All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E10.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

Well, hello, Manuel.

Hello, George.

Can you fellas
give us a couple
of minutes here?

Thank you.

It’s all right.

So, how you doing?
They treating you
well in here?

Better than the Vatican.

So, tell me,
how’s Bar?

She’s good,
doing good.

Jeb?
Just great,
doing great.

Neil?
Oh, he’s fine.

Is business okay?
’Cause I know he had
that rough spot there.

No, he’s fine.
Fired that partner
of his down there.

Oh, yeah--Charles.
Yeah, yeah.

George, Jr.?
He’s fine.

How’s my little
princess?

Doro? Doing good,
doing good.

Finally cut
that hair of hers.

Yeah, I know. I--
Well, she doesn’t care
what I think.

Well, Manuel,
I don’t have
a lot of time.

Let me get right
to the point here.

I know I said a lot
of nasty things
about you,

sending those
troops down there
to overthrow you

in that whole
canal area.

Didn’t want to do it.
But had to do it.

You know, you kind of
forced my hand there,

kind of brought it
on yourself.

I know. I was really
out of control, you know?

I needed to be
reeled in, man.

You did me a favor.

Well, that’s
all in the past.

What we need to be
concerned about
is the future.

With this trial
thing coming up,

I think you’ll agree
there’s no point

in airing a lot of
dirty laundry.

Excuse me.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

That’s history,
it’s over.

It’s gone! It’s gone!

I know, I know.
Ohh...

still, we had
some good times, huh?

Yeah, we sure did.
We did.

Oh, those old days.

Remember that time at
Bill Gates’ birthday party?

Man, you were so faced!

You know, I think
that’s the most
I ever drank

in my life.

Hey, hey!
Remember this?

Oh, boy, not the
scrapbook, Manuel.

Look, look.

There’s you,
there’s me,

there’s Donald Rice.

( chuckling )
That’s good.

You know, we were
some kind of team,
you and me.

Boy, with my ideas,
your prudence--

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I tell you, man,
at our peak,

we could’ve overthrown
any government in
the hemisphere!

Well, anyway, Manny,
gotta go.

Got some things to do.
Glad we had a chance
to talk here.

Good to see
you understand

about the dirty
laundry thing,

and that you
understand that a deal

is completely
out of the question.

I know, I know. Heh!

You know, though,
the one thing
that bothers me

about what happened
is that--

Well, what do you know?

Sitting there in jail
this last week,

I came up with
my best plan yet!

Manny,
I’m not interested.

No, no, of course not.

I’m not even sure
you’d like this plan.

It would involve
eliminating Daniel Ortega.

I know what you’re
trying to do there,
Manuel.

( chuckling )

It’s not gonna work.
Not gonna work.

We’re through.
I’m the President now.

I know, I know.
Besides, for this...

you would need
a miniature submarine.

Not gonna do it,
Manuel.

Read my lips--
na’ ga’ da’!

Well, you’re right.
I’ll just destroy
this plan.

I’d hate to see it fall
into the wrong hands,
you know?

’Cause it’s
a really good plan.

Mini-sub, huh?

Well, I know.
I’ll just eat this plan.
It’s only three pages.

Hold on there,
Manuel.

Tell me more
about this
mini-submarine idea.

*

There he is! Okay!

Now, on my signal...
All right.

This had better work.

On my signal,
you throw it
out the porthole!

And you pedal
like crazy!

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Harry Connick, Jr.

And starring Ed O’Neill.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Ed O’Neill!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Now, before I begin--

for those of you who
don’t get Fox Television
in your city--

I’m not a contest winner.

I’m not a retiring cameraman
being given a fond send-off.

And, uh...
I’m not Robert De Niro

preparing for an upcoming role
as a schlub.

I’m actually
a genuine celebrity.

My name is Ed O’Neill,
and I’m the star

of the television show
Married... With Children.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There’s a special
significance to my hosting
Saturday Night Live,

because over the past year,

both this show and
Married... With Children

have come under attack
from certain groups

for crossing the boundaries
of good taste.

Now, we’ve both
lost some sponsors,

we’ve both had
some bad press.

But it’s one year later,

and Saturday Night Live
is still here,

and Married... With Children
is still here,

and we’re both gonna be here
for a long time to come.

Hi. Excuse me.
Ed.

