All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E06.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

*

Yes, Mr. Nicholson,
can I help you?

Yes, I think you can.

I believe I have
an arrangement
with Warner Bros.

whereby I receive 20%
of the gross ticket sales
for the film Batman,

the first payment of which
I’m supposed to collect

upon release
of the videocassette,

which, I believe,
is today.

That’s correct,
Mr. Nicholson.

Yes, I have a check
for your Batman
royalties here

for the 15th,
totaling $50 million.

Okay, I would like $30 million
in government bonds,

$10 million
in Time Warner stock,

$4 million
in traveler’s checks,

and the other $6 million
in hundreds and twenties.

We can’t split your
payment that way.

What do you mean,
you can’t split my payment?

We don’t sell
traveler’s checks.

It’s against
the rules.

I can give you
$30 million in
government bonds,

$5 million
in T-Bills,
the rest in cash.

That’s our
Advantage Plan.

It comes with
a preferred
interest rate.

Yeah, I know
what it comes with,

but that’s not
what I want.

Well, I’ll come back
when you’ve made up
your mind.

Wait a minute.

I have made up my mind.

I’d like $30 million
in government bonds,

$10 million in stock.

Forget
the traveler’s checks.

And the other $4 million
I would like in rolls
of nickels.

We don’t sell
Time Warner stock
for cash.

What do you mean,
you don’t sell stock?

Would you like to
talk to the head
of the department?

Hey, Mac--

Shut up.

You’ve got shares
on the market?

Stock certificates
of some kind?

I don’t make
the rules.

Okay, I’ll make this
as easy for you as I can.

I’d like $30 million
in government bonds,

and the rest in hundreds,
fifties, twenties and nickels.

The Select Service Plan.
Anything else?

Yeah. Now all you have to do
is take $10 million from
my corporate account,

convert it into
Time Warner stock,

have the corporation
sell the stock to me,

I approve the transaction,
I keep the stock,

and you haven’t
broken any rules.

You want me
to liquidate your
corporate stock

so you can
sell it back
to yourself, huh?

I want you to hold it
between your knees.

You see that sign?

I don’t have to
take your smartness
and sarcasm.

You see thissign?

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, David Byrne.

And starring
Woody Harrelson.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Woody Harrelson!

Whoo!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

It’s great to be hosting
Saturday Night Live.

I just saw David Byrne
backstage.

All right!

You know, I don’t know him,
but from what I can tell,

he’s the same as he ever was,
same as he ever was.

Yeah.

You know,
I’m a songwriter myself.

I’ve been writing songs
for years.

I almost gave it up once.
I was kind of blocked,

you know, I couldn’t seem
to find the words
to express myself.

I was very...
frustrated, you know?

But then a friend
gave me this.

It’s called
a Roget’s "Thes-aurus".

All right? Now--

Don’t laugh.
This little book

has made all the difference
in my songwriting.

And that is important to me,

because I make my living
doing comedy,

which means I spend
most of my time
just joking around.

Everything’s "ba-dum-bum",
you know?

So, it’s only in my songs
that I can express
my serious side.

And tonight I’d like
to sing a song

and dedicate it
to a very--

Thank you.

A very special woman
who’s watching right now.

( clicks tongue )
All right?

It’s called...

Pretty Lady.

I like that title.

* Hey, pretty lady *

* Foxy lady *

* Appealing lady *

* Fetching lady *

* Alluring lady *

* Comely lady *

* Pulchritudinous lady *

* Easy-on-the-eye lady *

* Winsome lady *

* Callipygian lady *

* She could’ve been ugly *

* A homely lady *

* Unsightly lady *

* Repulsive lady *

* Revolting lady *

* Unaesthetic lady *

* Face-that-could-
stop-a-clock lady *

* Something-the-cat
drug-in lady *

* But she’s a pretty lady *

* Exquisite lady *

* Stunning lady *

* Oh, pretty lady *

* I love you *

( cheers and applause )

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I’m very appreciative.
I’m grateful.

I’m in your debt, you know?

I’m obliged.

You’re too felicitous,
really.

All right, stick around.
We got a great show.

We’ll be right back.

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
welcome to America’s
stupidest game show...

And here’s your host,
Johnny Johnson!

Thank you.
I’m Johnny Johnson,

and welcome
to Who’s Dumber?

