All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E07.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, k.d. lang
and the Reclines.

And starring John Goodman.

Ladies and gentlemen,
John Goodman!

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Whoa!
Saturday Night Live,man.

I have had
an incredible year.

I made two movies--
Sea of Love...

plus a new one called Always,
with Richard Dreyfuss.

Also, five weeks ago,
I got married.

I took the plunge.

My wife is here tonight.

That’s my brother
next to her--
his girl Jean.

Hi, honey!

Yeah.

We haven’t even
had a honeymoon yet.

I came here
right from the wedding.

I’ve been working
on the show all week.

Can’t wait till
1:00 tonight.

I’ve heard such
great things about sex.

Of course,
the high point of the year

has got to be
working on Roseanne.

Uh...what can I say
about Roseanne Barr?

She’s a hell of lady,
she’s funny, she’s generous.

And, as a matter of fact,
she came here tonight

to wish me luck.

She’s backstage right now
watching the show.

Roseanne,
if you can hear me,

I love you, honey.

Roseanne, I can’t
tell you what
a thrill it is

to have a big star
like you this close
to our studio.

Thanks. It’s really
great to be here

and all that crap
and everything. Ha!

Oh, Lorne, aren’t you
supposed to, like,
be out there

helping John
or something?

No, he’ll be fine.

Would you like some
more coffee cake
or something?

Sure.
Over here.

And if Lorne Michaels
ever calls and asks you
to host this show--

and I’m sure he’ll eventually
get to all of you--

say yes,
because it’s great!

Everybody’s made me
feel special and important.

We’ve been like
one big family.

You know, you always hear
the host say the show is
just like a family,

and it really is.

( indistinct chatter )

Okay, Kevin, take one
of me and Jan together.

I think y’all
are so great.

I watch the show
all the time.
It’s really good.

I’d love to get in--

You want
to get in, Phil?

I love your Donahue.
It’s really great.

Hi. Jon Lovitz.
Big fan.

You got any movies
coming out?

Oh, I don’t know.

Miss Barr,
I was in the audience,

and I heard that
you were backstage.

I’d love to get
your autograph.

Oh, I’m kind of busy.

Why don’t you just
write "Roseanne"

and I’ll put
my initials on it?

( laughing )

Comfortable, honey?

Thanks for coming.
We’ve got a great show
tonight, sweetheart.

k.d. lang and the Reclines
are here.

We got her album, remember?

You remember that,
don’t you?

Don’t go away, please.
We’ll be right back.

( shouting )

( gunfire )

Madam President,
the insurgents
are moving closer.

I don’t know long
we can hold them off.

Mrs. Aquino, rebels
have taken over
the radio station.

They’re calling
for your execution.

Another coup attempt!

This is the fifth time
they’ve tried to
assassinate me.

Beauty Bath, take me away.

NARRATOR: Come away...

to an island
of tranquility,

your own private
sanctuary of softness.

Surround yourself
with the soothing caress

of Beauty Bath.

Look out!

Oh, gee,
that was close.

Madam President,
your skin--

it’s so soft.

Why, thanks,
Guillermo.

Now let’s go beat
those rebels.

You got it.

Take a Beauty Bath
and take on the world.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Whoo!
Whoo! Ow!

All right, welcome
to Wayne’s World.

Here’s your host,
Wayne Campbell!

Party!
Whoo!

Party hardy! Whoo!

It’s Friday, it’s 10:30,
it’s time to party.

I’m your excellent host,
Wayne Campbell.

With me as always
is Garth.

Party on, Wayne.
Party on, Garth.

Okay, before we bring out
our first guest,

we’d like to introduce
our newest feature.

It’s called Movie World
with Wayne and Garth.

* Movie World,
Movie World *

* With Wayne and Garth,
party time, excellent *

( imitating guitar )

All right, let’s take
a look at the movies.

The first movie is
Back to the Future II,

starring Michael J. Fox.

I liked it. Garth?

Yeah, I liked it, too.

Okay, let’s move on.

Steel Magnolias,

starring Darryl Hannah
and Dolly Parton.

I thought it sucked.

It was a chick movie.
Garth?

Yeah, it sucked.

Okay. Valmont,

with that
excellent babe--

excellent, excellent babe--
Meg Tilly.

Rrrraow!

I didn’t see it.
Garth?

Didn’t see it.
Okay.

The Bear.
The Bearsucked.

Sucked.

Sucked donkeys.

Okay. All Dogs
Go to Heaven.

