Original subtitles

SPORTSCASTER: And there it is--

game, set and match.

And Wimbledon goes to Martina Navratilova.

And, for Chris Evert, a tough defeat,

but, as always, she takes it like the elegant champion that she is.

Remarkably composed as always,

even after blowing the championship.

And now here comes the Duke and Duchess of Kent

to present the trophies and greet the two competitors.

Let’s listen in as they speak to Chris.

Hello, that was really quite good, what you did.

I especially like it when the ball is hit at the net.

Wonderful. Thank you very much.

Such fun, really. Delightful fun. Delightful.

Well, anyway, this is the Duke.

Hello, I’m the Duke. It was a good match.

Oh, thank you.

You seemed to blow it very badly.

Very badly indeed.

Yes, wonderful. So...you should speak more.

I think you should.

Well, I can’t emphasize enough

about the part where you hit the net.

Thank you. I’m honored to speak with you.

Delightful.

Sorry about how you did it.

Thank you.

Yes. Well, good-bye. Good-bye.

Oh, my. The Duke and Duchess-- keep in mind--

they are the product-- like so many of our Royal Family members--

of generations of inbreeding.

But Chris Evert--gracious, patiently tolerating the inane exchange--

always classy, always collected--

a great champion, even today,

after humiliating herself on Centre Court.

And there she goes. It’s simply remarkable.

Chris Evert-- shining brightly,

shining brightly through it all.

Now let’s go down to Bud Collins

with the champion and the loser.

I just forgot about the first set.

The second set, I played really well.

And the third set, I was playing also.

I was up a break, and my serve was shaky that game.

And the crucial game was when I lost my serve.

And from then on, it was curtains.

It was curtains. Right.

You’re a great champion. Thank you very much.

Martina, I suppose the thought that went through everybody’s mind...

Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! I can’t--

( sobbing ) Damn it.

Why?! Why me?! Why me?! Why me?!

Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! Why?

( shouting indistinctly )

I can’t play anymore!

You! You! You suck!

I don’t know.

I knew that I could break her serve anytime.

It was easier for me to break her serve

than for her to break my serve, I figured,

so I just that I had to hold my serve.

And once I broke her serve...

( screaming )

Damn it!

Damn it!

Uhh!

Hello! Hello?

Oh, my God! It’s the Queen!

Oh, your Highness! Your Majesty!

No, no, no. I’m so sorry about this.

No, no, please, just tell me quickly--

where is the loo?

It’s over there. The stalls are over there.

It was nice meeting you. Oh, nice--

Nice meeting you. Oh...whew! That was close.

Ooh! Where is the loo?!

Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Eurythmics.

And starring Chris Evert.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Evert!

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

It’s great to be here.

I know it may seem strange to some of you that I’m hosting this show,

but if you think about it,

Saturday Night Live and tennis are not all that different.

Both require talent and concentration,

both are done in front of a live audience,

and both peaked in popularity in the late ’70s.

Oh, maybe one more thing.

In both tennis and Saturday Night Live,

lots of people you don’t remember

call up asking for more tickets.

In my tennis career, I’ve known both victory and defeat,

but I say doing comedy is easier,

because when a joke fails,

at least you don’t have a bunch of people laughing at you.

Like--Like right now, for example.

Well, they can’t all be aces.

Life goes on. We’re here to have fun.

There’s some great music with the Eurythmics.

So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

*

Chris, you were so great!

Oh, thank you, Victoria.

Yeah, you looked really good out there.

Sure, thanks. Honestly.

Thanks, thanks.

Damn it! Oh, damn it!

Damn it! Damn it!

I blew it!

I can’t be funny! I tried to be funny!

My one chance! Oh!

ANNOUNCER: Hold it.

Is that what you’re having for breakfast?

Sure. Haven’t you heard?

Fiber is really good for you.

Well, there’s fiber...

and then there’s high-fiber.

Try this.

Mmm. Colon Blow.

Sounds delicious.

But is it really higher in fiber

than my Oat Bran cereal?

Take a guess. How many bowls of your Oat Bran cereal

would it take to equal the fiber content

of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Two. Guess again.