Today is the day
we’ve been waiting for--

the national
championship round
of Who’s Dumber?

As you know, we started
with 10,000 of the dumbest
people in America

at the beginning
of the year.

Today we’ve whittled it
down to two.

So, let’s meet
our two contestants,

who I think we can
truly call the dumbest
people in America.

Hailing from
Miami, Florida,

please welcome
Victoria Jackson!

Victoria, tell the audience
your name and what you do.

My name
is Victoria Jackson,

and I’m currently
playing myself on
Saturday Night Live.

Now, let me ask you--
that dumb thing you do
on that show--

is that just an act?

As far as I know.

Okay.

And, hailing
from Midland, Texas,

please welcome
Woody Harrelson.

Woody, tell the audience
your name and what you do.

I’m Woody Harrelson,
and I’m currently playing Woody

on the television show
Cheers,

and right now I’m hosting
Saturday Night Live.

Congratulations.

Say, are you related
to Bud Harrelson,

the famous Mets
baseball player?

No. Why do you ask?

Well, you both
have the same name.

His name’s Woody?

No, yourname’s Woody.
His name’s Bud.

So, how could we
be related?

Yeah, that’s
a stupid question.

Yeah, who’s
dumber now?

Okay.

Let’s begin the game.

Now, remember--
these are questions

that Woody and Victoria
picked out themselves...

three months ago.

So, they’ve had plenty
of time to do research.

First question is--

what year was
the War of 1812?

What year was
the War of 1812?

( ding )
Victoria.

What?

What?
Huh?

You rang the bell.

Oh. It must’ve been
a mistake.

Oh, so, you don’t
have an answer?

No. If I had an answer,
I would’ve rung the bell,

don’t you think?

( ding )
Woody!

Uh, could you repeat
the question, please?

Of course. What year
was the War of 1812?

What year was
the War of 1812?

Three months’ research.

1812.

( ding )
Woody!

Um...pass.

( ding )
Victoria!

Now, thatwas my bell.

Judges?

( buzz )

Tie! The judges
call it a tie.

So, the score
remains zero.

Let’s move on
to the next question.

And the next
question is--

your skeleton is inside
or outside your body?

Your skeleton is inside
or outside your body?

( ding )
Victoria.

Um...
Inside, Victoria.
Say inside.

Are you sure?
No.

Inside!

That is correct!
Woody gets the point.

But I answered
the question.

Yes, but Woody
gave you the answer?

You could hear that?

Yes, Woody, you both
have on microphones.

And since you gave
Victoria the answer,
you were dumber.

So, you win. Because
this is Who’s Dumber?

( ding )
Victoria!

Woody!
What?

Woody is related
to Woody Allen.

I am?

What are you
talking about?

It was a question
you asked earlier.

Who’s Woody
related to?

( ding )
Woody Allen.

No. No, that question
wasn’t part of the game.

And yet
I answered it.

As did I!

Perhaps we should
change the name
of the show

to Who’s Smarter?

I believe
we both are.

Judges?

The question counts.
And the winner--

( buzz )

Tie! Once again,
a tie.

So, no points count.
Okay...here’s our
final question

for the championship,
worth $100,000.

Woody and Victoria,
you’re both tired
at zero,

so whoever gets
this question wins.

And remember--
the two of you
picked this question.

Listen carefully,
as it is a two-part
question.

An electric train is
traveling from New York
to Los Angeles.

The distance between
those two cities
is 3,000 miles,

and the train
is traveling at
1,000 miles per hour.

How long will
the trip take,

and what direction
will the smoke travel
from the train?

( ding )
Victoria!

It’s an electric train.
It doesn’t have smoke.

Very good!
That’s one point.

And how long
will it take the train
to reach Los Angeles?

Okay. 5 1/2 hours...

because trains
always start late

and they have
to stop for gas

and people to go
to the bathroom,

and, frankly, I don’t think
a train could go that fast.

Well, we’re all glad
you’re thinking.

Woody, you can now
tie or win.

This is so easy.

Okay, the train
would take three hours
to reach Los Angeles.

That is correct!
One point!

And the smoke
travels east.

Oh. Judges?

( buzz )
Woody wins!

Wait a minute!
That’s not fair!

That’s not fair.
We both had one point.