Yeah, right!
Garth?

As if!

Okay. Prancer.
Garth?

It sucked big-time.

I kind of liked it.
Not!

Okay.

Crimes and Misdemeanors.

I thought it wasn’t
so much a movie

as it was an essay
of man in society.

Although the topic of
free will vs. determinism
is fascinating,

I would hardly call it
entertainment. Garth?

Sucked.

And finally, Batman.
Excellent!

He shoots, he scores.
Garth?

Mega-excellent.
Excellent.

Let’s recap, all right?

Okay, Back to
the Future II,
we both liked.

Steel Magnolias,
we both thought sucked.
It was a chick movie.

Valmont,
both didn’t see.

The Bear--
while Garth
thought it sucked,

I thought
it sucked donkeys.

All Dogs Go to Heaven.
Yeah, right.

Garth thought "as if".

Prancer,
I kind of liked. Not!

Garth thought
it sucked big-time.

Crimes and Misdemeanors,
I found alienating
and pristine.

Garth, on the other hand,
thought it sucked.

And finally, Batman--
excellent!

He shoots, he scores.

Garth thought
mega-excellent.

Okay, there we have it.

Extreme close-up[!

Waaaah!

Waaaah!

Waaaah!

Okay.

Excellent.
Excellent.

Let’s bring out
our first guest.

His name is
Chief Mark Wilson.

He’s the police chief
of Aurora.

Please welcome
Chief Wilson.

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time,
excellent *

( imitating guitar )

Welcome to Wayne’s World,
Chief Wilson.

Thanks, Campbell.

Uh, of course,
you know Garth, right?

Yeah, I know Garth.
Excellent.

Um, Police Chief
Wilson?

Yes?

A homo says what?
What?

A homo says what?

What?

A homo says what?

What?

Exactly!

Let’s get on with this!

Okay, Garth and I got caught
by Chief Wilson here

whipping snowballs
at cars, right?

So, to make it up to him,
we’ve decided to help out
the police force

and present, right here
on Wayne’s World,

Aurora’s Most Wanted.

( humming theme song )

Aurora’s Most Wanted,
with Police Chief
Mark Wilson.

Thanks, Campbell.

We have some unsolved crimes
in the Aurora area,

and with your help,
we can bring these
fugitives to justice.

Campbell and Garth here
will help with the reenactment.

Okay, Police Chief Wilson,
you gotta sit here,
all right?

Okay, reenactment.
Excellent.

First case involves
a Caucasian male

in his twenties
with a beard--

wanted in connection
with an attempted robbery.

On November 17,
a man with a shotgun

entered Jack’s Cycle
and Sports.

( imitates gun cocking )

He then asked the owner
to empty out the cash register.

Empty out the cash register
or I’ll blow your head off!

Okay, okay!
Just don’t shoot!

At that point, the suspect
saw the security camera,

got scared and left.

Um, Police Chief Wilson,
isn’t that kind of boring?

Couldn’t that be
more interesting?
What do you mean?

Well, with some sort
of embellishment.

Embellishment!
* Embellishment *

* Party time, excellent *

Okay. Uh...

seeing the
security camera,

the guy went mental
and pumped two shots
into the owner.

Kaboom! Kaboom!

( slowed-down scream )

Okay, then
the owner wheeled

and shot the robber
in the eye.

Kaboom!

Ohh! My eye!
My eye!

Blood! Blood! Blood!
Eye guts! Eye guts!

Then the assailant
ran down the stairs, okay?

Okay, and then he took
the escalator.

Okay?

And then he went
in a canoe.

Yeah, and then he
took an elevator.

* Love in
an elevator *

All right, knock it off,
you punks!

Now, let’s get back
to the facts.

If you have any information
about this case,

contact the Aurora
Police Department
at 555-2222.

All right, that’s it
for Aurora’s Most Wanted.

Police Chief Wilson,
I hope I’ve been
of some help to you.

I hope that makes us
even Steven.

I really hope you had
a homo-say-what good time.

What?
A homo says what?

What?
Exactly.

All right,
that’s all the time
we have for this week.

Until then, good night
and party on!

Good night,
party on!

* Wayne’s World,
Wayne’s World *

* Party time, excellent *

*

The following program
is brought to you

by a grant
from the Chubb Group.

*

Hello, and welcome
to The Anal-Retentive Chef.

I’m Gene. You know,
today’s show is very special.

I have a guest. And how do we
prepare our kitchen

for an unfamiliar guest?

