.

There’ll be plenty time enough for him to get back to his job

as the lead guitarist for Los Lobos.

Always the joker, Governor Mario Cuomo is shown here

pulling the chair out from under New York Mayor David Dinkins

at a budget meeting in Albany yesterday.

Dinkins retaliated later

by putting a whoopee cushion under Cuomo’s chair,

but the Governor never noticed it.

And now, here to shed some light on American culture,

is our Weekend Update Social Science Editor-- Al Franken.

Hello, Al. Hi, Dennis.

Dennis, language can provide valuable insight

into the psychological workings

of society’s various subcultures.

Every group-- from truck drivers

to lawyers to the military--

each has its own peculiar vernacular

which reveals how the group thinks about itself

and relates to the outside world.

For example, the subculture of comedy.

Now, most people think of comedy

as a lighthearted, happy-go-luck profession.

But actually, if you examine the terminology,

you’ll find that the comedian sees himself

in a desperate life-and-death struggle.

For example, if a comedian does well in front of an audience,

he might say, "I killed,"

or, "I killed out there."

On the other hand, a comedian who does poorly

might say, "I died," or, "I died out there,"

or, "Boy, did I die,"

or, "I’m dying out here,"

or, "Can you believe how bad I’m dying?"

Or, "Am I dying out here or what?"

Or, "This is death."

Or, "This is just death."

Or, "This is really death out here."

OR, "I was dying the whole time out there."

Or even, "I stunk to death."

Or, "Hooey, did I stink up the place."

Or, "From the moment I stepped out there,

"they just didn’t buy it.

"I just died and kept on dying...

and dying and dying--"

Al? Al?

What, Dennis?

Exactly what is your point here, Al?

Well, I’m not done yet.

I think you are, Al.

What are you saying? That I died?

Well, yeah.

You’re right, I--

Boy, did I die.

I mean, I died bad. I really--

I really died. I-- I just died so bad.

Al Franken, ladies and gentlemen. Al Franken.

Boy, did I die.

Exxon--threatened with over 140 lawsuits

from environmental groups and the states of Alaska, California, Texas,

New Jersey and New York--

has decided to get out of the oil business

and will now open a chain of law firms.

And, in an action that stunned heart researchers,

the Food and Drug Administration

this week withdrew its approval of continued experimental use

of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart

because of deficiencies found in its manufacture.

Now, I happen to have a Jarvik-7 right here.

Here are the two main ventricles.

Here are the ingoing-outgoing outlets.

And evidently the reason for the recall

is centered in the mechanism

that controls the heart’s airbag feature.

And, in a related story, there’s a--

I think they’re also recalling all jokes

about the Jarvik-7 heart.

Problems in the premise mechanism.

And, in a related story, there’s a new product for men

coming out on the medical market--

an airbag for the headboard of your bed.

Pope John Paul II met with a group of Italian pilgrims last week

and told them that mankind was living through exceptional times

as the 20th century drew to a close.

He said the current collapse of atheist systems in Eastern Europe

showed the error of trying to exclude God from human life.

He said, "On one hand, we’re seeing the collapse of projects

"constructed by men with the explicit exclusion of all references to God,

while on the other hand we are seeing a new hunger for the word of God."

The Pope also said he’s glad ABC canceled Chicken Soup.

And Grace Jones and her backup singers

opened this week in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Columnist Art Buchwald-- feeling his oats this week--

sued the estate of Christopher Columbus,

saying the idea to come to America was his.

And, in a related story,

Eddie Murphy has offered Art Buchwald $10 million

to take credit for Harlem Nights.

And now, here with a commentary,

is a grumpy old man.

Hello, grumpy old man.

I’m not happy.

I don’t like this chair, and I don’t like this desk,

and I don’t like being here.

I’m a grumpy old man. I don’t like everything the way it is now

compared to the way it used to be.

I don’t like television.

