All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S15E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-M29_4_text

SPORTSCASTER:
And there it is--

game, set and match.

And Wimbledon goes to
Martina Navratilova.

And, for Chris Evert,
a tough defeat,

but, as always, she takes it
like the elegant champion
that she is.

Remarkably composed
as always,

even after blowing
the championship.

And now here comes
the Duke and Duchess of Kent

to present the trophies and
greet the two competitors.

Let’s listen in
as they speak to Chris.

Hello, that was
really quite good,
what you did.

I especially like it
when the ball is hit
at the net.

Wonderful.
Thank you very much.

Such fun, really.
Delightful fun.
Delightful.

Well, anyway,
this is the Duke.

Hello, I’m the Duke.
It was a good match.

Oh, thank you.

You seemed to blow it
very badly.

Very badly indeed.

Yes, wonderful.
So...you should speak more.

I think you should.

Well, I can’t
emphasize enough

about the part where
you hit the net.

Thank you. I’m honored
to speak with you.

Delightful.

Sorry about
how you did it.

Thank you.

Yes. Well, good-bye.
Good-bye.

Oh, my.
The Duke and Duchess--
keep in mind--

they are the product--
like so many of our
Royal Family members--

of generations
of inbreeding.

But Chris Evert--gracious,
patiently tolerating
the inane exchange--

always classy,
always collected--

a great champion,
even today,

after humiliating herself
on Centre Court.

And there she goes.
It’s simply remarkable.

Chris Evert--
shining brightly,

shining brightly
through it all.

Now let’s go down
to Bud Collins

with the champion
and the loser.

I just forgot
about the first set.

The second set,
I played really well.

And the third set,
I was playing also.

I was up a break,
and my serve was
shaky that game.

And the crucial game
was when I lost my serve.

And from then on,
it was curtains.

It was curtains.
Right.

You’re a great champion.
Thank you very much.

Martina, I suppose
the thought that went
through everybody’s mind...

Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! I can’t--

( sobbing )
Damn it.

Why?! Why me?! Why me?!
Why me?!

Damn it! Damn it!

Damn it! Why?

( shouting indistinctly )

I can’t play anymore!

You! You! You suck!

I don’t know.

I knew that I could
break her serve
anytime.

It was easier for me
to break her serve

than for her
to break my serve,
I figured,

so I just that I had
to hold my serve.

And once I broke
her serve...

( screaming )

Damn it!

Damn it!

Uhh!

Hello! Hello?

Oh, my God!
It’s the Queen!

Oh, your Highness!
Your Majesty!

No, no, no.
I’m so sorry
about this.

No, no, please,
just tell me quickly--

where is the loo?

It’s over there.
The stalls are
over there.

It was nice meeting you.
Oh, nice--

Nice meeting you.
Oh...whew! That was close.

Ooh! Where is
the loo?!

Live from New York,
it’s Saturday Night!

*

ANNOUNCER: It’s...

With Dana Carvey...

Nora Dunn...

Phil Hartman...

Jan Hooks...

Victoria Jackson...

Jon Lovitz...

Dennis Miller...

and Kevin Nealon.

And featuring
Mike Myers...

G.E. Smith and the
Saturday Night Live Band.

Musical guest, Eurythmics.

And starring Chris Evert.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Evert!

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

It’s great to be here.

I know it may seem strange
to some of you that I’m
hosting this show,

but if you think about it,

Saturday Night Live
and tennis are not
all that different.

Both require talent
and concentration,

both are done in front
of a live audience,

and both peaked in popularity
in the late ’70s.

Oh, maybe one more thing.

In both tennis
and Saturday Night Live,

lots of people
you don’t remember

call up asking
for more tickets.

In my tennis career,
I’ve known both victory
and defeat,

but I say doing comedy
is easier,

because when a joke fails,

at least you don’t have
a bunch of people
laughing at you.

Like--Like right now,
for example.

Well, they can’t
all be aces.

Life goes on.
We’re here to have fun.

There’s some great music
with the Eurythmics.

So, stick around.
We’ll be right back.

*

Chris, you were
so great!

Oh, thank you,
Victoria.

Yeah, you looked
really good out there.

Sure, thanks.
Honestly.

Thanks, thanks.

Damn it! Oh, damn it!

Damn it! Damn it!

I blew it!

I can’t be funny!
I tried to be funny!

My one chance! Oh!

ANNOUNCER: Hold it.