Three. A little higher.

Four? Keep trying.

Five.

No, you’ll have to do better than that.

Seven? Guess again.

Eight?

We’ll give you one more guess.

Nine. Not even close.

It would take over 30,000 bowls.

Whoa! To eat that much oat bran...

you’d have to eat ten bowls a day,

every day, for 8 1/2 years.

Wow! I think I get the picture!

Colon Blow must be the highest-fiber cereal on the market!

Not anymore...now that there’s new Super Colon Blow.

Super Colon Blow?

Whoa! It would take over 2 1/2 million bowls

of your Oat Bran cereal

to equal the fiber content of one bowl of Super Colon Blow.

I’m convinced.

* Colon Blow and you-ou-ou-ou *

* In the morning *

Colon Blow and new Super Colon Blow.

Warning--may cause abdominal distention.

Consult a physician.

We interrupt this program for a special address

from the President of the United States.

Good evening--

or should I say Guten Morgen.

Almost dawn here in Berlin.

People behind me doing that freedom thing--

dancing, standing around up there,

talking to each other.

Party on, you freedom fighters.

Some standing on top of the wall,

some standing on the ground,

some wanting to get up on the wall.

Not enough room.

Guy up there with a pickax,

doing that thing,

going up and down, going round and round up there,

breaking that wall that separated a people.

Not anymore.

Many Presidents tried to get that wall down.

Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful.

And, of course, 3 1/2 months ago,

I had an idea, made a little speech.

And I quote the Washington Post,

July 18, 1989, right here.

"’Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,’ said Bush."

( chuckling )

Does that make me a great President?

Am I an Abraham Lincoln up here?

( chuckling )

Too early to tell. Not enough information.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

But the facts remain--

before Bush--wall.

With Bush--no wall.

Kind of makes you wonder what else I can achieve.

Many issues lie ahead.

Reunification of Germany.

That big country coming together like it does.

Scary. Sure, they’re a frightening people.

Got that track record of theirs.

Sword of Siegfried coming at you.

But this time, unification under democracy.

Chancellor Helmut Kohl-- good friend of mine.

Worked closely with him.

Bar and I broke bread with the man.

Not a Hitler.

Hitler was bad. Bad!

Kohl--good!

Egon Krenz--don’t know him.

So, to sum up-- Krenz--don’t know him.

Hitler--bad!

Kohl--good!

Dan Quayle-- still gaining acceptance.

The wall--coming down.

Me--enthusiastic but prudent.

Out in front of the situation.

Not too far. Playing it just right.

Before Bush--wall.

With Bush--wall obliterated.

Place in history secure.

Bye.

This has been the President of the United States.

*

Yeah, you’re gonna love it.

It’s 15 acres, right on the river.

Come with a barn. And the price is very fair.

Okay, great. Tomorrow at 3:30, then. Bye.

Your 2:00 just called and canceled, Chris. Oh, really?

Forget it. People cancel all the time.

Oh, sure, I know.

There’s some pressure in this job,

but, hey, I bet it’s nothing compared to the U.S. Open.

Tell me about it. No, this is a huge relief.

I don’t miss that life at all.

Everybody, in case you didn’t meet her yesterday,

we have a new agent joining us.

Hello, Chris! Martina?!

This is gonna be fun, eh?

Aren’t you playing tennis anymore?

No, I quit. I got really bored after you left.

I really miss the competition.

Well, I just wanted a fresh start.

How many houses have you sold?

Well, this week, I sold two.

Two this week? I sold four yesterday.

Well, that’s great, Martina,

but I’m going at my own pace.

Well, you’d better get cracking, Chris.

Only one employee can win the Hawaiian vacation.

I don’t really care, Martina.

Oh, I get it. You’re trying to psych me out.

No, Martina.

Well, may the best man win, Chris.

( ring )

Galaxy Real Estate. Martina speaking. How may I help you?

These are really nice.

Let me see. I’ll take a dozen.

Great. Let me put those in a bag for you.

Okay.

Wait a minute! How about these?

Martina?!