Well, first we clean
and disinfect it.

Then we bake
a nine-inch pie

to give the kitchen
a homey smell.

And we organize the ingredients
for our guest’s recipe.

And here we have our garlic,
our peppers,

or onions
and our tomatoes.

Hmm. L-M-N-O-P.

So, really, the peppers
should go after the onions.

But...then we’ve got our
two white vegetables together.

So, let’s just put it back
the way it was.

Some things just
won’t be organized,

and we have to accept that,
now, don’t we?

No, we don’t.

We’ll go with
the alphabetical approach.

All right, and we’ve got
our spices and our knives,

and we’re all ready to go.

You know, there’s
a big thumbprint

on that camera lens

that is just
driving me crazy.

So, let me just
clean this up a bit.

It’s like watching
a television program

through someone’s
driver’s license, isn’t it?

That’s much better.
All right.

Now we’re looking sharp!

And we’re ready
to meet our first guest.

So, welcome, if you will,
Cajun chef,

author, raconteur
extraordinaire--

Odell Robespierre Lafitte.

Hey! Oh, Lord!

I thought I was never
gonna get out here, Chef.

You talk a lot!

Heh heh heh.
Well, it’s a gift.

Now, what sort of
Cajun delight

are you going to
prepare for us today?

I’m gonna be makin’
a crayfish etouffee.

Oh! You’re gonna
love it.

I’m told
it’s very good.

Oh, I’ll tell you,
if I was to take
a spoonful

and put it on the top
of your head,

your tongue would beat
a hole in the roof
of your mouth

tryin’ to get to it,
I guarantee you!

Well, where did you
learn to talk
and cook like that?

Did you go
to a school?

No, I growed up
on the bayou with
my TanteMarie.

"Tante"is French
for "aunt".

And she cooked for
the whole entire family.

Well, she must’ve been
a beautiful person.

Ooh! Lord no,
she was ugly!

She had a face
that would make a train
take a dirt road.

But, ooh, could she
turn out the food!

And she always told me--
she said, "Odell...

"always spit twice
in every dish--

"once when you cook it,
and once when you serve it,

"’cause there should always
be a little bit of you

in everything you make."

How colorful.

Well, let’s get
started, Odell.

I’m going
to stand back

and let you
take over the show.

Mikitchen
es sukitchen.

Okay, then, let’s make
some cookin’ room!

Ha ha ha!

Uh--Uh--Uh! Let me
be your hands!

Because I know where
everything goes.

Oh, lookie here.

We got our onion,
our tomato--

And onions and
tomatoes are exactly
the same size,

but, of course,
we know that,
don’t we?

Oh, let’s get rid
of this fella.

You done?
Yes, go on, please.

Okay. First,
we make our fish stock.

Now, I got a plane
full of bone, tail,
fish head--

What’s this?

You don’t put a hat
on my fish.

It’s an herbal
bouquet.

I don’t want
no hat on my fish.
Get him off of there.

Very well. You’re in
the driver’s seat.

Good. Now, first,
we cut up some onion!

( mock crying )

Uh--Uh...Odell?

I’ve already
cut up an onion.

Now, let’s compare,
shall we?

Look at my onion.
Doesn’t it look nice?

It just looks better
than your onion.

And, well...
let’s use mine.

It don’t matter
what it looks like.

You won’t see it
in the stock pot.

Yes, but we’ll know
it’s in there, won’t we?

So let’s just throw
your onion out
and we’ll--

You know how we dispose
of odiferous waste,
don’t you?

We’ve been
through this before.

Okay, now, we’re gonna
put the fish heads

in the stock pot.

Now--Ooh, don’t want
to forget that tail.

We add some Mr. Salt.

And his sister,
Miss Pepper.

And now we’re ready
for the onion.

Hisonion.

And we fold over
the bag neatly

and carefully
center the tape
on the fold.

There! Ready
for the trash.

All right,
what’s next?

Now, I’m gonna
make a roux.

Oh, that’s "roux"
with an "X".

And isn’t that smart?
I like that.

You take yourself
a hunk of butter--

What’s a hunk?

This is a hunk.
And how much is that?

This much.
How much?

Two damn inches, okay?!

All right, thank you.

I throw him in the pot.

Two inches is about
5 3/4 tablespoons.

Keep the heat low,
let it brown.

It’s closer to 5 7/8.

If it smokes any,
it’s too hot.

Let’s just say three.

You know, you left some
over on the side here--

Ouch.