Hi, Ed.

Hey, guys, what’s up?

We were watching
with the cast
backstage,

and we heard
what you said.

Um...well, look,
we would kind of
appreciate it

if you could please
not, you know,

link our show
with yours.

Yeah, ’cause,
you know, um--

I gotta be honest
with you here--

we find your show, uh,
incredible offensive.

I mean,
it’s just gross.

You know
what I mean?
Yeah.

I saw the last
episode,

and it just really
made my stomach turn.

So, if you’d just
leave us out of it,
that would be good.

Oh, okay.
Okay, great.

Otherwise,
you’re doing great.

Good luck.
See you later.

Okay, take care.

That’s Dana Carvey,
Jan Hooks.

Well, there’s another
special significance

to my hosting
Saturday Night Live,

because, for the first time,
a performer from the Fox
Television Network

has been invited
to host Saturday Night Live.

Fox has taken some flak,

and we’ve been the brunt
of a lot of jokes,

but I think this shows
that Fox has arrived

and is gonna be here
for a long time.

Hey, Maury Povich from
A Current Affair!

How you doing, Maury?

Ed, uh--

How’s Connie?

Connie’s fine, Ed.

But, uh, Ed, look--

if you could possibly
downplay your association
with Fox...

we’d really appreciate it.

Because, frankly,
a lot of us at Fox

find the show
sickening.

It’s sophomoric,
it’s crude.

You know, it’s just
a lot of third-rate
bathroom humor.

And it’s hardly
representative

of the quality
programming at Fox.

Okay. Yeah.

I mean, we’ve got the guys
at The Reporters--

they’re busting
their butts.
Yeah, I know.

The kids at Jump Street,
you know?

Oh, and, of course,
myself

and the great staff
at A Current Affair.

( A Current Affair
sound effect plays )

I’m sorry.

Otherwise, hey,
I think it’s going
great for you.

Thanks.
See you later, Maury.

See you later.

( A Current Affair
sound effect plays )

Okay, well, I guess maybe
there’s no significance
to me being here,

but Harry Connick, Jr.’s here,
and that’s something.

Stick around.
We’ll be right back.

* She’s on the go,
moving fast *

* She’s gonna make
that smooth look last *

* She’s Bizi Lady *

* Bizi Lady *

* She’s moving up,
and men don’t care *

* ’Cause they can’t see
unwanted hair *

* Oh, Bizi Lady, oh *

* Bizi Lady *

* It’s soft to touch *

* Not like a man *

* She’s gonna stay
as smooth as she can *

* With Bizi Lady, yeah *

* Bizi Lady, yeah *

* She’s soft and sleek *

* Smooth and soft *

* Sleek and soft *

* Soft and soft *

* Bizi Lady *

Now there isn’t anywhere
you can’t be smooth.

Bizi Lady--
the anywhere shaver--

from Go Girl Products.

Can I help you, lady?

Yes, you can.
The recipe I’m using

calls for
a foot-long salami.

Do you have
a foot-long salami?

Have I got a salami?

Oh, I got
a salami, lady,

and I do believe
it’s 12 inches long.
Right, Tony?

Maybe bigger.

That’s what
I’m thinkin’.

So, yeah, I got
your salami right here.

Tony, where’s
that salami?

Oh, it’s hanging
right up there
next to the bratwurst.

Oh, yeah. Here.
Here you are, lady.

Here’s a nice salami.
Cost you $5.

Okay.
Thank you.

I hope it’s
the size you need.

Can I help you, sir?

Jeez, my throat
is so scratchy.

I got this tickle.

Do you have a lozenge
or a hard candy?

I need something
to suck on.

Oh, I got something
you can suck on.

You can suck on this
all day.

It’s a 12-hour lozenge.
Brand-new, right off
the market.

Oh, great, thanks.

Now, don’t fall asleep
with it in your mouth.

Okay, I won’t.

Excuse me. I was
looking for a gift
for my grandmother.

I’d kind of
like it to be
sort of a surprise.

Oh, I got a surprise
for Granny.

It’s something that
will make her eyes pop
right out, right, Tony?

You thinkin’
what I’m thinkin’?

Yeah, somethin’ she
hasn’t had in a long time,

but I’ll bet
she wants some again.

A beautiful heart-shaped
box of chocolates.

