Original subtitles

*

Yes, Mr. Nicholson, can I help you?

Yes, I think you can.

I believe I have an arrangement with Warner Bros.

whereby I receive 20% of the gross ticket sales for the film Batman,

the first payment of which I’m supposed to collect

upon release of the videocassette,

which, I believe, is today.

That’s correct, Mr. Nicholson.

Yes, I have a check for your Batman royalties here

for the 15th, totaling $50 million.

Okay, I would like $30 million in government bonds,

$10 million in Time Warner stock,

$4 million in traveler’s checks,

and the other $6 million in hundreds and twenties.

We can’t split your payment that way.

What do you mean, you can’t split my payment?

We don’t sell traveler’s checks.

It’s against the rules.

I can give you $30 million in government bonds,

$5 million in T-Bills, the rest in cash.

That’s our Advantage Plan.

It comes with a preferred interest rate.

Yeah, I know what it comes with,

but that’s not what I want.

Well, I’ll come back when you’ve made up your mind.

Wait a minute.

I have made up my mind.

I’d like $30 million in government bonds,

$10 million in stock.

Forget the traveler’s checks.

And the other $4 million I would like in rolls of nickels.

We don’t sell Time Warner stock for cash.

What do you mean, you don’t sell stock?

Would you like to talk to the head of the department?

Hey, Mac--

Shut up.

You’ve got shares on the market?

Stock certificates of some kind?

I don’t make the rules.

Okay, I’ll make this as easy for you as I can.

I’d like $30 million in government bonds,

and the rest in hundreds, fifties, twenties and nickels.

The Select Service Plan. Anything else?

Yeah. Now all you have to do is take $10 million from my corporate account,

convert it into Time Warner stock,

have the corporation sell the stock to me,

I approve the transaction, I keep the stock,

and you haven’t broken any rules.

You want me to liquidate your corporate stock

so you can sell it back to yourself, huh?

I want you to hold it between your knees.

You see that sign?

I don’t have to take your smartness and sarcasm.

You see thissign?

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, David Byrne.

And starring Woody Harrelson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Woody Harrelson!

Whoo!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

It’s great to be hosting Saturday Night Live.

I just saw David Byrne backstage.

All right!

You know, I don’t know him, but from what I can tell,

he’s the same as he ever was, same as he ever was.

Yeah.

You know, I’m a songwriter myself.

I’ve been writing songs for years.

I almost gave it up once. I was kind of blocked,

you know, I couldn’t seem to find the words to express myself.

I was very... frustrated, you know?

But then a friend gave me this.

It’s called a Roget’s "Thes-aurus".

All right? Now--

Don’t laugh. This little book

has made all the difference in my songwriting.

And that is important to me,

because I make my living doing comedy,

which means I spend most of my time just joking around.

Everything’s "ba-dum-bum", you know?

So, it’s only in my songs that I can express my serious side.

And tonight I’d like to sing a song

and dedicate it to a very--

Thank you.

A very special woman who’s watching right now.

( clicks tongue ) All right?

It’s called...

Pretty Lady.

I like that title.

* Hey, pretty lady *

* Foxy lady *

* Appealing lady *

* Fetching lady *

* Alluring lady *

* Comely lady *

* Pulchritudinous lady *

* Easy-on-the-eye lady *

* Winsome lady *

* Callipygian lady *

* She could’ve been ugly *

* A homely lady *

* Unsightly lady *

* Repulsive lady *

* Revolting lady *

* Unaesthetic lady *

* Face-that-could- stop-a-clock lady *

* Something-the-cat drug-in lady *

* But she’s a pretty lady *

* Exquisite lady *

* Stunning lady *

* Oh, pretty lady *

* I love you *

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I’m very appreciative. I’m grateful.

I’m in your debt, you know?

I’m obliged.

You’re too felicitous, really.

All right, stick around. We got a great show.

We’ll be right back.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, welcome to America’s stupidest game show...

And here’s your host, Johnny Johnson!

