Original subtitles

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, k.d. lang and the Reclines.

And starring John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen, John Goodman!

Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

Whoa! Saturday Night Live,man.

I have had an incredible year.

I made two movies-- Sea of Love...

plus a new one called Always, with Richard Dreyfuss.

Also, five weeks ago, I got married.

I took the plunge.

My wife is here tonight.

That’s my brother next to her-- his girl Jean.

Hi, honey!

Yeah.

We haven’t even had a honeymoon yet.

I came here right from the wedding.

I’ve been working on the show all week.

Can’t wait till 1:00 tonight.

I’ve heard such great things about sex.

Of course, the high point of the year

has got to be working on Roseanne.

Uh...what can I say about Roseanne Barr?

She’s a hell of lady, she’s funny, she’s generous.

And, as a matter of fact, she came here tonight

to wish me luck.

She’s backstage right now watching the show.

Roseanne, if you can hear me,

I love you, honey.

Roseanne, I can’t tell you what a thrill it is

to have a big star like you this close to our studio.

Thanks. It’s really great to be here

and all that crap and everything. Ha!

Oh, Lorne, aren’t you supposed to, like, be out there

helping John or something?

No, he’ll be fine.

Would you like some more coffee cake or something?

Sure. Over here.

And if Lorne Michaels ever calls and asks you to host this show--

and I’m sure he’ll eventually get to all of you--

say yes, because it’s great!

Everybody’s made me feel special and important.

We’ve been like one big family.

You know, you always hear the host say the show is just like a family,

and it really is.

( indistinct chatter )

Okay, Kevin, take one of me and Jan together.

I think y’all are so great.

I watch the show all the time. It’s really good.

I’d love to get in--

You want to get in, Phil?

I love your Donahue. It’s really great.

Hi. Jon Lovitz. Big fan.

You got any movies coming out?

Oh, I don’t know.

Miss Barr, I was in the audience,

and I heard that you were backstage.

I’d love to get your autograph.

Oh, I’m kind of busy.

Why don’t you just write "Roseanne"

and I’ll put my initials on it?

( laughing )

Comfortable, honey?

Thanks for coming. We’ve got a great show tonight, sweetheart.

k.d. lang and the Reclines are here.

We got her album, remember?

You remember that, don’t you?

Don’t go away, please. We’ll be right back.

( shouting )

( gunfire )

Madam President, the insurgents are moving closer.

I don’t know long we can hold them off.

Mrs. Aquino, rebels have taken over the radio station.

They’re calling for your execution.

Another coup attempt!

This is the fifth time they’ve tried to assassinate me.

Beauty Bath, take me away.

NARRATOR: Come away...

to an island of tranquility,

your own private sanctuary of softness.

Surround yourself with the soothing caress

of Beauty Bath.

Look out!

Oh, gee, that was close.

Madam President, your skin--

it’s so soft.

Why, thanks, Guillermo.

Now let’s go beat those rebels.

You got it.

Take a Beauty Bath and take on the world.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo! Whoo! Ow!

All right, welcome to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host, Wayne Campbell!

Party! Whoo!

Party hardy! Whoo!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30, it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host, Wayne Campbell.

With me as always is Garth.

Party on, Wayne. Party on, Garth.

Okay, before we bring out our first guest,

we’d like to introduce our newest feature.

It’s called Movie World with Wayne and Garth.

* Movie World, Movie World *

* With Wayne and Garth, party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right, let’s take a look at the movies.

The first movie is Back to the Future II,

starring Michael J. Fox.

I liked it. Garth?

Yeah, I liked it, too.

Okay, let’s move on.

Steel Magnolias,

starring Darryl Hannah and Dolly Parton.

I thought it sucked.

It was a chick movie. Garth?

Yeah, it sucked.

Okay. Valmont,

with that excellent babe--

excellent, excellent babe-- Meg Tilly.

Rrrraow!

I didn’t see it. Garth?

Didn’t see it. Okay.

The Bear. The Bearsucked.

Sucked.

Sucked donkeys.

Okay. All Dogs Go to Heaven.

Yeah, right! Garth?

As if!

Okay. Prancer. Garth?