Now...while
the butter melts,

let’s check
the fish stock.

What the hell?

You put your damn hat
back in with my fish heads.

Well, I confess,
my herbal bouquet

was hidden
in with the onion.

That’s it. You’ve ruined
the etouffee in the pot.

My tantewould not even
spit once in this pot!

You might as well
throw it in the garbage!

Well, I couldn’t
agree with you more!

And how do we
throw out large
amounts of food?

Well, we work from
the right to the left.

Now, I’ll wrap,
and, Odell, would you
like to help?

Okay, from right...

to left!

Well, that’s not the way
I would’ve done it.

But mine
is not the only way.

Now, I’m goin’ back
to the market

to buy me some more
fish heads,

and I’m comin’
back here.

You might want to
pick up a few tomatoes
while you’re there,

an onion or two.

All right.

Same paper towels, some Windex,
and steel wool pads.

I’d be happy
to give you a list.

Some abrasive cleanser
with bleach in it!

If they don’t have bleach,
get the regular kind...

This has been...

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Well, good evening,
and what can I tell you?

The Malta Summit
began today.

The plan was to hold
the talks on shipboard.

Here are the two battleships
anchored in Marsaxlokk Bay
in Malta.

Hey, ours is bigger.
Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

This is one of
the meeting rooms
aboard the U.S.S. Belknap

being used today
for the Bush-Gorbachev
bilateral summit at sea.

And this is
the sleeping quarters

being used by President Bush
aboard the same ship.

Hmm. We thought
this shipboard bed

looked a little small
for the President,

but we asked an expert
on the subject,

and Gary Hart assured us
that these things fit two
comfortably.

President Bush’s
personally-invited
entourage at Malta

was revealed today,

and it’s an interesting
collection of characters.

Along with Gorbachev
and Bush,

it includes
Secretary of Commerce
Robert Mosbacher,

his wife Georgette,

former President Reagan,

nuclear physicist
Professor Edward Teller,

and a good-looking
brunette stenographer.

Hmm, so, let’s see.
Let me get this straight.

It’ll be Gorbachev,
the Skipper, too,

the millionaire
and his wife,

the movie star,
the Professor and Mary Ann.

And remember--
it’ll be a three-hour summit.

A three-hour summit.

Saturday morning,
severe hurricane weather
hit the harbor at Malta,

disrupting
the carefully-planned
summit schedule.

Let’s take a quick look
at how things are going
over there

as we go live to Malta.

Oh, no-o-o-o!

( screaming )

BUSH: Hang on there,
Mikhail.

Coming to get you.
Coming on down.

Gonna be right there.
Just hang on.

Help me,
Mr. President!

Almost there.

Oh, my gosh.
Comin’ at ya.

Alley-oop! Whoa!

( coughing )

Oh, boy. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.

Oh, hang on. Oh!
( coughing )

Oh, boy. Oh, mercy.
This is bad! It’s bad!

Well, they seem to be
making progress, huh?

Last week, President Bush
cupped his hand

with a Soviet Red Army
chorus member

on the South Lawn
of the White House

and started making
really gross noises

to crack the guy
next to him up.

This week,
Pope John Paul II

shook hands
with Mikhail Gorbachev

in the first meeting ever
between a Kremlin chief
and a pontiff.

Oddly enough, the meeting
was not prearranged.

They just bumped
into each other

at a Thank God It’s Yogurt
near the Vatican.

In the Middle East,
Lebanon--

In the Middle East--

In the Middle East,
Lebanon--

In the Middle East!
In the Middle East!

Oh, God!
It’s Annoying Man!

Get out of here!
Get out of here!

You licked me,
you freak!
Aaah!

Get out of here!

( British accent )
You don’t have
to scream.

In the Middle East,
Lebanon this week

celebrated the 46th anniversary
of its independence

by assassinating
its new President,

and Beirut once again
became terrorism’s
favorite city.

For those who
might not understand
how Beirut is laid out,

it has a population
of 1.5 million,

and it’s found in many
key areas of the city--

a Christian East Beirut,

and a Muslin West Beirut,

and in the north,
we have the Harbor District,

where much of the shelling
is concentrated.

And right here,
in the center of it all...

* Is the Milford Plaza *

( laughs )

Yeah, 59 bucks for a room
in Manhattan.

And you get theater tickets
thrown in.

What, did I just
get hit in the head
with a wrecking ball?

( laughs )

Subscribers
to TimeMagazine

might have noticed
that this week’s issue,

with its cover story
on women in the ’90s,
was three days late.

