Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: The following is a special Christmas message

from the White House.

Shh. Gotta be quiet.

Gotta quiet down.

The Vice President just fell asleep.

Yeah. Look at him there.

So peaceful.

He’s had such a big week,

holding his own press conference out there.

Undermined my authority just a little bit.

Criticizing Soviet foreign policy

right after Malta.

Gotta be patient.

He’s still learning.

What, with all the excitement of Christmas,

he’s just plum tuckered out.

That’s right, took him two hours to get to sleep tonight

because someone told him there wasn’t a Santa Claus.

Whoever did that is bad! They’re bad!

That’s right.

I told him, "Dan, trust me.

"There really is a Kris Kringle.

"And if you don’t believe me,

just ask the people of East Germany."

Or better still--

( moaning ) Shh, shh.

Quiet down there, little man.

Better still, just ask the people of Malta.

That little summit down there.

Took care of a little item called "peace for our generation".

And it was good! Good!

Of course, it wasn’t easy out there on that boat, as you saw.

Bit of rough weather.

Standing on that launch, going up and down--

that stomach goin’ round and round and round.

( chuckling )

You know, it’s funny. Bar sort of kids me.

She says I’m gettin’ so relaxed,

my speech is getting less distinct.

You know, I used to say, "Round and round".

Now I’m just saying, "Round-roun’."

You notice that? Now, I could get back to the speech lessons,

the media consultants, the hand gesture coach.

Not gonna do it.

Not ga’ do it.

You know, when I look down there at that peaceful face,

dreaming of sugar plum fairies and puppy dog tails,

it makes me wonder what kind of world we’re gonna leave for Dan.

Makes you appreciate the importance

of what me and Mr. Gorbachev did

and what we’ll continue to do.

When I look at him down there,

I’m reminded of another boy, laying asleep in a manger

2,000 years ago.

That’s right-- little Christ child.

Not saying anything. Just talking here.

But Jesus had to gradually gain acceptance, too.

So, dream on, little fella. Christmas will be here soon,

and, with it, peace on earth, goodwill to man.

That’s right. Live from New York, it’s Sat’day Nigh!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Al Franken...

Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville.

And starring Robert Wagner.

NARRATOR: The barbeque is over.

But what do you do with those hot leftover briquettes?

You can’t just leave them.

And pouring water on them would make a big mess.

Isn’t this the perfect time for Yard-a-pult?

Yard-a-pult--the convenient backyard appliance

that lets you cast your troubles to the wind.

With Yard-a-pult, there’s no fuss, no muss.

You merely cock, load and launch.

And, with a firing range of nearly one full block,

with Yard-a-pult, it stays gone.

Yard-a-pult is ideal for getting rid of dog droppings...

cooking grease...

old tires...

disposable diapers...

even car batteries.

In fact, Yard-a-pult gets rid of just about anything.

And best of all--

you even have the launching power

to send old, worn-out appliances-- like air conditioners--

out of sight and out of mind.

So, why drag it to the dump...

when you can Yard-a-pult it?

Yard-a-pult can even help with those special problems.

But, Daddy, if Tippy is dead,

shouldn’t we bury him?

We’re just helping him get to heaven, honey.

Yard-a-pult...

Nighttime launching recommended

for septic tank refuse.

( laughs )

Oh, Richard, this restaurant is exquisite.

I should’ve known you’d know just where to go.

Well, I enjoy the best, darling.

That’s why I’m here with you.

Oh. Well, that was sweet.

Don’t confuse honesty with sweetness.

That’s a mistake most beautiful women make.

Shall I bring your wine now?

Yes, the Chateau Mouton Rothschild ’51.

And, uh, don’t let it breathe too much.

Certainly, sir. Thank you, Maurice.

Do you always know just what you want?

When it’s important to me.

So, um...

when are you leaving for Paris?

Monday. Monday.

It seems one of my hobbies

is making a little more money than planned.

( laughs )

But, with any luck, we can have champagne breakfast together

on Thursday.

Sounds nice.

Thank you, Maurice. Certainly, sir.

Did you let it breathe?

Of course I did.

Enjoy.

A toast.

To Paris.

And to Thursday morning.

( coughs )

Were you thirsty there?

Pardon me, darling? Nothing, nothing.

Ah.

Great. Thank you.

They say when a man gets older,

what were formerly luxuries become necessities.

I never understood that saying, but...

looking at you, I’m starting to get the picture.

Hmm.

All gone.

Richard!

Something wrong, darling?

No, no. No, nothing. Heh heh.

You look beautiful in this light.

Thank you.

Your steak, sir.

Ah. Thank you. Will you take this, Maurice?

Of course.

The main course.

But don’t worry. This may seem like the main course,

but, uh...you’re the main attraction.

Ohh!

What is it, my dear?

Is something bothering you?

I’m fine.

Wait a minute.

It’s my eating, isn’t it?

No. No.

No, let’s face it-- I eat like a pig.

I spent years learning to dress,

speak and move like a perfect gentleman,

but eating is that one I could never get a handle on.

I suppose that this means you’ll be leaving me now?

No. I’m gonna stay right here with you.

Thank you, my dear.