Oh, that’s perfect.

That’ll be $15.

There you go.
Thanks a lot.

Be careful.
They’re sticky.

Can I help you, lady?

No, I’ll find
what I need.

Well, you know,
if I could help--

What do I look--
stupid?

Listen, lady,
you come in here
every day,

and every day,
you’re mean and crabby.

You know what you need?

No. What?

I’ll tell you
what you need.

What you need is
a good, long, hot...

bubble bath.
That’s what you need.

Well, do you have one
you could recommend?

To be honest, I don’t.
Tony, could you recommend
a bubble bath?

Uh...Bubble King?

Don’t listen to him.
He’s not right.

You’d be better off
trying Walgreens
across the street.

Oh, yeah?
Thanks for nothin’.

No pleasin’
some people, eh?

Ooh, I got something
that please her

right here in my pants.

Yeah?

Yeah, it’s
a bubble sample.

Came in the mail.

( chuckles )

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Do you sell costumes,
fright wigs,

rubber spiders,
something really scary?

Hmm.

Yeah, I got something
really scary.

Scared the hell
out of my wife

first time
I showed it to her.

She said,
"You come near me
with that thing,

I’m divorcing you."

I like to call it
my "one-eyed monster".

Well, can you
show it to me?

You sure you want
to see it?

Well, sure I am.

Okay, come here.

Come on.

Look down here
behind the counter.

Aaah!
Aah!

Huh? That’s
pretty scary, huh?

Yeah, it’s a rubber
Cyclops mask.

See, you got the eye
right there in the middle.

That’s really awful.
I love it.

Yeah, 30 bucks.

You got yourself
a deal.

Keep it dry.
Thanks.

Listen, Tony,
I think I’m gonna
go home for lunch today.

Yeah, home for lunch?
What’s the occasion?

Well, the wife
hasn’t seen
the old Johnson

for quite a while.

Hey, that’s not good.
She’s gotta miss him.

I know, that’s why
I invited him over.
Good idea.

Hey, how old is
the old Johnson now?

He’s 83. The young
Johnson is 65,

so he’s really
not that young.

Pretty soon,
they’re both gonna be
old Johnson’s, huh?

( laughs )

You’re watching Cable 10,

Aurora, Illinois
Community Access Channel.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo!
Party!

Welcome to
Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host--
Wayne Campbell.

Party! Party hardy!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30,
it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me, as always,
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.

Okay, before we bring out
our first guest,

Garth, what’d you get
for Christmas?

I got a Game Boy.
Excellent.

What else?

A Batmanposter
of Kim Basinger.

What a babe!
Yeah.

No guff.
Rrraow, rrraow!

And you bought me
the Nintendo
Power Glove.

Thanks, Wayne.

Hey, it’s my pleasure.
You’re a bud.

Schwing!
Schwing!

( both growling )

So, what’d you get,
Wayne?

I got 50 bucks
and a pair of jeans.

Excellent.

Yeah, except the jeans
they got me were flares.

Flares? No way!

Way!

They’re heinous.
Indeed!

Okay, let’s move on to
our new feature, okay?

It’s called Viewer Mail.

* Viewer Mail,
Viewer Mail *

* Party time,
excellent *

( whooping )

Okay, we get
letters, right?

And, from time to time,
we respond.

And this letter
is from Kurt J. Austin

from here in Aurora,
and he writes...

"Dear Wayne, what does
Garth think about when
Wayne is talking?"

Gee, I really
don’t know.

"I wish I was Wayne.

"I wish I was Wayne.

I wish I wasn’t
such a tool."

Oh, very funny, Wayne!
You gimp!

Good comeback,
sphincter boy.

Extreme close-up!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Okay, all right.

Excellent.
Good close-up.

Okay, let’s bring out
our first guest.

You all know him.
He’s the Driver’s Ed
teacher at Aurora High.

Please welcome--

You know him.
Please welcome
Mr. Hemphill.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to Wayne’s World,
Mr. Hemphill.

Thanks, Wayne.

You know Garth,
of course.

Hi, Mr. Hemphill.

Hello, Garth.

How’s the parallel
parking coming?

Good, good.

Right to go right,
left to go left.

Excellent.

You know,
Mr. Hemphill...

having you on the show
is kind of like, you know,

having a king on the show.