It sucked big-time.

I kind of liked it. Not!

Okay.

Crimes and Misdemeanors.

I thought it wasn’t so much a movie

as it was an essay of man in society.

Although the topic of free will vs. determinism is fascinating,

I would hardly call it entertainment. Garth?

Sucked.

And finally, Batman. Excellent!

He shoots, he scores. Garth?

Mega-excellent. Excellent.

Let’s recap, all right?

Okay, Back to the Future II, we both liked.

Steel Magnolias, we both thought sucked. It was a chick movie.

Valmont, both didn’t see.

The Bear-- while Garth thought it sucked,

I thought it sucked donkeys.

All Dogs Go to Heaven. Yeah, right.

Garth thought "as if".

Prancer, I kind of liked. Not!

Garth thought it sucked big-time.

Crimes and Misdemeanors, I found alienating and pristine.

Garth, on the other hand, thought it sucked.

And finally, Batman-- excellent!

He shoots, he scores.

Garth thought mega-excellent.

Okay, there we have it.

Extreme close-up[!

Waaaah!

Waaaah!

Waaaah!

Okay.

Excellent. Excellent.

Let’s bring out our first guest.

His name is Chief Mark Wilson.

He’s the police chief of Aurora.

Please welcome Chief Wilson.

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to Wayne’s World, Chief Wilson.

Thanks, Campbell.

Uh, of course, you know Garth, right?

Yeah, I know Garth. Excellent.

Um, Police Chief Wilson?

Yes?

A homo says what? What?

A homo says what?

What?

A homo says what?

What?

Exactly!

Let’s get on with this!

Okay, Garth and I got caught by Chief Wilson here

whipping snowballs at cars, right?

So, to make it up to him, we’ve decided to help out the police force

and present, right here on Wayne’s World,

Aurora’s Most Wanted.

( humming theme song )

Aurora’s Most Wanted, with Police Chief Mark Wilson.

Thanks, Campbell.

We have some unsolved crimes in the Aurora area,

and with your help, we can bring these fugitives to justice.

Campbell and Garth here will help with the reenactment.

Okay, Police Chief Wilson, you gotta sit here, all right?

Okay, reenactment. Excellent.

First case involves a Caucasian male

in his twenties with a beard--

wanted in connection with an attempted robbery.

On November 17, a man with a shotgun

entered Jack’s Cycle and Sports.

( imitates gun cocking )

He then asked the owner to empty out the cash register.

Empty out the cash register or I’ll blow your head off!

Okay, okay! Just don’t shoot!

At that point, the suspect saw the security camera,

got scared and left.

Um, Police Chief Wilson, isn’t that kind of boring?

Couldn’t that be more interesting? What do you mean?

Well, with some sort of embellishment.

Embellishment! * Embellishment *

* Party time, excellent *

Okay. Uh...

seeing the security camera,

the guy went mental and pumped two shots into the owner.

Kaboom! Kaboom!

( slowed-down scream )

Okay, then the owner wheeled

and shot the robber in the eye.

Kaboom!

Ohh! My eye! My eye!

Blood! Blood! Blood! Eye guts! Eye guts!

Then the assailant ran down the stairs, okay?

Okay, and then he took the escalator.

Okay?

And then he went in a canoe.

Yeah, and then he took an elevator.

* Love in an elevator *

All right, knock it off, you punks!

Now, let’s get back to the facts.

If you have any information about this case,

contact the Aurora Police Department at 555-2222.

All right, that’s it for Aurora’s Most Wanted.

Police Chief Wilson, I hope I’ve been of some help to you.

I hope that makes us even Steven.

I really hope you had a homo-say-what good time.

What? A homo says what?

What? Exactly.

All right, that’s all the time we have for this week.

Until then, good night and party on!

Good night, party on!

* Wayne’s World, Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

*

The following program is brought to you

by a grant from the Chubb Group.

*

Hello, and welcome to The Anal-Retentive Chef.

I’m Gene. You know, today’s show is very special.

I have a guest. And how do we prepare our kitchen

for an unfamiliar guest?

Well, first we clean and disinfect it.

Then we bake a nine-inch pie

to give the kitchen a homey smell.