Thank you. I’m Johnny Johnson,

and welcome to Who’s Dumber?

Today is the day we’ve been waiting for--

the national championship round of Who’s Dumber?

As you know, we started with 10,000 of the dumbest people in America

at the beginning of the year.

Today we’ve whittled it down to two.

So, let’s meet our two contestants,

who I think we can truly call the dumbest people in America.

Hailing from Miami, Florida,

please welcome Victoria Jackson!

Victoria, tell the audience your name and what you do.

My name is Victoria Jackson,

and I’m currently playing myself on Saturday Night Live.

Now, let me ask you-- that dumb thing you do on that show--

is that just an act?

As far as I know.

Okay.

And, hailing from Midland, Texas,

please welcome Woody Harrelson.

Woody, tell the audience your name and what you do.

I’m Woody Harrelson, and I’m currently playing Woody

on the television show Cheers,

and right now I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

Congratulations.

Say, are you related to Bud Harrelson,

the famous Mets baseball player?

No. Why do you ask?

Well, you both have the same name.

His name’s Woody?

No, yourname’s Woody. His name’s Bud.

So, how could we be related?

Yeah, that’s a stupid question.

Yeah, who’s dumber now?

Okay.

Let’s begin the game.

Now, remember-- these are questions

that Woody and Victoria picked out themselves...

three months ago.

So, they’ve had plenty of time to do research.

First question is--

what year was the War of 1812?

What year was the War of 1812?

( ding ) Victoria.

What?

What? Huh?

You rang the bell.

Oh. It must’ve been a mistake.

Oh, so, you don’t have an answer?

No. If I had an answer, I would’ve rung the bell,

don’t you think?

( ding ) Woody!

Uh, could you repeat the question, please?

Of course. What year was the War of 1812?

What year was the War of 1812?

Three months’ research.

1812.

( ding ) Woody!

Um...pass.

( ding ) Victoria!

Now, thatwas my bell.

Judges?

( buzz )

Tie! The judges call it a tie.

So, the score remains zero.

Let’s move on to the next question.

And the next question is--

your skeleton is inside or outside your body?

Your skeleton is inside or outside your body?

( ding ) Victoria.

Um... Inside, Victoria. Say inside.

Are you sure? No.

Inside!

That is correct! Woody gets the point.

But I answered the question.

Yes, but Woody gave you the answer?

You could hear that?

Yes, Woody, you both have on microphones.

And since you gave Victoria the answer, you were dumber.

So, you win. Because this is Who’s Dumber?

( ding ) Victoria!

Woody! What?

Woody is related to Woody Allen.

I am?

What are you talking about?

It was a question you asked earlier.

Who’s Woody related to?

( ding ) Woody Allen.

No. No, that question wasn’t part of the game.

And yet I answered it.

As did I!

Perhaps we should change the name of the show

to Who’s Smarter?

I believe we both are.

Judges?

The question counts. And the winner--

( buzz )

Tie! Once again, a tie.

So, no points count. Okay...here’s our final question

for the championship, worth $100,000.

Woody and Victoria, you’re both tired at zero,

so whoever gets this question wins.

And remember-- the two of you picked this question.

Listen carefully, as it is a two-part question.

An electric train is traveling from New York to Los Angeles.

The distance between those two cities is 3,000 miles,

and the train is traveling at 1,000 miles per hour.

How long will the trip take,

and what direction will the smoke travel from the train?

( ding ) Victoria!

It’s an electric train. It doesn’t have smoke.

Very good! That’s one point.

And how long will it take the train to reach Los Angeles?

Okay. 5 1/2 hours...

because trains always start late

and they have to stop for gas

and people to go to the bathroom,

and, frankly, I don’t think a train could go that fast.

Well, we’re all glad you’re thinking.

Woody, you can now tie or win.

This is so easy.

Okay, the train would take three hours to reach Los Angeles.

That is correct! One point!

And the smoke travels east.

Oh. Judges?

( buzz ) Woody wins!

Wait a minute! That’s not fair!