So, welcome...
you’re heinous.

Pardon me?

I said, welcome...
you’re heinous.

( laughing )
Okay, all right.

Mr. Hemphill,
in your opinion,

what’s the most
important thing
a young guy should know

when he’s just
starting out driving?
What should he know?

Well...

he should know that
driving is a privilege

and not a right.

A car is really just a means
of getting from A to B,

not a sort of
phallic symbol.

It’s power...
under control.

In the wrong hands,
a car is a lethal weapon

capable of
horrendous damage.

In many ways, a car is
a pulverizing death monster

with a glass-and-steel
persona...

a vicious,
unforgiving beast

whose lust for blood
is matched only by
its love of carnage.

A killing machine
worthy of its nickname--

the Widow Maker.

Bonus.

Anything else?

Just this--

don’t believe
in turning signals.

Just assume that
all the other drivers
on the road are liars.

Okay, thanks.

Cheats! Two-faced bastards!

Caught up in a web of lies
so tangled

that they’d rather hand over
their mothers to the Gestapo
than tell the truth.

A sea of liars
so untrustworthy,

they should be slaughtered
like so much human cattle.

Bonus. Heh.

Well, it’s nice
to know you’re operating
the second brake.

Okay, uh--

Get a load!

All right, two days ago,
Garth and I got caught

bringing a can of pop
into the Driver’s Ed
classroom,

even though there’s a big
humongoid sign saying
you’re not supposed to.

So, to make it up
to Mr. Hemphill,

and to ensure that
he doesn’t kill us
in our sleep,

we’re gonna do a pubic
service announcement

about drinking
and driving.

Mr. Hemphill,
you gotta stay here.

* Public service announcement,
public service announcement *

* Party time, excellent *

Okay. "Don’t Drink and Drive"--
by Wayne and Garth.

Okay. Oh, wow!
Great party.

I’m gonna
go home now.

No. Hey, man,
you’re drunk.

I’m calling a cab.

I’m not drunk!
I can drive!

I don’t need a cab!
Cabs are for sissies!

Shut up! You’re drunk!
Shut up! Just shut up!

You shut up!

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ker-chunk!

( imitates
engine starting )

( imitates
engine revving )

Hic! Hic!

Hey, let’s see
what this baby’s
made of.

( imitates
engine revving )

Oh, no! I’m going
out of control!

( imitates
engine revving )

I’m gonna hit that
railway embankment!

( imitates car horn )

Oh, no!

( imitates tires
screeching )

Ka-boom!

( beep )

Oh!

( beep )

Oh!
( beep )

Oh!

( imitating
police sirens )

( imitating
EKG machine )

Scalpel!

Sponge!

Oh, no, he’s dying!
Everybody, clear!

Ka-chunk!

( long beep )

Oh!

( beeping )

All right!

Oh, he’s dead!
He’s dead again!

BOTH: Because of
drinking and driving.

* Love in an elevator *

( cheering )

So, Mr. Hemphill,
what’d you think?

I think it’s a shame.
A shame?

Yes, it’s a shame
that the drunk driver
didn’t suffer a little

before he died.

Thank you,
you’re heinous.

Okay. That’s all the time
we have for this week.

Until then,
party on, Garth.
Party on, Wayne.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening,
and what can I tell you?

The people in the box office
here at the show

asked me to tell you
that there a couple of tickets

that weren’t picked up
for the show tonight.

They’re under the name
Mr. and Mrs. Ceausescu.

What about
this poor bastard?

How would you like
to be put in front of
a firing squad with your wife?

Not only are you
about to be killed,

but you’re being nagged
right up until the very end.

( laughs )

It was also reported
this week

that, after Ceausescu
was shot by the firing squad,

his body was ground up
and fed to the dogs

under the product name
Puppy Chow-cescu.

Shuttle astronauts used
a huge mechanical arm this week

to snare the six-year-old
L.D.E.F.--

Long Duration
Exposure Satellite--

and we’re disappointed
to find out

that the lens cap
had been left on.

According to NASA,
a new satellite

will be prepared
and launched in 100 years.

As Panamanian strongman
Manuel Noriega

was taken into custody
in Panama

and hustled off
to Florida,

Weekend Update, with the aid
of a sensitive shotgun mic,

picked up his parting words.