But he’s hosting our show.

Victoria, really,
you never had a chance.

So, what about
the money?

Woody, there never
was any money.

Anyway, join us next week
on Who’s Dumber?

I’m Johnny Johnson!
Good night, everybody!

*

*

* On the lonesome trail *

* A cowboy’s thoughts
will wander *

* When he’s sittin’
in the saddle *

* And he’s lookin’
at the cattle *

* From behind *

* You can see
their brown eyes blinkin’ *

* And you swear sometimes
they’re winkin’ *

* On the lonesome trail,
the thought does
cross your mind *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

* And the horse
gets more attractive *

* By the campfire *

* And the cook
is awful dirty *

* But his mouth
is awful purty *

* When he yawns *

* There’s a woodchuck
in my bedroll *

* And it kind of
makes my head roll *

* On the lonesome trail,
you tend to ramble on *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

* Got a sweetheart
in El Paso waitin’ for me *

* El Paso *
* El Paso *

* And she’s decent
and she’s gentle *

* And she’s sweet
and sentimental *

* To the core *

* To the core *
* To the core *

* And she says
we’ll marry one day *

* And I’m seein’ her
come Sunday *

* But before I do,
I think I’ll see a whore *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

* Ti-yi-yippee-yi-yo-ki-ay *

* We’re three
very lonesome cowboys *

( whooping )

*

Hey, you want to dance?
Okay!

( laughter )

Oh, we were dancing.

Yes, we were.
We were dancing.

Welcome.
Hi.

I’m Linda Dano.
And I’m Dee Kelly.

Welcome to Attitudes.
Yes, we’re here.

Yes. We are.
Yes.

We were talking
to the audience
before the show

because we always
like to do that,
don’t we?

Because we like
to get to know
the audience, right?

And we found out
we have a set of twins
in the audience.

Twins? Yes. Ha ha!
Yeah.

Yeah, and even
though they live
in different cities,

they always know how
the other one feels.

I mean, it’s almost like
they can communicate
without talking.

I can do that.
I can do that.
I’m Italian.

We use our hands.

( laughter )

Well, you know,
I’ll bet we could
communicate

without talking,
you and I.

Right, okay.
What am I thinking?

You’re hungry.

Oh, that was
a sucker, bozo.

That was easy.
Okay.

So, what kind of
a show are we
gonna have?

We are going to have
a wonderful show.

Now, our guest today
is an example

of what a person can do

when they put
their mind...

And hands together
to work.

Together.

Will you welcome,
please...

BOTH: Paul Tinso.

Paul Tinso, welcome!

( indistinct chatter )

Sit, sit, sit, sit,
sit, sit, sit.

Welcome
to Attitudes.

Welcome, Paul Tinso.

Hello, Paul. Hi.

Now, Paul,
you have made something

that the world has just
fallen in love with.

Head over heels.

Tell us what it is
that you make.

I make, uh--
I may clay miniatures.

And it’s knocking
our socks off.

Mmm!
Yeah.

Now, um, how did
all of this evolve?

Mm-hmm, yeah,
tell us.

Well, I was working--
I was tired of working
for other people,

so I wanted to be
my own man.

Right.
Yeah, yeah.

I decided to make
something I could sell.

Yes. Of course,
right, yeah.

And once I had made
that decision,

I had an even
bigger decision--

what to make.

Oh.
What to make.

That is a big
decision--
what to make.

And then
a friend of mine

turned me on to clay.

And the rest
is history.

Now, can you show us
what it is that you make?

Let us see it.
We want to see it.

We’d like that,
wouldn’t we?

Open it up.
Let’s do it.

Oh!
Ooh.

Oh, look! It’s
so much stuff!
Unbelievable!

And so tiny,
tiny, tiny.

Yeah. Tiny, tiny foods.
Tiny foods.

Are we getting
these?

Can we get this,
please?

Why so small?

Uh, well, originally,
I made clay pieces

that were larger
than actual size,

and these were
the samples.

But when I showed
the display to my clients,

they liked these better.

Now, you had
an interesting theory

on why they liked,
you know, the small ones.

Yeah, he did.

Yes, I think it’s because
small things are cuter.

Yes! That is true!
It is true!

Puppies are a lot
cuter than dogs.

Babies are cute.
Little soaps
in hotels.