That’s not fair. We both had one point.

But he’s hosting our show.

Victoria, really, you never had a chance.

So, what about the money?

Woody, there never was any money.

Anyway, join us next week on Who’s Dumber?

I’m Johnny Johnson! Good night, everybody!

*

*

* On the lonesome trail *

* A cowboy’s thoughts will wander *

* When he’s sittin’ in the saddle *

* And he’s lookin’ at the cattle *

* From behind *

* You can see their brown eyes blinkin’ *

* And you swear sometimes they’re winkin’ *

* On the lonesome trail, the thought does cross your mind *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

* And the horse gets more attractive *

* By the campfire *

* And the cook is awful dirty *

* But his mouth is awful purty *

* When he yawns *

* There’s a woodchuck in my bedroll *

* And it kind of makes my head roll *

* On the lonesome trail, you tend to ramble on *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

* Got a sweetheart in El Paso waitin’ for me *

* El Paso * * El Paso *

* And she’s decent and she’s gentle *

* And she’s sweet and sentimental *

* To the core *

* To the core * * To the core *

* And she says we’ll marry one day *

* And I’m seein’ her come Sunday *

* But before I do, I think I’ll see a whore *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three very lonesome cowboys *

( whooping )

*

Hey, you want to dance? Okay!

( laughter )

Oh, we were dancing.

Yes, we were. We were dancing.

Welcome. Hi.

I’m Linda Dano. And I’m Dee Kelly.

Welcome to Attitudes. Yes, we’re here.

Yes. We are. Yes.

We were talking to the audience before the show

because we always like to do that, don’t we?

Because we like to get to know the audience, right?

And we found out we have a set of twins in the audience.

Twins? Yes. Ha ha! Yeah.

Yeah, and even though they live in different cities,

they always know how the other one feels.

I mean, it’s almost like they can communicate without talking.

I can do that. I can do that. I’m Italian.

We use our hands.

( laughter )

Well, you know, I’ll bet we could communicate

without talking, you and I.

Right, okay. What am I thinking?

You’re hungry.

Oh, that was a sucker, bozo.

That was easy. Okay.

So, what kind of a show are we gonna have?

We are going to have a wonderful show.

Now, our guest today is an example

of what a person can do

when they put their mind...

And hands together to work.

Together.

Will you welcome, please...

BOTH: Paul Tinso.

Paul Tinso, welcome!

( indistinct chatter )

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Welcome to Attitudes.

Welcome, Paul Tinso.

Hello, Paul. Hi.

Now, Paul, you have made something

that the world has just fallen in love with.

Head over heels.

Tell us what it is that you make.

I make, uh-- I may clay miniatures.

And it’s knocking our socks off.

Mmm! Yeah.

Now, um, how did all of this evolve?

Mm-hmm, yeah, tell us.

Well, I was working-- I was tired of working for other people,

so I wanted to be my own man.

Right. Yeah, yeah.

I decided to make something I could sell.

Yes. Of course, right, yeah.

And once I had made that decision,

I had an even bigger decision--

what to make.

Oh. What to make.

That is a big decision-- what to make.

And then a friend of mine

turned me on to clay.

And the rest is history.

Now, can you show us what it is that you make?

Let us see it. We want to see it.

We’d like that, wouldn’t we?

Open it up. Let’s do it.

Oh! Ooh.

Oh, look! It’s so much stuff! Unbelievable!

And so tiny, tiny, tiny.

Yeah. Tiny, tiny foods. Tiny foods.

Are we getting these?

Can we get this, please?

Why so small?

Uh, well, originally, I made clay pieces

that were larger than actual size,

and these were the samples.

But when I showed the display to my clients,

they liked these better.

Now, you had an interesting theory

on why they liked, you know, the small ones.

Yeah, he did.

Yes, I think it’s because small things are cuter.

Yes! That is true! It is true!

Puppies are a lot cuter than dogs.

Babies are cute. Little soaps in hotels.

They’re just little people.

I don’t know why we feel that way.