In my day, we had radio,

and you couldn’t see anything,

and it was primitive and lousy, and we liked it!

We liked it fine.

We didn’t have this "technology-y-y".

Look at these itty-bitty microphones.

I hate ’em! So tiny and efficient.

In my day, we had giant microphones

the size of a watermelon,

and they were cumbersome, and they’d block your face,

so no one could see you,

and the only sound that came out

was a staticky gobbly-gloop.

That’s the way it was, and we liked it!

Nowadays, everything’s gotta be better and safer.

In my day, we didn’t have these fancy seat belts

that would restrain you if your car crashed.

In my day, if you stopped suddenly,

you knew exactly where you were going--

straight through the windshield.

That was it, end of story,

pull the curtain, close the shutters, good night.

You were dead, and you liked it!

Nowadays, everything’s gotta be so much better.

In my day, we didn’t have flame-retardant sleepwear.

If you went to bed smoking, you woke up engulfed in flames

and screaming, "Oh, no! Why’d this have to happen to me?"

And your body was crispy and black,

and that’s the way it was, and you liked it!

There was none of this going on

and living and recuperating.

Today, everybody’s spoiled rotten.

When I was a boy, we didn’t have these video games.

We made up our own games,

like Chew the Bark Off the Tree.

You and your friends would find a nice oak tree

and just start chewing the skin off of it.

And there were no winners. Everybody was a loser.

It rotted your teeth and left your intestines scarred and knotted,

and that’s the way it was, and we liked it!

We loved it!

Progress!

Flibiddy-floo!

In my day, we didn’t know what to say when we were mad,

so we just made up things, like "flibiddy-floo"!

Because we were idiots, and that’s how it was.

Just a bunch of people flying out of car windows

in their burning pajamas,

shouting into a melon and chewing on trees!

And that’s the way it was, and we liked it!

Come on, cheer up, old man. Cheer up.

Oh, flibiddy-floo!

Grumpy old man, folks.

Thank you.

( laughs )

Oh, excuse me, sir?

You forgot your prostate.

And friends of the Dalai Lama

say that, since winning the Nobel Peace Prize,

he has become an incredible pain-in-the-ass.

According to USA Today this week,

the active volcanoes in the United States--

including Alaska and Hawaii--

are Gareloi, Cleveland, Okmok, Akutan,

Pavlof, Veniaminof, Redoubt,

Kilauea, Mount St. Helens,

and that thing on Richard Thomas’ face.

Hoping a more recent celebrity gets one of those

so I don’t have to go back that far into the archives.

Putting to rest questions about female G.I.s’ qualifications as combat soldiers,

the U.S. Army released this photo of Staff Sergeant Laura Hill

taking a moment to give birth during a very intense firefight

with Panamanian Defense Forces.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

Hi, sweetheart.

Well, what do I have to say for myself this time?

Honey, you don’t have to say anything.

Is it asking too much to make a phone call?

I don’t think so.

It’s 2:00 in the morning!

Where the hell have I been?!

I just don’t get it, do I?

I just can’t get it through my thick skull.

I don’t know when I’m going to learn.

Okay, out with it! I want to hear it.

I want to hear what I have to say, and it better be good.

I called my boss today,

called him into the office.

Took a good look at my job performance, and I was right.

I wasn’t up to snuff.

Al said to me, "Pete, now, wait a minute.

Your sales for September look pretty good."

Honey, your sales werepretty good.

Prettygood?! Prettygood?!

I’m afraid "pretty good" just doesn’t cut the mustard around here.

I’m afraid I’m not working out.

I’m going to have to let myself go. I’m sorry, I’m fired!

And I can forget about back pay.

So, what am I going to do?

Sit around on my butt for six months

like I did the last time?

Whew! Is that my breath?

I smell like a brewery. I’ve been drinking, haven’t I?

Haven’t I?!

Damn! Well, I can just get out!

I said get out, and I mean it!

Get out!

Get out! Out!