They’re just
little people.

I don’t know why
we feel that way.

I don’t know!

I’d make them
smaller if I could.

Now, can we see one
of these up close?

Well, you kind of have to
to appreciate it.

Oh, please, yeah.

Are we seeing that?

Oh, do you see--

do you see that?

Isn’t that great?

Yeah.

Could I--
Could I hold it, please?

Uh, sure.
Uh, careful.

Okay. Oh,
this is so neat.

It’s a little waffle.

Good eye. A lot of people
think it’s toast.

Yeah. They do.

Let me ask
a question here.

How do you make
the syrup?

Hmm, how do you do that?

Uh, well, actually,
I use glue.

It’s the clear
brown kind.

You’d be amazed what
glue can look like.

Yeah, yeah.

Gravy, honey.

Creative stuff.
Yeah.

Yes.
Yeah.

Beef broth.

Look at this.
It’s a hot dog.
Can you see?

Oh, yeah, that’s--
that’s a foot-long.

Look at that.

A foot-long
hot dog, yeah.

Now, could we--
could I just ask--

what kinds of hands
make these tiny,
delicate creations?

Could we--
Could we see your hands?

I’m serious.

Okay. Beautiful.
Oh, yeah.

Are we getting this?
Can you see these?

Look at this. Do you see?

Now, these are not
small hands.

These are the hands
of a big, big man.

You know? Yeah.

So, these hands made
this little plate--

all of these
little things.

That’s--That’s--
That’s salmon.

Pick it up,
pick it up.

That’s salmon,
baked potato and peas.

You know, a balanced meal--

a balanced meal
is very important, isn’t it?

I vary these.
Sometimes I make salmon
with peas and rice.

Oh.
Rice. Rice.

How do you--

How long
does it take you
to make rice?

A long time. Um...
it’s almost not worth it.

Now, I see some
desserts here.
May I?

What is this,
a tort?

I’m gonna take a--
Oh. Oh, yes.

Look at that. It’s
a chocolate tart.

Yes, it is.

Now, what would we,
as laypeople,

do with these
little things?

How do we use them?
Like in a dollhouse,

or give them magnets
and put them on refrigerators?

Party favors?

Or little pins and jewelry
package decorations?

Those are all
good suggestions.

You mind if I
jot these down?

Hey, get this one.
Earrings.

Finally, I’m
wearing my desserts

someplace other
than my thighs.

( laughter )

What was the magnet
thing you said?

Oh, right--
refrigerator magnet, yeah.

Paul Tinso,
thank you for sharing

your miniature vision
with us.

A tiny achievement.
A big future. Yes.

What an eye-opener.

Isn’t it? Yeah.

Now, what about
tomorrow’s show?

Tomorrow, Lena Horne’s
coming down

to make bread puddin’!

Oh! I’m gonna eat!
Ha ha ha ha!

Save some for me!
I will!

*

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Good evening.
And what can I tell you?

It was Lech Walesa week
in the United States.

He conquered Washington,
then New York,

and today he hit Chicago,

where NBC
filed this report.

NEWSCASTER: A relaxed
and playful Walesa

clearly relished
the ceremonies of the day.

At the Polish-American
Congress,

a Walesa-style
goodwill greeting.

Given a second chance,
he did it again.

Afterwards, Walesa admitted
that his first name

is really pronounced
"Letch".

And Philippine
President Aquino

visited the White House
last week,

and, in her honor,
President Bush dressed up
as a pineapple.

Wonder if Bob Dole
put him up to it.

Well, the, um--

the White House had its
Thanksgiving ceremony
this week.

Do you think all the turkeys
who survive Thanksgiving

get together the next day
and have a celebration
called Thanksgiving?

And look at the loose
neck skin on that thing.

And the turkey, too.
You know--

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

This headline appeared
in the Los Angeles Times
last week...

Actually, condoms
and the Palestinian Homeland
are a lot alike.

You can never find one
when you need one.

( laughs )

The 63rd Annual Macy’s
Thanksgiving Day Parade

takes place this Thursday.

This year, Santa Claus
will be played

by convicted Wall Street
wizard Ivan Boesky.

Santa’s Christmas message
this year is,

"Ticonderoga Steel is ripe.
A little elf told me."

Gobel, Gobel, Gobel.