There he is. Hey, Manny,
where you goin’?

I’m going
to Disneyland!

It was reported this week

that Noriega saved
the U.S. Government
$1 million

by turning himself in,

thereby eliminating
the need

to pay off the $1 million
reward that had been offered.

However, this week,
a Nevada court

received an application
for the reward,

filed by one Melvin Dummar
of Las Vegas, Nevada.

New Panamanian leader
Guillermo Endara

this week said he’s only
serving as an interim president

until a new one is elected.

There’ll be plenty time enough
for him to get back to his job

as the lead guitarist
for Los Lobos.

Always the joker,
Governor Mario Cuomo
is shown here

pulling the chair out
from under New York Mayor
David Dinkins

at a budget meeting
in Albany yesterday.

Dinkins retaliated later

by putting a whoopee cushion
under Cuomo’s chair,

but the Governor
never noticed it.

And now, here to shed some
light on American culture,

is our Weekend Update
Social Science Editor--
Al Franken.

Hello, Al.
Hi, Dennis.

Dennis, language can provide
valuable insight

into the psychological
workings

of society’s
various subcultures.

Every group--
from truck drivers

to lawyers
to the military--

each has its own
peculiar vernacular

which reveals how the group
thinks about itself

and relates
to the outside world.

For example,
the subculture of comedy.

Now, most people think
of comedy

as a lighthearted,
happy-go-luck profession.

But actually, if you examine
the terminology,

you’ll find that
the comedian sees himself

in a desperate
life-and-death struggle.

For example,
if a comedian does well
in front of an audience,

he might say, "I killed,"

or, "I killed out there."

On the other hand,
a comedian who does poorly

might say, "I died,"
or, "I died out there,"

or, "Boy, did I die,"

or, "I’m dying out here,"

or, "Can you believe
how bad I’m dying?"

Or, "Am I dying
out here or what?"

Or, "This is death."

Or, "This is just death."

Or, "This is really
death out here."

OR, "I was dying
the whole time out there."

Or even, "I stunk to death."

Or, "Hooey, did I
stink up the place."

Or, "From the moment
I stepped out there,

"they just didn’t buy it.

"I just died
and kept on dying...

and dying
and dying--"

Al? Al?

What, Dennis?

Exactly what is
your point here, Al?

Well,
I’m not done yet.

I think you are, Al.

What are you saying?
That I died?

Well, yeah.

You’re right, I--

Boy, did I die.

I mean, I died bad.
I really--

I really died. I--
I just died so bad.

Al Franken,
ladies and gentlemen.
Al Franken.

Boy, did I die.

Exxon--threatened
with over 140 lawsuits

from environmental groups
and the states of Alaska,
California, Texas,

New Jersey and New York--

has decided to get out
of the oil business

and will now open a chain
of law firms.

And, in an action that
stunned heart researchers,

the Food and Drug
Administration

this week withdrew its approval
of continued experimental use

of the Jarvik-7
artificial heart

because of deficiencies
found in its manufacture.

Now, I happen to have
a Jarvik-7 right here.

Here are the two
main ventricles.

Here are the ingoing-outgoing
outlets.

And evidently the reason
for the recall

is centered in the mechanism

that controls the heart’s
airbag feature.

And, in a related story,
there’s a--

I think they’re also
recalling all jokes

about the Jarvik-7 heart.

Problems in
the premise mechanism.

And, in a related story,
there’s a new product for men

coming out on
the medical market--

an airbag for the headboard
of your bed.

Pope John Paul II
met with a group of
Italian pilgrims last week

and told them that mankind
was living through
exceptional times

as the 20th century drew
to a close.

He said the current collapse
of atheist systems
in Eastern Europe

showed the error of trying
to exclude God from human life.

He said, "On one hand,
we’re seeing the collapse
of projects

"constructed by men
with the explicit exclusion
of all references to God,

while on the other hand
we are seeing a new hunger
for the word of God."

The Pope also said he’s glad
ABC canceled Chicken Soup.

And Grace Jones
and her backup singers

opened this week
in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Columnist Art Buchwald--
feeling his oats this week--

sued the estate
of Christopher Columbus,

saying the idea to come
to America was his.

And, in a related story,

Eddie Murphy has offered
Art Buchwald $10 million

to take credit
for Harlem Nights.