Is that what you’re
having for breakfast?

Sure.
Haven’t you heard?

Fiber is really
good for you.

Well, there’s fiber...

and then there’s
high-fiber.

Try this.

Mmm. Colon Blow.

Sounds delicious.

But is it really
higher in fiber

than my Oat Bran cereal?

Take a guess.
How many bowls of
your Oat Bran cereal

would it take to equal
the fiber content

of one bowl of Colon Blow?

Two.
Guess again.

Three.
A little higher.

Four?
Keep trying.

Five.

No, you’ll have to do
better than that.

Seven?
Guess again.

Eight?

We’ll give you
one more guess.

Nine.
Not even close.

It would take
over 30,000 bowls.

Whoa!
To eat that much
oat bran...

you’d have to eat
ten bowls a day,

every day,
for 8 1/2 years.

Wow! I think
I get the picture!

Colon Blow must be
the highest-fiber cereal
on the market!

Not anymore...now that
there’s new Super Colon Blow.

Super Colon Blow?

Whoa!
It would take
over 2 1/2 million bowls

of your Oat Bran cereal

to equal the fiber
content of one bowl
of Super Colon Blow.

I’m convinced.

* Colon Blow
and you-ou-ou-ou *

* In the morning *

Colon Blow
and new Super Colon Blow.

Warning--may cause
abdominal distention.

Consult a physician.

We interrupt this program
for a special address

from the President
of the United States.

Good evening--

or should I say
Guten Morgen.

Almost dawn here in Berlin.

People behind me doing
that freedom thing--

dancing,
standing around up there,

talking to each other.

Party on,
you freedom fighters.

Some standing
on top of the wall,

some standing
on the ground,

some wanting to get up
on the wall.

Not enough room.

Guy up there
with a pickax,

doing that thing,

going up and down,
going round and round
up there,

breaking that wall
that separated a people.

Not anymore.

Many Presidents tried
to get that wall down.

Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful.

And, of course,
3 1/2 months ago,

I had an idea,
made a little speech.

And I quote
the Washington Post,

July 18, 1989, right here.

"’Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down that wall,’
said Bush."

( chuckling )

Does that make me
a great President?

Am I an Abraham Lincoln
up here?

( chuckling )

Too early to tell.
Not enough information.

Wouldn’t be prudent.

But the facts remain--

before Bush--wall.

With Bush--no wall.

Kind of makes you wonder
what else I can achieve.

Many issues lie ahead.

Reunification of Germany.

That big country
coming together like it does.

Scary. Sure, they’re
a frightening people.

Got that track record
of theirs.

Sword of Siegfried
coming at you.

But this time,
unification under democracy.

Chancellor Helmut Kohl--
good friend of mine.

Worked closely with him.

Bar and I broke bread
with the man.

Not a Hitler.

Hitler was bad. Bad!

Kohl--good!

Egon Krenz--don’t know him.

So, to sum up--
Krenz--don’t know him.

Hitler--bad!

Kohl--good!

Dan Quayle--
still gaining acceptance.

The wall--coming down.

Me--enthusiastic
but prudent.

Out in front
of the situation.

Not too far.
Playing it just right.

Before Bush--wall.

With Bush--wall obliterated.

Place in history secure.

Bye.

This has been the President
of the United States.

*

Yeah, you’re gonna
love it.

It’s 15 acres,
right on the river.

Come with a barn.
And the price is very fair.

Okay, great.
Tomorrow at 3:30, then. Bye.

Your 2:00 just called
and canceled, Chris.
Oh, really?

Forget it. People
cancel all the time.

Oh, sure, I know.

There’s some pressure
in this job,

but, hey, I bet
it’s nothing compared
to the U.S. Open.

Tell me about it. No,
this is a huge relief.

I don’t miss
that life at all.

Everybody, in case you
didn’t meet her yesterday,

we have a new agent
joining us.

Hello, Chris!
Martina?!

This is gonna be fun, eh?

Aren’t you playing
tennis anymore?

No, I quit. I got really
bored after you left.

I really miss
the competition.

Well, I just wanted
a fresh start.

How many houses
have you sold?

Well, this week,
I sold two.

Two this week?
I sold four yesterday.

Well, that’s great,
Martina,

but I’m going
at my own pace.

Well, you’d better
get cracking, Chris.

Only one employee can win
the Hawaiian vacation.

I don’t really care,
Martina.

Oh, I get it.
You’re trying
to psych me out.

