All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E08.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

ANNOUNCER:
The following is a special
Christmas message

from the White House.

Shh. Gotta be quiet.

Gotta quiet down.

The Vice President
just fell asleep.

Yeah. Look at him there.

So peaceful.

He’s had such a big week,

holding his own
press conference out there.

Undermined my authority
just a little bit.

Criticizing Soviet
foreign policy

right after Malta.

Gotta be patient.

He’s still learning.

What, with all the excitement
of Christmas,

he’s just
plum tuckered out.

That’s right,
took him two hours
to get to sleep tonight

because someone told him
there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

Whoever did that is bad!
They’re bad!

That’s right.

I told him,
"Dan, trust me.

"There really is
a Kris Kringle.

"And if you don’t
believe me,

just ask the people
of East Germany."

Or better still--

( moaning )
Shh, shh.

Quiet down there,
little man.

Better still, just ask
the people of Malta.

That little summit
down there.

Took care of
a little item called
"peace for our generation".

And it was good! Good!

Of course, it wasn’t easy
out there on that boat,
as you saw.

Bit of rough weather.

Standing on that launch,
going up and down--

that stomach goin’ round
and round and round.

( chuckling )

You know, it’s funny.
Bar sort of kids me.

She says I’m gettin’
so relaxed,

my speech is getting
less distinct.

You know, I used to say,
"Round and round".

Now I’m just saying,
"Round-roun’."

You notice that?
Now, I could get back
to the speech lessons,

the media consultants,
the hand gesture coach.

Not gonna do it.

Not ga’ do it.

You know, when I look down
there at that peaceful face,

dreaming of sugar plum fairies
and puppy dog tails,

it makes me wonder
what kind of world
we’re gonna leave for Dan.

Makes you appreciate
the importance

of what me
and Mr. Gorbachev did

and what we’ll
continue to do.

When I look at him
down there,

I’m reminded of another boy,
laying asleep in a manger

2,000 years ago.

That’s right--
little Christ child.

Not saying anything.
Just talking here.

But Jesus had to gradually
gain acceptance, too.

So, dream on, little fella.
Christmas will be here soon,

and, with it, peace on earth,
goodwill to man.

That’s right.
Live from New York,
it’s Sat’day Nigh!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest,
Linda Ronstadt
and Aaron Neville.

And starring
Robert Wagner.

NARRATOR:
The barbeque is over.

But what do you do with those
hot leftover briquettes?

You can’t just leave them.

And pouring water on them
would make a big mess.

Isn’t this the perfect time
for Yard-a-pult?

Yard-a-pult--the convenient
backyard appliance

that lets you cast
your troubles to the wind.

With Yard-a-pult,
there’s no fuss, no muss.

You merely cock,
load and launch.

And, with a firing range
of nearly one full block,

with Yard-a-pult,
it stays gone.

Yard-a-pult is ideal
for getting rid of
dog droppings...

cooking grease...

old tires...

disposable diapers...

even car batteries.

In fact,
Yard-a-pult gets rid
of just about anything.

And best of all--

you even have
the launching power

to send old,
worn-out appliances--
like air conditioners--

out of sight
and out of mind.

So, why drag it
to the dump...

when you can
Yard-a-pult it?

Yard-a-pult can even help
with those special problems.

But, Daddy,
if Tippy is dead,

shouldn’t we bury him?

We’re just helping him
get to heaven, honey.

Yard-a-pult...

Nighttime launching
recommended

for septic tank refuse.

( laughs )

Oh, Richard,
this restaurant
is exquisite.

I should’ve known you’d
know just where to go.

Well, I enjoy
the best, darling.

That’s why
I’m here with you.

Oh. Well,
that was sweet.

Don’t confuse honesty
with sweetness.

That’s a mistake most
beautiful women make.

Shall I bring
your wine now?

Yes, the Chateau
Mouton Rothschild ’51.

And, uh, don’t let it
breathe too much.

Certainly, sir.
Thank you, Maurice.

Do you always know
just what you want?

When it’s
important to me.

So, um...

when are you
leaving for Paris?

Monday.
Monday.

It seems one of
my hobbies

is making
a little more money
than planned.

( laughs )

But, with any luck,
we can have champagne
breakfast together

on Thursday.