And we organize the ingredients for our guest’s recipe.

And here we have our garlic, our peppers,

or onions and our tomatoes.

Hmm. L-M-N-O-P.

So, really, the peppers should go after the onions.

But...then we’ve got our two white vegetables together.

So, let’s just put it back the way it was.

Some things just won’t be organized,

and we have to accept that, now, don’t we?

No, we don’t.

We’ll go with the alphabetical approach.

All right, and we’ve got our spices and our knives,

and we’re all ready to go.

You know, there’s a big thumbprint

on that camera lens

that is just driving me crazy.

So, let me just clean this up a bit.

It’s like watching a television program

through someone’s driver’s license, isn’t it?

That’s much better. All right.

Now we’re looking sharp!

And we’re ready to meet our first guest.

So, welcome, if you will, Cajun chef,

author, raconteur extraordinaire--

Odell Robespierre Lafitte.

Hey! Oh, Lord!

I thought I was never gonna get out here, Chef.

You talk a lot!

Heh heh heh. Well, it’s a gift.

Now, what sort of Cajun delight

are you going to prepare for us today?

I’m gonna be makin’ a crayfish etouffee.

Oh! You’re gonna love it.

I’m told it’s very good.

Oh, I’ll tell you, if I was to take a spoonful

and put it on the top of your head,

your tongue would beat a hole in the roof of your mouth

tryin’ to get to it, I guarantee you!

Well, where did you learn to talk and cook like that?

Did you go to a school?

No, I growed up on the bayou with my TanteMarie.

"Tante"is French for "aunt".

And she cooked for the whole entire family.

Well, she must’ve been a beautiful person.

Ooh! Lord no, she was ugly!

She had a face that would make a train take a dirt road.

But, ooh, could she turn out the food!

And she always told me-- she said, "Odell...

"always spit twice in every dish--

"once when you cook it, and once when you serve it,

"’cause there should always be a little bit of you

in everything you make."

How colorful.

Well, let’s get started, Odell.

I’m going to stand back

and let you take over the show.

Mikitchen es sukitchen.

Okay, then, let’s make some cookin’ room!

Ha ha ha!

Uh--Uh--Uh! Let me be your hands!

Because I know where everything goes.

Oh, lookie here.

We got our onion, our tomato--

And onions and tomatoes are exactly the same size,

but, of course, we know that, don’t we?

Oh, let’s get rid of this fella.

You done? Yes, go on, please.

Okay. First, we make our fish stock.

Now, I got a plane full of bone, tail, fish head--

What’s this?

You don’t put a hat on my fish.

It’s an herbal bouquet.

I don’t want no hat on my fish. Get him off of there.

Very well. You’re in the driver’s seat.

Good. Now, first, we cut up some onion!

( mock crying )

Uh--Uh...Odell?

I’ve already cut up an onion.

Now, let’s compare, shall we?

Look at my onion. Doesn’t it look nice?

It just looks better than your onion.

And, well... let’s use mine.

It don’t matter what it looks like.

You won’t see it in the stock pot.

Yes, but we’ll know it’s in there, won’t we?

So let’s just throw your onion out and we’ll--

You know how we dispose of odiferous waste, don’t you?

We’ve been through this before.

Okay, now, we’re gonna put the fish heads

in the stock pot.

Now--Ooh, don’t want to forget that tail.

We add some Mr. Salt.

And his sister, Miss Pepper.

And now we’re ready for the onion.

Hisonion.

And we fold over the bag neatly

and carefully center the tape on the fold.

There! Ready for the trash.

All right, what’s next?

Now, I’m gonna make a roux.

Oh, that’s "roux" with an "X".

And isn’t that smart? I like that.

You take yourself a hunk of butter--

What’s a hunk?

This is a hunk. And how much is that?

This much. How much?

Two damn inches, okay?!

All right, thank you.

I throw him in the pot.

Two inches is about 5 3/4 tablespoons.

Keep the heat low, let it brown.

It’s closer to 5 7/8.

If it smokes any, it’s too hot.

Let’s just say three.

You know, you left some over on the side here--

Ouch.