No, Martina.

Well, may the best man
win, Chris.

( ring )

Galaxy Real Estate.
Martina speaking.
How may I help you?

These are really nice.

Let me see.
I’ll take a dozen.

Great. Let me put those
in a bag for you.

Okay.

Wait a minute!
How about these?

Martina?!

Yeah!
Isn’t it great?

I bought the farm
across the road.

Well, what about
real estate?

Oh, it got so boring
after you left.

There was really
no competition.

Wow! Look at the size
of this tomato!

Yes, my coach
has been watering
the topsoil

four times a day.

I like yours.
Make it two dozen.

All right.
Sorry, Chris.

You’re gonna
have to work
a lot harder

if you want
to win at the
tomato game.

It’s not a game,
Martina.

Yeah, sure it isn’t.

Four days, huh?
Oh, yeah!

*

* Circles in my mind *

* All spinning
round and round *

* Making *

* Love you *

( rock ’n’ roll riff
playing )

* Anger is no way to be *

* Everyone has
their destiny *

* So, drop your bags,
grab your chance *

* Everybody here
is gonna dance *

* So, come on *

* Yeah, yeah, yeah *

*

Oh, this is so nice.

Hello, Chris!

Oh, no!

Hey. You took
the sissy way up.

I climbed up right
through the middle.

Listen, Martina,
I think we have
to talk.

You can’t psych
me out, Chris.

Look, I don’t want
to psych you out.

I came here to get
away from that.

You’re never gonna
beat me with this
attitude, Chris.

Maybe you should
change coaches.

Is any of this getting
through to you?

I don’t have a coach.

Look, I competed
with you for 15 years.

I’m tired of it.
There’s a lot more
to life than tennis.

Don’t you
know that yet?

I just see that
you’re jealous!

Oh, the hell with it!

Ohhhhhhh!

Wasn’t that
incredible, Chris?

Come on! You try it!

Chris! Chris!

*

Once again,
I’d like to offer
my condolences.

Your mother
was a truly
remarkable woman.

Yes, she was.

There will never be
another like her.

Mother and I had
our differences,

but I’d like
to think that
in the end,

deep down,
she loved me
very much.

Yes, yes.

Well...

Miss Davis was a very
thorough woman.

About a year ago,

she sent me
a videotape of her
last will and testament,

and no one has
seen it until now.

You mean we’re
actually going
to see our mother?

Yes.

Now, this can be
very upsetting.

Will you be all right?

We’ll be fine.
Go ahead.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Bette Davis.

Hello, Michael.
Hello, B.D.

If you’re watching this,
it means I’ve kicked
the bucket,

and you are with
that oily lawyer.

He tells me I’m worth
a lot of money.

Well, I don’t care!

The only thing more trouble
than money is a man.

And the only thing
more trouble than a man

was John Barrymore.

1931!

Howard Hawkes
was throwing a party
for Edna Ferber.

I arrived late,
and everyone was
in the pool.

Well, the day before,
Jack Warner had
given me a hat.

You see, we had been
at the lounge in
the Roosevelt Hotel,

and he had lost a bet
that Preston Sturges

could hold more cashews
in his mouth than me.

Well, John Barrymore
saw this hat

and decided then and there
that he did not
like it one bit.

I had just finished
The Old Maid a week before,

and it was
a dreadful picture!

The woman who did my hair
was stealing cigarettes
from my purse...

Is there any way
we could, you know,
fast-forward?

Yes, to the part
about the estate.

All right.
I don’t see why not.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me!

I had no intention...

of making the picture
unless Harry Ritz apologized.

I mean, those were
perfectly good shoes...

Could you scan
a little further?

Just scan
a little further.

All right.

Me-me-me-me-me-me-me!

And nobody--

nobody could make
a waffle like Bert Lahr!

Now--

Me-me-me-me-me--

We might not need
to scan.

Yes, that’s
a good idea.

Why don’t you
just fast-forward?

Whew!
Remarkable woman.

Yes, very.

She’s seen so much.

Let’s check it now.

And Ronald Colman...

had sent me a dead owl!

What happened?

Must be the end
of tape one.

Tape one?!

Here we go.

Welcome to tape two!

Wallace Beery...

was in the thick of it.

And that’s when I knew--

Me-me-me-me-me-me-meme--

Wait, what’s--
what’s that?

Oh, this is a scene
from Dark Victory.

This was just edited in
to make some point.