And, boy, all of us guys
were sweating, huh?

A Japanese businessman
this week purchased communism.

A spokesman
for the buyer said,
"We got a great deal on it.

"A month ago, it was
going for 48 trillion.

"We got it for 19.95,
and they threw in
Lenin’s Tomb,

which we plan to convert into
a small bed and breakfast."

Immediately after
this photo was taken
last month in Philadelphia,

Polish labor leader
Lech Walesa said,

"I have heard so much
about your crack problem.

It is truly
a horrible thing to see."

And I have a correction
to make.

"Correction" is spelled
with two Rs.

The 700-store Carvel
ice cream chain--

famous for its favorites,
such as Fudgie the Whale,

Flying Walruses
and Cookie Puss--

was sold this week
by Tom Carvel

to an international company,
Investcorp,

for $80 million.

Here we see owner
Tom Carvel himself.

Tom’s nickname
is "Oh-my-God-Puss".

In last Sunday’s
New York Times Book Review,

two biographies of
famous pilot Amelia Earhart
were previewed.

According to publishers,
10,000 copies of each

were shipped out weeks ago,

but so far, none have arrived
at their destinations.

At the request of
the U.S. Information Agency,

The Wizard of Oz--
celebrating its
50th anniversary--

will be shown in East Germany
next month for the first time.

The Wizard of Oz, of course,
is the wonderful story

of a young girl who falls
into a deep sleep

and dreams that she leaves
a terrible, dark, brooding,
nasty place,

and wakes up one day
in a wonderful fairy land.

Wow, the East Germans
are gonna think it’s
a documentary, huh?

Last week, a dying Palestinian
Arab’s life was saved

when he received
a heart transplant
from an Israeli soldier.

Immediately following
the successful
four-hour operation,

the patient awoke,
thanked his doctors,

and beat himself about the face
and neck with his own fists.

The newest addition
to Michael Jackson’s

2,700-acre spread
near Santa Barbara

is an 18-month-old
female giraffe.

Jackson said he will raise
the animal as one of his own,

and, in keeping with that,
he announced plans this week

to surgically shorten
the giraffe’s neck.

You know, I just wanted
to take a moment
on a personal note

to say I sense a dangerous
precedent being set
in this country,

and that many people are now
referring to the game show
Wheel of Fortune

simply as Wheel.

Come on, it’s a game show.

Let’s not try to hip it up
too much, okay?

The Navy, under pressure
from state officials,

has stepped up plans
to retrieve live and
deactivated explosives

accidentally dropped outside
Nevada bombing ranges.

The search is a continuation
of an exercise

nicknamed
"Operation Ugly Baby"

and will be under
the leadership of Tom Carvel.

And Nadia Comaneci
arrived in New York yesterday

after fleeing
her homeland of Romania.

The gymnast,
who was the darling
of the ’76 Olympics,

has swiftly become
America’s new sweetheart.

In exchange,
the State Department
has arranged

to send Mary Lou Retton
to Romania, Albania,

or any country
that will have her.

Guess what, folks,
that’s the news.

*

*

Brought to you by...

Now there’s really something
about an Aqua Velva man.

Hello. Welcome
to the Ditka home...

to The Mike Ditka
Type-A Christmas Special.

Last year, we set
a goal for ourselves
for Christmas, ’89.

Make this Christmas special
the best ever,

and I’ll be honest with you--

I thought last year’s
special was terrible.

We let a lot
of people down.

It was a sickening,
horrible experience.

We made mental errors.

We were out there
singing Christmas carols

we didn’t even know
the words to.

We can’t do that
on a Christmas special.

But hey...
why go over it again?

Let’s bring out
the Ditka family.

First of all,
my daughter Alisa.

Dad, I know that
I don’t say this
often enough,

but I just wanted
you to know that,
whatever happens,

I’ll always have
an enormous
combination

of fear and
respect for you.

Thank you, baby.
Merry Christmas.

All right, this is
my younger son, Mike, Jr.

His friend
Pete Gorchenko,

who plays
on the same
high school team,

and who is...
quite, frankly,

a better
football player.

It’s pretty clear
who’s got his
priorities straight.

Is--Is this for me?

What do you think?
You think you earned
a present this year?

I don’t know, sir.

You come back
when you doknow.

Here, Pete.
This is for you.
Good job.

Thanks, Mr. Ditka.

Once again this year,
our special guest.

Hi, Mike,
Merry Christmas.