I don’t know!

I’d make them smaller if I could.

Now, can we see one of these up close?

Well, you kind of have to to appreciate it.

Oh, please, yeah.

Are we seeing that?

Oh, do you see--

do you see that?

Isn’t that great?

Yeah.

Could I-- Could I hold it, please?

Uh, sure. Uh, careful.

Okay. Oh, this is so neat.

It’s a little waffle.

Good eye. A lot of people think it’s toast.

Yeah. They do.

Let me ask a question here.

How do you make the syrup?

Hmm, how do you do that?

Uh, well, actually, I use glue.

It’s the clear brown kind.

You’d be amazed what glue can look like.

Yeah, yeah.

Gravy, honey.

Creative stuff. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah.

Beef broth.

Look at this. It’s a hot dog. Can you see?

Oh, yeah, that’s-- that’s a foot-long.

Look at that.

A foot-long hot dog, yeah.

Now, could we-- could I just ask--

what kinds of hands make these tiny, delicate creations?

Could we-- Could we see your hands?

I’m serious.

Okay. Beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Are we getting this? Can you see these?

Look at this. Do you see?

Now, these are not small hands.

These are the hands of a big, big man.

You know? Yeah.

So, these hands made this little plate--

all of these little things.

That’s--That’s-- That’s salmon.

Pick it up, pick it up.

That’s salmon, baked potato and peas.

You know, a balanced meal--

a balanced meal is very important, isn’t it?

I vary these. Sometimes I make salmon with peas and rice.

Oh. Rice. Rice.

How do you--

How long does it take you to make rice?

A long time. Um... it’s almost not worth it.

Now, I see some desserts here. May I?

What is this, a tort?

I’m gonna take a-- Oh. Oh, yes.

Look at that. It’s a chocolate tart.

Yes, it is.

Now, what would we, as laypeople,

do with these little things?

How do we use them? Like in a dollhouse,

or give them magnets and put them on refrigerators?

Party favors?

Or little pins and jewelry package decorations?

Those are all good suggestions.

You mind if I jot these down?

Hey, get this one. Earrings.

Finally, I’m wearing my desserts

someplace other than my thighs.

( laughter )

What was the magnet thing you said?

Oh, right-- refrigerator magnet, yeah.

Paul Tinso, thank you for sharing

your miniature vision with us.

A tiny achievement. A big future. Yes.

What an eye-opener.

Isn’t it? Yeah.

Now, what about tomorrow’s show?

Tomorrow, Lena Horne’s coming down

to make bread puddin’!

Oh! I’m gonna eat! Ha ha ha ha!

Save some for me! I will!

*

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Good evening. And what can I tell you?

It was Lech Walesa week in the United States.

He conquered Washington, then New York,

and today he hit Chicago,

where NBC filed this report.

NEWSCASTER: A relaxed and playful Walesa

clearly relished the ceremonies of the day.

At the Polish-American Congress,

a Walesa-style goodwill greeting.

Given a second chance, he did it again.

Afterwards, Walesa admitted that his first name

is really pronounced "Letch".

And Philippine President Aquino

visited the White House last week,

and, in her honor, President Bush dressed up as a pineapple.

Wonder if Bob Dole put him up to it.

Well, the, um--

the White House had its Thanksgiving ceremony this week.

Do you think all the turkeys who survive Thanksgiving

get together the next day and have a celebration called Thanksgiving?

And look at the loose neck skin on that thing.

And the turkey, too. You know--

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

This headline appeared in the Los Angeles Times last week...

Actually, condoms and the Palestinian Homeland are a lot alike.

You can never find one when you need one.

( laughs )

The 63rd Annual Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

takes place this Thursday.

This year, Santa Claus will be played

by convicted Wall Street wizard Ivan Boesky.

Santa’s Christmas message this year is,

"Ticonderoga Steel is ripe. A little elf told me."

Gobel, Gobel, Gobel.