Yeah! Isn’t it great?

I bought the farm across the road.

Well, what about real estate?

Oh, it got so boring after you left.

There was really no competition.

Wow! Look at the size of this tomato!

Yes, my coach has been watering the topsoil

four times a day.

I like yours. Make it two dozen.

All right. Sorry, Chris.

You’re gonna have to work a lot harder

if you want to win at the tomato game.

It’s not a game, Martina.

Yeah, sure it isn’t.

Four days, huh? Oh, yeah!

*

* Circles in my mind *

* All spinning round and round *

* Making *

* Love you *

( rock ’n’ roll riff playing )

* Anger is no way to be *

* Everyone has their destiny *

* So, drop your bags, grab your chance *

* Everybody here is gonna dance *

* So, come on *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

*

Oh, this is so nice.

Hello, Chris!

Oh, no!

Hey. You took the sissy way up.

I climbed up right through the middle.

Listen, Martina, I think we have to talk.

You can’t psych me out, Chris.

Look, I don’t want to psych you out.

I came here to get away from that.

You’re never gonna beat me with this attitude, Chris.

Maybe you should change coaches.

Is any of this getting through to you?

I don’t have a coach.

Look, I competed with you for 15 years.

I’m tired of it. There’s a lot more to life than tennis.

Don’t you know that yet?

I just see that you’re jealous!

Oh, the hell with it!

Ohhhhhhh!

Wasn’t that incredible, Chris?

Come on! You try it!

Chris! Chris!

*

Once again, I’d like to offer my condolences.

Your mother was a truly remarkable woman.

Yes, she was.

There will never be another like her.

Mother and I had our differences,

but I’d like to think that in the end,

deep down, she loved me very much.

Yes, yes.

Well...

Miss Davis was a very thorough woman.

About a year ago,

she sent me a videotape of her last will and testament,

and no one has seen it until now.

You mean we’re actually going to see our mother?

Yes.

Now, this can be very upsetting.

Will you be all right?

We’ll be fine. Go ahead.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Bette Davis.

Hello, Michael. Hello, B.D.

If you’re watching this, it means I’ve kicked the bucket,

and you are with that oily lawyer.

He tells me I’m worth a lot of money.

Well, I don’t care!

The only thing more trouble than money is a man.

And the only thing more trouble than a man

was John Barrymore.

1931!

Howard Hawkes was throwing a party for Edna Ferber.

I arrived late, and everyone was in the pool.

Well, the day before, Jack Warner had given me a hat.

You see, we had been at the lounge in the Roosevelt Hotel,

and he had lost a bet that Preston Sturges

could hold more cashews in his mouth than me.

Well, John Barrymore saw this hat

and decided then and there that he did not like it one bit.

I had just finished The Old Maid a week before,

and it was a dreadful picture!

The woman who did my hair was stealing cigarettes from my purse...

Is there any way we could, you know, fast-forward?

Yes, to the part about the estate.

All right. I don’t see why not.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me!

I had no intention...

of making the picture unless Harry Ritz apologized.

I mean, those were perfectly good shoes...

Could you scan a little further?

Just scan a little further.

All right.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me!

And nobody--

nobody could make a waffle like Bert Lahr!

Now--

Me-me-me-me-me--

We might not need to scan.

Yes, that’s a good idea.

Why don’t you just fast-forward?

Whew! Remarkable woman.

Yes, very.

She’s seen so much.

Let’s check it now.

And Ronald Colman...

had sent me a dead owl!

What happened?

Must be the end of tape one.

Tape one?!

Here we go.

Welcome to tape two!

Wallace Beery...

was in the thick of it.

And that’s when I knew--

Me-me-me-me-me-me-meme--

Wait, what’s-- what’s that?

Oh, this is a scene from Dark Victory.

This was just edited in to make some point.

Lord, I hate that woman.

Me-me-me-me-me--

Oh, I think we’ve gone too far.

Well, I fell out of my chair.

But...

it’s just as well,

because I just remembered--

the whole point of making this film

is to give away my money!

This is it. Be quiet, be quiet.