( piano playing ) Care to dance?

I’d love to. Ha!

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. You’re almost too kind.

You know, what can I tell you?

The embattled East German Communist Party is debating a name change.

They’ve whittled it down to two choices--

either the Social Democratic Workers’ Party

or the Wolverines.

In either case, though, the mascot will be a wolverine.

A convention of dictators was held this week in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Shooting broke out when the scheduled performer Gallagher

was replaced by Howie Mandel.

Ed McMahon knocked on the White House door yesterday

and handed President Bush a check for $10 million--

proving that the contest really is on the level.

President Bush said this week that, while he was limited

in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Malta Conference

because of the bizarre weather conditions,

they did agree to have a summit sometime next year in the summer.

Bush said he plans to hold the summit

30 miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreas Fault.

The White House says that President Bush

plans to attend a drug summit in Colombia in February.

You know, that’s a press junket

I thought I might pass on, huh?

Oh, an exclusive, riding in the President’s car through Downtown Bogotá?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Gee, sorry. I got a Back to the Future III thing

at the Waldorf that day.

It was revealed this week that the latest coup attempt in the Philippines

was under the leadership of this man--

Generalissimo Dad.

Mikhail Gorbachev recently was the first Soviet leader

to have an audience with the Pope.

He is pictured here in the Vatican Library

just before the pontiff pushed the button on the trap door chair.

Afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlin chief.

And, according to reports out of Berlin this week,

since the wall has come down, millions of elderly East Germans

have been complaining about a bit of a draft.

You know, I’m--

You know, I’m trepidatious about a unified Germany,

in much the same way I am about Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis getting back together.

I haven’t really enjoyed any of their previous collaborations,

and I’m not sure I need to see any of their new stuff.

President Reagan’s official portrait was unveiled this week

at a White House ceremony.

Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts

the absent-minded President inadvertently pressing the button on his desk

and destroying the planet.

Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced

that she plans to live with her married lover-- Constantin Panait--

the man who helped her escape from Romania last week.

Nadia--who won all those gold medals in the ’76 Olympics--

is still in great shape, as you can see here.

Her boyfriend Constantin is now in a South Florida hospital

having all the bones in his body removed.

Except that one.

But that’s not really a bone, is it?

Just an amazingly intricate set of capillaries.

Boy, science blows me away.

You know...

asked if she didn’t think it was unfair

to ask a married man to leave his wife and four children for her,

Comaneci said, "So what? It doesn’t matter."

Nadia...

In Louisiana, Republican State Representative David Duke--

a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan--

announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana.

When Duke was asked if he didn’t feel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader

would haunt him and his political aspirations forever,

he said, "There’s no way people will ever forget that.

I guess it’s my cross to burn forever."

And now it’s time for Dennis Miller’s Christmas Craft Corner.

This week, I’ll be showing you

how to make that special Christmas wreath project

out of all those old used Wonder Bread wrappers.

Now, what you do is take eight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers,

like I have here.

And you get rid of them. You get a credit card,

you go to a store, you buy a wreath, all right?

And this morning, George Burns displayed a hardcover book

that was removed from his urinary tract Thursday

in a delicate three-hour operation.

Burns said that he was curious to read the book

that had been formed by the slow action

of chemical processes in his bladder.

A nasal spray that stops bedwetting

was approved this week by the Food and Drug Administration.

The F.D.A. has also approved plans for a catheter

that will cure allergies.

New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a new Lotto card

that has an almost 50% chance of winning $2 million.

The cards will go on sale next month at $1 million a pop.

Domino’s Pizza owner Tom Monaghan

said yesterday he may sell the company to his employees.

Talks are already in progress,

but Monaghan said if the deal isn’t completed in 30 minutes,

they can have the whole company for nothing.

A sports note-- Sugar Ray Leonard defeated Roberto Duran

in a unanimous decision Thursday night in Las Vegas.

Boy, did you see round 7? Did you see how mad Duran got

when Sugar Ray kicked his walker out from underneath him?

Asked about his future plans, Duran said he’ll keep his date to fight next month

against renowned character actor Hume Cronyn.

In a last-minute Christmas rush

to cash in on the media hype surrounding Trump: The Game,

the Gruber Corporation has now created Merv: The Game.

The rules are the same, except that, when playing Merv,

the person who finishes a distant second is the winner.

TV Guidecame out with a special issue this week

on television in the ’80s

and features a section called "20 Moments That Shaped--

and Shook--the Decade".

The number 7th-rated moment

was Luke Weds Laura on General Hospital,

and the number 12th-rated moment was Diane Leaves Sam on Cheers.

And the number 20th-rated moment was the Berlin Wall Opens.

Maybe those East Berliners should just turn around and go back, huh?

They don’t know what it’s like out here.

You know, I can’t even tell you what makes these Sumo wrestlers tick,

but I can tell you that that man in the background

is looking at the worst thing he’ll ever see in his life.

And--

There are just some events you don’t want to be ringside at.

You know, starting in January,

Gumbel fans will have their choice of morning show Gumbels--

Bryant on NBC or big brother Greg on CBS.