And the CBS news program Saturday Night with Connie Chung--

suffering low ratings and harsh criticism

for its regular use of reenactments of news stories--

might now be ready to stop using

the aforementioned recreations.

This week at a press conference,

Connie Chung herself made the announcement.

Hi, I’m Connie Chung.

We will not do any more recreations.

You know, uh--

Connie looks great. I think Maury’s really good for her.

300,000 East Germans were arrested this week en masse in West Germany

for public drunkenness

as they celebrated the dissolution of the Berlin Wall.

All 300,000 are now in prison,

and a spokesman for the group said,

"We don’t like freedom. It’s too confining."

Gable, Gable, Gable.

And the long-running Broadway hit Cats

will soon be making its 3,000th performance,

and, to commemorate the event,

the theater will change its name to the Winter Garden Litter box.

This week, Ringo Starr won a court order in Atlanta

barring the release of a solo album he made

while, quote, "under the influence".

Arista Record execs fear this precedent may force a recall

of the entire Grateful Dead catalogue.

Goebbels, Goebbels, Goebbels.

And East German leader Egon Krenz

greets East German Prime Minister Hans Modrow yesterday

after Modrow delivered a speech to the East German Parliament.

A bystander overheard the two men talking

and reported that Krenz said, "We are both East Germans,

and yet your head is so different from mine."

The President of South Africa, F.W. de Klerk,

on Thursday opened that country’s beaches to black bathers

for the first time in history.

15 minutes later, immediately after thousands of blacks

began swimming out in the ocean,

de Klerk once again closed the beaches.

Gamble, gamble, gamble.

West Berliners released hundreds of balloons yesterday

with a photo of Mikhail Gorbachev

as a gesture of thanks for pulling down the wall.

Imagine the poor bastard whose job it is

to paint the red spot on the balloons,

so when you blow them up, Gorby has a birthmark.

And, to maintain some semblance of order in Berlin,

it was announced this week that the wall will be replaced by a beaded curtain.

The National Stuttering Project--

protesting the portrayal of stuttering in the film A Fish Called Wanda--

has received a contribution of $2,500 from MGM/United Artists.

The payment was made in small amounts at irregular intervals.

Here we see General Electric

putting up the Christmas crane in Rockefeller Center yesterday.

They used this old tree they were about to throw out

to brace the crane until they could get it securely anchored.

Gumbel, Gumbel, Gumbel.

And this is an artist’s conception

of a 500-story building planned by a Japanese company

to be built in Tokyo Bay--

nearly five times as tall as the Sears Tower in Chicago.

Boy, those Japanese really have building envy, don’t they?

Gullible, gullible, gullible.

And in the Weekend Update mailbag this week,

I received this photograph of the Arkansas Mountain Home High School German class

visiting the Berlin wall,

where they left a memento for all to see.

Yeah, we made the wall, you know?

I’d like to think that when East Berliners leave the country,

they say to the border guards, "I’m outta here,"

but I know in my heart they’re probably saying, "Isn’t that special?"

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

( yodeling )

Welcome to...

The informative training program

for the serious weightlifter.

BOTH: All right, welcome. We’re back.

Ja,once again.

Ja.All right.

All right. Ja,all right.

I am Hans. And I am Franz.

And we just want to pump...you up!

All right, before we begin,

Hans and I would like to take the time

to wish you and your loved ones a happy Thanksgiving.

Ja,and to remind you, you know,

that it’s not an excuse to stuff your face

like the fat pig losers you are!

All right, all right. Enough talk.

We have a little surprise tonight.

As you know, the Berlin Wall was taken down.

So, to celebrate--

That’s right. Ja. That’s right.

To celebrate, we are taking down ourwall.

That’s right-- our wall of discipline.

Tonight we will show you pathetic girlie men

a way to skip the workout

and go right to the pump-itude.

How? How, you may ask?

Simple. Simple.

Liposuction. Liposuction.

At this time, let us present to you

the Hoover Heidemann Liposuction

model 78154 Flab-o-suction machine.

This is the most powerful Flab-o-suction machine

in the free world.