Now, let me see.

Michael...

you get everything.

Barbara...

you get nothing!

Because you wrote a nasty tell-all book

and I want you to have a bad life!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I get nothing? This just can’t be right.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I’ve seen enough. I don’t need to see anymore.

Barbara, there may be some specifics--

Forget it, forget it.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Have you got anything to eat?

Yeah, I have some Milk Duds.

Great.

( laughter continues )

You want me to scan this part?

No, this is fine.

Man, she’s good.

Yes. Remarkable woman.

( laughter continues )

*

ANNOUNCER: And now, Weekend Update,

with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening. And what can I tell you?

A momentous occasion this week

when East Germany announced that the Berlin Wall was coming down.

But, even with the happiest of news,

there’s always a naysayer.

In this case, it’s a group calling itself East Germans for Handball,

who have lodged an official complaint against the move.

Joyful West Berliners tore down a section of the wall

and discovered a time capsule.

Among the contents was a shoe belonging to Khrushchev,

a wristwatch worn by Yuri Gagarin,

and a woman who dated President Kennedy.

Although the wall will come down,

Checkpoint Charlie will remain,

but it’s already been changed into a four-hour photo service.

And, closer to home, hundreds of thousands of Virginians

poured into West Virginia

as Governor-elect Douglas Wilder

opened the border between the two states.

Wide-eyed Virginians visited relatives

and jammed the McDonald’s in Wheeling.

The wall will be replaced by a new shopping center

called the Berlin Mall.

And what are the odds on losing the Berlin Wall

and Irving Berlin in the same year?

East German state party leaders met this week in Berlin

and awaited the imminent installation

of a urinal in the Berlin Politburo.

Chinese Senior Leader Deng Xiaoping

resigned this week as Chairman

of the powerful Central Military Commission.

When asked how he plans to spend his retirement,

Deng said he likes to raise tomatoes

and then cut them down in the prime of their life.

Little Jessica McClure-- the Texas toddler

who captured the nation’s attention

when she was rescued after 58 hours in an abandoned well--

visited President Bush at the White House last week.

Immediately after this photo was taken,

she unfortunately fell down the President’s pant leg

and is currently lodged somewhere near his right cuff.

And now it’s time for Anno--

Annoying Man.

( whining )

( continues whining )

I was walking down the street

going to buy some milk--

Cut it out! Cut it out!

When I realized I didn’t have any change.

So, I had to go to the bank--

Don’t! Don’t!

And they’d just been robbed.

So, then I had to go to my mother’s.

Leave that lone!

Aaaah!

My mother wasn’t home,

so then I went to my friend David’s--

Give me the pencil. Give me the--

And then I went-- Then I--

Damn it!

Damn it.

Don’t do that. Don’t. Don’t do that.

( grunting )

Don’t do that.

Leave my hair alone. Leave my hair alone.

( muttering )

Shut up!

( British accent ) You don’t have to yell.

Annoying Man, everyone. God, he is so annoying.

I don’t know why I even let you--

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Republican Rudolph Giuliani

lost New York City’s mayoral election to David Dinkins Tuesday,

despite Giuliani’s appeal to middle-class voters,

his record as a Federal prosecutor,

and his brief career as Hill Street’s Captain Frank Furillo.

At his concession speech this week,

an unrepentant Rudy Giuliani dared his opponents

to throw Raisinets and Goobers down his open throat.

You know, it’s no coincidence

that New York Mayor-elect David Dinkins,

Virginia Governor-elect Doug Wilder,

and Detroit Mayor-elect Coleman Young all resemble each other.

They’re all played by the same actor--

David White, who played Larry Tate

on the old Bewitched TV show.

( laughs )

The Coca-Cola Company this week

said it will give $50 million to educational charities over the next ten years,

with an aim to make education its philanthropic focus for the ’90s.

Once stipulation of the grant program

was that none of the $50 million

will go to the study of proper nutrition.

Pope John Paul announced this week

that he’s wearing a new hat.

He said, "Unfortunately, when I wear the bigger

"fencepost, hole-digger hat,

"people keep turning me upside-down

and working my little Pope legs together."