And the CBS news program
Saturday Night with
Connie Chung--

suffering low ratings
and harsh criticism

for its regular use
of reenactments
of news stories--

might now be ready
to stop using

the aforementioned
recreations.

This week
at a press conference,

Connie Chung herself
made the announcement.

Hi, I’m Connie Chung.

We will not do any more
recreations.

You know, uh--

Connie looks great.
I think Maury’s
really good for her.

300,000 East Germans
were arrested this week
en masse in West Germany

for public drunkenness

as they celebrated
the dissolution of
the Berlin Wall.

All 300,000
are now in prison,

and a spokesman
for the group said,

"We don’t like freedom.
It’s too confining."

Gable, Gable, Gable.

And the long-running
Broadway hit Cats

will soon be making
its 3,000th performance,

and, to commemorate
the event,

the theater will
change its name to
the Winter Garden Litter box.

This week, Ringo Starr
won a court order in Atlanta

barring the release
of a solo album he made

while, quote,
"under the influence".

Arista Record execs
fear this precedent
may force a recall

of the entire
Grateful Dead catalogue.

Goebbels, Goebbels, Goebbels.

And East German leader
Egon Krenz

greets East German
Prime Minister Hans Modrow
yesterday

after Modrow delivered
a speech to the East German
Parliament.

A bystander overheard
the two men talking

and reported that Krenz said,
"We are both East Germans,

and yet your head
is so different from mine."

The President of South Africa,
F.W. de Klerk,

on Thursday opened
that country’s beaches
to black bathers

for the first time
in history.

15 minutes later,
immediately after
thousands of blacks

began swimming
out in the ocean,

de Klerk once again
closed the beaches.

Gamble, gamble, gamble.

West Berliners released
hundreds of balloons yesterday

with a photo
of Mikhail Gorbachev

as a gesture of thanks
for pulling down the wall.

Imagine the poor bastard
whose job it is

to paint the red spot
on the balloons,

so when you blow them up,
Gorby has a birthmark.

And, to maintain some semblance
of order in Berlin,

it was announced this week
that the wall will be replaced
by a beaded curtain.

The National
Stuttering Project--

protesting the portrayal
of stuttering in the film
A Fish Called Wanda--

has received
a contribution of $2,500
from MGM/United Artists.

The payment was made
in small amounts
at irregular intervals.

Here we see General Electric

putting up the Christmas crane
in Rockefeller Center
yesterday.

They used this old tree
they were about to throw out

to brace the crane
until they could get it
securely anchored.

Gumbel, Gumbel, Gumbel.

And this is
an artist’s conception

of a 500-story building
planned by a Japanese company

to be built in Tokyo Bay--

nearly five times as tall
as the Sears Tower in Chicago.

Boy, those Japanese
really have building envy,
don’t they?

Gullible, gullible, gullible.

And in the Weekend Update
mailbag this week,

I received this photograph
of the Arkansas Mountain Home
High School German class

visiting the Berlin wall,

where they left a memento
for all to see.

Yeah, we made the wall,
you know?

I’d like to think
that when East Berliners
leave the country,

they say to the border guards,
"I’m outta here,"

but I know in my heart
they’re probably saying,
"Isn’t that special?"

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

( yodeling )

Welcome to...

The informative
training program

for the serious
weightlifter.

BOTH: All right, welcome.
We’re back.

Ja,once again.

Ja.All right.

All right.
Ja,all right.

I am Hans.
And I am Franz.

And we just want
to pump...you up!

All right,
before we begin,

Hans and I would like
to take the time

to wish you
and your loved ones
a happy Thanksgiving.

Ja,and to remind you,
you know,

that it’s not an excuse
to stuff your face

like the fat pig
losers you are!

All right, all right.
Enough talk.

We have a little
surprise tonight.

As you know,
the Berlin Wall
was taken down.

So, to celebrate--

That’s right. Ja.
That’s right.

To celebrate,
we are taking down
ourwall.

That’s right--
our wall of discipline.

Tonight we will show you
pathetic girlie men

a way to skip
the workout

and go right to
the pump-itude.

How? How,
you may ask?

Simple.
Simple.

Liposuction.
Liposuction.

At this time, let us
present to you

the Hoover Heidemann
Liposuction

model 78154
Flab-o-suction machine.