Now...while the butter melts,

let’s check the fish stock.

What the hell?

You put your damn hat back in with my fish heads.

Well, I confess, my herbal bouquet

was hidden in with the onion.

That’s it. You’ve ruined the etouffee in the pot.

My tantewould not even spit once in this pot!

You might as well throw it in the garbage!

Well, I couldn’t agree with you more!

And how do we throw out large amounts of food?

Well, we work from the right to the left.

Now, I’ll wrap, and, Odell, would you like to help?

Okay, from right...

to left!

Well, that’s not the way I would’ve done it.

But mine is not the only way.

Now, I’m goin’ back to the market

to buy me some more fish heads,

and I’m comin’ back here.

You might want to pick up a few tomatoes while you’re there,

an onion or two.

All right.

Same paper towels, some Windex, and steel wool pads.

I’d be happy to give you a list.

Some abrasive cleanser with bleach in it!

If they don’t have bleach, get the regular kind...

This has been...

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Well, good evening, and what can I tell you?

The Malta Summit began today.

The plan was to hold the talks on shipboard.

Here are the two battleships anchored in Marsaxlokk Bay in Malta.

Hey, ours is bigger. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

This is one of the meeting rooms aboard the U.S.S. Belknap

being used today for the Bush-Gorbachev bilateral summit at sea.

And this is the sleeping quarters

being used by President Bush aboard the same ship.

Hmm. We thought this shipboard bed

looked a little small for the President,

but we asked an expert on the subject,

and Gary Hart assured us that these things fit two comfortably.

President Bush’s personally-invited entourage at Malta

was revealed today,

and it’s an interesting collection of characters.

Along with Gorbachev and Bush,

it includes Secretary of Commerce Robert Mosbacher,

his wife Georgette,

former President Reagan,

nuclear physicist Professor Edward Teller,

and a good-looking brunette stenographer.

Hmm, so, let’s see. Let me get this straight.

It’ll be Gorbachev, the Skipper, too,

the millionaire and his wife,

the movie star, the Professor and Mary Ann.

And remember-- it’ll be a three-hour summit.

A three-hour summit.

Saturday morning, severe hurricane weather hit the harbor at Malta,

disrupting the carefully-planned summit schedule.

Let’s take a quick look at how things are going over there

as we go live to Malta.

Oh, no-o-o-o!

( screaming )

BUSH: Hang on there, Mikhail.

Coming to get you. Coming on down.

Gonna be right there. Just hang on.

Help me, Mr. President!

Almost there.

Oh, my gosh. Comin’ at ya.

Alley-oop! Whoa!

( coughing )

Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, hang on. Oh! ( coughing )

Oh, boy. Oh, mercy. This is bad! It’s bad!

Well, they seem to be making progress, huh?

Last week, President Bush cupped his hand

with a Soviet Red Army chorus member

on the South Lawn of the White House

and started making really gross noises

to crack the guy next to him up.

This week, Pope John Paul II

shook hands with Mikhail Gorbachev

in the first meeting ever between a Kremlin chief and a pontiff.

Oddly enough, the meeting was not prearranged.

They just bumped into each other

at a Thank God It’s Yogurt near the Vatican.

In the Middle East, Lebanon--

In the Middle East--

In the Middle East, Lebanon--

In the Middle East! In the Middle East!

Oh, God! It’s Annoying Man!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

You licked me, you freak! Aaah!

Get out of here!

( British accent ) You don’t have to scream.

In the Middle East, Lebanon this week

celebrated the 46th anniversary of its independence

by assassinating its new President,

and Beirut once again became terrorism’s favorite city.

For those who might not understand how Beirut is laid out,

it has a population of 1.5 million,

and it’s found in many key areas of the city--

a Christian East Beirut,

and a Muslin West Beirut,

and in the north, we have the Harbor District,

where much of the shelling is concentrated.

And right here, in the center of it all...

* Is the Milford Plaza *

( laughs )

Yeah, 59 bucks for a room in Manhattan.

And you get theater tickets thrown in.

What, did I just get hit in the head with a wrecking ball?

( laughs )

Subscribers to TimeMagazine

might have noticed that this week’s issue,

with its cover story on women in the ’90s, was three days late.