I said get out!

Pete, honey? Is that you?

Yeah.

I came crawling back,

just like I thought I would.

I can just sleep on the couch tonight.

And I can stay there till I figure out what I’ve done wrong.

And I hope I’ve learned a little something about myself!

Have you always dreamed of owning your own home?

Then stay tuned, because the next half hour will change your life.

ANNOUNCER: Dennis Woo came to this country

as a refugee of the Vietnam War,

with nothing but the shirt on his back and a dream.

Within two short years, he was a millionaire,

owning five $2 million homes,

a yacht, and several small businesses.

And now he’d like to share his secrets of success with you

in his new video...

Hi, I’m Dennis Woo!

Would you like to own real estate with no money down?

I can show you how. You know, people say to me,

"Dennis, is this a get-rich-quick scheme?"

Of course it is! Who wants to get rich slow?

Just shut your trap and buy my video.

See these two babes? They love me.

Don’t get me wrong-- I am under no delusion

that they are interested in anything other than my money.

But what do I care? When I was poor,

they would not give me the sweat off their breasts if I was dying of thirst.

But now they hang off me like a dirty shirt.

Okay, sometimes at night, I sit at the end of the bed

and cry because I have never known true love.

But I digress. Let me explain my course.

I have a three-part plan.

Number 1--government loans.

The government has billions of dollars in housing loans.

All you need is a signature and a pulse!

Number 2-- buy distressed property.

Distressed property is any property

where the owners have suffered personal tragedy

forcing them to sell their homes quickly

at prices way below their market value.

This is the basis of my course--

turning other people’s misery

into fun and profit for yourself.

And finally, the stepping stone theory.

Repeat points 1 and 2, buying bigger and better distressed properties.

You know, a lot of people say to me,

"Dennis, how can you so blatantly take advantage

of those who have come across such horrible bad luck?"

And I say to them, "Excuse me...

perhaps you have confused me with someone who gives a damn."

Get in the game! This is America!

If you want to have babes like this, hang with me.

Listen to this.

I had always dreamed of owning my own home.

My best friend owned her own home,

but got very sick and went into debt.

By applying Dennis Woo’s three-point plan,

I was able to buy my best friend’s home

well below market value.

She died, but with the profit I made,

I was able to put in a new swimming pool.

Thanks, Dennis.

You’re welcome!

Too bad about your friend, but now you have equity.

I love America! And think of the babes.

Listen to this.

Using the Woo Technique, I called an elderly widow,

and, using a funny voice,

I tricked her into believing that I was the Devil

and that if she didn’t sell her house well below the market price,

her deceased husband would burn in hell for eternity.

Ha ha! I bought her house and resold it,

making a healthy profit. Thanks, Dennis!

You’re welcome!

The Devil part was my idea. Pretty good, huh?

You know, a wise man once said,

"You spend your youth attaining wealth,

and your wealth attaining youth."

But who has time for that? Get out and cut a rug!

You might think that I’m a bastard,

but have a look at these babes.

Are they stacked or what?

Buy my course! Here’s how to order!

To order...

( organ playing )

Well...he’s dead.

Yes, it’s...sad.

Sad?

Yes, you know-- when people die,

it’s always...sad.

Well...

he had his...

qualities.

He was a very good...

tyrant.

Yes, he--he was naturally despotic.

It came easily to him.

This is true.

Nice hair.

( all agreeing )

Good hair, yes.

He dressed well, too.

( all agreeing )

Yes, he was...

about 5’10".

Yes, yes.

Five feet...

ten inches.

Almost six feet. Yes.

Hmm. Look at how peaceful he is.

It looks like he’s sleeping.

At least the side that wasn’t shot

looks like he’s sleeping.

He led a full life.

Ohh.

You know, you always knew where you stood with him.

There was no wondering whether he held you in contempt or not.

No, he wouldn’t pretend to be your friend.