Lord, I hate
that woman.

Me-me-me-me-me--

Oh, I think we’ve
gone too far.

Well, I fell
out of my chair.

But...

it’s just as well,

because I just remembered--

the whole point
of making this film

is to give away
my money!

This is it.
Be quiet, be quiet.

Now, let me see.

Michael...

you get everything.

Barbara...

you get nothing!

Because you wrote
a nasty tell-all book

and I want you
to have a bad life!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I get nothing?
This just can’t
be right.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I’ve seen enough.
I don’t need
to see anymore.

Barbara, there may be
some specifics--

Forget it,
forget it.

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Have you got
anything to eat?

Yeah, I have
some Milk Duds.

Great.

( laughter continues )

You want me to
scan this part?

No, this is fine.

Man, she’s good.

Yes.
Remarkable woman.

( laughter continues )

*

ANNOUNCER: And now,
Weekend Update,

with anchorperson
Dennis Miller.

Thank you. Good evening.
And what can I tell you?

A momentous occasion
this week

when East Germany announced
that the Berlin Wall
was coming down.

But, even with
the happiest of news,

there’s always a naysayer.

In this case,
it’s a group calling itself
East Germans for Handball,

who have lodged
an official complaint
against the move.

Joyful West Berliners
tore down a section of the wall

and discovered
a time capsule.

Among the contents was a shoe
belonging to Khrushchev,

a wristwatch
worn by Yuri Gagarin,

and a woman who dated
President Kennedy.

Although the wall
will come down,

Checkpoint Charlie
will remain,

but it’s already been changed
into a four-hour photo service.

And, closer to home,
hundreds of thousands
of Virginians

poured into West Virginia

as Governor-elect
Douglas Wilder

opened the border
between the two states.

Wide-eyed Virginians
visited relatives

and jammed the McDonald’s
in Wheeling.

The wall will be replaced
by a new shopping center

called the Berlin Mall.

And what are the odds
on losing the Berlin Wall

and Irving Berlin
in the same year?

East German state party leaders
met this week in Berlin

and awaited
the imminent installation

of a urinal
in the Berlin Politburo.

Chinese Senior Leader
Deng Xiaoping

resigned this week
as Chairman

of the powerful Central
Military Commission.

When asked how he plans
to spend his retirement,

Deng said he likes
to raise tomatoes

and then cut them down
in the prime of their life.

Little Jessica McClure--
the Texas toddler

who captured
the nation’s attention

when she was rescued
after 58 hours in
an abandoned well--

visited President Bush
at the White House last week.

Immediately after
this photo was taken,

she unfortunately fell down
the President’s pant leg

and is currently lodged
somewhere near his right cuff.

And now
it’s time for Anno--

Annoying Man.

( whining )

( continues whining )

I was walking
down the street

going to buy
some milk--

Cut it out!
Cut it out!

When I realized
I didn’t have
any change.

So, I had to go
to the bank--

Don’t!
Don’t!

And they’d just
been robbed.

So, then I had to
go to my mother’s.

Leave that lone!

Aaaah!

My mother wasn’t home,

so then I went to
my friend David’s--

Give me the pencil.
Give me the--

And then I went--
Then I--

Damn it!

Damn it.

Don’t do that.
Don’t. Don’t do that.

( grunting )

Don’t do that.

Leave my hair alone.
Leave my hair alone.

( muttering )

Shut up!

( British accent )
You don’t have to yell.

Annoying Man, everyone.
God, he is so annoying.

I don’t know why
I even let you--

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Republican Rudolph Giuliani

lost New York City’s
mayoral election
to David Dinkins Tuesday,

despite Giuliani’s appeal
to middle-class voters,

his record
as a Federal prosecutor,

and his brief career
as Hill Street’s
Captain Frank Furillo.

At his concession speech
this week,

an unrepentant Rudy Giuliani
dared his opponents

to throw Raisinets and Goobers
down his open throat.

You know,
it’s no coincidence

that New York Mayor-elect
David Dinkins,

Virginia Governor-elect
Doug Wilder,

and Detroit Mayor-elect
Coleman Young all
resemble each other.

They’re all played
by the same actor--

David White,
who played Larry Tate

on the old Bewitched
TV show.

( laughs )

The Coca-Cola Company
this week

said it will give $50 million
to educational charities
over the next ten years,

with an aim to make
education its philanthropic
focus for the ’90s.