This is the most
powerful Flab-o-suction
machine

in the free world.

Ja.You can suck
the love handles
off a girlie man

in three seconds.

From 35 meters,

it can convert
an elephant into
a dachshund.

And not a regular
dachshund.

A dachshund that
never forgets.

Well, you know,
you get the point.

Ja,enough
obscure imagery.

We’re not here to
paint obscure imagery.
We’re here to...

suck you out!
Suck you out!

All right, we will
Flab-o-suck someone

we think you
might recognize.

Please welcome
our good friend
Roseanne Barr.

All right. Ja.

Hi, Hans. Hi, Franz.
Hey, everybody.

Hello, Roseanne.
How are you?
How are you doing?

Well, it’s really great
to be here and all that crap
and everything.

So, like, you know,
the only time I get
to see muscles, you know,

is, like, on the menu
under "Appetizers".

That’s funny.
Ja,that’s
a funny one.

Ja,funny.

Hey, want to see
my new tattoo?

I got it just for this show.
It’s really cute.

I don’t know.

It says "I ’heart’
Hans and Franz". Ha!

Are you ready for
your Flab-o-suction
treatment?

Oh, yeah, I’m real excited.
I get to get all naked
and everything, right?

Ja,good.
Then it’s time
to suck your buttocks.

Okay. Oh--

Get behind the
privacy curtain.

After you can suck my flab,
you think you can
vacuum my floors? Ha!

That’s funny.
That’s funny.

That’s a funny one. Ja.

All right.

Voltage on Flab-o-meter
reads 8.12.

Ja,check.

Suction valve secure?
Check.

Insert tubes?
Sterilized.

Hey, stop when you
get to my breasts.

I like them
the way they are.

All right, okay.

She’s good and ready
for sucking, Hans.

Very good. Commence
Flab-o-suction
on level 10.

Level 10?
Are you sure?

Ja, ja.
This is a big job

now that I get
a good look at it.

All right.
Level 10 it is.

All right, Franz.
Put it on computer
control.

All right, all right.
Got it, now it’s working.

Ja, ja.
That’s good.

Suction machine
is working nice.

Ja,it’s
coming out nice.

Look at that.
That’s good.

That’s a good
return for us.

ROSEANNE: Hey, that fat
looks kind of good.

It’s making me hungry.

That’s right.
Hey, take a look,
girlie man.

That is you
in liquid form.

All right,
that’s nice.

Yeah, all right.
All right.

Now we have a minute,
we’d like to discuss

the merits
of Flab-o-suction.

Ja.While it can
efficiently prevent
a flab-alanche,

it is by no means
a shortcut to
pump-itude.

Ja.That’s right,
you know.

So, just be
aware of that.

You know, you’ve got
to be aware

and ready to pump
all the time.

Suck-itude
is no substitute
for pump-itude.

That’s right.

ROSEANNE:
Hey, guys!

Hey!

That’s right.

( shouts indistinctly )

( shouts in German )

ROSEANNE: Hey! Hey,
something’s not right here.

Hans, it is--

( overlapping shouts )

Run for your lives!

It’s a nightmare!

Turn off the machine!
Turn off the machine!

Oh, gross!

Looks like King Kong
popped a zit.

All right. That’s
enough for tonight.

Until next week,
I am Hans.
And I am Franz.

And I am a svelte
domestic goddess.
Ja.

And we just want to suck...
you out!

This has been...

Hi.
Hi.

You here for the dollar
education course?

Yeah.
Me, too.

These are good classes.

Yeah, yeah, it’s good.
Helps you learn.

Yeah, yeah, it does.

Just, uh--

Yeah.

So, you, uh--
you work for
the phone company?

Huh? What? No.

Oh, I just thought--
you know, you have
an envelope there

that says
"phone company" on it.

I thought maybe
you worked for them.

No, this is
my phone bill.

Oh, right.
Sure, of course.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You a marathon runner?

What do you mean?

I just saw your shoe.

I thought that, uh--

Oh. Heh. You mean
these sneakers?
Yeah.

No, no, they’re
just comfortable.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, you look like
you’re in good shape.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I just
walk in them, yeah.

Yeah.

You a cowboy?

No. Why do you ask?

I just noticed
the dungarees,
you know?