Thanks, Betty.
You’re a gutsy gal.

( choking up )
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Brian Piccolo.

Mike, you know,
I’m all right, okay?

Let’s just have fun
tonight, okay?

Okay, yeah.

Now I’d like to
introduce my wife--
Cookie Ditka.

Now, throughout
25 years of marriage,

Cookie has displayed
something very rare--

what I like to call
"quite excellence".

Let me tell you
something about how
tough this lady is.

She has given birth
to three children.

And believe me,
childbirth is not fun.

It hurts
like a bastard.

It’s sweaty, it’s
dirty, it’s smelly.

When the doctor
says, "Push,"
you gotta push.

Honey, I don’t think
the audience is interested

in hearing how difficult
my labor was.

Let’s just sing a carol,
why don’t we?

Oh, it’s your
Christmas special now?

No, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean that.
I--I--

I just wanted to sing,
that’s all.

Hey, Mom and Dad,
how about if we sing
Deck the Halls?

Yeah.

* Deck the halls
with boughs of holly *

* Fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la *

* ’Tis the season
to be jolly *

( bells ringing )
What’s that noise?
What’s that noise?

Oh, that sounds
like reindeer!

What are you doing?
Keep singing.

* Fa-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la *

( rumbling )

* Fa-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la *

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas!
( laughing )

Look, Dad!
It’s Santa Claus!

Ignore him. Let’s
start another carol.

* Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way *

Merry Christmas,
everybody!

I was in the neighborhood,
and I thought I’d drop by.

Hope you don’t mind.
( laughs )

You’re about
the only guy I know

that can drop in on
my Christmas special
unexpectedly,

bring it to
a screeching halt,

and still be welcome.

Well, look...

I’m sorry if it’s
not a good time.

All right, no, no,
forget it.

You’re here.
I’m not gonna be
a crybaby about it.

These things happen
on Christmas specials.

We didn’t respond
to it well.

We lost
our concentration.

Say, Mike, take a tip
from old Santa.

Try to mellow out,
would you?

Santa thinks you’re
a little out of control.

All right, Santa,
let me tell you
something.

Every year,
you fly around,

with the red suit
and the reindeer,

giving everybody
presents.
Hey, it’s great.

You’re certainly
popular.

You know, there are
some major problems
in the world.

Somebody with your
popularity and talent

could really
make a difference--
if they had the guts.

But, you know,
I just don’t see this
happening, frankly.

Santa knows what Mike
needs for Christmas.

A big pair of pliers

to pull that bug
out of your behind.

All right,
let’s go, fat boy.

Don’t ever touch Santa!
I’ll kill you!
I’ll brain you!

Dad! Stop! No!

( grunts )

It’s all right.
Santa will leave now.

You know, Mike,
Santa was gonna give you

a nice new sweater
for Christmas

because, you know...
you really need one.

But instead,
I think I’ll just
I’ll just give you

this turd-sized
lump of coal.

Wussy!

Oh, Mike, how could you?
That’s Santa Claus!

I hate you, Daddy!
I hate you!

Well...

I guess that’s it
for the 1989 Mike Ditka
Christmas Special.

Obviously,
it was a disaster.

You can blame it
on Santa barging in
and throwing us off,

but the truth is,
we were in trouble
before that.

I thought
our singing was bad.

Kids looked like
they didn’t care if
they were here or not.

You know, you saw it.
I’ll be honest with you--

I fooled myself. I thought,
after last year’s special,

we would finally
turn things around.

But right now,
the truth is,

I don’t know
if this family’s capable

of doing a good
Christmas special.

I certainly doubt we’ll be
given another chance.

Well, you know, we probably
don’t deserve another chance.

So, thank you.

And Merry Christmas.

*

*

Hello, and welcome,
everybody,

to another edition
of The Referee
Pitman Show.

As always, we’ll be
taking questions
and talking football

with NFL referee
Bill Pitman.

Ref, welcome.
Thanks, Rock.

Okay, last week
you called

the Bills-Oilers
game in Houston.

Let’s look at
some highlights.

Okay, there you are
making the calls.

There’s an offside.

There’s a defensive
holding.

And there’s a too many
men on the field.

Okay, as you can see,
it was an exciting game,

and there were some
controversial calls.

I understand, Ref,
that you were hit by
a bottle after the game.

Well, yes,
I was hit, Rock.

It was actually a jar.

I believe it was
sort of a pickle jar.

Well, inside the jar
was a fetus.