Once stipulation
of the grant program

was that none
of the $50 million

will go to the study
of proper nutrition.

Pope John Paul
announced this week

that he’s wearing
a new hat.

He said, "Unfortunately,
when I wear the bigger

"fencepost,
hole-digger hat,

"people keep turning me
upside-down

and working my little
Pope legs together."

You know,
four new X-rated films

were released
on videocassette this week,

and, with his review,
is Weekend Update’s
Kevin Nealon.

Hello, Kevin.

Hey, Dennis. Thank you.

Thank you. First...

Wanda Whips Wall Street,

starring Samantha Fox
and Veronica Hart.

I liked
the production values.

I found myself getting
interested in the movie
right away.

Then more interested.

Very interested.
Veryinterested.

Then suddenly
I lost interest.

Next...

To Live and Shave
in L.A.

Trinity Loren
and Brittany Bardot.

Very attractive.
Interested right away.

Interested. Interested.
Interested.

Very interesting.
Very interesting.

Then suddenly
I lost interest.

I left the room
with the cassette running,

came back in a half hour,
got interested again.

Interested. Interested.
Interested.

Interested. Interested.

Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly
not interested.

Now, Heavy Into Jeff--

an all-male film.

I have to admit I was not
exactly looking forward
to watching this.

I’d say that, starting out,
I was skeptical.

Skeptical. Skeptical.

Somewhat interested.
Interested.

Interested.
Very interested.

Then suddenly
I lost interest.

Then ashamed. Ashamed.
Confused. Depressed.

Confused. Ashamed.
Interested. Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly
lost interest.

And finally,
Genital Hospital,

with Seka and Shauna Grant.

I started watching this,

and I really couldn’t
get into it.

So, I went back
to Heavy Into Jeff.

Interested. Interested.
Interested.

Very interested.

Then suddenly lost interest,
and then I went to sleep.

Dennis?

Thank you, Kevin.

Gimme an "S"!

AUDIENCE: "S"!

Just felt like
I needed an "S".

And Fergie visited
New York this week.

Ex-Chicago pitcher
Ferguson Jenkins,

who logged over
280 career victories,

finally came
to the Big Apple.

This week, the giant
Mitsubishi Company of Japan

bought New York City’s
Rockefeller Center,

which includes
the Radio City Music Hall

and the building
we do our show from,

which will hence be known
as "30 Wok".

In other changes,
the Prometheus statue
out by the ice rink

has been replaced
by Buddha,

and the Rockefeller Plaza
Christmas Tree was
brought in today,

and, naturally,
it’s a bonsai.

Ferdinand--

Ferdinand Marcos
has been entombed

in an air-conditioned
mausoleum,

it was revealed this week.

Asked why the late dictator
would be put in an
air-conditioned crypt,

a spokesman said, "This way,
when he does get to hell,

it’ll seem really,
really hot."

Hey, last one out
of East Germany,
turn out the lights.

Guess what, folks?
That’s the news,

and I am outta here.

Oh, baby! Oh, yeah!

Oh, baby,
that was good.

Oh, that was amazing.

It’s like you just know
exactly what I need.

I’m just crazy about you.

Ooh.

( effeminate voice )
We’ve got to stop seeing
each other, Susan.

But, Lyle,
it’s so perfect.

We just--We’ve got such
great chemistry, baby.

I’m a married man,
and you’re
a married woman.

Isn’t your husband
getting suspicious?

No, no, no.

Tony doesn’t suspect
a thing, baby, I swear.

How could he not?

Well, he thinks
you’re gay.

What?!
That’s insane!

* He’s Lyle *

* The effeminate
heterosexual *

* It’s all terribly
conjectural *

* Why he behaves that way,
he’s not gay *

* He’s just Lyle *

* He swishy,
yes, it’s true *

* But he’s as straight as me
and probably you *

* The effeminate
heterosexual *

* No sense getting
intellectual *

* Because nobody knows why *

* He runs like a girl,
he throws like a girl *

* Walks like a girl,
talks like a girl *

* He’s Lyle,
and I’ll tell you *

* So help me,
he’s all guy *

Kids! Kids!

The game’s on
in five minutes.

Bears vs. the Vikings.
I’m not gonna
wait for you!

Okay, Dad!

Ohh. Bears are gonna
kick some ass. Yay!

( sighs )

Yum, yum! Yummy beer.

Let’s see what’s on
after the game.

Ooh, Splash!

Darryl Hannah--
ouch, that hurts.