Ja.You can suck the love handles off a girlie man

in three seconds.

From 35 meters,

it can convert an elephant into a dachshund.

And not a regular dachshund.

A dachshund that never forgets.

Well, you know, you get the point.

Ja,enough obscure imagery.

We’re not here to paint obscure imagery. We’re here to...

suck you out! Suck you out!

All right, we will Flab-o-suck someone

we think you might recognize.

Please welcome our good friend Roseanne Barr.

All right. Ja.

Hi, Hans. Hi, Franz. Hey, everybody.

Hello, Roseanne. How are you? How are you doing?

Well, it’s really great to be here and all that crap and everything.

So, like, you know, the only time I get to see muscles, you know,

is, like, on the menu under "Appetizers".

That’s funny. Ja,that’s a funny one.

Ja,funny.

Hey, want to see my new tattoo?

I got it just for this show. It’s really cute.

I don’t know.

It says "I ’heart’ Hans and Franz". Ha!

Are you ready for your Flab-o-suction treatment?

Oh, yeah, I’m real excited. I get to get all naked and everything, right?

Ja,good. Then it’s time to suck your buttocks.

Okay. Oh--

Get behind the privacy curtain.

After you can suck my flab, you think you can vacuum my floors? Ha!

That’s funny. That’s funny.

That’s a funny one. Ja.

All right.

Voltage on Flab-o-meter reads 8.12.

Ja,check.

Suction valve secure? Check.

Insert tubes? Sterilized.

Hey, stop when you get to my breasts.

I like them the way they are.

All right, okay.

She’s good and ready for sucking, Hans.

Very good. Commence Flab-o-suction on level 10.

Level 10? Are you sure?

Ja, ja. This is a big job

now that I get a good look at it.

All right. Level 10 it is.

All right, Franz. Put it on computer control.

All right, all right. Got it, now it’s working.

Ja, ja. That’s good.

Suction machine is working nice.

Ja,it’s coming out nice.

Look at that. That’s good.

That’s a good return for us.

ROSEANNE: Hey, that fat looks kind of good.

It’s making me hungry.

That’s right. Hey, take a look, girlie man.

That is you in liquid form.

All right, that’s nice.

Yeah, all right. All right.

Now we have a minute, we’d like to discuss

the merits of Flab-o-suction.

Ja.While it can efficiently prevent a flab-alanche,

it is by no means a shortcut to pump-itude.

Ja.That’s right, you know.

So, just be aware of that.

You know, you’ve got to be aware

and ready to pump all the time.

Suck-itude is no substitute for pump-itude.

That’s right.

ROSEANNE: Hey, guys!

Hey!

That’s right.

( shouts indistinctly )

( shouts in German )

ROSEANNE: Hey! Hey, something’s not right here.

Hans, it is--

( overlapping shouts )

Run for your lives!

It’s a nightmare!

Turn off the machine! Turn off the machine!

Oh, gross!

Looks like King Kong popped a zit.

All right. That’s enough for tonight.

Until next week, I am Hans. And I am Franz.

And I am a svelte domestic goddess. Ja.

And we just want to suck... you out!

This has been...

Hi. Hi.

You here for the dollar education course?

Yeah. Me, too.

These are good classes.

Yeah, yeah, it’s good. Helps you learn.

Yeah, yeah, it does.

Just, uh--

Yeah.

So, you, uh-- you work for the phone company?

Huh? What? No.

Oh, I just thought-- you know, you have an envelope there

that says "phone company" on it.

I thought maybe you worked for them.

No, this is my phone bill.

Oh, right. Sure, of course.

Yeah. Yeah.

You a marathon runner?

What do you mean?

I just saw your shoe.

I thought that, uh--

Oh. Heh. You mean these sneakers? Yeah.

No, no, they’re just comfortable.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, you look like you’re in good shape.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I just walk in them, yeah.

Yeah.

You a cowboy?

No. Why do you ask?

I just noticed the dungarees, you know?