You know, four new X-rated films

were released on videocassette this week,

and, with his review, is Weekend Update’s Kevin Nealon.

Hello, Kevin.

Hey, Dennis. Thank you.

Thank you. First...

Wanda Whips Wall Street,

starring Samantha Fox and Veronica Hart.

I liked the production values.

I found myself getting interested in the movie right away.

Then more interested.

Very interested. Veryinterested.

Then suddenly I lost interest.

Next...

To Live and Shave in L.A.

Trinity Loren and Brittany Bardot.

Very attractive. Interested right away.

Interested. Interested. Interested.

Very interesting. Very interesting.

Then suddenly I lost interest.

I left the room with the cassette running,

came back in a half hour, got interested again.

Interested. Interested. Interested.

Interested. Interested.

Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly not interested.

Now, Heavy Into Jeff--

an all-male film.

I have to admit I was not exactly looking forward to watching this.

I’d say that, starting out, I was skeptical.

Skeptical. Skeptical.

Somewhat interested. Interested.

Interested. Very interested.

Then suddenly I lost interest.

Then ashamed. Ashamed. Confused. Depressed.

Confused. Ashamed. Interested. Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly lost interest.

And finally, Genital Hospital,

with Seka and Shauna Grant.

I started watching this,

and I really couldn’t get into it.

So, I went back to Heavy Into Jeff.

Interested. Interested. Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly lost interest, and then I went to sleep.

Dennis?

Thank you, Kevin.

Gimme an "S"!

AUDIENCE: "S"!

Just felt like I needed an "S".

And Fergie visited New York this week.

Ex-Chicago pitcher Ferguson Jenkins,

who logged over 280 career victories,

finally came to the Big Apple.

This week, the giant Mitsubishi Company of Japan

bought New York City’s Rockefeller Center,

which includes the Radio City Music Hall

and the building we do our show from,

which will hence be known as "30 Wok".

In other changes, the Prometheus statue out by the ice rink

has been replaced by Buddha,

and the Rockefeller Plaza Christmas Tree was brought in today,

and, naturally, it’s a bonsai.

Ferdinand--

Ferdinand Marcos has been entombed

in an air-conditioned mausoleum,

it was revealed this week.

Asked why the late dictator would be put in an air-conditioned crypt,

a spokesman said, "This way, when he does get to hell,

it’ll seem really, really hot."

Hey, last one out of East Germany, turn out the lights.

Guess what, folks? That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

Oh, baby! Oh, yeah!

Oh, baby, that was good.

Oh, that was amazing.

It’s like you just know exactly what I need.

I’m just crazy about you.

Ooh.

( effeminate voice ) We’ve got to stop seeing each other, Susan.

But, Lyle, it’s so perfect.

We just--We’ve got such great chemistry, baby.

I’m a married man, and you’re a married woman.

Isn’t your husband getting suspicious?

No, no, no.

Tony doesn’t suspect a thing, baby, I swear.

How could he not?

Well, he thinks you’re gay.

What?! That’s insane!

* He’s Lyle *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

* It’s all terribly conjectural *

* Why he behaves that way, he’s not gay *

* He’s just Lyle *

* He swishy, yes, it’s true *

* But he’s as straight as me and probably you *

* The effeminate heterosexual *

* No sense getting intellectual *

* Because nobody knows why *

* He runs like a girl, he throws like a girl *

* Walks like a girl, talks like a girl *

* He’s Lyle, and I’ll tell you *

* So help me, he’s all guy *

Kids! Kids!

The game’s on in five minutes.

Bears vs. the Vikings. I’m not gonna wait for you!

Okay, Dad!

Ohh. Bears are gonna kick some ass. Yay!

( sighs )

Yum, yum! Yummy beer.

Let’s see what’s on after the game.

Ooh, Splash!

Darryl Hannah-- ouch, that hurts.

Love to get some of that fishtail.

Oh! Oh, my God!

What are you reading?

Nothing, dear. How was your day?

I love you, honey.

I love you, too. It was the same.