Love to get some
of that fishtail.

Oh! Oh, my God!

What are you reading?

Nothing, dear.
How was your day?

I love you, honey.

I love you, too.
It was the same.

I’m a little worried
about Scott, though.

I think he broke up
with his girlfriend.

He seems a little upset.

Well, I was wondering
why he wasn’t down
for the game.

I mean, it’s only
for first place.

I’ll just have to have
a little man-to-man
with him.

That should do it.

I’ll get you
another beer, okay?

( telephone rings )

Hello? Oh, yes,
Mr. McGowan.

Uh-huh? He’s right here.

Lyle, it’s Billy’s
art teacher, Mr. McGowan.

He wants to talk to you.

Billy’s taking art?
What the hell for?

Oh, honey.

Hello? Yes?

Oh, yes, I remember--
at the Christmas
pageant, right.

So?

I’m sorry?

Well, that’s very nice
that you like me.

Well, I really have
no opinion of you.

I’m sure you’re
a decent fellow.
Why do you ask?

Coffee? Well,
why would I want--

What?! Oh, that’s insane!

On what basis do you come
to that conclusion?

Well, that is just
the sickest--

Listen, you little queer!
You so much as look at me
at the next school function,

I will personally
rip your lungs out!
Do you hear me?

Jeez! What kind of world
do we live in?

Hey, Dad.

Scott, Scott.

Sit down.
Let’s have a beer.

No, Dad, I think
I’m gonna go over
to Richie’s.

Now, son, your mother
tells me something’s
bothering you.

What’s the matter, huh?
Girl problems?

Yeah.

Would you like to
tell me about it?

Well, you wouldn’t
understand.

What do you mean?
Come on, I’m not
thatold.

Well, it’s not that.
It’s just--

I don’t know. I mean,
aren’t you gay?

What?!

I just don’t
believe this!

I ought to kick
your ass all
across this room!

Gay?! I am your
father, damn it!

Well, a lot of gay men
have families, Dad.

It’s nothing
to be ashamed of.

Oh! Oh!
You get upstairs!

You get upstairs!
You are grounded!

You stay there
until you figure out
that I am not gay!

Okay, Dad, I’m sorry.
I just thought--

Forget it.

Oh! My own son.

( doorbell rings )

Susan! I told you
never to come here.

Lyle, I can’t
stand it any longer.

I’ve got to talk
to your wife.

We’ve got to
resolve this
once and for all.

You know you need me
as much as I
need you, baby.

You know you do!

No! No! No! No!

Honey, who was
at the do--

Oh!
Oh, hello.

Honey, this is--

( laughs nervously )

This is Susan Simkins.

She’s an old
high school--

Your husband and I
are very much in love.

What?!

We’ve been having an affair
for over a year.

I don’t believe you.
My husband would
never have an affair.

That’s right, honey.

It’s impossible.
He’s gay.

What?!

* He’s asked us to say
he’s straight and not gay *

* He’s Lyle,
the effeminate heterosexual *

Draw the Line,
by Victoria Jackson.

*

* Talk about love,
talk about morality *

* Are we having an affair *

* Or are you
just glad to see me? *

* Well, we kiss good night *

* It’s a kiss timed
by the minute *

* If a minute’s too long *

* Does the sweet little kiss
have the devil in it? *

* If we whisper low *

* Things no one else
can hear *

* Will my husband know? *

* Will he think my vows
were insincere? *

* Where do you
draw the line *

* Between love
and adultery? *

* If you’re a friend
of mine *

* Can I hold your hand? *

* Where do you
draw the line? *

* Bum-pum-pum *

It’s supposed
to make you think.

* Do you think it’s okay *

* If I tickle your ear
this way? *

* Or if I lick the lint
out of your navel *

* With my tongue? *

* Will the neighbors talk? *

* Will they misconstrue *

* And think that you are not
just my best friend *

* But that I am
in love with you? *

* Where do you
draw the line? *

* Do you think it’s okay *

* If our clothes
accidentally fall off *

* When you come over
to be comforted *

* Because a family
member died? *

* Or if we cuddled under
the covers of your bed *

* Because my heater
wasn’t working *

* And it was really, really,
really, really *

* Really, really,
really, really cold outside *

* If we’re the last
two people on earth *

* And had to perpetuate
the species *

* Or if a mafia hit man
ordered us to sleep
together one day *

* Or what if the doctor said
I had this terrible disease *

* And the only way to cure it
would be to take a shower
with you naked? *

* Where do you
draw the line? *

* Where do you draw
the line? *

* Where do you
draw the line? *

Thank you.