Sounds nice.

Thank you, Maurice.
Certainly, sir.

Did you let it breathe?

Of course I did.

Enjoy.

A toast.

To Paris.

And to Thursday
morning.

( coughs )

Were you thirsty there?

Pardon me, darling?
Nothing, nothing.

Ah.

Great. Thank you.

They say when
a man gets older,

what were
formerly luxuries
become necessities.

I never understood
that saying, but...

looking at you,
I’m starting to get
the picture.

Hmm.

All gone.

Richard!

Something wrong,
darling?

No, no. No, nothing.
Heh heh.

You look beautiful
in this light.

Thank you.

Your steak, sir.

Ah. Thank you.
Will you take this,
Maurice?

Of course.

The main course.

But don’t worry.
This may seem like
the main course,

but, uh...you’re
the main attraction.

Ohh!

What is it, my dear?

Is something
bothering you?

I’m fine.

Wait a minute.

It’s my eating,
isn’t it?

No. No.

No, let’s face it--
I eat like a pig.

I spent years
learning to dress,

speak and move like
a perfect gentleman,

but eating is
that one I could
never get a handle on.

I suppose that
this means you’ll
be leaving me now?

No. I’m gonna stay
right here with you.

Thank you, my dear.

( piano playing )
Care to dance?

I’d love to. Ha!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.
You’re almost too kind.

You know,
what can I tell you?

The embattled East German
Communist Party is debating
a name change.

They’ve whittled it down
to two choices--

either the Social Democratic
Workers’ Party

or the Wolverines.

In either case, though,
the mascot will be a wolverine.

A convention of dictators
was held this week
in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Shooting broke out
when the scheduled
performer Gallagher

was replaced
by Howie Mandel.

Ed McMahon knocked on
the White House door yesterday

and handed President Bush
a check for $10 million--

proving that the contest
really is on the level.

President Bush said this week
that, while he was limited

in his discussions
with Gorbachev at
the Malta Conference

because of the bizarre
weather conditions,

they did agree to have
a summit sometime next year
in the summer.

Bush said he plans
to hold the summit

30 miles north of Los Angeles
on the San Andreas Fault.

The White House
says that President Bush

plans to attend a drug summit
in Colombia in February.

You know,
that’s a press junket

I thought I might
pass on, huh?

Oh, an exclusive,
riding in the President’s car
through Downtown Bogotá?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gee, sorry. I got a
Back to the Future III thing

at the Waldorf that day.

It was revealed this week
that the latest coup attempt
in the Philippines

was under the leadership
of this man--

Generalissimo Dad.

Mikhail Gorbachev recently
was the first Soviet leader

to have an audience
with the Pope.

He is pictured here
in the Vatican Library

just before the pontiff
pushed the button on
the trap door chair.

Afterwards, no one laughed
harder than the Kremlin chief.

And, according to reports
out of Berlin this week,

since the wall has come down,
millions of elderly
East Germans

have been complaining
about a bit of a draft.

You know, I’m--

You know, I’m trepidatious
about a unified Germany,

in much the same way I am about
Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis
getting back together.

I haven’t really enjoyed
any of their previous
collaborations,

and I’m not sure I need
to see any of their new stuff.

President Reagan’s
official portrait
was unveiled this week

at a White House ceremony.

Appropriately enough,
the portrait depicts

the absent-minded President
inadvertently pressing
the button on his desk

and destroying the planet.

Olympic star Nadia Comaneci
announced

that she plans to live
with her married lover--
Constantin Panait--

the man who helped her
escape from Romania last week.

Nadia--who won
all those gold medals
in the ’76 Olympics--

is still in great shape,
as you can see here.

Her boyfriend Constantin is now
in a South Florida hospital

having all the bones
in his body removed.

Except that one.

But that’s not really
a bone, is it?

Just an amazingly intricate
set of capillaries.

Boy, science blows me away.

You know...

asked if she didn’t think
it was unfair

to ask a married man
to leave his wife
and four children for her,

Comaneci said, "So what?
It doesn’t matter."

Nadia...

In Louisiana, Republican
State Representative
David Duke--

a former Grand Wizard
of the Ku Klux Klan--

announced this week
that he will seek the U.S.
Senate seat in Louisiana.