And, boy, all of us guys were sweating, huh?

A Japanese businessman this week purchased communism.

A spokesman for the buyer said, "We got a great deal on it.

"A month ago, it was going for 48 trillion.

"We got it for 19.95, and they threw in Lenin’s Tomb,

which we plan to convert into a small bed and breakfast."

Immediately after this photo was taken last month in Philadelphia,

Polish labor leader Lech Walesa said,

"I have heard so much about your crack problem.

It is truly a horrible thing to see."

And I have a correction to make.

"Correction" is spelled with two Rs.

The 700-store Carvel ice cream chain--

famous for its favorites, such as Fudgie the Whale,

Flying Walruses and Cookie Puss--

was sold this week by Tom Carvel

to an international company, Investcorp,

for $80 million.

Here we see owner Tom Carvel himself.

Tom’s nickname is "Oh-my-God-Puss".

In last Sunday’s New York Times Book Review,

two biographies of famous pilot Amelia Earhart were previewed.

According to publishers, 10,000 copies of each

were shipped out weeks ago,

but so far, none have arrived at their destinations.

At the request of the U.S. Information Agency,

The Wizard of Oz-- celebrating its 50th anniversary--

will be shown in East Germany next month for the first time.

The Wizard of Oz, of course, is the wonderful story

of a young girl who falls into a deep sleep

and dreams that she leaves a terrible, dark, brooding, nasty place,

and wakes up one day in a wonderful fairy land.

Wow, the East Germans are gonna think it’s a documentary, huh?

Last week, a dying Palestinian Arab’s life was saved

when he received a heart transplant from an Israeli soldier.

Immediately following the successful four-hour operation,

the patient awoke, thanked his doctors,

and beat himself about the face and neck with his own fists.

The newest addition to Michael Jackson’s

2,700-acre spread near Santa Barbara

is an 18-month-old female giraffe.

Jackson said he will raise the animal as one of his own,

and, in keeping with that, he announced plans this week

to surgically shorten the giraffe’s neck.

You know, I just wanted to take a moment on a personal note

to say I sense a dangerous precedent being set in this country,

and that many people are now referring to the game show Wheel of Fortune

simply as Wheel.

Come on, it’s a game show.

Let’s not try to hip it up too much, okay?

The Navy, under pressure from state officials,

has stepped up plans to retrieve live and deactivated explosives

accidentally dropped outside Nevada bombing ranges.

The search is a continuation of an exercise

nicknamed "Operation Ugly Baby"

and will be under the leadership of Tom Carvel.

And Nadia Comaneci arrived in New York yesterday

after fleeing her homeland of Romania.

The gymnast, who was the darling of the ’76 Olympics,

has swiftly become America’s new sweetheart.

In exchange, the State Department has arranged

to send Mary Lou Retton to Romania, Albania,

or any country that will have her.

Guess what, folks, that’s the news.

*

*

Brought to you by...

Now there’s really something about an Aqua Velva man.

Hello. Welcome to the Ditka home...

to The Mike Ditka Type-A Christmas Special.

Last year, we set a goal for ourselves for Christmas, ’89.

Make this Christmas special the best ever,

and I’ll be honest with you--

I thought last year’s special was terrible.

We let a lot of people down.

It was a sickening, horrible experience.

We made mental errors.

We were out there singing Christmas carols

we didn’t even know the words to.

We can’t do that on a Christmas special.

But hey... why go over it again?

Let’s bring out the Ditka family.

First of all, my daughter Alisa.

Dad, I know that I don’t say this often enough,

but I just wanted you to know that, whatever happens,

I’ll always have an enormous combination

of fear and respect for you.

Thank you, baby. Merry Christmas.

All right, this is my younger son, Mike, Jr.

His friend Pete Gorchenko,

who plays on the same high school team,

and who is... quite, frankly,

a better football player.

It’s pretty clear who’s got his priorities straight.

Is--Is this for me?

What do you think? You think you earned a present this year?

I don’t know, sir.

You come back when you doknow.

Here, Pete. This is for you. Good job.

Thanks, Mr. Ditka.

Once again this year, our special guest.