And now, here with
a commentary,

is a grumpy old man.

Hello, grumpy old man.

I’m not happy.

I don’t like this chair,
and I don’t like this desk,

and I don’t like being here.

I’m a grumpy old man.
I don’t like everything
the way it is now

compared to the way
it used to be.

I don’t like television.

In my day, we had radio,

and you couldn’t
see anything,

and it was primitive and lousy,
and we liked it!

We liked it fine.

We didn’t have
this "technology-y-y".

Look at these
itty-bitty microphones.

I hate ’em!
So tiny and efficient.

In my day, we had
giant microphones

the size of a watermelon,

and they were cumbersome,
and they’d block your face,

so no one could see you,

and the only sound
that came out

was a staticky gobbly-gloop.

That’s the way it was,
and we liked it!

Nowadays, everything’s
gotta be better and safer.

In my day, we didn’t have
these fancy seat belts

that would restrain you
if your car crashed.

In my day,
if you stopped suddenly,

you knew exactly
where you were going--

straight through
the windshield.

That was it, end of story,

pull the curtain,
close the shutters, good night.

You were dead,
and you liked it!

Nowadays, everything’s
gotta be so much better.

In my day, we didn’t have
flame-retardant sleepwear.

If you went to bed smoking,
you woke up engulfed in flames

and screaming,
"Oh, no! Why’d this
have to happen to me?"

And your body was crispy
and black,

and that’s the way it was,
and you liked it!

There was none of this
going on

and living
and recuperating.

Today, everybody’s
spoiled rotten.

When I was a boy,
we didn’t have these
video games.

We made up our own games,

like Chew the Bark
Off the Tree.

You and your friends
would find a nice oak tree

and just start chewing
the skin off of it.

And there were no winners.
Everybody was a loser.

It rotted your teeth
and left your intestines
scarred and knotted,

and that’s the way it was,
and we liked it!

We loved it!

Progress!

Flibiddy-floo!

In my day, we didn’t
know what to say
when we were mad,

so we just made up things,
like "flibiddy-floo"!

Because we were idiots,
and that’s how it was.

Just a bunch of people
flying out of car windows

in their burning pajamas,

shouting into a melon
and chewing on trees!

And that’s the way it was,
and we liked it!

Come on, cheer up,
old man. Cheer up.

Oh, flibiddy-floo!

Grumpy old man, folks.

Thank you.

( laughs )

Oh, excuse me, sir?

You forgot your prostate.

And friends
of the Dalai Lama

say that, since winning
the Nobel Peace Prize,

he has become an incredible
pain-in-the-ass.

According to USA Today
this week,

the active volcanoes
in the United States--

including Alaska and Hawaii--

are Gareloi, Cleveland,
Okmok, Akutan,

Pavlof, Veniaminof, Redoubt,

Kilauea, Mount St. Helens,

and that thing
on Richard Thomas’ face.

Hoping a more recent celebrity
gets one of those

so I don’t have
to go back that far
into the archives.

Putting to rest questions about
female G.I.s’ qualifications
as combat soldiers,

the U.S. Army
released this photo of
Staff Sergeant Laura Hill

taking a moment
to give birth during
a very intense firefight

with Panamanian
Defense Forces.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

Hi, sweetheart.

Well, what do I have
to say for myself
this time?

Honey, you don’t
have to say anything.

Is it asking too much
to make a phone call?

I don’t think so.

It’s 2:00 in the morning!

Where the hell
have I been?!

I just don’t
get it, do I?

I just can’t get it
through my thick skull.

I don’t know when
I’m going to learn.

Okay, out with it!
I want to hear it.

I want to hear
what I have to say,
and it better be good.

I called my boss today,

called him
into the office.

Took a good look
at my job performance,
and I was right.

I wasn’t up to snuff.

Al said to me,
"Pete, now, wait a minute.

Your sales for September
look pretty good."

Honey, your sales
werepretty good.

Prettygood?!
Prettygood?!

I’m afraid "pretty good"
just doesn’t cut
the mustard around here.

I’m afraid
I’m not working out.

I’m going to have
to let myself go.
I’m sorry, I’m fired!

And I can forget
about back pay.

So, what am I
going to do?

Sit around on my butt
for six months

like I did
the last time?

Whew! Is that my breath?