Oh, no, no. These are just blue jeans.

Just regular old blue jeans.

Sure, I’m--

I got some of those myself.

Oh.

Are you a cowboy?

Oh, no, no. It’s the same thing as you.

Right. Casual, right.

Right.

You play for the Mets?

What do you mean?

Uh-- Oh, the shirt?

Yeah, yeah. No, you can buy these. Anybody can.

( chuckles ) I didn’t know.

So, I guess you’re from Switzerland?

Huh? No, no.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think that

because of the watch--

Oh, no, actually, it was the chocolate bar in your pocket.

Oh.

It’s a Hershey’s chocolate bar.

No, that’s from Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Oh, so you’re from Pennsylvania?

No, I’m from New York.

Oh. Well, of course. You play for the Mets.

No, that’s you.

Oh, right. No, but I don’t. Right.

Anyone can-- Right, right.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you just take a tour of an orange grove?

What?

Oh, I just thought

that maybe you took a tour of an orange grove,

and they gave you that as a sample.

No. No.

Good evening, and welcome to Recognizing Poisonous Snakes.

I hope you’ll find the class enlightening

as well as enjoyable.

Before I begin, do you have any questions?

Yes.

Are you a shepherd?

No. Why do you ask?

Forget it.

I was gonna ask the same thing.

Okay, open to page 25.

We’ll see some colored plates of snakes.

( gunfire )

Nurse?

Doctor.

Doctor.

He said, "Nurse."

What’s up, Doc?

How are you feeling, Private?

Like I just stepped on a landmine.

That’s because you did.

What’s the damage?

Well, you lost a leg.

Ohh.

But that’s the worst of it.

My ears are still ringing.

Any questions I might be able to answer?

Yeah, I’m having a little trouble

moving my left arm, Doc.

That’s because it’s gone, Private.

But you said the leg was the worst of it.

Well, it is. A leg is bigger than an arm.

A leg keeps you up, lets you walk and kick things.

An arm--An arm is just for clapping,

and there’s no clapping out here, there’s no entertainment.

So, the leg and the arm

are the very worst of it?

I would say the leg is the worst of it.

Oh. Doctor, what about...

the rest of me?

I still say the leg.

The leg lets you sneak up on an enemy.

You can tiptoe-- things like that.

I can’t feel anything below my neck, Doc.

That’s because it’s gone, Private, it’s all gone.

It’s just blown clear away.

You’re a mighty lucky man to still be alive.

You mean I’m... just a head?

Well, sort of. You’re also missing the back of your head.

Ohh. So...

I’m just a face, more or less?

Yes, more or less, Private.

Oh, that’s not good.

No, it’s not, but I’m still sticking with the leg.

You know, I’ve always been a big leg man.

You ever see the stems on Betty Grable? Ohh.

Ohh, God.

Cigarette?

Sure.

Light?

Yeah.

Hold it for you?

No.

Yeah, all right. All right.

What about the rest of the platoon?

Monahan? Dead.

Douglas? Dead.

Murphy? Dead.

Hartford? Connecticut.

Garrett? Dead.

Hollywood? California.

Went back yesterday.

Well, I’m gonna make the rounds, Private.

If you need anything, just get up and--

Oh.

If you need anything, just whistle.

Thanks, Doc.

How are you feeling, soldier?

I know things look pretty bleak,

but believe me, they could be a lot worse.

And now...

Tarzan thankful for many thing--

for vine that not break,

for stick that not snake,

for crocodile-free lake,

for Jane coconut cake.

Tonto thankful for reduction of tension

between Soviet Bloc

and industrialized free market economies of West.

Also for growing awareness

of fragility of Amazon Basin ecosystem.

Also for vigorous, healthy and varied sex life.

( grunting )

Frankenstein thankful for?

Fire!

Frankenstein not thankful for fire.

Frankenstein fear fire.

Bad!

This has been...

*

I’d like to thank David Byrne, the band.

Thank you for coming. Party at my place.

Everybody be there.

Thanks for coming!