Actually, Bryant doesn’t have a brother,

but a recent ego overflow was enough to make another Gumbel.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news.

*

*

Hello, I’m David Rockefeller.

A few weeks ago, my family sold the controlling interests in Rockefeller Center

to the Mitsubishi Corporation of Japan.

Since then, there’s been a public outcry

from people who are distraught that we’re selling off

our architectural treasures to the Japanese.

It seems there’s a perception that the Japanese are some evil empire

to be feared and distrusted.

Well, I just want to reassure to the American people

that the Rockefeller empire is every bit as evil--

probably more so.

After all, my grandfather, John D. the First,

built our family fortune on corruption, thievery,

blackmail, murder,

and the exploitation of common working people.

Now, my father may be of interest

to those of you in labor unions.

Why, one time, he sent his men

down to a camp of striking coal miners,

and they drove through it in an armored car

and machine-gunned the whole area,

setting it on fire.

Now, weren’t you a little quick

to judge those Mitsubishi people?

Dad hated everyone.

And if he were alive,

he’d hate you.

He would. Ido.

So, the next time the Japanese buy some institution

that you hold dear,

let’s remember that you shouldn’t be judged

by the color of your skin,

but rather by the blackness of your soul.

Good night and Merry Christmas and...

I’m evil.

Hello, I’m Dan Frankel on the left.

Well, they’re back from Malta,

and the conservatives are already griping.

What did the U.S. get out of it?

Well, I say we got plenty.

The prospect of continued, unhindered reform.

Baloney, Dan.

Gorbachev got an arms cut,

gave up no troops in Central Europe.

And we got nada.

I’m Jack Harding on the right.

We’ll be talking about with Professor Jerrold Simpson--

Director of International Affairs at Tufts University--

our guest tonight in the middle.

*

Professor, welcome. Thank you.

Professor, the U.S. agreed

to a big strategic arms cut.

Oh, come on, Jack! It wasn’t that big!

You wait your turn!

So, we agreed to a big arms cut.

The Soviets are keeping their 600,000 in Central Europe.

That’s what Dan and his friends call a good deal.

But aren’t we being hoodwinked?

Well, I don’t know, Jack.

I think that what we got from Mr. Gorbachev

is a pledge that he won’t interfere with the political changes

taking place in Central Europe.

And I think, in that sense,

it’s a very major accomplishment.

So, you disagree with Jack on that particular point?

Yes, I do.

Hee-hee!

Heh. It’s nothing.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

Tell me this, Professor.

The Soviets want certain economic concessions.

Can’t we at least ask the Soviets

to cut off their foreign aid to Cuba?

Oh, come on, Jack! Those are minor concessions,

and you know it!

Well, I agree with Jack.

I think we have every right to insist

that they cut off Cuba andNicaragua.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

But, on the other hand, I do agree

that the concessions we’ve made

won’t endanger is any serious way.

Doodle-oo, doodle-oo!

What was that?

Mouse. Mouse.

Really? Yes.

Professor, what about this conservative whining and griping

about the deadline that both sides agreed to?

Well, I happen to think that they’re right.

Doodle-oo-doo!

So, in that case, you’re saying that Bush made a mistake.

Absolutely.

Doodle-oo-do-do- doodle-oo!

Oh! Stretching. Just stretching.

Ow! Got a cramp.

Isn’t this deadline a ploy by us

to help Gorbachev?

He needs to show the Soviet generals

he’s getting something.

No, I think that’s reading too much into it.

( continues vocalizing )

I don’t think it’s a ploy.

For one, I don’t even think there will be an agreement by next summer.

Secondly, if there is, it won’t be all that important.

You’re forgetting that the political changes are what matter.

What are you doing?!

Doo-diddly-doo!

All right, now, both of you--

if you’re gonna act like idiots, I’ll just leave.

I understand, Professor. So do I.

Well, the liberals say Gorbachev will not interfere

with the changes in Europe.

But what if it came to reunification?

Wouldn’t he intervene at that point?

Absolutely. He’d have to use his forces

to prevent a total reunification of Germany.

Well, I happen to agree with you-ou-ou!

On the other hand, it illustrates the liberal argument

to moderate the pace of changes,

if only for stability’s sake.

I see, I see.

Excuse me, I need to sneeze.

Ah-choo-doodle-oodle-oo!

Ah-choo-doodle-oodle-oo!

Do-do-doodle-oo!

Well, that’s all the time we have in The Middle.

Professor Simpson, thank you for joining us.

What will you be doing next?

After the show, I’ll be attending a dinner

at the Secretary of State’s residence.

My book comes out Thursday.

Then I’m flying to Geneva,

where I’m chairing a U.N. conference

on Third World relations.

Gentlemen, what are your plans?

Well, we’ll just be here, doing the show.

Really? That’s all you’ll do?

Yes. Well, yes.

Doodle-oodle-oo!

Doodle-oodle-oodle-oo!

Doodle-oodle-oodle- oodle-oodle-oodle-oo...

Okay, we’re out of time.

Until next time, I’m Dan Franklin on the left.

I’m Jack Harding on the right.

Join us tomorrow in The Middle.

*

Thank you all very much.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

Thank you very much, Linda.