I smell like a brewery.
I’ve been drinking,
haven’t I?

Haven’t I?!

Damn! Well,
I can just get out!

I said get out,
and I mean it!

Get out!

Get out! Out!

I said get out!

Pete, honey?
Is that you?

Yeah.

I came crawling back,

just like
I thought I would.

I can just sleep
on the couch tonight.

And I can stay there
till I figure out
what I’ve done wrong.

And I hope I’ve learned
a little something
about myself!

Have you always dreamed
of owning your own home?

Then stay tuned,
because the next half hour
will change your life.

ANNOUNCER: Dennis Woo
came to this country

as a refugee
of the Vietnam War,

with nothing but
the shirt on his back
and a dream.

Within two short years,
he was a millionaire,

owning five
$2 million homes,

a yacht, and several
small businesses.

And now he’d like
to share his secrets
of success with you

in his new video...

Hi, I’m Dennis Woo!

Would you like to own
real estate with no money down?

I can show you how.
You know, people say to me,

"Dennis, is this
a get-rich-quick scheme?"

Of course it is!
Who wants to get rich slow?

Just shut your trap
and buy my video.

See these two babes?
They love me.

Don’t get me wrong--
I am under no delusion

that they are
interested in anything
other than my money.

But what do I care?
When I was poor,

they would not give me
the sweat off their breasts
if I was dying of thirst.

But now they hang off me
like a dirty shirt.

Okay, sometimes at night,
I sit at the end of the bed

and cry because I have
never known true love.

But I digress.
Let me explain my course.

I have a three-part plan.

Number 1--government loans.

The government has billions
of dollars in housing loans.

All you need
is a signature and a pulse!

Number 2--
buy distressed property.

Distressed property
is any property

where the owners have
suffered personal tragedy

forcing them to sell
their homes quickly

at prices way below
their market value.

This is the basis
of my course--

turning other
people’s misery

into fun and profit
for yourself.

And finally,
the stepping stone theory.

Repeat points 1 and 2,
buying bigger and better
distressed properties.

You know,
a lot of people say to me,

"Dennis, how can you
so blatantly take advantage

of those who have come across
such horrible bad luck?"

And I say to them,
"Excuse me...

perhaps you have confused me
with someone who gives a damn."

Get in the game!
This is America!

If you want to have babes
like this, hang with me.

Listen to this.

I had always dreamed
of owning my own home.

My best friend
owned her own home,

but got very sick
and went into debt.

By applying Dennis Woo’s
three-point plan,

I was able to buy
my best friend’s home

well below market value.

She died, but with
the profit I made,

I was able to put in
a new swimming pool.

Thanks, Dennis.

You’re welcome!

Too bad about your friend,
but now you have equity.

I love America!
And think of the babes.

Listen to this.

Using the Woo Technique,
I called an elderly widow,

and, using a funny voice,

I tricked her into believing
that I was the Devil

and that if she didn’t
sell her house well below
the market price,

her deceased husband would
burn in hell for eternity.

Ha ha! I bought her house
and resold it,

making a healthy profit.
Thanks, Dennis!

You’re welcome!

The Devil part was my idea.
Pretty good, huh?

You know,
a wise man once said,

"You spend your youth
attaining wealth,

and your wealth
attaining youth."

But who has time for that?
Get out and cut a rug!

You might think
that I’m a bastard,

but have a look
at these babes.

Are they stacked or what?

Buy my course!
Here’s how to order!

To order...

( organ playing )

Well...he’s dead.

Yes, it’s...sad.

Sad?

Yes, you know--
when people die,

it’s always...sad.

Well...

he had his...

qualities.

He was a very good...

tyrant.

Yes, he--he was
naturally despotic.

It came easily
to him.

This is true.

Nice hair.

( all agreeing )

Good hair, yes.

He dressed
well, too.

( all agreeing )

Yes, he was...

about 5’10".

Yes, yes.

Five feet...

ten inches.

Almost six feet.
Yes.

Hmm. Look at how
peaceful he is.

It looks like
he’s sleeping.

At least the side
that wasn’t shot

looks like
he’s sleeping.

He led a full life.

Ohh.

You know,
you always knew where
you stood with him.

There was no wondering
whether he held you
in contempt or not.

No, he wouldn’t
pretend to be
your friend.