It was a pig fetus,
not a human fetus

like the one
in Philadelphia.

Fortunately,
it didn’t shatter...

like in Philadelphia.

Well, you’re
a lucky man, Ref.

Well, I know our
fans and callers

have plenty of
questions for you.
Let’s get started.

Yes, sir, you have
a question for the ref?

Yes. It’s great
to be here, Ref.

Um, listen,
I just wanted to know--

are you totally blind
or just legally blind?

Um, so that, you know,
you can make out shapes
and degrees of light--

that kind of thing?

Well, actually,
I have 20/20 vision.

I’ve mentioned this
on the show before.

I’m not blind,
never have been.
Thanks for your question.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, next.

Hi. I wanted to ask you
about last Sunday’s game.

Yes, go ahead.
I was just wondering--

were you watching
a different game
while you were officiating?

Like on a little mini-TV
or something?

No, I wasn’t. I was
concentrating on the game
I was officiating.

Oh, wow. ’Cause it seemed
like your calls

were related to a game
being played somewhere
far away.

That isinteresting.

Okay, who’s next? Yeah.

Hi, great show.

I saw the last game,
and I just wanted to know--

do you find it helpful
to keep your head
up your rear end?

I mean,
why during the game?

It seems that during the game,
you’d want to have your head,

you know,
out and in the open air
so you can see the plays.

I mean, is it comfortable,
or is it for the warmth,
or what?

How about it, Ref--
your head inside
your rear end?

No. No, nope.
Never done that.

Wouldn’t even know
how to go about it.

It’s an interesting
position, but...nope.

Okay, apparently not.
But good question.

Okay, Ref,
let’s take a look

at one of the more
controversial plays
from Sunday.

Here’s the pass
to Jeffries.

He clearly fumbles
to the other team,

but the ball
is ruled dead

and the Oilers
keep it.

It seems as though
you were retarded
on that play, Ref.

Hmm, no, I’m not
retarded, Rock.

Is there any history
in your family

of blackouts
or hallucinations

or fits of dementia?

No. I’m fairly certain
there isn’t,

but I could
research for you
and get back to you.

Good. Okay.
Let’s go back
to our audience.

I’ve got a question
about the ref’s brain.

I was just curious--
what’s in your head,

since there’s no brain?

Is it empty, or is it filled
with, say, human excrement?

I think I can handle
that one, Ref.

The Ref
does have a brain.

Otherwise, he wouldn’t
be able to conduct
this interview here.

That’s how I know.
I mean, it’s basic
high school biology.

So, the excrement
question is irrelevant.

Thank you.

Okay, let’s take
some calls.

Hello?

WOMAN: Hi, Ref?

When you’re caught
and banned from Pro Football,

what do you plan to do
for a living?

Well, I don’t know
what I’d be caught for,

but when I retire,
I plan to spend more time
with my children.

Oh. And, um, will you
teach them deception
and chicanery?

Hmm, nope.
Nope, I won’t.

Okay, another caller.
Next question for
the Ref. Hello?

MAN: Hello.
I’m an optometrist.

Sorry, we covered
that topic earlier.

Okay, let’s go back
to our audience.

Hi. Great show, Ref.
Thanks.

My boy and I were wondering

what it’s like for you
to have no soul.

And also, what do you use
to fill up your body

where the soul would be?

Now, is that human excrement

or dog excrement?

( laughs )
I wish I had a dime

for every time
I was asked that one.

Okay, do we have
time for one more
question?

One more question.
You have something
else, sir?

Yeah, I just wanted
to invite Referee Pitman

to have sex with himself.

Because that’s something that,
as far as I’m concerned,

he can go and do.

Good to know.
We’re out of time.

Ref, this Sunday
you’re doing the
Giants-Eagles game.

That’s right, Rock.
Good, good.

And will there be
any real refs

at this game
in attendance?

Yes, myself
and two others.

Hard to believe.
Okay, till next week,

this is Rock Clark
saying Referee Pitman
sucks.

Good night.

*

Great pot roast, Mom.

Nobody makes pot roast
like my mom.

Well, thank you.
It’s nice to hear
you so chipper.

Yeah, that’s more like
the old Scott-a-rino.

What’s her name, son?

( laughter )

It’s not a girl, Dad.
I joined a club.

Oh, great--a club.

So, tell us about it.

Well, we’re called
the Crips.

Oh? The Crips.

Yeah, and we hate
the Bloods.

You hate
the Bloods. Oh.