Oh, no, no.
These are just blue jeans.

Just regular
old blue jeans.

Sure, I’m--

I got some of those
myself.

Oh.

Are you a cowboy?

Oh, no, no.
It’s the same
thing as you.

Right. Casual, right.

Right.

You play for the Mets?

What do you mean?

Uh--
Oh, the shirt?

Yeah, yeah.
No, you can buy these.
Anybody can.

( chuckles )
I didn’t know.

So, I guess you’re
from Switzerland?

Huh? No, no.

Oh, I’m sorry.
Did you think that

because of the watch--

Oh, no, actually,
it was the chocolate bar
in your pocket.

Oh.

It’s a Hershey’s
chocolate bar.

No, that’s from
Hershey, Pennsylvania.

Oh, so you’re
from Pennsylvania?

No, I’m from New York.

Oh. Well, of course.
You play for the Mets.

No, that’s you.

Oh, right.
No, but I don’t.
Right.

Anyone can--
Right, right.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Did you just take a tour
of an orange grove?

What?

Oh, I just thought

that maybe you took
a tour of an orange grove,

and they gave you that
as a sample.

No.
No.

Good evening, and welcome to
Recognizing Poisonous Snakes.

I hope you’ll find
the class enlightening

as well as enjoyable.

Before I begin,
do you have any questions?

Yes.

Are you a shepherd?

No. Why do you ask?

Forget it.

I was gonna ask
the same thing.

Okay, open to page 25.

We’ll see some colored
plates of snakes.

( gunfire )

Nurse?

Doctor.

Doctor.

He said, "Nurse."

What’s up, Doc?

How are you
feeling, Private?

Like I just stepped
on a landmine.

That’s because you did.

What’s the damage?

Well, you lost a leg.

Ohh.

But that’s
the worst of it.

My ears are
still ringing.

Any questions I might
be able to answer?

Yeah, I’m having
a little trouble

moving my
left arm, Doc.

That’s because
it’s gone, Private.

But you said the leg
was the worst of it.

Well, it is.
A leg is bigger
than an arm.

A leg keeps you up,
lets you walk
and kick things.

An arm--An arm
is just for clapping,

and there’s
no clapping out here,
there’s no entertainment.

So, the leg
and the arm

are the very
worst of it?

I would say the leg
is the worst of it.

Oh. Doctor,
what about...

the rest of me?

I still say the leg.

The leg lets you
sneak up on an enemy.

You can tiptoe--
things like that.

I can’t feel anything
below my neck, Doc.

That’s because it’s gone,
Private, it’s all gone.

It’s just blown
clear away.

You’re a mighty lucky man
to still be alive.

You mean I’m...
just a head?

Well, sort of.
You’re also missing
the back of your head.

Ohh. So...

I’m just a face,
more or less?

Yes, more or less,
Private.

Oh, that’s not good.

No, it’s not,
but I’m still
sticking with the leg.

You know, I’ve always
been a big leg man.

You ever see the stems
on Betty Grable? Ohh.

Ohh, God.

Cigarette?

Sure.

Light?

Yeah.

Hold it for you?

No.

Yeah, all right.
All right.

What about the rest
of the platoon?

Monahan?
Dead.

Douglas?
Dead.

Murphy?
Dead.

Hartford?
Connecticut.

Garrett?
Dead.

Hollywood?
California.

Went back yesterday.

Well, I’m gonna make
the rounds, Private.

If you need anything,
just get up and--

Oh.

If you need anything,
just whistle.

Thanks, Doc.

How are you
feeling, soldier?

I know things
look pretty bleak,

but believe me,
they could be
a lot worse.

And now...

Tarzan thankful
for many thing--

for vine that not break,

for stick that not snake,

for crocodile-free lake,

for Jane coconut cake.

Tonto thankful for
reduction of tension

between Soviet Bloc

and industrialized
free market economies
of West.

Also for growing
awareness

of fragility of
Amazon Basin ecosystem.

Also for vigorous,
healthy and varied
sex life.

( grunting )

Frankenstein
thankful for?

Fire!

Frankenstein
not thankful for fire.

Frankenstein fear fire.

Bad!

This has been...

*

I’d like to thank
David Byrne, the band.

Thank you for coming.
Party at my place.

Everybody be there.

Thanks for coming!