And what a classic Romanian name--

Ceausescu.

( spits )

ALL: Yes...Ceausescu.

( all spit )

I was one of the people that shot him.

Really? Oh, yes.

And I’ll tell you-- he made our job easy.

We shot him, and he died right away.

That was Ceausescu.

( spits )

So...what else?

Well, he was a good family man.

He took care of his own. Yes.

Yes, he did.

And you have to admit,

we never starved under Ceausescu.

I mean... to death.

It’s true.

I’ll say this for him--

he didn’t directly kill my father.

Maybe he ordered it,

but he wasn’t the man who pulled the trigger.

I know because I was there--

tied to a chair and forced to watch.

Of course, I did hear somebody laughing behind me

who sounded like Ceausescu,

but I couldn’t say for sure.

He always made you feel good about yourself.

You know, when you would do something bad,

you would think about all the bad things he was doing.

On such a grand scale. Right.

And then you wouldn’t feel so bad anymore.

( all agreeing )

Is anyone going to the internment?

I’m going.

You know where it is taking place?

Right outside, in that drainage ditch.

It’s not exactly an internment.

Well, he never did things the conventional way.

Oh, no. Ceausescu had his own style.

Well, I suppose we should get going, then.

Yes. Yes.

Poor Ceausescu.

He isdead, isn’t he?

I think so.

Poor Ceausescu.

I’m Lorne Michaels, and, as you know,

this is our first show of the 1990s.

And all of us here at Saturday Night Live are very excited.

For, you see, unlike other television shows,

we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade

and all the changes it is bringing.

First of all, from now on, all cast members

will be equipped with jetpacks

to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.

Well, isn’t that special?

Yes, Church Lady, it truly is.

Another change is that you’ll no longer be listening

to the Saturday Night Live Band.

Recent advances in audio technology

have enabled us to replace them with this silicone globule.

Similar advances have enabled us

to replace Jon Lovitz with this.

( robotic voice ) Yes. That is the ticket.

We’ll be gradually automating all of our cast members,

with the exception of Phil Hartman,

who, as you know, is an android.

Hello, Lorne. Hello, Phil.

But that’s not all.

The Saturday Night Live of the ’90s

will also make food for you.

Just place your Saturday Night Live frozen dinner

in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing,

and the show will emit ultraviolet rays

that will cook it in three minutes.

It’s a delicious meal, and it’s made by Stouffer’s.

( jet engine buzzing )

Ah, it’s the new Saturday Night Livelogo.

Especially designed to capture the excitement of the ’90s,

the logo was created at Johns Hopkins University

and has the ability to read your mind.

Its colors and shapes reveal how you’re responding to a sketch.

( slide whistle )

I see we’d better wrap things up.

But before I go, just one more feature for the show

that you’ll find at your local drugstore.

From now on, if you miss a show for any reason,

you can grab a Saturday Night Live rerun pill,

pop it in your mouth, and enjoy.

Mmm. Tony Danza.

It still holds up.

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy these changes throughout the decade,

and that you’ll learn to--

DON PARDO: Wait a minute, Lorne!

You forgot me!

Oh, I’m sorry, Don.

I forgot to mention that the voice box

of our announcer Don Pardo

has been surgically implanted in a young tortoise.

This will ensure that Don will be the voice of Saturday Night Live

for the next 150 years. Right, Don?

Right, Lorne.

DON PARDO: The new Saturday Night Live--

retooled, state-of-the-art,

high-tech entertainment

that has the Japanese on the run.

I think we have a lot to offer,

and all of us here at the show

hope we’ll be in your future.

Thank you.

( bleeping )

*

Hey, listen, I want to thank everybody for coming.

It’s been a great night. I want to thank Harry Connick, Jr.

Thank you.

Maury Povich, and , uh...

I want to thank all the great Saturday Night Live cast members,

and the band.

They made me feel good. Thank you all,

and I hope you had a good time. Bye-bye.