I’m a little worried about Scott, though.

I think he broke up with his girlfriend.

He seems a little upset.

Well, I was wondering why he wasn’t down for the game.

I mean, it’s only for first place.

I’ll just have to have a little man-to-man with him.

That should do it.

I’ll get you another beer, okay?

( telephone rings )

Hello? Oh, yes, Mr. McGowan.

Uh-huh? He’s right here.

Lyle, it’s Billy’s art teacher, Mr. McGowan.

He wants to talk to you.

Billy’s taking art? What the hell for?

Oh, honey.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, yes, I remember-- at the Christmas pageant, right.

So?

I’m sorry?

Well, that’s very nice that you like me.

Well, I really have no opinion of you.

I’m sure you’re a decent fellow. Why do you ask?

Coffee? Well, why would I want--

What?! Oh, that’s insane!

On what basis do you come to that conclusion?

Well, that is just the sickest--

Listen, you little queer! You so much as look at me at the next school function,

I will personally rip your lungs out! Do you hear me?

Jeez! What kind of world do we live in?

Hey, Dad.

Scott, Scott.

Sit down. Let’s have a beer.

No, Dad, I think I’m gonna go over to Richie’s.

Now, son, your mother tells me something’s bothering you.

What’s the matter, huh? Girl problems?

Yeah.

Would you like to tell me about it?

Well, you wouldn’t understand.

What do you mean? Come on, I’m not thatold.

Well, it’s not that. It’s just--

I don’t know. I mean, aren’t you gay?

What?!

I just don’t believe this!

I ought to kick your ass all across this room!

Gay?! I am your father, damn it!

Well, a lot of gay men have families, Dad.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Oh! Oh! You get upstairs!

You get upstairs! You are grounded!

You stay there until you figure out that I am not gay!

Okay, Dad, I’m sorry. I just thought--

Forget it.

Oh! My own son.

( doorbell rings )

Susan! I told you never to come here.

Lyle, I can’t stand it any longer.

I’ve got to talk to your wife.

We’ve got to resolve this once and for all.

You know you need me as much as I need you, baby.

You know you do!

No! No! No! No!

Honey, who was at the do--

Oh! Oh, hello.

Honey, this is--

( laughs nervously )

This is Susan Simkins.

She’s an old high school--

Your husband and I are very much in love.

What?!

We’ve been having an affair for over a year.

I don’t believe you. My husband would never have an affair.

That’s right, honey.

It’s impossible. He’s gay.

What?!

* He’s asked us to say he’s straight and not gay *

* He’s Lyle, the effeminate heterosexual *

Draw the Line, by Victoria Jackson.

*

* Talk about love, talk about morality *

* Are we having an affair *

* Or are you just glad to see me? *

* Well, we kiss good night *

* It’s a kiss timed by the minute *

* If a minute’s too long *

* Does the sweet little kiss have the devil in it? *

* If we whisper low *

* Things no one else can hear *

* Will my husband know? *

* Will he think my vows were insincere? *

* Where do you draw the line *

* Between love and adultery? *

* If you’re a friend of mine *

* Can I hold your hand? *

* Where do you draw the line? *

* Bum-pum-pum *

It’s supposed to make you think.

* Do you think it’s okay *

* If I tickle your ear this way? *

* Or if I lick the lint out of your navel *

* With my tongue? *

* Will the neighbors talk? *

* Will they misconstrue *

* And think that you are not just my best friend *

* But that I am in love with you? *

* Where do you draw the line? *

* Do you think it’s okay *

* If our clothes accidentally fall off *

* When you come over to be comforted *

* Because a family member died? *

* Or if we cuddled under the covers of your bed *

* Because my heater wasn’t working *

* And it was really, really, really, really *

* Really, really, really, really cold outside *

* If we’re the last two people on earth *

* And had to perpetuate the species *

* Or if a mafia hit man ordered us to sleep together one day *

* Or what if the doctor said I had this terrible disease *

* And the only way to cure it would be to take a shower with you naked? *

* Where do you draw the line? *

* Where do you draw the line? *

* Where do you draw the line? *

Thank you.