When Duke was asked
if he didn’t feel his past
as a Ku Klux Klan leader

would haunt him and his
political aspirations forever,

he said, "There’s no way
people will ever forget that.

I guess it’s my cross
to burn forever."

And now it’s time
for Dennis Miller’s
Christmas Craft Corner.

This week,
I’ll be showing you

how to make that special
Christmas wreath project

out of all those old used
Wonder Bread wrappers.

Now, what you do
is take eight or ten
Wonder Bread wrappers,

like I have here.

And you get rid of them.
You get a credit card,

you go to a store,
you buy a wreath,
all right?

And this morning,
George Burns displayed
a hardcover book

that was removed from
his urinary tract Thursday

in a delicate
three-hour operation.

Burns said that he was
curious to read the book

that had been formed
by the slow action

of chemical processes
in his bladder.

A nasal spray
that stops bedwetting

was approved this week
by the Food and Drug
Administration.

The F.D.A. has also approved
plans for a catheter

that will cure allergies.

New York State Lottery
officials today unveiled
a new Lotto card

that has an almost 50% chance
of winning $2 million.

The cards will go
on sale next month
at $1 million a pop.

Domino’s Pizza owner
Tom Monaghan

said yesterday he may sell
the company to his employees.

Talks are already
in progress,

but Monaghan said if the deal
isn’t completed in 30 minutes,

they can have the whole
company for nothing.

A sports note--
Sugar Ray Leonard
defeated Roberto Duran

in a unanimous decision
Thursday night in Las Vegas.

Boy, did you see round 7?
Did you see how mad Duran got

when Sugar Ray
kicked his walker out
from underneath him?

Asked about his future plans,
Duran said he’ll keep his date
to fight next month

against renowned
character actor Hume Cronyn.

In a last-minute
Christmas rush

to cash in on the media hype
surrounding Trump: The Game,

the Gruber Corporation
has now created
Merv: The Game.

The rules are the same,
except that,
when playing Merv,

the person who finishes
a distant second is the winner.

TV Guidecame out
with a special issue this week

on television in the ’80s

and features a section
called "20 Moments
That Shaped--

and Shook--the Decade".

The number 7th-rated moment

was Luke Weds Laura
on General Hospital,

and the number 12th-rated
moment was Diane Leaves Sam
on Cheers.

And the number
20th-rated moment was
the Berlin Wall Opens.

Maybe those East Berliners
should just turn around
and go back, huh?

They don’t know
what it’s like out here.

You know, I can’t even
tell you what makes these
Sumo wrestlers tick,

but I can tell you that
that man in the background

is looking at the worst thing
he’ll ever see in his life.

And--

There are just some events
you don’t want to be
ringside at.

You know,
starting in January,

Gumbel fans will
have their choice of
morning show Gumbels--

Bryant on NBC
or big brother Greg on CBS.

Actually, Bryant
doesn’t have a brother,

but a recent ego overflow
was enough to make
another Gumbel.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news.

*

*

Hello, I’m David Rockefeller.

A few weeks ago, my family
sold the controlling interests
in Rockefeller Center

to the Mitsubishi Corporation
of Japan.

Since then, there’s been
a public outcry

from people who are distraught
that we’re selling off

our architectural treasures
to the Japanese.

It seems there’s a perception
that the Japanese are
some evil empire

to be feared and distrusted.

Well, I just want to reassure
to the American people

that the Rockefeller empire
is every bit as evil--

probably more so.

After all, my grandfather,
John D. the First,

built our family fortune
on corruption, thievery,

blackmail, murder,

and the exploitation
of common working people.

Now, my father may be
of interest

to those of you
in labor unions.

Why, one time,
he sent his men

down to a camp
of striking coal miners,

and they drove through it
in an armored car

and machine-gunned
the whole area,

setting it on fire.

Now, weren’t you
a little quick

to judge those
Mitsubishi people?

Dad hated everyone.

And if he were alive,

he’d hate you.

He would. Ido.

So, the next time the Japanese
buy some institution

that you hold dear,

let’s remember that
you shouldn’t be judged

by the color of your skin,

but rather by the blackness
of your soul.