Hi, Mike, Merry Christmas.

Thanks, Betty. You’re a gutsy gal.

( choking up ) Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Brian Piccolo.

Mike, you know, I’m all right, okay?

Let’s just have fun tonight, okay?

Okay, yeah.

Now I’d like to introduce my wife-- Cookie Ditka.

Now, throughout 25 years of marriage,

Cookie has displayed something very rare--

what I like to call "quite excellence".

Let me tell you something about how tough this lady is.

She has given birth to three children.

And believe me, childbirth is not fun.

It hurts like a bastard.

It’s sweaty, it’s dirty, it’s smelly.

When the doctor says, "Push," you gotta push.

Honey, I don’t think the audience is interested

in hearing how difficult my labor was.

Let’s just sing a carol, why don’t we?

Oh, it’s your Christmas special now?

No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I--I--

I just wanted to sing, that’s all.

Hey, Mom and Dad, how about if we sing Deck the Halls?

Yeah.

* Deck the halls with boughs of holly *

* Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la *

* ’Tis the season to be jolly *

( bells ringing ) What’s that noise? What’s that noise?

Oh, that sounds like reindeer!

What are you doing? Keep singing.

* Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la *

( rumbling )

* Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la *

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas! ( laughing )

Look, Dad! It’s Santa Claus!

Ignore him. Let’s start another carol.

* Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way *

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I’d drop by.

Hope you don’t mind. ( laughs )

You’re about the only guy I know

that can drop in on my Christmas special unexpectedly,

bring it to a screeching halt,

and still be welcome.

Well, look...

I’m sorry if it’s not a good time.

All right, no, no, forget it.

You’re here. I’m not gonna be a crybaby about it.

These things happen on Christmas specials.

We didn’t respond to it well.

We lost our concentration.

Say, Mike, take a tip from old Santa.

Try to mellow out, would you?

Santa thinks you’re a little out of control.

All right, Santa, let me tell you something.

Every year, you fly around,

with the red suit and the reindeer,

giving everybody presents. Hey, it’s great.

You’re certainly popular.

You know, there are some major problems in the world.

Somebody with your popularity and talent

could really make a difference-- if they had the guts.

But, you know, I just don’t see this happening, frankly.

Santa knows what Mike needs for Christmas.

A big pair of pliers

to pull that bug out of your behind.

All right, let’s go, fat boy.

Don’t ever touch Santa! I’ll kill you! I’ll brain you!

Dad! Stop! No!

( grunts )

It’s all right. Santa will leave now.

You know, Mike, Santa was gonna give you

a nice new sweater for Christmas

because, you know... you really need one.

But instead, I think I’ll just I’ll just give you

this turd-sized lump of coal.

Wussy!

Oh, Mike, how could you? That’s Santa Claus!

I hate you, Daddy! I hate you!

Well...

I guess that’s it for the 1989 Mike Ditka Christmas Special.

Obviously, it was a disaster.

You can blame it on Santa barging in and throwing us off,

but the truth is, we were in trouble before that.

I thought our singing was bad.

Kids looked like they didn’t care if they were here or not.

You know, you saw it. I’ll be honest with you--

I fooled myself. I thought, after last year’s special,

we would finally turn things around.

But right now, the truth is,

I don’t know if this family’s capable

of doing a good Christmas special.

I certainly doubt we’ll be given another chance.

Well, you know, we probably don’t deserve another chance.

So, thank you.

And Merry Christmas.

*

*

Hello, and welcome, everybody,

to another edition of The Referee Pitman Show.

As always, we’ll be taking questions and talking football

with NFL referee Bill Pitman.

Ref, welcome. Thanks, Rock.

Okay, last week you called

the Bills-Oilers game in Houston.

Let’s look at some highlights.

Okay, there you are making the calls.

There’s an offside.

There’s a defensive holding.

And there’s a too many men on the field.

Okay, as you can see, it was an exciting game,

and there were some controversial calls.

I understand, Ref, that you were hit by a bottle after the game.

Well, yes, I was hit, Rock.

It was actually a jar.

I believe it was sort of a pickle jar.

Well, inside the jar was a fetus.