Yeah. See, we wear blue,
and they wear red.

And when we see someone
wearing red, we kill them.

Pass the milk.

Please.
Please.

You know,
I’ve got to admit--

when we first
moved here,

your father
and I were
a little worried.

You didn’t seem
to fit in.

Well, your mom was concerned.

Your peas are
getting cold, son.

So, um, how many lads
are in this...Crips?

Well, so far,
here in Elmhurst,

it’s just me
and Dale Butterworth.

Most of the other guys
are in L.A.

See, we hate the Reds.
That’s what we call
the Bloods.

And what else
do you do besides
hate the Reds?

Well, that’s
the main thing.

Plus, we sell crack.

Oh, crack!
You know, honey,

Tom Brokow did
something about that
last week.

Brokaw, honey.
Tom Brokaw.

No, it’s spelled "kow".

No, it’s
spelled "kaw".

It’s cocaine, right?
Only you smoke it.

And so far
I’ve sold 50 vials.

Cool T says that
if I sell 20 more,

I can get a pup tent.

Cool T. Cool T.
I haven’t--

I don’t believe
I’ve ever met him.

Yeah, he’s our adviser
from Los Angeles.

See, he’s a homeboy.

Homeboy.
Yeah.

Now, I like
the sound of that--
homeboy.

Here, have some
creamed corn.

Now, what exactly
does this Cool T do?

Well, mainly
he drives us around

when we do
a drive-by shooting.

See, Dale has only
got his learner’s,
right?

Drive-by shooting?

To kill the Reds.
God, Mom, haven’t you
been listening?

The Crips
hate the Reds.

Oh. Oh!

( laughs )

What, honey? What?

Oh, I was wondering

why you spray
painted "Crips rule"
on the garage.

( laughter )

Ohh.

( gunfire )

I’ll bet those
were the Reds.
Right.

Remember I was
telling you about them?

Right.
You hate them.

That’s right.
So, I gotta go get
my revenge, okay?

Wait one minute,
mister.

You know the rules.
Homework first.

Oh, come on, Mom,
it’s an honor thing.

Well, okay,
just this once.

Okay. Don’t wait up.

Go, Blues, go!

Get those Reds!
Ha ha ha ha!

And you were worried.

Go on, admit it.
You were worried.

I admit--a little bit.

That’s right.
But I’m right.
Right.

That’s right.
But I’m right.
Right.

( baby crying )

I didn’t expect
to see you up.

I didn’t expect
to beup.

*

You gotta let
this thing go.

The doctor said
it wasn’t your fault.

( sighs )

I could’ve taken
better care of myself.

I could’ve
eaten better.

You can’t eat
better than this.

I wasn’t eating this
when it happened.

Would you stop
beating yourself up?

It’s not your fault
that it’s brand-new.

I, uh...came over
to apologize.

I am so sorry

about what I said
last night.

I just--
You’re not perfect.

I just needed someone
to be perfect in my life
right now.

Have you
had breakfast?

No. No, I never
have time for breakfast.

I just don’t have time.
I don’t--

I just...don’t.

That’s no way
to start your day.

I know.

I know, I know,
I know, I know.

This is good.

And good for you.
No fat, no sugar.

No salt.

And in all the shapes

of your favorite
thirtysomething
characters.

Oh, guys.

I got an oat bran Elliot.

I like the way
the vitamin-fortified
Hope flakes

stay crisp in skim milk.

Well, Ned, let’s go!

I got the court
in ten minutes.

Come on--basketball!
Remember?

Haven’t had my
thirtysomethingcereal yet.

Oh, come on,
you don’t eat cereal.

I got another oat bran
muffin in the car.

Another muffin?
Yeah.

( baby crying )

Hey, what’d I do?

Do you know how many grams
of partially-hydrogenated fats

there are in one
oat bran muffin?

No.

That’s just it.
You never know...
do you?

Newthirtysomething--

from the makers of Teenage
Ninja Mutant Tertlescereal.

*

Ladies and gentlemen,
for those of you

who might’ve been
a little confused
by tonight’s monologue,

watch very carefully.

There was
no technical screw-up.

It made perfect sense.

We don’t make those kinds
of mistakes here.

We’re highly-paid
professionals.

It never happened.
Now, when I snap my fingers,

you will remember the monologue
only as a very pleasant
experience.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it has been a hell of a week,

and I would like to thank
the cast, the crew,

my brother for coming,
my wife for being here.

Thank everybody.

Good night, everybody!