Hi, old friend.

We haven’t talked
for a long time, have we?

We’ve been through a lot,
you and I.

I know what
you’re thinking--

what are we gonna do
with our life--

tennis or Chuck?

Chrissy?

Damn it, Mother!

Why don’t you
knock?

I’m a person,
too, you know!

Honey, your friend Chuck
from school is here.

Chuck? Here?
To see me?

And he’d like
to see you.

Ohh. I’d love
to see him.

Ooh! Oh, Mommy!

I just love you!
I love you!
I’m so happy!

Ohh.

Chuck?

Well, you two have
a lot of things to
discuss, I’m sure.

Chrissy, I--
Oh, Chuck, I--

Listen, I--
Really, I--

( both laugh )

Gee, I’m sorry--
Oh, Chuck, I--

( both laugh )

Chrissy,
I’m so sorry.

You’re sorry?
I’m the one who
should be sorry.

I almost lost you.

No, you didn’t.

No, you didn’t!

Oh! Oh,
I’ve missed you.

I’ve missed you so.

Oh!

No! No, we can’t!
It’s wrong!
We can’t do this.

But I love you, Chrissy.
Don’t you believe me?

No, we can’t
do this.
It’s wrong.

Oh, God, Lorne.

Is this fair?
What do you mean?

How can you make her
do this?

Oh, come on.

I’m an actress--
And a very good one.

Well, thank you, Lorne.
You’re welcome.

But, you know, I guess
my point is that I--

I would have hard time
pulling off the emotional
shifts in this scene.

And Chris--
Chris is a tennis player.

Uh-huh, yeah?

Well, this is
entertainment?

Absolutely.

Oh, Lorne, come on.
It’s like watching
a car wreck.

Exactly.

What? I’m not
gonna watch this.

Oh, come on, Jan.
She’s gonna sing.

I’m just--
I’m so confused.

If there was only--

only some way you could
make me understand.

Okay. Let me try.

*

* Half of me *

* Really wants
to do it, Chuck *

* The other half *

* Wants to run away *

* If you run *

* I’m only gonna
catch you, girl *

* And in my arms *

* You’re gonna stay *

* Should I? *

* Shouldn’t I? *

* Should I? *

* Shouldn’t I? *

Oh, this is
so bad, Dana.
I’m so sorry.

What, is something
wrong, Chris?

Yes, something
is very wrong.

There you are.

Chris, it’s going great.

You lied to me.
You told me you were
gonna protect me,

that I wouldn’t have
to do anything that
made me look bad.

Uh-huh?

I can’t do that!

Nonsense. You make it
look effortless.

Really?
Yeah, seamless.

Phil, Nora, am I wrong?

Uh, yeah,
real good.

Mm-hmm!

Oh, you think so?
Yeah.

I’m sorry, Lorne.
For a minute there,

I thought you were
lying to me.

It happens. Now go back there
and do your best, okay?

Okay.

Oh, I can’t
watch this.

Me, either.

What is the matter
with everybody?

I’m just having
a little fun.

Chuck, you’re gonna
have to leave.

I need a little time
to think.

All right.
But just remember--

when you’re ready,
I’ll be there.

*

* Life is a puzzle *

* Missing a piece *

* Life is a jewel box *

* Where is the key? *

* Life is a novel *

* What is the end? *

* What will I find? *

* Who’ll be my friend? *

* Tell me *

* Tell me *

* Tell me *

* Now *

( tempo increases )

* Gotta move, gotta run *

* Gotta reach out
for the sun *

* Passages, passages *

* Ahhhhhh *

Chris! Chris!

G.E., guys, please!

Chris! Chris,
we’ve got to talk.

But I was just about
to do the big finale.

Yeah, I know.
It’s about that.

Some of us on the show
have decided to call off
the finale.

You know, Chris,
we have so much
respect for you.

You know that, and we--

Well, just come
to my dressing room.
You want to?

Sure, okay.

But I thought
it was okay.
Didn’t you?

Mm-hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the sketch is over.

And wasn’t it great?

AUDIENCE: Mm-hmm!

Uh, Chris Evert--

amazing athlete
and a good sport.

What is with everybody?

*

Thank you, Eurythmics,
and thank you, everybody.

Hope you had a good time.