It was a pig fetus, not a human fetus

like the one in Philadelphia.

Fortunately, it didn’t shatter...

like in Philadelphia.

Well, you’re a lucky man, Ref.

Well, I know our fans and callers

have plenty of questions for you. Let’s get started.

Yes, sir, you have a question for the ref?

Yes. It’s great to be here, Ref.

Um, listen, I just wanted to know--

are you totally blind or just legally blind?

Um, so that, you know, you can make out shapes and degrees of light--

that kind of thing?

Well, actually, I have 20/20 vision.

I’ve mentioned this on the show before.

I’m not blind, never have been. Thanks for your question.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, next.

Hi. I wanted to ask you about last Sunday’s game.

Yes, go ahead. I was just wondering--

were you watching a different game while you were officiating?

Like on a little mini-TV or something?

No, I wasn’t. I was concentrating on the game I was officiating.

Oh, wow. ’Cause it seemed like your calls

were related to a game being played somewhere far away.

That isinteresting.

Okay, who’s next? Yeah.

Hi, great show.

I saw the last game, and I just wanted to know--

do you find it helpful to keep your head up your rear end?

I mean, why during the game?

It seems that during the game, you’d want to have your head,

you know, out and in the open air so you can see the plays.

I mean, is it comfortable, or is it for the warmth, or what?

How about it, Ref-- your head inside your rear end?

No. No, nope. Never done that.

Wouldn’t even know how to go about it.

It’s an interesting position, but...nope.

Okay, apparently not. But good question.

Okay, Ref, let’s take a look

at one of the more controversial plays from Sunday.

Here’s the pass to Jeffries.

He clearly fumbles to the other team,

but the ball is ruled dead

and the Oilers keep it.

It seems as though you were retarded on that play, Ref.

Hmm, no, I’m not retarded, Rock.

Is there any history in your family

of blackouts or hallucinations

or fits of dementia?

No. I’m fairly certain there isn’t,

but I could research for you and get back to you.

Good. Okay. Let’s go back to our audience.

I’ve got a question about the ref’s brain.

I was just curious-- what’s in your head,

since there’s no brain?

Is it empty, or is it filled with, say, human excrement?

I think I can handle that one, Ref.

The Ref does have a brain.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to conduct this interview here.

That’s how I know. I mean, it’s basic high school biology.

So, the excrement question is irrelevant.

Thank you.

Okay, let’s take some calls.

Hello?

WOMAN: Hi, Ref?

When you’re caught and banned from Pro Football,

what do you plan to do for a living?

Well, I don’t know what I’d be caught for,

but when I retire, I plan to spend more time with my children.

Oh. And, um, will you teach them deception and chicanery?

Hmm, nope. Nope, I won’t.

Okay, another caller. Next question for the Ref. Hello?

MAN: Hello. I’m an optometrist.

Sorry, we covered that topic earlier.

Okay, let’s go back to our audience.

Hi. Great show, Ref. Thanks.

My boy and I were wondering

what it’s like for you to have no soul.

And also, what do you use to fill up your body

where the soul would be?

Now, is that human excrement

or dog excrement?

( laughs ) I wish I had a dime

for every time I was asked that one.

Okay, do we have time for one more question?

One more question. You have something else, sir?

Yeah, I just wanted to invite Referee Pitman

to have sex with himself.

Because that’s something that, as far as I’m concerned,

he can go and do.

Good to know. We’re out of time.

Ref, this Sunday you’re doing the Giants-Eagles game.

That’s right, Rock. Good, good.

And will there be any real refs

at this game in attendance?

Yes, myself and two others.

Hard to believe. Okay, till next week,

this is Rock Clark saying Referee Pitman sucks.

Good night.

*

Great pot roast, Mom.

Nobody makes pot roast like my mom.

Well, thank you. It’s nice to hear you so chipper.

Yeah, that’s more like the old Scott-a-rino.

What’s her name, son?

( laughter )

It’s not a girl, Dad. I joined a club.

Oh, great--a club.

So, tell us about it.

Well, we’re called the Crips.

Oh? The Crips.

Yeah, and we hate the Bloods.

You hate the Bloods. Oh.