And what a classic
Romanian name--

Ceausescu.

( spits )

ALL: Yes...Ceausescu.

( all spit )

I was one of the people
that shot him.

Really?
Oh, yes.

And I’ll tell you--
he made our job easy.

We shot him, and he
died right away.

That was Ceausescu.

( spits )

So...what else?

Well, he was
a good family man.

He took care
of his own.
Yes.

Yes, he did.

And you have
to admit,

we never starved
under Ceausescu.

I mean...
to death.

It’s true.

I’ll say this
for him--

he didn’t directly
kill my father.

Maybe he ordered it,

but he wasn’t the man
who pulled the trigger.

I know because
I was there--

tied to a chair
and forced to watch.

Of course,
I did hear somebody
laughing behind me

who sounded
like Ceausescu,

but I couldn’t
say for sure.

He always made
you feel good
about yourself.

You know,
when you would
do something bad,

you would think about
all the bad things
he was doing.

On such a grand scale.
Right.

And then you
wouldn’t feel
so bad anymore.

( all agreeing )

Is anyone going
to the internment?

I’m going.

You know where
it is taking place?

Right outside,
in that drainage ditch.

It’s not exactly
an internment.

Well, he never
did things the
conventional way.

Oh, no. Ceausescu
had his own style.

Well, I suppose
we should get
going, then.

Yes.
Yes.

Poor Ceausescu.

He isdead,
isn’t he?

I think so.

Poor Ceausescu.

I’m Lorne Michaels,
and, as you know,

this is our first show
of the 1990s.

And all of us here
at Saturday Night Live
are very excited.

For, you see, unlike
other television shows,

we plan to keep right in step
with this fantastic new decade

and all the changes
it is bringing.

First of all, from now on,
all cast members

will be equipped
with jetpacks

to allow them free
and rapid movement
during a sketch.

Well, isn’t that
special?

Yes, Church Lady,
it truly is.

Another change is that you’ll
no longer be listening

to the Saturday
Night Live Band.

Recent advances
in audio technology

have enabled us to replace them
with this silicone globule.

Similar advances
have enabled us

to replace Jon Lovitz
with this.

( robotic voice )
Yes. That is the ticket.

We’ll be gradually automating
all of our cast members,

with the exception
of Phil Hartman,

who, as you know,
is an android.

Hello, Lorne.
Hello, Phil.

But that’s not all.

The Saturday Night Live
of the ’90s

will also make food
for you.

Just place your
Saturday Night Live
frozen dinner

in front of your TV screen
while the musical guest
is performing,

and the show will emit
ultraviolet rays

that will cook it
in three minutes.

It’s a delicious meal,
and it’s made by Stouffer’s.

( jet engine buzzing )

Ah, it’s the new
Saturday Night Livelogo.

Especially designed to capture
the excitement of the ’90s,

the logo was created
at Johns Hopkins University

and has the ability
to read your mind.

Its colors and shapes reveal
how you’re responding
to a sketch.

( slide whistle )

I see we’d better
wrap things up.

But before I go,
just one more feature
for the show

that you’ll find
at your local drugstore.

From now on, if you miss
a show for any reason,

you can grab
a Saturday Night Live
rerun pill,

pop it in your mouth,
and enjoy.

Mmm. Tony Danza.

It still holds up.

Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy
these changes throughout
the decade,

and that you’ll learn to--

DON PARDO:
Wait a minute, Lorne!

You forgot me!

Oh, I’m sorry, Don.

I forgot to mention
that the voice box

of our announcer
Don Pardo

has been surgically implanted
in a young tortoise.

This will ensure that
Don will be the voice
of Saturday Night Live

for the next 150 years.
Right, Don?

Right, Lorne.

DON PARDO: The new
Saturday Night Live--

retooled,
state-of-the-art,

high-tech entertainment

that has the Japanese
on the run.

I think we have
a lot to offer,

and all of us here
at the show

hope we’ll be
in your future.

Thank you.

( bleeping )

*

Hey, listen, I want
to thank everybody
for coming.

It’s been a great night.
I want to thank
Harry Connick, Jr.

Thank you.

Maury Povich, and , uh...

I want to thank all the great
Saturday Night Live
cast members,

and the band.

They made me feel good.
Thank you all,

and I hope you had
a good time. Bye-bye.