Hi, old friend.

We haven’t talked for a long time, have we?

We’ve been through a lot, you and I.

I know what you’re thinking--

what are we gonna do with our life--

tennis or Chuck?

Chrissy?

Damn it, Mother!

Why don’t you knock?

I’m a person, too, you know!

Honey, your friend Chuck from school is here.

Chuck? Here? To see me?

And he’d like to see you.

Ohh. I’d love to see him.

Ooh! Oh, Mommy!

I just love you! I love you! I’m so happy!

Ohh.

Chuck?

Well, you two have a lot of things to discuss, I’m sure.

Chrissy, I-- Oh, Chuck, I--

Listen, I-- Really, I--

( both laugh )

Gee, I’m sorry-- Oh, Chuck, I--

( both laugh )

Chrissy, I’m so sorry.

You’re sorry? I’m the one who should be sorry.

I almost lost you.

No, you didn’t.

No, you didn’t!

Oh! Oh, I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed you so.

Oh!

No! No, we can’t! It’s wrong! We can’t do this.

But I love you, Chrissy. Don’t you believe me?

No, we can’t do this. It’s wrong.

Oh, God, Lorne.

Is this fair? What do you mean?

How can you make her do this?

Oh, come on.

I’m an actress-- And a very good one.

Well, thank you, Lorne. You’re welcome.

But, you know, I guess my point is that I--

I would have hard time pulling off the emotional shifts in this scene.

And Chris-- Chris is a tennis player.

Uh-huh, yeah?

Well, this is entertainment?

Absolutely.

Oh, Lorne, come on. It’s like watching a car wreck.

Exactly.

What? I’m not gonna watch this.

Oh, come on, Jan. She’s gonna sing.

I’m just-- I’m so confused.

If there was only--

only some way you could make me understand.

Okay. Let me try.

*

* Half of me *

* Really wants to do it, Chuck *

* The other half *

* Wants to run away *

* If you run *

* I’m only gonna catch you, girl *

* And in my arms *

* You’re gonna stay *

* Should I? *

* Shouldn’t I? *

* Should I? *

* Shouldn’t I? *

Oh, this is so bad, Dana. I’m so sorry.

What, is something wrong, Chris?

Yes, something is very wrong.

There you are.

Chris, it’s going great.

You lied to me. You told me you were gonna protect me,

that I wouldn’t have to do anything that made me look bad.

Uh-huh?

I can’t do that!

Nonsense. You make it look effortless.

Really? Yeah, seamless.

Phil, Nora, am I wrong?

Uh, yeah, real good.

Mm-hmm!

Oh, you think so? Yeah.

I’m sorry, Lorne. For a minute there,

I thought you were lying to me.

It happens. Now go back there and do your best, okay?

Okay.

Oh, I can’t watch this.

Me, either.

What is the matter with everybody?

I’m just having a little fun.

Chuck, you’re gonna have to leave.

I need a little time to think.

All right. But just remember--

when you’re ready, I’ll be there.

*

* Life is a puzzle *

* Missing a piece *

* Life is a jewel box *

* Where is the key? *

* Life is a novel *

* What is the end? *

* What will I find? *

* Who’ll be my friend? *

* Tell me *

* Tell me *

* Tell me *

* Now *

( tempo increases )

* Gotta move, gotta run *

* Gotta reach out for the sun *

* Passages, passages *

* Ahhhhhh *

Chris! Chris!

G.E., guys, please!

Chris! Chris, we’ve got to talk.

But I was just about to do the big finale.

Yeah, I know. It’s about that.

Some of us on the show have decided to call off the finale.

You know, Chris, we have so much respect for you.

You know that, and we--

Well, just come to my dressing room. You want to?

Sure, okay.

But I thought it was okay. Didn’t you?

Mm-hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, the sketch is over.

And wasn’t it great?

AUDIENCE: Mm-hmm!

Uh, Chris Evert--

amazing athlete and a good sport.

What is with everybody?

*

Thank you, Eurythmics, and thank you, everybody.

Hope you had a good time.