Good night
and Merry Christmas and...

I’m evil.

Hello, I’m Dan Frankel
on the left.

Well, they’re back
from Malta,

and the conservatives
are already griping.

What did the U.S.
get out of it?

Well, I say
we got plenty.

The prospect of continued,
unhindered reform.

Baloney, Dan.

Gorbachev got
an arms cut,

gave up no troops
in Central Europe.

And we got nada.

I’m Jack Harding
on the right.

We’ll be talking about with
Professor Jerrold Simpson--

Director of
International Affairs
at Tufts University--

our guest tonight
in the middle.

*

Professor, welcome.
Thank you.

Professor,
the U.S. agreed

to a big strategic
arms cut.

Oh, come on, Jack!
It wasn’t that big!

You wait your turn!

So, we agreed
to a big arms cut.

The Soviets are
keeping their 600,000
in Central Europe.

That’s what Dan
and his friends
call a good deal.

But aren’t we
being hoodwinked?

Well, I don’t know, Jack.

I think that what we got
from Mr. Gorbachev

is a pledge that he
won’t interfere with
the political changes

taking place
in Central Europe.

And I think,
in that sense,

it’s a very major
accomplishment.

So, you disagree
with Jack on that
particular point?

Yes, I do.

Hee-hee!

Heh. It’s nothing.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

Tell me this,
Professor.

The Soviets want
certain economic
concessions.

Can’t we at least
ask the Soviets

to cut off their
foreign aid to Cuba?

Oh, come on, Jack!
Those are minor
concessions,

and you know it!

Well, I agree with Jack.

I think we have
every right to insist

that they cut off
Cuba andNicaragua.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

But, on the other hand,
I do agree

that the concessions
we’ve made

won’t endanger is any
serious way.

Doodle-oo, doodle-oo!

What was that?

Mouse.
Mouse.

Really?
Yes.

Professor, what about
this conservative
whining and griping

about the deadline
that both sides
agreed to?

Well, I happen to think
that they’re right.

Doodle-oo-doo!

So, in that case,
you’re saying that Bush
made a mistake.

Absolutely.

Doodle-oo-do-do-
doodle-oo!

Oh! Stretching.
Just stretching.

Ow! Got a cramp.

Isn’t this deadline
a ploy by us

to help Gorbachev?

He needs to show
the Soviet generals

he’s getting
something.

No, I think that’s
reading too much into it.

( continues vocalizing )

I don’t think
it’s a ploy.

For one, I don’t even think
there will be an agreement
by next summer.

Secondly, if there is,
it won’t be all that important.

You’re forgetting that
the political changes
are what matter.

What are you doing?!

Doo-diddly-doo!

All right,
now, both of you--

if you’re gonna
act like idiots,
I’ll just leave.

I understand,
Professor.
So do I.

Well, the liberals
say Gorbachev will
not interfere

with the changes
in Europe.

But what if it came
to reunification?

Wouldn’t he intervene
at that point?

Absolutely. He’d have
to use his forces

to prevent a total
reunification of Germany.

Well, I happen
to agree with
you-ou-ou!

On the other hand,
it illustrates
the liberal argument

to moderate
the pace of changes,

if only for
stability’s sake.

I see, I see.

Excuse me,
I need to sneeze.

Ah-choo-doodle-oodle-oo!

Ah-choo-doodle-oodle-oo!

Do-do-doodle-oo!

Well, that’s all the time
we have in The Middle.

Professor Simpson,
thank you for
joining us.

What will you be
doing next?

After the show, I’ll be
attending a dinner

at the Secretary of State’s
residence.

My book comes out Thursday.

Then I’m flying to Geneva,

where I’m chairing
a U.N. conference

on Third World relations.

Gentlemen,
what are your plans?

Well, we’ll
just be here,
doing the show.

Really?
That’s all you’ll do?

Yes.
Well, yes.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

Doodle-oodle-oodle-oo!

Doodle-oodle-oodle-
oodle-oodle-oodle-oo...

Okay,
we’re out of time.

Until next time,
I’m Dan Franklin
on the left.

I’m Jack Harding
on the right.

Join us tomorrow
in The Middle.

*

Thank you all very much.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Thank you very much, Linda.