Yeah. See, we wear blue, and they wear red.

And when we see someone wearing red, we kill them.

Pass the milk.

Please. Please.

You know, I’ve got to admit--

when we first moved here,

your father and I were a little worried.

You didn’t seem to fit in.

Well, your mom was concerned.

Your peas are getting cold, son.

So, um, how many lads are in this...Crips?

Well, so far, here in Elmhurst,

it’s just me and Dale Butterworth.

Most of the other guys are in L.A.

See, we hate the Reds. That’s what we call the Bloods.

And what else do you do besides hate the Reds?

Well, that’s the main thing.

Plus, we sell crack.

Oh, crack! You know, honey,

Tom Brokow did something about that last week.

Brokaw, honey. Tom Brokaw.

No, it’s spelled "kow".

No, it’s spelled "kaw".

It’s cocaine, right? Only you smoke it.

And so far I’ve sold 50 vials.

Cool T says that if I sell 20 more,

I can get a pup tent.

Cool T. Cool T. I haven’t--

I don’t believe I’ve ever met him.

Yeah, he’s our adviser from Los Angeles.

See, he’s a homeboy.

Homeboy. Yeah.

Now, I like the sound of that-- homeboy.

Here, have some creamed corn.

Now, what exactly does this Cool T do?

Well, mainly he drives us around

when we do a drive-by shooting.

See, Dale has only got his learner’s, right?

Drive-by shooting?

To kill the Reds. God, Mom, haven’t you been listening?

The Crips hate the Reds.

Oh. Oh!

( laughs )

What, honey? What?

Oh, I was wondering

why you spray painted "Crips rule" on the garage.

( laughter )

Ohh.

( gunfire )

I’ll bet those were the Reds. Right.

Remember I was telling you about them?

Right. You hate them.

That’s right. So, I gotta go get my revenge, okay?

Wait one minute, mister.

You know the rules. Homework first.

Oh, come on, Mom, it’s an honor thing.

Well, okay, just this once.

Okay. Don’t wait up.

Go, Blues, go!

Get those Reds! Ha ha ha ha!

And you were worried.

Go on, admit it. You were worried.

I admit--a little bit.

That’s right. But I’m right. Right.

That’s right. But I’m right. Right.

( baby crying )

I didn’t expect to see you up.

I didn’t expect to beup.

*

You gotta let this thing go.

The doctor said it wasn’t your fault.

( sighs )

I could’ve taken better care of myself.

I could’ve eaten better.

You can’t eat better than this.

I wasn’t eating this when it happened.

Would you stop beating yourself up?

It’s not your fault that it’s brand-new.

I, uh...came over to apologize.

I am so sorry

about what I said last night.

I just-- You’re not perfect.

I just needed someone to be perfect in my life right now.

Have you had breakfast?

No. No, I never have time for breakfast.

I just don’t have time. I don’t--

I just...don’t.

That’s no way to start your day.

I know.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

This is good.

And good for you. No fat, no sugar.

No salt.

And in all the shapes

of your favorite thirtysomething characters.

Oh, guys.

I got an oat bran Elliot.

I like the way the vitamin-fortified Hope flakes

stay crisp in skim milk.

Well, Ned, let’s go!

I got the court in ten minutes.

Come on--basketball! Remember?

Haven’t had my thirtysomethingcereal yet.

Oh, come on, you don’t eat cereal.

I got another oat bran muffin in the car.

Another muffin? Yeah.

( baby crying )

Hey, what’d I do?

Do you know how many grams of partially-hydrogenated fats

there are in one oat bran muffin?

No.

That’s just it. You never know... do you?

Newthirtysomething--

from the makers of Teenage Ninja Mutant Tertlescereal.

*

Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you

who might’ve been a little confused by tonight’s monologue,

watch very carefully.

There was no technical screw-up.

It made perfect sense.

We don’t make those kinds of mistakes here.

We’re highly-paid professionals.

It never happened. Now, when I snap my fingers,

you will remember the monologue only as a very pleasant experience.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a hell of a week,

and I would like to thank the cast, the crew,

my brother for coming, my wife for being here.

Thank everybody.

Good night, everybody!